How to survive a divorce as a man: advice from a psychologist

Greetings, friends! According to statistics over the past 10 years, from 51 to 73 percent of marriages in the Russian Federation break up. These are not horror stories, but dry official figures. Unfortunately, the likelihood that the union will end in divorce is at best one to one, or even higher.

In a new article I’ll tell you how to survive a divorce, what to do to make your life easier, and what actions you shouldn’t do after a divorce.

If you have signs of depression after a divorce, we recommend that you first read the article about depression and how to deal with it.

For those who are interested in how to build a new happy relationship, we recommend this article.

If nothing can be fixed, you need to survive with dignity

Before my successful marriage, I myself experienced a divorce, you can read about this in the “About Me” section. This experience, coupled with deep knowledge in the field of psychology, formed the basis of this material.

Communication and socialization

When getting married, men often abandon their usual circle of friends and acquaintances. But after a divorce, you can restore relationships, establish contacts, and renew old friendships.

If it is easier for women to go through pain alone, then for men the best way is communication. What else will help relieve pain:

New acquaintances;
journey;
a change of scenery;
camping;
Meeting with friends;
heart-to-heart conversations;
vacation.

Contrary to popular belief, it is better for guys to stay away from relatives at such times. Relatives and friends are more likely to side with your ex-wife and will certainly remind you of her. To leave fresh wounds alone, it is better to go on vacation with friends.

Advice! Divorce is not the end of life, but just another stage. It's time to pull yourself together and get through the pain.

Recommendations on how to survive a divorce for a man may seem strange to girls. After all, they are used to savoring emotions, feelings, and indulging in depression and melancholy. This helps them let go of negative experiences. Men succeed in this much faster after a divorce.

A man's experience of divorce

After a divorce, the spouses separate and everyone begins to live their own lives. A man, accustomed to living together and spending time together, is left alone with himself.

For most men, this situation turns out to be quite difficult, even if they themselves sought a divorce.

Unexpected and unusual loneliness often pushes men to make rash decisions.

actions and demonstrative actions that are aimed at overcoming feelings of melancholy. It is during the period after a divorce that men often begin to drink alcohol, gamble, engage in promiscuous sex, etc. Such behavior is explained by a reluctance to analyze their psychological state and remain alone with their thoughts.

As a rule, a man’s external relaxedness, cheerfulness and social activity are designed to hide his internal tension and desire to withdraw into himself from prying eyes.

Such behavior leads to mental crisis and prolonged depression, which is why it is so important to soberly assess your condition and, if necessary, seek help from specialists.

A particularly traumatic situation for a man is when he was not the initiator of the divorce.

In this case, he realizes that he has been abandoned and begins to experience an inferiority complex. It is important not to constantly blame yourself, but to try to soberly analyze the situation. In a divorce, both are always to blame. It is important to learn lessons and take into account all your mistakes in past relationships, so as not to make them again in a new union.

Work and new schedule

Plunging headlong into your professional activities is one of the best options to avoid depression and to more easily overcome the state of shock after a divorce. A temporary business trip will help you refresh your thoughts, get distracted, and change your surroundings. If a man has already had a hard time with a divorce, then a new blow may affect his performance. Here it is useful to change your field of activity and try your hand at a new area.

When you put all your energy into your work, it’s hard to think about anything else. You can loosen your grip immediately after thoughts about your ex-wife stop causing pain.

Stages of Awareness of Loss

Even if a man initiated a divorce due to his wife’s infidelity, he will still go through 5 stages of realizing the loss. Despite the presence of objective reasons for no longer keeping the family together, the man will go through certain stages of getting used to his new life. These stages are:

Negation. At first, the man will not believe what happened. He will not believe in his wife’s betrayal, in her boorish behavior or in her confession of what happened. He will not believe that there is no more family, and now he is free again.
Aggression. At this stage, the man begins to feel irritated and angry. He understands what happened and he doesn't like it. He is offended by his wife for her treacherous act. He is offended by fate for what happened. He may be offended at himself for divorcing his wife.
Bargain. At this stage, the man begins to bargain with himself. Often here a person begins to imagine situations in which his wife is trying to return to him, trying to make peace. The man begins to bargain with his wife in his mind under what conditions he will return to her. He also sets a time frame for how long he will continue to suffer for his wife, after which he will forget about her and will not return, even if she comes to him to make peace.
Depression. Here the man finally fully accepts everything that happened to him. This is unpleasant for him. He feels his own loneliness and some emptiness.
New life. If a man does not get stuck in the previous stages and reaches this stage, then he begins to feel like his life is passing by while he suffers. He understands that it’s time to stop suffering and start doing something, somehow moving on with his life. It is here that he begins to set new goals and achieve them.

