What to do if a child is constantly capricious, protests, does not listen, throws tantrums and does not let his mother go for a single step?
A one-year-old baby pleases his parents with his new skills: he understands speech, and even tries to pronounce his first words; he gets to his feet and begins to walk. It would seem that this is the happiness of a mother - an “almost adult” person!
But before the parents have time to think that it’s time to relax a little, they discover that it’s as if someone has replaced their sweet, smiling and accommodating child with a capricious and completely impossible child.
What's happened? Is the child sick? Have you experienced severe stress? Or was he spoiled for attention? Most likely, the reason is different - the crisis of one year has come.
Most often, children use crying to manipulate their parents.
There are situations when a child hits something and starts crying for objective reasons. Or his tears are provoked by resentment, which is caused by incorrect actions on the part of his parents. For example, their indifferent attitude. In these cases, the child's crying is justified.
However, when the baby starts crying for no apparent reason, most likely he is trying to manipulate you. This can manifest itself in situations like the following. For example, you are talking on the phone with a friend. The child is trying to get your attention. But you don't react because you're talking on the phone. Then the child starts crying for no reason. Pretend to be offended. And thus attracts your attention.
If the mother immediately hangs up and begins to calm the baby (even though she herself does not understand why he is crying), this may negatively affect the future relationship. He will understand that crying is a lever of pressure with which he can achieve what he wants. Moreover, in any situation.
How do you know that screaming is not related to a health condition?
— If we are talking about a child under one year old, then the most important thing is to be attentive to his needs, trying to eliminate the causes of discomfort in a timely manner. But not every baby calms down quickly and easily; for some it is very difficult due to the characteristics of the nervous system. In addition, sometimes children cry because they are tired and overexcited. The individual characteristics of the child’s nervous system matter here.
It is very important to know the characteristics of the baby, monitor his current condition (monitor loss of appetite, etc.) and be observed by specialists (undergo medical examination in a timely manner and seek advice if necessary).
Reasons why babies cry
There are several reasons that can cause a baby to cry. They are the following:
- The child wants to achieve what he wants by crying
. Tears are a very powerful tool of manipulation that most children resort to. If parents do not stop it in childhood, the child will use it even in adolescence. When he doesn't like something, he will start crying. Pressure on parents' pity. And thereby force them to do what he wants.
- Chad loves being small
. There is an opinion that older children use crying due to immaturity. They have not yet outgrown the period when certain compromises with parents can be achieved through dialogue. And they always use crying when they don’t like a certain decision of adults. Or their behavior. For example, when dad is watching a political program on TV, his adult daughter may ask him to turn it off. Of course, the father will not do this. Because he will be interested in what the program participants will say next. Then the daughter begins to cry. Tell mom: “Ask dad to turn off the TV!” I don't like this program! Mom, in order to calm her daughter down, will insist on turning off the TV. And the girl will begin to manipulate crying in the future.
- Baby tries to get attention by crying
. Tears are also used by children if parents pay little attention to them. Or they don’t communicate with them at all. If you pay little attention to your child, he is guaranteed to cry. And in a similar way, he will try to get you to show at least some emotions towards him. Even if they are negative. For example: “Stop crying! I’m already tired of you!”
- With the help of crying, the child tries to avoid insults from parents or serious punishments.
. This method can be used by the baby both as manipulation and as a defensive reaction. This manifests itself as follows. For example, a child broke his mother’s favorite mug due to his carelessness. He understands that his mother will punish him. He starts crying very loudly, comes to his mother’s room, and says: “Mommy, I broke your favorite mug, please forgive me, I’m so clumsy.” At the same time, he sobs loudly. The mother sees the child's tears and decides to forgive him just because he is crying. And supposedly he repents. The kid understands that the manipulation worked, he was not punished, and adopts the technique. Starts to use it in the future. Despite the fact that he may not even feel guilty for what he did.
Once again about colic
Another common cause of crying in newborns is intestinal colic. Colic is manifested not only by screaming. Also characteristic symptoms: tucking in the legs, or vice versa - the baby arches; flatulence and bloating. One of the most popular versions about the nature of colic is the immature gastrointestinal tract of the child.
Intestinal colic does not require any treatment. As a rule, they go away on their own after 3 months.
However, you can influence the symptoms of the phenomenon:
- use a gas outlet tube. For example, Windi tubes, the use of which immediately provides relief
- give the baby an anti-bloating suspension (only after consulting a doctor)
- Place a warm compress on your baby's tummy
To prevent colic and more, pediatricians recommend placing the baby on his tummy before each feeding. You should start with a few minutes, and gradually increase the time to 10-15 minutes. And after feeding, the baby must be carried vertically so that air that could get there with food comes out of the stomach.
In addition, feeding itself can be a cause of crying. So, for example, if a newborn is on mixed or artificial feeding, then the cause of his cry may be discomfort in the digestive system. Most often, this is due to an incorrectly selected mixture.
You can read more about mixed feeding in our article “Mixed feeding: what is important for mom to know?”
Doctors who follow modern trends in pediatrics recommend giving newborns a formula based on goat's milk.
Firstly, because goat milk is closest in composition to breast milk. This means that it is easier to digest by the child’s body, and the load on the immature digestive system is minimal. The safest and best choice in this case would be Kabrita, a mixture based on farm goat milk. The mixture is produced in the Netherlands. According to scientific publications, Cabrita is enriched with a fat complex rich in beta palmitate, which, in addition to improving the duration and quality of a child’s sleep, also reduces the duration and intensity of crying.
