Parent, adult, child: how to achieve internal balance

Berne's transactional analysis helps people understand the causes of problems that manifest themselves during communication. The American psychologist identified three ego states that determine the psychology of behavior, human health and overall quality of life. Eric Berne analyzed communication and divided it into transactions, hence the name of the analysis. In psychotherapy, ego states are studied - systems of feelings and ideas that manifest themselves through different patterns of behavior. When communicating, a person takes a specific position, and it depends on this how he will react to what is happening, as well as how his interlocutors will perceive him.

Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis is a psychological model that is used to analyze personal interaction in groups and individual behavior.

Transactional analysis is based on the principles of psychoanalysis, but unlike the latter, it describes human behavior and reactions in simple, accessible language.

A transaction, from the point of view of psychology, is a unit of interpersonal interaction, consisting of a message (stimulus) and a reaction to it.

That is, human communication is nothing more than an exchange of transactions. For example, greeting and response, question and response.

The following types of transactions are distinguished:

Complementary. The outgoing stimulus from one person is complemented by the reaction of another. For example: “What time is it?” - Two hours. Both people communicate in the same state.
Cross. The message intersects with the reaction. Most scandals are based on this. So the husband asks the question: “Where is my shirt?”, and in response he hears: “Why should I know this?” That is, the husband speaks from the position of an adult, and the wife answers from the position of a child.
Hidden. This is the case when words do not match emotions. An individual says one thing, but his emotions and facial expressions say something else. Psychological games are based on this.

Transactional analysis is designed to answer the question of why the same person in different situations demonstrates different behavior and reacts differently to stimuli.

This is due to the use of one of the three ego states.

With the help of this analysis, you can learn to understand the behavior of other people, make decisions, demonstrate your emotions and feelings. Transaction principles are applied in the following areas:

when interacting in teams;
to build a family model;
during friendly communication;
in raising children.

In short, transaction techniques are used in all areas of interpersonal interaction.

Examples of role mismatch

In life, role discrepancies are not uncommon, which is why conflicts arise. Here's what it might look like in different areas.

Family

The husband, from the position of an adult, asks: “Darling, do you know where my tie is?” The wife, from the position of a parent, replies: “Where you left him. How small! "

In sales

The buyer, from the perspective of an adult, asks: “How much does this dress cost?” The seller answers irritably from the position of a parent: “You don’t have eyes, can’t you see it yourself?”

At work

A young specialist turns to a colleague or manager for help from the position of an adult: “Could you tell me which algorithm and program is best to use to solve this problem?” And in response he hears an irritated parent: “It’s high time to understand and know this yourself.”

In all three cases, an unprepared person who does not know role theory will also begin to play the role of a parent. As a result, endless reproaches and complaints will pour in from both sides. But if you learn to conduct transactional analysis and identify the positions of communication partners, then you can prevent conflicts in time.

Adult

A radically different approach to decision making, based on such often contradictory conditions, becomes the cause of confusion in life. For example, when there is a bias towards the child’s condition, we are prone to irresponsibility, to spending money simply “because we wanted to”, to letting situations take their course. When skewed towards the state of the parent, we lose the taste for life, blindly doing what we “should”.

To reconcile these two extremes and bring life into a constructive direction, a third element is needed - the “adult” ego state.

One could take a simplified point of view and say that an adult is one in whom the inner child and inner parent live and interact harmoniously. But, perhaps, this is still an independent part. Moreover, this is the part that ideally should prevail over the other two and be of decisive importance.

An adult, being an intermediary between a child and a parent, regulates their activities. In his actions, he is not based either on momentary desires, like a child, or on stereotypes, like an adult.

He tries to think objectively, rationally, guided by existing experience and knowledge. He processes information, sets priorities and draws conclusions about what to do in a given situation.

As an impartial judge, he listens to both the parent’s and the child’s opinions, but makes his own decision.

It also has disadvantages. Ethical values and beliefs are not important to him - this is the diocese of the parent. He is not able to enjoy life and openly show emotions - these are the privileges of a child. So a person with only one adult ego state will be more like a soulless robot.

But there is no such thing as a 100% adult, parent, or child. In fact, we always have all three states - in one ratio or another. After all, even a small child begins to adopt the traits of a parent, and sometimes even thinks in a non-childish way, like an adult. And vice versa: even in the most serious adult there lives a child.

How to come to an agreement with the child within you?

How to negotiate with your inner child? Exactly the same as with the present. Of course, a lot more patience will be required, and a developed imagination will also help.

First you need to understand what kind of child you will have to communicate with inside. The ego state can carry a child within itself:

injured;
happy;
forgotten.

Understanding your condition is necessary in order to become heard by your own subconscious. For example, you can spend hours telling the “wounded” three-year-old child inside that his existence is remembered. Such conversations will not lead to any results, of course. We need to talk about what is important not for the consciousness of an adult, but for a child locked inside his subconscious.

