Failure to admit your mistakes can lead to relationship problems and hinder personal growth. We'll talk about how to learn to keep your ego under control.
It's completely normal to be proud of yourself. Pride can help us cope with difficult situations and is a manifestation of a certain level of self-confidence that we need in our personal and professional lives. However, there is a fine line between healthy self-confidence and stubborn assertion of your ego. One of the main indicators that you have crossed this line is the inability to admit that you are wrong.
“At its most primitive level, ego can be defined as “a sense of self-worth or self-worth,” says American neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez. “If egocentrism dominates us, then we definitely need to emerge victorious from any dispute, be it in a family quarrel or in a stupid discussion about which film should be given an Oscar.”
If we can't admit we're wrong, both big and small, it can create real problems for us. Such inability can mar our closest relationships and become a stumbling block to our personal growth. Why is it so difficult for us to “put aside” our ego and admit our mistakes? How can we learn to do this for the common good?
Why is it so difficult to admit a mistake?
One of the reasons why some of us fail to admit our mistakes is due to a basic inability to be aware of our actions. This problem can haunt us in all areas of life and throughout life, or it can create a “blind spot” only in certain situations. After all, if a person simply does not understand that he is wrong, it is impossible for him to admit his mistake.
However, in other cases, a person may realize that he is partly or completely wrong, but nevertheless refuses to admit his guilt because he values his ego so much.
“For some people, admitting they are wrong creates too much of a threat to their self-esteem because it causes embarrassment, shame, guilt, and perhaps challenges their self-image,” says Dr. Kate Kaplan, a licensed clinical psychologist. “As a result, people resort to overcompensation, denying that they made a mistake or claiming that it was not their fault, thereby protecting their self-image.”
This process is called cognitive dissonance. It represents an unconscious defense system that many of us use to protect our egos. “People who have trouble admitting mistakes,” says Dr. Kaplan, “even if they are aware of them on some level, often worry that if they show any imperfection in their actions, it will be evidence of some serious shortcoming. Admitting such imperfections will make them feel weak, unable to be liked by others, and perhaps just a bad person. Deep down, they often have a fear of losing the respect of others or ruining relationships.”
How to learn to admit your own mistakes
Give yourself permission to make mistakes
Change the mindset that mistakes are bad. On the contrary, gradually learn to treat them as a signal about the need for change. For example, the project turned out to be unsuccessful, which means it is worth rethinking its strategy. Or a carelessly spoken word to a loved one led to a quarrel. It's worth thinking about what's wrong with communication? This analysis will lead to improvements in certain areas of life.
List your strengths
Although mistakes indicate some imperfections, for example, gaps in knowledge or skills, you should not forget about your strengths. Thanks to them, you can correct the situation and make it much better. List what knowledge, abilities, and character traits will help you work on your mistakes.
Reflect
Remember the mistakes you have made and analyze your behavior in these situations. When were you able to correct the situation and thanks to what? Perhaps someone helped you or did you find strength on your own? A detailed analysis of the past will help you in this situation.
Discuss the problem
If the situation is work-related, your colleague may have made similar mistakes and knows how to resolve them. You can also share with a loved one. Even if he doesn’t give advice, during the discussion you will find a way out of the situation and, thereby, understand that everything can be fixed.
How a Stubborn Ego Can Impact Your World
In other words, saying, “Yes, I did wrong, I’m sorry,” can be scary. However, stubborn denial of mistakes frustrates our friends, colleagues, family members and partners. This behavior causes people to stay away from us and causes us to become isolated. It also makes personal growth difficult.
“At the root of the refusal to admit one’s mistakes is a fragile ego. So when the people we love begin to turn away from us, it feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy: we receive confirmation that we are unlovable, says Dr. Kaplan. – This reinforces the pattern of denial and our usual psychological defenses. Without admitting a mistake, we often do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable, because this would mean abandoning our psychological defenses that protect our ego from any threats.”
