In psychology, the breakup of a love affair is called the loss of a relationship. At this time, girls have to go through different stages.
The sequence of stages of separation is clear, the periods always follow one after another. The stages differ from each other in duration, the emotional state of the woman, and the actions she performs. Each person experiences each stage differently, but they all have common features.
Stage one. Mental anesthesia
Immediately after a divorce, a person experiences a real shock - it is difficult for him to understand what happened, so he continues to live as before. He fills his life with usual activities, sometimes communicates with his ex-spouse, believing that everything is about to become the same again.
This reaction is a kind of fuse built into our psyche, which prevents grief from destroying it in an instant. At this stage, there is still no strength to think about a new, completely different future.
Article on the topic
A bad peace is better than a good quarrel. How to learn to live without offense?
Denial stage
The person does not want to come to terms with reality. It seems to him that everything is happening in a fog. Consciousness becomes tunnel-like. People, events, things and activities that were previously interesting fade into the background. The only desire that arises in my head is to get my ex-husband back.
The idea becomes obsessive. In this case, any common sense is ignored. A person makes decisions impulsively, without relying on logic. For example, an alcoholic husband who beat and humiliated leaves a woman. Instead of being happy, she tries to win him back, ignoring her feelings, needs and desires.
What to do? The most important thing is not to be alone and return to reality. If possible, ask your loved ones for help, talk to them.
The following technique will also help reduce the severity of the experience. Sit in front of the mirror and start telling yourself how the breakup happened. Try to describe everything down to the smallest detail, starting with how you noticed oddities in your partner’s behavior and ending with today’s moment. Repeat the monologue 10–15 times. Repeated retelling will help calm you down.
Stage two. Resentment and anger
They appear when a person finally understands what happened. And then aggression naturally arises towards the spouse, and sometimes towards everyone around. Usually it is at this stage that a stormy showdown of relationships, an ugly division of property, and manipulations related to children begin.
All this is an important stage of experience. The fact is that any feelings that you experience for your ex-husband, even if it is hatred or a desire for revenge, bind you together, so a high degree of clarification of the relationship indicates that you are still close and it is difficult for you to let each other go. But you need to go through this stage so that later you won’t be ashamed of your actions.
To do this, try to find a way out for aggression. Sports have a very good effect. Any exercise will do, as long as it causes fatigue, then you simply won’t have enough strength for negative emotions.
To throw out aggression, you can hit a punching bag or simply beat a pillow, break a plate, or scream. Just do this alone so as not to scare others, especially children.
You also need to realize that resentment is a child’s reaction aimed at getting what you want, for example, getting your husband back, that is, a kind of manipulation. Then it becomes clear that it is useless to be offended: during a divorce, the course is set on separation, and not on preserving the relationship.
Quarrel does not lead to good things. How to resolve contradictions by avoiding conflict Read more
Letters will help you get rid of grievances faster. Describe all your complaints against your ex, and then write an answer to yourself on his behalf. It’s better to write a lot of such letters, but you don’t need to show them to anyone. It’s better to just burn the paper you’ve written on, imagining that everything bad turns into ashes.
Another way to say goodbye to resentment is to turn on your imagination. Imagine that your entire inner world is an ocean, and your feelings are its inhabitants: dolphins, beautiful fish, corals. And a huge monster settled among them - resentment, anger and aggression. Now think about why this monster lives in the ocean. Maybe it protects its inhabitants? Or is he a nurse of the deep sea and without him the ocean will die? Feel gratitude, compassion and love for this monster. After all, this is your creation and an important part of your inner world. Try to imagine what makes him happy. Maybe he dives into the darkest abysses and knows what secrets they hide? Or maybe it occasionally comes onto land to breathe in the fresh wind and even fly into the clouds?
As soon as a person begins to love his negative feelings, self-love awakens in him, which is so necessary for any suffering creature.
Article on the topic
Symptoms of separation. 9 signs that a woman is about to leave
Common reasons for divorce
Whatever one may say, the main reasons why hundreds of families break up every year are banal. Among them:
- domestic conflicts;
- financial problems;
- cooling of feelings;
- sexual dissatisfaction;
- youth and inexperience of partners;
- betrayal;
- alcoholism, drug addiction;
- childlessness.
Any reason entails a conflict, which, if not resolved, turns into protracted misunderstanding and inability to find a compromise. Numerous quarrels and scandals devastate both partners, and it happens that, it seems, the conflict has already been resolved, but there is no longer a desire to be together.
Stage four. Bright sadness and building the future
This is the final stage of the experience, when you are almost ready to let go of your partner. At this time, it is useful to imagine that you are connected by invisible strings, which you break one by one, allowing your loved one to move further and further away. It is important to break the threads right down the middle so that each spouse can take their other half with them. Wave your hand at his retreating silhouette, smile goodbye, imagine that he is smiling back at you.