How to do it? There is no single answer. You can conduct a mental dialogue or talk to yourself out loud. For those whose imagination is not particularly developed, psychologists recommend finding a photograph of yourself at an age corresponding to the ego state and turning to it. Initially, conversations will be crumpled, and the person will begin to feel uncomfortable. This period will pass quickly enough, and over time the monologue of the adult consciousness will develop into a dialogue. There is no need to specifically come up with answers from the child inside; they will arise in your head on their own, when the right time comes.

Adult

Adult – “expedient”, “useful”. Outwardly, a person with his whole appearance makes it clear that he is focused on the object and the topic of the conversation: he leans forward with interest, looks directly at the object, his eyes are slightly widened or narrowed

Attention and interest are written on the face. The following expressions predominate:

I probably didn't express myself correctly, since you didn't understand me.
Let's discuss this.
Please repeat again.
How do you like this proposal?

In general, he is an adult: he solves problem situations productively, and thinks sensibly. It’s a pleasure to deal with him, of course, as an adult.

An adult is the most objective position. It does not depend on the script laid down in childhood. This is something that a person has learned himself. An adult acts according to the “here and now” principle. Rationally solves the current problem. You can develop this role endlessly, throughout your life.

Complete blocking of an adult leads to the inability to respond to changes in the world. Human thinking is responsible for this role; it is a personal feature of collecting and analyzing information. A developed adult decides which stereotypes of the child and parent to turn off in the current situation and which to turn on.

What is it?

Subpersonality or its aspect is what the inner child is from the point of view of psychology. How to work with it? It depends on the exact state in which this part of the ego is.

For a person who does not experience any problems in interacting with the outside world, who does not feel internal mental discomfort, ego states are under the control of consciousness. Of course, in this case there is no talk of any correction, since it is completely unnecessary.

But if the inner child begins to dominate, how to work with it? How to achieve control over this subpersonality? First you need to find out what exactly is happening in the inner world. To do this, psychologists use the method of transactional analysis. Let's talk about it in more detail.

Parent, Adult, Child in a close, intimate relationship

Now let's return to the topic of building close relationships.

Our inner Parent contains all the requirements for ourselves and for the opposite sex - these are the so-called lists of what our sexual partner should be like.

However, the Natural Child is responsible for sexual attractiveness or unattractiveness.

And the more strongly our inner Parent is manifested, the more often we choose a partner not from the Natural, but from the Adaptive Child, and the more often we enter into relationships, including sexual relationships with a “suitable” partner (from the Parent’s point of view), but sexually unattractive or not sexually attractive enough (from the Natural Child's point of view).

What to do?

There are two ways:

1) Work with your lists of beliefs coming from the Parent and analyze them from your inner Adult, throwing out the “unnecessary”.

Quite often, when we start working with a client on the problem of finding a partner, we start by compiling these lists, and often they contain such “unexpected” requirements as knowledge of languages or a love for the same type of cookies as the client.

When working with these lists from the inner Adult, it happens that the requirements for a partner are reduced to one point (which was not even on the original list), that the partner must be a man/woman - and that is enough.

2) If you have already found a partner who meets the requirements of your Parent, you can awaken in your Natural Child a sexual desire for this person, and for this you need to build a relationship of psychological intimacy with this person - this is the ability to openly express your feelings and desires with this person and for him to express his feelings and desires with you.

In order for you to be able to openly express your feelings with your partner without fear of judgment or evaluation, you will need to exercise two other qualities of autonomy in your relationship: mindfulness and spontaneity.

Awareness is the ability to see, hear, feel, sense everything that surrounds a person at the moment. A self-aware person is in close contact with any bodily sensations and external stimuli.

Spontaneity is the ability to choose from a wide variety and range of feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Just as a conscious person experiences the world, a spontaneous person reacts directly and openly.

And if you implement Awareness, Spontaneity and Intimacy with your partner, this will automatically have a positive effect on your sexual desire for him.

However, as my practice shows, the second path is much more difficult than the first, and if you are not ready for such work on your relationship and do not want the consequences I described above, then it is better to separate and start working on your list of requirements for sexual partners (to Parent list from point 1).

Child-parent relationships in the family

Healthy parent-child relationships in the family contain two components. Love is the first ingredient. The attitude towards the baby in the family should be based, first of all, on love for him, and not on control and educational methods of influence. The child needs to feel that mom and dad feel love for him simply because he exists, and not for his behavior, actions or good grades. The love of parents is the guarantee that the baby will grow up with a normal level of self-esteem, a sense of self-esteem and trust in the world around him. Children who are simply loved accept themselves exactly as they really are, which is of great importance in their entire subsequent life. After all, if you enter adulthood considering your personality “unworthy” or “bad,” your chances of a decent and successful life are reduced to zero.

