What you absolutely should not do when breaking up with your loved one

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one? How to break up correctly so that the relationship resumes? If they still have a chance, of course. And in general, the science of proper breakups is worth mastering, if only because it is important for any person after the collapse of love to gain internal stability and stable self-esteem as quickly as possible. And that means a chance for a new happy life. After all, many, having experienced a painful breakup, are stuck in loneliness and depression for many years.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

First of all, it is important to understand that any relationship can end one day. There are many reasons for this: they failed to find a common language, they expected too much from love, and the expectations were not met, they grew cold towards each other, someone cheated on their partner... Some couples could not stand the test of everyday life, others were crippled by money issues, conflicts with parents, interests At some point they separated. The list goes on. The result is sad.

Rare couples break up easily, realizing that their relationship has simply reached a dead end. We've exhausted ourselves. In this case, people can disperse quite easily. And even feeling great relief. Along with slight sadness sometimes. But more often than not, a breakup is an extremely unpleasant thing. Especially if the initiative is one-sided.

It happens that they separated in the heat of the moment in the heat of a heated quarrel. And then both feel sorry, but neither one nor the other dares to take a step towards reconciliation. Everyone expects their partner to make the first step. And, without waiting, he begins to take revenge - he starts new relationships for show or demonstrates complete indifference. It’s as if he’s already cooled down. All this only exacerbates the conflict. And relationships that could still improve completely deteriorate.

Whatever the reason you broke up, and whether there is still a potential opportunity to restore the relationship, it is important not to make some mistakes.

The first mistake. Run after the partner who left you.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?
He was tired, fell out of love, disappointed, found new love - it doesn’t matter. It is important to accept the fact with dignity - you no longer mean as much to him as before. You may have noticed its cooling up to this point. Usually the pattern in such conflicts is the same: at some point one cools down and moves away. By the way, in relationships, periods of slight mutual cooling may occur, and this is normal. But what does a person do when he feels his partner is moving away? Becomes intrusive, demands more and more attention, is constantly offended and makes claims. What pushes your loved one away even more. And it even causes great irritation. At this time he himself becomes small and pitiful, his self-esteem falls below a critical level. In this state, any person is extremely unattractive - be it a woman or a man. And then the partner begins to look at him with different eyes: what did I find in this pathetic Velcro? For some time, he may still be kept close by a feeling of guilt, debt, shame (especially if during this time there was betrayal, flirting, or an affair on the side). But guilt and debt are a bad basis for a relationship. Any debtor will sooner or later try to get rid of the creditor. Especially if the debt cannot be repaid.

And a breakup happens. Often, by the way, such relationships are resumed after a while. Especially if there was a lot of good in them. And you, with your pestering, hysterics, jealousy and other antics, did not have time to completely disgust your partner. Therefore

How to decide to break the union?

For each person, the decision to break up should be accompanied by careful consideration of the following issues :

1. What reasons prompt me to break up?
2. Is there a way out of this situation?
3. Do you still have feelings for your partner, or is he causing irritation?
4. Will I be calmer after the breakup, and how will my future change?
5. Has my quality of life improved after being in a relationship with my partner?

Psychologists believe that if at least a few of the questions listed leave doubts, and life without a partner seems gray and dull, you can still work on the relationship, and not leave each other rashly.

You should decide on a final and irrevocable departure only in existing “toxic” relationships, when the partner is under constant stress from the chosen one, if he:

1. He mocks morally (humiliates, reproaches, criticizes, shames), shows aggression and assault.
2. She categorically refuses to work, take care of children and help around the house, placing all responsibilities for her maintenance on her partner.
3. Regularly provokes conflicts, does not want to communicate, and is in a state of hidden resentment.
4. Even in small things, he establishes total control that violates human boundaries.
5. He wants to dominate, manipulate, and causes negative emotions with his defiant behavior.
6. Refuses physical intimacy (or it causes internal rejection).
7. He is promiscuous and constantly cheats.

You need to leave your partner if a person feels unhappy, depressed , and scandals negatively affect his quality of life and health. You should also not continue a relationship when the children you share with your partner are in a state of constant stress, and there is an unfavorable emotional environment at home.

