Poor relationships with mothers among adult daughters are not uncommon. The desire to stay away from your mother and communicate as little as possible usually causes condemnation from others: you must, she is your mother. “No, it shouldn’t,” says the author of the book “The Unloved Daughter.” If you were not loved as a child, you carry so many destructive patterns of behavior into adulthood that you must first deal with your psychological state.
Special relationship
Some idealize their mother, while others admit that they hate her and cannot find a common language with her.
Why is this such a special relationship, why does it hurt us so much and cause such different reactions? A mother is not just an important character in a child's life. According to psychoanalysis, almost the entire human psyche is formed in the early relationship with the mother. They are not comparable to any others.
For a child, the mother, according to psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is actually the environment in which his formation takes place. And when relationships do not develop in a way that would be beneficial for a given child, his development is distorted.
In practice, the relationship with the mother determines everything in a person’s life. This places great responsibility on the woman, because the mother never becomes for her adult child a person with whom he can build an equal, trusting relationship. The mother remains an incomparable figure in his life with nothing and no one.
What does a healthy mother-adult daughter relationship look like?
This is a relationship in which adult women can communicate and negotiate with each other, live separate lives - each with their own. They can be angry with each other and disagree on something, dissatisfied, but at the same time aggression does not destroy love and respect and no one takes away their children and grandchildren.
But the relationship between a daughter and her mother is the most complex of the four possible combinations (father-son, father-daughter, mother-son and mother-daughter). The fact is that a mother is the primary object of affection for a daughter. But then, at the age of 3–5 years, she needs to transfer her libidinal feelings to her father, and she begins to fantasize: “When I grow up, I will marry my dad.”
This is the same Oedipus complex that Freud discovered, and it is strange that no one did this before him, because the attraction of a child to a parent of the opposite sex has been noticeable at all times.
And it is very difficult for a girl to go through this mandatory stage of development. After all, when you start to love dad, mom becomes a rival, and you both somehow need to share dad’s love. It is very difficult for a girl to compete with her mother, who is still loved and important to her. And the mother, in turn, is often jealous of her husband’s daughter.
But this is only one line. There is also a second one. For a little girl, the mother is the object of affection, but then she needs to identify with the mother in order to grow and become a woman.
There is some contradiction here: the girl has to simultaneously love her mother, fight with her for her father’s attention, and identify with her. And here a new difficulty arises. The point is that mother and daughter are very similar and it is very easy for them to identify with each other. It’s easy for a girl to mix her own and her mother’s, and it’s easy for a mother to see her continuation in her daughter.
Many women really have a hard time distinguishing between themselves and their daughters. It's like psychosis. If you ask them directly, they will object and say that they distinguish everything perfectly and do everything for the benefit of their daughters. But at some deep level this boundary is blurred.
Reasons for resentment towards parents
Resentment is a negative feeling that arises in response to an undeserved insult, humiliation, violation of personal boundaries, hurting the Ego. We get offended when it seems to us that someone is treating us unfairly or badly. Resentment is a complex of emotions. However, its main component is suppressed aggression. We are angry at the one who attacks, but if for some reason we cannot express this anger, then it transforms into resentment.
In the case of childhood grievances, the following reasons can be named (situations of transformation of anger into resentment):
- child abuse (beatings, punishment);
- failure to fulfill parental responsibilities;
- emotional, psychological or physical abuse;
- living in poverty or poverty (even if the parents behave well and love the child);
- criticism and inflated demands, expectations;
- negative comparisons with other children;
- emotional coldness and detachment of parents;
- love for one child and hatred for another;
- shifting parental responsibilities onto the child (childhood was taken away);
- addictions and antisocial lifestyle of parents;
- overprotection and manipulation like “Don’t you feel sorry for me?”, “Your antics make me feel bad.”
And it happens that a person hardly remembers his mother or father, but he is offended by the fact that he was abandoned. And we are talking not only about those cases when children are abandoned or taken away from the family. Sometimes resentment arises in response to the death of a loved one.
