Expecting anything from other people very often leads to disappointment. Don't let your happiness depend on someone else, because everything is in your hands.
Expecting too much from other people instead of making yourself happy will have the opposite effect. You should never become dependent on third parties, because no one knows what will happen tomorrow, everything can change, people will become completely different. They can hurt us. And, unfortunately, no one is immune from this. But we live surrounded by expectations, often unrealistic. And only when one disappointment follows another do we begin to realize that perhaps it is time to change our attitude towards other people. You need to stop expecting too much from them - this is a good solution to the problem.
Mismatch between expectations and reality leads to disappointment
Waiting for something that will never happen (or even if there is such a possibility, but it is very small) is the wrong action: it will invariably cause us to suffer from disappointment.
Don't expect too much... Just because you have no control over it: people act in accordance with their own interests. They can change their point of view at any time.
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But do you know who you can definitely rely on? On ourselves, and nothing more!
Based on the above, we bring to your attention 4 ways that can help you change your attitude towards others. And make this “transition” as smooth as possible. So that you stop expecting too much from other people without experiencing excruciating suffering. Believe me, this will free you and allow you to throw off the burden of unrealistic expectations that you were careless to trust. It's time to stop waiting and finally start living.
How to stop waiting for something all your life and finally start living? Talking to a Psychologist
“It seems to me that I’ve been waiting for something all my life, and not really living. Here are examples from life: my husband has a traveling job, he is not home for several months. And for me, the holiday is usually not even the fact that he returns home, but a week-long ritual of preparation for this event. I have been wanting to go on vacation for a long time; I have a dream to visit Thailand. And we keep saving and saving for this trip, but we can’t save up. It seems that it would be possible to fly with the amount that we have, but I want more. And now we wait again.
At work they offered to lead another project. In the end, all I do is work. And now it seems that now I’ll earn some money and live... but so far there’s only constant fatigue, and there’s not even satisfaction from the amount of work I love. And so in my life with many things - with plans, purchases, meetings. I’m probably doing something wrong, but how can I get out of this “shell”....”
You need to stop this race and think: “where am I running”
Liliya Rubtsova , chief freelance psychologist of Bobruisk and Bobruisk region, comments on the situation
Liliya Rubtsova
– Each of us wants to live an interesting life. But everyone has their own concept of an “interesting life”. It depends on what is important and valuable to you in a given period, what you want to achieve. Often we feel that life is passing us by when we do not enjoy the momentary moments, do not celebrate our today's successes, and do not give thanks for what we already have.
What needs to happen for you to decide to change something in your life? There must be time. Or rather, you yourself must create this time in your life to stop and think about where I’m running, why I need this, and whether it’s leading me to my goals.
The problem, like many things, comes from childhood.
You yourself call your life a “shell”, and this is an accurate description. “The Sink” is truly addictive, sometimes forever. With meetings and plans for “later” postponed, life itself is postponed. And it’s not about travel or shopping, it’s about your doubts about the correctness of your actions. These doubts may have begun to form in your childhood (the most common reason for such behavior). Their reason is a deep conviction within yourself that you “don’t deserve to get the best.” In fact, it is self-doubt, and you need to work on yourself to begin to accept yourself, with all your shortcomings.
Troubles walk hand in hand
You can turn off this “ancient program” only by serious work on yourself. A person lives his life “for others” or “in debt” when he is not aware of his needs and does not know how to satisfy them. This person puts the interests of family, relatives, children or work first, intuitively expecting that at some point they will take care of him as well. Alas! There is no point in waiting if you yourself do not know what exactly you need. And as a result - disappointment with life. But all of life is a big mirror, and everything is reflected in it - both people’s attitude towards themselves, and their attitude towards others and towards the world as a whole.
People receive in this life only what they reflect. And if a person does not accept and love himself, then the world around him (the mirror) answers him in the same way.
Not accepting yourself prevents you from building effective communication with others and being happy. Troubles walk hand in hand as a group. In a bad mood, people seem to attract conflicts and problems.
Changing the situation is difficult, but possible
This is why I insist that you need to start with yourself! If it so happens that your upbringing and all your life experiences have made you a person who does not love yourself, changing this will not be easy or quick. But absolutely every person is able to walk this path, increase self-esteem and self-esteem, begin to take care of themselves and make their life fulfilling and joyful.
Start changing with the way you think, the way you respond to circumstances and the actions of other people.
