Many of us are skeptical about change. We receive news with fear about changes in wages, planned staff reductions, and even more so dismissals; we cannot cope with separation, betrayal, and we are anxious about an unexpected diagnosis during a routine examination. The phase of emotions varies from person to person. The initial manifestation of the body’s protective functions is denial: “this couldn’t happen to me,” then a number of intermediate states, and at the end the realization comes: “you need to learn to live differently.” In the article, I will talk in detail about the 5 stages or main stages of accepting inevitable problems according to Shnurov - denial, anger, bargaining (comprehension), depression and humility, and will also explain how all this is related to psychology.
Five Stage Model of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
The model distinguishes the following stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. According to the Kübler-Ross theory, these stages are a normal reaction of the psyche to tragedy and correspond to variants of effective defense mechanisms that “turn on” during the period of adaptation to significant changes.
Despite the strict and fairly logical order of stages, the mental reaction does not always correspond to the described order of “denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.” Kübler-Ross herself, in her 1969 work, noted that there may be immersion in different stages of grief for different times, and a return to already lived stages is also likely. The option of “getting stuck” is also possible, which is often a signal of the need for psychotherapy.
Denial stage
The denial stage is a shock reaction in which a person refuses to believe what is happening, falling into numbness and not wanting to comprehend the information. At this stage, there is a rejection of the news, numbness, which, as a temporary defense, allows the psyche to process the received data and begin the process of adaptation to new conditions.
Characteristic
The famous French writer Anatole France said that any life changes are accompanied by sadness, because at this moment a person loses a part of himself. In other words, to start living in a new way, you need to leave your old life (relatively speaking, die).
Denial, anger, acceptance, humility - stages without which it is impossible to switch from negative to positive. Negative changes can affect any area of a person’s life - profession, personal feelings, health, etc. When an understanding of impending changes comes, fears arise that they will be negative and will have a bad impact on the quality of life.
Therefore, the reluctance to change something manifests itself in denial, the time period of which, according to various sources, ranges from several minutes to several years, although it is usually 2 months.
At first, a person does not want to understand the current situation. All his actions turn out to be spontaneous, not guided by consciousness. To others they seem illogical and not subject to common sense. However, denial is a mandatory stage of experiencing any negative situation.
A person who finds himself in a difficult situation constantly tells himself that he does not believe that this happened in his life. If serious health problems begin, he stops believing the doctors’ verdict. If it comes to problems at work, he does not believe that he will be laid off or there will be other troubles. If the basis is personal motives, the person does not believe that close people could do this to him.
Why is the stage needed and why is it dangerous?
Denial can be viewed in different ways. On the one hand, the brain does not work in conjunction with external actions, is not able to rationally process all incoming information and has a bad effect on life. But on the other hand, such a dull consciousness serves as a psychological barrier and does not allow one to plunge headlong into the problem and fully understand it.
Such inhibition helps the brain to gradually accept negative information in dosed form and draw certain conclusions. Otherwise, the brain will experience great overload.
The danger of this situation is that a person can miss not only the external manifestations of changes, but also the reaction of his body.
During this period, someone isolates themselves from society, does not talk about their troubles, closes off and does not get in touch for a long time.
At this moment, the brain, protecting a person from oppressive feelings, dulls his perception, so people practically do not react to external events - be they negative or positive.
Unfortunately, this condition can become chronic.
How to get
Denial, anger, acceptance, humility are stages that many, if not everyone, go through in life.
You can go through the stage of denial with minimal “losses” for the body only if you try to understand that during this period the body turns on its defense system. Therefore, during denial, you do not need to follow any of your internal impulses and make important decisions.
How can I help you
Since at the first stage of experiencing grief a person feels indifference to everything or is protected from everyone, you should try to establish contact with him. The goal is to bring him “to a sense” of reality. Dialogue plays a big role in this.
You can call a person for contact by asking him different questions:
- What's happened?
- What are you feeling now?
- What do you think you'll do next?
- How might what happened affect your future life?
Such a frank conversation should not be taken as an attempt to interfere in someone else's life; rather, it is an opportunity for the sufferer to look at his problem from different angles. Analyzing the situation can evoke emotions that will quickly help you return to a full life.
But sometimes it is useful to give a person some time alone with his thoughts.
Anger stage
Anger or anger appears at the stage of awareness of the reality of what happened, which causes disagreement with changes, a latent or conscious desire to find the culprit, to punish for what happened. Anyone can be accused - from himself to his superiors, doctors, government, evil forces. This stage is also characterized by increased irritability, loss of appetite, and sleep disturbances.
Three stages of depression
Typical depression includes three stages: rejection, destruction and madness.
At the rejection stage, the depressed person does not yet realize that he is suffering from depression. Such a person thinks that he is just a little tired and exhausted. He loses his appetite, he becomes bored, and he is indifferent to what is happening around him. The level of performance of such a person is significantly reduced, as he constantly feels weakness and general malaise.
