Six levels of attachment. How to strengthen the child-parent bond

Attachment is a special type of behavior and a close emotional connection between parent and child. This connection will help build harmonious emotional child-parent relationships, which will later form the basis of a psychologically healthy personality, capable of independently coping with all the difficulties of growing up.

Although attachment is an instinctive behavior, it must be developed through six basic levels. In accordance with the levels and age characteristics, we have compiled methods that will help strengthen attachment and build favorable emotional contact with children of any age.

Infancy (from birth to 1 year)

Having come into this world, the baby learns to perceive it through the senses, so strengthening the first level of attachment will come down to building emotional contact through vision, hearing, taste, smell and touch.

It is important for a child to be in contact with an adult who cares about him; he must see, hear, and smell him. Therefore, to become a guide in discovering the world, you can use methods such as:

• breastfeeding or artificial feeding, holding on hands and knees;
• skin-to-skin contact with mom and dad;
• carried in arms or in a sling;
• practice co-sleeping;
• hug and kiss the baby;
• massage while singing nursery rhymes;
• smile at each other;
• stroke your face with your baby's hands;
• repeat babbling after the baby, using different intonations;
• play peek-a-boo and staring contest, master toys;
• dance and sing together;
• look at pictures, read books;
• walk together and explore the world around you;
• paint with finger paints and leave your mark on this world.

Afterword

Attachment is a system of relationships between a child and an adult. In it, the baby learns the basics of social interaction, learns cooperation, respect, understanding the feelings of other people, love, and friendship. Attachment characteristics are passed on from generation to generation.

Lack of affection, as well as excess, are dangerous. In the first case, the child is afraid to explore the world, is unsure of himself, and feels unwanted. In the second case, due to excessive guardianship or maternal fear of being abandoned, the child grows up to be dependent. I'm sure you know the situations of unhappy 40-year-old men who are unable to part with their mother. For some reason, daughters are less likely to find themselves in such dependence.

Early age (from 1 year to 3 years)

The child has already entered this world, so he tries to be like adults. He understands perfectly well that you can be close not only by being near your “mother’s skirt,” but also by being like her, so he tries to reproduce the behavior and preferences of his parents. If you want to strengthen attachment at this age, delegate some of your powers to your baby.

• take it with you to the store, choose products and invite your child to fill the cart himself, take it to the cash register and even pay with a bank card;
• allow you to carry a small bag from the store, or maybe even your own backpack, and then take out the groceries and put them in the refrigerator;
• give the opportunity to choose your own clothes, offer to create a Family look from similar items and/or accessories;
• play role-playing games, reenacting mom and dad's work day;
• wash the dishes, prepare simple dishes and various delicacies together - let it be hard work, but how much joy it will bring to the baby;
• give the opportunity to fill and start the wash in the washing machine (not forgetting that chemicals are prohibited at his age);
• plant a vegetable garden on the windowsill, water the flowers and grow a tangerine from the seed;
• build houses, huts and turn into a family of animals, playing out family relationships;
• assemble furniture, teach how to use a tape measure, and let dad show you a master class on screwing bolts with a screwdriver;
• tidy up together - this will help you and teach your baby cleanliness;
• come up with secret signs and whisper in your ear;
• pass kisses and hugs through your child;
• use one hand cream, drawing cute icons on your hands;
• do something scary together, and also have fun and fool around together.

Reliable.

securely attached infants

Such children are confident that their mother can satisfy their needs , and they reach out to her for help when faced with something unpleasant. At the same time, they feel protected enough to explore the environment , realizing that adults will certainly come to the rescue in case of danger.

Experiment

Soon after entering the playroom with their mother, these babies began to use it as a starting point for their explorations. But when the mother left the room, their cognitive play waned and sometimes they showed noticeable concern. When the mother returned, they greeted her actively and remained close to her for some time. As soon as their confidence returned, they readily resumed their exploration of their surroundings.

In the future, such a child will value love and trust, but at the same time remain quite independent and self-confident.

In cross-sectional studies throughout the United States, this pattern was found to occur in 65–70% of one-year-olds (Goldberg, 1955; van Ijzendoorn & Sagi, 1999).