Simple rules to make getting through divorce easier

A man must observe some responsibilities that will help not aggravate the conflict:

If the ex-wife runs into conflict, it is better to step aside.
Treat friends and relatives of your ex-wife correctly.
Establish civilized communication without mutual reproaches and accusations.
Don't make decisions rashly.
Do not enter into a new relationship immediately after a disagreement.
Express anger, resentment and hatred in a different way without touching your ex-wife.

Advice! A man must remain himself, maintain composure, even if his beloved behaves very incorrectly. She is controlled by anger and resentment, which will soon dry up.

General recommendations

Undoubtedly, a man and a woman, due to their psychological characteristics, perceive divorce differently. However, there are some universal rules for how to survive this difficult period, which can be used equally by both.

Rule 1. Accept and experience emotions

There are different models of the psychological stages of divorce - Maslow, Kübler-Ross, Arons. If we generalize them, it turns out that every person who finds himself in such a situation experiences several emotional stages. They need to be accepted and felt from beginning to end to make it easier. Here is their sequence:

pain - at the moment when the decision to divorce is made;
bitterness of loss - anger, desire for revenge, search for those to blame for what happened;
hopelessness - attempts to return everything end in failure;
disappointment - the realization that nothing can be changed;
despair - when it seems that life no longer has meaning;
exhaustion - lack of any desire;
self-determination - when fatigue sets in from suffering and awareness of the need for radical changes in life;
hope - the understanding that life can still be improved;
joy - enjoying the advantages of your new position.

Psychologists advise going through all these emotional stages in the same sequence. There is no need to reproach yourself for feeling angry or apathetic. This is all a natural reaction to what is happening. It is this that allows you to survive a divorce and ultimately come to a positive result. If you deceive yourself and skip over one of the listed stages, the process of healing from mental wounds will be much longer.

Rule 2: Make lists

An old, proven psychological method of restoring mental balance.

About a human

Make two lists - positive and negative character traits of the person you had to divorce. The first will help cope with negative emotions. Re-read it when you feel overwhelmed by anger and desire for revenge. The second will allow you to quickly fall out of love and come to terms with the loss.

About marriage

Make two more lists - the pros and cons of your marriage. The first one will remind you of good days, that it was not in vain that you met this person. The second will show the hopelessness of further life together and the correctness of the decision made.

About divorce

And two more lists - what is good and what is bad about divorce. Surely the second list will initially turn out much more impressive than the first. However, over time, as you add points, you will see how the advantage will change.

Now gradually add to these lists and re-read them at the right moments.

Rule 3. Arrange the moment of truth

There is no need to be deceived from the very beginning. Many people, in order to protect themselves from negative emotions, try to convince everyone around them that everything is fine:

what is still possible to fix;
that in fact he (she) loves you, he (she) was just forced (by circumstances or other people);
that this is an unfortunate misunderstanding that will soon be resolved.

Admit to yourself the obvious things: love, relationships, family, marriage and your loved one are no longer around. And you don’t need to console yourself with vain hopes that everything will return. Say this to yourself out loud while standing in front of the mirror. Write it in capital letters on a piece of paper. Tell your parents and friends about this.

Rule 4. Get rid of memories

In moments of anger and despair, get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex-spouse. There is no need to tear up the photographs - give them to someone for safekeeping, so that in the future the children will see that their parents were happy. Do not throw donated toys into the trash - take them to an orphanage. Jewelry can be sold or taken to a pawnshop. Remove the phone number from the list of subscribers - write it down somewhere on a separate piece of paper and hide it. Ideally, change the apartment in which you lived together.

The fewer reminders of your past life and divorce, the easier it is to get over it and move on, without knots pulling you into the past.

Rule 5. Pour out your soul

Many people withdraw into themselves after a divorce. Some are ashamed, others are depressed, others are simply experiencing everything within themselves. You need to get out of your shell and find someone who will listen and understand. It can be:

parents, if you have close contact and complete trust with them;
Friends;
acquaintances who have already survived a divorce;
psychologists specializing in this problem.

If you haven’t found such a person, it doesn’t matter. Life hack from a psychologist: sit a large plush toy in front of you and pour everything into it. Despite the silence of the interlocutor, liberation from negative emotions is ensured. Say everything that is boiling, all your grievances and disappointments, cry. If you need more than one such session, repeat. It will get easier each time.