☑ At the first stage of depression, the individual has the following thoughts: “I don’t care. There is no point in trying to change something, because justice is just an ephemeral concept that has nothing in common with real life. I don't want to see or hear anyone. I feel good alone! If a person does not drive such negative thoughts away, then his depressive state will quite quickly move into the second stage.
☑ Destruction as the second stage of depression is characterized by total loneliness and manic reluctance to contact other people. The body practically stops producing happiness hormones such as serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine. The increased levels of stress that the body experiences systematically at this stage negatively affect overall health. The body and psyche begin to gradually collapse!
☑ If you do not get out of depression in time, then from the second stage it smoothly flows into the third stage , which is characterized by the fact that the person begins to go crazy in the literal sense of the word. He loses touch not only with the surrounding reality, but also with himself. Some people develop schizophrenia or bipolar personality disorder.
At the stage of madness, some people become aggressive, while others remain in a permanently apathetic and indifferent state. Aggressive people often suffer from sudden outbursts of anger, anger and rage. Apathetic people often think about committing suicide, and some make attempts to make these suicidal fantasies come true.
Some people at this stage of depression experience both apathy and aggression at the same time. Such individuals not only attempt to commit suicide, but also do everything possible to harm other members of society: throwing themselves in front of a train during rush hour, gathering a crowd of people, and then jumping from a roof, etc.
Bargaining stage
At this stage, the person attempts to delay the onset of inevitable changes caused by the primary event. The reason for the bargaining stage is the desire to delay changes or find an acceptable way out of the current situation. Promises appear to yourself, to other people, to higher powers. Bargaining can also be expressed in changing relationships with loved ones for better ones, paying attention to one’s own health, passion for work, and so on.
Depression stage
Bargaining does not help return everything to the way it was. There comes an awareness of loss, which entails change. Depression and apathy appear, performance decreases, and the first stage of depressive disorder begins. Decreased motivation for any activity, uncertainty about the future, hypochondria, mood swings - all these are signs of the stage of depression. If it drags on or becomes acute, medical attention is needed.
Acceptance stage
This stage comes last after realizing the futility of fighting changes. Acceptance is a forced stage, accompanied by submission to fate and resignation to change. It also provides the first opportunity to assess prospects and plan the future.
Example of stages
Let's take a standard situation in the office as a basis. If we talk about changes in the work of the enterprise where a person works, the first thing that comes to his mind is: “Who needs such changes?”; “Who will feel better from such manipulations?”
No. 1 – denial
The individual does not participate in discussions on this topic or vehemently tries to prove the meaninglessness of management’s actions. She begins to carelessly fulfill new demands, not attend meetings on this topic, show her indifference, and not accept the new boss.
Ask a question
What to do to prevent discord in the system? Management will need to convey to employees in as much detail as possible, using various communication channels, the need for change, give people time to understand it, and stimulate their participation in new issues.
No. 2 – anger
A person is afraid not so much of change as of the losses or damage that will have to be experienced: “This is unfair!”; “Now I can’t stay late, have lunch longer than expected, or use my work phone for personal purposes”; “My bonus will be cut.”
Employees begin to complain, lament, criticize, instead of focusing energy on their jobs. They get irritated, clingy, and look for flaws in the current situation in order to clearly prove that they are right.
What to do? Listen to the team's complaints without interrupting. Offer alternatives to compensate for losses: courses, training, free schedule, come up with incentives, do not support sabotage, but also do not show aggression.
No. 3 – bargaining
This is an attempt to make a deal with the current management. For example: if I work around the clock and exceed the plan, will I not be subject to the upcoming layoff? This stage is a sign that colleagues have begun to look to the future. They still have fears, but they are already willing to talk and are ready to change their usual rules.
What to do? Stimulate, help to look at prospects and new opportunities, not reject ideas, show the value of each employee.
No. 4 – depression
When the previous stage led to a negative outcome, people develop self-doubt, a state of depression, and disappointment in the future. Apathy reigns in the company, sick leave, absences from work, and tardiness are becoming more frequent. Employees do not understand why they need this; they are horrified to think about where to look for a new job and what to do next.
What to do? Recognize the existing difficulties, eliminate fears and indecision, encourage the workers, go down to the workshops to the foremen, let them see your participation. Show your involvement in projects.
#5 – acceptance
This does not necessarily mean complete agreement on the part of the workers. They simply realize that resistance is pointless and begin to evaluate prospects and options. They say they are ready to work. This can happen after short-term success, a small bonus or praise. The majority of the team is already ready to learn, pull in those lagging behind, and devote their energy to development.
What to do? Reward for success, set goals, reinforce new behavioral patterns, show clearly what benefits of the new program are bearing fruit.
Of course, not everything works out as in theory. People do not always go through all these time periods sequentially. Some people go through 6 or 7 stages of accepting the irreparable and inevitable, others cope faster and stop at only 3 - denial, comprehension and humility. Many people do not want to perceive the situation from a different angle and quit. Any experienced leader is familiar with the emotional dynamics and reactions of the team to innovation. If such situations are not uncommon for a company, it is worth developing a permanent mechanism for finding compromises and breaking the deadlock.