When negative emotions have subsided, people often begin to miss their ex-spouses. In this case, it is important to understand what exactly you are missing. Perhaps you are not longing for the departed person, but for some pleasant things that are associated with him. For example, on joint trips, trips to cafes, or just quiet family evenings. Think about how you can get it all yourself. This will help lay down new tracks for your life. You can again imagine the retreating silhouette of your ex-husband or wife and imagine that all the threads coming from you that once led to your ex-spouse have connected with your “improved” image - the way you imagine him in the future, confident, happy, peaceful . By doing this, you seem to be giving yourself the support that you once received from your partner.
Silver scam. Why long-term marriages break up Read more
It’s good if during this period you find the strength to forgive your ex-spouse and make some concessions to him. But not in order to return him, but to let him go in peace. This gives great inner strength. When you do good deeds, you feel like a good person, and at the time of divorce this is very important. After all, someone who has been abandoned often begins to think that this happened because he is bad in some way: ugly, quarrelsome or lazy.
Moreover, nothing binds more strongly than unforgiven grievances. They interfere with the natural course of things: when the old dies and the new is born. Like inhale and exhale, forgive and let go—exhale. And thereby give yourself the opportunity to breathe new life, events, happiness.
Article on the topic
Mom, dad and divorce. How can a child cope with the stress of parents separating?
How to get over a divorce from your husband easier - working with emotions
Regardless of whether the relationship between husband and wife was bad or good, people psychologically adapt to any version of the family norm, which can be very difficult for them to abandon. Having been deprived of what has hitherto been the basis of her life (marital life), a woman almost loses the ability to think rationally and spends a large amount of time on soul-searching. Is it possible to avoid senseless tossing and turning and how can a woman survive a divorce from her husband without losing self-respect? Here are some recommendations from those who have already gone through a breakup:
- Emotional outburst. Betrayal by a loved one causes a natural negative output reaction in a partner, blocking which is dangerous for mental health. A woman needs to cry, take out her resentment on her husband’s personal belongings left at home, and speak out to someone who is ready to listen to her without reciprocal condemnation.
- Graceful communication. In the post-divorce period, a girl needs to meet more often with friends who, in such a situation, take a neutral position or are on the side of the victim. Communication with friends of the spouse, who can convey distorted information about the girl’s words and behavior to her ex-partner, is excluded.
- Encouraging small victories. A girl can consolidate each new achievement of overcoming the next stage of the difficult path to freedom with a small gift - a pleasant purchase, a trip to the cinema, a delicious dessert. The best way to periodically lift your spirits and maintain your “fighting spirit” is shopping with your best friend.
- Flirting. Light flirting in the form of a smile or slightly expressed non-verbal signals attracts the opposite sex and allows the girl to always be in good shape. Submitting to the rules of flirting, a woman will unconsciously try to look sexually attractive, which already denies the possibility of falling into depression.
In terms of emotional manifestations, one should take into account the difference in how men and women experience divorce. Unlike male representatives, who invest most of their accumulated negative emotions into physical labor, girls are often “punished” by pouring out negativity from their relatives, which is unacceptable. This can be prevented by a simple method of psychological relaxation - having retired, the girl sits in front of the mirror, visualizes the image of her ex-husband in the reflection and expresses everything that has accumulated in her soul. After this exercise, the woman is no longer tormented by the feeling of unsaidness left after the breakup, and she is ready to move on.
How can it be easier to cope with a divorce from your husband in other ways?
Mistakes of ex-spouses
Draw a child into your relationship by telling him that his dad abandoned him, or that his mother does not feel sorry for him. It is important to convey to the child that, despite disagreements, both parents continue to love him.
Compare your life with the life of your ex-partner. Each person needs a certain time to go through all stages of experiences. Perhaps your ex was able to do it faster. Or maybe he just hasn’t yet entered the stage of resentment or despair that you are in. Stop giving your attention to his life (this only takes energy) and direct your energy to building your future destiny.
Flaunt your new relationship to make your ex-spouse jealous. This only prolongs the experience. Even if you are destined to be together again, you need to go through all the stages of separation by letting each other go. Otherwise, lingering grievances will hold you back at the stage of eternal divorce and interfere with the creation of new relationships.
What you need to know about the divorce process
Divorce is an unpleasant phenomenon. Situations where this process is celebrated occur only in films or jokes. In fact, most often divorce is accompanied by scandals, division of property and children. You can make the divorce process less painful if you know all its subtleties. All that is necessary for both partners to ensure that the divorce is peaceful is to act within the law. What do you need to know about the rules of the divorce process?
- in the absence of common children, the divorce takes place in the registry office;
- if there are common children, then they will divorce in court, and they will give a probationary period for reconciliation;
- after three months, the divorce will be carried out under any conditions;
- if parents cannot come to a mutual opinion about the residence and upbringing of minor children, then this is regulated by the court;
- The division of jointly acquired property is handled by the court.