Illustrative photo pixabay.com
Try to become confident in at least something. When you say: “I probably want ...,” then stop and figure out if you really want this if you say the word “probably”? An adult himself, without outside help, decides what, when and how to do, makes decisions and is responsible for them.
Get rid of such phrases: “it happened,” “it just happened,” “what can I do?” Remember: you and only you decide what to do!
There are no mistakes, only experience
For self-love to arise, you need to take responsibility and understand that no matter where you find yourself now, this is the result of your decisions, which means that you can change everything. Understand that there are no mistakes. Even when you (in your opinion) made a “wrong” decision, you proceeded from the idea of maximizing benefit with the amount of information that was available at the time. Now, based on this experience and knowing more, you can make a better decision for yourself.
The best moment is now
Don't look for the past, don't look for the future; the past has disappeared, the future has not yet arrived. But watch here this thing called “now.” Buddha
People who live in the past are prone to depression because they understand that nothing can change. People who constantly think about the future are actually anxious, they are afraid of the future. Only psychologically prosperous, happy people can live today, enjoying the here and now.
Don't wait for the perfect moment! If you want to do something, start right now: open your calendar, choose the day and time when you take the first step! Good luck!
Hope can be dangerous
Hope inspires not only noble heroes, but also genocides and totalitarian regimes. Hitler hoped to destroy all Jews so that conditions would finally arise for the “superior” Aryan race to flourish. The communists who came to power in Russia hoped to sooner or later make a world revolution so that the whole world would accept the ideas of Marxism and live in equality and fraternity. The atrocities committed by capitalist societies were fueled by the hope that everything was done for the sake of economic freedom and wealth.
Manson quotes Nietzsche, who believed that people must look beyond hope, beyond values, to see beyond good and evil.
A person of the future must love his fate, whatever it may be - he called this love amor fati (“love for his fate” translated from Latin).
You need to learn to act without hope, accepting yourself as you are, in order to ultimately become a better person. Hope calms and lulls us like a drug, and so we create stories, values, myths and legends about ourselves and the world around us so as not to live in fear of the inevitability of death. But she will come anyway, no one can escape her. Having realized and accepted this without fear, people will not run to do evil at all - perhaps they will learn to respect each other and our planet.
1. The need for praise and approval: The root of the problem
Expecting grades from the outside is one of the manifestations of the “excellent student complex” that many of us earned back in school. For an excellent student obsessed with grades, it is not so much the acquisition of knowledge and pleasure from the process of learning something new that is important, but the grade itself, and it is this that becomes the goal. But the “excellent student complex” is not only a problem of perfectionism, but also of unstable self-esteem, self-doubt, and dependence on the opinions of others.
An acute need for praise often haunts those who did not receive enough parental attention in childhood and tried to earn it with good deeds, grades, and exemplary behavior at school. But is it easy for such obedient and “comfortable” children to move on through life?
Children grow up, and the behavior pattern of attracting the attention of adults by pleasing them continues to operate. Only adults now are not only parents, but also bosses, relatives, and friends. The stimulus for activity is the result, and the goal is to receive praise, impress others, earn attention and confirmation that “I am good.” Condemnation, criticism and disagreement with his opinion are unbearable for such a person, because he himself begins to consider himself “bad”, agreeing with external opinion.
An imposed sense of duty: what ideals are we trying to live up to?
Many women, having lived a difficult life with tyrant husbands, when asked: “Why did you endure this all your life?”, almost always give similar answers: “But it is my duty to raise children in a full-fledged family!” or “This is my cross - and I have to carry it all my life!” And they really believe that they “should” have tolerated unfair treatment...
The concept of “debt” is different for everyone and, undoubtedly, is dictated by family attitudes, cultural environment and acquired stereotypes. We are trying to justify expectations, to meet someone’s ideas and ideals, to “not let us down” and “not to betray”, to fulfill our “duties”... But who decided what our responsibilities are and what “we must”?
We are captured by these “duties” and “responsibilities” like prisoners in a dungeon and try our best to live up to other people’s ideals - even if they do not correspond to our personal interests, the pace and rhythm of life, in the end, desires or even abilities.
Try to write down all your “ shoulds ”. Here are just some examples of what many women take on themselves - “I should be ...”:
- an ideal mother;
- an exemplary wife;
- an exceptional hostess;
- an ideal specialist/employee/colleague;
- financially independent, earn money and provide for yourself;
- best of all, always and in everything;
- (your option).
