At least 10% of the entire adult population of the planet today suffers from depression. This mental disorder is the most common in the world. During their lifetime, one out of five people will experience this painful feeling of hopelessness, apathy and fatigue from life, which we call depression. Depression is often confused with low mood. “I can’t go to the concert with you, I’m depressed. Let’s go to the cinema tomorrow!” - a person who is truly depressed will never utter such a phrase. True depression can be recognized by the following signs:
- The person is constantly in a depressed mood
- He does not experience positive emotions from things that previously gave him pleasure.
- He gets tired quickly, feels deprived of strength for no objective reason (if you can’t get out of bed after running a marathon, this is not depression)
- A person is acutely fixated on the negative aspects of life, not noticing the positive ones, talks a lot about suicide and death
If you notice that your loved one has been experiencing all of these symptoms for two weeks or longer, they may be depressed. But understanding alone is not enough to help him get out of this state. At the biological level, depression is manifested by a violation of the concentration levels of norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine, which is why depressed people experience constant fatigue, their pain threshold decreases, their appetite disappears, they have difficulty falling asleep, and suffer from insomnia. A depressed person feels alone in the universe, worthless and useless. But worse than this is the feeling that he will never get out of this dark and gloomy hole. What to do if your loved one is depressed, how to communicate with him?
Rule one: do not analyze his behavior and do not give life advice
The last thing your loved one needs is for you to explore the reasons behind their depression and suggest ways to solve the “problem.” He needs support and understanding. Therefore, recognize his right to grieve, be sad, and experience all other negative feelings. And there is no need to prove that the world is beautiful and there is absolutely no reason to be sad. A person who is experiencing symptoms of depression would be happy to return to normal, but in his condition it is difficult to believe that life will ever sparkle with all its colors again. And the more often you repeat that there is no reason to be upset, that there are people who are worse off now, the deeper the sufferer will plunge into the abyss of his already unhappy thoughts. “But it’s true, some people don’t have money, children ask for food - but there’s nothing to give them, and I’m sitting in my apartment with a refrigerator full of food and can’t move - I’m a loser.” Instead of saying: “There is no reason to be sad,” it is better to say: “Everything will be fine!” Depressed people feel that no other human being can understand what they are feeling. They feel lonely and believe that no one cares about them. Therefore, it will be very helpful if you make it clear that you are nearby. Say these simple words: “I’m here if you need anything,” and a person will know that someone in this world still cares about him.
Diseases are common causes of depression
In fact, any health problems spoil your mood. But news of a serious or incurable illness can undermine self-confidence and deprive one of hope for the future.
In some cases, taking certain medications can lead to the development of depression. Relatives and friends should prepare in advance for complications.
Signs of a depressive disorder are diagnosed in approximately 30% of chronic patients.
Mental illness can increase pain, cause increased fatigue, and general lethargy.
The list of diseases that are most often complicated by depression:
- cancer (risk of developing depressive disorder about 65%);
- Parkinson's disease: 40%;
- multiple sclerosis: 35%;
- stroke: 27%;
- heart attack: 25%.
It is very important that there is always a professional next to the patient, ready to provide moral support. After all, depression often occurs in people left alone with their problems. If it is not possible to be with you around the clock, it is worth hiring a nurse or companion who will provide psychological support.
Rule two: focus on the positive
A person who is overcome by depression tends not to notice his successes, focusing on failures. It seems to him that everything he did in this life was wrong, at the wrong time, and it would be better if he did nothing at all. In moments of depression, people lose trust in the world around them and faith in themselves. But the vicious circle is that without confidence that you have the strength to overcome depression, it is very difficult to cope with it. Therefore, since a person cannot fight for himself, you must help him. Remember that he once did something right and good. Remind me of the story of how he won a corporate darts tournament, or how he defended his secretary from the attacks of an unfair boss. Tell us how proud you were of him when you found out that he was the first in his family to graduate from college. There are victories - even small ones - in the history of each of us. Your task is to discover them and show them to your friend. If you absolutely cannot remember a single story that would inspire confidence in your strength, you can simply say: “I know that you are great.” These words will give a person hope that someday he will be able to meet your expectations, become what you see him, and maybe even better. Don't expect your depression to go away as soon as you say these words. You may need to repeat them over several days. The main thing is that you yourself must believe in what you say.
How to Love Someone with Anxiety Disorder
You met a nice girl with whom you finally felt warm and cozy. Sensitive, attentive, for the first time in her life she put your apartment in order and, it seems, is ready to care for and cherish it, like her own mother. However, the comparison with your mother is not the most encouraging, because pretty soon she begins to control you in the same way. You can no longer hang out at the bar after work, because she won’t let you go, scared to death that someone will beat you up and rob you. However, she herself doesn’t go to parties either, because she can’t stand loud music and large companies. And at some point, an attempt to correct the mess she caused at home causes real hysterics.