Criticism of the five-stage model
The first critic of the model was Russell P. Friedman, a psychiatrist and director of the Grief Recovery Institute, an organization that helps people recover emotionally and physically after tragic events and shocks. In his opinion, “no research has yet established that stages of grief actually exist, and what we experience cannot be called stages. Grief is a normal and natural emotional response to loss. As much as we strive to develop simple and accurate guidelines for bereaved people, no two stages of grief are the same for any two people.”
Friedman's opinion is actively shared in modern psychology. However, the theory, which has clear stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, is still popular. The reason is that it makes it clear to the grieving person that what is happening to him is normal, and he is not alone in his not entirely clear feelings - from denial to anger and attempts to “bargain with fate.”
Stage one: shock caused by death
It was not by chance that I named this stage this way. Every person, having lost a loved one, will fall into a state of shock. Yes, most likely, everyone will go through the stage in their own way:
- Some will rush to take care of the funeral, preparations, choosing a coffin and other fuss, believing that constant busyness will save them from emotional outbursts. Often they hide their hearts from others, trying to be everywhere at once, doing anything, just not to think about the deceased.
- For others, a different model of behavior is more suitable - the so-called stupor. From the outside it will seem that a person doesn’t give a damn about absolutely everything at once: the funeral, the relatives, and even the deceased. I assure you that this is far from the case. It’s just that such people cannot immediately accept the loss. Their usual picture of the world has now literally collapsed, and the “gears” in their heads are creakingly rearranged to suit the circumstances.
- Still others may turn out to be overly emotional: cry for hours over the body of the deceased (and then over the coffin or at the grave), not talk about anything except their feelings for the deceased, or even try to follow him (commit suicide). It is now useless to have intelligent conversations with such people, to present any arguments... The person will not listen to you. The only way out of this situation is to let him cry while being nearby so that the mourner does not do anything stupid.
On average, this stage lasts from seven to nine days. Within a week, even the most “die-hard” come to the realization of loss, the understanding that their loved one is no longer there.
Stage two: non-acceptance of death
No matter how rational a person is in ordinary life, now his soul cannot come to terms with the loss. Even if he says: “I understood and realized everything,” don’t believe it. You need to rely not on reason, but on the feelings of the person suffering from loss.
The second stage is characterized by the following reaction: the person pretends that everything is fine. That everything happens the way it should happen. His life goes on as usual, and nothing can overshadow it.
However, believe me: the person now needs your support more urgently than at the first stage. In fact, he needs to talk about the deceased; even crying can help. Otherwise, the mourner may even experience hallucinations: he may see the deceased in the crowd or hear the sound of his steps...
It's all a game of imagination. The human soul is accustomed to being close to a relative, and therefore cannot “get rid of” him. By the way, dreams about the deceased at this stage are a good sign. They will help to revive the image of the deceased in memory, as a result of which the brain will not need to create it artificially.
The second stage lasts for about a month. In 30 days, a person relives the death of a loved one and understands that his desire to see his relative again will not achieve absolutely anything.
Stage three: full understanding of the loss
I have already said that a person is aware of the loss. This happens both at the end of the first and during the second stage. But only at the third stage does he come to a truly complete understanding of the situation - the deceased is no longer there, and will never be with us.
I’ll tell you right away about the length of this stage. It can last from four months to six months. During this time, emotions literally roll over a person in waves: grief is sometimes muffled, sometimes becomes brighter and more painful.
Around the third month, a person is characterized by a sharp decline in strength: the internal reserves of the body are completely exhausted, the mourner feels severe, acute pain and does not understand how to deal with it. Along with the loss of strength comes apathy: to those who have just truly realized death, it seems that nothing will ever change, it will not get better and the world will not sparkle with new colors.
Some rush to drown the pain in alcohol. If possible, you should warn your loved ones against this step. Vodka is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, it will help muffle pain and relax, but on the other hand, it is a bad habit, which is much more difficult to get rid of than to overcome internal impulses towards a passive lifestyle.
At the third stage, a person is characterized by a number of unusual feelings that he may experience both in relation to the deceased and towards others. A little more about each of them:
- Guilt. It arises from an attempt to blame oneself for the death of a relative. This is real “soul-searching”, and it has an extremely negative effect on the human body - thoughts like “I could fix everything, and then the person close to me would remain alive” only aggravates the situation. It is possible and necessary to fight feelings of guilt. In this article I talk in detail about how to do this.
- Anger at the deceased. Oddly enough, this is also a completely normal feeling, caused by the body’s protective reaction. You should not reproach yourself for such thoughts - the human mind always has someone to blame. Only after finding someone to blame do people finally calm down. What to do with such thoughts? They simply need to be accepted. Accept and overcome. Remember one simple phrase: neither you nor the deceased are to blame for anything.