Rule 6. Take care of yourself

If you want to survive a divorce, take it as a chance for free time, which you can now devote only to yourself. It's time to get out of the image of a wife in a robe and curlers / a husband in family shorts and a beer belly. Buy a wardrobe, because now you can wear whatever your heart desires. Sign up for a gym (fitness center). Go to the hairdresser. Change your image to demonstrate to everyone (and most of all to yourself) that you are starting a new life without regard to the old one.

Rule 7. Fill the void

Many people are prevented from successfully surviving a divorce by the emptiness created after the departure of their significant other. Don't let it grow. Advice from a psychologist on how to fill the spiritual and everyday emptiness:

spend more time with children, engage in their development;
find a new hobby: blogging, diving, knitting, decoupage, soap making, parkour - the list is endless and endless;
get involved in sports;
to have a pet;
make repairs in the apartment;
open your own business, do business;
go travel;
go to study, get a second education.

The main thing at this stage is not to rush headlong into a new relationship. This is not a situation where we knock out wedges with wedges. Psychologists say that in 90% of cases such connections end in nothing and are a false filling of the void created after a divorce. Reliving broken hopes will be even more difficult.

Rule 8. Make plans for the future

The main thing is that there is not a hint of the past in them. Set goals for yourself both for the week ahead (to do a thorough cleaning of the entire apartment) and for the year (to save money and go to the Maldives). This will fill your life with joy and help you quickly realize that the brightest moments are still ahead, so there is no reason to suffer.

It will be even better if you involve children, relatives, friends, and colleagues in drawing up the plan. This will impose certain obligations on you. You will strive to achieve your goal as quickly as possible - this will help you get through a difficult period painlessly, since you simply won’t think about a bad time.

10 "no"

And 10 more “don’ts” - what you shouldn’t do after a divorce, so as not to aggravate your psycho-emotional state:

Do not blame anyone for what happened - neither yourself, nor him (her), nor third parties (parents, friends, lovers).
Don't close. Don't be alone. Don't keep everything to yourself.
Do not abuse alcohol.
Don't get carried away with antidepressants.
Do not start a new relationship immediately after breaking up.
Do not feel sorry for yourself and do not complain to everyone about your fate.
Don’t try to bring back the past, don’t humiliate yourself, don’t ask for one last chance, don’t impose yourself.
Do not spread dirty rumors about your past family life.
Don’t eat up your problems with tasty but unhealthy food.
Don't give up.

In Indonesia. In the Country of a Thousand Islands there is such a thing as a “conditional divorce”, when the spouses are given 100 days to think and confirm that the wife is not pregnant. If it turns out that she is expecting a child, the divorce process is postponed.

What to do if you have a child

As long as a man goes through a divorce, the litigation with the child lasts. Psychologists are sure that the situation of a joint baby directly depends on the emotional mood of the parents. Women often turn their sons and daughters against their ex-husband, refuse civilized communication, and forbid the man to see their children.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

In this situation, it is better to step back, give her the opportunity to exhale, calm down, and look at the situation with a cool head. After this, you can take action. The child must communicate with the father; a sane woman will not refuse this to the parent. But the situation often turns in the opposite direction, when it is necessary to obtain visits through the courts.

Do men regret divorce? How does a husband behave after a divorce? Age-related characteristics of actions

Men who got married before the age of 20 have three motives: love addiction, selfish goals, and avoidance of problems with responsibility. In the first case, a need is formed to be close to the beloved due to jealousy, lack of attention, and knowledge of relationships. The second implies an unwillingness to live with parents and, in order not to maintain housing alone, a woman with a permanent job, or better yet, with housing, is sought. Achieving the planned financial situation leads to divorce because the primary goal was not compatible with the concept of family. The third motive speaks of the fear of making a mistake when one is not ready to answer for misdeeds, for example, an unplanned pregnancy.

To determine whether men regret divorce, let's turn to statistics and characteristics of individual behavior in different years of life. The peak age for divorce among men is between 18 and 30 years old, because they are not psychologically prepared for a family. Men who behaved passively in relationships experience emotional activity, while active men experience depression due to unrequited love if the wife initiated the divorce. This forces you to put on the mask of a scoundrel even with a calm and balanced character. On the one hand, disregard dominates, on the other, resentment, but only because self-confidence is shaken. A man is not able to turn on another mental defense mechanism, so he “douses” stress with alcohol, and increases self-esteem by practicing promiscuity (promiscuity), if moral guidelines do not prohibit such behavior.

