How to learn to manage emotions and not be nervous, self-regulation of the state

The ability to manage emotions is an important skill that a person needs to master in order to successfully interact with others. Emotions are a person’s natural reaction to certain events or people’s actions. Their manifestation is not always appropriate, so psychologists advise learning self-control. How to manage your emotions?

Ability to manage emotions

Is it possible to control emotions?

The degree of manifestation of emotional reactions depends not only on a person’s upbringing, but also on the characteristics of his temperament. Therefore, some believe that they will not be able to teach themselves to manage their experiences and feelings. This is not at all true - psychologists have developed ways to learn how to manage your emotions.

People think about managing their emotions after they have reacted to an event or have been told that their feelings are being too intense. They promise that next time they will think before they do or say anything. To fulfill it, you need not only desire, but also knowledge of how to control emotions.

Interesting. It is easier to monitor their emotional behavior for those people who have been taught this skill since childhood. They are taught not that they need to always be cool, but to understand when to show emotions, when to remain calm.

It is possible to master this art as an adult. What is emotion management in psychology? This is the ability to change the psychological state and degree of manifestation of feelings using special exercises. There are two options:

weakening of emotional reactions;
strengthening emotional reactions.

Most often, they learn to weaken; in some cases, strengthening of emotions is required. Sometimes this is done before a speech, meeting or negotiation to make it more successful. Therefore, before trying to control your feelings, you need to decide for what purpose you need to do this: negotiation, personal. Then select methods to manage emotions.

How to control your emotions

You should be prepared for the fact that you won’t be able to completely control your psychological state right away, because the habit of acting thoughtlessly and expressing your opinion has been formed for many years. Now you need to develop a new skill: monitor the severity of your reactions.

You should not assume that learning to manage emotions is possible only up to a certain age. A person must always improve himself; mastering such a skill relates to personal growth. How quickly an individual masters this skill depends on his determination, the chosen methodology and the regularity of the exercises.

Self-control rules

The development of self-control is based on three main principles:

Studying yourself - analyze your reaction to different words, actions, situations and determine what exactly hurts you, pisses you off and why. Such splinters are called triggers. To develop self-control, you need to work first with the reasons. Usually these are your own fears.

Changing your thinking - think about what thoughts are triggering you. Negativity is addictive, so you need to get rid of it as soon as possible. At the same time, the cause of anger may lie in excessive demands on oneself, stress, and the inability to keep the situation under control. Accept that anger is the body’s natural reaction to stimuli. Remember that you may need help dealing with your emotions. This is normal and correct. To develop self-control, work with causes, not symptoms.

Blocking the impact - do not allow the stimulus or situation to take control of you. You are stronger than the negativity they are trying to infect you with. Use self-control exercises to help you stay clear-headed.

Why do you need to control your emotions?

There are individuals who pride themselves on their emotionality. Creative people need a heightened perception of the world. In most cases, self-control of your feelings is the key to successful social interaction.

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Why you need to master the art of controlling emotions:

You need to make important decisions, guided by a “cold” mind and being in a calm psychological state. When a person is in a stressful situation, it becomes more difficult to find optimal solutions. Psychologists advise you to stop being nervous and start analyzing.
Self-control of emotions helps improve the quality of social contacts. People will be happy to communicate more with those who know how to listen, empathize and not put their feelings above the feelings of others.

Important! Some people mistakenly believe that there is no need to deal with emotions when communicating with loved ones, because they should accept the person for who he is. This does not mean that the thoughtless display of emotions does not affect their psychological state. A person’s ability to manage feelings will show his care and respect for loved ones.

This skill will be useful for women during pregnancy. The emotional state of the mother affects the development of the child. If a woman wants her pregnancy to proceed without complications, she needs to remove irritability and excessive emotionality. During this period, the lady becomes especially receptive; this skill will allow her to maintain a relationship with her man.
Allows you to cope with stress faster. Self-control exercises teach you not to focus on negative manifestations. A person looks for ways to solve a problem, and does not engage in constant reflection and complaints to others.
Possession of self-control has a beneficial effect on the mental state and functioning of the nervous system.

Important! The ability to manage emotions does not mean completely suppressing them. It teaches their selective manifestation and more practical application.