- Transferring blame to a third party. This is perhaps the most terrible feeling that can arise after death. It is hardly possible to overcome it alone, especially if someone was really to blame. As an example, we can consider anything: inexperienced doctors, lazy and irresponsible directors, and even the driver of an oncoming car who was responsible for the accident. Some are even inclined to blame God for allowing death in the first place. The main thing now is not to let this feeling drag on for a long time. If a person has been experiencing this for more than two weeks, I strongly recommend that you consult a psychologist.
After six months, the pain gradually subsides, the dreams in which the deceased constantly appears disappear. In a word, a person gets used to living in a new, changed world.
Stage four: quiet sadness
When a person truly realizes that a relative is no longer around and has at least gotten used to living in a new way, of all the feelings he is left with only a feeling of sadness. There is no longer that heart-cutting pain or black veil of mourning... What remains is simply quiet grief for someone who is no longer with us.
What will be effective at this stage is the mourner’s acquaintance with new people, joining some companies, etc. In general, you will have to do everything and almost everything in order to make the person laugh and smile. Believe me, his soul has already endured all the suffering and is ready for new portions of happiness.
Mentioning the deceased is not prohibited, however, the conversation should be conducted at ease. Together you can remember any stories from the life of the deceased, funny moments or funny incidents. Most importantly, do not talk about death - this can cause negative memories for the bereaved relative.
The fourth stage lasts until the first anniversary of the deceased, which means it takes about six months. During this time, grief and sadness disappear completely, leaving room for a bright memory.
✔ Stage No. 1. Negation
Denial is the first stage of accepting the inevitable, the essence of which is that a person ignores everything that happens to him in the current period of time. You can deny not only external, but also internal changes: your own thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations, fears, doubts, desires, etc.
For most people, bad news is accompanied by severe shock. A person, having learned that irreversible changes have occurred in his life, cannot adequately and objectively assess what is happening around him. The individual tries to distance himself and isolate himself from the problem that has arisen. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that the problem not only arose, but continues to exist.
Denial is not only a very useful, but also an absolutely necessary stage, since thanks to denial the human psyche is reliably protected from severe psychological shock. If it were not for denial, many people would simply go crazy!
If the attending physician has discovered some serious illness in the patient, then at the stage of denial, such a person, hoping that his terrible diagnosis is just a mistake and negligence of the attending physician, will make an appointment with all practicing doctors in the city. A terminally ill person, sparing no time, money or nerves, will believe until the very end that he is absolutely healthy.
Desperate patients most often go in search of psychics, fortune tellers, witches, healers, healers, etc. Some people just take it and go to the monastery.
The main symptom of the denial stage is fear. Before diagnosis, a person may never have thought that he, like everyone else, would someday die. The consciousness of such an individual is almost completely immersed in negative experiences. Many simply do not feel reality, since everything around them reminds them of an endless nightmare.
If the trouble has nothing to do with the state of health, but concerns a completely different area of life, then the person will try to demonstrate to the people around him that nothing bad or terrible has happened in his life. An individual at the stage of denial will not share his fears, anxieties or experiences with family and friends, but will simply close himself inside himself.
While a person cannot believe that this or that inevitable situation has occurred in his life, the psyche of such an individual begins to dosely accept and work through the change that has occurred. At the stage of denial, the psyche has time to draw appropriate conclusions and create the necessary ideas.
At the first stage, everything happens quite gradually and in doses, so the psyche immediately blocks everything and begins to gradually prepare the person for the fact that in the near future he will need to work through the change that has occurred in his life.
The duration of the denial stage is different for each person and depends on the type of psyche of the individual. Some people experience this stage in a few hours, while others take weeks, months or years.
Numbness
The first week and a half after the death of a loved one, people try to comprehend what happened, to understand that this is really happening. Everyone experiences this stage differently. Some seem to go numb, become insensitive and indifferent, cannot concentrate on anything, do not want to talk to anyone and withdraw into themselves. Others, on the contrary, try to take on as many tasks as possible, fuss, support others and do not show their feelings.
Sometimes people experience depersonalization - they lose touch with their own body. Everything that happens is seen from the outside. Pain, temperature, taste and tactile sensations may decrease. The colors fade in the literal sense of the word - everything seems gray and unreal. During this period, you need to try to distract the person as often as possible so that he comes into contact with the outside world. If the experiences become too intense, you should carefully advise contacting a specialist.
Particular attention should be paid to emotionally unstable people and those who suffer from mental disorders. Such mourners may express their feelings inappropriately and even try to commit suicide. However, dry arguments will not work here. We need to give people the opportunity to express their emotions in a safer way. Even if they cry inconsolably for days on end or stand at the coffin for many hours in a row. This is normal, it allows the body to give emotional release.
Stage 1 – Take aback. Duration: about a week
For about a week from the moment of receiving news of death, a person remains in a kind of stupor, a fog. He performs actions whose purpose he cannot fully understand. Periods of stagnation are replaced by hyperactivity. It's like the person is trying not to think about what happened. Often in a conversation he can speak about himself in the third person, as if depersonalizing his personality.