After 30-35 years, a man more often makes compromises because he understands that he will not return to his mother and is no longer needed by his friends. After a divorce, the ex-husband begins to look for a female unmarried environment in order to find a potential wife. However, it pursues friendship and harmonious relationships with a smooth transition into romantic ones. If he finds it, he is in no hurry to make an offer for fear of repeating the plot and in order to “sip a breath of freedom.”

How to deal with anger and malice

Negative emotions definitely come to the surface. It is wrong to pour them out on your ex-wife, her friends, and relatives. This will lead to new conflicts, aggravate difficult relations, and aggravate the situation. The following will help neutralize the negativity:

active sport;
self-occupation;
new hobby;
work with a psychologist;
complete rest;
keeping a diary.

It’s harder for those men who are going through a difficult divorce. They cannot share feelings, talk about pain and anger. They keep the negativity in themselves until the last moment, and then make a number of irreparable mistakes:

quickly find new relationships;
indulge in bad habits;
write angry posts about their spouse on social networks;
take it out on the children.

Going through a divorce can be difficult. But it is important to stop living in the past in time and learn to enjoy life again. Support from friends and working with a psychologist will relieve depression and stress. A new job and hobby will help you distance yourself from negative emotions, and rest will refresh your thoughts. A man must pull himself together and start a new life, without fear of experiencing pain again.

How can I help my brother during a divorce?

Not only his mother, but also his sister may worry about a divorced man. Often a brother shares with his sister those experiences that he does not even tell his mother about.
It happens that a sister practically observes how all stages of a divorce go through: at first, the husband and wife become dissatisfied with their relationship, often quarrel, but they fail to make peace, even with the help of children, relatives and friends.

Then there is a legal registration of divorce, division of property and responsibility for children. Then each spouse tries to start building a new, more successful life, as it seems to them.

In this case, the sister can provide moral support - prevent him from drinking too much and quitting work, take him to a consultation with a good psychologist (take him, not advise him; the man himself is unlikely to go to him).

You can introduce your brother to good and interesting people (not necessarily women) or together start doing a hobby that he likes.

Causes of male depression

After a divorce, most representatives of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they find themselves in a kind of vacuum when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the backdrop of close observation of the life of the ex-wife, for whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:

disappointment in freedom and new women;
psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
obvious disadvantages of single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
feeling guilty for a broken relationship.

In some cases, divorced men experience a combination of all of the above factors.

Separating spouses - what happens?

How men and women experience divorce, because their psychology is completely different. For many couples, separation is an emotionally difficult and complex process; it confronts former spouses with the fact of changing established conditions and habits.

Here are the main aspects of the divorce process:

Life changes completely. Everything that was previously familiar will now change radically; you need to come to terms with this and reconsider your daily routine. And in this situation, the man turns out to be less adaptable; now he will have to take care of himself for some time.
The situation with the children. When parents divorce, children, especially young ones, suffer greatly. After all, a child always needs the love and care of both parents, and under the current circumstances, the child can only see quarrels and scandals, which will subsequently negatively affect his emotional state.
Stress and obsessive thoughts. Ex-spouses experience things differently, those who were abandoned especially suffer, and after the breakup, many experience a state of apathy and depression. You can’t stay in this state, because life doesn’t end there. If obsessive thoughts persist for a long time, you may need the help of a psychologist.

Psychologists say that in some cases men’s experience of the divorce procedure is much more serious than that of women.

Psychology of male feelings and experiences

When a relationship ends, no matter who leaves whom or what the reasons are, both partners suffer .
Hearts are broken because both the woman and the man are disappointed in the ending of their relationship, which suffered a crushing fiasco.

The main difference between men and women is how pain manifests itself and how a guy deals with it. There is also a difference in the phases of pain, which are different from a psychological point of view.

It is this difference that makes women think that men are completely indifferent to breaking up relationships. However, this is a misconception: just because pain is experienced differently does not mean it is worse or less valuable .

Men usually suffer silently, quietly, within themselves. They do not show their emotional state to the whole world, they try in every possible way to hide their feelings, even if their heart is broken into a thousand pieces.

Moreover, especially if young people, on their own initiative, decided to break up and leave, then the experience of a new way of life is very sensitive .

First of all, because without a soulmate, there is a fear of becoming lonely and unwanted again: there is no longer a delicious dinner after work, a massage at night or morning coffee in bed, and there is nothing to say about the sexual component of life.

