If you have never experienced a feeling of jealousy in your life, you can confidently be called lucky. According to statistics, most often marriages break up precisely because of jealousy. And this is not surprising, since jealousy can destroy any, even the strongest relationships.
In a truly loving heart, either jealousy kills love, or love kills jealousy. Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
Why is it impossible not to be jealous?
It is impossible to learn under any circumstances not to be jealous of a loved one. Why? This is inherent at the level of instincts - a sense of possessiveness inherent in everyone. You can only not be jealous of someone who is unloved.
As long as jealousy is within acceptable limits, it does not become chronic and pathological - it is a normal human feeling that can strengthen relationships.
What is the essence of jealousy - what does it mean? That they are afraid of losing you. What does its complete absence mean? Possible indifference.
Couch Conquerors3
The type of people who are used to appropriating everything from the first minutes are almost impossible to re-educate. And if your precious lover is tyrannically “protecting” your personal space, then it’s time to make a move. Such a maniac will not stop at any arguments, because his main goal is to keep his “charm” to himself. Even if this beauty is you. Selfishness, in principle, has never been the correct model of behavior (except perhaps only a little), and coupled with the manners of a jealous tyrant, this is a completely nuclear mixture.
The reason for this may be a long-standing trauma from childhood. For example, parents divorced due to the betrayal of one of the spouses, and the child in the future will always expect a dirty trick from his passion. Or previous novels were not successful, so in the present there is a fear of losing everything again. But it’s worth remembering one thing: the past does not define a person. Whatever happened before, it is not a fact that it will happen again in the future. Therefore, there is no point in being jealous for no reason, but it is better to show that you are truly worthy of not being betrayed anymore.
Is jealousy a sign of love?
We must understand that jealousy itself is not a sign of love.
In most cases, this feeling is not generated by devotion, but by inflated pride and a painful fear of loneliness. Severe jealousy can destroy even long-term relationships.
The border of the unacceptable is crossed at the moment when the partner ceases to be perceived as a separate and free person, and becomes just a “toy” that must live according to clearly established rules. After this, any deviation in behavior begins to be perceived as a personal insult, betrayal, which leads to serious conflicts.
Dangerous games with jealousy
Women are capable of going to great lengths to maintain a relationship with a loved one. Some are sure that in order to slightly “revive” fading feelings, you need to give your husband a reason to be jealous. Psychologists believe that this method of “revival” most often guarantees a complete break in the relationship. Let's look at what can destroy family relationships.
1. Provocative clothing
Even the calmest and most balanced man will not tolerate the presence of his wife dressed as a “call girl” next to him. A deep neckline and a mini “nowhere higher” give an unambiguous signal of complete accessibility for any man, and you will never be able to convince him otherwise. It’s easier for him to leave than to constantly imagine you in this outfit next to others. If you want to protect your husband from worries, and yourself from guaranteed troubles, then you should completely update your wardrobe and bring it closer to the standards of a “good wife.” Remember the golden rule: one thing can be open - either the back, or the legs, or the décolleté area. A short skirt and a blouse with a deep neckline is already vulgar.
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Calmness, femininity, moderation and a sense of impeccable taste will only emphasize your natural attractiveness. And you can save a provocative suit for a pleasant evening alone with your husband. Believe me, he will only be happy.
Go to work like it's a holiday
A common mistake women make is to take their husband for granted. The one in front of whom you can appear with your bun on one side, smudged makeup and wearing sweatpants on duty. But he constantly sees you as completely different - an ideal beauty, dressed up for anyone, just not for her own husband. Perhaps he will be silent for some time, and even then he will not say anything, because he will be afraid of seeming funny in his stupid jealousy. But he is quite capable of ruining life with petty reproaches and nagging (at first glance not at all related to the real reason).
It’s not at all necessary to keep your home looking brand new. To prevent unpleasant situations, it is enough to change your old robe to a house dress or suit and try to look well-groomed even at home. My husband will appreciate it.
