How to survive a divorce with two children and stay strong ⇒ Blog of Yaroslav Samoilov

It happens that a family ceases to exist.
The couple is forced to separate. We will not now go into details and find out the reasons for what happened, or consider possible options for the development of further events. Taking into account divorce as a fait accompli, let’s think about how everything that happened in the family will affect the children. How to survive a divorce with two children? From this article you will learn:

How divorce affects children
How does a woman with two children usually experience divorce?
How to survive a divorce with two children and cope with stress
What tips will help you survive a divorce with two children?

How does divorce affect children?

Many people think that divorce will definitely bring suffering to children, that children should be raised in a complete family, with mom and dad living together. And it doesn’t matter what the psychological situation in the house is.

This opinion may be formed in connection with the attitude that children take over the role of father and mother. It is believed that only in a complete family will a child receive full parental attention.

Many people sincerely believe that in order for a child to be able to build personal relationships and create his own home, a complete family is needed. Examples are taken of movie plots, fiction, and “horror stories” told by friends.

In connection with divorce, an association arises - scandal, conflict, suffering of children and adults. It is no secret that quite a few married couples create the illusion of a relationship because of their children together. How can parents live separately, because the poor child will receive psychological trauma?!

And to be precise, many people did not even try to lift the “curtain” and guess what would happen next. This is not discussed: it is very scary and should not be like this. And family relationships, albeit with signs of dysfunction in the form of spouses who have grown cold towards each other, continue.

We need to ask children who grew up in families where mom and dad kept the “family” together for their sake, what they think about this. Did they feel good in it and were they grateful to their parents for their “feat”?

Children are very sensitive to the atmosphere prevailing in the family. It seems to the child that he is to blame for the unhappiness of his parents, for their hatred of each other. This feeling of guilt does not leave children for many years.

Parental rights and responsibilities do not end with divorce. If marital ties are severed, the children do not cease to be children of their parents.

Only adults can build an educational process after they get divorced, and it is up to them how their relationship will develop.

It's none of your business

You are now not one whole. You used to listen to all his long stories about his plans, worries and hobbies. But now everything has changed. You don't need this anymore. No, of course, you can call a couple of times a month and chat a little. If you still have some common hobbies, you can also maintain communication. But everyone will write messages on social networks about all sorts of nonsense - feel free to blacklist them. Will he ask why? And not why, just like that. It's none of his business. Now you are not on the same path, your paths have diverged. He now has his own path, and you have yours. Remind him of this often.

How does a woman with two children usually experience divorce?

According to statistics, more than 60% of marriages break up within the first five years of living together. Even in today’s society with a touch of feminism, it is much more difficult for a woman to survive a divorce (including if she initiated it herself) due to vulnerability and sensitivity. This is explained by some psychological factors:

Girls are characterized by family orientation, establishing life, coziness and comfort, maintaining a family hearth. Men tend to give preference to work, therefore, after separating from their spouse, they are completely immersed in the work process. Women, left alone, often blame themselves for not being able to maintain warmth in the relationship.
It’s more difficult for my wife to restore her personal life, and she doesn’t know how she can survive the divorce with a child in her arms. This happens because representatives of the stronger sex are in no hurry to take responsibility for raising children.
After a divorce, a child is almost always left with the mother, therefore, she has double responsibility.

Of course, this is not a dogma. A second marriage is often much more successful than the first, and the new spouse turns out to be a loving and caring father. How the situation is perceived and how much a woman is able to withstand will determine how she can survive a divorce with a child and move on with her life. Some psychologists believe that after a divorce, a woman goes through several stages, which in terms of the depth of her experiences are similar to the death of a loved one.

