Emotional self-regulation: how to stop being angry

Anger is a strong, destructive emotion that is thought to be caused by extreme distress or pain. Anger is a normal human reaction that can range from mild irritation to real rage. This emotion destroys a person from the inside. This feeling is the result of expressing some kind of dissatisfaction: one’s expectations, desires or actions. The main problem lies in the fact that dissatisfaction tends to accumulate. And when dissatisfaction reaches large volumes, it turns into aggressiveness and breaks out with destructive force.

Anger is classified as a negative function, but it also performs a protective function. Anger is cheerfulness with a negative sign, since it is one of the few feelings that takes energy out of thin air and creates goals. All people experience anger, but sometimes they prefer not to notice it, suppressing it, and then relationships with loved ones turn into insipid ones, since it is difficult to show positive emotions due to hidden anger.

Anger reasons

The cause may be various diseases. Chronic anger has been linked to high blood pressure, skin conditions, headaches, and digestive problems. At the same time, this emotion is associated with some personal problems: crimes, deviant behavior, physical or emotional attacks, expression of aggression.

Many actions are committed out of anger, which people later regret. One of the reasons people suppress anger is fear of rejection. If a person is angry, then the likelihood that he will be rejected by those people towards whom the emotion is directed increases. And this fear of rejection very often appears stronger for a person than any other fear.

Create distance

What about when you just can't forgive someone? Does this mean that all your life you will remember the details of a quarrel or an ugly act and fan the fire of hatred inside? Not at all necessary.

The depth and strength of your emotional reaction to a particular person depends on how closely you accept everything. When you are angry, you constantly replay in your head the time when you were offended. This is a kind of mental chewing gum.

Try to distance yourself from this situation. When it comes to mind again, imagine that it happened to one of your friends, and not to you. As a result, you will be able to look at the current circumstances more abstractly. You will move away from disturbing details, which will help you calm down and defeat the conflict in your head.

Hidden anger

Stress or depression can be the cause of hidden anger. Anger, invading thoughts, can destroy relationships, as well as human behavior, creating physical problems. One of the reasons for suicide is considered to be hidden anger that a person does not know how to express. Negative situations are repeated and, accumulating, anger is directed at oneself. Therefore, one of the forms of channeling anger is suicidal behavior. Boredom, sadness, melancholy are symptoms of hidden anger, for example, instead of stopping an annoying opponent, people choose silent listening.

Don't confuse anger and hatred. They are not the same thing, although they have the same origins. Hatred, being an acute feeling of strong disgust, as well as hostility, expresses an aggressive and negative attitude towards something or someone.

reasons for anger Why do anger and its causes concern many people? Firstly, today those interested in psychology know the extent to which repressed anger is dangerous. Secondly, they understand that by realizing the reasons for anger, one can weaken a strong energetic feeling. Anger has different faces depending on the strength of its manifestation: mild irritation, irritation, dissatisfaction, annoyance, anger, indignation, rage, rage. There is a lot of anger in aggression. The difference is that anger is an emotion, and aggression is an action. Anger is a strong emotion, assessed in society as negative and dangerous. You can hear a question with an intonation of reproach: “Why be angry?”, as if a person has a choice of emotions. At the level of the body, feelings arise involuntarily; their birth cannot be controlled. Anger has a right to exist, like any other human emotion.

Anger is a natural human emotion; taken alone, it is not “right” or “wrong.” It exists in the spectrum of human feelings. Its existence is a given. Anger becomes good or bad when a person gives an assessment. Most likely, many are afraid of anger, because when introduced into an aggressive action, it promotes violence, can cause material damage, and behind it lies the threat of attack. In addition, in families, from an early age, children are explained that anger is a bad feeling, a person who feels anger is bad, evil. The negative meaning is clearly visible. Anger receives a label and begins to live in the mind as shrouded in negativity. A person tries to hide it because being evil is bad. This is how anger is rejected, repressed, suppressed. However, it does not disappear; already suppressed anger lives in a person.

A person can feel anger, which most often flares up in interpersonal relationships in which there is a contradiction, a confrontation between the parties.

What are the causes of anger?

First of all, with the help of anger, a person protects himself, his space, psychological boundaries when he defends personal interests:

- don't push me

- don't take my mobile phone,

- put the bag back,

- stop advising me,

- I myself know what to do in this situation.

Sound familiar?

The appearance of a person feeling angry also demonstrates defense. The facial expression is frowning, threatening, the skin on the face turns red or pale, the fingers are clenched into fists, the person is preparing for defense, defense, the lips are tightly compressed, the eyes are sometimes widened and shiny, the body is tense, as the muscles are ready for one of the reactions - to attack or run, the gaze is directed at the object of anger.