When you write down your list of who you “should” be and how you “should” behave, you will be surprised how many of these attitudes there are. Now think: where did they come to you from? Who decided that you “should” and why do you need to be “ideal, exceptional, better than everyone else”?
Of course, I’m not calling for giving up your ideals and striving to become better - I’m only “for” each of us becoming the Woman of our dreams (I wrote about this here). I just urge you to remove the “debts” imposed by someone, clear yourself of excess burden, make your life easier and not try to be someone other than yourself.
In this sense, not trying to be perfect means:
- abandon the ideals imposed by someone,
- stop justifying someone’s ideas that “a woman should”
- finally turn your inner gaze to yourself,
- hear your desires and feelings,
- understand your true aspirations,
- follow your inner voice.
In my opinion, the only true duty is to yourself: to unlock your potential, develop your abilities and show your talents to the world.
Give yourself permission to spend
For many people, deferred life syndrome interferes with their finances: it allows them to save, but does not allow them to spend, and especially not to spend with pleasure. It even happens that a person has money in the bank, under his pillow, in a stash, and in a safe, but he still lives as if his salary is the size of the subsistence level.
I don't know what your financial situation is. But I know that money is needed not only for survival and insurance. They are needed for joy. To show love to yourself and others. To make the present beautiful. Give yourself gifts, spend money on comfort and pleasure.
One of my clients had a ridiculous incident. Her husband experienced hunger as a child, and these terrible memories did not give him the opportunity to relax even when he became a very wealthy man. There was a lot of money, but he could not spend it: he saved everywhere, counted every penny.
Of course, he didn’t skimp on his children’s education; he bought a luxury car (needed for work), but he didn’t want to spend money on ordinary life.
One fine day, my wife took a chance and bought... soft three-ply toilet paper for the house. The husband, of course, spared money for such nonsense. But then a miracle happened (what can you do, they can be found even in bathrooms): the husband realized how much he likes to make life enjoyable. He did not scold his wife, but told her that from now on she should only buy such paper. Maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s a small thing, but for him it’s a big step towards being able to spend on himself.
Live beautifully
If your closet is full of things for a “special occasion”, then this item is for you. The recipe has two steps - decluttering and decorating.
The decluttering phase consists of throwing out unnecessary things and may require the participation of a slightly stern person you trust. Deciding to throw away something that has been stored with care for a long time can be very difficult. Therefore, a strict friend, a thrifty mother, a stylist prone to depreciation (if we are talking about clothes, of course) are suitable characters from whom you can “borrow” firmness and determination.
The main principle of decluttering is simple: if you haven’t used an item for a year, we throw it away, give it to charity or sell it on Avito. And it is very important that you get rid of things or put up a sale sign on the same day! Otherwise, you will pack your bags, and then for another two years you will stumble over them, because there is “no time” to deal with them.
The decoration stage is to accustom yourself to an aesthetic and pleasant life every day. If you have a luxurious dinnerware set that is used once a year, that's it, it's time to get rid of the other dishes and use this one. Because now you appreciate every day of your life.
Get yourself a “ceremonial” home suit (or order one), start lighting candles or otherwise organize cozy magical lighting and finally buy yourself a comfortable pillow.
Make it a rule that everything I use every day should give me pleasure. It is logical to invest in something that is used often, and not once in a lifetime.
A special recommendation for ladies: if you have a special dress that has been waiting for a couple of years to be released, then... wear it at home. You won't lose anything even if you get dirty: the dress is not used in any case, the only way to give yourself joy is to walk around the house looking beautiful and feel special by accidentally looking in the mirror. By the way, makeup can also bring a lot of pleasure, even if you are not going out anywhere. This is all for yourself.
How to replenish your internal resources
To restore your strength, you should look for an activity that will not explode your emotions, but fill them. Instead of fun parties and dancing in a club, it is better to prefer reading spiritual or psychological books. New information is perceived better when you are set to zero, when you are looking for your resource.
Photo by Andre Moura from Pexels
Places where a person can enjoy the beauty of nature, be in silence, and therefore hear oneself and one’s own desires help to replenish strength and energy. Art classes, for example, drawing, allow you not only to switch to a new type of activity, but also to throw out your emotions in a picture. This simultaneously brings joy and a feeling of fulfillment, something new, more life-giving and worthwhile.