When a person continually avoids vulnerability, Dr. Kaplan explains, they internalize feelings of shame, guilt, and fear, and over time, this affects their mental health, leading to depression or anxiety.
Conversely, “admitting our mistakes demonstrates to others that we have compassion, empathy, sympathy, and the ability to hear others. It also becomes clear that we are able to be objective about ourselves and do not consider ourselves “perfect” and right in everything.”
Admitting our shortcomings allows others to see our vulnerability and even makes them love us. It opens up for us the possibility of meaningful dialogue, which means personal growth and greater openness in relationships.
How to apologize properly?
To learn how to apologize, you first need to read, for example, several psychological or religious articles about forgiveness. A deeper level is books. For example, “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping or “Reflection” by Irina Olkhovskaya. Sometimes works of fiction also help - V. Rasputin “Live and Remember”, T. Mann “Joseph and His Brothers”, “Disgrace” by John Coetzee. Leo Tolstoy also wrote a lot about forgiveness and repentance.
If you can’t learn how to sincerely apologize on your own, you should turn to a psychologist or priest. Sometimes two or three meetings are enough to awaken repentance and open your soul to forgiveness. All kinds of trainings and self-development courses also help a lot.
In addition to internal repentance, you need to correctly verbally express this feeling: admit guilt without trying to justify (neither rain, nor politicians, nor times justify a mistake): “I am guilty before you for such and such an act. Sorry." Don't promise that you won't do it again. Such complaints can aggravate the situation if the mistake is repeated. There is also a “in front of everyone” rule. If the offense was inflicted in the presence of other people, then it is advisable to ask for forgiveness from the person in the same company.
Sometimes you need to be there silently while a person is offended, and then, when you feel that he is ready for dialogue, ask how he would like you to behave. In minor grievances, a sense of humor and bribery - a service or gift that will help a person soften up - save the situation.
Regardless of whether you have been forgiven or not, you must definitely thank the person for finding the strength and time to listen to his offender. But even if you are not given the opportunity to open your mouth, accept it.
Admitting a mistake
Understood. Was wrong. He lost his temper. But now I consider my proposal an ugly mistake, I repent, I ask for an opportunity to make amends, to atone. download video
In adult life, such behavior can hardly be called effective. When you remain silent, do not admit, or deny your mistake, a number of difficulties arise:
Responsibility for an error is shifted to circumstances or other people. And since the responsibility is not yours, then others must solve the current situation. This behavior leads to the formation of the Victim position.
Today at lunch my colleagues made a bad joke on me. I was offended by them, upset, and as a result sent an invoice with a large amount to the wrong place! What do you want if I was in such a disassembled state?! Anyone would make a mistake here! It is clear that all responsibility lies with those very colleagues who do not know how to behave decently!
- Relationships with others deteriorate.
When you yourself do not admit your mistake, the people around you begin to honestly point it out to you. If you persist, misunderstanding and conflict will arise. If at the same time you shift the responsibility for the mistake onto others, the attitude of decent people towards you will completely deteriorate.
- Errors are not corrected, no conclusions are drawn for the future.
be patient
The words have been spoken and now give the other party time to think and calm down, that is, do not expect an immediate positive reaction.
Remember that an apology is not always the end of a disagreement, but it can help ease the conflict so that you and the other party can take another step toward reconciliation.
In addition, there is a possibility that the offended party may want to hear not only words, but also receive some other compensation for damage, the amount of which depends on the circumstances that led to the quarrel.
Author: Sergey Tumanov
Analyze your behavior
Yes, self-analysis is somewhat useful. You can make a list of your bad behavior and try to figure out why you act the way you do. A sample list of questions would look like this: “Why can’t I admit my mistake?”, “What did winning this argument bring me?”, “Why am I acting selfishly?”, “What impact do my actions have on people close to me?”
The answers to these questions will bring you closer to unraveling the true nature of your behavior. In addition, you will be able to reconsider your attitude towards the people around you and yourself.
