How does emotional dependence occur?
Psychologists assure that the causes of emotional dependence should always be sought in childhood. People who were actually rejected by their parents are especially prone to this form of interaction. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that the mother or father abandon the child - it is enough not to show interest, not pay due attention and ignore his requests in order to grossly disrupt emotional contact. Further, in the process of upbringing, the child strives to earn the love of his parents by “good” deeds, suppressing his desires and interests.
Having experienced negative experiences in childhood, such people, already in adulthood, strive for maximum intimacy when building relationships, losing their own personality and following the interests of their partner. Most often, emotional dependence is established on a man or woman in a love relationship. A child's fear of rejection forces a person to do everything to please his partner, losing freedom and not listening to his own desires.
Emotions and heredity
Previously, scientists believed that we express four basic primitive emotions, determined in each person by the structure of a special part of the midbrain called the amygdala. In initial testing, the researchers electrically stimulated the amygdala and observed the sensations or actions of various living organisms. In a more primitive sense it is aggression; subordination; fear or surprise; and acceptance, connection, or happiness. Nowadays, thanks to the progress of neurobiology, this model has evolved to include three more states in addition to the four named: surprise, disdain and disgust. It is not difficult to understand that surprise is associated with fear and that disdain or disgust can easily be associated with anger or aggression.
Many sources suggest that the subjective experiences unique to each individual include some combination or mixture of each of these primary emotions. Secondary emotions, or social ones, are created from primary ones, like mixing primary colors to obtain shades. These secondary emotions include embarrassment, jealousy, guilt, envy, pride, trust, shame, and many others.
It seems to me that feelings are created something like this: the neocortex reacts, feels or thinks, after which the midbrain produces neurochemical factors that then support or activate various regions and neural networks to produce both our unique and common sensations.
Sensations, you will remember, are the result of comparative experiences that we all have, thanks to our common environment and social conditions (our formation through learning and personal experience; that is, upbringing); short-term genetic properties inherited from parents (their ingrained emotional experiences; i.e. nature) and general long-term genetic properties (the human brain is structured in a similar way; therefore we share common universal tendencies; nature again).
Thus, this "software and hardware" of our body determines the perception of the environment and the behavior of all members of our species using relatively the same emotions. In this case, I do not intend to go into the subtleties between emotions, sensations, urges and sensory reactions; let's just agree that they are chemically activated states of mind and that emotions are nothing more than the end products of our personal experiences, both common and unique.
The battle of Maslenitsa and Lent (fragment). Pieter Bruegel. 1559
Signs of addiction
Psychologists have found that emotional dependence in a relationship on a partner always develops according to one scenario and makes him codependent. This is the “rapist and victim” scenario. Moreover, physical violence does not necessarily occur in a couple. Often this is manifested by the high interest of one partner, against the background of indifference and coldness of the other. In addictive relationships, people experience a huge range of different emotions, which prevents them from fighting their addiction.
Characteristic signs of dependent relationships:
- obsessive feelings of jealousy, manifested by mistrust and hypercontrol;
- the desire to spend every minute with the object of addiction;
- development of apathy and depressive states during forced separation from a partner;
- lack of one’s own hobbies and interests in favor of another person’s life priorities;
- concentration of all plans for the future, hopes and expectations on the object of dependence;
- willingness to forgive and tolerate insults, betrayals, violence and other manifestations of sacrifice;
- lack of interest in work, friends and other areas of life.
Chemicals and cortisol
The most basic, basic information that we need to learn is this: every time a thought is ignited in the brain, chemicals are produced that cause corresponding sensations in us and various reactions in the body. Over time, the body becomes accustomed to the level of chemicals that circulate in the bloodstream and are carried to each of our cells. Any interference with the steady, steady state of our body chemistry results in discomfort.
We will do almost everything in our power, consciously and subconsciously,
relying on your own feelings to restore the usual chemical balance.
Like the fight-or-flight response, whenever a thought is ignited, various chemicals are released. The three mediators of chemical communication in the body are neurotransmitters, peptides, and hormones.
Therefore, whenever we have a thought, neurotransmitters go to work in the synaptic space, lighting up the neural networks associated with a specific concept or memory.
Any memory has a corresponding chemical component that is reproduced by peptides. Part of the midbrain, the hypothalamus, produces many different peptides. The hypothalamus can be likened to a laboratory in which a corresponding chemical signature is developed for every thought ignited in our brain and every emotion experienced. This is why the limbic, or midbrain, is often called the emotional brain. It awakens our sexual currents, activates creative thinking and evokes a motivating competitive spirit in us. This emotional brain is responsible for producing chemicals that trigger our emotional reactions and thoughts.
