How to learn to express your thoughts and feelings correctly?

“Show your loved ones how you feel,” the girl reads out loud the leaf from the fortune cookie. He crushes it and throws it away. After a while she will come to the psychologist and ask:

– How can I become more open?

This is one of the most common psychological problems - a person can feel, but cannot show.

Do you have similar problems with emotions in the presence of people important to you? Are you considered a cold and distant person, although the elements are raging inside? It's time to learn how to express your feelings correctly!

In this article:

Why do you need to show feelings? Showing feelings starts with yourself Open the world of your own emotions Acknowledgment of negative experiences Time to show vulnerability Emphasis on the positive

Why do you need to show feelings?

Photo by Sam Lion: Pexels
Every person experiences negative and positive emotions. Some of them make you feel insecure. Sometimes it’s normal not to want to reveal them. By opening up to others, you can also show your vulnerability. This is not always appropriate.

But the inability to express what is happening inside becomes a problem in communicating with a loved one, with family and closest friends. Strong inner detachment not only harms communication, but also guarantees that deep affection can never develop in such relationships.

Having to constantly guess other people's feelings and needs is a very exhausting process.

5 reasons to learn how to express your emotions correctly:

Confidence. On the one hand, it is not always appropriate to demonstrate your emotionality. On the other hand, in a family it is a necessity. It is important for a partner to see that they trust him.
Empathy. A person who hides his true feelings also appears cold towards other family members. You can still cope with this as a couple, but having children also requires certain emotional conditions: the ability to sympathize and understand other people’s emotions.
Proximity. What connects us with the people we love most? That's right - feelings, desires, preferences, goals, fears. Only by voicing this can close relationships be built.
Honesty. Others know nothing about character if it is not reflected through emotions. How then can we learn to appreciate and love each other?

How to express positive and negative emotions?

Health. This last point is very important. Many physiological problems are associated with unexpressed feelings. Even if diseases do not develop, failures still often occur. Many people are no strangers to eating disorders. One of its reasons is the replacement of emotions with food. In addition, suppressing emotions causes many painful sensations throughout the body. Headache can also be one of the signs.

How to express your emotions correctly: a psychologist explains

One day a client asked a psychologist: “Why are these emotions and feelings of yours needed at all? I wish I didn’t feel anything at all...”

Emotions are necessary, they help us survive, adjust relationships and even distinguish lies from truth. But we don’t always want to and sometimes we don’t know how to use them correctly. We ignore, restrain, express partially or completely exaggerate.

And such handling of emotions, although familiar, is dangerous. What is the threat?

Psychosomatics

An emotion is a reaction that must be responded to in word, in action, in behavior. For example, a friend tells the same joke over and over again. We analyze the situation: “This has already happened, it’s not funny at all, and in general it infuriates me.” The emotion of irritation enters your body, is processed, and then it must come out. In the form of words or actions.

But what do some people do? They remain silent, suppress their irritation, say nothing, do nothing, because they are afraid to offend the person, they are afraid to ask to tell them something else, they do not dare to change the topic.

What happens in this case? The emotion, without leaving the body, travels through the limbic system and enters the organs. And any organs always need normal blood circulation and innervation (supply with nerve cells). In our case, these processes are disrupted. And consequently, the organs suffer. This is where diseases arise, ranging from acne to autoimmune diseases.

Complicating relationships

By expressing your emotions in a timely and correct manner, saying what you think, what you feel, how you feel, you help your partner change or regulate their behavior. How it works? If you do not express emotions correctly, there may be distortions in communication:

When suppressing emotions - omissions. For example, a husband came home from work and scattered dirty socks. You think: “Oh, how this pisses me off! This is disrespect for my work. Come on, I won’t scold him, I’ll clean up after him.” And remain silent, clean up, despite the fact that it is unpleasant for you. You did not tell your husband about your condition. What information does the husband receive? “Oh, cool! She didn't pay attention to it. So I can continue to do this.” What have you given by your silence? Incorrect information. By giving a person distorted information about his condition, we are essentially deceiving him. This means that relationships cannot be built normally.
With excessive, expressive expression of emotions - fights. The expressive form here refers to violent communication - insults, threats, slaps, beatings. Let's go back to the same socks. “Well, he drove me crazy with his socks! How can you be so indifferent? - you are indignant at yourself. And he is indifferent because you are silent. No one will ever guess what you think to yourself; people are lazy about doing this. And when he once again throws his socks, you slam him with a frying pan, or slap him in the face, or simply shout, insulting him.