The desire for healthy relationships, without self-deception, which give joy, a feeling of peace, confidence and reliability in a partner - this is what any normal, adequate person should strive for. In such relationships there will always be support, positive emotions, common plans and interests, mutual respect and fulfillment of promises, as well as responsibility for each other.

Relationships with a partner end when you want to distance yourself from him on all issues, including those related to joint leisure.

This article explains how to overcome fear and decide to break up.

1/ The first commandment. Maintain your dignity.

This means that no matter how the relationship develops, no matter how painful and offensive it is, no matter how your partner insults you, you yourself never stoop to insults. Vile words, intrigues, attempts to throw mud at a partner on social networks, venting resentment and anger, attempts to denigrate him in the eyes of friends, and even more so assault - all these are low actions. By doing them, you humiliate yourself. And don’t be surprised that others will begin to humiliate you even more. In addition, it is very easy to lose the respect of even those who were loyal to you: mutual friends, acquaintances. If there really was fire, love, respect in your relationship, if you have a lot in common, and you didn’t ruin the memory of it with bad deeds, everything can work out. Just leave silently. Especially if they make it clear to you: you are no longer needed. Don't try to ask what's wrong. Don't beg to give you a chance, don't convince your partner that he is making an irreparable mistake. Don't confess your love. By doing this you will only humiliate yourself and push your partner away even more.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

You can say that you are very sorry. Quickly pack your things (if you have anything to pack). And disappear from the horizon. Calmly and with dignity. This rule is the same for everyone - men and women. Some, however, believe that men do not give up and must pursue women at all costs. But this is disrespect for the will and desires of the partner. If a woman makes the mistake of pushing away a loving man, she will regret it. But we need to give her time for this. If she's pushing you away now, then most likely she doesn't like you. And she definitely won’t appreciate your persistence, like your love. If she is ready to break up at any moment, and at the slightest disagreement she can throw out: “Let's break up!” - Do you need such a woman?

Moreover, leave. Calmly and with dignity. And even if your love is completely dead, decent behavior protects you. When the emotions subside and you can see the situation more clearly, you will not be excruciatingly painful, disgusted, or ashamed of how you acted.

But here lies in wait for many

Farewell words

The right words when breaking up are an opportunity to maintain warm friendly relations with your ex or, conversely, to strike him in order to avenge the pain caused.

The initiator is a girl

You want to break up with your boyfriend because he didn't appreciate you, was inconsiderate, rude, or something else. You want to say something to him goodbye so that he understands that it was his fault that he lost you. In this case, do not create a scandal and do not behave like a hysterical and neurotic person, otherwise he will only feel relief from the breakup. Smile sweetly and tell him one of the following phrases:

1. Love is like a fire into which you constantly need to add more wood. Lately I've had to do it alone. I'm tired and want to put out the fire. Goodbye.
2. I fell in love with a smart, kind, attentive and caring man. You were like this before, but you have changed dramatically now. It’s very difficult to love you today, so I’m leaving. I wish you happiness and don’t step into the same rake with the next girl.
3. You are still dear to me, but I decide to leave, because from two halves we have turned into enemies. I don't understand you, you don't hear me. It's better to end things now than to hate each other later.
4. I love you, but that doesn't mean I should stop being myself. You wanted to change me and I tried for your sake, but apparently you didn’t like the result. I no longer feel your admiration and love. I choose the real me, and therefore goodbye.
5. I don't know if you'll notice, but I'm leaving. You are too busy with yourself, and you always don’t have enough time for me. I don’t want to be a burden and vegetate endlessly waiting for your attention. Be happy. Goodbye.

If you want to break off a relationship with a guy because you stopped loving him or met someone else, then you shouldn’t be rude to him. Be extremely polite and apologize for the pain you cause, for example:

1. You are a good person and deserve honesty. I don't love you anymore. Sorry. I will be glad if we can maintain friendly relations.
2. When you first kissed me, I thought that I want to spend my life next to you. But I was mistaken, it was not love, but only passion, which faded away over time. This is not your fault, we are just not two halves of a whole, and we have yet to find them. Forgive me for the pain I cause, but please let me go without resentment or hatred.
3. I'm ending our relationship. It so happened that I met another person and felt that he was that same soulmate. Sorry if you can, but it’s better to tell the truth right away than to lead to betrayal and betrayal.

It is not necessary to “cram” these phrases. It is more correct to say something in your own words and from the heart, preserving the meaning inherent in the examples.

