How not to be annoyed with your husband?
You have an iron confidence that your husband is a constant irritant, and you are an innocent victim. It is possible that you consider yourself a person with weak nerves who is unable to control his emotions. The psychologist's advice in this article will help you take a more objective look at your situation, understand the possible cause, draw conclusions and change the situation.
We are all people, with our own habits, preferences, expectations, and naturally, no one can get into our heads and scan our thoughts and feelings towards anything or anyone.
And we, for our part, cannot get into someone else’s head and know for sure what is happening there, what is being thought, what is being felt?
And you know, that's good...
There is no magic word or phrase or action that will make another person behave the way we want and stop getting on our nerves. Well, the world is unfair, but I'm sure you already know that.
Let's analyze your situation a little, and the result of the analysis should show that you cannot change your husband's behavior to one that would suit you.
Surely, you have already done a lot to ensure that he does not irritate you and behaves in a certain way, as it would suit you.
What you could do:
- tell him what doesn't suit you. It’s just no use, he doesn’t hear you or doesn’t want to hear you.
- you were silent and offended. You thought that he would understand or guess that his behavior did not suit you. Unfortunately, he is not a psychic.
- you cursed and presented. But it got worse and worse.
- got angry and did it out of spite. Again it didn’t help, he didn’t change at all, and only you got worse.
All these actions indicate that you are assessing the situation incorrectly. You think that if your husband changes somehow, then you will be satisfied and happy. This is the whole problem.
What to do when your husband is incredibly annoying?
“I can’t even look at him!”
I congratulate you, your degree of irritability has reached its extreme, and now the next step is anger and hatred.
Perhaps, somewhere in the depths of your soul, there is still a little hope that you can change everything, somewhere there is a memory of how happy you were with this person?
And if you have hope and a little love, then this means there is a chance that you can change the current situation in your family for the better.
So, let's go...
In the second part of the article, I have prepared a good exercise for you that can look a little deeper into the reasons for your irritation with your husband.
In the meantime, we will go through ways to relieve irritation, and you will receive several recommendations.
Falling in love, possessiveness and crazy jealousy
Hello! I have been dating a married man for 1.3 years, at first it was an easy relationship without obligations, then it grew into love, a sense of ownership and crazy jealousy on both sides.
This is in vain, of course. It was necessary to continue without obligations; there is already a wife for obligations, right? And you knew that falling in love would not lead to anything good. You just like love drama, so you created this situation for your own amusement.
Possessiveness and crazy jealousy are manifestations of a scarcity mentality. If you had 5 lovers besides this man, would you be jealous of him? If you weren't afraid of losing him, would you worry about your sense of ownership?
No.
It's all about the scarcity mentality.
You are driven by a scarcity mentality.
It is because of him that people hold on to their relationships with a stranglehold, not noticing what stupidity they are doing.
The reality is that if you want to increase the chances that your partner will not go anywhere, it is better, on the contrary, to let go of the illusion of control and give him the opportunity to do what he wants. Such people - who do not try to limit their partner in anything - are worth their weight in gold.
But to do this you need to have absolutely no fear and be 100% comfortable in your own skin, regardless of how your partner behaves. But most people don’t have this.
I should note that I don't mean to imply that only people who practice open relationships don't have a scarcity mentality. You don't have to sleep with multiple people to avoid possessiveness and jealousy. We just need to eliminate the scarcity mentality. More precisely, work it out.
Working through a scarcity mentality doesn't mean you'll immediately have 5 more men (although, who knows). But the desire to have the illusion of control will certainly be shaken.
How to deal with irritation with your husband?
Surely you have noticed that irritation appears out of nowhere when you simply look at your husband and say nothing. And already being in emotions, you begin communication. At the same time, you are tense as a string, your voice betrays your emotions, your attitude, and it is quite possible that quarrels arise out of the blue because of trifles.
- If, during any interaction with your man, you feel a storm of emotions rising inside - he infuriates you, makes you angry, does everything wrong, then the easiest way to calm down your emotions is breathing.