The second component of the parent-child relationship is freedom of choice. Providing it to a child is often much more difficult than love. It is quite difficult, and sometimes very scary, for parents to allow their child to make his own choice. Since they are always confident that they know better what to do, but the child wants to do it his own way only out of pure stubbornness. However, freedom of choice should be distinguished from lack of control and permissiveness.

Even if the baby feels love, excessive control on the part of dad and mom leads to the risk of developing various forms of addiction. Reckless parental love, enhanced by total control, is an explosive mixture. This “cocktail” suffocates and prevents you from breathing. Women with increased anxiety and over-concern are prone to such overprotection. They control every step of the child, every new hobby. As a result, the baby can grow up either fragile and vulnerable, unable to withstand any difficulties in life, or simply try to avoid such love by any means. The nature of family relationships, based on total control, as most psychologists claim, causes children to often escape from reality into “chemical dependence,” mainly drug addiction.

Control, coupled with parental dislike, can destroy a child’s personality, which can ultimately lead to suicide.

Excessive freedom given to a child, combined with dislike, provides an opportunity for the formation of a child's personality, but at the same time leads to a great risk of physical injury. Such relationships are most often observed in dysfunctional families, such as families of alcoholics or drug addicts. In such family unions, children receive almost absolute freedom of choice, since, in principle, no one needs them. In such relationships, children have a high probability of dying, but at the same time, children have the opportunity to grow into independent, purposeful individuals.

For the purpose of educational measures in family relationships, parents can turn to various methods of influence, such as encouraging or punishing the child, the desire to demonstrate behavior patterns by their own example. Praise from parents will be more effective if the child has a warm, friendly relationship with them, and, conversely, if the relationship between the participants in the seminal process is cold and indifferent, then praise will provide practically no incentive for the baby. Thanks to the use of encouraging parenting methods, the development of a child as an individual can either be accelerated and made more successful, or slowed down. You should not abuse punishment in the process of education. It should be used only if it is practically impossible to change the child’s behavior in any other way. If there is a need for punishment to increase the educational response, the punishment should follow immediately after the offense. Very harsh punishments should not be abused, as they can cause fear and anger in the child. Children who are often shouted at and constantly punished become emotionally indifferent and display increased aggressiveness.

The psychology of family relationships comes down to the fact that everything that happens to a child is entirely the merit of his parents. Therefore, parents must learn that after the birth of a child, they have the opportunity to either help the child in the processes of socialization, personality development, learning, etc., or, conversely, hinder it. Refusal to participate in raising children is also a kind of contribution to his future. But whether it will be positive or bad, time will tell.

Problem and signs of imbalance

A person can achieve success and prosperity if the three components of the ego interact harmoniously in him. Each state should account for approximately 30% of his time.

If you know the principles of transaction, then you can include a child, adult or parent in the right situation so that communication goes according to the desired scenario.

Unfortunately, not everyone has this balance. This leads to various communication problems. Most often, an individual is dominated by a parent or a child.

The child cannot make adult decisions, is late for work, blames others for failures, and gets offended.

The parent constantly teaches his other half, friends, partners.

These excesses negatively affect, first of all, the person himself. Imbalance problems are expressed as follows:

Child

If there is little child in a person, then she does not experience spontaneous desires, joy, or emotions. A child is a piece of childhood that remains with an individual for life.

Bern believes that this side is the most valuable. It allows you to remain spontaneous, delighted, and develop your creative potential.

The expressed side of the child, on the contrary, makes the individual irresponsible, undisciplined, and unable to achieve goals. He only wants to play, receive, but not give.

A depressed or rebellious child is very touchy and prone to depression. He needs parental care, depends on other people's opinions, and has low self-esteem.

If the ego-child is very dominant, then this becomes a serious problem. A person tends to blame other people for failures, does not draw conclusions from his mistakes, and accumulates grievances. These grievances and disappointments lead to depression, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Hypertrophied parent

This is usually a boring, grumbling, lecturing person.

He does not recognize other people's opinions and criticizes. In relation to himself and others he expresses inflated demands, that is, he is a perfectionist.

The ego-parent tries to constantly control the situation and blames himself for failures. This side of personality that is too pronounced often becomes the cause of mental disorders. This can be avoided if you consciously change the script prescribed in childhood.

Adult problem

The problem for adults is that this side shows up too rarely. Not everyone is able to adequately assess reality, make the right decision, accept constructive criticism, or compromise.

True, the condition of an adult can and should be developed and increased. For example, a person experiences resentment as a result of a conflict. He should analyze the situation and understand whether the interlocutor really wanted to offend him or whether the ego-child was emotionally hurt.