Less mystery
The flair of mystery, unpredictability and mystery is good only in the first stages of a relationship. Then it only irritates you and makes you suspect that you have something to hide. And most often, husbands begin to think that you are hiding your relationship with another man. This behavior can alienate a partner at any stage of the relationship, even after decades of a strong marriage. Of course, he should not report on what you were doing every minute in his absence, but he should be absolutely sure that he is the one and only in your life, and you love him very much.
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"Harmless" flirting
Many girls really like it when interested glances follow them, and they inevitably begin to flirt a little with men at a friendly party or an official dinner. Your husband will definitely feel this and react with lightning speed. Most likely, he will be jealous. But this may not end there. At best, he will ruin your mood already at home. At worst, he will quarrel with the guests, and then blame you for everything. The relationship between you may continue, but he will never forget that you gave reason to doubt your integrity and loyalty, and such men are not forgiven.
No comparisons
Men simply hate being compared to someone else, even just talking about someone else's successes. In the eyes of his woman, he wants to be the best and most beautiful (Apollo is resting). This, in his opinion, is the basis of an ideal relationship. And if his wife starts communicating with some men by phone, on a social network or in a meeting, then he will simply leave without explanation. You should never tell your husband about your boss’s salary, your fitness trainer’s figure, or your colleague’s new car. Thus, you contrast another man with him, forcing him to doubt his indisputable merits. Even if you want to drive your husband off the couch and finally force him to lead a healthy lifestyle (take up a career, sports, or just get a job). He might even get up from the sofa, but where he will go is another question. published
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Pathological jealousy
It is possible and necessary to fight painful jealousy. How else to preserve and build long-term harmonious relationships? A sign of pathology can be the emergence of this destructive feeling without any objective reasons - obvious flirting or lies on the part of the partner.
By collecting statistics on jealous people, psychologists found that they have a strategy for building dependent relationships and low self-esteem. Such people lack confidence in their appearance and self-sufficiency on other fronts. Most of them are morbidly suspicious; their trust cannot be earned in any way. In addition, by “love” such people understand the suffering they feel in relation to another person, which is quite rarely based on a real constructive feeling of love.
“There is coarse jealousy - when you don’t trust the one you love; there is subtle jealousy - when you don’t trust yourself.” Quote from Filippo Pananti
What to do if jealousy appears in a relationship?
The most important thing is not to compare yourself with other people. You still won't be able to compete with his mom, ex-lovers or friends. The only thing that matters is what is happening between you now. You both chose each other and are together only because it suits both of you. And if there are serious grounds for suspicion, then you should not remain silent - talk to your partner. You shouldn't wait for your partner to guess about your torment. At the same time, it is important not to resort to accusations, not to make trouble, but to try to respect boundaries. And if heart-to-heart conversations are not able to solve the problem, then you should seek professional help before it is too late.
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What are jealous people afraid of?
The main reason why jealous people are afraid of their partner’s betrayal is possible loneliness and the need to look for a “soul mate” again. They are always emotionally dependent on their loved one; it seems to them that their partner never loved them or has stopped loving them and is preparing to leave.
Jealous people tend to create hysterical scandals and threaten their lives if their loved one leaves. The essence of jealousy in such behavior lies in low self-esteem, because of which jealous people do not believe in their own strengths, in the fact that they will be needed by someone else, someone better.
It happens that excessive pride and fear of the collapse of their own image make people feel jealous even towards someone who was not needed in the first place. This type of jealous person believes that cheating on their partner will undermine their authority in the eyes of others and make them appear sexually unattractive. In this case, we are not talking about love.
Trust but verify
The first thing that drives jealous people is mistrust. And not necessarily to your chosen one! You sometimes look askance at your crush’s surroundings, secretly hate his or her friends, especially those of the opposite sex, and do your best to protect your partner from communicating with society. No sane homo sapiens will like the fact that they are trying to alienate him from those who are dear to him. And this is where the conflict flares up.