Shock.
The woman has no sense of the reality of what is happening, so there is no way to do anything to eliminate the problem. The ensuing period of numbness is replaced by absolute apathy and unwillingness to bear responsibility. Behind the indifferent look lies deep shock. A woman can remain in a state of shock from 1-2 days to several months. Even those wives who initiated the divorce themselves experience shock. The best way out of the situation is awareness and assessment of what happened. You need to understand your emotions in order to survive a divorce.
Resentment.
This stage is characterized by the onset of awareness of reality, memory refreshes grievances inflicted in the past, and unanswered questions emerge. Then a feeling of anger and resentment arises, which extends not only to herself, but also to those around her husband (his family and friends). Outbursts of aggression are not controlled, and the emerging desire for revenge makes it difficult to gather thoughts and think about how to survive a divorce with young children. All this hinders further movement forward.
Guilt.
A woman, feeling guilty for breaking up a relationship, begins to look for options on how to turn back time. She wants to revive lost feelings and regrets what she said. If you give in to this impulse, you can fall into depression, which will lead to self-destruction, and going through a divorce will be much more difficult.
Awareness.
The stage of understanding what happened comes, and with this comes unbearable mental pain. If you cannot cope with this condition, you should seek help from a psychotherapist. A person who is constantly depressed will not be able to move forward towards his happiness.
Adoption.
Returning to a full life, where there will be new acquaintances, dreams and far-reaching plans, will be possible if you accept all the changes that have occurred. The woman gains freedom, and with it the benefits of what happened. All accumulated negativity goes away, and the grievances inflicted turn into a source of energy.

It is impossible to solve the question of how to survive a divorce with two children the same age without going through all the stages one by one. It is possible to overcome all stages on average within one year after the breakup.

How to go through all these stages in order to go through a divorce as painlessly as possible:

How do ex-spouses feel?

When thinking about the ideal environment for raising children, the loving two-parent model comes to mind. But in reality, many marriages break up.

Co-parents are forced to build a new life, adjusted for the need to raise children, living in two houses. New rules arise that require different thinking and different actions.

After a divorce, the behavior of ex-spouses is influenced by emotions and feelings that naturally arise when a relationship breaks down.

How does the man feel?

A divorced guy rarely receives support from others, especially if he is the initiator of the breakup.
If it is customary to support and feel sorry for the abandoned woman, then the man is left alone with his thoughts and experiences . He probably assumed that life would change after the divorce. But envisioning and experiencing changes in practice are two different things.

In marriage, life is structured in a certain way. Household responsibilities are divided or were on women's shoulders. After a divorce, a man must manage the household himself. He is surprised to discover that the food does not cook itself, food items are not added to the refrigerator, and the pile of dishes does not decrease. Deprivation of familiar comfort unsettles a man, makes him irritable and less effective at work.

Often after a divorce, the ex-husband must move to another place. Moving creates hassle, deprives you of peace of mind, and causes stress. Therefore, the ex-spouse often feels “out of place” after the breakup of the family. He acts illogically, acts chaotically, and is irritated due to the need to organize his life.

If the initiator of the separation was a woman, then the man’s experiences are filled with drama . Disappointment, a feeling of loss, resentment, regret about one’s own mistakes, bitterness for wasted time, longing for children grip a person’s emotional world.

Without the opportunity to cry and speak out, a man pushes his experiences deep into the subconscious. Suppressed, unprocessed emotions result in psychosomatic illnesses, alcohol abuse, and gambling addiction.

Woman's feelings

The post-divorce stage is a period of emotional chaos. A divorced woman wants to find out why the family broke up , find those responsible, take revenge on the offender, or punish herself. She seeks to prove to her ex-husband that he was mistaken, to convince others of his depravity and inhumanity.

If there are common children, the relationship cannot be completed. They often create an irresistible certain mental background. A woman lives in the past, not in reality, and does not think about the future.

The ex-wife often takes a belligerent, hateful position. He does everything to poison and complicate the existence of his ex-partner.

Other women calmly endure the breakup, do not panic, and do not throw hysterics . They act adequately for the well-being of children. Still others fall into despair, obsessively thinking: “Who needs a divorcee, and even with a child?” Low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of loneliness are typical characteristics of a woman after a divorce.