Important! You can name hundreds of options for the development of childhood grievances and their types, but they are all connected with one thing: an unsatisfied need for love. A child becomes offended when he does not feel loved, valuable, significant, and also when he does not have a sense of stability and security. A person may be 20, 30 or 50 years old, but until this problem is solved, psychologically he remains an offended child.
Is taking care of your daughter also taking care of yourself?
Through her daughter, the mother wants to realize what she has not realized in life. Or something that she herself loves very much. She sincerely believes that her daughter should love what she loves, that she will enjoy doing what she does. Moreover, the mother simply does not distinguish between her and her needs, desires, and feelings.
Do you know jokes like “put on a hat, I’m cold”? She really feels for her daughter. I remember an interview with artist Yuri Kuklachev, who was asked: “How did you raise your children?” He says: “And this is the same as with cats.
A cat cannot be taught any tricks. I can only notice what she is inclined to do, what she likes. One is jumping, the other is playing with a ball. And I am developing this inclination. Same with children. I just watched what they were like, what came naturally to them. And then I developed them in this direction.”
This is the reasonable approach when a child is looked at as a separate being with his own personal characteristics.
And how many mothers do we know who seem to show care: they take their children to clubs, exhibitions, classical music concerts, because, according to their deep feeling, this is exactly what the child needs. And then they blackmail them with phrases like: “I’ve put my whole life on you,” which evoke a colossal sense of guilt in adult children. Again, this looks like psychosis.
In essence, psychosis is the inability to distinguish between what is happening inside you and what is outside. The mother is outside the daughter. And the daughter is outside of her. But when a mother believes that her daughter likes the same things as she does, she begins to lose this boundary between the inner and outer world. And the same thing happens to my daughter.
They are the same gender, they really are very similar. This is where the theme of shared madness arises, a kind of mutual psychosis that only extends to their relationship. If you do not observe them together, you may not notice any violations at all. Their communication with other people will be quite normal. Although some distortions are possible. For example, this daughter has relationships with women of the maternal type - with female bosses and female teachers.
Requests for help
Write your story I never finished my education. There is no official experience. I am now completely out of resources, but I need to either start this kind of work, or continue to sit with the child, but also alone, which is also not an option for me, since I can no longer cope. There is so little strength that it has even become difficult to get out of bed, and here is the daily cycle - taking care of the child, cleaning, cooking. No exit. Mia, age: 22 / 02/08/2022
Responses: 0 Read in full I am in my first year at the University and am studying to become a psychologist. And I want to leave only for reasons of logic, not feelings. I know that I am not able to repay my parents for what they do for me. They dump a lot of money on me alone, strive to please all my desires and make my life better than theirs. But there is a part that I can’t get rid of or redo. And they won’t accept this part for anything in the world. I am a lesbian. I rather blame myself for my sexuality. I even tried to “fix” her. To no avail. This is not the same.
Milo, age: 18 / 02/07/2022
Responses: 10 (+10) Read in full For the last 10 years, thoughts of suicide have not left me, then they go away and then come again. The reason is loneliness and the character from which everyone turns away, I just constantly whine like now. I don’t know how to deal with my problems on my own, and I take everything to heart. And I haven’t had a serious relationship with women yet, but it’s already 31 years and what’s next? I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t see the point in continuing. These parents have one thing going for them, they won’t survive this.
Dan, age: 31 / 02/06/2022
Replies: 4 (+4) Read in full I don’t know what to do, I broke up with the guy from whom I was pregnant and gave birth to a baby, he helps, but it’s very hard for me to see him, I don’t know how to let him go and not suffer.
Regina, age: 25 / 02/05/2022
Responses: 3 (+3) Read in full The thought cannot leave me - to leave this life. Every time I fall asleep, I pray to God that I don’t wake up, that I stay in my dreams forever, because there is no pain or illness there. But I understand that if I commit suicide, I will know all my suffering and all my mental trauma, going back from childhood to the present day, billions of times stronger! How can I live to see my natural death without committing suicide?