Start breathing slowly, inhaling and exhaling slowly, while trying to remove thoughts about what action your husband took that caused the explosion of emotions. After a few minutes, you will become a little calmer and will be able to discuss what is bothering you in a calm tone.
I suggest watching the video “How to calm yourself down”
- A similar way to deal with emotions is counting. Start counting slowly to yourself until you calm down.
Maybe you will have to count to 100 or 200. Each time you count less, your brain will understand that counting is calm. Don't think it's too simple; in fact, the simplest methods work the most effectively.
- Now, when you are unhappy with your husband, irritated, your brain is focused on the shortcomings, on those factors that cause the emotions of irritation.
Your perception is focused only on the bad, unfortunately, this happens completely unconsciously.
Your task is to start focusing your attention on good deeds. After all, there is something good in your husband, right?
You need to focus on good actions, good traits and habits. For these purposes, you can start a special notebook and write down 10 good deeds of your husband in it every day. In this case, your consciousness will redirect its attention from the minuses to the pluses.
- Accept your husband for who he is and stop changing him. Probably the most difficult point.
After all, it seems that if a person does something wrong or acts wrong, then he should listen to outside advice? He should listen and act as he is advised, because it’s better for him?
Nothing like this. No one owes nothing to nobody.
Put yourself in his place, with his upbringing, habits, character traits, and then you will understand that everything he does is normal for him. And until he himself understands the ineffectiveness of something, he will not change anything. Therefore, you need to remove your “must and must” and understand why and why he is like this?
Women are designed in such a way that they want to improve everything, while men are content with what they have. Men and women think differently and perceive events from different points of view. And if you and your man are a couple, this does not mean that you should be the same and identical.
- A sense of humor helps relieve stress and calm down. For example, your husband is sitting and eating, or whatever he is doing, or talking to you, and looking at him, you feel irritated.
Mentally place a trash can filled with garbage on his head. See how the trash can fits perfectly on his head. He turns his head and trash falls out of the bucket.
The buckets can be different, the trash too, your choice. If, in your opinion, your husband says some stupid things or banalities that irritate you greatly, then imagine him as a jester with bells on his head.
Practice a little right now.
First, feel the irritation inside yourself, and then imagine your husband with a bucket on his head or with bells that ring as soon as he says something.
You can add some details to his image to make you smile on your face. As soon as you start smiling, your irritation will automatically decrease or go away completely. And next time, as soon as you feel irritated, “dress up” your husband so that “inside” you feel funny 
How men react to women's insults
Usually the representatives of the stronger sex have one explanation: “Once again I made a mountain out of a molehill.” Guys don’t understand why a girl suddenly gets angry because her new hairstyle, for example, wasn’t noticed.
There is another reaction. Let's say what does an immature, infantile young man do? If a woman is offended by a man, he responds to her in kind. Then it is called the Cold War. However, if we are talking about two “infantas,” then such a war does not last long. Partners quickly forget what all the fuss was about and live as before.
It happens that the husband rushes with lightning speed to make amends as soon as he sees that his dear wife has “pouted her lips.” Even if she is offended by a guy because of a trifle, it is easier for him to do as his beloved wants. Just not to hear her whining and hysterics.
What should I do now with this irritation with my husband?
Exercise
You need to translate the unconscious into the conscious, so to speak, to bring into the white light all your attitudes, programs and beliefs about your family life.
Take a piece of paper and write down all your ideas about an ideal family life - what should a family be like, and what kind of relationship should it have between spouses?
On this piece of paper, for now you write only about your family, about your relationships.
For example, a family is friendly, in relationships: trust, mutual understanding, support, attention to each other, etc.
The next point, write your thoughts about what kind of wife should be?
- How does she run the house?
- How does he feel about himself?
- How does she feel about her husband?
