Jealousy in relationships: the psychology of its occurrence and how to deal with it

Jealousy and love - are there common points?

“Jealousy is poison: in small doses it stimulates love, in large doses it kills”
I. Shevelev

doubt about the loyalty of the chosen one;
lack of self-confidence and fear of losing in comparison with a competitor;
hypertrophied zeal, zeal and diligence.

It’s not in vain that you can be jealous not only of individuals of the opposite sex, but also of work, friends, hobbies, etc. If we dig even deeper into the concept of jealousy in psychology, it has become a collective for many completely non-positive emotions: resentment, disappointment, fear of loneliness, low self-esteem, suspicion, etc.

One thing is certain - jealousy is sometimes such a pronounced emotion that, in terms of the strength of its stressful effect on the body, it can be equated to the death of a loved one. It is worth noting that the most important reason for jealousy is a sense of ownership, which can equally be inherent not only in men and women, but even in children. Love somehow fades into the background in all these interpretations of jealousy, giving way to one’s own experiences:

complexes and low self-esteem;
selfishness in relationships, with a constant desire to completely control every step of the chosen one;
fear of loneliness, etc.

At the same time, jealousy is more noted in married couples, which also indicates a direct connection with the feeling of ownership of his chosen one, which he confirmed by putting the coveted signature on the form at the registry office. Since jealousy is inherent in everyone, you only need to be afraid of its hypertrophied manifestations, which can lead to negative consequences. It is better to cope with this condition by seeking help from a psychologist who will help you understand the reasons for your fear, teach you how to love yourself and build harmonious relationships based on love and trust.

Injured jealousy5

Injured jealousy arises from low self-esteem. She takes on an obsessive look. People who are in a web of complexes cannot cope with their emotions. As a rule, their whining causes nothing but irritation, but it is practically impossible to force such people to influence the situation on their own. A good psychologist can help here. But whether the jealous person will agree to realize and accept the need for outside help is a question.

Actually, there is nothing special to advise here. Everyone chooses for themselves: either endure endless suffering and depression, or break off relationships.

Types of jealousy

firstly , justified jealousy, when the partner really met and fell in love with another person. This may well happen in life, but at the same time you need to remain honest with your past lover and directly admit your betrayal and the end of love, without suffering from the duality of life yourself, and without turning your former chosen one into an eternally suspicious paranoid;
secondly , jealousy can have the opposite character - in other words, the cheating partner begins to suspect his chosen one of the same dishonesty, based only on his experience and his sins. Such jealousy grows even more if the traitor managed to completely hide the traces of his betrayal. In this case, he begins to be tormented by the thought that he too may find himself in the same situation and be also deceived;
thirdly , jealousy can be instilled from childhood. Such feelings are more typical for people who in childhood saw a bad example of parental relationships or, on the contrary, became a victim of total control, taking this model as an example in their adult life;
fourthly , there is the concept of age-related jealousy. It concerns more women who react sharply to any flirting on the part of their spouse in relation to younger and brighter beauties. After all, with age, many wives get used to family happiness and forget to take care of themselves. Men at this age, on the contrary, significantly outperform young girls compared to inexperienced and poor young competitors. During this period, cases of male infidelity occur more often, which is popularly explained: “Grey hair in the head, and a demon in the rib.” At the same time, age-related jealousy can be present and pronounced in couples with a large age difference, where the elderly spouse begins to be jealous of his younger wife towards the first person he meets, realizing his physical superiority.

Special occasions

Why is a mistress jealous of his wife? A mistress who receives physical and financial attention from a married man often becomes jealous of his wife.

This happens due to the desire to get a man , a breadwinner on an instinctive level, into full ownership.

If at first the lover comes to terms with her social role, then over time, her attachment to her partner increases, and infrequent meetings begin to burden her.

A typical picture also occurs in cases where a lover begins to be jealous of a married lady towards her husband . Men are not instinctively equipped to share their woman with someone else.

Unlike female representatives, a lover begins to be jealous of his married lover not at all out of a desire to live together.

Perhaps he does not even consider his mistress as a life partner . Male jealousy is considered in this case as a physiological instinct inherent in the stronger sex.

Pathologies associated with jealousy

Jealousy, within reason and if there are grounds, is a completely acceptable reaction of a person in love who values relationships and is afraid of losing his loved one. More questions (both for victims of jealousy and for psychiatrists) are raised by pathological manifestations of jealousy, which include:

obsessive fear of betrayal;
the jealous delirium of pathological jealous people.

In the first case, we are talking about a strong phobia, which can lead to a nervous breakdown or provoke a panic attack. The reasons for this pathology include:

examples of friends about cases of betrayal;
watching films about an unhappy love story with betrayal;
childhood problems projected into adulthood;
experienced betrayal in past relationships;
hormonal changes or postpartum condition that caused dissatisfaction with one's appearance, etc.