Often, skilled manipulators try to evoke the child's emotions in order to achieve their goal.

The next time a conflict situation arises, you need to “turn on” the adult and “turn off” the child, that is, not fall for the manipulator’s hook.

Thus, a person can be considered mature if a balance has been achieved between the three sides of the ego. The immaturity of one side and the dominance of the other become a source of psychological problems.

Three ego states. Your first selves:

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Reluctance to take responsibility

Every cause has its effect. If you tell a friend “you’re acting like a child,” and you don’t understand why an adult would allow himself to behave like that, then just believe that the person has a reason for this. Which? A person who cannot or does not want to take responsibility will behave like a child. He will run away from real life and try with all his might to live in his fantasy world. Even if you make every effort to return the person to this reality, you may not succeed. Until the individual himself understands that it is time to grow up, all your arguments will not be accepted.

Mental infantilism is an immaturity of thought processes, the main component of which is the avoidance of responsibility and independent decision-making due to delayed mental development. Such people, as a rule, do not have any goals or plans for their future life. Psychological infantilism differs from mental one in that such a person has good abstract thinking, has a good ability to learn, but, for some reason, there was a “disruption” of attitudes. Often such infantilism occurs at the age of 18-20 years, it is during this period that the child’s first adult decisions (enrolling in college, getting a job, etc.) occur.

Recently, social infantilism has become increasingly common - underdevelopment of the personality as an individual due to constant strife in society. An example would be excessive guardianship over one’s child, when the parent’s beloved child has never made independent decisions in his life, and, as an adult, is literally “lost” in the vast world due to a misconception about it. Psychological immaturity creates stereotypical thinking: “My parents took care of me, and other people will.” On a subconscious level, an immature personality is looking for an adult and responsible spouse to partner with, so that he can solve all the problems himself.

Infantile personality disorder is a persistent symptom complex that has been developing in an adult for years and leads to an acute need to satisfy one’s needs through other people.

There are several types of infantilism:

Mental. Caused by mental incompetence due to delayed mental development;
Psychological. Formed under the influence of stressful situations;
Physiological. Impaired physical development due to pregnancy pathology or intrauterine infection.

Afterword

What is the difference between a constructive business conflict and a destructive one? In constructive, people discuss contradictions and try to understand the opposite side for the sake of a common solution and clarification of the truth. In a destructive argument, people try to defend their point of view and win. But is it possible to win? Are there any winners in a broken family, a layoff, or a fight? No. Each side will feel sorry for itself and consider itself betrayed.

The inability to psychologically competently resolve conflicts and be flexible in roles leads to relationships becoming chronically emotionally tense. As a result, they either fall apart, or the participants develop psychosomatic illnesses and neuroses. Berne's theory is a useful basis for studying the problem of conflicts (in the family, at work, in any interpersonal interaction) and their resolution.

Transactional analysis

The twentieth century gave the world many outstanding people. One of them is the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne (1910-1970), the creator of transactional analysis. His theory has become a separate popular trend in psychology, incorporating the ideas of psychoanalysis, behaviorism, and cognitive psychology.

E. Berne presented the theory of transactional analysis in a language accessible to readers in several works. Many of them have been translated into Russian and have remained bestsellers for more than half a century. His most famous books are: “Games People Play”, “People Who Play Games”, “Beyond Games and Scripts”.

And in the book “Transactional analysis in psychotherapy. Systemic Individual and Social Psychiatry” contains the entire coherent theory of E. Bern, and not only its main blocks, developed in subsequent publications - the analysis of games and scenarios - but also aspects that the author does not set out in his other books.

E. Bern

In a practical sense, transactional analysis is a system for correcting the behavior of individuals, couples and small groups. After familiarizing yourself with the works of E. Bern and adopting his concept, you can independently adjust your behavior so as to improve relationships with the people around you and yourself.

The central concept of the theory is transaction - the act of interaction between two individuals entering into communication, the basis of interpersonal relationships.

It is difficult to literally translate the word “transaction” from English, but in terms of meaning it is most often interpreted as “interaction,” although a transaction is not the entire interaction, but only its element, a unit of communication. Human interactions consist of many transactions.

A transaction includes a stimulus and a response. One person says something (stimulus), and the second person responds something (response).

A simple transaction example:

- Can I help you? (stimulus) - No, thank you, I’ll do it myself. (reaction)

If interaction were based only on the “stimulus-response” scheme, there would not be such a variety of human relationships. Why does a person behave differently with different people and reveal himself in a special way in his interactions?

The fact is that when communicating, one individual comes into contact with another person as a person with a person, or more precisely, some part of his personality with a part of the personality of another person.

Develop a loving inner parent

Healing of the inner child occurs through a loving attitude towards him. To learn to treat him with love, it is important to develop a loving and caring inner parent. In return for that critical, non-accepting, rejecting parent who is now inside you.

