To take revenge or not to take revenge? That is the question. Our psyche is structured like this: if we have not responded to the offender, day after day, again and again in our thoughts, we begin to scroll through the dialogue with him. What would we do if we could turn back time? Such fictitious dialogues and scenes can lead to complete exhaustion, confusion, depression, and sometimes completely change the course of life.
Imagine that you were offended. Unexpected, unpleasant and clearly undeserved. And the state of shock that you experienced did not allow you to take a sober look at the situation. We accumulate tons of such simple and complex “unfinished gestalts” throughout our lives. They poison not only thoughts, but also life, and prevent you from building relationships with new people. Because of this, the behavior looks, to put it mildly, inadequate. The incompleteness of one situation can manifest itself in completely unpredictable places, as in the joke about a communal apartment: “No need to apologize, I already wrote in your borscht!”
What is revenge?
Revenge is a very strong feeling that does not bring people joy.
The motivation for revenge is the fight for justice, to give the offender what he deserves, to repay the deed in the same coin. On the one hand, it seems that this is the right feeling and there is nothing bad here, but on the other, when a person begins to realize “his noble impulse,” the following transformation begins to occur in his body. It all begins with a strong attack of indignation, which is like an internal explosion caused by unexpected and unfair events. The desire for revenge is accompanied by a surge of strength and energy; a devilish fire is ignited inside a person. His pride is hurt. Someone accidentally stepped on a sore spot, not knowing that this person has many complexes and problems and is very vulnerable. He decides to take revenge. He no longer controls himself, because he is completely and completely in the power of this feeling.
Revenge can be considered as a painful condition that fevers the entire body from the brain to the tips of the fingers. It can capture a person like love and force him to do strange things that he will later bitterly regret. Mechanisms for releasing huge amounts of negativity are automatically activated in a person.
Maybe if he had stopped for a minute, cooled down, he would have realized that there was no need to take revenge, since the offender’s act was not worth such a reaction on his part. But this is very difficult to do.
What does medicine say about revenge?
The doctor warns, explaining the situation of a patient who is obsessed with revenge. With constant tension of a person contemplating scenes of revenge, his body produces a hormone - norepinephrine . Obsession, constant excitement, the inability to deviate from the topic of revenge cause the syndrome of excess norepinephrine to develop in the body.
A person experiences a surge of energy, elevated mood, but attention is unstable. There is a need for increased physical activity, he sleeps poorly. With painful tirelessness he comes up with new scenes of revenge. Insensitivity to pain appears. It is difficult for people living next to him to communicate with this person.
The hormone norepinephrine is synthesized from dopamine (the hormone of happiness), so long-term use of this reaction threatens exhaustion . Carrying out revenge leads to a deficiency of norepinephrine. A person becomes susceptible to depression, experiences body pain, lethargy, and has difficulty concentrating. Motor retardation and slowdown of information processes appear.
To avoid such symptoms, there is no need to accumulate and savor resentment. If you can’t forgive the offender, then take revenge on him in your imagination:
- Pound a pillow or punching bag, mentally holding the image of the offender in front of you.
- Write on paper everything you think about the offender, burn this paper.
- Imagine the offender in front of you, tear up the paper and express all your complaints to him out loud, collect the paper and throw it in the trash.
Such revenge is safer for the avenger himself, first of all. His losses may not be commensurate with the consequences of revenge for the offender.
Reasons for revenge
Sometimes the most insignificant reason is enough for revenge. It all depends on the character of the person whose pride is hurt. Each of us has encountered resentment, jealousy, and betrayal in life. These are already more compelling reasons to start taking revenge. It should be noted that if a person lives in harmony with himself and with the surrounding reality, then he will not be offended by all sorts of little things that happen to everyone.
Revenge often goes hand in hand with envy. As you know, people sometimes do very base things out of envy. They may have a desire to take revenge because a colleague is doing much better than they are, for example. This is how insecure people behave, subject to the influence of others.
In our society it is not customary to talk about revenge. As a rule, people decide for themselves what to do in unpleasant situations: take revenge or forgive.