Showing anger

Controlling your psychological state has a beneficial effect on all areas of life. A person’s actions should not be guided by emotions; he must make the right decisions himself, analyzing the situation and taking into account the feelings of the people around him.

Common mistakes

In psychology, emotions are not divided into good and bad. Therefore, managing feelings does not mean fighting or suppressing them. Let's see what not to do:

Block emotions. Let's say I'm feeling angry right now. But since I don’t want to experience it, I need to push the anger back away. What will I get with this approach? Systematic suppression of strong emotions will provoke stress and eventually lead to depression. The apogee of such management will be various physiological diseases.
Masquerade as false positive. Various self-development gurus tell us in unison that we need to think positively. In other words, when you are angry, just put on a smile and everything will go away. It's like trying to cover a hole in the wall with a painting rather than putting effort into repairing it. Masking is not a solution to the problem.
Indulging in your emotions. This means yelling when angry, hiding under the bed when scared, withdrawing into oneself when depressed, etc. Perhaps such irresponsibility will not cause much damage to the body, but it can play a cruel joke on your reputation and relationships with loved ones.
Shift responsibility to emotions. In this case, the person justifies his words and actions by saying that he was simply angry, simply did not get enough sleep, or was simply hurt. Only a hostage of his own feelings can act this way, but certainly not the master of life.

Ways to control your condition

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Psychologists have developed algorithms for self-regulation of one’s condition. One of the popular ones is the system created by Dale Carnegie. The exercises he suggested are easy to do every day and are applicable in different situations. How to control your emotions:

You need to live one day at a time. Constantly expecting negative consequences, “winding up” yourself - all this has a destructive effect on the nervous system. You can’t live by constantly thinking about the past and future; you should focus on solving pressing problems.
Focusing on positive phenomena. It is human nature to return more to the negative aspects. This is wrong - it is necessary to strive for positive memories and attitudes to occupy a larger part. This will help you look at the problem from a different angle.
One of the important methods of psychocorrection is developing the ability to react correctly to failure. A person should prepare himself for the most unfavorable outcome, so that it does not come as a surprise, and choose ways to solve it.
You need to learn to accept what a person cannot change. This will save you stress, leaving you time and resources to deal with things that you can influence.
Psychologists advise making a rating of tasks for the day, especially if most of them need to be completed in one day. They start with the most important things, gradually moving on to solving other problems. This method allows you to effectively cope with a large number of cases.
Dale Carnegie taught his clients the importance of shifting from problems to other activities. When a person is depressed, psychologists recommend focusing on work or finding someone who needs help and surrounding them with care.
Negative emotions are destructive, leading to conflict and complications in relationships, especially resentment towards others. It will be more productive and better for your psychological state to distance yourself from unpleasant people and, if possible, avoid communicating with them.
Most people do good deeds in order to receive recognition. This setting is incorrect. You need to do good deeds without expecting anything in return except joy from the process itself. This will relieve the feeling of disappointment that sometimes arises when the response does not meet expectations. After all, a person received his reward after experiencing a feeling of joy.
An important lesson is to be able to find positive moments even in negative episodes of life. Having found them, a person can use them for his own benefit.
You need to share your emotions and feelings with your loved ones.

To effectively master this technique, it is recommended that you re-read these tips so that they remain in your memory. It is worth paying attention to the analysis of life situations in which one of the above methods of self-regulation of emotional state could be applied.

Choosing methods for self-control of emotions

Learning self-control requires constant practice. Having mastered all the practical techniques, a person will use them easily and naturally. Some companies organize special trainings.

Effective Ways to Manage Emotions

It turns out that it is not enough to simply prohibit yourself from feeling and masquerading as a positive thinker. Let's learn how to take control of yourself correctly and environmentally.

Reaction on pause

The morning is wiser than the evening. Each of us has been familiar with this saying from fairy tales since childhood. There are other tips with a similar meaning. For example, count to 10 or take water into your mouth. All this means that at the moment of emotional overload it is useful to take a break in order to bring your mind back to normal and not make any mistakes.

Just a few minutes is enough for the brain to process the situation and assess how large a problem it represents. As soon as the emotional wave begins to subside, logic will kick in and you will be able to reason sensibly. You will be able to sketch out a plan for further action.

Don't show your emotions right away. At the moment of peak, you can count to 10, drink a glass of water, leave the room, take a walk, or find other quick ways to get your head in order.