This process is not quick. You can't just do something today and wake up tomorrow with a loving inner parent. Long-term regular work is required for this. But if you really carry it out, then you won’t even notice how you will become more stable and filled with love.

Parent

In this state, the main thing for a person becomes the demands of his own parents or those who performed this social role - for example, teachers. Or even his idols, real or imagined - as an option: favorite book characters who did the “right thing”.

The key word for a parent is “Must!” Rules, norms, responsibilities, traditions - this is the diocese of the parent.

In a positive way, this all manifests itself as responsibility for one’s life, the ability to stop in time and say a strong “no”, and not succumb to temptations that lead “in the wrong direction.” And the willingness to give yourself love and support.

The negative side manifests itself in automatism - thoughtless adherence to norms, simply because it “has to be done.” And also in criticism addressed to himself, often repeating what significant adults once said: “hands don’t grow from there,” “he’s just like his father,” “but neighbor Vasya is better.”

The state of the parent implies that most reactions and decisions are made fully automatically. Established patterns prevent any drastic changes. Thanks to this, the parent takes care of the child and ensures his safety. But at the same time, it eliminates everything connected with childhood joy.

Video about how the psychotypes of a parent and child influence our decision making:

Reasons for deteriorating relationships with adult children

What to do if your child forgot to even call, didn’t remember you either on Mother’s Day or on your birthday? First, let's try to understand the reasons for his actions. Remember what little miracle lay in your arms, looked inquisitively with its clear eyes, grabbed your finger with naughty hands, or snorted sweetly in its crib... You sang lullabies to him, told him fairy tales, opened up the world to him. You were the center of the universe for your child. It was to you that the baby ran with his pain or joy, because only with you he felt safe; could be funny or ridiculous, because he knew that you love him in any way, because he is a part of your soul and body, there is an eternal indestructible connection between you, you are one whole.

But the years go by, and your baby is becoming more mature. Other people, friends, girlfriends or just acquaintances appeared in his circle. Over time, he came to you less and less for advice, shared his successes or, conversely, problems less and less. But more and more he tried to find himself in areas incomprehensible to you - computer games, sports, social networks, clothes... Of course, you were offended, because you so wanted to remain for him the same center of the Universe as you were in early childhood.

Characteristics of states

According to Berne's model of behavior, each individual in interpersonal interactions occupies one of three positions.

They can be briefly described as follows:

a parent is stereotypes instilled in childhood;
an adult is an objective assessment of the current situation;
child - behavior based on emotions and unconscious reactions.

Parent's position

A person in this state behaves as if from above his experience, coerces, criticizes, teaches. This is a reflection of the image of parents, their behavior model.

The main word of the parent ego state is “must, must.” A parent can be caring, then he calms, helps and criticizes, who threatens, punishes.

A person utters characteristic phrases: “I know what’s best,” “I’ll tell you, I’ll teach you,” “You can’t do that,” etc. Typically, such behavior is applicable to raising children and being a teacher.

Often an individual enters a state unconsciously when he receives a corresponding message. For example, the reaction to a toy broken by a child will be the same as that of his parents.

Adult position

If an individual is in this state, he is reasonable, objective, reacts adequately to the current situation, is capable of reasoning, and does the right things worthy of an adult.

Typical phrases are: “Let’s discuss the situation,” “I’m ready for dialogue,” “We can find the right solution.”

This is that part of the personality that is formed by the person himself without the influence of parental attitudes.

Child's position

Personal behavior is determined by emotions and instincts. That is, a person behaves as he did in childhood.

This ego state is a reflection of the fears and experiences of childhood. It also shows the creative side of the personality.

In behavior, a child can be spontaneous when he acts directly on emotions. It can also be rebellious and adaptable. Basic phrases: “I want”, “I can’t”, “Give”, “Why me”, “If I don’t get it, then...”, etc.

Child

Child – “I want”, “I like”. There is no need to describe anything here, just remember the classic behavioral characteristics of children: true emotions are never hidden, they dictate words and actions. What else do children do? They are capricious, hooligan, cry, laugh, get scared, get offended. Their vocabulary differs in the following expressions:

I want, I don’t want;
Amazing;
tired;
when will this all end;
to hell with it all;
I will never agree;
I love you madly.

That is, the child is ruled by emotions and feelings, which is immediately reflected in behavior and communication. The child is responsible for spontaneity, ingenuity, charm (natural child), but at the same time he can be capricious, aggressive, rebellious, whiny, touchy (adaptive child).