The most common cause of anger is the unsatisfaction of a currently important need, or the emergence of an insurmountable obstacle on the way to achieving a goal.

1. I went on vacation, and on the third day my boss called and asked for urgent help with the report.
2. I wanted to go to bed early, my relatives called to chat.
3. I wanted to write an article, but I had to hem trousers that my son urgently needed. There are similar situations in the life of every sea. In each situation, the disorder of the original plan, the dissatisfaction of a strong need is clearly visible:

1) wanted to relax, be away from work

2) wanted to sleep

3) wanted to write an article

An obstacle that prevents you from satisfying an initial need is a frustrator. This is why anger is a frustrating emotion. And here's what's interesting. Different people may be angry in the examples given with different strengths, or they may not be angry at all, that is, for them such situations are neutral. This is due to the fact that each of us is unique, has different emotional excitability, depth of satisfaction, and level of aspirations. There are two more in the list of human feelings, the expression of which is associated with the satisfaction/dissatisfaction of needs: joy and suffering.

In interpersonal relationships, the causes of anger are different. If desired, they can be tracked through dialogues conducted by friends or social network users: acquaintances, colleagues, friends. It happens that in a dialogue the first few remarks are quite peaceful, polite, acceptable in intonation and words. Then the dialogue develops in an irritated tone, followed by threats, and the conversation continues in a raised voice. And this is no coincidence. During the discussion, a trigger element appears that causes irritation or anger in the interlocutor. By the way, this is also typical for real dialogues, of which there are hundreds of thousands.

What might cause an angry response? Unsolicited advice, harsh criticism, vulgar words and insults, reproaches, evaluation of behavior and labeling, “jabs,” irony, accusations, sarcasm.

By the way, I will name feelings and emotions in which anger is represented to varying degrees. I wrote down two of them above: irony - bitter mockery when a person is sarcastic, sarcasm - the highest degree of irony, cynicism, disappointment - dissatisfaction that the expected does not happen, envy, frustration - dissatisfaction due to some failure, jealousy, anger - insincere dissatisfaction with an admixture of fear, shame, resentment - anger directed at oneself, when a person is afraid to show his anger to another, perhaps he is afraid of rejection or a malicious verbal attack from his opponent, so he is offended, turning anger on himself, hanging a feeling of guilt for his condition to another. Sometimes anxiety is hidden behind anger, that is, anger is secondary, and anxiety is primary. Anxiety is a painful feeling, the cause of which is difficult to identify; a person is worried and does not know why. He cannot know the cause of anxiety, cannot control the appearance of anxiety, and therefore becomes angry and can experience varying degrees of anger - from mild irritation to anger. Part of anger is contempt, disgust, hatred, woundedness, bitterness, hatred.

The cause of anger is excessive demands on others. Let me remind you about perfectionism, when a perfectionist makes excessive demands on another, expecting something ideal from him. If a person doesn’t perform, a perfectionist can get angry.

The cause of anger is dependence, codependency, when someone in a couple remains silent when insulted and is afraid to demonstrate their own anger for fear of rejection, loneliness, or something else.

Another reason for anger is an unhealthy “yes.” For example, a husband asks his wife to do something, she answers “yes,” although she does not want or like to fulfill the request. Then she becomes indignant (anger outside), takes offense (anger at herself). It is much easier to find convincing words for a polite refusal or explanation.

The reason for getting angry may be related to the desire to control. Is it possible to control everything? I wrote above that you cannot control the birth of emotions using the example of anxiety and anger. Another person and many things in life also cannot be controlled. And when something gets out of the controller's control, he gets angry.

And some more reasons for anger: 1. A person can get angry when defending psychological boundaries when someone takes away time, for example. 2 . There are also those who are simply used to being angry. 3 . Powerlessness can give rise to anger, the inability to do as planned. 4 . Also stubbornness and the desire to prove you are right.

If you want to add something about anger and its causes, write in the comments. If anyone is wondering how to deal with anger on your own.

Despite the numerous reasons for anger, irritation, and anger, these feelings have a positive side. If a person expresses anger, for example, raises his voice, he indirectly influences the behavior of another, makes him understand that he should not behave this way, at least with him.

See you in new articles on the psychologist’s blog!

You can make an appointment for a consultation with the author of the article on the website page, make an appointment with a psychologist, or write a WhatsApp message to the phone number indicated in the signature.

Psychologist, online consultant Galina Gorbunova

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Anger and resentment

Human relationships are always filled with different feelings, and anger is no exception. Each person chooses for himself what to do with his negative emotion: suppress aggression, be angry with himself or make claims.