When a "chemical thought" enters the bloodstream, it excites the body, much like ACTH ( adrenocorticotropic hormone)
— approx. T&P) with glucocorticoids (cortisol). When the body is aroused, it communicates through a negative feedback loop to maintain acceptable levels of chemicals in the brain and body cells.
Let's look at how this negative feedback loop works. Because the hypothalamus is the most vascular part of the brain (with the largest blood supply), it monitors the circulating volumes of each peptide during every chemical reaction in the body. For clarity, let's say that with a high level of ACTH, the level of cortisol decreases, and then the hypothalamus reduces the production
ACTH. The level of chemicals is determined by the individual internal indicators of each person. Each person has his own unique homeostatic balance, which is directly influenced by his genetic program, his reaction to external circumstances and his own non-verbal thoughts.
Negative feedback loop between brain and body
The illustration shows how the brain and body work together to regulate chemical communication. High levels of peptides circulating in the body affect various glands and organs that produce hormones and secretions. When the brain detects high levels of hormones or secretions and low levels of circulating peptides, it acts as a thermostat and stops producing hormones. When the level of hormones circulating in the body decreases, the brain senses this decrease through the hypothalamus and begins to produce more peptides, from which more hormones can be produced.
The battle of Maslenitsa and Lent (fragment). Pieter Bruegel. 1559
How to get rid of emotional dependence?
Overcoming emotional dependence on a husband or wife does not just mean breaking up. Practice shows that a person prone to dependent relationships will repeat the same scenario with each partner. Psychotherapy in this case is aimed at returning a person’s lost personality and self-love using the method of deep psychoanalysis. Only working through problems and childhood traumas helps you feel like an independent unit, worthy of love and respect.
In the first stages, the specialist will tell the patient how to learn to show love and care for himself, to become a self-sufficient and full-fledged person who does not need patronage. Particularly effective in this case are body-oriented and breathing practices that help a person feel his body, realize his individuality and independence from external circumstances.
Treatment of emotional dependence on a person is long-term work on oneself, which leads the patient to personal happiness and self-development.
Still have questions? Call and make an appointment for a consultation in Moscow 8 (999) 333-37-77 (from 10.00 to 22.00) daily. Cost of consultation - Services and prices. The address for the consultation is in the Contacts section. You can also ask a question online or get a free consultation.
Women's Universe of Love and Beauty
When a day goes by as usual, followed by the next day as well, and another, many feel it as boring, ordinary, routine... Even if something seems to change, it feels like the same. In addition, we spend most of the day in the mental space, in our heads, solving all kinds of problems - from work to everyday ones. But you want something bright, unusual, changes, fullness, rapture, etc. And here, various kinds of emotional “shake-ups”, releases, etc. often come to the “help” - which includes experiencing various kinds of “strong emotional states” .
Somewhere I read the phrase “the soul feeds on vivid emotions,” and it doesn’t matter whether they are positive or negative.
In some ways this is true, because when you look through past lives, the first to be remembered are the vivid emotional states and events associated with them. Routine or ordinary affairs are “viewed” only in passing, more at the level of sensations “yes, it happened” (see about the method of reincarnation - immersion in past lives).
And at a certain stage, dependence on strong emotions may arise. Someone goes to extremes - such a roller coaster - going either into a strong minus or into a plus. Someone “loves” to sort things out, someone falls into self-pity, someone lives on adrenaline, someone is stressed, someone is in pursuit of happiness/goal, someone understands other people’s problems and emotions, someone watches the news or programs about the “end of the world” or another misfortune. But what often happens in such peak acute moments is that the circle opens and the person clearly feels alive, completely alive.
Oddly enough, I used to feel alive during hysterics. About 10 years ago they started when I was slowly going crazy from the routine, home-work-home-study... no changes. Hysterics began, as if out of nowhere. It was scary because I didn’t understand what was happening. But they were repeated with regularity. Now I understand that they were needed, because I began to feel something, I felt more alive, more sensitive at such moments.
Then, when there was no longer a need for hysterics, I began to “come up with” other ways: leaving it until the last moment, and then doing it under stress, going to the extreme, provoking another person (especially a man), falling into euphoria, sometimes sexual overstimulation. There are so many ways to “tickle” your nerves by experiencing your “dose” of emotions. Therefore, I unconsciously created situations in which I experienced strong emotions. But as a rule, they were not something positive.
Of course, you need bright emotions in life. This makes her infinitely beautiful and full. But in what way, that is the question?