Just write, whatever comes from your head, you don’t need to compare yourself and think, I don’t have this or I’m a bad housewife. Now is not the time to blame yourself and reproach yourself, just write down everything that is sitting in your head.
And the last point, what should a husband be like?
- What does he do around the house, what does he help with?
- How much money does he earn?
- How does he treat his wife, how does his love and care manifest itself?
Again, we don’t compare or blame, we just write our ideal version.
When you write, put your papers aside for a while, maybe a day, maybe two.
And after a short break, you will need to complete the next step.
Take each of the sheets of paper and think about how real these ideas of yours are?
Now that you know your husband well, you know what family everyday life consists of, and you know yourself much better than you did some time ago, based on this current knowledge, go through your old expectations.
Turn on your brains and think sensibly about what is written and expected, maybe in our relationship?
I am sure that 70 percent of your expectations and illusions about family life will never spoil your life again.
Watch the video “What to do if your husband is annoying and annoying?”
Causes of irritability and how to deal with them
Having received a little respite and thought about the current situation, you can either end this relationship and destroy the family, or make an effort and eliminate the cause of your own irritability.
Family psychologists suggested considering the following technique to help a woman regain peace of mind:
The husband begins to annoy his wife if they are constantly together. Most often, this problem is faced by married couples who work in the same team or have a joint business. Being nearby around the clock makes a woman feel hopeless and tired of the monotony of her own life. How to solve the problem: try to devote more time to your own interests that do not intersect with your spouse’s hobbies. A good solution would also be to look for a new hobby that can bring new bright emotions into your life.- Most often, irritability in women manifests itself during pregnancy. Due to hormonal changes in the body, mood swings and taste changes, a woman is in a state of stress and begins to doubt herself and her ability to be a good mother. During pregnancy, the usual behavior of the spouse can undermine her already unstable emotional state and lead to outbursts of anger. How to solve the problem: it is not the husband’s fault for the woman’s condition while expecting a baby, so you should not take it out on him with or without reason. And the husband is advised to be patient and surround his beloved with care and affection.
- The husband's lack of initiative can upset the balance in the couple's relationship. If earlier his wife was calm about his desire to spend the evening on the couch in front of the TV, attributing it to fatigue and problems at work, then over time, irritability will only accumulate and quarrels will only intensify. How to solve the problem: the husband must understand that relationships and family are the daily work of both spouses. If he wants to enjoy the comfort and coziness of his home, he must, like his beloved, invest his energy in the development of the family. Talk to your husband, explain what exactly does not suit you, remind him that the responsibility for the preservation of the marriage lies with both of you.
- The husband cannot cope with the functions of a parent. Often a wife is dissatisfied with her husband if he pays little attention to the children and takes minimal participation in their upbringing. Unfortunately, this situation occurs quite often. The man makes excuses with fatigue, difficulties at work, lack of free time, completely forgetting that his wife also works and gets tired. When the wife is responsible for taking care of the house, solving work issues, and raising children, it is not surprising that her husband begins to irritate her. How to solve the problem: Explain to your husband that his withdrawal from caring for the children will lead to problems within the family. Children who do not receive their father's attention will not see him as a role model, and the parent's authority will be questioned. The husband must understand that by distancing himself from the children, he opposes himself to the entire family as a whole, hence the irritability on the part of his wife.
- Sexual dissatisfaction. It is believed that men are very addicted to sex. But women also need to receive regular satisfaction from intimacy. If a husband stops paying his wife due attention in bed, then the wife’s initial dissatisfaction will eventually develop into resentment and anger. How to solve the problem: tell your husband that you need more attention from him, that your sex life does not bring you the expected joy. Intimacy can be diversified and then the relationship between spouses will noticeably improve.
If desired, you can expand the list of reasons that increase a woman’s irritability, but then it is necessary to study the relationship in a particular couple separately and with the help of psychologists. But first, you can write down on a piece of paper all the factors that cause your dissatisfaction and try to find ways to eliminate them yourself.
What to do if irritation turns into hatred?