Apathy stage
When all attempts to save a marriage end in failure, a person plunges into a state of severe emotional decline. At this stage, some people begin to develop addictions: alcohol, food, gaming. A person isolates himself from the outside world and tries to improve self-esteem or relax with the help of artificial stimulants. But it only worsens your physical and mental health.
What to do? Here it is worth understanding: saving drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. Only you can pull yourself out of the swamp of depression. Try to mentally paint a strong picture of the future, think about what you wanted to do, but didn’t have time due to being busy. If this doesn't help, seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will support you in difficult situations and help you reach a new level of life.
Anger stage
At this stage, the thirst for revenge comes into play. The person remembers all the bad things. It seems that the years devoted to marriage have gone to waste. A woman can manipulate children and do rash things.
For example, spending a large amount of money on fortune tellers and sorcerers in order to annoy your ex, spreading rumors. A man may begin to have promiscuous sex, abuse alcohol, and drive in an extreme manner. In the most severe cases, people commit crimes, trying to destroy their spouse’s new passion.
What to do? Like any other emotion, suppressing anger is extremely dangerous. It can be sublimated into sports, creativity or career. And also learn to express in safer ways: get a pillow for beating, go into the forest and scream, beat old dishes.
Eight practical tips from psychologists
To get over a breakup faster, experts recommend:
Tip #1. Cry
Tears help relieve emotional stress. Allow yourself to feel, get angry, grieve, mope. The main thing is not to get stuck in sadness and depression for a long time.
Tip #2. Leaving go
Be able to muster your will and end the relationship, even if you are not the initiator of the divorce. If your ex-other half is not averse to chatting in the evening, coming over for dinner or spending the night with you, this does not indicate an intention to save the marriage. Don't allow your feelings to be played with.
Tip #3. Don't listen to other people's advice
Find a “vest”, someone who can empathize, hug, cry with you, be silent, hold your hand. The last thing you need right now is escalation of the situation and advice. Stay close to people who can properly support you and shake you up in time.
Tip #4. Keep contact with your ex to a minimum
Remove memorabilia, photographs, and gifts from your spouse. Don't hang out on social networks on his page. Don't look for reasons to meet. Maybe, when the worries and grievances pass, you will be able to communicate and even be friends. But until then, have pity on yourself and don't pick at a fresh wound.
Tip #5. Meditate and relax
Meditation is the most effective way to interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts and tame negative emotions in the soul. Use any practice you like. You can also do yoga, soak in a hot bath, walk in the fresh air, listen to your favorite music.
Tip #6. Don't forget about your health
In a healthy body healthy mind. No matter how strong the desire to lie curled up under the blanket, you should not neglect healthy sleep for 7-8 hours, nutrition (tasty and healthy) and hygiene. Any physical activity provides excellent relaxation: hiking, sports, general cleaning.
Tip #7. Start living your life
Develop yourself. Love your solitude. Do what you like. Create your social circle. In relationships, people often “lose” themselves. Many people get a second wind after a breakup, and they make a successful career or discover new talents.
Tip #8. Don't hide in the shell
At first it will be difficult to force yourself to leave the house. At first, eat a delicious cake in a new cafe, watch a movie in a cinema. Then visit an anti-cafe, take part in quests, go to the theater with a group, and engage in group sports. The more pleasant emotions, the less time for useless regrets!
parting
Especially for women
It’s no secret that things are more difficult for a woman after a divorce, for at least two reasons. Firstly, children usually stay with their mother and it is harder for her financially. Secondly, there is a fear that the “divorce with a trailer” will not be needed by the opposite sex.
Yes, there are men who do not accept divorced women with children, but these are not the men you need. Your man will accept you for who you are, with your past and with your children. Myself and my husband are an example of such a marriage. He and my children are best friends. For more examples, see this article.
Material problems are also completely solvable. Firstly, no one canceled alimony. If the ex-husband has a decent “white” salary, there are no problems at all. He will pay child support in the amount of 25% of income for one child, 33.33% for two and 50% for three or more.
Amount of child support for one, two, three or more children
But even when the ex-husband is not officially employed, he is obliged to support his children. The Family Code of the Russian Federation directly speaks about this.
There are several options:
- the father pays a fixed amount specified in the notarized agreement;
- the father pays a percentage of the average salary in the region;
- the ex-spouse pays a percentage of unemployment benefits and other social benefits;
- the ex-husband pays a percentage of the pension, disability benefits, and so on.
Yes, sometimes we will talk about small amounts, but it is better than nothing, especially if you yourself do not work (for example, you are on maternity leave). Find support among relatives and friends who will be able to help you out in a pinch until you get hired.
Secondly, some of the material problems can be solved by the state. If you have children, contact the Social Insurance Fund and find out what payments and benefits you are entitled to. You can register with the Employment Center and receive unemployment benefits for 3 months. In general, there are options, you just need to address this issue. And God forbid you marry only to solve material problems, it will only get worse.