Such techniques will help you not to lash out at your child when your nerves are on edge, not to say too much to a colleague, not to commit a rash act, etc.

Identification

Try to understand exactly what emotion you are experiencing right now. Name it. Assess whether it is pure or mixed. In controlling emotions, it is very important to distinguish between them and observe them.

Whenever your condition changes, ask yourself what you are feeling right now. To make the task easier, you can use the table.

Shifting attention to the body

All our feelings and emotions are reflected in one way or another on the physical plane. Therefore, they can be controlled by influencing areas of the body.

For example, when you feel a certain negative emotion, try to understand which part of the body it is located in, and then direct your attention to that area.

You can act differently. Mentally transfer the emotion to any part of the body. For example, into a fist. Now squeeze it and keep it tense until the muscles themselves begin to relax. Along with them, your emotions will weaken.

Breath

Many auto-trainings and exercises begin with breathing practices. And this is not at all accidental. After all, breathing is the basis of everything. On the physiological side, it saturates the brain and circulatory system with oxygen, improving concentration and mental activity, and on the psychological side, it gives time to calm down and make an informed decision.

When you feel a barrage of negativity covering you, take a deep breath and exhale very slowly. You can do this from the lower abdomen: inhale - the stomach inflates, exhale - slowly retracts. As long as you concentrate on the movements of your abdomen, you have the opportunity to calm down. This technique can be performed not only at a critical moment, but also for training purposes.

Sit back and remember some unpleasant moment in your life when you were made to feel angry or very indignant, for example. Activate the negativity you have lived through and do breathing practice. You can do this more often to develop a reflex and always activate it at the right moment.

Accommodation

The point is to fully experience the surging emotion. Focus on thoughts and sensations. Track in which parts of the body your emotion responds, where you feel a rush, and where, on the contrary, weakness.

Make these sensations intensify. Let the tension in your body become all-encompassing. You will see that after a couple of minutes you will be released.

Visual picture

Any of our emotions is not only physical sensations, but also visual associations. Sometimes these are pictures from the past or future, sometimes clear or vague images, real or fictitious.

Try to understand what your emotion looks like. What color, size, texture, weight or density is it? What happens if you change these parameters? Visualize the sensation as liquid and pour it into another imaginary glass. Give the emotion a color or smell.

Reframing

This approach to managing emotions was invented by neurolinguistic programming specialists. The point is to consider the current situation from a different angle, to set a framework for it.

For example, you can use a time parameter. Ask yourself whether these circumstances will be important to you in 5-10 years. Do you remember them at all? And if so, what experiences will they evoke?

Many people find it helpful to compare the scale of the current situation with major problems experienced in the past. You can think about those who are worse off. This works too.

Look at what happened from the other side. Often emotions do not allow us to assess the situation soberly. We focus on the negative and do not notice the positive facts. For example, if you break your heel, think about the fact that under less fortunate circumstances you could have sprained your ankle. And how can you be upset about something that is easily replaceable? Physical and mental health are much more important.

Holding Emotions

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The ability to keep feelings under control is a real art, because unexpressed reactions can cause psychosomatic diseases. It is important to find a balance between expressing emotions and controlling them. If you constantly suppress your feelings and do not express your opinion, a person may become dissatisfied, and others will not know about his psychological state.

Finding a balance between expressing and controlling emotions

When expressing emotions, you need to respect the boundary so as not to go beyond the boundaries and not create a conflict situation. Therefore, it is important to learn how to control attacks of anger and other negative reactions. It is necessary to express your opinion tactfully, without hurting the feelings of others. At the same time, you should speak firmly so that people respect the other point of view.

Daily exercises to control feelings

Here I will list recommendations and techniques that will help you manage your emotions in different stressful situations:

1. Praise yourself. A lack of praise causes a whole range of negative reactions. But you can fill this gap yourself. Praise yourself for even the smallest successes. You can do this after the fact during the day, or take a couple of minutes before bed and remember all the good things you did today.

2. Agree with yourself. Understand that emotions are as much a part of your life as anything else. They have a right to exist. Try to negotiate with them. For example, if you feel panic, envy or sadness, tell yourself: “I will be fully immersed in this state at 8:00 pm today.” Most likely, by the appointed time, all your worries will subside.