Very often, when a person cannot allow anger to be thrown out, he develops resentment, which is understood as a strong negative emotion caused by experiences.

The cause of resentment is the futility of waiting, lack of praise for work and diligence, a conflict situation, discrepancy of opinions, unfounded slander or feedback. Another reason for resentment may be people’s desire to manipulate a person. For example, if I am offended, it means you are to blame and I am right. This behavior is explained by the desire to excel over other people.

What is anger?

What is anger? It is a strong feeling of unsatisfactoriness and irritability that is caused by resentment. They are aimed at a specific action or person. His faithful companions are anger and irritation. It manifests itself at the level of physiology and emotions. Under the influence of adrenaline, which is released at the same time, the way of expressing thoughts and behavior patterns changes. Aggression is provoked, and the person does not think about the consequences of his actions. He instinctively directs the entire volume of destructive energy towards the provocateur. We submit to anger when we cannot control ourselves or in a situation of oversaturation with negativity accumulated over some time.

Woman's anger

Very often, a woman is subject to stress and overwork at work, rudeness on the street, and family troubles at home, and as a result, a very minor irritant can easily lead to an attack of anger, and the woman will easily lash out at her loved ones, in particular her child. And if a woman’s hormonal levels are not yet in order, then it’s not far from attacks of aggression.

How to let go of anger? First of all, it is necessary to normalize hormonal levels. Hormones play an important role in the life of any person, especially women. Violation of the level of hormones in the female body leads to a bad mood, dissatisfaction, weakness, weight gain, fatigue and, ultimately, anger.

There are also external signs due to disturbances in the woman’s hormone levels. This is dullness, brittle hair; dry and flaky skin, brittle nails, menstrual irregularities, gastrointestinal dysfunction, decreased intelligence and memory. A woman during such a period is marked by irritability and depression.

If you notice all of the listed signs in yourself, then in order to let go of anger, you should normalize your hormonal levels. Disturbances in hormone levels are determined after certain tests are performed. If necessary, an endocrinologist prescribes medications that normalize a woman’s hormonal levels. This process is accelerated by the following actions: proper nutrition, adherence to a daily routine, staying in the fresh air, mandatory physical activity, eliminating bad habits. Be sure to include seafood, fruits (persimmons, bananas), garlic, eggplant, and spinach in your diet. Eat enough animal protein, don’t forget about oil (olive, flaxseed, sesame).

To produce serotonin, you need to eat cheese, dark chocolate, beans, eggs, lentils, and tomatoes. Make it a rule that raw vegetables and fruits should always be in your diet. Adequate rest at night is required, and moderate physical activity (yoga, running, swimming, fitness, dancing) is required during the day. Reduce your coffee intake and avoid alcohol altogether. With your therapist, select the multivitamins and microelements you need.

Constant anger and irritation can be relieved by listening to meditations. According to adherents, regular exercises balance the psyche, relieve tension, aggression and attacks of anger. If irritation does not occur due to a disease, then it is possible to cope with this condition by avoiding contact with the irritating object, as well as eliminating irritants. An integrated approach will definitely help control a woman’s emotionality.

How to deal with anger?

Let's look at some effective ways to deal with anger:

• You should go in for sports. The hormones of happiness produced (endorphins) contribute to a person’s vigor and energy. During training, you can calm your emotions (“let off steam”) and direct your hormones on the right course.
• There is no need to raise your expectations. Disappointment does not arise if we do not expect more than we can do ourselves or our environment.
• Effective breathing exercises. Anger subsides when we breathe slowly and deeply. At the same time, the heart begins to beat less quickly, the pressure stabilizes and the whole body relaxes.
• Expressing your own thoughts. Paper will endure anything. Thoughts written on a piece of paper can be burned, destroyed, and the negativity will go with them. You can give vent to anger through shouting, breaking old dishes, etc.
• Changing the direction of gaze while angry. The method involves change
• physical position of your eyes. You need to look up, in the opposite direction to the stimulus.
• Search for light. Positivity can be found in any situation. It depends on our choice to hang in anger or free ourselves from it. People who are able to find light in pitch darkness will be able to quickly free themselves from negativity.
• Sometimes it's good to give in. In anger, our ego wants to be right, blame, spite and revenge. The process will complete regardless of whether we are overcome by negative emotions or not. By giving in here and now, you will remain the winner of the situation as a whole.
• Positive environment. When we are among happy optimists, our awareness increases. This helps you fight back your anger and stay productive.
• Gratitude. The exercise involves writing down on paper all the things for which a person is grateful. A simple and good, but underrated technique that allows you to switch your attention from the problem to the really important things in your life.
• Laughter. Showing anger and laughing doesn't work together. We replace our negative feelings and emotions with positive ones.
• Have mercy and forgive. The inability to forgive is equivalent to poisoning yourself and expecting the death of the enemy.
• Identifying and getting rid of triggers. This helps to identify warning words and events that awaken negativity in a person. By avoiding them, we do not face such an emotion and do not submit to anger.
• Solution to the problem. You should not delay time and resolve issues immediately. Otherwise, anger accumulates and threatens to explode with negative consequences for both parties.