Error two. Wait for your partner to return.

You may be going through a breakup right now. And, reading the above, you understand: indeed, there was a lot of good things. But there were no violent quarrels, fights, hysterics or insults. This means your relationship has a chance!

Forget it immediately! This will turn you into a miserable waiter. It will drain you and take up a lot of energy and precious time. Moreover, if your relationship still has the potential for restoration and development, you especially shouldn’t think about it all the time. With your illusions, expectations and hopes, you create an obstacle to the natural flow of life. And you are depriving yourself of new opportunities. Better follow what you teach

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

2/ Second commandment. Live life to the fullest and use every moment to become a better person.

Most likely, lately (even in happy relationships this happens) you have completely abandoned yourself and many of your interests. Because your partner has been a significant part of your life. By the way, conflicts most often arise from such a imbalance. And behind them come separations. There lived a happy, versatile man, interesting to himself and many others. And then he had Big Love and Relationships.

All. No person. Now his whole world revolves around his beloved.

Now is the time to address what you have decided to sacrifice for the sake of your Relationship. Restore old connections, pay more attention to your family, throw yourself into work, resume sports and hobbies if you have abandoned them. All this will help you take your mind off your worries, restore strength, and raise your collapsed self-esteem. This is important to understand: self-esteem does not rise thanks to self-hypnosis like “I deserve more.” It grows and strengthens only as a result of useful, productive activities that bring visible results. And you will receive them: in friendship, work, sports, hobbies. Provided that you immerse yourself in these activities headlong. You will see changes in your appearance. Often so amazing that this fact alone will lift you out of depression. The main thing is to stop suffering! And do something useful.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

But you will never succeed if you commit

Gestalt as a concept

In psychology, the concept of gestalt includes an unresolved problem that has its origin in a past relationship. Gestalt appears in the subconscious as a collective image of a former partner and unprocessed psychological trauma associated with him due to separation. Perhaps the partner said a lot of unnecessary things, behaved inappropriately, committed actions and deeds that left a negative mark on the soul of the abandoned partner.

It is important to complete Gestalt in a timely manner, because the obsessive image of a partner and the unfavorable situation associated with him will constantly return to the person when he is alone, when he is immersed in his thoughts. If this continues for many years in a row, it will lead to long-term internal stress, which may result in an increase in problems in personal life and the need for psychotherapy due to depression.

It is very difficult to cope with gestalt alone , especially in protracted cases.
Only a specialist (psychologist) can determine its presence. Almost always, when breaking up, people who loved each other may experience a gestalt.

Therefore, visiting a psychologist is vital for some people , due to their weak psyche, for example, with suicidal tendencies and unlawful acts.

Only people with a strong will and a stable psyche can complete the gestalt on their own. Such people are passionate about entrepreneurship, some useful (developmental) activity or hobby, they work a lot, play active sports, travel, pay attention to loved ones and people around them, so they have no time left for personal worries.

Unfinished gestalts are unprocessed relationships that accompany a person’s life after suffering psychological trauma. The partner still lives in his head, and the former half tries to associate all the relationships that were with him with the new chosen one. For example, he looks for a person who is similar in appearance and tries to behave the same way with him. Or the image lives in a person’s subconscious constantly. A person cherishes the image of a loved one, falls asleep with him, and preserves the memory of him.

You can cope with the gestalt on your own only at the very beginning of the breakup. To do this you need :

• get rid of all things that remind you of your ex-partner;
• change your place of residence or make rearrangements (repairs) in the rooms;
• change the social circle that connected you with the past;
• block your ex's phone and social networks;
• under no circumstances make contact with him;
• solve general financial problems (mortgages, loans) faster;
• agree with the children on the rules of behavior and conversations with dad or mom, in which the name of the second parent will not be mentioned;
• reconsider your attitude to the situation;
• start dating another person.

Closing the gestalt means re-experience the traumatic situation, live it and let go . Only specialized psychotherapy (immersion in hypnosis or therapeutic sleep) and work with a psychologist can help with this.

A well-developed gestalt will help improve a person’s quality of life and health, since prolonged internal stress can lead to depression, which will then need to be treated with medication.

Error three. Monitoring social networks and gossip.