Now I observe others and understand that many people repeat this pattern of behavior: to evoke strong emotions, most often negative, in order to... feel.
This happens precisely because 1x, we have stopped feeling, using sensory perception and exploring the sensory aspects of life. 2x, we don't feel alive, living, full of life , breathing and flowing with the flow of life.
I'm speaking for myself here, but many others I've talked to candidly talk about the same thing. - They do everything except stop and internal silence... It’s scary, because in this internal silence a real feeling of life is born, life flowing through us.
This is the feeling of life: I am, I exist, I am alive, I live, I am part of the universe, part of this world. And everything around is alive: trees, stones, the surrounding space, everything around is alive, everything around is saturated with life and formed into a wonderful pattern on the canvas of the universe.
And this is where the real miracles begin. Not only do you breathe more freely when you are drunk with happiness, because you feel that life is scattered everywhere, in every atom of air it is in every molecule of water, but because you begin to feel the moments of life . — The uniqueness and uniqueness of each moment and the way they come together, combine into something incredible - some opportunity, situation, action, meeting, smile, landscape... whatever.
At such moments you understand how fantastic life is, how beautiful it is, how much larger and broader it is than the problems and issues that we are constantly trying to solve. And how precious and how lucky I am - after all, I had the chance to be born and live here on Earth under a lucky Star named the Sun.
This state – I am alive and everything around me is alive (even if you don’t like this manifestation of life) – is intoxicating and transforms life.
When you feel alive, your emotions become purer, you no longer need this recharge, like a dose, the next dose of emotions. Then the dependence on strong, negative emotions goes away. But I want to feel life more acutely, more acutely, sometimes unbearably acutely. On some level, this is very painful, extremely painful, especially when you clearly see what people are “creating” most of the time, including myself. Because we often manage to pollute and even destroy this pure fabric of the universe more often than we introduce new patterns, structures, creations. And it resonates with pain within you.
But when you feel life itself, you suddenly emerge from the negative and it’s as if your soul begins to feed on something positive, to be saturated, to be nourished, to come to life more and more... From this state many others are born - the joy of life, trust, which usually slips away in the whirlpool of negativity (yes and it’s hard to trust when negative news is constantly pouring in). But most importantly, you begin to see the light and feel how love envelops you.
Life is saturated with love. Love is the connecting force with which all atoms are attracted to each other and held in their place, the force that connects objects, maintains them in unity, but each in its place. The force that unites and attracts each other, the force that holds the fabric of the universe, the force of a single universal consciousness, where everyone is in their place, everyone is themselves, fulfilling their role... Without it, we would be separate puzzles.
And here love appears not as a human feeling, but as a cosmic law. It is not like ordinary human love, or any specific relationship/romantic experience. Here love is one of the highest cosmic laws. (see Law of Love).
Although it may be, because when there is no love in something, it begins to disintegrate, collapse, be it a situation, an object, a relationship. The force that attracts and holds together does not act. Maybe that’s why we destroy ourselves, because we don’t feel love for ourselves, we destroy the earth because we don’t feel love for it, that it is living, breathing.
I don’t know, now there is just a feeling that when there is no love, it becomes easy to destroy, be it an object, a relationship, or yourself. But when love is present, it becomes very easy to create, connect, and be creative. And the heart knows about this law. All that remains is to tune in with it and live in accordance with the law of love. The heart can and knows how.
Then who is better...worse does not matter, because you have your place in life, because you have your own river in the general flow of life. It matters whether you take your place or rush around or even climb into other people’s, not those that are typical for you, whether you are yourself or trying to become someone else, whether you go your own way, even if you have to pave the way or obediently go “where you need to go.” and how is it necessary"?
Do you feel alive, living, filled with life?
With love, Evgenia Medvedeva
PS And this passage inspired a new state of consciousness and feeling, a very powerful text.
You've probably already heard from your mother and from your priest that our Father is God? That it was He who created our entire cosmos, and our universe, and our earth, and all of us. That's why they call him Father. And you’ve probably seen in many paintings and icons that artists from ancient times have depicted him as an old man with a gray beard?
But you probably heard the same thing, and now I think you hear about it more and more often, that there is no God. But really, can some old man with a gray beard sit in heaven and from there rule everything and everyone on our earth? That’s why scientists say that there is no God. Here's what I'd like to tell you about it.
The fact is that, living here on my island, completely alone, of course, I turned to God very often. I asked Him for help, and in every possible way sought a meeting with Him. But God did not want to show himself to me; it was as if he did not hear my prayers.