Further, the experiences are quickly replaced by emotions with the realization that something very valuable and important has been lost.

How to cope: advice from psychologists

First of all, you must be patient and go through all the stages of realizing the separation as a fait accompli in order to finally start living without the other person.
A favorable outcome also depends on the approach and willingness to start life as a clean slate , as well as on individual inner strength, which will allow you to stop thinking about the end of a love relationship as the end of the world.

Stop looking at the past and try to start building reality from scratch, as if you were just born and have not yet lived: enjoy the good weather, which is favorable for a walk and a sudden working day in a schedule that will allow you to forget about loneliness.
Get busy. Exercise releases endorphins, hormones produced by the brain that make the body feel excited and happy. Mental activity completely occupies the head. This makes it possible to reduce pain, speed up the “wound healing” stage and clear the mind.
Don’t blame yourself and your companion for how the circumstances turned out: what happened happened. It is not known whether there are more or less suitable ways to end a relationship, and there are certainly no ideal people. Do not judge the person with whom you were in a partnership, but try to evaluate your reactions from the outside, as if it was not you who broke up, but, for example, your good friend.
Analyze the nature and motivation of the emotions that continue to bubble within you. This can only mean two things: either you still deep down want to get back what you lost, or you are trying to forget about it, but you can’t. Try to think carefully about how you feel - not for the sake of self-flagellation or masochism, but for the sake of working on mistakes that will help build happy relationships in the future.
After your relationship is over, it's best to focus on yourself and think about how you want to build your life. Change your position or job, discover new hobbies and talents, lead an active lifestyle.
Take your love out on other people. This does not have to be a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Pay attention to parents, siblings, nephews or other relatives. Perhaps they have needed your help for a long time, and you simply did not notice it.

Features of helping women

Psychological assistance for a woman during divorce has its own characteristics and often turns out to be much more complex and lengthy than similar therapy for men. This is due to many aspects, primarily social ones. In our country, the “traditional family” model is highly valued, and therefore certain behavioral stereotypes are imposed on girls from an early age.

This entails many consequences, as a result of which a woman, already in adulthood, finding herself in a situation of divorce, finds herself in an endless circle of self-blame and censure from others. Both the ex-wife herself and the people around her use the following accusatory stereotypes:

If a man cheated, then this is normal, because he is a male. If a woman cheats, then she is spoiled. Here, many analogies are usually given, either with the animal world or with household utensils and tools.
If a man cheated, then his woman is to blame, because she was not good enough and diligent. In this case, it is not customary to blame the man, because in accordance with the first point, he is a polygamous creature and is mortally bored with one wife.
A woman must earn money, because she is not a dependent, and at the same time do all the housework, because she is the keeper of the hearth. Fatigue, lack of time and energy - these are all excuses for lazy people.
If a woman is abandoned by her husband, then she automatically goes into the status of a used thing, because a woman should only have one man (we turn again to point one). And after separation, the wife must commit ritual hara-kiri, because the “divorced woman” is not good enough to simply continue to enjoy life.

In addition, such a family model assumes this very family as the only and main occupation of a woman, even if she has work, hobbies and friends. Therefore, it is not surprising that after breaking up with her husband (no matter how unhealthy, toxic and painful the relationship may be), a woman is faced with the censure of others and self-accusation.

Another important point: children after divorce often remain with their mother. The feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a sudden multiple increase in workload, the label of a single mother, the fear of remaining alone and unwanted forever is a terrible stress for any woman.

Even if the feelings between partners have faded, it is extremely difficult to get out of painful experiences with such a public opinion. Almost every woman needs psychological help during divorce in order to avoid catastrophic consequences for her life and health.

A man also often needs psychological help during a divorce, but men do not have the same social pressure as women. Of course, if a man experiences severe mental suffering, symptoms of depression, or cannot come to terms with the loss of his wife, he equally needs the help of a psychologist, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

What psychologists advise

Experts practicing in this area give the following advice to men who have experienced divorce:

You need to fill all your free time. Chat with friends, relatives, find yourself a new hobby or passion. There is no need to constantly return to thoughts about divorce, remember the years you lived with your ex-wife.
There is no need to escalate the situation if your divorce is not a mutual consent of the married couple. Change the situation - take a vacation, just relax on weekends in nature.
Accept the situation as it is, do not try to return the past. If a divorce occurs, life does not end there; in some cases, it begins to play with new colors.