Almost all people during a breakup periodically monitor their ex’s pages on social networks. How they cause irreparable damage to themselves. At the same time, the details of relationships and separations are endlessly discussed with friends in the kitchen, at the bar over a glass of wine. For men, this happens a little differently, but in general the differences are not too great. Women cry on their friends' shoulders. Men drink a lot and, having completely lost control, share their experiences with their close friends.

Why is all of the above dangerous?

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

First of all, stalking your ex takes up too much energy and time. Are you looking for confirmation that your ex is doing poorly without you? Trying to read between the lines and catch the hidden meaning in ordinary posts? It's so easy to slip into schizophrenia. Many people probably had such an obsessive friend (or girlfriend), who at some point raised concerns about their mental health. Having found a completely banal status on a social network, a photo of his ex at a disco or in a company of friends, he yelled: “Here! I told you, she feels very, very bad without me! She’s deliberately trying to look cheerful in order to offend me!” And it’s okay that the ex has long forgotten about the abandoned guy, she really lives a cheerful, full life (as evidenced by photos on social networks). No reasonable arguments help. The unfortunate abandoned man is sure: it’s all out of spite for him. No matter how funny he is, anyone can be in his place. If he starts looking at his ex’s Instagram 50 times a day and looking for some secret messages there.

Secondly, even if your ex misses you, and every new post on his page clearly shouts about this. But at the same time, he does not take any steps towards reconciliation or at least rapprochement, which means your value is still too low. But, feeding yourself false hopes, you just can’t get unstuck. Waste your precious time and reserves of your energy on mental torment. This is the same as if a smoker would smoke constantly, wanting to get rid of a bad habit. Instead of forming new habits, being distracted by useful activities.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

What if you see that your loved one is truly happy with someone else? Do not persuade yourself that you will immediately let him go with God, wishing him happiness. Most likely, this news will throw you into another round of depression.

Besides, imagine how pathetic you look, peeping through the keyhole at someone else's happy life.

The same goes for endless conversations about failed relationships with friends in search of answers to the questions “why?” and “why?”, Tarot readings, visiting astrologers and similar activities. The opinions of friends in this matter most often do not help. And sometimes they do harm. Only these two can truly understand what is happening between two people. But by constantly thinking and talking about your departed partner, you only strengthen your emotional and mental connection with him. Again, you lose energy, which at this moment should be directed to strengthening and transforming your own personality. Better memorize

What to do if he initiated the breakup

Your premonitions were confirmed, and your beloved man confronted you with the fact that the time had come to leave. What to do in such a situation, how to break up with your beloved man and survive it, will be suggested by the advice of a psychologist.

To find the strength to survive this misfortune, engage in psychoanalysis.

• Look for the reason within yourself to avoid similar situations in the future. He is not satisfied with your manners, character, tastes or intimacy? Or maybe he’s just not ready for a serious relationship and the whole root of evil is in him. Having understood these points, it will be much easier for you to cope with the breakup.
• Look for flaws in your lover. In fact, he is not the ideal that you made up in your imagination. Having looked at it critically, take a blank sheet of paper and, dividing it into 2 columns, write down all its advantages and disadvantages. After analyzing what was written, you will understand that you have idealized your lover too much. Or, on the contrary, you will understand that you can come to terms with some shortcomings and get used to them, because... the advantages, even if there are not many of them, outweigh.

• Set yourself a time period for missing your loved one, during which you allow yourself to cry. When the time comes to an end, hide his gifts, photographs and things that remind him of him as far from view as possible.
• Share your grief in a mirror or in a journal. This way you can remove the burden of grievances, obsessive thoughts and memories. You can write about your experiences in a diary. Psychologists say that feelings and emotions set out on paper become the past, cease to be a mental burden and are released.
• Cry “in your vest” to a loved one, mom or best friend. Just talk it out - it will ease your soul.
• Release your emotions in a deserted place - scream loudly, cry at the top of your voice. Your grief will become less severe.
• Get involved in a business or career. Sports training, improvement of your apartment or new projects at work will distract you, and the success achieved will give you self-confidence and increase your attractiveness to men.
• Break up your everyday life with holidays. Let it be meetings with friends, parties, travel, visits to museums and concerts, picnics in nature. Allow yourself to buy a new dress or jewelry, get a new hairstyle.
• Accept the end of the love affair. Remove from your head thoughts that begin with the word “if only...” Everything that is not done is for the better!