3. Discharge. Unlived emotions have a negative impact on health. In addition, they can spill out later at the most inopportune moment. In order not to build up stagnation, allow yourself to sometimes throw out everything that has accumulated. Some people feel better after breaking dishes, some people tear paper, some people find relief from screaming or using a punching bag. This type of release is best done alone.

You can read about how else you can throw out negative emotions on our blog.

4. Focus on the positive. If you remember your day in great detail, you will probably notice that most of the time is spent focusing on the negative: the weather is dreary, the tea is too hot, the garbage has not been removed from the yard for a long time, etc. For the sake of experiment, try collecting joyful moments: the sky is beautiful, birds they chirp, the air smells nice after rain, I’m healthy and I have an apartment, children, work, friends, fashionable clothes, etc.

5. Get enough sleep. Insomnia and other sleep disorders make our nervous system vulnerable. In this state, even the most harmless emotions can cause a lot of inconvenience and problems. Getting quality sleep, eating healthy, and paying attention to your well-being will help you cope with stress and not stress over obvious trifles.

What does psychology say?

Psychologists advise not to hold back your emotions, but not to throw them out on others. There are other ways to learn to control and restrain your emotions that are productive:

projecting feelings onto a piece of paper;
use of anti-stress coloring books;
a good way to relieve stress is to play sports or work associated with physical activity;
watching your favorite movie or reading a book;
relaxation accompanied by suitable music or an audiobook.

Psychologists advise finding a hobby so that a person has something to do that brings him pleasure. Experts recommend sharing your experiences with loved ones (wife, husband, parents, friends), who can provide not only moral support, but also give practical advice.

When are psychological exercises necessary?

Almost every person in different life situations needs to perform psychological exercises. Psychological trainings have a positive effect on the emotional state. They are helping:

experience stressful situations less acutely;
manage your fears, aggression, irritation, anxiety;
easily cope with the difficulties of communication with other people;
achieve your goals.

Psychological exercises allow you to understand your own personality (attitudes, goals, desires, limiting experiences and their causes).

You can perform the exercises independently, during an individual session with a psychologist or as part of a group training.

When it comes to individual work and group training, it is assumed that all participants will adhere to the following rules:

do not criticize the person himself, but only give feedback on his actions that go beyond what is socially acceptable;
be active - you need to do exercises, participate in games;
absolute confidentiality - everything that happens during a training or session is not taken out the door; all participants do not have the right to disseminate information about what they heard and happened during work;
here and now - it is necessary to complete all the tasks of the presenter at once, since they are necessary for work.

Psychological exercises, when working with a psychologist, while participating in a training, or when performed independently, give impetus to the active development of the individual. A person masters tools that help him achieve success in his career, personal relationships, and spiritual development.

The meaning of a person's emotional state

Certain responses can serve as an incentive for people to take action. Your emotional state affects relationships with others, so for successful socialization you need to be able to subtly sense the mood of your interlocutor.

Communication with a psychologist

Strong manifestations of feelings inspire creative people to create their masterpieces. A person becomes more receptive to the world around him. Therefore, it is impossible to completely suppress feelings and not express your thoughts.

Controlling emotions is not only the key to successful communication. A person learns to monitor his facial expressions, gestures, behavior, begins to better understand the inner world of others and create a favorable environment. Self-correction teaches you to concentrate on solving important problems and pleasant emotions. Managing your thoughts, experiences and other manifestations of feelings is one of the sections of mental hygiene.

What to do if another person is angry?

No matter how much we would like all the reasons for anger to lie within ourselves, sometimes those around us literally provoke and deliberately put pressure on sore spots. In this case, it is very difficult to restrain yourself. But there are two things that will help in developing self-control:

Letter writing - write everything you think about this person, insult him if it helps. The main thing is not to hold back. Express everything that has accumulated in your soul. This will help systematize your own emotions to develop self-control and throw out anger. And then destroy the letter. Cruelty is encouraged.

Awareness of motives - the development of self-control is built on reasons. And sometimes they lie not in ourselves, but in other people. Try to understand what makes this person behave this way. Maybe it’s unfulfilled ambitions, envy, your own fears? This will help you not perceive the person as a threat and control yourself when communicating with him.

