Why do people make you make excuses?
Mostly people make you make excuses to make you feel guilty. Sometimes such tactics are chosen with the goal of making you doubt your abilities and, against the background of this, find yourself in a more advantageous situation. They want to remind you of the negative past, force you to return there, submit to someone’s will, and have no right to make a mistake. This is to some extent manipulative and can be used for the purpose of blackmail. When you voice and admit your guilt, you can return to this issue at any time, remind you of the offense and use your helplessness for your own selfish purposes.
Therefore, before making excuses, carefully think through all the words that you will pronounce. Give arguments that will help you describe the situation (the reasons for your actions), but under no circumstances begin to describe in detail how and for what reason you found yourself in this situation (especially do not focus on your emotions).
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Don't explain your words and actions
Get used to speaking to the point, concisely and accurately, without delving into details. You were late or looked at a member of the opposite sex with a look that supposedly (according to your partner) made him feel jealous. You shouldn’t tell why you were late, going into details (for example, the alarm clock didn’t ring, everyone overslept, the children had to be taken to school and kindergarten, etc.). It will be enough to say that the alarm clock failed and call it a day. There is also no need to explain that your gaze did not mean anything, you did not make eyes, you did not call for communication. Tell your partner what it was like, since you didn’t do anything like that. The fact remains a fact, and an intelligent, well-mannered person will always understand you.
Make the person justify himself in response
For example, you were late for a meeting because you were stuck in a traffic jam. This has never happened to you, this happened for the first time, but the presiding officer focused all his attention on this. He says that being late to a meeting means disrespecting everyone present. Your task is to transfer the blow to him. Tell them it's disrespectful to wear a sweater and jeans to a meeting. It would be much better to go home, put on a suit and be a little late than to show up out of uniform. Most likely, a person will begin to make excuses that everyone here is their own, so the dress code can be loose.
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This statement is ambiguous and may raise a number of questions. Some people think that it is better to be late, but dress decently; others are sure that you can appear before the eyes of those present straight from bed, without combing your hair or putting yourself in order. You have achieved your goal because all the attention has shifted from you to the other person.
What can you do?
You can keep feelings of guilt under control by getting used to:
- Praise yourself, noting even the most insignificant at first glance achievements and positive results in general;
- Give up the idea of pleasing everyone; this is impossible in principle;
- Never compare yourself with others; this is the main source of complexes;
- Don't try to help everyone at once; some people do not need your help, others will not appreciate it, others will not be able to use it for their own benefit. This is a given that must be accepted.
Learn to defend yourself
You return home later than usual because you had to work late. You managed to warn your wife in advance, but she just can’t calm down. Of course, you can once again explain in a nutshell that you were at work and couldn’t leave earlier. If your spouse does not understand and begins to reproach you, which is an indirect undeserved accusation, you should go on the attack, namely, tell her: “I was where I was most comfortable, and if you continue to speak in this tone, I will have to go back there again." You can apply this technique not only at home, but also at work and anywhere else. If you are truly right and have nothing to blame yourself for, do not make excuses, as this will damage your self-esteem.
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Effective ways to solve the problem
If you have already managed to assess the scale of the current situation in which you are unconsciously looking for excuses for your own actions, then start changing your personal image. To stop being afraid of responsibility for your actions, you need to give up false fabrications, increase self-esteem and gain patience, guided by the following recommendations:
Do not engage in the construction of illusory “castles”, but begin to realize yourself, achieving your cherished goals and achieving the desired results. Reconsider priorities, where on the new hierarchical ladder responsibility (business) will be located one step higher than laziness (fun). Find your own motivation to overcome new obstacles, being inspired by the “peaks” you have already conquered. Learn to correctly explain to your interlocutor the reasons for the offense, so that the monologue does not look like an excuse, but is a detailed and constructive story that is not devoid of meaning. Don’t put off difficult things for later, preferring to “have breakfast” and start a new life on Monday. Today you have the opportunity to change the current situation by developing another personal advantage. Stop making long-term plans that remain only on paper. Over a long period of time, people manage to “burn out”, abandoning the idea to the sidelines of consciousness. Set realistic goals that you can implement in the near future.
By following simple rules, in a short period of time you can become a self-sufficient person who is responsible for his actions. In the process of self-development, you will have to reconsider life values, abandoning tricks and tricks, fiction and adventure stories. Honesty and thoroughness are integral components of a new personal appearance.