A mortally offended and suspicious opponent is not always ready to heed the voice of reason and realize that every individual vitally needs contact with other people. There is nothing criminal in this, so coming up with grandiose betrayals in your head is stupid, to say the least. Most often, the guilty realize everything only when everything has already been destroyed and nothing can be returned. We must remember that life is not a well-thought-out plan; unforeseen events and accidents can always happen here. And if they don’t answer the phone, it doesn’t mean that they are already in bed with their lovers. Perhaps the phone just died or got stuck at work.
Causes of jealousy in women: psychology of relationships
Regarding the causes of jealousy in men, psychology gives clear and unambiguous answers, but with women things are more complicated. If most men cannot cope with the fact of physical betrayal, then for women spiritual betrayal looks much worse. A fleeting infatuation with another passion or even a casual contact due to one too many drinks at a party does not touch a woman’s nature as much as the sight of a husband admiring another lady. Other common causes of female jealousy in psychology are:
- A developed fantasy that imagines various scenes of adultery that are not based on real facts.
- An inferiority complex, when a woman constantly compares herself with others, looking for new shortcomings in herself. Therefore, many wives are jealous of their husbands towards their former passions, tormenting them with constant questions like “what was there in her that I don’t have?”
Tendency to dramatize events and excessive excitement. Women may be jealous of their husbands because of their habit of protecting them from potential troubles, which include meeting a new passion. Since girls’ exaggerated sense of ownership often goes back to early childhood, it is necessary to concentrate on finding the causes of the phobia and eradicate them independently or with the help of a competent specialist.
Interesting fact! Lydia Smirnova, the star of the Soviet films “In the Name of the Revolution,” “Welcome or No Entry to Outsiders” and “Carnival,” once shared her opinion about marital jealousy with reporters. According to the actress, initially she was very worried about jealousy on the part of her husband, until she cheated on him. Psychologists do not recommend resorting to such radical measures, and before taking any specific steps, you should consult with a specialist.
How men feel about jealousy
Psychologists say that the strength of jealousy and its manifestations depend on the character, values and willpower of a man. Also, the attitude towards jealousy completely depends on the man’s awareness of his positions.
There are men who consider strong jealousy absolutely normal, not taking into account that at the same time the woman constantly experiences tension and stress. More loving men will always talk about their jealousy, but will not present it as a reproach to the woman. With such men, women feel calm.
What not to do if you are jealous
Working through jealousy is an attempt to sort out your needs with a psychologist, and not to remake a loved one to suit you. Therefore, here’s what you definitely shouldn’t do in a relationship with a jealous person.
Tolerate and make excuses. If a person does not give reasons, and the partner continues to be jealous, you can suggest that he consult a psychologist. But if the jealous person does not want to change anything and continues to blame the partner for everything, the second option remains - to separate. You should not try to save a relationship that harms both.
Let me look at your social networks. Sometimes it seems that maximum openness will help in a relationship with a jealous person. People give their partner a phone password, allow them to view social networks, and enable geolocation tracking. But it doesn't work.
It's important to understand the difference here. In a healthy relationship, when no one cheats on anyone, the partners already have social networks and phones open: one can, if necessary, call from the other’s phone or open VKontakte on someone else’s laptop. At the same time, a person will not sit there for an hour to study all the correspondence - he will simply do his business and leave.
It’s another matter when a woman says to a man: “Okay, since you’re so jealous, look at whatever you want, I have nothing to hide.” She makes a concession not because she herself wants to, but because she was forced. Firstly, the man will not stop being jealous because of this, and secondly, the woman is deprived of her own space. She will think twice before discussing even something harmless with her friends in a chat. Over time, this will become more and more stressful.
Pretend that everything is fine. Jealousy is often mistaken for a sign of love or passion and is assumed to be okay. But jealousy does not mean how dear the partner is, but that the jealous person has problems with self-image. They do not resolve themselves and destroy relationships.