This may not just be a “severe character”, but an anxiety disorder - a widespread and diverse mental disorder: from generalized anxiety disorder to panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder and various types of phobias.
Each anxious person has their own main fears: some are shaken by the company of new people, others by worry for loved ones. Constant worry exhausts and leaves little energy for useful activities, so you shouldn’t expect high energy and efficiency from them.
Some people will find fearfulness and impressionability very cute, but don’t flatter yourself too much: anxiety has another side - aggression aimed at self-defense. This side is especially pronounced in anxious men: they, as a rule, are also economical and caring, but the level of control (for your own good!) can reach despotism.
A common way to cope with anxiety is through numerous rules and rituals, which reach the point of absurdity in obsessive-compulsive disorder. This is not a whim, but a relatively effective way to cope with the situation: the performed ritual calms you down and gives you a feeling of control over what is happening. This is definitely not worth laughing at. After all, when you say a prayer to calm yourself before an important event, or sleep with a textbook under your pillow before an exam, you are doing the same thing.
What not to do if your partner has an anxiety disorder
To be left alone with problems.
Being left alone with fears is the main nightmare of the anxious. Dr. Spock's "the best way to stop a tantrum is to not react to it" doesn't work here. You, of course, will save yourself from an unpleasant sight, but the relationship is unlikely to last long after this. And if you stay nearby, embodying understanding and calm with your whole appearance, they will definitely appreciate it. Holding your hand firmly and leading you away from an unpleasant place may be enough to stop a panic attack. It is important to listen to the entire stream of consciousness and say something reassuring.
“Feed” anxiety.
If you yourself are quite anxious, you will have a very difficult time. It is important for the anxious person to believe that there is a person nearby who controls the situation better than him. And if you easily become infected with panic and begin to voice new terrible versions of what is happening, then he will lose the last ground under his feet.
Save from all adversity.
Sparing your beloved or loved one from all hardships (from nervous work to a couple of hours in an apartment alone) is also not a solution at all. Anxiety has a dangerous feature: fueled by fears, it grows, capturing new spaces. This is called “generalization”: first a person is afraid of white mice, then of the laboratories in which they live, and in the end he cannot cross the threshold of the university. Thus, the anxious person risks driving himself into a corner and finding himself in complete isolation.
What to do if your partner has an anxiety disorder
Don't escalate.
Since you are together, find out what exactly scares your partner and never abuse it.
Keep me posted.
Regularly communicate when you arrive home, what important things you are doing and why you are in a bad mood. This way you will save your and her or his nerves. After all, when an anxious person does not know what is happening, his brain draws the worst version possible. By the time you return from an unplanned meeting with a friend, a team of volunteer rescuers may already be looking for you.
Create a safe environment.
The sensitive psyche of an anxious person cannot tolerate overload. She can be “closed” even from an excess of positive impressions, for example, at a stormy holiday. Therefore, it is extremely important that the home is a quiet and cozy place where you can relax.
Support in the fight against fears.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy suggests fighting fears using the “wedge by wedge” method: accustoming yourself to frightening situations. But this needs to be done gradually and in truly safe conditions, no “throw you off the boat and let him learn to swim” (they will never forgive you for this). The support of a partner creates this feeling of security, and in general it’s great to expand the boundaries of an interesting world together: for example, climb onto a beautiful roof arm in arm with your loved one and overcome your fear of heights.
pros
Anxious people are considerate, empathetic, and responsible. They try to foresee everything and prepare for everything simply because they cannot do otherwise. They will find a way to save money for a rainy day, will always notice when something happens to you, and will take a warm jacket for you on a trip. If you value care and are not afraid of some degree of overprotection, then you will be comfortable together.
Minuses
The reasons for fear and anxiety may have nothing to do with reality, and then guardianship turns into hysteria or domestic terror. Anxious people can be rigid and controlling in their attempts to protect themselves from anything threatening. They torment loved ones with interrogations and prohibitions. It’s not for nothing that at psychology lectures they like to cite the example of Chekhov’s “Man in a Case” - a rather difficult character.
Pathological jealous people are also often anxious people.
And if you even accidentally put your loved one in a situation that is unbearable for her, for example, you get stuck in an elevator on the 20th floor because she is afraid of heights, you may be physically harmed by heels and nails.