By adjusting your worldview and changing your priorities, luck will definitely turn its face to you, assessing the scale of personal development. By giving up excuses, you eliminate unnecessary reasons for quarrels with loved ones. Famous people often choose the following quote as their life credo: “Desire is a thousand opportunities, and reluctance is a thousand obstacles.”
Answer a question with a question
You were asked an uncomfortable question that you don’t want to answer, and you refused (or changed the topic). The interlocutor asks you: “Why are you so nervous?”, to which you can answer him with the same question. Everyone remembers that you cannot answer a question with a question, but there are exceptional cases when this technique can be used. If you are dealing with a tactless person, any tactic will be justified. Therefore, do not be afraid to put a person in a place where he will feel uncomfortable. You were asked if you are going to get married, do not answer, but immediately ask what the person ate to gain so much weight or when he or she is going to have children (if he or she is married and has no children). You cannot be like ill-mannered people, but sometimes you need to do this in order to explain this tactlessness to a person in a language he understands.
Don't apologize out of flattery or tact.
If you really feel guilty and want to apologize, by all means do so. However, do not use the words “sorry” and “excuse me” just like that. Remember that you don’t owe anyone anything, so there’s no need to utter flattering words that should actually be filled with deep meaning. Remember the people who constantly apologize (they may be among your friends or in literary works, films, etc.).
They are definitely not likable, but look as if they are ready to serve everyone. Such people cannot count on respectful treatment; they are not considered strong individuals. And all because they make excuses for every reason and apologize all the time. You shouldn’t be like them; you should always be specific and concise in your statements. Respect, forgive and be objective about the mistakes of yourself and those around you, since everyone makes them and always has the opportunity to correct them.
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Common reasons for making excuses
If a person constantly makes excuses, then there is no need to talk about his self-sufficiency. Such people experience an internal personality conflict that arises as a result of a variety of disagreements at the subconscious level. To eliminate this shortcoming, which darkens the moral character, it is necessary to first deal with the pressing problems that served as the prerequisites for the emergence of optionality and disorganization. Practicing psychologists classify excuses in accordance with the nature of the driving force that forces a person to lie and invent into three categories:
Rationalization.
An effective defense mechanism based on the analysis of the situation that occurred. In an attempt to justify their own misdeeds, people look for suitable motives that explain the importance of the manipulation carried out. Self-deception, designed to search for truth in the wilds of lies.
Moralization.
In the process of internal dialogue, the “guilty person” tries to justify his own actions, guided by the necessity of the action taken. External factors and moral motives are used as arguments, projecting the excuse as a white lie.
Intellectualization.
A way to control the negative range of emotions that appears after another round of excuses. By thinking about the appropriateness of his manipulation, a person calms down, holding back despair and frustration.
Having familiarized yourself with the generalized categories, you can directly consider the reasons from which they are composed. Common prerequisites for constant excuses are:
Low self-esteem, accompanied by despair and self-doubt. Such people initially occupy losing positions. Even the truth can be told in such a way that you don’t want to believe it. The fear of disappointing a loved one, which turned out to be stronger than nobility and honesty. In an attempt to meet expectations, people resort to lies, presenting themselves in a better light than they really are. Remember that in the process of inventing unreliable events, you show disrespect to your interlocutor, considering him narrow-minded. Accusations inherent in bosses who adhere to an authoritarian management style in dealing with subordinates. Employees begin to involuntarily make excuses, not even feeling guilty, but feeling the psychological pressure of the manager. Deception becomes another significant reason why people descend into unintelligible fiction. Wanting to preserve the true premises, few people know how to come up with a plausible story in an emergency that the interlocutor will have to believe. Laziness leads to tardiness and disorganization. Because of one insidious flaw, another appears. A person gets used to “accounting” when he reports his wrongdoing. Without presenting the situation from different angles, he obviously finds himself in a losing position. Over time, others lose confidence in such a character. The absence of moral and highly moral qualities in the personal appearance of a person, for whom excuses become a way of maintaining neutral relationships with the employer and colleagues, significant other and friends. Shame is a common factor at the forefront of fiction. In an attempt to maintain honor and dignity in front of his interlocutor, the “offender” begins to explain himself incomprehensibly, inventing a story that could become the plot for an adventure film.
A strong person differs from a weak person in the ability to admit his own mistakes, correcting the current situation. People who are unsure of their own abilities let events take their course, without bothering about the consequences. Shortsightedness is an integral component of the type, which has a variety of excuses in its arsenal. The main disadvantage of excuses and fabrications is their implausibility, because every time you have to come up with fascinating stories that cover the scale of previous reasons for being late or removing responsibility for making a decision.