The consequences of different parenting styles and how to mitigate them

The parent-child relationship is influenced by several factors:

Personal experience of raising parents themselves. In adulthood, people bring the disadvantages and advantages of the educational process that existed in childhood

For example, the appearance of younger family members was assessed as a negative phenomenon, because all the parents' attention was focused on the youngest. There is an idealization of childhood, excessive guardianship, and a desire to prolong the child’s childhood.

The result is a restriction of independence, the development of a consumer attitude and selfishness. Awareness of the mistake comes after a consultation, during which parents are advised to give more freedom to their children, understanding the difficulties encountered on the path of personal growth. Children make their own decisions, parents support them, regardless of the correctness of the choice made. Parents' aspirations that were not realized in childhood - lack of achievements. This internal attitude hinders the child’s social adaptation; he is forced to spend more time at home and pay attention to family members. The result is that the teenager becomes distant and spends a lot of time outside the home with strangers. The psychologist’s goal is to identify parents’ children’s problems, make them aware of their own unrealized plans, and perhaps confront them with the fact that it is never too late to engage in any type of activity. This approach shifts the parents' attention to themselves, freeing the child from constant control. Attachment. The fear of being alone forces the mother or father to demand the child's attention. Perhaps the parent spent his childhood in a single-parent family, and there was a shortage of male and female attention. The assessment of the pupil’s behavior is based on whether he creates the required emotional sensation for his parents or not. Parents need to work through this aspect, after which the relationship improves. Personal characteristics of adults surrounding the baby. Lack of understanding and flexibility leads to conflicts in adolescence. It's time for adults to stop seeing their son and daughter as small. A bad relationship or lack thereof with the child’s other parent can cause an internal struggle, a desire to change the person by influencing the offspring. The child does not understand what caused the behavior of, for example, the mother, he is forced to psychologically close himself off. Realizing and accepting the situation is the only way out so as not to destroy the relationship with your son or daughter.

The circumstances of the birth of a baby affect the relationship - unwanted pregnancy, difficult childbirth, long-term illness, gender discrepancy with the expected. These moments can cause alienation and rejection by the parent of the child.

Self-state theory

E. Berne defined the personality structure as a composition of its three components or parts - I-states (Ego-states).

Parent

All the norms, rules, prohibitions, prejudices and morals that a person learned in childhood from parents and other significant adults add up to what is called the “inner voice” or “voice of conscience.” When conscience awakens, the inner Parent awakens.

Most people know what it means to be a parent, to care for, care for and raise a child. In the Parent ego state, a person strives to manage, control, lead. His position in communication is condescending or contemptuous, he is categorical, emotional, uses life experience and wisdom, loves to teach, instruct, and moralize.

E. Berne divided this Self-state into the Helping Parent, who mainly provides support and care, and the Critical Parent, who scolds and blames.

Child

Every person was a child and in adulthood sometimes happens to return to a childish style of behavior. The child behaves naturally, naively, spontaneously, he fools around, enjoys life, adapts and rebels. In the position of a Child, a person often thoughtlessly follows his own desires and needs.

In the relationship between Child and Parent, the Child depends on the Parent, obeys him, shows his weakness, lack of independence, shifts responsibility, is capricious, and so on.

A child “wakes up” in a mature person when he is creative, looks for creative ideas, spontaneously expresses emotions, plays and has fun. The Child's position is a source of spontaneity and sexuality.

The Child’s behavior, posture, facial expressions and gestures are not contrived, but lively and active; they express true feelings and experiences. The Man-Child will easily cry, laugh, lower his head if he feels guilty, pout his lips if he is offended, and so on. His speech is rich and expressive, filled with questions and exclamations.

Adult

The Adult I-state is called upon to regulate and adapt the impulses of the Child and Parent in order to maintain mental balance. This is a state of balance, calm, restraint. When solving a problem, an Adult will consider it from all sides, analyze it, draw conclusions, make a forecast, draw up an action plan and implement it. He communicates not from a position “above” as a Parent or “from below” as a Child, but on an equal basis, as a partner. An adult is confident in himself, speaks calmly, coldly and only to the point. He differs from the Parent in his dispassion, insensibility and emotionlessness.

Each of the three ego states can be defined as a strategy for influencing another person. The child manipulates, taking the position “I want!”, The parent – “I must!”, The adult – combining “I want” and “I must”.

For example, in a married couple where the husband occupies the position of Parent, the wife can consciously manipulate him by taking the position of Child. She knows that she only has to cry for her husband to do everything she wants.

If the I-states of two people complement each other, that is, the transactional stimulus entails an appropriate and natural reaction, communication will go smoothly and last a very long time. Otherwise, misunderstandings, misunderstandings, quarrels, conflicts and other communication problems arise.

For example, Adult-Adult or Parent-Child communication will go smoothly. If the first interlocutor addresses the second from the position of an Adult and expects that he is also an Adult, but receives a Child’s response, difficulties may arise.