Rule three: don’t just talk, but also do (or just be there)
Typically, depressed people find it extremely difficult to force themselves to do anything. Therefore, any help from you will be welcome. Maybe you can bring groceries from the store, pick up the children from kindergarten and sit with them for an hour, help clean the apartment. One important addition: Only offer help when you are sure you have the time and energy to fulfill the request. Often in a state of depression, people experience irrational fears and cannot do things that a six-year-old child can cope with. At the same time, they are fully aware of the stupidity of their behavior - and this only makes it worse, because when an adult is unable to get out of bed and change clothes for the tenth day in a row or hides under the blanket because something rustles behind the curtain, he feels ashamed and awkward because he believes that others will certainly judge and laugh at him (remember that depression is like a magnifying glass, it magnifies all negative feelings).
How to help mom and dad get out of depression?
A daughter or son who wants to help their elderly parents overcome depression should spend as much time as possible with them. It is necessary to show that dad and mom remain important people in life, that their advice and recommendations are important. You can help your mother get out of depression with the help of a psychotherapist.
Much depends on what caused the depression. If it developed under the influence of the death of a spouse, you should temporarily settle the parent with yourself or move in with him. In cases in which the disorder becomes a consequence of age-related changes, in addition to participation in life, care and support, a visit to a psychiatrist should be monitored. The doctor will prescribe a suitable medication, the use of which will speed up recovery from the painful condition.
Rule four: do not react to aggression and negativity
Depressed people can sometimes be angry and aggressive, and if you are nearby, it is likely that the full flow of their indignation will fall on you. Imagine that you are surrounded by an invisible shield against which all offensive words are broken. Remember that it is not the person who says this, but his illness. Depressed people are less likely to discuss their thoughts and feelings. They are sure that no one will understand them, so they reject everyone who tries to help. The best thing you can do is just be there - and talk to the person about neutral topics. If a person mired in depression expresses doubt that a bright future will ever come, you must be ready to reassure him that the sun will definitely come out over the horizon, because it cannot be otherwise. Remember that in a state of depression, people are not able to evaluate themselves and their lives objectively, so no matter what you really think, you don’t need to dump the whole pessimistic forecast on your friend. It's like dipping a person with a sore throat into ice water.
Rule six: don't forget about yourself
If an old friend of yours is depressed, it will probably be enough to call him sometimes and ask how you can help. But if your loved one gets sick - a husband, a parent, a child - then you will need a lot of moral and emotional strength to help him get out. Depression doesn't go away in a day. It may take weeks or months for symptoms to begin to subside, during which time your loved one will feel like a shadow of their former self. He will not cope with banal household duties, because it is difficult to even get out of bed, he will be aggressive and pessimistic, his whole world will be painted black - and do not think that he will hide this from you. He won't have the strength to do it. Therefore, even cute cats from social networks will make him think about imminent death and torment. And all this time you should be that ray of light that looks through the dense forest of his thoughts. So that the ray does not go out and you do not lose your temper, you need to draw positivity from somewhere. Find your source of energy - and be sure to take time to recharge. If you like to dance, go to discos; if you enjoy drawing, start going to the studio. Connect with other people and do things that bring you joy. This is usually very difficult for loved ones of people suffering from depression. Because as soon as they leave the threshold of the house, a feeling of guilt begins to torment them. “Here I go to have fun, and my husband sits and looks at the wall... What a terrible woman I am!” Therefore, it is very important for you to instill in yourself the idea that it is not just you who need to enjoy life - it is vitally important for your depressed loved one. If there is no electricity in the house, your laptop will not charge. If you don't have the energy, your loved one won't be able to get the amount of attention and care they need.
Photo - Lori's photo bank
It is impossible to force someone to get professional help.
No matter how much one would like to force a patient with depression to see a psychologist, doing something against the person’s will is prohibited. Until the patient himself decides to undergo treatment, no specialist will be able to help.
Awareness of the problem and a sincere desire to get rid of the manifestations of depression is the first step towards recovery.
A depressed person truly believes that his situation is hopeless and treatment is pointless. The main task of relatives is to show that the problem can be solved. Some people resort to tricks and invite a psychologist home in the form of a “distant acquaintance.”
You may also be offered a general screening at the hospital. Among the specialists who conduct the examination may be a psychotherapist. During the general examination, possible causes of depression associated with taking certain groups of medications will also be excluded.
Sometimes people who hear an official diagnosis of “depressive disorder” agree to treatment more quickly. After all, the doctor’s opinion is more significant than the guesses of relatives and friends.
You can also accompany a loved one to their first appointment with a psychotherapist. Feeling supported is extremely important. Although some people, on the contrary, prefer to communicate with specialists secretly from others.