The expression of emotions in a violent form often arises due to long-term suppression of these same emotions. Remember how we like to talk? “It’s boiling!” What does a violent form of expressing emotions lead to? The person begins to fear you and your feelings. And therefore there is no improvement in relations either. The best antidote to misunderstandings and abusive communication is the timely expression of emotions in small portions. And you won’t offend or hurt anyone - the main thing is to do everything correctly.

How to correctly and effectively express your emotions?

It is very important in any communication to try to show the maximum of positive emotions that arise in you at one time or another. These emotions must be real, not forced or invented.

Many people still experience dual emotions. For example, fear of praise, fear of showing interest or shame of love. They block the natural behavior of the individual. And the reason for this is the aura of Soviet education: “Don’t praise the child - you’ll spoil him,” “Don’t write first, a man shouldn’t know that you like him,” etc.

Not all families, fortunately, had such upbringing. For example, in mine they didn’t instill either the first or the second, but for quite a long time I believed that a girl has no right to confess her love first. When I was seventeen, it dawned on me that this thought was irrational, and I invited the guy I liked on a date. I didn’t regret it.

Now let's go over the emotions.

Love, sympathy, admiration

Don't be afraid to praise your partner. No, he is not arrogant, his self-esteem is not off the charts (self-esteem is generally formed in childhood, and inflated self-esteem is most often a defense mechanism against humiliation and becomes a consequence of low self-esteem). On the contrary, he will love you even more, appreciate you, listen to you, and want to communicate with you more often. It is useful and effective to say more often: “You are so cool, you know so much,” “You accomplish so much,” “You are so sensitive, gentle,” “I feel very calm with you.”

Do not spare positive emotions. It inspires people. You can't even imagine how much.

Interest

Sometimes we are afraid to show interest because we are afraid of violating personal boundaries. Don't be afraid for the other person. After all, he also has a tongue!

For example, if I see that my friend doesn’t write to me for a long time, doesn’t call me, she looks kind of sad in the photographs, I, of course, will ask if everything is fine with her. And if I get a rebuff (for example: “I don’t feel like talking right now”), I will know that we will talk later, when she is in the mood. A person sometimes even waits to be asked about his condition, but remains silent because he does not dare to violate the personal space of another.

Anger

Must be expressed in verbal and at the same time non-verbal forms. Verbal form - in the form of words, non-verbal - in the form of a stern voice, a strict posture, so that the person immediately understands: you are not to be trifled with, you will not allow yourself to be sat on your neck. The interlocutor should feel a slight fear from interacting with you.

What to do and say if you are angry?

We list the facts that you don’t like in the words and behavior of another person: - Dima, you didn’t wash the dishes and littered the floor.
We say that this makes you angry: - It makes me angry / infuriates / drives me crazy / I can’t stand it.
We indicate what need of yours this violates: - It’s unpleasant for me to enter such a kitchen and it’s unpleasant for me to cook in such conditions.
We make a specific, clear request about what he needs to do and so that this does not happen again in the future: “Please clean up after yourself.”

In situations with a child, it is sometimes useful to add what bad consequences his inaction will bring. Children always ask why and why. So you answer. For example: “If you don’t help me tidy up my toys, I’ll have to do it alone and I’ll get tired. This means I won’t be able to take a walk with you in the evening / read you a book at night.”

Shame, anxiety, uncertainty

Contagious emotions. If you begin to express them in non-verbal form: fiddling with buttons, dropping objects, stuttering, everyone around you will experience this shame/excitement along with you, they will feel embarrassed.

To avoid this, you should immediately, without leaving the cash register, admit to the audience: “You know, I’m so worried,” “I’m ashamed,” “You’re all so well-read and cool here, I’m afraid I’ll blurt out the wrong thing.” What will happen? And everything is very simple. People will immediately rush to console you, and the tension will magically subside.

Open the world of your own emotions

The ability to recognize your feelings is not only possible, it must be trained. To do this you can:

Observe what bodily sensations occur in a certain situation. For example, a common feeling is a lump in the throat. You need to track this and try not to suppress it - go for this discomfort and allow it to manifest itself. Let the tears fall - if necessary.

Observe what bodily sensations occur in a certain situation. For example, a common feeling is a lump in the throat. You need to track this and try not to suppress it - go for this discomfort and allow it to manifest itself. Let the tears fall - if necessary.

Observe what bodily sensations occur in a certain situation. For example, a common feeling is a lump in the throat. You need to track this and try not to suppress it - go for this discomfort and allow it to manifest itself. Let the tears fall - if necessary.
Observe what bodily sensations occur in a certain situation. For example, a common feeling is a lump in the throat. You need to track this and try not to suppress it - go for this discomfort and allow it to manifest itself. Let the tears fall - if necessary.