HIT ON THE RIGHT CHEEK, SUPPLY YOUR LEFT
As you know, there are few saints on our mortal earth, a few people for two and a half centuries. But every person has an unconscious, and even if it seems to him that he has long forgiven the offender, the unconscious is looking for an option for revenge. And then - bam! - you’re all so good, you’ve forgiven everyone everything and don’t get offended, but out of the blue you express yourself in an offensive manner or, as if by accident, do a little nasty thing, and then you’re surprised at how justice cleverly triumphed! This is not justice, which, as you know, is always subjective; it is you who took revenge with your own (or someone else’s) hands and did not even notice it. And those who say: “I have forgiven and forgotten!” - they blatantly lie to themselves and others, because if resentment could arise, then it is hidden and cannot be covered with forgiveness, like a pile of manure with roses.
Forgiveness, or more precisely, forgiveness, arises when, looking into a person’s eyes, you understand that, in fact, you have nothing to say, not because there are no words, but because you don’t want to say anything! As in the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears,” Katerina says to Rodion: “I’ve been rehearsing our meeting with you for so many years, I imagined everything and imagined that I would tell you what it would look like, but now there’s nothing even to say!”
From a psychological point of view, this phenomenon is explained by the fact that our conflict, as a rule, occurs not with the person himself, but with his projection, that is, with our idea of him. And when we see living eyes, we open our mouths to say something - then all the insidious plans either disappear, or we are released because we simply got the opportunity to speak out.
In films, the main characters always speak out before taking revenge and let the other person speak out. And they do what they planned after communication only because, according to the law of the genre, a peaceful separation of the parties would look somehow strange.
There are, of course, very principled people for whom doing what is planned, even if it is not relevant, is also a guarantee of internal integrity, but this is rare. These people, as a rule, are very unhappy in life, because they forget its main law - it is not a person who exists for the principle, but the principle for him, so it can always be changed.
Get over yourself
If someone offended you and this caused a desire for revenge, then you should not be ashamed of this feeling. Your natural self-defense mechanism has activated. But if such a desire arises for no apparent reason, this is already a big red flag! In this case, you will have to endure a struggle with yourself so as not to mess things up.
In order not to become an angry and vindictive person, you need to learn to forgive and calculate the consequences of retaliatory revenge. Revenge is a source of great emotional distress for both parties and does not make anyone happy.
Often when conflict arises, revenge may seem like the only solution to the problem. But once you think about what can be changed through revenge, what will be the benefit for you, other than the fact that you will get some satisfaction? It may turn out that after your vengeful attack the situation will get even worse. Maybe it would be easier to resolve the conflict peacefully? Or just ignore your offender?
“I want to take revenge on my husband for cheating on me” or is it possible to return evil for evil? Analysis of two psychologists
Recently, our editorial office received a letter from a woman experiencing a serious mental shock. Her beloved husband cheated on her. To say that after this she began to suffer is to say nothing. Actually, she asked us a question: “Is it possible to take revenge on your spouse? Is it correct?"
With her permission, I decided to discuss this issue in a journal with my colleague, psychologist Natalya Kaptsova.
Let's start with the story of our heroine:
“We lived in what I thought was a happy marriage for 10 years. We have two kids. But in the last year, for some reason, my husband pulled away and stopped talking to me. We became strangers. Because of this, he often began to disappear at work, and sometimes even stayed there overnight so as not to return to me. Well, it just seemed to me that he was at work...
In fact, he had a mistress. When I found out who she was, the ground seemed to fall away from under my feet. It turns out that my husband cheated on me with my best friend for a year. This came as a blow to me. I suffer so much that with all my heart I wish for both of them to die.
Please tell me, can I take revenge on them? The first thing that comes to mind is to tell her husband about her infidelities. But my friends and family are dissuading me from this idea. So what should I do? Thank you very much for your answer".
Without a doubt, this is a very difficult situation for everyone. And for the author of the letter, and for her husband, and even for her friend. Each of the characters in this story suffers in their own way. But today that is not what I would like to discuss. Our heroine clearly imagines a solution to the problem of her mental torment - revenge. So, from the standpoint of psychology, how correct is it to take revenge on your offender?
(By the way, we can include here any type of social attack, for example, someone in your household leaking negativity to you or insults in public places from strangers).