Every day I begged him to return me from this island to my family. I asked him to send at least some ship past, and I peered hopefully into the horizon, but it was all in vain. God seemed to deliberately not pay any attention to me. So in the end, I completely lost hope of meeting Him, I lost faith in Him, and having lost faith in Him, I fell into terrible melancholy.
There is no God, of course,” I decided and tears flowed down my cheeks like a river. In complete despair, I sat on the ocean shore and looked at its huge waves.
I looked at the ocean and dreamed of only one thing - to die as soon as possible. I was looking at the ocean and suddenly something strange happened to me. Suddenly, in an instant, I felt all the strength, all the power, all the beauty and most importantly, all the deepest mystery of this huge ocean. It was as if I understood the entire ocean.
It was as if I had merged with it, becoming one with the ocean. I looked at the ocean and streams of living force passed through my body.
I looked at the ocean and felt like one of its mighty waves. I felt my life flowing inside me. In short, for the first time in my life, I felt truly alive.
And at that very moment I realized very clearly that God is not at all an old man with a gray beard in heaven, but God is the life that fills everything around. Look at the tree that grows in front of your window; how could it be covered with leaves and bloom with flowers if it were not alive?
The tree not only grows up and reaches for the light, but it grows and blooms with green leaves because there is life in it. Trees and flowers, people and animals, fish and insects and everything you see around is filled with life.
Close your eyes and sit in silence for a while and you will feel life flowing inside you. Life is a river that fills all things, all objects and all beings around us. We all eat, drink, laugh and do what we love because there is life in us.
Close your eyes and feel that you are alive. Thanks to life, rivers flow and flow into oceans. Thanks to life, volcanoes erupt and pour out their burning lava, which, when solidified, turns into rocks and stones. Know that both stones and rocks, which seem dead and motionless to us, are actually filled with life. Life flows in them, just like in you.
Close your eyes and feel how life flows through your arms and legs and throughout your whole body. Life fills the entire universe that surrounds us. Life flows in distant cold stars, and in the Milky Way, and even in black holes, everywhere and in everything, life flows in this universe. All nature is filled with life. Life gives birth to cosmic galaxies, life gives birth to the universe, life gives birth to planets and an infinite number of living beings.
Close your eyes and feel yourself to be one with our entire earth, with our entire cosmos, with everything alive both around and inside you. Because you are part of one common life.
And before the universe appeared, before stars and galaxies appeared, before our sun and our planet Earth appeared, before all of this there was already life.
You've probably heard how often they like to repeat: “and life began in the universe”? Or “the universe gave birth to life”? in fact, these phrases contain one significant mistake and it is this. It was not the universe that gave birth to life, but life that gave birth to the universe. It simply cannot be any other way, because how can something dead give birth to something alive? It's as if the table made the carpenter, and not the other way around. Or as if a jug would fashion a potter, or a painting would create an artist.
No, it is the artist who creates the picture and fills it with life. Life gives birth to living things. Life gives birth to universes and the entire universe. All living things are born from life, and not vice versa.
Life never appeared because it was always there. Life cannot disappear or appear, because life is what was and will be and will never disappear. And even when our sun goes out, and our earth falls apart and we people cease to exist, life will never stop, it will continue to flow like a mighty river and create for itself a new sun, a new earth and new living beings on new planets, because life is the basis of everything, and there is no place anywhere in the universe where there is no life.
Therefore, know that life is everywhere and always. And it is also important to know that the life that flows inside you also flows in everything that you see around you. And in your friends, and in your parents, and in your dog, and most importantly, in those whom you do not love and consider bad people, the same life flows in them as in you. The same mighty river flows in all of us, which is called life.
Therefore, when you meet a person who is unpleasant to you, or whom you consider the worst person on earth, then always remember that the same life flows inside you and inside him. And this life is our Father. Therefore, to love and honor your Father means to love and honor life. Turning to your father for help and support means turning to life itself. This is precisely the essence of all prayers, all religions on earth. Because when a person prays, no matter what religion he belongs to and what God he addresses by name, he actually turns to true life. Because God is life. Life - which is you, is me, and even our death, because even our death is actually also part of that very life.
Our bodies will die, and the life that is inside us will flow its river further and further, the life inside us will never die, because this life inside us is our Father, who is always present inside each of us.
So remember that our father is always present within each of us. Your father is always with you. Wherever you are, and no matter what situation you find yourself in, your father is always with you, because He is inside you, because He is life. Your Father is always in your heart, because your Father is the one who filled you with life, and now this life will always flow through your veins, your heart, and your soul. And you yourself are nothing other than this life. So remember, you are life.