These workouts will give good results over time.

How to regain the ability to feel?

Accordingly, it is very important to reveal your sensory sphere. How exactly? Just two points.

First: learn to be aware of how you feel.
Second: learn to express it.

There is a wonderful practice for this - “Diary of Feelings”. Stop at least five times throughout the day and ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now? What is happening to me? What condition am I in?

Then write the result in your diary.

Surprisingly, many answer these questions extremely simply: “I don’t know.” This is a signal that there is difficulty in feeling!

Then ask yourself another question: “What am I feeling in my body now?” It will be much easier to answer. For example: “I feel heaviness in my body (tension, lightness, warmth, cold, pain, spasm” or, perhaps, on the contrary: “I am relaxed.”

Based on this feeling, try to determine what you really feel. If there is relaxation, then most likely behind it lies joy, a state of pleasure, satisfaction. Whereas tension reveals irritation, fears, and so on. Do you understand the logic?

If you do this practice for at least a month, your consciousness will automatically begin to pay attention to such things. This is the beginning of contact with ourselves. We must remember that the body and feelings never deceive!

Recognizing Negative Experiences

Many psychological attitudes originate in childhood and adolescence. One of the most unpleasant, but at the same time widespread: “Why should I express my feelings, no one takes them seriously.” Most often this is started by parents, but it can also “grow up” at school.

Another belief is often instilled among children: “If I behave sincerely, everyone will laugh at me.”

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These psychological traps can haunt you throughout your life. There is a certainty that emotions are dangerous. But, if you look around, it becomes clear: such thoughts are no longer relevant.

Limiting programs in our minds

Let's move forward. The time has come to realize that, in addition to bodily and sensory limitations, we are influenced by attitudes or, as I also call them, negative suggestions. We receive them both from the outside world and from ourselves. This brings us to where we started: where Impostor Syndrome comes from.

So, bodily limitations plunge us into a state of unpreparedness for happiness. The inability to experience and express feelings does not allow us to have anything. And finally, consciousness, squeezed by artificial frameworks, makes us unworthy of great results.

The attitudes and programs that limit us are varied. They can be:

generic, inherited from ancestors and sitting in the subconscious. For example, if your grandfather or great-grandfather was dispossessed, then inside you probably have an attitude that living in abundance is dangerous;
own, acquired during life. They, in turn, are also divided into two parts:
coming from external sources. Here is what we “spied” on someone. For example, my parents said this all the time, but we remembered it. If a person has been taught since childhood to “be modest and keep a low profile,” then he is unlikely to take a leadership position, even if he secretly dreams of it;
accepted based on their life experience. “I was deceived, now I don’t trust anyone”, “A woman betrayed me - from now on I don’t trust all women.” And everything like that.

This is how we begin to create restrictions that slow us down. To remove them, you need to expand your consciousness by clearing it of malware.

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Time to show vulnerability

An effective way to get rid of old attitudes is to recognize them and take a step towards them. Afraid of being vulnerable? No problem, I'll show it. You can start slowly and carefully with everyday situations:

honestly tell your loved one that today the mood is at zero;
allow yourself to be indignant that the garbage has not been taken out, despite the agreement;
I must admit that it’s a shame when someone forgets an important date.

The main thing is that it must be sincere. Suppressing feelings is really just a means of self-defense. It is everyday situations that show that nothing bad is happening. Self-confidence will gradually appear.

Here we must admit: in some relationships, when showing feelings, there is a feeling that the wrong person is nearby. The more you try to be honest, the worse it gets. Who should not open up emotionally and what relationships should you gradually leave?

In such situations you need to be wary:

when a person abuses trust and distributes personal information without permission;
when a person does not take feelings seriously;
when the interlocutor is too self-centered and turns an important conversation to discussing his problems.

If this is repeated systematically, contact must either be interrupted or kept at a distance. Yes, that's possible. To free up time and energy for people with whom relationships develop the way you want.

Why does a person experience emotions?

The main reason why people have emotions is that they help build relationships and connect them with each other. It would be difficult for people to properly coordinate their goals if they did not love, fear, trust, and have a sense of pride.

People are predisposed to experience certain feelings that are necessary not only for survival and relationship building, but also for everyday life. Without emotions they would live like robots. Work would be monotonous, like all of life. Emotions color our world.