How to survive a divorce with two children and cope with stress

In order to have the strength to support a child in this difficult moment, adults need to first think about themselves. The stress that divorce leads to for both spouses requires taking certain measures to help their own bodies cope with it.

Otherwise, you can easily lose control in the current uncontrollable emotional crisis. Not only your own condition will be at risk, but also the child’s feelings, to which you need to respond.

Undoubtedly, the process of mental suffering over a breakup can drag on for a long time.

In some cases, there is a desire to pour out your soul to your child, especially if he is already an adult and is able to understand you. This risks turning the child into a “vest”, and this should not happen. Due to his age, he will not be able to fully become her, since the level of his mental development is different.

In any case, you remain your child’s parent, albeit to some extent a friend, but still an adult on whom he can rely. The child will feel completely unprotected if you show too much despair and hopelessness. Children, realizing that even mom and dad don’t know what to do, may decide that their fate is bleak.

The child’s psyche during this difficult period should not be overloaded with excessive emotionality. Although, emotions need to be expressed, so you definitely need to just talk it out to someone and cry.

It will be better if you throw out all your emotions by talking with a friend, friend or loved one. You can turn to a professional (psychologist) - a person who adequately perceives the information received from you, without criticizing or giving useless advice.

After a divorce, parents are faced with so much anxiety that they often forget about the experiences and needs of the child. It may be the other way around - adults completely immerse themselves in children in order to distract themselves and escape from reality. This tactic of switching attention is partly correct, but for it you need to find another object. The ideal would be to maintain the same balance in relation to the child as before the divorce.

Adult mistakes and their psychological consequences for children

After a divorce, ex-spouses often build an incorrect model of interaction between themselves and their children. Typical mistakes of former partners and their consequences are described below.

Problem : Adults do not listen or hear children. While sorting things out, they forget about the worries, problems, difficulties, and experiences of children and teenagers. They do not encourage children to talk openly about their thoughts, desires, and moods. They are confident that everything is fine with the offspring, despite the lack of attempts to obtain evidence.
Consequence : Feeling of one’s own “uselessness”, low self-esteem. The desire to gain the attention of parents in a non-functional way (for example, using symptoms of illness). An attempt to find attention to one’s own personality among peers, joining antisocial youth groups.

Problem : A divorced parent is trying to erase the past. He is focused on building the future, while neglecting the feelings of the heir. He is not interested in the child maintaining a strong relationship with his ex-partner.
Consequence : The child feels superfluous to the parent with whom he lives. The teenager begins to argue, refuses to fulfill the adult’s fair demands, and acts out of spite, contrary to the voice of reason. A boy or girl loses interest in studies, sports, and hobbies. The boy makes attempts to get closer to his other parents, behaves demonstratively, feignedly.

Problem : Throwing mud at your ex-spouse. Trying to get kids to take their side. Blaming, ridiculing, criticizing another person within earshot of the guys. Using toddlers and teenagers to make your ex angry.
Consequence : Acceptance of either the prosecution or the accused. Depending on the choice of the “authoritative person,” the child shows disrespect and contempt for the other parent. The personal portrait of a teenager changes. He becomes rude, hostile, and confrontational. Problems arise in children's groups. Brought up in an environment of baseless accusations and humiliation of other people, the child becomes the instigator of bullying and initiates bullying of weak classmates.

Problem : Overt messages or hints with context that the child is to blame for the parents' divorce.
Consequence : Development of depressive disorders. In adolescence, ideas of guilt are the cause of suicidal behavior. The self-esteem of a boy or girl suffers significantly. A person who is convinced of his own guilt does not succeed in life, because he is confident that he lacks the ability to implement a worthwhile project.

Problem : Withholding information. Hiding significant events or important issues from children.
Consequence : The child withdraws into himself and refuses to communicate with peers. His efforts are aimed at searching for traits in his own personality that can explain mistrust on the part of his parents.