Find a therapist
When you realize that for some reason it is not possible for you to learn to admit your mistakes alone, find a competent specialist. Therapy can be a powerful boost to personal growth. A specialist will analyze the possible causes of your problem and go through with you all the steps to eliminate it.
There is no shame in seeing a therapist. Recognizing the problem and realizing that you need qualified help is the first step towards change.
Reaction to errors
Everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately, this cannot be avoided. Some mistakes are small, for example: “No, you don’t need to go to the store, there’s plenty of milk left for breakfast.” And more serious mistakes, for example: “Don’t rush me, we have enough time to get to the airport and catch our flight.” Nobody likes to make mistakes. This is an unpleasant emotional experience. The question is, how do we react when it turns out we were wrong?
Some of us honestly admit that we were wrong and say, “You were right. We should have left the house earlier." Some people subconsciously understand that they are wrong, but come up with excuses for themselves: “We would have managed to get to the airport on time if it weren’t for the traffic jams.” But some people find it difficult to admit that they may be wrong, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are wrong.
Why is it bad to believe that you are always right?
Psychologist Adam Grant believes that being fixated on being right and not being able to listen to counter arguments leads to failure. Sometimes catastrophic. Like, for example, Hillary Clinton's defeat in the 2016 presidential race. Hillary considered herself the clear favorite, and her political strategists did not even consider Trump as a serious rival. The more painful it was for them to face reality.
If your goal is to find out the truth, then the ability to admit when you are wrong is necessary. Philosophers call the willingness to hear and accept another opinion epistemic humility. Inevitability, contingency, and epistemic humility.
Why do people sometimes not want to admit their mistakes? Because they don’t want to appear weak in the eyes of others and therefore it is much easier for them to blame them for their troubles rather than themselves? And why do some people still admit their mistakes? Does this indicate their weakness or, conversely, their inner strength?
It is impossible to imagine a hero more stubborn and convinced of the correctness of his views than Evgeny Bazarov from the work of I.S. Turgenev "Fathers and Sons". He accepted only a scientific, practical approach to life, called love “nonsense”, “unforgivable foolishness”, and put it on a par with rot. And the hero tried to resist his feelings when he fell in love with Odintsova. He called her body suitable for “anatomical theatre,” and called her “a woman with a brain.” Even after Eugene is disappointed in his ideas, he is afraid to admit his mistakes. He does not say that nihilism has lost its former value for him. But would the old Bazarov have taken his life so frivolously and allowed himself to become infected with typhus? I think no. Unconsciously, he chose to die rather than recognize his “gods” as false and try to change his ideals.
Only before his death does Bazarov admit the fallacy of some nihilistic attitudes. During his last date with Anna Sergeevna, he admits: “Well, what can I tell you... I loved you!” And this is said by someone who previously recognized only carnal attraction between a man and a woman! And in a conversation with Arkady, until recently, Evgeniy, who endlessly believes in the power of the human mind, talks about the insignificance of human existence: “... the part of the time that I manage to live is so insignificant before eternity, where I was not and will not be...”
We understand that Evgeniy has now realized his mistakes. And yet, the hero does not admit this directly. Maybe because his confession won’t change anything? Maybe his pride is getting in the way? Can we call such a character strong? The one who experienced the collapse of his ideals, who understood the beauty of life only on the verge of death? I think so, because he admits to the mistakes he has made. At least to yourself. And this is worth a lot.
Another character who has gone through the path of realizing his mistakes can be called Rodion Raskolnikov from the work “Crime and Punishment” by F.M. Dostoevsky. Following his theory of “extraordinary” people who move history, who can even get away with murder, he counted himself among them. Subsequently, the hero admits that he had no right to do this, that he is a “trembling creature.” But why then do we see that Raskolnikov was still separated from the world by some kind of wall? The fact is that Rodion has so far considered his actions only from the perspective of his theory. According to her, he was a “trembling creature”; he was disgusted with himself because he “could not bear” moral torment. But, having seen a dream in hard labor, Raskolnikov seemed to see the light: he realized the fallacy of his theory, that in life not everything can obey the concept of “creatures” and “extraordinary” people, because otherwise the whole world will turn into chaos. Only after this is he ready to be punished for the crime he committed, to atone for his sins.