For example:

- We're late, we need to hurry up. (Adult to Adult) - This is all because you are disorganized! (Parent to Child)

There are much more complex and confusing transactions. For example, when communication occurs at the verbal level at the Adult-Adult level, and at the non-verbal level Adult-

Child. If the phrase “I don’t agree with you,” characteristic of an Adult, is pronounced with offense, this is the position of a Child.

Transactional analysis begins with the designation of the I-states of the participants in the interaction. This is necessary in order to determine the nature of relationships and the influence of people on each other.

Each self-state has both a positive and a negative aspect. It’s good when a person knows how to combine all these three positions: to be a cheerful Child, a caring Parent, and a reasonable Adult.

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How to use Berne's theory in communication

When we are exhausted and excited, then addressing us from the position of an adult can be regarded as an attack on our inner child. Who stands up for the children? Right. Parents, but they inadvertently (or deliberately) offend their children. So children and parents will fight until someone gets tired of it, or rather, until the body of one of the participants fails (hysteria, hypertension, fainting).

In general, the continuation of the story depends on the strength of expression of each of the roles in a person. If the parent is weak, then the person will face the reproach in silence, swallow and leave, complaining about his unfortunate fate. This does not change the essence: the problem will remain unresolved.

If you visually imagine a formed group of communication participants (two adults, two parents, two children), then this bazaar will start to give you a headache. But the problem is that only adults, who cannot be heard over the screams of parents and children, can solve problems productively. As a result, the problem either remains unresolved or is resolved after a scandal. But why then waste time on it? Isn’t it easier to immediately answer your opponent correctly?

Conflict, or rather resolving disagreements, can and should be done from the perspective of adults. This is called a productive conflict, the goal of which is to get to know each other better, understand and come to a common decision.

Psychological flexibility and the ability to outwardly obey will help with this. The point is that you agree with the claim presented to you, then compliment your opponent and repeat the request. In our example with a family, it may look like this: the husband will answer that he is really like a child, but his wife is smart, always knows where and what is, neat, and, of course, will help him find a tie and teach him how to maintain order.

This is not weakness, not a humiliation of personal dignity (probably now the child in you has spoken to you, who does not want to do this). This is a manifestation of the flexibility of the mind and psyche, the answer of an adult who is ready to quickly and constructively solve problematic issues. Flexibility implies the ability to easily and quickly adapt between the internal roles of an adult, a child and a parent. If this mobility is not present, then it is noted:

the powerlessness of an adult under the dominance of a parent or child (I understood everything, but could not do anything);
Indulgence of a parent to a child (for example, satisfying one’s “wants” against the backdrop of a weak financial situation or celebration, loans for a wedding).

A flexible person knows how to be different:

At work, give priority to the adult, and place the child in last place.
With friends in an informal setting or with a loved one alone, he will give free rein to his inner child.
To fulfill traditions and norms, you will need a parent.

It is very good if your partner also has this psychological flexibility. Well, if it doesn’t, then you already know how to deal with it. How to develop a dominant adult role:

Learn to respond promptly to the first calls from a child or parent, do not make automatic decisions, learn to calm down and wait. Self-regulation will help with this.
Train yourself to ask in moments of doubt: “Is this true?”, “Where did this thought, desire come from?”, “Is this acceptable in this case?”
When you are in a bad mood, ask yourself what or who the inner child is offended by.
Learn to bring your partner into the role of an adult. To do this, it is enough to answer a couple of times according to the method described above, for example, to a boss who demands an impossible task and exclaims “Figure out how to do it yourself, after all, what are you here for!”: “If I knew how to do this and could think as good as you, then long ago I would have been a boss, not a subordinate. So how to do this? Yes, perhaps you will receive a few more reproaches, but if you remain as brave as you are, then all that remains for the boss is to descend from the position of a parent to the position of an adult. So, in order to bring your partner to the position of an adult, you need to agree with his reproach, and then ask a question.
Never look down. It is ideal to look eye to eye. This is the position of an adult. The parent looks down from above, who in Bern's theory always attacks, makes claims (although sometimes takes care of him). It’s better to look a little from below (this is a child surrendering to the power of a partner), but behave like an adult.

Child

This state contains an echo of our childhood - it contains the feelings and needs that we experienced when we were children. This is a manifestation of our inner reality as it was before the age of 6-8.

The key word of this inner reality is “I want!”: I want to play, ride on a swing, eat ice cream... In its positive manifestation, this state gives a feeling of grown wings, encouragement, inspiration. When you want to rejoice in this world, scream with happiness, run happily somewhere.

Wanting only to have fun and play, the child is not interested in the consequences of his behavior. Moreover, he is not involved in any planning, formation, or distribution of resources.

