How not to yell at a child? Learning to control our emotions

Probably, many of us have made a vow to ourselves - never to yell at our child. But torn tights, paint spilled on the floor, homework not done on time made us so angry that we, forgetting about the promise we made to ourselves, raised our voices at the child, and some even started screaming. Afterwards, of course, we scolded ourselves and promised not to let this happen again, but... again, lessons are not learned, a crystal vase is accidentally broken, and again the child hears mom or dad yelling at him like a fire siren.

Are we doing the right thing? What to do if screaming has become a habit in the family? And how to cope with your own anger and irritation? You will find answers to questions in this article.

To avoid scolding your child over trifles, for example, when he didn’t hear your call or came home from school later than usual, install the “Where are my children” application. It will allow you to worry less and trust your child more, because you will know where he is, what is happening around him, and you will also be able to reach even a silent gadget!

Why can't you yell at children?

Screaming at its core is a manifestation of aggression. When aggression comes from the dearest and closest people, the child experiences it very hard.

If a child grows up in an atmosphere of constant screaming, scandals and parental nervous breakdowns, he suffers from:

Personal development

The child gradually becomes withdrawn, anxious, unsure of himself, and often cries. Mental development is inhibited, it becomes difficult for him to perceive and remember new information. He is always in a shell, as it were, protecting him from the outside world. The child begins to be afraid of situations of failure (answers at the board, competitions, public speaking) and new acquaintances.

As adults, such people seek constant support and approval for their actions; it is difficult for them to change jobs or meet new people, because... they subconsciously expect failure and aggression from others.

Social development

The child does not develop basic trust in the world. If the closest and most beloved person, like mom or dad, offends, then anyone can offend. The child stops trusting others and has problems building friendships and love relationships.

A child whose parents constantly raised their voices will continue to behave in the same way in their family with their children.

Child-parent relationships

Trust and mutual understanding leave the relationship. The child stops sharing his problems for fear of causing a negative reaction from his parents. Thus, mom and dad turn from close people into strangers.

Overcoming childhood trauma

This is a complex and very lengthy process. Not everyone manages to walk this path and forgive their parents, especially their mother. Often a child traumatized in childhood carries his pain throughout his life.

Diseases that can result from childhood psychological trauma:

• Pathologies of the stomach and intestines.
• Eating disorders including bulimia and anorexia.
• Insomnia.
• Impaired functioning of the respiratory system.
• Vegetovascular dystonia.
• Neurological and mental problems, including nervous tics.

The goal of mom and dad is to give children a feeling of comfort, stability and peace. Without a sense of security, a person cannot be happy. How not to snap at children? This should always be learned, no matter how old your child is.

Causes of parental anger

Now let's talk about the reasons that make parents take it out on their children:

The desire to prove your authority, to dominate the child (“I’m older and smarter, which means I know better what you need”)

The parent is angry that the child does not obey him, the adult, so he tries to show his power over him by shouting. Screaming and raising your voice is the easiest way to get what you want from a child, to subjugate him to yourself.

Fatigue, stress, irritability, loss of control over your emotions

Many parents, after a hard day at work, come home and begin to find fault and yell at their child for any reason: he didn’t learn his homework, didn’t wash the dishes, tore his uniform, broke a toy. Most mothers, being on maternity leave and not receiving help from their husbands and loved ones, begin to take out their anger and irritation on the innocent baby.

Overprotection

Mom and dad, trying to protect the child from any dangers, use screaming as a means of reinforcing prohibitions and restrictions.

Such parents on the playground, in a store or on the street talk to their child only through commands: don’t climb the slide, don’t touch the dog, move away from this boy, watch your step, and the like.

Get rid of overprotection and start building a trusting relationship with your child. To remain calm about his safety without constant monitoring, download the “Where are My Children” application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

Child's failure to meet parent's expectations

Almost all parents (and maybe absolutely everyone) want obedient, well-mannered children who know almost from birth that you can’t draw on wallpaper, porridge is the best food for breakfast, and you have to obey your mother day and night.

Even during pregnancy, the expectant mother paints in her imagination pictures of a happy future and an ideal child in her understanding. But a child is born the way nature created him. He has his own character, his own inclinations and preferences. And they do not always coincide with what parents expected from their son or daughter. Therefore, many begin to get angry with the child, taking out their frustration and irritation on him for not being what they would like him to be.