In fact, for such mentally vulnerable people with their complexes and experiences to arise as a reason for jealousy, the presence of prerequisites for betrayal is completely unimportant. It is enough for them to come up with their fear and develop this thought, plunging into the abyss of their fear of betrayal and loneliness. In such cases, the help of specialist psychologists is recommended, who will help you quickly cope with an anxious state and teach you to control your own emotions. If we talk about jealous delirium, then all the facts also reside exclusively in the mind of the jealous person and have no basis. The reasons for such suspicions also lie in low self-esteem and one’s own complexes, in which a fevered imagination draws non-existent stories of betrayal in great detail. Such a person needs constant confirmation of his superiority and will demand proof of love and fidelity from the chosen one. But in order to maintain respect and love in such situations, the couple will have to work through problematic issues with a psychologist.

Annoying jealousy3

Such jealousy is already beginning to strain partners. Moreover, it has the same effect on both the jealous person and the object of jealousy. Such jealousy leads to frequent conflicts. She annoys both of them. It is difficult to preserve the remnants of feelings when both are in a war zone. Moreover, such jealousy can often be hidden under various masks: one’s own complexes, insolvency, low self-esteem, unfulfilled ambitions, feelings of not being loved.

If at some point you realize that this is actually jealousy and direct your energy in a different direction in time, then you can still save the relationship. Couples who have experienced something similar talk about a new round. But more often than not, in the heat of struggle, love ceases to exist and the couple breaks up.

The most common causes of jealousy

According to psychologists, people who themselves cheated on their partners are most often prone to jealousy. Naturally, this does not speak about all the reasons for jealousy; their list is wider:

lack of confidence in their attractiveness and low self-esteem force many to see in each interlocutor of their chosen one a potential threat and a real competitor;
Any changes in behavior make you wonder what they may be related to. And at this moment the most reasonable explanation for the jealous is the presence of interest on the side;
the lack of desire to have sex or the inattention of a partner, also, in the opinion of the jealous person, can only be caused by love for another person and sexual relations with him. At the same time, the goal is absolutely not to find out the reasons for this condition in your significant other, knowledge of which would help to overcome a difficult moment in the relationship together (illness, fatigue, business problems, etc.);
the inability to adequately express one’s negative emotions at work leads to the fact that a person lashes out at loved ones at home, often starting to find fault with their behavior and reproaching them for infidelity;
an exaggerated sense of possessiveness forces one to control every step of the chosen one, demanding reports and proof of fidelity;
lack of trust in a couple and the appearance of suspicion is the first bell that you need to listen to in order to make timely adjustments to the relationship and save your love.

The mechanism of jealousy

Jealousy occurs for many reasons. Most often, jealousy is born along with the appearance of love. The mechanism of its occurrence has been laid down since primitive times. In those distant times, males categorically did not want to share their females with other tribes. Even then, people unconsciously understood the importance of genetics. Wanting to preserve the distinctive characteristics of their clan, men jealously protected their women.

If there was a need for an influx of fresh blood, then new clan members were obtained only under conditions of fierce fighting. Preserving the purity of the species, each member of the tribe carefully monitored the behavior of the females. God forbid she gives birth to a child who has similar features to her neighbors. First of all, the baby was subjected to destruction; about the mother, the decision was made jointly, but most often not at all in her favor.

At the same time, a man’s going to a neighboring tribe was not forbidden and was even encouraged, because giving his genes to as many offspring as possible was an obligatory task. As for women, the manifestation of jealousy is associated with the threat of losing the breadwinner and protector for the family. Accordingly, it was unthinkable to allow the loss of the male. Society grew, evolved, and this moment of protecting one’s blood became firmly entrenched in people’s consciousness. The DNA strand did not go unnoticed. There is an opinion among scientists that jealousy is an instinct that is inherited. Read the article at the link below for the opinion of experts on the psychology of jealousy.

By the way, jealousy is also inherent in animals. Moreover, females of those species in which the male participates in raising offspring are much more susceptible to jealousy than those who raise young on their own.

Psychologists identify five types of jealousy. They are very conventional, but nevertheless they reflect the essence.

How jealousy manifests itself

Now let's consider how jealousy can manifest itself in addition to loud and demonstrative scandals designed for spectators and the desire to arouse pity for the jealous person from others.

Signs of unhealthy jealousy include:

checking your phone, pages on social networks, correspondence in instant messengers, etc.;
annoying calls every minute with a single question: where is the partner and what is he doing;
constant parallel verification of the correctness of the chosen one’s answers by calling mutual friends, colleagues and the partner’s superiors;
meeting your beloved home in a raised voice with unfounded reproaches and aggressive claims;
constant demand for evidence of love, fidelity and devotion, etc.

