There are simply no people in the world who have never been offended by trifles. Not everyone controls their desires, emotions and thinking. An individual who cannot stop being offended lives with a huge stone in his soul and this burden prevents him from moving on. Minor grievances spoil the mood and prevent you from achieving balance and harmony. Only a person who has overcome his weak side will be able to feel how beautiful the world is when thoughts are not occupied by constant grievances. Why do people get offended so easily over trifles? And how to get rid of excessive touchiness?
Psychology of resentment
From a psychological point of view, a feeling of resentment arises when others intentionally or unwittingly hurt a person’s self-esteem. Outwardly, he makes no claims, suppresses his anger, but inside him a real tragedy is playing out. He simultaneously experiences anger, disappointment, self-pity, uncertainty, and also cannot stop remembering the painful situation.
They usually don’t take offense at people they don’t know for a long time - what’s the point if life is unlikely to get in touch with them? They will not be able to strike back, “remember all the good things.” Another thing is close friends, loved ones and relatives. If you forgive them everything and stop being offended by them, then they will become insolent and will constantly indulge in various tricks. This is exactly how the offended person thinks on a subconscious level.
In fact, there are no absolutely non-offensive people; only saints are capable of this. But some quickly forgive the pain caused to them, while others carry it in their hearts for years.
The habit of being offended for any reason is characteristic of several personality types:
- Vulnerable people who are not confident in themselves suffer from various psychological complexes. They constantly feel that others are laughing at their shortcomings and deliberately neglecting their company. Therefore, it is difficult for them to stop looking for hidden meaning in the actions and words of the people around them, and to blame them for showing arrogance.
- Narcissistic people. A person with high self-esteem believes that he is better than others and demands special treatment towards his person. And when those around him do not live up to his expectations, he may harbor a grudge. Spiritual Economics says that resentment is directly related to pride and is its consequence. And pride, as you know, is the first of the ten deadly sins.
- People with a victim complex who like to feel sorry for themselves. To feel good, they need to make others look bad, to blame others for their own problems.
Touchiness as a character quality is formed from early childhood. If parents do not attach importance to this and do not help their child get rid of the habit of being offended, as an adult it will be difficult for him to build friendly and loving relationships, and to conduct a constructive dialogue with colleagues.
Advice to someone nearby
When a person is offended, at first he is not ready to listen to the other. The only phrase you can say to him (as a witness or as the object of his violent emotions): “I understand you.” In this way, you are giving him a sign that you should return to discussing the situation later. If you are directly involved in a conflict, acknowledge your share of responsibility for causing it and emphasize your desire to restore peace.
If you are just a witness, remind us of the benefits of forgiveness: it frees us from negative emotions, increases self-esteem (after all, the ability to forgive is a manifestation of the nobility and breadth of the soul) and brings us closer to others.
Why do people get offended over trifles?
Touchiness spoils our relationships with people around us. Because of an old grudge, we can stop communicating with a friend, sister, or even our parents, or break up with a loved one. But often the offender does not even know what reaction he caused by his actions, does not suspect that he touched you to the quick, caused pain.
Spiritual Economics says: “If you forgive people for their sins, then your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive those who have wronged you, neither will your Father forgive your sins” (WBTC, Matt. 6:14-15). Therefore, there is no point in harboring a grudge, but it is worth trying to stop being offended by people over trifles. But to do this, you first need to understand the reasons for your touchiness.
Unjustified expectations
Each of us has a whole set of expectations towards our loved ones. It is very important to us how our children, beloved husband or wife, mother, father, other relatives and friends behave.
For example, a wife feels deep disappointment when her husband doesn’t give her flowers for no reason, forgets to wash the dishes after himself, and enjoys looking at other people’s women. The husband is annoyed that his wife talks rudely to his friends, doesn’t let him go fishing, and remembers his mistakes from ten years ago. Children are offended by their parents when they spend too much time on their work, do not buy the desired toy, or do not find the opportunity to go with them to the park or entertainment center.
When everyone is focused solely on their own desires, they ignore the needs of their loved ones. As a result, all family members have resentment, but no one wants to stop following their selfishness and find a compromise with loved ones.