Therefore, be alive, feel how endless life flows inside you, trust the life inside you and do not be afraid of anything, because there is no one in this world who could take away from you the life that you are. It is impossible to kill or stop life, because there is nothing in this universe except life, there is only life, always and everywhere.
Look around carefully and find life in everything that surrounds you. Look at the angry, dirty dog that runs aimlessly through the streets and throws itself at everyone around it - it has the same life that flows in you. Look at the teacher in your class who unfairly scolds you and picks on you more than the others, he has the same life that flows in you.
Look at the guy from high school who bullies you and takes away your favorite things, he has the same life as you.
The same life flows in all of us. We are all children of one life. Black people, white people, Jews, Russians and Germans, we are all one life that takes different forms and expresses itself in different peoples.
Now you live in a country where they increasingly tell you that the people to which you belong are the best and most spiritual on earth. Don't listen to this. This is what those who do not feel alive say. There are no “worst” and “better” peoples, just as there are no “worst” and “best” people. Please remember - there are no bad people, but there are those who do not feel life within themselves.
But even these people are no worse than others, and even if they commit bad deeds and do bad things.
Therefore, know that the one who commits bad deeds and does bad things is not a bad person in himself, but he does so because he does not feel true life within himself. Therefore, the more we feel genuine life within ourselves, the less evil we do. Because evil is where life is not felt, and good is where life reveals itself in its diversity and beauty.
And know also that if there are still bad people for you, if you consider yourself better than others, and if you feel separate from other people and from the whole world, then it means that you have not yet fully united with life within yourself. Therefore, look for life in yourself and in everyone around you. Strive for life, call for it and be alive.
This is our main secret - the purpose of life is to be alive. There is our secret with you - the goal of life is to seek true life, connect with it, and dissolve in it entirely, become whole and alive. But only he can be truly alive who sees life in everything that surrounds him, both in what is pleasant to him and in what is not.
Therefore, remember that true life is not only where you like and feel good, but it is also where it is difficult for you to be, and where you would like to leave as soon as possible. There is true life in grief, and in suffering, and in dirt, and even where, as it seems to you, there is no life.
Life is everywhere. Therefore, if you want to be truly alive, then open your heart to life and feel like the happiest person in the entire universe, because the happiest person in the entire universe can only be the one who knows that he is alive.
Ivan Vyrypaev - New play “What I learned from the snake”
Expert advice
Dependence on other people is unpleasant primarily because your well-being and mood depend not on yourself, but on another person. If a dependent participant in a relationship does not receive enough attention from the object of his dependence, life literally loses its meaning for him. This is a pathological condition that needs to be eliminated as soon as possible. If you are just starting out, following simple steps can help you. What do experts recommend?
- Don't put on other people what you can do yourself. Some tasks are unpleasant and difficult to do yourself. But this is the only way to increase self-esteem and become a completely independent person.
- Don't do their work for others. One of the steps to fighting addiction is setting clear boundaries. If you are asked to perform some task that is not within your competence, say a firm “no”.
- The ability to reflect and analyze one's behavior is an important part of psychotherapy. Stop from time to time and ask yourself: “Why did I do this?”, “What feelings did I experience?” Over time, you will learn to understand the hidden motives of your actions and satisfy your needs in a natural way.
- Don't get carried away by guilt and don't despise yourself. During addiction, a person may make mistakes for which he will later be ashamed. Treat yourself with understanding - after all, most likely, in those situations you simply could not do otherwise.
- Try to raise your self-esteem. Success at work or in the creative field helps a lot with this.
- Accept that most things that happen are beyond your control. Many things in our world are unfair and do not obey the laws of logic. You can only influence yourself, but not the people around you or certain events.
Medications
Since emotional dependence is not chemical, it is usually treated with sedative antidepressants, which are also prescribed for other problems with the psyche and nervous system.
- "Maprotiline" - reduces apathy, helps get rid of depression and psychomotor retardation.
- Prozac is a well-known drug that is used for depression, neurotic disorders and during the treatment of addictions. It makes it easier to bear the absence of the object of dependence and reduces anxiety.
- Deprim can be used without a doctor's prescription. It increases performance, eliminates depression and emotional exhaustion, while acting quite gently. Therefore, it is often taken by people suffering from emotional dependence.
- Ginseng tincture has long been known as a remedy that increases emotional mood and performance. It can be used as a drug to activate vital energy.
- “Persen” is quite often prescribed for poor sleep, irritability and lack of concentration.
- Mirtazapine restores the ability to enjoy, improves sleep and helps normalize appetite.