So is it necessary to rebuff the offender or is it better to suppress negative emotions? There are 2 main positions regarding this issue:
- “I forbid myself to fight back.” For some reason, a person may refuse to attack back. What are the reasons? Fear of your opponent, reluctance to get involved in a conflict, understanding of the inferiority of your offender, etc. Often people who refuse to stand up for themselves have a victim mentality. Their energy of self-defense is transformed into weakness and defenselessness. As a result of a social attack, such people’s cheeks turn red, sweating increases, their pulse quickens, etc. The offender sees and understands that he has hooked his victim, and takes advantage of this. Will he offend him again? Definitely yes, because he did not encounter resistance, which means he did not learn any lesson.
- “I can fight back.” Taking revenge on your offender is normal and natural. Revenge kills not those situations that have happened, but those that can still happen in the future. Taking revenge on a person who hurt you means proving to him and yourself that no one can do this to you with impunity. As a result of this inner attitude, the next people you deal with will not allow you to be treated in this way.
So which path should you choose? Here is the answer given by psychologist Natalya Kaptsova:
“Negative emotions must be expressed! If you are attacked, you need to defend yourself. We can manage aggression only after we have allowed ourselves to show it (within reasonable limits, of course).
When a person stands up for himself, he realizes that he is able to fight back and next time he will be able to control himself better. If we always remain silent in response to offense, then the people who cause it to us will begin to take advantage of it. Therefore, yes, expressing negative emotions, even through revenge, is normal!
Otherwise, suppressed aggression can lead to such unpleasant consequences for the individual as alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholism, depression, neurosis, etc.”
Natalya Kaptsova
Ask a Question
I think my colleague got to the heart of the matter! However, I will allow myself to complement it. Yes, negative emotions, without a doubt, need to be experienced. But this should be done CORRECTLY, and not always with the help of an “answer”.
Every person has had to go through a difficult period in life. Betrayal by a loved one is a serious psychological trauma that should not be underestimated. Answering our heroine’s question regarding the advisability of revenge, I want to ask a response question: “What will you do then?”
Sometimes we act impulsively without thinking about the consequences. This is due to incorrectly experienced emotions. But, it doesn’t hurt to imagine a situation in the future when you complete the revenge plan. Try to imagine in as much detail as possible what, when and how you will do. And most importantly, feel YOUR PSYCHOEMOTIONAL STATE after all this. Usually, visualizing revenge perfectly helps to heal the soul of those who, as they say, are in a state of passion. Even if it doesn't bring the desired relief, think about the consequences of your actions.
The sages say that everything in this world has consequences. Are you ready to take moral responsibility for the state of another person's life? Think about it.
What do I recommend to people who have experienced social aggression or psychological attack? The main thing is that you should not evaluate yourself by the actions and words of other people. We must remember that there are many unhappy people in society who vitally need the energy of “tolerate.” They will provoke others into conflicts, pour out their negativity on them and allow themselves any kind of unworthy behavior.
I believe that offenders need to be rebuffed, but wisely! I hope you find these tips helpful:
- Learn to manage your angerif it is difficult for you to restrain the flow of aggression when you are attacked (try to “disconnect” from what is happening, switch your attention to something pleasant, ignore the aggressor).
- Don't let your abuser drag you into their game . Do not agree to his conditions, express dissatisfaction, do not remain silent! However, do not stoop to his level, acting on the principle “The best defense is an attack.”
- You should not provoke the offender . Your task is to protect yourself, not attack him! Answer his accusations, but don't blame him back.
Acting this way in a conflict situation will make you look decent.
In conclusion, I would like to address people who, like our heroine, are experiencing a serious psychological shock. Don't hold back negative emotions! Talk to people about your pain. Tell them how you feel without leaving out any details. Surely there are those who love you and are ready to support you. Well, if not, write down your feelings on paper. Cry, don't hold back your tears. The pain must “come out” of you, so help yourself with this! When you successfully deal with the release of pain, thoughts of revenge will fade into the background.
Some useful tips
If you nevertheless decide to take revenge on the offender, then first think about how you will do it and how your counterpart will react to revenge.
Advice one. Be realistic, evaluate what kind of offense was caused to you. Don't try to do something worse than what your opponent did.
The second tip is very important. If you don't want to spend the rest of your days in a prison cell, show respect to the Russian criminal code!
Tip three. Don't choose your loved ones as victims. They don't deserve it.
Tip four. If you have been offended, you do not need to start taking revenge right away. Your “evil genius” is ready for defense. Wait a few days for him to calm down and then take action. Maybe during this timeout you will find a more effective way of revenge.