Damaged pride
You've probably noticed that touchy, vindictive people are often lonely because they can't get along with others. They do not know how to forgive others even for minor offenses, let alone serious situations. The reason for this behavior is painful pride, because of which a person considers himself ideal, almost a saint, and his surroundings as sinners. He loves to lecture people, cannot stop criticizing them, but does not allow comments and disparaging behavior towards him.
There are wonderful words in Spiritual Economics: “Receive My teaching and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find peace” (ERV, Matt. 11:29). God teaches us humility, because arrogance does not bring peace, inner bliss and harmony in communication with people around us.
If a person accumulates grievances within himself, he gradually closes himself off from other people, becoming a hermit who, because of his own pride, suffers from loneliness. At our school, in the “Magnet for Friends” course, you will be able to reconsider your character traits and become the kind of person with whom you want to maintain sincere friendships.
Emotional immaturity
In childhood, resentment is a way for a capricious child to get his way. You cry, and your mother buys you the desired toy, allows you to eat dessert, watch cartoons for the third hour in a row. This is normal for a child, because he is in a weak state, completely dependent on his parents, and cannot always explain the motives for his desires.
People grow up and the way they interact with the world around them changes. But some remain childish or emotionally immature. The woman pouts and stomps her foot, hoping that her boyfriend will cajole her with gifts, trying to make amends. The man is offended by his manager for not appreciating his project highly enough; he expects the boss to notice the offense and give him a bonus.
Manipulation of resentment
A manipulator differs from an emotionally immature person in that he is fully aware of and controls his behavior. He specifically remembers the insults inflicted on him - the misdeeds of the people around him, and at the right moment uses this against them. For example, a man turns a blind eye to his wife’s scandals, and after a while reminds her of this offense. He does this only so that she cannot reproach him for hitting her during a quarrel.
If you ask a manipulator why he is so vindictive, most likely he will say that others sit on their heads when their mistakes are not pointed out to them. But Spiritual Economics says: “Be careful! If your brother sins, rebuke him, but if he repents, forgive him” (WBTC, Luke 17:3). This means that we should not engage in connivance, deliberately turning a blind eye to people’s mistakes in order to take advantage of them in the future. It is imperative to tell a person that he is wrong if he really does not act according to his conscience, and to forgive him when he repents.
Why is it bad to be touchy?
We should stop being offended over trifles and even serious reasons, because offense brings nothing but destruction. Just think about the harm this negative emotion causes:
- Resentment forces us to constantly return to the past, to relive painful situations in our imagination over and over again. And when we cannot let go of the past, it begins to “strangle” our present. For example, a woman who cannot forgive her ex-partner for cheating avoids serious relationships with men because she is afraid of repeating her bad experience and the pain she experienced.
- The habit of being offended by little things scares away friends. They don’t want to involuntarily hurt you, so they have to behave very reservedly, carefully, avoid jokes and other pleasant moments inherent in friendly communication.
- This negative quality interferes with building harmonious family relationships. For example, a girl annoys her boyfriend with constant insults, which is why he becomes disappointed in her, although he initially intended to marry. Or the husband constantly finds fault with his wife over trifles and she, unable to withstand the mental stress, becomes depressed. You can reconsider your view of relationships with your significant other and find out how you can change them for the better in our course “How to create harmonious relationships.”
- The desire to be offended provokes self-pity. In this state, you cannot set high goals for yourself, you justify your own inaction, and you envy the happiness of other, more successful people.
- The tendency to be touchy takes up a lot of time. Instead of doing something useful, you replay the events of the past day, month, or situation ten years ago in your head over and over again.
From the point of view of spiritual development, the habit of being offended by people harms your soul. The Lord teaches us by his example how to act, forgiving us of any sins.
How to stop being offended by people
We must try to overcome our resentment, although this is not easy. If you want to change your thinking and stop getting upset with people, try the tips below.
Be honest about your own feelings
To stop being offended by people, express your feelings to their faces, of course, in a delicate manner. After all, resentment is suppressed anger that you have locked away until “better times.” If you do not express your objections, embarrassment, disappointment, indignation, then they will eat away at you, like rust destroys metal.