What should a woman do?
- Be patient.
- Constantly talk about love and the merits of a loved one.
- Try not to arouse suspicion (discreet clothing, minimum communication with other men).
- Instill importance and desirability in your loved one.
- If there is no improvement, organize a visit to a family psychologist or psychotherapist.
If a girl is modest and devoted to her family, then there is a high probability that the reason is in the man: childhood trauma or low self-esteem; only a good specialist can help understand the situation.
Unfortunately, men often do not realize that suspicion greatly hurts their girlfriends, and even wonderful relationships deteriorate, love fades, and patience runs out. Girls are also not made of iron, there comes a period when the last drop falls into the glass of patience, the desire to make excuses and improve relationships disappears.
Jealousy in relationships, the psychology of the issue is quite extensive, there are various causes and similar consequences. Such feelings are a dangerous force and building love on them, like using an atomic bomb for peace, can only be useful in small doses. It is better to focus on trust and openness, this is more correct.
Psychological aspects of the emergence of jealousy
Many people are mistaken in thinking that jealousy is a manifestation of love. In fact, this negative feeling manifests itself in the desire to control the partner. Couples who are officially married are prone to this. The feeling of possessiveness intensifies after marriage, because spouses believe that they have the right to change their partner and put pressure on him. Jealousy manifests itself more strongly in people who received less attention, affection and parental care in childhood.
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It has been noticed that the most common among jealous people are insecure partners. They have low self-esteem and many complexes. They are afraid that there is someone better than them, and this hurts their pride and makes it difficult to control the situation. A person wants to be the master of life, but there is someone else, more omnipotent. This situation is unbearable for a jealous person.
For a jealous man, everything is suspicious: his wife was late at work, she is in a cheerful mood, she danced with another man, she looked at the wrong man. The husband will interpret the wife’s refusal to have sex because of fatigue or a sick child differently: she has a lover.
Excessive tenderness will also make the husband doubt the lady’s fidelity.
Women's jealousy is based on the fear of losing resources. Even animals are indifferent to a male who refuses to participate in raising offspring. So, all the jealous people:
- unsure of themselves;
- restrict the freedom of the partner;
- they don't trust him;
- They have low self-esteem.
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Pros and cons of feeling
Everyone views jealousy differently: some consider it a manifestation of love, others - mistrust. There is also a group of people who perceive the absence of jealousy as indifference on the part of their partner. This negative emotion can stimulate a partner to improve himself. He begins to pay more attention to his loved one, take care of himself, and be more interesting.
But a jealous person becomes worse if he turns into a tyrant. Living with him is difficult, partners often conflict, marriage breaks up. Jealous people start having health problems. The golden mean is good in everything. Reasonable jealousy enhances feelings and refreshes relationships
How a man shows jealousy
Men can show jealousy in a variety of ways. Someone banally forbids a girl to go for walks or to the gym alone, someone allows himself to make caustic jokes at the woman in order to piss her off, someone begins to blame the woman without explaining the reasons and reasons. Many jealous men are prone to hot temper and irritation, and in this state a man cannot build a constructive dialogue. This behavior of men kills all respect for a woman if she values herself and her freedom.
Hidden and obvious male jealousy
Male jealousy has 2 types: hidden (“quiet”) and obvious.
You are deeply mistaken if you think that hidden jealousy is easier and more harmless. Psychologists note that this manifestation is more burdensome. In this case, the guy is jealous in silence, with claims, insults, and arrogant looks.
The man is offended, does not agree to state the reasons and listen to explanations, refuses to eat or spend time together. Does not sleep with a girl (goes to another room) or even periodically leaves the common area of residence.
It is impossible to understand and enter into a dialogue with a quiet jealous person - he completely shuts down, is capricious and behaves like a small child. The reasons for jealousy can be the most banal nonsense: they went out to buy bread without him, left HIM for the sake of a sick friend, warmly communicated with the class teacher in his presence, forgot to call after work, were late for dinner.