Three basic skills for secure attachment:

1. The ability to listen to yourself and identify needs and deficits. 2. Flexible boundaries. “I give myself the opportunity to be impressed,” I can look around. 3. The ability to ask for and receive support from the environment (if the family has well-built relationships with society).

Up

Junior preschool age (from 3 to 4 years)

This period begins with a crisis - this is the age of jealousy, the desire to possess what belongs to you and who you love. The child begins to identify “MY mother”, projecting a biological connection with his adult and begins to look for confirmation of this.

• allow yourself to be angry and release negativity, remembering that it is normal to feel different emotions;
• allocate individual time for each child (if there are several in your family) - go to a shopping center, a cafe, a manicure, a movie... choose entertainment that will be interesting to both of you;
• if possible, take your child to your work and show your workplace decorated with a photo of your family;
• play sports together (swimming pool, running, football or just morning exercises);
• teach him to ride a bicycle, roller skates, or scooter;
• arrange a family performance and play out the “mother-baby” relationship;
• lie on the couch and just relax with him;
• play, draw, sculpt, read and sometimes follow his rules;
• Together decorate the house for the holiday, wrap gifts and make cards with your own hands;
• swing on the swings, slide down the slide and build the biggest sand castle on the playground;
• develop your own farewell ritual, for example, “a kiss in the pocket”, leave cute notes and small gifts in your child’s pocket.

The influence of attachment

The first months of a child's life are full of fears and anxieties. Mom is a source of security and peace. Trust in the mother later extends to trust in the whole world. This is the significance of childhood attachment. It influences a person’s attitude towards the world in the future. If a child does not feel safe and does not trust his mother, then in the future he will be suspicious of all people.

Visual, tactile, emotional, and verbal contact with the mother is important for the child. Otherwise, the need for intimacy and security remains unsatisfied.

As the child grows up, an equally strong need for independence, activity, and research arises. Emotional attachment then performs a supportive function. This means outside support for the mother and acceptance of the child. As a result, he demonstrates independence without emotional stress.

The attachment does not have to be between the child and the mother. It arises between the child and the adult who regularly satisfies his need for intimacy and security. With age, attachments strengthen or break.

It is normal when there are several attachments or when a child’s attachment weakens. Children grow up, meet love, start families. Of course, if they were taught this, if adequate attachment was formed.

Middle preschool age (4 to 5 years old)

The middle of preschool childhood is marked by the desire for one’s own importance and significance in the life of a loved one. The child feels that he values ​​his parents, is afraid of losing them, the first conscious fears appear and the child tries to do everything not to upset, to please and to be good. To establish and maintain attachment during this difficult period, you have to “ground yourself” and, in part, return to earlier stages:

• play out fears of separation through search games (hide and seek);
• dress the child if he asks for it;
• feed him with a spoon when he asks and will allow him to feed you if he wants it;
• laugh with them, especially at his jokes;
• invent fairy tales about fears and teach them how to experience them productively;
• approve of your child's friends;
• talk - a lot, a LOT and about everything in the world.

Concept and essence of the term

The English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby studied child attachment.

Child attachment is a motivational system that arises between a child and a significant adult immediately after birth. The main function is the survival of the baby.

The source of attachment is the hormone oxytocin. In women, it is released during pregnancy. After childbirth, its concentration in the blood of the child and mother is maximum. This ensures mutual tenderness and affection. This is called maternal instinct.

With a lack of oxytocin, the mother does not experience affection or tenderness for the child. Hormonal imbalance occurs against the background of organic and acquired brain damage, under the influence of stress, psychological trauma, and inadequate attachment in childhood by the mother herself.

Senior preschool age (from 5 to 7 years)

By the end of preschool age, children begin to love - giving themselves, not imitating their whole heart, but actually experiencing indescribable feelings for their parents.

• print photos, make family photo albums and look at them together;
• draw cards to relatives, send them by mail and check the mailbox waiting for a response;
• tell your child about how little he was and how you waited for him to appear;
• call your dad via video chat at work and write SMS during the working day together;
• hug with the whole family.

Consequences of attachment

A secure attachment is formed with the sensitivity of a significant adult, attention, empathy, and consistency of actions. The mother’s anxiety, her fears and unprocessed traumas, the child’s rejection, and postpartum depression have a negative impact.