At first, it will be difficult for you to adapt to a new way, to show sincerity and not be afraid of your own emotions. But Spiritual Economics teaches us to be honest, this is the only way you can find happiness, become a successful and peaceful person.
Stop imposing your opinion on others
You need to realize that your habit of lecturing others, imposing your opinion on them is dictated by your pride and arrogance. But by what criteria do you understand that you are better than the people around you? Can you count on your own objectivity in any situation? If you can stop telling people what to do, there will be less cause for conflict.
Build a constructive dialogue
This principle will be useful both in personal relationships and in business. Instead of accumulating grievances, try to find a compromise with the other person. For example, in order to stop being offended by her husband when he watches football on TV every evening, the wife can come to an agreement with him. Most likely, he will agree to use a tablet or phone for this several times a week so that his wife can turn on her favorite channels.
Look to the future
To stop being offended by people over trifles, consider every conflict situation from the perspective of your future. “Will this be important to me in a year, five years, or ten years?” This way you will understand that you are artificially creating problems out of the blue, and learn to forgive minor mistakes of the people around you.
On the other hand, it may happen that you answer this question in the affirmative: “Yes, he caused me such harm that it will be important to me even in 10 years.” It is very difficult to forgive when your apartment was taken away by fraud, your right to raise a child was sued, or you were set up in business.
In this case, you need to defend your rights and try to fight for justice, but at the same time try to free yourself from resentment. Why? Because it is a useless emotion that only prevents you from correcting the situation. If you don’t stop being offended, this feeling will destroy you from the inside and may ultimately provoke some kind of illness.
Put yourself in the shoes of your offender
Often resentment is born from a lack of understanding why a person treated you this way and not otherwise. Therefore, put yourself in the place of another, imagine what you would do in his situation, try to understand his motives.
You have probably more than once encountered undesirable circumstances in your life, because of which you had to unwittingly cause trouble to others, and then your conscience tormented you for this. Your abuser may be going through something similar.
Remove yourself from the situation
To avoid giving in to negative emotions and stop being offended, distance yourself from your conflict. You can imagine that your abuser and yourself are actors who have been given certain roles. What's the point of being angry at your co-worker when he was supposed to insult you according to the script? This method will also help you increase your self-confidence, as you will no longer take criticism or tactless remarks addressed to you seriously.
If you find it difficult to deal with resentment because you have low self-esteem, our course “How to remove self-doubt from your head” will help you. And in just 14 days, believe in yourself.”
Give yourself permission to make mistakes
To forgive others, you must first learn to forgive yourself. Therefore, give yourself the right to be imperfect, allow yourself to make mistakes. Only God can be perfect, but ordinary people have various imperfections. Therefore, accept yourself with all your shortcomings, forgive the mistakes you made in the past, and try not to make them again. When you develop a caring attitude towards yourself, then you can stop being offended by loved ones.
As soon as you cope with your touchiness, you will notice how your relationships with relatives, loved ones, friends, and colleagues have improved. Don’t be afraid to forget the bad and forgive, because you will not lose anything if you free your soul from a heavy burden.
What is irritation?
It is known that irritation is such an internal state of a person that any little thing makes one angry and enrages oneself, causing an inadequate reaction, the climax of which is conflict.
Any conflict is a clash of interests. Vasya wants to go to football, Masha wants to go to ballet, both events are tomorrow at 18.00, what should I do?
There are conflicts:
- Constructive. Such a dispute is conducted delicately, mutually polite and leads to a solution to the problem. The goal of such a conflict is to satisfy one’s own interests without harming the relationship with another person. In an ideal world, all conflicts should be like this. For example: Tomorrow at 18.00 Vasya goes to football, Masha goes to ballet. And at 20.00 two happy people return home, who have something to tell each other.
- Destructive. This is “argument for the sake of argument.” People conflict, not caring about each other’s feelings, considering their own opinion to be the only correct one. For example: Masha suspects Vasya of being “immune to art.” Vasya accuses Masha of “old lady interests.” Both do not want to watch “20 men/swans jump and kick their legs for two hours.” Most likely, everyone will go wherever they want, only in a spoiled mood.