How to help children get through divorce

The child's psyche is especially sensitive to the slightest changes and coolness that arises between parents.

On an unconscious level, they tend to relate themselves equally to dad and mom (50% to 50%). When people speak badly about one of their parents in front of them, they perceive it as a personal insult. There is no need to ask or force the child to make a choice in someone else’s favor. By forcing him to choose who he loves more, you can traumatize him. All criticism coming from one of the spouses is automatically transferred to the child, who does not know how to separate himself from his father or mother. And the desire to please mom or dad develops into an internal conflict, which over time turns into severe mental trauma.

It is necessary to reduce the child's experiences to a minimum. They cannot be ignored; all doubts and fears experienced by him should be discussed. You shouldn't keep your divorce a secret, it will only make things worse. Answer all children’s questions as truthfully as possible, making it clear that he is not to blame for what happened.

Each case is very individual, and there are no specific, unambiguous solutions to how to survive a divorce with a child. Everything will depend on how mutual understanding and trust is established in the family. The main thing is for the child to understand that even after the divorce, parental love for him will not decrease.

Children's perception of the world around them is based on their parents' attitude towards it. How you react to what is happening determines the degree of change in their lives. Panic, aggression, depression of the mother will lead to complete collapse in the children's world. The child must be reassured that he is completely safe. This means you need to surround him with love, be relaxed and calm yourself. Believe it yourself, because only a happy mother with excellent mental health will raise a happy child.

To ease the experience, you need to share responsibility between husband and wife. For example, the spouse picks you up from school and spends the weekend with the child, and the spouse accompanies you to classes in the morning and helps with homework.

Allow yourself to be weak

If you spend 24 hours a day grieving about what happened, you may actually believe that you are unhappy. Do not engage in self-destruction, drive away sad thoughts. Make a personal agreement - you will allow yourself to cry and even cry out loud for just one hour a week. Women's tears are an amazing thing; when they dry, they take away the darkness and, like the wind, dispel the clouds.

The deferment method will help you focus on everyday problems. The most important thing is that you have a meaning in life - your child, who needs your love now more than ever.

Everyone is right in their own way

One can understand her: before maternity leave, she was building a career, was included in social life, no one limited her movements and desires. And now everything has changed. Yes, she should be happy that she now has a baby or two. But it’s difficult for her to carry everything on herself. She is tired and also wants to be held.

Add to this the issues of health and external attractiveness: it is only in the movies and on Instagram that pregnancy and childbirth fly by magically and do not leave behind a torn body, stretch marks and mood swings. But in life, filters, alas, are not available. Just a year ago she was a beautiful doe, after which men would break their necks. And now she's more like a sad panda with huge circles under her eyes. If people turn around after her on the street, it is only to offer help or give her a business card from a doctor they know.

Go to catalog

The man is also right in his own way. He was tired, he was hunting a mammoth. Previously, he ran like a saiga, but now he is limited. He had already gotten out of the habit of asking for time off somewhere, but now he has to do it again. Plus, he still feels responsible, because payments for the mortgage, utility bills, purchases of food and clothing have not been canceled. Yes, there is a child benefit, but it is enough to live only in the dreams of deputies.

In a word, mutual claims, fatigue, and a feeling of being driven into a corner make themselves felt.

Legal side of the issue

Divorce with two minor children significantly complicates the entire procedure. However, if the decision to divorce was made mutually, and both spouses have common views on the division of jointly acquired property, as well as on raising children, then it is quite possible to get a divorce without any problems.

But if there is no mutual agreement between the wife and husband (which happens most often), then it is unlikely that it will be possible to avoid the trial. In this case, it is recommended to divorce only under the guidance of an experienced lawyer whose qualifications are sufficient to protect your interests.

There are two ways to terminate a relationship: through the registry office or by going to court.