In serious cases, the mourner may try to “leave” after the deceased - turn on the gas, swallow sleeping pills. If you know that your loved one is a receptive person, then try not to leave him alone with himself, with his thoughts. Talk to him more often, calling him by name, provoke him into the simplest conversation. Physiologically, a person may feel chills and attribute this to the “presence of the spirit of the deceased.” Just start rubbing his limbs, prepare a hot drink. Tears are quite natural at this stage - they will become a kind of painkiller.
Crisis: first reaction and possibility of overcoming
Everyone may experience a period when troubles, like snow, fell at the same time. If they are solvable, it is enough for a person to pull himself together, develop a strategy of action and, following it, bring existence to an acceptable level. However, there are options when nothing depends on us - under any circumstances we will suffer, be nervous and worry.
In psychology, such a period is called a crisis; it should be treated with special attention. Firstly, so as not to linger in the stage of deep depression, which prevents you from building a happy future, and secondly, to learn a lesson from the problem.
Each person reacts differently to the same situation. First of all, it depends on the type of upbringing, status, and inner core. Despite the differences between individuals, there is still a formula of 5 steps to accepting the inevitable, which is suitable for all people. It helps you get out of crisis difficulties on your own.
Rejection
Over the next month and a half, mourners go through a phase of rejection. They are gradually returning to normal life, their consciousness is getting used to the idea that a loved one cannot be returned. But the subconscious is still resisting and cannot come to terms with it. Therefore, people may experience peculiar “hallucinations”. They see the deceased in the crowd, they turn towards his voice, hear his steps. And even a familiar smell can cause an avalanche of emotions.
Also at this time, people tend to have dreams about the deceased. They can be unpleasant, but, nevertheless, in this way the psyche tries to get used to the absence of a person nearby. At this time, it is possible and even necessary to talk with those grieving about the deceased, to remember him. At the same time, they can cry, but you cannot blame them for it. This reaction is natural.
Stage 2 – Rejection. Duration: about 40 days
The second stage lasts a little over a month. It is not surprising that in Orthodoxy this period of accepting death is associated with 40 days. Rejection of what happened is the main feature of this time period. It is difficult for a person to realize that a loved one has left him. This is why various types of hallucinations are frequent - auditory, visual, tactile. Even a similar smell, when going through the things of the deceased, begins to restore pictures of the past in the subconscious. As if the deceased was about to enter the open door, returning from a store in St. Petersburg.
Often at this stage there are dreams with the deceased. Moreover, they are so real that the living person cannot come to his senses for some time after waking up. This kind of reaction is quite natural for a person experiencing grief. And the closer and dearer the deceased was to the mourner, the stronger the pain of loss will be felt.
✔ Stage No. 2. Anger
Anger is the second stage of accepting the inevitable, the essence of which is that a person experiences a very emotional and vivid feeling of aggression. Almost always, anger at the second stage of accepting the inevitable has some specific object towards which it is directed. Most often, this object is the person or thing that caused the life change to occur. Although the object may not be the cause of the inevitable change, a person in the anger stage is not able to understand this, so he will continue to show aggression towards this object.
If we are talking about the death of a loved one or loved one, then anger can be directed at the deceased. From a logical point of view, it is very difficult to explain this phenomenon, but from a psychological point of view, there is nothing unusual in this phenomenon and cannot be.
Looking at anger at a deceased person through the prism of psychology, experts came to the conclusion that negative emotions of this kind are provoked by that part of an individual’s personality that is very poorly developed in terms of reason and emotions. This part of the personality is angry with the deceased, because because of his death, she lost the pleasant sensations and emotions that she experienced when she was next to this person.
Anger in the second stage is completely selfish anger. An individual experiences anger, hatred and other negative emotions, since he has lost what previously gave him joy, made him a happy person, and satisfied some desires and needs that were important to him.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, considering the second stage of accepting the inevitable, argued that a person is angry not because the existing world is not particularly fair, but because the inner child no longer receives the resources it needs to satisfy its own needs.
This inner child, “waking up” after one or another inevitable change in the life of an adult, begins to whine, be capricious, show aggression and demonstrate in every possible way his negative attitude towards what is happening. Why is this happening? Because changes in life frighten this inner child and negatively affect the quality and level of his comfort.
Very often, at the second stage of accepting the inevitable, an individual begins to take out his anger on those people who have nothing to do with the changes that have occurred in his life. Because of this, personal, friendly and work relationships suffer and deteriorate. And this is not surprising, because no one wants to communicate, make friends, build relationships or work with an aggressive and hot-tempered person.
The anger stage can last from several hours to several decades. Many people get stuck in this stage and cannot get out of it. They carry aggression within themselves all their lives because they do not know how to work through it. You can process and transform anger with the help of meditation, yoga, affirmations, asceticism and some other Eastern or Western European spiritual practices.