What is anger?

What is anger? This is a nervous reaction to the current situation. It appears from dissatisfaction that arises after causing an insult.

Accompanied by motor manifestations (trembling, gesticulation, movements). It applies to different subjects, not just other people. Thus, both the person experiencing anger and those around him suffer from this destructive feeling. It happens, both short and long. Can destroy important relationships.

How to manage anger?

Anger is an emotion in response to an attack that occurs when the human brain finds options

fight the threat. It is a survival mechanism.

Our anger is the body's response to thoughts caused by external circumstances. Each of us sees the situation in our own way, through a certain prism of beliefs. And due to the fact that everyone has different prisms, conflicts cannot be avoided.

It is very difficult to destroy such an emotion by its roots, because it is based on an instinctive level. Rare, but it has benefits. However, frequent angry outbursts and loss of control over the situation can lead to irreparable consequences. We can see a manifestation of aggression towards someone. In this situation, we understand how anger controls us in this state. Therefore, you should know how to manage this emotion.

Since it is the result of hot temper and instability of the emotional state, you need to learn to control it and develop stress resistance. This is achieved by providing comfortable conditions for life and activity, and eliminating irritants. Control can be done using:

• physical exercise;
• creative activities;
• special relaxation techniques, including meditation;
• ignoring the stimulus;
• doing household chores;
• other.

How not to get angry?

For humans, the emotion of anger is a basic, protective and defensive reaction. But at the same time, it is considered unpleasant and negative. The ability to restrain the manifestation of this emotion is necessary to adapt to society. Even representatives of the animal world know how to cope with anger, but this skill is simply necessary for humans.

Many people are interested in how to get rid of anger. There are several proven methods:

• “blow off some steam” at the gym;
• beat the pillow;
• write a malicious letter and destroy it;
• find a secluded place and throw out all your anger by screaming;
• speak up, forgive the offender;
• take a break and do a breathing technique;
• in serious cases, consult a specialist.

But before you fight, you need to understand the causes of the condition.

Causes of anger

So why does a person get angry? In fact, there are many reasons. Common ones include:

• False understanding and groundless suspicion. Sometimes people mistakenly think that everyone around them wishes them harm. It is worth clarifying the situation immediately. Otherwise, it may cause resentment towards other people, and this was a simple misunderstanding.
• Unreasonably high expectation. You can't demand too much from others. If they don't live up to expectations, disappointment sets in and we get angry.
• Feeling abandoned. This occurs when there is a place where you are used for personal gain, ignored for various reasons, and betrayed. You become like an invisible person to others. How can you not be angry here?
• Disgust. Some people are too intrusive or unpleasant to talk to. And you don't want to tolerate their presence and get angry if this happens. This can happen with a loved one if you are not satisfied with his behavior. The disgust grows every day and the limit of patience comes.
• Feelings of envy. While relationships with those close to you begin to deteriorate and discontent grows, envy may appear on the scene. Instead of being happy for their success, we become angry that they are doing so well. It happens that it is easier to help those who are suffering than to rejoice for the successful and happy. The reason for this may lie in low self-esteem.

Precautions when dealing with anger

If anger is one of the emotions that you cannot control, and its expression has negative consequences, you may need to take special precautions.

It is important that you are able to calibrate your anger so that it is an ongoing process and not something that is either on or off. You need to recognize anger when it first arises and have the tools to control it. You need to be able to control its volume, using techniques of switching attention, breathing exercises or short breaks in order to interrupt the unwanted increase in tension.

You might consider taking an anger management course or working with a therapist if you find yourself unable to control your anger, or unable to even touch it.

Exploring Your Anger: A Journal Exercise

This is the first part of the sentence, and you need to complete it with what comes to mind. You need to answer quickly so as not to have time to subject yourself to censorship. I recommend that you complete this sentence at least ten times (the longer the list, the more effective the exercise will be) and concentrate your thoughts on the mother:

I'm angry because...

After you've finished, read all your answers and notice how you feel. If you want to record something freestyle, now is the right time. I also encourage you to think about one more question:

Underneath the layer of anger I feel...

Finish this sentence at least ten times as well. You can also make a list of things you haven't forgiven your mother for.