Every person deserves to be happy and to be loved. Mistakes in relationships, failed marriages, these should be treated as experiences that should lead to more worthwhile and real connections.
Deception and betrayal
There are quite a lot of evil people in the modern world, but this does not mean that absolutely everyone can commit betrayal. Don't expect everyone to deceive you. Don't judge a person's true intentions. Give everyone a chance to prove themselves. Of course, you don’t need to completely exclude the possibility of betrayal, but you shouldn’t dwell on it either. If you are always distrustful, you will never be able to build trusting relationships with anyone. Friends will turn away from you, and you will no longer find new ones. It is also possible that you will become paranoid. Because of it, you will expect trickery from everywhere.
In conclusion, it is worth noting that the biggest disappointments arise from unmet expectations. Don't expect anything from others. Just enjoy your life, and if you are not satisfied with it, then focus on the most important things and act independently, setting goals for yourself and achieving them.
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Uplifting mood
In difficult times, it’s unlikely that anyone will try to cheer you up, so don’t expect positivity from those around you. Take on the task of raising your spirits. Give yourself permission to be funny, ridiculous or stupid:
- sing in the shower;
- when approaching the mirror, make a funny grimace;
- when you come home, dance with your dog or cat;
- Have sword fights using dinner spoons.
No one can save you from the blues, and no one is obligated to do so. You can easily handle it yourself. Don't focus only on problems. Remember that in life the bad always gives way to the good. You just need to wait and overcome all the difficulties of fate.
Offers of help
If you find yourself in a difficult life situation, do not think that those around you will rush to help you. Some people are so caught up in their own worries that they don't care what happens to you. However, there are also people who are ready to lend a helping hand, but only when you ask for it yourself.
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When faced with problems, try to solve them yourself first. If you need help, contact a specific person and ask him to do something for you. Do not be silent. By asking for help, you will rid your life of false hopes and save time.
Don't expect people to respect you if you don't respect yourself.
Strength lies in the fortitude of the spirit, not the strength of the muscles. Strength lies in the presence of principles and self-confidence, the willingness to demonstrate and defend them. Understand that others will not show you love, respect and attention until you begin to value yourself.
It is important to be kind to others, but it is equally important to be kind to yourself.
When you love and respect yourself, you give yourself the opportunity to be happy.
And when you are happy, you become a better person: a better friend, a better husband or wife, a better son or daughter, a better version of yourself.
What is a deferred life scenario?
The concept of “delayed life scenario” was introduced by “Socio-psychological reasons for the migration of the population of the North-East of Russia”, V.P. Serkin, Doctor of Psychological Sciences and Professor Vladimir Serkin. Initially - to describe the peculiarities of thinking of the majority of people living in the Russian Far East.
The fact is that the phenomenon of the “northern scenario” has spread in this region and even began to be perceived as something completely natural. People created comfortable conditions and prepared for the life that would come later, when they fulfilled the “northern dream” - they moved to an area with a mild climate, bought an apartment, a dacha or a car, and so on.
The professor says that a similar phenomenon was previously described by Rudyard Kipling. Serkin called this a “colonial scenario,” and here everything is exactly the same as in the case of the northerners. Many Englishmen, during their decades in India, believed that “real” life would only begin when they returned to England. That is, the whole 20-30 years were, as it were, “unreal”, anticipating.
These are just a couple of options, because the “delayed life scenario” is a broader concept. And this phenomenon is not limited to any specific territory or a particular period of history.
According to the “delayed life scenario,” a person spends a long period of time—up to decades—preparing for some significant event or waiting for a goal to be achieved, after which, as he is sure, a “real” and happy life should begin.
That is, he simply exists in anticipation. “I’ll get married and immediately become happy” or “I’ll buy my own apartment and how I’ll live!” - a person designates for himself the moment until which he will not live to his full potential, but then...
And then, when an apartment appears, he will understand that it is too early to relax: after all, he needs to make repairs and pay off the mortgage! So “real” life and happiness will have to wait again. And perhaps they never will.
Getting something in return
Do you often provide help to others, and then wait for them to give you something in return or do something useful and good for you? You make a mistake because you are guided by your own expectations. Most correct:
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- derive happiness from the desire to help or share something;
- accept people as they are.
Also, do not forget that not all people pay kindly for good. Some are capable of betraying.