Model of behavior from childhood

A child who grew up in a family where mom and dad are used to talking in raised voices, where screaming and swearing have become normal companions of life, will do the same in his own family. Be rude to your husband/wife, yell at your child, and if in his childhood there were cases of physical aggression from his parents, then he too can allow this to happen.

Why is this happening? Initially, parents are the main people in a child’s life. And their relationship with each other is an example of what a family should be like, what mom and dad do in it, what their roles and functions are.

Many children, growing up, say to themselves: “I will never be like my father,” “I will never behave like my mother,” but the parental behavior model learned in childhood comes to light sooner or later. And now a calm and balanced woman shouts in anger at her son or daughter: “Stop being disgraceful! What kind of child? Why did I even give birth to you?” just like her mother once did.

Ignoring the age characteristics of children

A 4-year-old child cannot physically or mentally calmly stand still for half an hour while his mother talks with a friend, dress independently in five minutes and fall asleep as soon as the lights are turned off in the room. But many adults simply forget about this and demand from children those actions for which the child’s brain is not yet mature.

Fast pace of life

We are all in a hurry somewhere, in a hurry: work, kindergarten, school, shops, trips to relatives. It’s rare that a mother, picking up her child from kindergarten, allows him to slowly get dressed himself, slowly walk home, while looking at the trees, birds, houses and cars. But a small child lives in his own world, where it doesn’t matter that “we’re already late for the pool, but we still have to stop at the store on the way!” For him, much more interesting is this little bird with a red breast on a tree and this excavator with a big bucket. As a result, the child is in no hurry, the mother believes that he is doing this out of spite, lashes out at him and starts screaming.

Rule three: Do not repeat, but act

This rule follows from the previous one. How parents would like their children to hear us the first time and immediately fulfill our requests. But usually you have to repeat it ten times, but things don’t get off the ground. How can you not start grumbling and then screaming?

In order to avoid the accumulation of irritation that inevitably occurs when repeating the same thing over and over again, arm yourself with a very effective rule “we don’t repeat, but act . This method is much more effective than shouting and moralizing.

Has your child scattered cubes and won’t clean them up? Calmly ask him to clean up the mess. Don't want to? Take your baby by the hand and start collecting them together. Do it with his hands. Don't let him get distracted by other things until you finish this.

And this is how it is necessary to act in all cases. Does the baby bite? Get it off your hands. Screaming? Leave him alone. You need to act immediately and always in the same way. If today you laugh when your hair is pulled, and tomorrow you scream, the child will not understand.

How to stop taking it out on your child?

Managing our emotions

Long-term observations of psychologists show: if in a family parents set an example of calm and balance, then children grow up the same.

But how can you become calm and balanced in the modern world, you ask, if there is only stress around? The answer is simple: you need to learn to manage your emotions.

What does it mean to manage emotions? This means understanding their reason, feeling it, hearing what they want to tell you. Where does your anger come from? Why are you feeling frustrated now? What exactly upset you about this situation? Ask yourself these questions often and you will learn a lot about your inner world and the feelings you experience.

The psychology of emotions is such that events in our lives do not have any emotional connotation. We choose what color to paint them and how to react to them. For some, a broken plate is a reason to yell at a child, but for others it is a reason for happiness.

Remember: it is impossible to be happy and radiating optimism 24 hours a day. Therefore, accept your emotions - both positive and negative - and learn to live in harmony with them.

Relaxation techniques for a tired mom

Anger, anger, irritation accumulate in us, interfering with a full and harmonious existence. An angry and irritated mother cannot give her child love and support. What the vessel is filled with is what pours out of it.

That's why it's so important to get rid of negative emotions first. This process can be compared to the treatment of caries: first, all affected areas of the tooth are removed, and then the vacant space is filled with filling material.

What will help a tired mother relieve stress? Everyone chooses their own. It can be:

• Walks in the open air.
• Get more than 8 hours of adequate sleep.
• Communication (live and virtual).

With friends, relatives, in a chat where you can share your problems, get the advice you need, listen to different opinions.

• Physical activity.

A great way to relieve stress. This could be running, swimming, dancing, yoga, some people like strength training. Even 15 minutes of morning exercise can energize you for the whole day.

• Personal care.

Taking a bath, massage, manicure, pedicure - all these feminine joys improve your mood and allow a woman to feel like a Woman.

• Music.

Agree, even washing dishes and cleaning is more pleasant to the accompaniment of The Beatles or ABBA than in complete silence.

• Drawing.

There is such a direction as isotherapy - treatment with drawing. A person who draws expresses his disturbing feelings on paper, thus working through them and coping with them.