An example from my life of how I took control of an emotion

Okay, now let's use a specific example from my life. Let’s take an emotion that has haunted me, probably my entire adult life. This is DEPRESSION. In other words, overload. This is a feeling of grief and some kind of helplessness regarding affairs or situations in life. That is, when depression sets in, I begin to feel that my life has fallen under the influence of some events or forces and that everything is out of my control.

There is a feeling that everything is going wrong, everything is against you and the problem is global. It seems like it will always be like this and it will never get better. You begin to blame everything and everyone around for these problems. Your head is completely boiling, your hands give up. If you let this go, you can fall into depression.

I constantly tried to fight this. Or suppress this state. Alcohol, cigarettes, spending money on various kinds of toys and the like... But this does not solve the problem at the root. To solve it, you need to know the REASON for depression. And I found her...

Depression or overwhelm occurs because we try to solve everything at once. This multitasking mode kills motivation and success. I constantly set myself many tasks and tried to solve them in a short time. Naturally, I didn’t have time to do anything and my brain was overloaded.

Let's remember the proverb: “If you chase two hares, you won’t catch either.” Gold words. My grandfather told me this several times and, in fact, gave me a solution to my problem. If I didn’t consider myself too smart and all-knowing, I would have already achieved a lot in life. And so the realization came to me quite recently.

My grandfather told me: “If you want to make the most of your day, you should set yourself a maximum of 2 important tasks. You do one before lunch, then you sleep a little, and your brain reboots and rests. You wake up and complete the 2nd task. If the task is large-scale, then you only complete one per day.”

These are the golden words I ignored. And my grandfather was the chief design engineer, first at the Integral plant, and then at the Horizon plant. Behind him are several inventions in the field of electronics, resistors, and televisions. There were hundreds of people under his leadership, a great many tasks were set and they had to be completed. Especially in the conditions of the international race in the 70s and 80s.

So, let's return to the topic of the article. Depression is a signal to action. This emotion tells me: “Pasha, please, finally, re-evaluate what is most important to you in this particular situation.” I should take a piece of paper and write down in order of priority the tasks that I want to complete in the near future. Then choose one of them, the most important, and focus only on it.

Now, when I get overwhelmed, I quickly follow the 6 steps described in the previous section and start going according to plan.

After this, the depression begins to evaporate. All I have to do is sit down, think about my goals, write them down on paper, and make a decision about how and when I will accomplish them. And depression begins to develop into a sense of control over the situation. Simple steps, right? And then comes the work on completing the task. And it passes in a normal, unsuppressed state.

It turns out that the feeling of overload is now my friend and I say a huge thank you to him for forcing me to become better. Now I know that when it comes, it means I'm doing something wrong. I accept this signal and try to act.

Avoid emotional overload

Emotional overload is a situation in which a certain feeling completely takes over you. This condition is accompanied by physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, increased breathing, trembling knees, sweating and nausea. Do you feel something similar? This is a clear sign that you are emotionally overwhelmed. Instead of going with the flow and giving up, pull yourself together! Process the information piece by piece, gradually coming to your senses. You can evaluate the result with a sober look.

Kate Ter Haar/Flickr.com

Practice deep breathing

The body's reaction to emotional overload directly affects the heart and, in general, all the muscles of the body. You experience tension, after which you will definitely feel overwhelmed. To avoid such surges, practice deep breathing. It will saturate your brain with oxygen and help you relax. The technique is very simple: stop whatever you are doing, close your eyes and inhale very slowly through your nose, counting down five seconds. Hold your breath for another two seconds, and then exhale just as slowly through your mouth, again counting to five. Repeat at least 10 times.

Think about the solution, not the problem

A negative reaction to a difficult situation is one of the most common problems associated with emotions. Feeling sad or angry as a reaction to changed circumstances is normal, but irrational.

You can’t stop thinking about the problem; you need to use the time to think through a plan for the next actions.

Make a list of possible solutions, be inventive and creative. During work, emotions will fade into the background, you will come out of the situation as a winner.

The role of emotions in human life

Emotions are one of the most important and most ancient areas of the human psyche. They arose in the process of evolution and in primitive times were of great importance for survival. And today emotions are our friends and helpers, to whom we must listen.

There is no point in not noticing them, in trying to block or suppress them in any way. It is impossible to tell yourself not to be angry, fearful, or sad just because it is “bad.” In Spiritual Economics there are these words about this: “Blessed are those who mourn, for God will comfort them” (ERV, Matt. 5:4).