There are no prohibitions or social norms for the child’s condition. More precisely, he does not understand and does not want to understand what it is. “Take it all out and put it in” for him. How exactly you “take it out” and how you “put it in” is not his business.

When a child is faced with a prohibition, with the impossibility of fulfilling his “I want”, protests, resentments, whims, crying begin - the negative aspect of this ego state manifests itself.

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Stuck in childhood? Have you also encountered people whose behavior does not “match” their real age and position in society? What is it called when an adult behaves like a small child, completely copies children's rash actions and decisions? What do you call a person who doesn't want to grow up? Why are there more such individuals and what is the reason for this?

The condition when a person does not want to grow up and behaves like a child is called infantilism.

A person in this form is an infantile.

The most common form of this psychological disorder is socio-psychological infantilism, which is very common in ordinary families. Moreover, as a rule, such families actually have a small child. Why is this happening? And who is more susceptible to deliberate infantilism?

Functions

No person can remain in only one state all the time.

When exposed to certain stimuli, certain aspects of the personality are “turned on”

It matters which ego is dominant

All three states are important for interpersonal relationships and perform specific functions:

The child’s task is creation, the creation of an emotional picture of desires, which will be a stimulus for further development. The child acts spontaneously, creates, gives birth to ideas.
The task of a parent is care, training, guidance. Monitoring compliance with the rules, providing assistance, constructive criticism.
The task of an adult is to adapt to the current situation, find a solution, and constructive dialogue. In other words, he must act in accordance with objective reality.

For example, a decision is made as follows:

the child feels a desire to receive something, feels emotions;
an adult is looking for ways to solve a problem;
the parent monitors the correctness of execution, criticizes, guides, evaluates.

Why does the inner child begin to dominate?

As a rule, this ego state is “activated” and takes a leading position in a person’s subconscious under the following circumstances:

persistent and prolonged feeling of guilt, shame;
emotional turmoil;
the comfort that can be achieved by demonstrating infantility;
excessive stress, hypertrophied sense of responsibility;
suppression of one's own nature;
excessive focus on results;
the need to conform to something;
emotional exhaustion or depression.

This list can be continued, since there are quite a lot of circumstances and emotional states that lead to the dominance of the inner child. However, none of them is the root cause of the inner child’s desire for excessive activity. Any life circumstances serve as an alarm clock, causing the ego state to become more active.

Classification of parenting styles in psychology

The system of educational techniques is an unconscious set of methods. Awareness includes:

understanding the goals of education;
choice of techniques;
setting goals;
analysis of methods, taking into account experience.

There are 5 main types of educational influence:

Guardianship. Parents provide all the baby’s needs, depriving him of initiative and the opportunity to take care of himself. The result of such upbringing is a person’s complete unadaptability to life. The child's independence is blocked.
Dictatorship. Signs of dictatorship are coercion, ignoring the interests of the child, physical or mental abuse when trying to show resistance.
Non-intervention or liberalism. One side of the issue is taking into account the interests of adults and children, on the other - coldness, inability of parents to learn to communicate, emotional distance.
Cooperation is the most constructive community of close people, where everyone has the right to seek help.
Parity is a group in which family members act according to a plan that ensures that all people get what they want.

In single-parent and two-parent families, mothers are involved in raising children. The father's role is to provide financial support for the cell's needs.

Parent

Parent – “should”, “shouldn’t”. When the parent awakens in us, we take a “hands on hips” pose, point a finger, express contempt or condescension with a smile. The gaze is heavy and directed downward. The sitting position is relaxed, the body is slightly tilted back. The parent always defends his position, teaches others, and considers only himself right. In the vocabulary of such a person there are expressions:

I won't stand for this.
You are completely wrong.
Do as I say.
You are required.
It is forbidden.
A fool understands.
You can't really do anything.

The parent always strives to catch the opponent, identify contradictions in his judgments, and prove the speaker wrong. It relies on the information that was received in childhood from the family and social environment: norms, requirements, prohibitions. “Do as I do or do not as I do, but as I say,” is the position of the parent. He controls and cares. When a parent is completely blocked, the person becomes unprincipled and forgets about morality and rules of behavior.

Remember your childhood

Trauma that occurs to a person at a young age can leave an impact for the rest of his life. If in childhood one of the person’s loved ones died, or the person suddenly realized that he was not cared for and was not loved, then, growing up, such a person will try all his life to overcome his inferiority complex. A person will demand love from everyone around him.

Have you noticed cases when parents behave like children? Probably, these adults are not just playing around, they really feel like kids who want warmth and care. But the fact is that when becoming a parent, a person should take care of the baby, and not look for warmth from others. A person must understand that childhood traumas should be outgrown, and not drag their baggage throughout life. If you cannot cope with mental anguish on your own, then a person can turn to a qualified psychologist who will help find a way out of the most difficult situation.