The list of these abnormal emotions and attitudes towards your chosen one can be continued. But the main thing is to understand that being always “under the hood” can bore even the most calm and balanced person, provoking him to make various decisions unusual for him: from extremes in the form of betrayal (if you listen, then at least to the point) and to banal separation and searching for a harmonious couple.

Nobody belongs to anyone

I have news for you - no one belongs to anyone. And even if two people enter into a relationship, much less marriage, they become a family. Of course, in marriage their relationship implies certain property rights. But still, this is not about the right to own each other.

In fact, relationships develop, move forward, do not stand still, and evolve at different stages. And if you are stuck at the stage of “he is mine”, “this is mine”, sooner or later jealousy will arise. Jealousy contains a very large potential for strength, transformation, resourcefulness and love, and first of all for oneself. And the main task here is to develop this self-love, to develop self-confidence. Understand that everything is in order, that you are initially worthy and have the right to all the best in this life, you have the right to life itself.

And this right does not imply claims against other people, and confirmation of self-esteem at the expense of others.

When jealousy is justified

Let's not just talk about unhealthy jealousy. After all, there really are situations that objectively make you think about your partner’s fidelity and the possibility of continuing your relationship with him. Jealousy will be justified in the following situations:

with constant overt flirting of your chosen one with representatives of the other sex, which does not stop at minor compliments, but clearly indicates physical attraction and networking;
when your requests for help are rejected, which looks especially contrasting against the backdrop of a zealous desire to fulfill any desires of an attractive colleague;
the secrecy of the relationship, in which the chosen one is in no hurry to introduce you to his environment and relatives, does not let you in on his plans and does not talk about the past;
They remember you only after things that are more important for your partner - meetings with friends, work, hobbies.

Such facts should alert you and make you have a reasonable desire to understand whether you are so important to this person and whether you need secondary roles in his life?

Features of male jealousy

Men, as males, demonstrate their jealousy more clearly. The reason for this is both an exaggerated sense of possessiveness and a heightened desire to lead in the relationship and keep everything in your couple under total control. Uncertainty about your chosen one at the beginning of a relationship can over time develop into pathological jealousy with the need to receive clear reports about your behavior and feelings. To convince your partner of your love and affection, you should surround your loved one with gentleness and care, never trying to rekindle the ardor of love by petty flirting with strangers. Jealousy even more common among adult men , especially in couples where the wife is much younger than the husband . In this case, if you want to save the relationship, you need to talk through the boundaries of permissible and unacceptable situations, hear the partner’s opinion and evaluate your readiness to give him the necessary guarantees of fidelity and affection.

Male jealousy can also have different reasons:

purely possessive type, when the spouse treats the chosen one as a thing and demands from her complete submission, admiration, utmost fidelity and accountability;
depending on character traits - suspicious people, with many complexes, lack of self-confidence and their sexual capabilities, etc., are more susceptible to jealousy;
response option - in this case, one’s own betrayal makes one doubt the partner’s honesty, projecting one’s own misdeeds onto him.

By the way, harmful addictions can aggravate manifestations of jealousy - against the background of alcohol or drugs, any ideas and suspicions grow to enormous proportions, often causing scandals and tragedies out of the blue. The reasons for male jealousy also include fear of loneliness or provocation from a woman. The experience of past relationships will be no less important - if they had to experience betrayal, it will be more difficult for the new chosen one to prove her love and fidelity.

Signs of manifestation

How can you tell if a guy or girl is jealous? The manifestations of jealous feelings in women and men differ significantly.

A man usually begins to doubt a woman after failure in intimacy, or after his beloved refuses her marital duty.

In males, jealousy is determined by the following characteristics:

He talks openly with his partner about his suspicions and asks questions.
He begins to show increased attention to his beloved.
Often he inclines his spouse towards physical intimacy, thereby confirming to himself the fact of his possession.
He begins to get irritated when his wife puts on makeup before leaving the house, or puts on, in his opinion, revealing clothes.
Suddenly becomes secretive and sullen.
Openly insults his wife if she refuses physical intimacy.

Pathological jealousy in a man is expressed in manic suspicions .

He begins to follow his wife, look through her phone, constantly call her, openly and groundlessly accuse his wife of cheating.

In an emotional attack, things can even go as far as assault .

Female jealousy is expressed in such signs as:

Suspicions: review of phone calls, contacts and SMS of the spouse with detailed interrogation.
Constant monitoring: frequent phone calls, visits to work, inspection of clothing.
A ban on any friendly gatherings and work corporate parties.

Due to intense jealousy, women may deny their spouse physical intimacy . Some female representatives, jealous of their lover, deliberately try to arouse jealous manifestations in him: they begin to wear revealing clothes, put on bright makeup, and flirt with other men in front of their spouse.