Awareness of loss
The next stage of acceptance can last up to six months. A person realizes that his loss is irrevocable, and this causes a wide variety of emotions. He may be angry with the deceased, feel guilty for his death, fear that he himself will die. Often at this time, mourners begin to take out their anger about what happened on others. Anyone can be to blame: doctors, the state, God, boss, family, friends. This is an extremely difficult and painful stage for everyone. But under no circumstances be angry with a person if you are among the culprits. This will pass.
The main thing is that the mourner does not become fixated on his experiences and decides to take revenge.
In some cases, people in this phase feel pain of such intensity that it becomes physical. They lose sleep and appetite, become absent-minded, and cannot work. Emotional manifestations are wave-like, and at peaks the condition always worsens.
Stage 3 – Adaptation. Duration: up to six months
The first six months there is a process of adaptation. It’s as if a person is learning to live without the deceased. And since the steps are painful, during this period you can often observe a change in mood. A quiet and calm existence can be interrupted for 2-3 days by obvious aggression and anger towards the deceased. In the first six months, you can hear accusations against the deceased, accompanying circumstances, or third-party people allegedly responsible for the death of a dear person. All this - guilt towards the deceased, anger at him, oneself and others should be considered natural reactions. There is no need to be ashamed or afraid of them. If there is a person with whom you can discuss these phenomena - a St. Petersburg psychologist, a relative or a close friend - it is better to do so. Recognizing the normality of such phenomena is the next step towards accepting the death of a loved one. Playing out such scenarios over and over again gradually distances the deceased from the world of the living, and the realization comes that he is already in other worlds.
Crises and emotional response. This is where it all begins
Unforeseen circumstances also arise, for example, serious illness, death of a relative, betrayal of a loved one, planned layoffs in the company. Such significant events are called “crises.”
Depending on their severity, the flurry of emotions they evoke varies. But the sequence of the human condition remains unchanged: from disbelief that this could happen to him to the decision to radically change something.
“Crises” are neutral; they are neither good nor bad. But if you are not prepared, you can make losses:
- loss of control over the current situation. Living with learned helplessness. Problems are not worth attention, but they cannot be solved;
- loss of social connections. The victim behaves repulsively, loses friends and acquaintances;
- finance. You can get into trouble with your spending, waste all your leftovers, and not control your expenses;
- career growth. Occupational stress arises and interferes with the development of work skills;
- workplace.
With them, some protective mechanisms are activated in the human psyche, which manifest themselves in the same way in most people.
Residual grief
When the most difficult period passes, people calm down. Gradually, the deceased ceases to occupy all their thoughts, and they “let him go.” Physical condition improves, motivation to work, and a desire to communicate appear. Grief gives way to nostalgia. Sometimes, of course, a person remembers the deceased, but not about his last minutes, but about the joyful moments they spent together.
The human psyche fully copes with grief, and life goes on.
Stage 4 – Consolation. Duration: until the first anniversary
At the fourth stage, when a person has learned to live without the deceased in everyday matters, peace comes to the soul. Quiet, calm memories and leafing through photo albums no longer bring tears. New cases from the past come to mind. The negativity when thinking about the deceased goes away, all that remains is a quiet recognition of the fact that a loved one has died.
Otherwise, this period can be called “light sadness.” The mourner seems to be nostalgic for past times, but accepts life as it is. This is largely facilitated by the situation, which often remains the same as it was during the life of the deceased. At the same time, past experiences are now perceived more calmly, with a certain quiet joy and peace.
Depression is the most protracted stage of the 5 stages of accepting the inevitable
Psychology recognizes that depression, which envelops people in crisis, is the most difficult to combat. At this stage, you cannot do without the help of friends and relatives, because 70% of people have suicidal thoughts, and 15% of them try to take their own lives.
Depression is accompanied by disappointment and awareness of the futility of one's efforts spent trying to solve the problem. The person is completely immersed in sadness and regret, he refuses to communicate with others and spends all his free time in bed.
The mood at the stage of depression changes several times a day, followed by a sharp rise in apathy. Psychologists consider depression to be a preparation for letting go. But, unfortunately, it is depression that many people dwell on for many years. Experiencing their misfortune again and again, they do not allow themselves to become free and start life anew. It is impossible to cope with this problem without a qualified specialist.
The final cycle
When significant time has passed since the death, mourners may again fall into a state of grief. This usually happens on the first anniversary. During this period, all stages are repeated again, the feeling of loss can be quite acute. But by that time, the psyche has already developed mechanisms for managing grief, and copes with it quite quickly.
Family memorials help to get through the final cycle, when family and friends can come together and support each other.
Remember that the stages of accepting death last differently for different people and can have different degrees of intensity. In some cases, it is worth referring the person to a psychologist who will help them cope with the loss and, perhaps, recommend mild sedatives. But, the most important thing is that loved ones are nearby during this difficult time and show simple human sympathy.