Disgust

If I asked you to list the things that disgust you, what would you list? My list is something like this (I think yours is somewhere close):

Vomit
Rotten meat
Poop

Do you feel bad now? Me too…)))

We are disgusted by things that we consider “bad,” be it rotten food or cockroaches in the bathroom. In pre-modern civilizations, the feeling of disgust was a great gift because it prevented people from eating spoiled food, getting sick and dying from it.

Each of us has our own threshold of disgust, just like our own threshold of pain that we can endure.

Psychologists have found that the more disgusting a person is with everything, the more inclined he is to judge other people. So interestingly, American researchers have discovered that the threshold of disgust is directly related to the political preferences of people in their country: conservatives, for example, are easily disgusted, but liberals can easily eat all sorts of rubbish. This is a joke (about liberals).

Breathe correctly

Breathing is closely related to how we feel. With the help of certain breathing exercises you can evoke a particular emotion. There are a large number of breathing practices today, but the basis of any one is inhalation and exhalation.

It is possible to achieve a peaceful state through slow, deep inhalations and exhalations. And with the help of rapid or, on the contrary, bated breathing, you can enter the expressive-emotional state you need.

Of course, this does not exhaust the techniques for managing emotions. Try, train, look for what suits you, and most importantly, enjoy the conscious manifestation of your multifaceted personality!

Master the anchoring technique

This technique comes from neuro-linguistic programming, but it has taken root in the acting world because it easily helps you enter the desired emotional state. Its essence is to perform certain ritual actions.

Think back to a time in the past when you experienced a particular emotion. Close your eyes, immerse yourself in the memory and find the necessary feeling within yourself. When the emotion becomes strong enough, do something: cross your fingers or stamp your feet.

To consolidate the effect, this exercise must be done several times. Now you can easily enter the emotional state you need when needed.

Waiting/Anticipation

Anticipation is an emotion involving pleasure, excitement, or anxiety when we wait for something to happen. Physiologically, it can feel similar to fear—rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms—in this case, we understand what kind of emotion we are experiencing based on the context of the situation.

If you are about to buy your dream car it will be excitement , if you are about to go on stage and speak in front of a large audience it may be anxiety and if you are about to go on a first date with someone it may be a mixture of both .

Each person will react differently to the experience of anticipation. Stage fright is a good example of how much this emotion can change our physiology - the inability to speak, the “frozenness”, the blankness in your head in the exact place where you previously remembered the words.

If you find yourself experiencing too much anxiety (before the same performance), here's what you can do to get your anxiety under control:

Start breathing deeply
Relax the muscles (start with the toes and end with the muscles of the upper eyelids and brow muscles)
Start counting the objects in the room you are in

Anger

Psychological research has identified three causes of anger:

- when our desires, goals or expectations are not met/fulfilled,

- when we feel threatened and/or

- when we use anger to mask other emotions.

You know that feeling like your blood is boiling? This is how you feel a chemical reaction: your body releases adrenaline in response to stress.

One of the first things that happens when you feel anger is your fight or flight response. If you're a low-conflict person or you're in a situation (like at work, for example) where you don't feel comfortable showing your anger, your instinct will tell you that it's better to move away from the source of your problem.

Otherwise, your body chooses to react with a fight, which manifests itself in the form of your anger. You raise your voice, make accusations, defend yourself, and display aggressive body language. Aggression is harmful and irrational, but we do it anyway because when we get angry, our perception of risk and danger decreases.

Although anger, or rather the stress it causes, is a trigger for many illnesses, there are actually benefits to allowing yourself to feel anger and experiencing this ancient emotion.

Anger makes us more focused on the goal. We get angry when things don't go the way we wanted, and this feeling increases our desire to get what we are struggling to get, be it a career promotion we feel we deserve or satisfaction in an argument. . This is why anger is considered a critical point in overcoming life's adversities. When you're upset because everything is going wrong, when you feel like the whole world is against you, anger is the fuel that drives you to prove everyone wrong. This is why we feel so highly motivated when we want to prove to our “detractors” that they are wrong.
When we get angry, we become optimistic. It sounds contradictory, I agree, but anger makes us think much more positively about our future. This is because when we are angry, we feel in control of the situation. Researchers made people afraid and angry, and then asked them questions about achieving their goals. Angry participants accepted the challenge because they were focused on how to achieve what they wanted, while fearful participants were constrained by the possibility of failure.
Anger increases creativity. The next time you feel angry, put your energy into working on a difficult task. Research shows that when you're angry, you experience increased energy levels and your thought process becomes more flexible, allowing you to come up with more and more original ideas than you could come up with in your normal neutral state.