Helen, age: 31 / 02/03/2022
Responses: 12 (+1) Read in full I want to commit suicide, I don’t have the strength to live on. I live in Germany, it’s hard for me. I don’t know the language, they don’t hire me, I can’t find anything except a cleaning lady. I can’t get used to being dependent on my husband. I want to die.
Lost, age: 31 / 02/01/2022
Responses: 10 (+2) Read in full I really tried to be a good guy and a good person, but something went wrong. I'm so tired of being good. I really want to give up on studying, make a mess in my room, and give up studying at music school. I tried to help people and even received feedback. But I'm so tired and I want to die.
Rey, age: 13/02/01/2022
Responses: 6 Read more I am 30 years old. I am in complete despair, I want only one thing, to commit suicide. I haven’t felt anything for a long time except suffocating pain. There is complete collapse in all areas of life. For a long time I tried desperately to grab onto something that would give me strength, but I found nothing, everything that held me was already behind me. Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts...
Kaktotak, age: 30 / 01/31/2022
Responses: 8 Read in full 2 years ago I found out about my husband’s infidelity and attempted suicide. The result is that I am disabled, group 3. Every day I am haunted by thoughts of a new attempt to die.
Anya, age: 30 / 01/31/2022
Responses: 9 (+2) Read in full Now I am 19 years old, and I am in my fourth year of college. To be more precise, I’m finishing my studies because I’m on the verge of expulsion. It seems like I should have gotten used to it, because I’ve been living from ultimatum to ultimatum since my second year. I am ashamed that I allowed this to happen and cannot cope with it.
Mund, age: 01/30/2022
Responses: 9 (+1) Read in full I have no friends, my parents don’t understand me. I don’t see the meaning in life, I don’t see a way out and a chance to save myself from this dead end. It seems like I will never be happy. It all started when I moved to another city.
Svetlana, age: 13 / 01/29/2022
Replies: 12 Read in full I really want to die. I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of being a loser and a nonentity. I'm tired of being a disappointment to my parents and sitting (at the moment) on my mother's neck, I'm terribly ashamed of this. I just wanted to be happy with the person I love very much. But I don't want anything more. I don’t see the point in anything, I feel very bad.
Unhappy man, age: 20 / 01/28/2022
Replies: 16 Read in full Probably soon I will finally decide to leave this world... All my life I have considered myself an outcast and a bore to everyone... Who needs a pimply bastard in glasses??? I tried to live alone, but I can’t... Now I also have prostatitis at the age of 26... What’s the point of living if you’re sleeping, you have type 1 diabetes, which you can’t live with for a long time, and if you do live with it, it’s with constant monitoring of everything. Blood sugar, carbohydrates, etc….
Kirill, age: 26 / 01/28/2022
Responses: 9 Read in full I have completely lost myself, I can’t find a job, I don’t know what to strive for.. I absolutely don’t know what to do next, because of this I just want to disappear and feel nothing. Thoughts about suicide appear...
Yana, age: 27 / 01/26/2022
Responses: 12 Read in full I spent my whole life in a private house. My dad, mom, brother, beloved dog (his name is Frodo) and grandmother lived with me. She passed away. To be honest, I no longer see the point of living if all my loved ones die and I will continue to suffer and mourn for them.
Fedor, age: 12 / 01/26/2022
Responses: 11 Read in full From the very beginning, life didn’t work out, everything went so badly that it’s hard to believe... At home it’s always like at war, an alcohol den every day with showdowns and fights. Hell is outside and inside me. I can’t remember good periods in my life, I was always on the verge of something terrible, there was only one black streak. Tried to commit suicide.
Max, age: 24 / 25.01.2022
Responses: 5 Read in full Now I have nowhere to go, they won’t take me anywhere. And there is no money, my family cannot give me higher education, and I myself cannot even get a job on the minimum wage. There are only job vacancies, but I can’t handle physical labor (I’m already thinking that it would be better if I died, because anyway, my birth was useless - I’m worth nothing...