Stage five: return of pain
Having gone through the four previous stages, a person has already come to terms with death, overcome negative feelings and got used to living in a new world. In one where a close relative has already died. However, with the arrival of the first anniversary, the pain returns with renewed vigor. A person experiences death again, remembers his old feelings, making himself even more painful.
The feeling of mourning is intensified by the fact that the need to order a monument is approaching. How to do it? Where to find good performers? What should the grave ultimately be like? A person begins to get nervous and worry, because he is trying to do everything “the best,” but does not know how it is, this is “better.”
A bright wake held with family can help you survive the anniversary. There they will remember the deceased with a kind word, without negative emotions, talking about both his death and his life.
Historical reference
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is an American with Swiss roots, psychologist, writer and founder of the concept of first psychological aid for the “doomed” and dying. She studied near-death experiences in depth and published a book called “On Death and Dying.” The printed edition in 1969 spread throughout America and became a bestseller. It was in this work that the doctor spoke about the stages of perception of trouble (five stages of accepting the irreparable or inevitable). It is noteworthy that the technique was used only if a fatal illness was detected in the patient. Experts prepared him for inevitable death.
What to do to overcome depression
First of all, you need to correctly assess the severity and duration of the violations. In case of severe illness, self-medication is ineffective; the help of a specialist is required.
- normalize the daily routine;
- eliminate physical and psychological stress;
- get enough sleep;
- exercise regularly;
- communicate more.
All of the above should be done without violence against yourself. It is worth completely giving up the use of drugs and alcohol, reducing the amount of artificial stimulants (strong tea, coffee).
Stage 5 – Resumption. Duration: until the second anniversary
A year without a loved one becomes a kind of milestone in the life of the bereaved. Now in his memories he focuses on three periods:
- cases from the year before last when the deceased was in good health;
- instances in the past year when the bereaved experienced a loss acutely;
- cases this year when the death of a loved one is perceived as a fact that happened.
In the second year, the mourner may experience in a mild form the same emotional impulses as a year ago. However, now it is easier for him to admit, understand and accept what happened. He knows how to deal with his aggression and guilt, tears and moments of quiet joy. If necessary, you can arrange a kind of mini-remembrance in one of the cafes in St. Petersburg. The event can be timed to coincide with Radonitsa, Parents' Saturdays, or the birthday of the deceased. The mourner simply needs to be in the circle of those who can remember the deceased with a kind word, look through photographs together, and watch videos shared with the deceased.
Depression
When the realization comes that all actions performed by a person, all efforts are in vain, apathy and depressive moods come.
Depression itself marks the fourth stage. Here comes the realization that it is impossible to change what happened. A person is overcome by apathy, he is indifferent, and loses interest in existence. It seems to him that, coupled with the unpleasant incident, everything has come to an end. Nothing can bring him joy anymore. Previously significant things lose their meaning.
At the same time, some people experiencing despondency and apathy go through this stage at home, endlessly watching TV shows, constantly chewing something, eliminating all social contacts, while others continue to work, lead their usual lives, communicate with relatives, friends, and perform various social duties.
The fourth stage of depression is characterized by the following manifestations:
– lack of appetite;
– decreased self-esteem (people feel like complete nonentities);
– invariably present drowsiness or other sleep disorders;
– decrease in concentration;
– lack of desire for social interaction, communication, sharing one’s own experiences with others;
– obsessive suicidal thoughts;
– awareness of the futility of the efforts made;
– regret about the past, disappointment in one’s own person;
– immersion in the world of sadness and regrets.
The described stage of depression is considered the most protracted phase. Therefore, the support of relatives, the help of the environment, and sometimes even a psychologist are very significant here.
Treatment
Treatment for depression includes psychotherapy and medication. Drug therapy is carried out for endogenous and severe psychogenic depression. The drugs are prescribed by a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Antidepressants are prescribed for several months or even years, tranquilizers for several weeks.
Psychotherapeutic work is carried out with a psychologist or psychotherapist. For depression arising from childhood trauma and character traits, psychoanalysis, Gestalt, psychodrama and other long-term techniques are used. Short-term techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy are used to correct thinking distortions.
Illness in psychology
In psychology, depression is a mental disorder (a type of affective state) characterized by the presence of a triad of symptoms:
- Anhedonia is the loss of the ability to receive pleasure, pleasure, joy and satisfaction.
- Disruption of thinking towards pessimism, predominance of negative emotions.
- Reduced reactions and general inhibition of movements.
Subjectively, a person in a state of depression experiences painful experiences and difficult emotions - disappointment, depression, despair. A person feels helpless in the face of life’s difficulties, cannot rationally understand the essence of the problem and is inclined to blame himself for all sorrows.
People suffering from depressive disorders are characterized by self-flagellation and humiliation of their own self, presenting their own personality as worthless and incapable of anything. Aspirations and desires disappear, because a person considers himself unable to achieve what he wants or is unable to receive joy and satisfaction.
The main clinical options are usually grouped into three large groups:
- Somatogenic - caused by pathophysiological disorders and a number of diseases (traumatic brain injury, Alzheimer's disease, etc.):
- symptomatic.