Time will heal the wounds caused by the rupture. Remember that you are a beautiful, confident, wise woman who will definitely meet a worthy man with whom you will certainly be happy.

Error four. “Everything is to spite him!”

Having run after a partner for a long time, having received a refusal, tired of worrying, constantly checking pages on social networks and guessing from the coffee grounds, a person rushes to the other extreme. He begins to live for show. The statuses and photographs on his pages are full of hysterical joy. In attempts to show the world that he was captured by the whirlwind of life (fans, success, adventures, etc.), the person again looks funny. Most importantly, ostentatious fun also takes a lot of energy. But it doesn’t bring the desired result.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

Like a new romance started to spite an ex. Loudly, quickly and also for show. All these numerous and absurd body movements clearly reveal the pain, uncertainty, low self-esteem and despair of the “actor” who has decided to play a prosperous life. Moreover, this is noticeable to almost all viewers - from close friends to the latest subscribers on the social network. And most often, exes, watching such a performance, grimace with disgust. Just making sure that your decision is correct - well, who needs such a buffoon? Also pathetic. Again, this applies to both genders.

Another situation, also dangerous. Let’s say that when they parted, both got excited. They broke the wood. But your relationship can still be restored. However, as a result of all this frantic activity of feigning happiness, you will only push your partner away. And then you will be overwhelmed even more - from the realization that you have completely destroyed the relationship. Better use it

4/ The fourth commandment. Don't do anything for show and don't live out of spite

After breaking up with a person, minimize any contact. Delete his number in your phone book so you don’t accidentally stumble upon him. Delete all correspondence. Put all your joint photographs out of sight (at least to some very distant cloud, where you won’t look for other archives). Unfollow your ex on social media. Let nothing remind you of them. If you have a common company (or common children, which, of course, is more difficult), think about how you can minimize communication. If there is an opportunity to change the situation, to leave for a while, feel free to drop everything and leave. The main thing is, don’t do anything out of spite, for show, out of a desire to prove. All this takes energy. And now you need what gives you strength: healthy sleep and nutrition, daily routine, sports, art, communication with interesting people, work, self-care, family environment. These are the areas of life that any person can rely on. And this is what gives energy. Even just following a daily routine and getting good, regular sleep will help you a lot.

And stop doing it already

What to write to dump him via SMS

If you have decided to leave a young man via SMS, it is important to choose the right words for this. It is best to compose the text of the message in such a way that the man understands that it’s not about him, he is good and caring, but together you cannot have a strong relationship, or you simply stopped loving him and are not ready to continue the relationship. There is no need to use harsh words and try to hurt or offend the young man - it is always better to part on a good note.

You can start by writing words of gratitude for the time spent together and for the pleasant moments. Then you need to mention that you wish the young man happiness and that he meets a girl with whom he will definitely have a strong alliance. And it is definitely important to indicate the reason for the breakup, so that the young man can understand your actions: have you stopped loving him, do you want to try your luck with someone else, do you have other reasons for the breakup.

Error five. Don't start any new relationships

After breaking up with someone you love, it's not easy to become infatuated with someone again. And self-esteem, again, is as low as ever. Someone refuses to meet new people because “the wounds have not yet healed.” And some decide never to start a relationship again. And this often has fatal consequences.

What should you absolutely not do when breaking up with your loved one?

Yes, it's hard for you now. You will compare all new acquaintances with your ex, and the comparisons will be in his favor. However, sitting in captivity and not letting anyone near you will certainly not free you from the ghosts of the past. No one will appreciate your stubborn loyalty to a bygone relationship. But you yourself will turn into a sad, stunted mushroom. And when, after several years of imprisonment, you still decide to go out to people, you will see that they shy away from you.

There is no need to go to all lengths. Just follow

Signs of destructive (neurotic) and normal relationships

In a normal relationship there is neither a victim nor a manipulator. A partner who loves you will not use you for his own purposes. The manipulator directly needs your tension, your attention, your experiences, your concentration on him. Love is not a game, don’t let anyone play with you and your feelings.

You might be wondering: what difference does it make how you throw? We have zero in common and will never see each other again. No matter what they say to each other at the end, nothing will change.

BUT before you burn bridges...