My wife cheated on me
This happens quite often nowadays. Although previously, cheating was the “prerogative” of men exclusively. Sexual freedom, broken stereotypes and discarded cliches have led to the fact that female infidelity has become as “normal” as male infidelity.
So, an unpleasant thing happens in the family: the husband finds out that his wife is cheating on him or has cheated on him once. It is known that men perceive the fact of such betrayal more acutely, since their pride and male ego are affected. Events develop after this differently for everyone. One packs his things and leaves the house or exposes the traitor from it. Another threatens to file for divorce, a third may forgive (this is also not uncommon). There is another category of deceived husbands - those who decide to take revenge. That is, treason for treason. In their opinion, this is fair and puts both sides of the conflict on an equal footing - no one feels disadvantaged or humiliated.
Who they cheat on their wife with is no longer so important. The main thing is that the wife knows about the act of revenge, to make her suffer and suffer, as it was with him, her husband. Often such husbands choose friends, sisters, or mutual acquaintances with their spouse in order to hurt her even more.
What should you think about?
If vengeance is accomplished, then the soul becomes lighter, since the whole burden has fallen from it in one moment. After this, the person becomes softer and kinder. Later he will want to forgive the offender. If a revenged person has gray matter, then he will understand why he received the “brains” and will draw the appropriate conclusions.
Before we start taking revenge (or not taking revenge), let's stop for a moment and ask ourselves: “Should I take revenge on him? For what? To make him feel bad? To make him feel pain? To show him by example of revenge how he hurt my pride?
Are you sure you need to start this “game”? Think about what your attempt to “establish the status quo” will look like from the outside. Will you feel a sense of bitter regret if something terrible happens after your revenge?
And also, remember the most important thing: only strong people can be lenient and forgive their opponent, or ignore him as a person. They never allow themselves to stoop to the level of their offenders and do not use dubious methods of revenge.
Tags: self-education, psychology of communication, resentment, psychological problems, feelings, revenge, revenge
What are the pros and cons of revenge
If evil is committed intentionally, then vengeance must be taken for the following reasons:
- For the avenger to restore justice and find peace of mind.
- So that evil does not go unpunished and does not give rise to permissiveness.
- As a defense against aggression through retaliatory measures.
- As protection of one’s own dignity and personal health.
- Like an invasion of privacy.
The need for revenge is for the offender to see the strength of the offended person and to beware of subsequent negative actions against him. But not in all cases it is necessary and useful to take revenge. Arguments in favor of such a decision:
- The higher the quality of revenge, the more resources it requires to use. It may be more expedient for the avenger to use them to improve his life and health.
- What's the point of taking revenge when, after taking revenge, your soul will not feel better ? The harm caused by the avenger to himself will be proportionate to the harm received from him by the aggressor.
- Having realized the loss of the meaning of revenge, you need to use all material and moral resources to advance through life. Success in life in one's chosen field makes a person strong and happy. Such revenge will be especially intolerable for enemies and offenders.
Revenge is not dissuaded. There is no call for revenge. The decision is made by the avenger himself. But is it right to make your life worse in order to try to take revenge? If the motivation for revenge is grievances from the past, then you need to look into the future and determine the consequences of revenge. If you see a benefit for yourself, take revenge. If you don’t see the point, there’s no need to force yourself to take revenge.
Love forgives everything
It is impossible to take revenge for betrayal of a loved one simply because he is a loved one. The words “betrayal” and “revenge” are things that are incompatible with the feeling of love. It is impossible to hurt someone who is dear and loved. They say that when you love, you can forgive everything. And this is true, because the very awareness of the loss of a dear person is much worse than his betrayal, deceit and treachery.
If you can’t forgive, then it would be better to separate. And without hysterics and scandals, but with his head held high. And there is definitely no need to “run” to someone else’s bed in order to receive compensation for the injury received: this will not bring back your loved one, but you can lose your self-respect forever. Is it worth it? Still, everyone decides for themselves.
Should you cheat on your husband or not?
This is also not worth doing, regardless of with whom and why your spouse cheated. An offended woman is capable of a lot due to her emotionality, but this will not be a solution to the problem.
