Many people are well aware that making small talk is not as easy as it seems. Talking to strangers can be awkward and unnatural. But this is the art of communication, and it can be mastered.
The golden rule of small talk: you don't have to be brilliant, just good enough. This rule was developed by etiquette experts. Starting a casual conversation with something simple, even obvious, makes the conversation easier for everyone involved. And your interlocutors will immediately notice this help - they will be more favorable towards you. But that's not all that can be done. So,
Come prepared
If you have a few small talk topics up your sleeve, this is the path to success.
Before an event where small talk is inevitable, think of 2-3 topics that you can talk about in case the conversation you started ends up. Or remember some interesting facts for discussion. Of course, the conversation should not concern politics, religion, health, income and personal life of the interlocutors. Talk about the weather, sports, art. Find small talk topics from the news. To keep your conversation relevant and lively, stay up to date with cultural news, such as reading movie and book reviews.
Focus on remembering new names
Very often, during small talk, the most important thing is to remember names. Agree, if you cannot remember the name of a person with whom you have already been introduced twice, this is not comme il faut at all.
After the introduction, repeat the name of your new friend 1-2 times. This can be done silently or out loud, greeting the person by name. This will make it easier for your brain to process the information. If someone has an unusual or rare name, ask them to repeat it again - clarify the meaning of the name or the history of its origin. Of course, when meeting someone, say your name clearly and moderately loudly.
If you have forgotten the name of a new acquaintance, discreetly ask one of the guests for help or listen to how the person is called in conversation. If all else fails, don't panic or get upset. Just say, “I can’t believe it, but I forgot your name,” or “I was so caught up in our conversation that I forgot your name.” This kind of forgetfulness is common and most people will forgive and understand you.
Features of a business conversation
One type of communication is a business conversation. It represents the most important and basic element of management activities. Conversation has always been considered a fairly effective and cheapest form of obtaining the desired and necessary information. Such an item as the ability to talk with people, that is, to find contact with colleagues, customers, competitors, is one of the main qualities of a professional in management.
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Don't hide details
If you are asked something during small talk, do not answer briefly, forcing the interlocutor to ask clarifying questions again and again. Answer in detail and, if possible, with self-irony. Be friendly and don't look for subtext in your questions. If you don’t want to answer, change the subject - follow the advice of the famous Aunt Charlie from Brazil, the heroine of the movie “Hello, I’m Your Aunt” starring Alexander Kalyagin.
If someone asks you a lot of questions that you consider inappropriate, excuse yourself and go to the ladies'/gents' room. Spend a few minutes there. When you return, immediately ask your irrepressible interlocutor about something new. It is much easier to change the topic after a short break than to stop the conversation halfway through.
Eyes
It doesn't matter how you speak if your eyes give you away. Eyes are the key to maintaining dialogue and moving it forward correctly. Research shows that people should make eye contact 70% to 80% of the time.
This is considered normal and natural. If there is less eye contact, the interlocutor may feel that you are insincere with him.
In particular, when starting a conversation, many speakers are nervous, so they tend to look for a “reassuring” face that smiles, nods and encourages the storyteller. Feel free to use this technique to make your performance easier.
If you have problems communicating, don't withdraw, speak up
This statement sounds strange, but it works. If you comment on the music being played, the interior design or the food served, and your interlocutors agree with your opinion, but are in no hurry to continue the conversation, continue to develop the topic you started, changing the emphasis a little. We talked about music - think about the soundtrack of some popular film that would sound most relevant now. If you discussed design, ask what colors your interlocutors prefer in the interior of the kitchen or living room. The conversation turned to food, you can discuss the specialties of your interlocutors. If all else fails, simply ask: “How do you know the host/hostess of the evening?”
Psychologists have another piece of advice: repeat the last thing your interlocutor said. This method for maintaining small talk is very effective. You can say, “I listened carefully to you. You said such and such. Agree that this is only one point of view. I think that ….". Make yourself a little closer to your interlocutor, speak in his words - this way you will win over the other person, which means you will allow him to feel more comfortable. This is all good for small talk.
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Exercises to develop communication skills
To overcome shyness and start communicating, regular practice is necessary. Here are a few exercises that will help develop self-confidence and the ability to maintain a dialogue.
Conversation with objects
Have conversations every day, not with people, but with objects, for example, a chair. In fact, it is more difficult than a live conversation, so this practice gives good results.
Try to conduct a monologue every day with any object, standing or sitting in front of it. First, you can tell how you are doing and how your day went. You can make a conversation plan and stick to it. Increase your talking time by 1 minute every day until you feel like you can talk about any topic without stopping.
10 strangers
Make it a goal to start conversations with strangers every day. You can ask the saleswoman's opinion about different types of tea, ask the first person you meet for directions, ask a new neighbor for salt, etc. The more strangers you talk to in a day, the better.
This practice will eliminate the fear of being the first to communicate.
I remember evrything
Train your memory by trying to remember details, for example, what your colleagues were wearing, what color the saleswoman’s eyes were, what the consultants at the hardware store told you, etc. In the evenings, check how much information you were able to remember.
Learn to give compliments
Practice the habit of complimenting everyone you interact with. You can praise anything:
- appearance, appreciating the new dress;
- personal qualities, saying how interesting it is to always be with a person;
- skills, noting how deftly a colleague operates a coffee machine, etc.
The more often you do this exercise, the easier it will be to find reasons for compliments.