So, how a person perceives this world is very important. Both Bazarov and Raskolnikov admit their mistakes, but at the same time consider such admissions to be a sign of weakness. The weakness of the losing side. In my opinion, everything is exactly the opposite: admitting a mistake does not make a person weak; on the contrary, he appears to us thinking, reflecting, analyzing. Capable of change. This is the most important thing: having realized your mistake, understand what exactly it was, and find its true cause. And change for the better. This is real strength.
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Site user Anastasia Koshkina
A blow to self-esteem
The answer is related to a person’s ego, his sense of self. Some people have fragile self-esteem, so they are unable to admit when they are wrong. Accepting the fact that they were wrong would be destructive for them, so they turn on defense mechanisms that distort their perception of reality.
Defense mechanisms protect a person's fragile ego by changing the facts in his mind. As a result, he comes to the following conclusion: “I checked in the morning and there was enough milk, apparently someone drank it.” When it is pointed out to a person that after he left no one was home and, accordingly, no one could finish the milk, he repeats: “Someone must have been at home, because I checked and there was milk in the refrigerator.”
Stubborn people will continue to defend their point of view and will be ready to object to anyone who tries to challenge their arguments. People who repeatedly exhibit this behavior are, by definition, psychologically fragile.
Focus on the causes of errors
Instead of creating a range of negative emotions in yourself, think about what might have caused your mistakes. Perhaps you were too tired, hungry, eager to please, or overly persistent. Focus on the reasons for your mistakes, rather than self-deprecation, by telling yourself things like: “In the future, I will make decisions only after making sure I have the necessary information” or “In the future, I will not make decisions if I feel tired.”
Accept criticism
In many cases, criticism is a very useful motivator that will help you change for the better. Of course, you must understand that only constructive criticism is for your benefit. Be open to feedback and don't be so quick to get defensive if someone criticizes you or accuses you of something. Try to take control of your emotions and assess the situation objectively. To do this, you can ask the person to give a detailed explanation of his words - maybe you just have different views on the same things, and from the point of view of your interlocutor you really did wrong.
Start small
First, try to change your approach to solving small everyday problems - it will not be as difficult for you as in the case of any serious problem. Agree with your girlfriend that you were inattentive and did not buy everything she ordered from the store. Admit to your colleague that you really didn’t finish the report that the dog supposedly ate (but so what - maybe the excuse is still alive), and you were simply ashamed to talk about it. With small steps, you will soon get closer to your cherished goal - honesty with yourself and others.
How humility helps you be satisfied with life
Around the turn of the 5th century, St. Augustine instructed Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: First Series Volume I to his disciple: “First of all, humility. Secondly, humility. And thirdly, humility. I will repeat this every time you need my advice." About a thousand years before Augustine, the Buddha taught The Buddha on Attachment to Views and Disputations in the Dutthathaka Sutta: attachment to one's established views and opinions is a separate source of human suffering.
Modern science confirms the words of philosophers. Thus, psychologists have discovered Humility, stressful life events, and psychological well-being: Findings from the landmark spirituality and health survey that people who can listen to the advice of others, admit when they are wrong and reconsider their views are less anxious and less likely to suffer from depression. At the same time, they more often report that they are satisfied with life and are generally happy.
Avoid "but"
In continuation of the previous point, it is worth adding that if your desire is dictated not only by the need to ask for forgiveness, but also to receive it, then you should also avoid the conjunction “but”.
“But” seems designed to remove half the blame from you or shift it onto the shoulders of another person or circumstance. An apology like, “Sorry, I didn’t support you because the situation was really controversial” takes away the sincerity of your words and shifts the focus from the apology to the next sentence.
There are probably many good reasons why you did what you did, but wait a little, because that's not what's important right now.