- Endogenous (without external factors and pathophysiological processes):
- involutional;
- periodic;
- schizophrenic.
- Psychogenic - resulting from acute psychological trauma:
- neurotic;
- reactive.
In the vast majority of cases, depression is diagnosed based on the patient's history and subjective reports. There is a monoamine theory, according to which a number of depressive disorders arise due to insufficient production of biogenic amines: serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine.
A deficiency of these compounds can be caused by taking medications and psychoactive substances - sleeping pills, sedatives and sedatives, tranquilizers, alcohol, opiates, drugs (cocaine, amphetamine).
Depression can only be diagnosed if all three symptoms of the depressive triad are present for a long time—more than two weeks. Otherwise, all manifestations are considered normal defensive reactions of the psyche in response to external factors.
Adoption
The last stage is acceptance. Here, depressive moods lose ground, giving way to peace. There is a reassessment of one’s own existence, new goals are outlined that revive the desire to live.
As a rule, people, having experienced the above stages of depression, become as if empty, exhausted, as a result of which they perceive their own death as liberation from suffering. Here comes humility with circumstances, forgiveness of grievances, analysis of existence, idealization of some life events and personal achievements, and rethinking of values. People are beginning to experience the joy of existence again.
The search for the guilty has been relegated to the margins, and experience has emerged in experiencing difficult everyday situations. By accepting the situation, a person begins to appreciate what he has anew.
The duration of the phase under consideration is individual.
The stages of depression, in particular acceptance, are characterized by the following behavior:
– requests to loved ones for forgiveness;
– awareness of the inevitability of existence;
– taking responsibility;
- talking about the consequences.
How to live on
Thinking about how to live further, a person begins to look for new meanings. The event that happened is perceived as an experience. It helps us become more mature, integrate it into our present and continue to live, but in a new way.
It is important not to rush yourself through each stage. Give yourself time to realize and accept. Moreover, it is important to remember that each life story is individual and cannot be adjusted to any theoretical schemes. For each person, the experience of loss will also be individual, perhaps the stages will take place in the wrong order, perhaps there will be a transition not only to a forward stage, but also a return back. The variability of feelings and their intensity can also be different.
But, in any case, seek support, ask for help, take care of yourself!
✔ Stage No. 3. Bargain
Bargaining is the third stage of accepting the inevitable, the essence of which is that a person hopes that everything can still be changed for the better if he makes some sacrifices or tries to make some amendments to the already existing life situation.
If a girl is abandoned by a guy, then, having gone through the previous two stages, at the third stage she will suddenly think about what would happen if she resumed her relationship with this young man. The girl will begin to think about what she needs to do to get her ex-boyfriend to turn his attention to her again and offer to get back together. She can go to a beauty salon and change her hairstyle, go shopping and buy a lot of new clothes, post several photos of them together on social networks, etc.
At the bargaining stage, an individual, trying to somehow change the current situation, uses a variety of methods. If a person is diagnosed with a serious illness, then at this stage he will finally begin to take care of himself: he will eat only healthy food, do exercises every morning, and attend church on Sundays. The person sincerely believes that this behavior will contribute to his healing.
Is it really possible to change the current situation in this way? Experts give a positive answer to this question. Many people at this stage, by taking certain actions, not only return to former lovers, but also significantly improve their newly formed love relationships. Patients alone or with the help of traditional or alternative medicine cure their diseases.
But we should not forget that it is not always possible to change this or that current situation. Some circumstances cannot be influenced in any way, since people do not have unlimited possibilities and cannot turn back time. If at the bargaining stage a person fails to change or correct the situation, he falls into depression, which is the fourth stage of accepting the inevitable.
conclusions
- As a rule, when faced with negative events, we go through these stages in one form or another.
- If you feel stuck in one of these stages in the process of accepting a negative event, try moving to the next stage or starting to go through these stages again. Perhaps a stage that has not been fully experienced interferes with acceptance
- As you can see, the final stage is accepting the event as it is. Maybe it makes sense, when faced with life’s difficulties, to immediately strive to accept them as they are?
Stage No. 5. Humility
Humility is the fifth stage of accepting the inevitable, the essence of which is that a person, thinking about a particular life situation that has changed his life in the most dramatic way, does not experience any emotions or experiences only positive emotions.
There are very few people in the world who actually reach this stage. Many people get stuck in stage three or four for the rest of their lives.
A lack of response to a situation may also indicate that the person is still in the denial stage, the anger stage, or the depression stage. To check this, you just need to ask such an individual a question about what happened to him. If a person, answering this question, experiences pleasant or neutral emotions, then he is at the stage of humility. If negative thoughts and emotions arise in him, then such an individual has not yet reached the stage of humility.
Many people, having gone through a difficult period in life, change completely: they stop communicating with old acquaintances, look at the world with completely different eyes, change their place of residence, start completely new relationships, begin to conquer those peaks in life that they knew nothing about before, etc.