Play Association
If you want to participate in small talk, but the topic of conversation is new or unexpected for you, remember about saving associations. Hook on items mentioned in the conversation or take a fresh look at the action that became the center of the conversation. If, for example, the conversation turns to new cars, and you don’t have a car, say: “I also like speed, but I get more pleasure from morning jogging/biking/rollerblading.” And then, having captured the attention of your interlocutors, tell us about your route or about the competitions in which you took part or wanted to take part.
Test No. 1
Read what 6 different people say about their vacation. Based on them, determine the type of interests of each person.
| Person no. | Statement | Type of interests |
| 1 | “...Is this really a vacation? Only 12 days. And then: 36 hours to get there, and the same amount back. The only joy is the sea 5 minutes away..." | |
| 2 | “...The room had everything you needed: shower, TV, refrigerator, kettle...” | |
| 3 | “...I met Irina Vasilievna there. The most amazing person! She has 12 children. The youngest one is called Anyuta...” | |
| 4 | “...I was on vacation in the New World, this is the southern coast of Crimea, 10 km west of Sudak. By the way, we lived 200 meters from the sea...” | |
| 5 | “...As soon as we arrived at the railway station, we were immediately taken to a sanatorium, fed there, and then settled into rooms...” | |
| 6 | “...I improved my health, and this is the most important thing. The doctors at the sanatorium were good. So, if you want to get treatment, this is the best option...” |
Don’t be afraid of silence and know how to let your interlocutor go
Don't panic when there is a pause in the conversation. In fact, usually the silence between statements does not last as long as we think. Remember that not only you, but also your interlocutor needs to think about what you heard. We all have moments when we think, “What did I just say? Why did I say this? A pause allows us to listen and then respond to the point and to the point - instead of thinking only about what to say next (sometimes inappropriately).
If you feel that the other person is not just pausing, but wants to end the conversation and leave, give him the opportunity to do so.
Test No. 3
You came to your boss to ask him for a salary increase. Different bosses need to make different arguments. For each phrase, determine what type of boss it will have the best effect on.
| Phrase no. | Statement | It will work better on bosses with the type of interests... |
| 1 | “...I have all the equipment: computers, faxes, phones, printers, scanners, consumables. And the amount of all this goodness is increasing and increasing..." | |
| 2 | “... I have to travel all over the country, now to Arkhangelsk, now to Yekaterinburg, now to St. Petersburg... I already know these cities better than my own home...” | |
| 3 | “...Now I have to work a lot with VIP clients: with Elena Vladimirovna, with Arkady Petrovich, with Ivan Vasilyevich... They are complex people, you know it yourself...” | |
| 4 | “...I come at 9 am, leave at 8 pm... I often have to work on weekends... if I have a vacation, then it’s for no more than a week...” | |
| 5 | “... First I find clients, then I persuade them to buy, then I sign the contract, fuss with the papers, then I organize transportation, then I resolve warranty issues... the process is complex, God forbid, where you make a mistake...” | |
| 6 | “... the principle is simple: you pay more, I work harder and better... as a result of the results of my work, you again get more money...” |
Don't be afraid to introduce people
The real hallmark of a skilled communicator is the ability to introduce people with ease. In addition to the name, tell them a little about each person or common interests, thereby making further communication easier.
Try something like: “Tatiana, this is Elena. She recently moved to Moscow from St. Petersburg. Elena is a graphic designer, but what kind of cakes she makes and what kind of homemade bread she bakes! I think that you will have something to talk about with each other, because Tatyana knows the capital very well and all the cafes where they prepare the freshest pastries.”
Things can get complicated when you forget one of the names. In this case, mention one person's name and gesture to the other so that the person identifies himself. Sometimes you can afford to shift responsibility to others.
Keep the peace
It is impossible to love the whole world. At parties, guests or social events, you will meet people whom you admire, to whom you are indifferent, and some who will not be too pleasant to you. “Human diversity stems from both genetics and culture, which is why we are all so different,” wrote Samuel Barondes, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, in Thinking About Humans. “Treating others differently is a recognition that we identify with our tribe, whether that tribe is ethnic, social, cultural or industrial. This identification helps us accept other people – from our tribe, sometimes unfamiliar or completely unfamiliar.” But even if you have accepted a person - you listen to him and hear him, it is completely useless to try to convert him to your faith. When a sensitive topic arises in small talk, do not argue - let go of the situation and tactfully get out of it. Make it your mantra: “I’m interested in hearing your point of view. I have my own opinion on this question. This is not a reason for disagreement."
Remember the magic words: “I need”
Don’t be shy or complex when you say the phrase: “I need...”. Do you want to interrupt an awkward conversation, not participate in the discussion of a given topic, or stop a series of annoying questions? Say, “I need to eat a little; I haven't eaten all day" or "I need to go away for a while" or "I have an important call to make."
In order not to bring the situation to the extreme, which can take you out of your comfort zone, upset and/or anger, psychologists recommend that you first agree on a “safe word” (or even a whole expression) with a familiar person who is present at a meeting, visiting or event with you. This safe word means you are calling for help to get out of small talk. For example, you can ask your friend to dance (if appropriate) or go together to find a chef for a recipe for a snack you like to end an awkward conversation.
Don't leave without saying something nice about the small talk you were part of. For example, “It was so nice to chat with you about Suzdal. I learned a lot of interesting things."