How to cope with a panic attack? Find out the answer right now.

About the differences between female and male jealousy in this video:

Why and how women are jealous

Women's jealousy, like women's emotionality, is much more multifaceted and brighter : from quiet games of spy (sniffing out someone else's perfume, looking for someone else's hairs on a jacket, etc.) to loud showdowns. At the same time, there are girls who simply kill relationships themselves, constantly “nag” their significant other for no reason, following the advice of friends or mothers who repeat: “They are all the same!”, “Be careful not to leave”, “ We know these delays at work”... As a result, upon returning from work, the husband is met not by a caring housewife, but by an angry wife, who has mentally pictured the whole process of betrayal in her head and pronounced her verdict. At the same time, if, when a man is jealous, all claims are directed towards the chosen one, then female jealousy will definitely hook the object of your partner’s attention. It is in her that girls will see the reasons for problems in marriage or relationships, and they will look up to her in order to prove to their loved one that they are better than her in all respects. By the way, very often the causes of female jealousy have deep roots in childhood , when long waits for the father from work were a big problem and had no explanation for children’s perception. This situation is projected onto one’s family, and therefore, every time the spouse is late involuntarily brings back those childhood fears of loneliness and hopelessness. In such cases, it is better to contact a psychologist who will help you deal with internal fears and teach you how to control the actions and emotions of an adult woman.

Tyrannical Jealousy4

Tyrannical jealousy causes irreparable harm to partners. Most often, its appearance is due to elementary punctures in the secrets of adventures. But this jealousy is not only negative. It can also cause physical harm. A tyrant can often raise his hand against his victim and humiliate him morally. Even if the victim can prove that he will no longer give any reason, there will still be no chance of salvation.

Another point that may be key to the manifestation of tyrannical jealousy is the banal fabrication of the situation. Many jealous people simply live in a fantasy world. Any smile, a slightly lingering glance, a slight delay, an unanswered call, all this can easily provoke another attack. There is only one way out in such a situation - separation.

What consequences should you expect from jealousy in a relationship?

Constant reproaches and suspicions significantly spoil relationships, forcing even couples with extensive experience of living together to break up. Jealousy brings tension into the family and contributes to the creation of an unhealthy nervous atmosphere. In this case, all family members suffer: the jealous person himself experiences negative emotions, the victim of jealousy experiences logical resentment for the lack of trust. But the biggest problem is that this situation in the family is also observed by children, who subsequently build their relationships according to the same models. Excessive jealousy and suspicion, lack of respect for the personal life of the other half causes the fading of love, disappointment, physical and emotional distance of partners. Frequent groundless nagging can provoke real betrayal or lead to a final breakup of the couple. At the same time, such a tense situation in relationships also threatens purely physiological problems, causing constant stress and anxiety and causing serious pathologies in the form of:

anorexia nervosa;
impotence/frigidity;
strokes;
heart attacks, etc.

Is it a sin from a religious point of view?

In Orthodoxy, marriage is interpreted as a spiritual and carnal union of two people : “Let the two become one flesh.”

And in the common flesh there should be no place for harmful passions, including jealousy.

Jealousy in the Bible is called cruel, it torments a person from the inside and causes moral pain to a partner .

Orthodox priests say that manifestations of such feelings are a sign of the absence or lack of genuine love. Where there is love, there is no room for jealousy.

Jealousy grows out of mistrust, selfishness, cowardice, despair, and yet these states are considered sinful.

How to get rid of or tame this destructive feeling

You need to get rid of this feeling as soon as you notice the prerequisites for unhealthy jealousy.

It's best to start with your own changes:

develop and be an interesting person;
take care of yourself to increase your self-esteem;
get rid of complexes;
learn to love and appreciate yourself.

To save the couple and not harm the relationship with your jealousy, follow these recommendations:

talk more with your partner , ask his opinion, know how to listen and hear, together look for ways out of problematic situations and build your own model of an ideal relationship;
don’t be afraid to ask questions , be more interested in the work, hobbies and problems of your chosen one;
do not try to remake a person to fit your framework - look for common ground for a harmonious relationship in which both partners will be comfortable;
do not forget about the right of everyone in a couple to their own personal space and time;
never resort to lies , instilling confidence in yourself and trusting your partner;
pay more attention to your common interests , look for things that will tie you to each other even more tightly;
forget about criticism , more gratitude and admiration in words - and then your chosen one will always want to quickly return to the house where he is loved and appreciated.

In general, explain to yourself that it was you who was chosen by your partner and it is to you that he returns every day. Think about how you were able to attract him and do even more to keep him for life. At the same time, do everything together, building your relationship on love, mutual understanding, respect, fidelity and mandatory trust.