Insecure attachment entails a “me myself” attitude. Such a person does not know how to trust others, it is difficult for him to build relationships, and there are no significant others for him. Another consequence is inconsistency of character.

In addition, insecure, disturbed attachment causes:

• Risky behavior of a person in later life. As a child, he did not feel attention or any restrictions from his mother for the sake of safety.
• Social promiscuity, excessive trust, fearlessness. Arises against the background of the absence of one significant adult.
• Timidity in expressing feelings. The premise is corporal punishment, physical violence, abuse. If a child simultaneously saw his mother as a source of security and a source of danger, then in the future he will be very restrained in expressing feelings towards other significant people.
• Aggression as a manifestation of affection. If the parents communicated aggressively with each other and with the child, and denied the child intimacy, then he will decide that this is the language of manifestation of love and affection. Such children grow up to be family tyrants, rude people who cannot tolerate failure.
• Pathological cravings for food and games. It is formed in a situation when a significant adult satisfies the child’s need not with intimacy, but with food and play. In the future, a person himself will satisfy the need for intimacy with the help of food, workaholism, drug addiction, and dependent relationships.

Junior school age (from 7 to 10 years)

This age is equated to the last level of affection - “when they know you.” The child wants to be known by his parents and begins to share secrets from his life. He wants you to know him from the inside, so be sensitive and complement all of the above with strengthening methods such as:

• entrust the preparation of one complete meal for the whole family;
• do not forget to hug at every opportunity;
• share his hobbies and be interested in his personal life;
• read aloud, watch movies with your family.

Can several types intersect in one person at once?

Natalya Litvinova

certified emotionally focused therapist and supervisor, systemic family therapist, member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists

There is only one type of attachment in a person. But a person can show different strategies in relationships with different partners.

Let's imagine a situation in which a person with an avoidant attachment type was in a relationship with an anxious partner. Then for some reason this couple broke up. And a partner with an avoidant type entered into a relationship with a new person who has an even more avoidant type (because there are different degrees of anxiety and avoidance). And in these relationships he becomes more anxious. Therefore, he begins to display a strategy of a different type, previously unusual for him. For example, he expresses little criticism or makes timid claims. But despite this, his type will not change, and anxious manifestations will still be milder than those of a person with an anxious attachment type.

Teenagers, bright youth – what next?

The six main levels of attachment have been completed, but I hasten to please you - it’s never too late to start strengthening attachment, so even at the age of 16 we can move from level to level, filling your “invisible connection” with new emotional responses.

• practice active listening;
• write messages for no reason and often wish “Good morning, have a great day!”;
• be on the child’s side during an external threat;
• consult with him and make family decisions taking into account his opinion;
• do not forget about tactile contact and the importance of hugs, show unexpected care, even if this does not always cause delight;
• be interested in his life, tastes, ask questions and ask him to justify his position;
• learn to form your own opinion and constructively defend your point of view;
• sign up for cooking classes and learn something new together (pottery, painting, e-sports, etc.).

Why attachment theory has been criticized

Attachment theory is popular now. Psychologist Sue Johnson bases her approach to emotion-focused psychotherapy on this theory.

However, there are critics of attachment theory. At the end of the twentieth century, they wrote about the negative impact of the theory on the idea of ​​​​a “good mother”. Feminist researchers believed that such an approach, firstly, largely leaves all responsibility for the psychological development of the child on the mother. Secondly, it negatively affects the self-esteem of women whose children were born prematurely and spent the first months of their lives in hospitals, or women who were forced to go to work early.

In the mid-60s, there was even a study that showed that the main attachment figure can not only be multiple, but also not coincide with the main person caring for the child. Thus, children who spent all their time with their mothers could become more attached to their fathers, sisters, brothers, grandfathers or grandmothers.

The theory is also criticized for the idea that the type of attachment is acquired once and for a lifetime. In this case, it turns out that early experience is more important than everything else that happens to a person in the next years of life.

One of the most common criticisms of attachment theory is that in non-Western societies the idea of ​​a close bond between a child and a single caregiver is essentially absent. For example, in Papua New Guinea or Uganda, child-rearing responsibilities are evenly distributed among a wide group of people.