If you have an event planned tomorrow, prepare for aloof behavior today. To all attempts to persuade his lover, to caress him, to defuse the situation, the man reacts sharply and contemptuously. If you give in, abandoning your plans, he will take it calmly, with the words “Go wherever you want, do what you like.” Of course, with such a presentation, the mood is at zero, but the manipulation worked.
If a man is softer in character, quiet jealousy will break through not through secretive hysterics, but “by chance,” in cautious and random questions. For example: “Your cell phone operator called you yesterday, tell me you’re impressed with his story, otherwise I’m also thinking of switching to this tariff.” It's a common question, right? Not in the case of a quiet jealous person. Damn him if you enjoyed interacting with that poor operator! Offense guaranteed!
Obvious jealousy begins quickly and loudly. It appears in the form of regular accusations, reproaches and questions. A man doesn’t like absolutely everything: a fitness trainer, delays at work, correspondence with fellow students, your friendly relationship with the vegetable seller. Loud jealous people are not shy about showing emotions, so they show their discontent violently. You will be interrogated with passion, and the man will not hide his negative attitude towards your (so-called) mistakes.
But it is easier to resolve the conflict with them. There is a claim - there is an answer. It makes it easier to dot all the i’s and move further in the right direction.
How to determine the presence of feelings
The jealous woman begins to make mistakes leading to the destruction of the relationship:
- tries to control the partner and limit his freedom, methodically narrows the circle of contacts of his loved one;
- behaves intrusively: harasses him with interrogations and suspicions, often calls;
- demonstrates distrust;
- constantly invents and makes accusations, throws hysterics;
- looks for signs of infidelity and, of course, always finds something to latch on to and stir up a scandal;
- requires proof of love and devotion;
- washes dirty linen in public: publicly discusses problems to gain support from others, publicly censure the “cheater,” and strengthen confidence in the man’s sinfulness.
It is impossible to live with such a suspicious, hysterical personality. In the end, the “accused” simply gets tired of the hassle and endless interrogations and leaves.
About the destructive power of emotion and its consequences
Reasonable jealousy can improve relationships between partners and force them to work on themselves. But its excessive manifestation, on the contrary, will worsen the life of the spouses. Constant anger, aggression and resentment have a negative effect on the psyche of children growing up in a family.
A constant state of stress from jealousy harms the body. The immune system resists and wears out. Headaches, blood pressure problems, and mental disorders appear. The part of the brain responsible for appetite is disrupted. This leads to uncontrolled eating and weight gain. Jealous men doom themselves to impotence.
Possessiveness
As a rule, when we talk about jealousy, we talk about the relationship between a man and a woman. But still, this is a broader concept. For example, you can be jealous of a friend who chose to go shopping with a friend over meeting you. You can be very jealous of your work and your project. Don't want anyone to poke their prying nose into it.
Jealousy involves a certain sense of ownership - the desire for something or someone to be completely ours. Plus, of course, a comparison mechanism: I’m not as good as she is, so he’s now paying attention to her, and not to me. But in reality, you may be fine. You’re just not confident in yourself, and now he’s talking to her at all only because they both studied to be nuclear physicists, and they have something to discuss.
So what happens? When you are jealous, in fact, it is primarily about self-doubt . Because if you are confident in yourself, you basically won’t have this feeling. This means that you know who you are, you know your worth. There is your partner, and you know who he is. You either trust and are in a calm, healthy relationship with him, or you don’t trust and end it. There can be no other options here.
If feelings of jealousy arise, it means that something is wrong with your condition. There are hesitations here, there are doubts here that look like doubts about another person, but in fact they are doubts about yourself.
This is your feeling of insecurity, fear that perhaps they will not choose you, that they will abandon you, and so on. And we need to deal with these fears.
In order to deal with your fears and remain in a full-fledged happy relationship with your partner, sign up for our free online course “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation."