The wife takes revenge for the betrayal by deciding to do the same. For her, this is a justification for the act, because in its significance and content it will be equivalent to what her husband did. What does a woman decide to do? She can offer sex to one of her friends, colleagues, or even a complete stranger, whom she specially meets at a bar the day before. Yes, she will receive her compensation and, perhaps, will feel proud that she avenged the betrayal. But such an act will never bring moral and spiritual satisfaction.
Focus on yourself
Often women want to either change or return a man, and do not think that what is happening in their lives is a reflection of their internal states. It doesn’t matter what is happening with your relationship now, whether it is at the stage of crisis or complete collapse, you need to start with yourself. A man is only part of your life. And a woman’s happiness should not depend on her ex or current partner. The most important relationship is the relationship with yourself.
If you are unhappy, have a huge number of claims against yourself, then you will not be able to make another person happy.
Find an eco-friendly way to release your emotions: through sports, a new hobby, or go on a trip. If you want to cry, cry, if you need to talk it out, turn to your friends or your mother for support.
Look at the situation from the other side: each person brings lessons into our lives that help us develop. Think about why this person came into your life. There are no chance meetings: what problems, complexes did the ex-man indicate to you by his presence or departure?
You have the right to decide how the relationship changes you - you hate and want revenge or you draw conclusions and move towards the light.
Try to resolve any conflict peacefully. If you know how to negotiate, then you know how to manage your own life. Guided by feelings, we do not express ourselves as individuals, but are led by our emotional state. It can be stopped and transformed.
A crisis or breakup in a relationship is a time of change, the moment when you need to change so that this does not happen again.
If you were insulted, humiliated, offended in a relationship, you do not need to respond in kind. After all, in fact, every woman, despite previous experience, wants to love and be loved. But because of her trauma, she may believe that men are the enemy. But all this can be changed.
Why do we want to take revenge?
People who have experienced the shock of betrayal do not know how to behave in such a situation. It’s just that no one ever prepares for this in advance - everyone hopes that this bitter cup will pass them by.
When betrayal strikes and simply ruins a life, very few people imagine what needs to be done. After all, you have to somehow move on with your life, go to work, eat and sleep, and finally, just exist. They turn on a defense mechanism against the processes that began to occur in their reality, which changed dramatically with the advent of betrayal.
Therefore, many deceived people decide that the best way out of this situation for them would be “retaliatory” betrayal. This is not even decided by them, not by their consciousness and mind, which are simply “turned off” during a period of a special emotional state. At the moment, completely different mechanisms of the human psyche are at work.
We can say that at this moment they do not know what they are doing. A person humiliated by betrayal imagines in his head the most disgusting scenes of betrayal of his soulmate with someone else. In order to isolate himself and protect himself from this nightmare, the psyche helpfully offers him the only “correct” way out - to take revenge for betraying his husband or wife.
How to get rid of the desire for revenge
First of all, you need to try to calm down in order to analyze the situation. When emotions run high, it is impossible to think clearly and adequately. And you are controlled by emotions, not reason. And at such a moment you can make fatal mistakes.
The easiest thing is to jump out of relationships and jump into others, so as not to feel the pain, not to realize what the illusion was. But the same thing awaits you in a new relationship if you don’t work on yourself.
To learn how to interact correctly with men and build long-term harmonious relationships, I invite you to our free 6-day online course: “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation."
You can forgive betrayal
Many people ask whether it is possible and necessary to forgive deception and treachery? Definitely yes, if there is the will and desire for it. You should never destroy a relationship if there is at least some small chance of saving it. It’s not for nothing that they say that breaking is easy, but building a new one is much more difficult.
The only thing you can do is understand and forgive, no matter how hard it is. Perhaps not even right away, but later, when the acute pain passes or dulls a little. Psychologists advise that there is no need to forgive quickly, even after such words: “Sorry for the betrayal.” The unfaithful (or unfaithful) must suffer in order to realize the value of forgiveness. Otherwise, when he gets it easily, it will depreciate and it is not surprising that he will cheat again and again. Since they forgave so easily and quickly the first time, maybe it will be okay the second time?
Of course, there are families who have experienced such situations in life. Forgiveness and, most importantly, a ban on raising and remembering this topic in the future helped them save their relationship. People agree to forget about everything and move on with their lives. And they live so happily for more than one year. True, as research shows, no one can completely forget this story. It takes quite a lot of mental and emotional strength to see every day the person who betrayed you and at the same time try to rebuild your relationship.