Alibek, age: 20 / 01/25/2022
Responses: 8 Read in full I am very afraid for my future, but I do nothing for it. The desire has disappeared. I have no friends, no talents, I'm stupid. It’s such a shame that I’m only 14, but I’m so obsessed with everything. THROUGHOUT!! I also want to say that I’m too shy, that when I go to school, I feel like I’m going to throw up and my hands are shaking. I'm afraid to see someone, so I come when the lesson starts. I want to say about my mother, I love her, but at the same time I hate it when she comes up to hug me, I feel disgusted.
Nonentity, age: 14 / 01/24/2022
Responses: 4 Read in full I am the mother of a drug addict with 27 years of experience. All this time I have been living like hell: pawnshops, loans, police, clinics, rehab centers (I was in bed 20 times). And at the end of last year there was a new problem - my grandson became a gambling addict. I can’t live like this anymore - I want to die. The pain is too great. I can't stand two.
Alexandra, age: 67 / 01/24/2022
Responses: 10 (+1) Read in full The world, even on a sunny day, seems gray without shades. There's nothing to grab onto. Bottom line: I’m 48, I’m nobody, I don’t respect myself, I don’t know where to go and what to do. I want to die, but not suicidal, but cunningly, for example, from Covid, heart attack or stroke, preferably before spring. I don't see any way out. I feel like a burden, but I can’t expose my wife and children so openly - they won’t be able to get over it. I have done a lot in my life that is why they call me a bastard, but suicide is the extreme degree of bastardism.
. Dima, age: 48 / 01/24/2022
Responses: 7 Read more 1
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What is the reason for this psychosis?
Here it is necessary to recall the father figure. One of his functions in the family is to come between mother and daughter at some point. This is how a triangle appears, in which there is a relationship between a daughter and her mother, and a daughter with her father, and a mother with her father.
But very often the mother tries to arrange it so that her daughter’s communication with her father goes through her. The triangle is destroyed.
I have met families where this model is reproduced over several generations: there are only mothers and daughters, and fathers are removed, or they are divorced, or they never existed, or they are alcoholics and have no weight in the family. In this case, who will destroy their closeness and fusion? Who will help them separate and look somewhere other than at each other and “mirror” their madness?
By the way, did you know that in almost all cases of Alzheimer’s or some other types of senile dementia, mothers call their daughters “moms”? In fact, in such a symbiotic relationship there is no distinction as to who is related to whom. Everything merges.
How to work through a grudge against parents
How to work through and let go of resentment towards parents? To work through childhood grievances, it is better to consult a psychologist. This is a very complex and painful process that your subconscious will resist. However, there are some things you can do on your own to heal and let go of parental trauma:
- Realize that your inner child is offended. Adults and self-sufficient people are not offended.
- Take back your position as an adult. Your inner child needs treatment, care, love. Your inner adult can give him this. To regain your position as an adult, write down on paper all those qualities and areas of life that reflect him. Refer to these qualities as often as possible. For example, the determination and determination of an adult will help you quit your unloved job and find the activity you dreamed of as a child. The restraint and rationality of an adult will allow you to comfort your inner child. With their help, you will stop blaming and scolding yourself for every little thing, you will begin to understand everything in detail, etc.
- Compensate for what was missing in childhood. Make your list of grievances and unmet needs and desires and begin compensation. Become your own caring parent. Try to express your thoughts as specifically as possible. For example, instead of the abstract “There wasn’t enough love,” write what you mean by this, what manifestations of love you need.
- Let your parents go. You can be offended by them, angry, not accepting, but you must stop expecting compensation from them. Consciously or unconsciously (usually the latter), they have already made their choice. The time has come for you to make a choice: leave your resentment here and now.
If you understand that for your happiness and health you need to stop communicating with your parents, then do it. You are not obliged to plunge again and again into the hell that you have already experienced, to fight again and again with insults, humiliation, and violation of personal boundaries. You don't owe your parents anything. Your birth is their choice. Taking care of you (“raised, fed, put on shoes, dressed”) is their direct responsibility.