After I recorded the video, some subscribers wrote to me in the comments:
“Natalia, unfortunately, I have been looking for an approach to my husband for 13 years, his good character traits have disappeared without a trace. We have been divorced several times, but we live for the sake of the child, although I know that this is wrong. Please tell me what to do?”
«What is this all for? Perform artificial respiration on a corpse? »
“I gave birth 5 months ago, I still don’t want sex, we’ve been living together for 16 years, my eldest son is 15, he pisses me off ahhhhh my husband, in everything, he beat me, broke my leg, I forgave him, I can’t stand him.”
In such cases, I can only say one thing - leave!
But today I won’t write about hatred and how to free myself from it, this is a big topic, and a separate article is needed.
I finish here, and I hope that I was able to answer your request - how not to be annoyed by your husband with the advice of a psychologist?
I offer you several articles on the topic of problems in family relationships:
If your husband doesn't talk after a quarrel
8 reasons why your husband is always unhappy
7 reasons why a husband doesn't respect his wife?
Why doesn't my husband say he loves me?
10 tips on how to stop swearing over small things?
Be loved and happy!
Sincerely, family psychologist Natalia Gnezdilova
My courses and trainings
Sign up for a consultation
The author of the article is Natalia Gnezdilova , family psychologist with 15 years of experience. I help women 35+ regain love, respect and trust in relationships with men. I consult online in any of the messengers - Skype, WhatsApp, Viber. Subscribe: my Instagram YouTube channel VK page
What is resentment
From a psychological point of view, resentment is a person’s emotional reaction to the action of another person. Moreover, this reaction is negative and subjective. So, someone does not react to the same event at all, but someone feels like a “wave has rolled in.” It can be controlled: accepted with all the ensuing consequences or ignored.
Touchiness is an acquired character trait. It is completely absent in children. Although many will argue, telling how funny their baby “pouts”. But this is just an imitation of adults. At first. Subsequently, the child quickly learns to manipulate others, causing the offender to feel guilty and getting what he wants.
Resentment is revenge on oneself.
Often the roots of excessive touchiness lie in childhood. Parents do not explain to the child the essence of the phenomenon, the correct reaction, and possible consequences. They feel sorry for the offended child and indulge his whims. Children without experience in overcoming negativity grow up to be immature individuals. They do not take responsibility and are dependent on the opinions of other people. The slightest discomfort in life entails bitterness and anger.
Resentment is an abstract phenomenon. It doesn't exist on its own. It cannot be touched or measured. Its birth is spontaneous: manifested in changes in appearance (pallor, rounded eyes), physiological indicators (pulse, blood pressure). Next, the choice is up to the offended: to succumb to emotions, harboring hatred, or to overcome stress without consequences for the relationship.
In the first case, the resentment takes on the characteristics of the person in whom it has settled. She runs his life, makes decisions, and hatches plans for revenge. The victim is deprived of his will, mentally replaying the situation over and over again, experiencing aching pity for himself. The appearance changes: the calm face becomes gloomy, “eternally dissatisfied.” So the person himself becomes the embodiment of resentment.
Why do you like to manipulate?
Manipulation is another inner demon. Why do I call it that? Because this is not just human idiocy. This is human idiocy that most people will never give up.
After all, in reality, if you are a woman and have been sleeping with a man for a long time, and have even fallen in love with him, then most likely you are holding him by the balls. And you can just issue an ultimatum and get what you want.
So you are putting forward an ultimatum. Part of you may realize that this is manipulation - you are using fear to get your way. But will you give up your desire to manipulate?
It is difficult to refuse this, because you want to get what you want. And you know that by manipulating, you will achieve this. Your ego will not want to let go of the desire to manipulate other people.
But if you show the proper zeal and work through it to the fullest, you will also work through this.
But I need them.
That is, manipulations based not only on the desire to cause fear in a person, but also on lies.
I don't want him to get a divorce, I just need to be more important than her.
ChSV of the purest water.