• And the most important advice - listen to yourself!

Listen to your feelings, emotions, inner state, often ask yourself the question “What do I want now? What do I need right now to feel good?”

Do what you like, spend time on what you want. At the same time, continue to be aware of where your child is, what he is doing and whether everything is okay with him! Install the “Where are My Children” application from the AppStore and GooglePlay services.

5 ways to control your anger

1. Analyze in what situations your child’s behavior causes you to have outbursts of anger and whether something can be done to prevent these situations. For example, you get angry when your child is slow to get ready for school and is constantly late because of this. The solution to this problem would be to get up earlier, pack your briefcase in the evening and prepare your school uniform.
2. If you feel anger literally covering you in a wave, mentally tell yourself “stop” and move away from the situation: go to another room, go outside, start doing household chores. All “debriefings” are done after you have calmed down and the child has calmed down.
3. Ask yourself: “Do I want to yell at my child right now because I’m really upset by what he did or because I’m in trouble at work?”
4. Be aware of the consequences of shouting. You will throw out all the accumulated negativity, and the child will suffer from aggression on your part.
5. Do not forget: the necessary information can be conveyed to the child not only by shouting, but also in a calm tone. Over time, the child stops responding to the parent’s cry, as if defending himself from it.

Rule four: Do not attribute your understanding of what is happening to children

It often seems to parents that their children are deliberately stubborn, mischievous and “irritate” them with their whims. Of course, this also happens. But still not always. Often, “tricks” begin not at all because of the innate cunning of the offspring and their ineradicable desire to make sure that life does not seem like honey to mom and dad.

Most often hidden behind whims

• fatigue,
• ill health,
• sincere misunderstanding of why it is necessary to do this,
• nature's desire to experience life through experience.

In all these cases, our transition to screaming is like a bolt from the blue for the child. Especially if we don't do it too often and he's not used to it. If such a sound accompaniment is normal for him, then screaming will not change anything at all.

Advice from psychologists

1. Make time for yourself. Let it be only half an hour a day, but it should be dedicated only to you.
2. Concentrate on what really matters. The floor can be washed, the tights can be sewn up, the wallpaper can be re-glued. The main thing is that your children are healthy and everything is fine with them.
3. Warn all family members that you are in a bad mood today, you are irritated and very tired, so it is better not to upset you today.
4. Many mothers are ashamed of their child’s “inappropriate” behavior in a store, at a party, on the playground, so they try to reason with them and put them in their place by shouting. The best option in such a situation is to silently leave the playground or store with the child and talk to him at home.
5. If you still couldn’t restrain yourself and yelled at your child, ask him for forgiveness. Explain to him what brought you to this. This will be a positive example for him in dealing with such situations.
6. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes to your child. Your authority will not suffer from this.
7. Praise yourself for showing calm, for every situation in which you could have yelled at your child, but restrained yourself.
8. If, in addition to constant irritation with your child, you often have disturbing, depressive thoughts, your quality of life has deteriorated, your sleep has been disturbed, or you have headaches - this is a serious reason to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist.
9. And the last recommendation is that your child should know: even though mom and dad sometimes get angry and raise their voices at him, they still love him and will protect him if he is in any danger.

Don't make screaming your only tool for raising your children. Learn yourself and teach your child to live in harmony with your emotions. And then peace and harmony will always reign in your family!

Rule Six: Understand the Consequences of Yelling

Surprisingly, many of us sincerely believe that even if parents scream regularly, their children will grow up calm and quiet.

In fact, two options are possible:

• Most often, “loud” parents raise equally “loud” children.
• Sometimes, as a result of such upbringing, children become downtrodden and always afraid.

Well, dear parents? Which option do we prefer?

Spoiled relationships, a disfigured childhood, the collapse of a friendly family, internal breakdown, severe complexes - all these words may seem too strong, but psychologists are convinced that they absolutely correctly describe the consequences of parental screaming.

Rule ten: It's never too late to stop

Even if you have been screaming for a long time and often, do not think that nothing can be changed. You can stop and try to correct the situation at any time. Children know how to forgive their parents, especially if they see that they are trying. Of course, if they are already big, it will take more time to develop the habit of living “peacefully”, but still your efforts will not be in vain.

Gradually, “screaming attacks” will happen less and less often, and then they will completely disappear. And for the sake of peace in the house and happy children's eyes, it is worth trying.

Photo: globallookpress.com