Determine what situations provoke a child to manipulate by crying
At the first stage, you need to find out when the child begins to use crying for further manipulation. If you feel that tears will soon appear on your baby's face, talk to him. Find out what happened to him. For what reason did he become sad? Give the opportunity to speak. And indicate what doesn’t suit him. And then try to calmly resolve the issue. No screams or tears.
This way you will let your child know that issues can be resolved calmly. And that it is much more effective, faster than causing a scandal.
Diagnosis of aggressive behavior in children: test
Of course, not all aggressive behavior is a problem. For example, why does a child fight when he is attacked? This is self-defense. What if a teenager tries to defend his opinion and argues? This is the formation of personality and growing up. How do you understand when aggressiveness goes beyond useful aggression? Take a short aggression test for teenagers and children of primary and secondary school age.
Signs of aggressive behavior
Read the statements and think about how they reflect your child's behavior. Choose “almost always or often” or “rarely or almost never” for each statement.
My child:
- Sensitive, has difficulty controlling irritation.
- Argues and swears with adults or children.
- Refuses to follow the rules.
- It’s as if the child deliberately provokes those around him, drawing them into conflict.
- Screams and calls names when angry or dissatisfied with something.
- Fights, breaks and throws things.
- Offends those who are weaker (younger children and animals, older people).
- He tries to take revenge if someone hurts him, even by accident.
- Likes to be first. Reacts violently if he loses.
- Does not know how to negotiate and resolve conflicts peacefully.
You can assume problematic aggressive behavior if at least 4 of the listed signs were present in your child’s behavior for at least three months.
To form a more complete picture, you should seek help from psychologists. For example, order a behavior modification course using 7Spsy technology. Before starting classes, your child will undergo completely anonymous diagnostic testing.
Pay attention to your child
Pay attention to the child - this way you will deprive him of the main reason for manipulation by crying:
- Talk to your child.
- Give him the opportunity to speak out about his problems in kindergarten or school.
- Play with your child.
- Go to the city, to amusement parks.
- Spend time together.
When the child receives enough attention from you, he will have no reason to cry. Because he already has what he is doing it for. On the contrary, the child will be grateful to you for the attention and support that you give him.
If you promise your child something, be sure to keep it.
Throughout the entire process of raising a child, you must keep your promises. If you give your word to do something, then be sure to keep it. So that it is imprinted in the child’s subconscious: promises must be kept.
As an example, we can cite the following situations:
- They said that tomorrow at 14:00 you will go to the amusement park, go there without fail. Exactly at the same time. You can go to the amusement park before 14:00. Later - no.
- They said that in a week you would buy your child a Lego set. Be sure to purchase it.
- You promised that you would take your child to football on Saturday, and be sure to keep your word.
This is necessary for the child to become more confident. So that he feels how you support him. And so that he knows: if the parents made a promise, they will fulfill it. This will help get rid of the tearfulness in the child’s voice due to the fact that he will become confident in the future.
The same should be done with regard to promises regarding punishments. If you say you will punish your child, then do it. Regardless of whether he cries or not.
If you decide to punish a child, he cries and you forgive him, then this will have negative consequences. In the future, the child will never accept your threats of punishment. Because he will know that you can easily brush them off after crying a little.
Communication without hysterics
Finally, here are a few rules from our expert.
To prevent tantrums from becoming a form of manipulation by adults, you need to:
- Teach your child socially acceptable ways of expressing anger that will not harm others (growling, stomping your feet, beating a pillow). Give the opportunity sometimes to simply “go wild” (an excellent release of accumulated irritation);
- Learn to understand your feelings and talk about them;
- Talk with your child about the feelings and interests of other people, teach them to treat them with respect;
- Regularly organize active games in which children train to manage emotions (pillow fights, snowballs, tag, etc.);
- Completely abandon physical punishment, never respond with aggression to the child’s angry behavior;
- Be an example of a friendly attitude towards people.
Create clear agreements with your child
Create boundaries for your child that he should not cross by crying. For example:
- If you are talking to someone on the phone, then this call is important to you. This means that the child should not distract you from him under any circumstances.
- If you are walking through a toy store and your child asks you to buy something expensive, but you don’t have money, then he should take it calmly. Don't start crying right in the store. And shout: “But I still want this toy.” Instead, the child may voice complaints at home.
- If you go to the skating rink and rent your child skates that he doesn't like in color, he should still wear them. And don't cry. You need to explain to your child that no one will change their skates because of the color. And that his tears will lead to nothing but frayed nerves.
You can enter any other rules. The main thing is that the child knows the limits of where he is not allowed to cry. If you can teach him this, then the child will not cry for no reason. And he will not manipulate you with tears.
Is the crisis of three years the same for everyone?
— The three-year crisis occurs differently in children. Some become stubborn and even despotic for a long time, constantly experiencing and expressing their dissatisfaction. Others only occasionally demonstrate obstinacy and self-will.
During this difficult time, adults need to be patient and respect the child’s feelings. Try to treat the crisis as a necessary, albeit not very pleasant, phenomenon. If possible, provide the child with some independence, the right to choose clothes, activities at a particular time, food - ensuring, of course, his safety.
It is important to optimize the number of prohibitions - prohibit only what is unsafe for the baby or unpleasant for others. As for the rest, you can and should experiment.
