Many psychological and philosophical concepts say that people need to be believed. This brings peace to your own soul and makes life easier. Mistrust in many ways brings unnecessary experiences, and often when these experiences are strong and groundless, they can destroy any relationship.
The need to have a circle where complete trust is possible determines the normal development of the individual, its stability and the ability to adapt to the world. That is why, after a series of collisions with the real world, where betrayal and lies are possible, a person wants to return to his original state and is looking for ways to trust people after betrayal.
Be honest
...like a perfectly transparent glass window! To regain trust, the guilty party must be completely transparent. A devotee cannot think for a minute that there are any secrets. Secrecy will create further mistrust.
For example, when the phone rings, don’t say, “I’ll pick up” and go into another room. As a trust buster, there's a lot to fix. Leave aside those feelings that someone is trying to take over someone's personal life. At the moment this is not the most important thing. It's hard to earn trust again, so be open and honest with yourself.
What do psychologists advise?
You shouldn’t constantly keep everything under control, you need to learn to trust other people. Yes, you can, you are used to being responsible for everything and feel responsible. However, as soon as you loosen control, great relief will immediately come, life will be filled with new colors, and time will appear that you can spend on yourself. And all this can be achieved by starting to trust people.
Allow those around you to make mistakes, because they are not perfect. Let them learn and take responsibility for their own misdeeds on their own. A person is capable of making mistakes, so he must be given a chance to improve.
Reasons why people betray or deceive
Whether you can trust a person who once betrayed depends on the motivation, reasons and the situation of betrayal or deception itself, as well as on the person’s personal characteristics and the feelings present. With the exception of rare situations of planned betrayal, the perpetrators themselves do not consider their actions to be something bad, and if you still try to see not only your own injured party, but also the reasons for the one who allegedly betrayed, you can reduce the level of resentment and claims.
Not only different semantic and life concepts provide the basis for actions that are unexpected for another, but also the emotional state of a person. A colleague is not going to intentionally rat you out in front of his superiors, but if they have been shouting at him for twenty minutes and blaming him for all the sins and failure of the corporation, then reporting shortcomings in the work of others is a defensive reaction in a stressful situation, an attempt to somehow save your own psyche from frustration .
In principle, by trusting, we ourselves give a person the opportunity to betray - trust disappears where the other does not live up to our expectations, and we impose them on the other without informing or consulting whether he can fulfill them. When you have not emphasized that you should not discuss your experiences with others, the story can be considered a betrayal. But you didn’t forbid doing this, and the motives could have been to find help to get you out of this situation.
If you have never discussed your future together, the requirements of fidelity and general views on interaction, then the presence of a second passion for him can be considered as a betrayal, but this may turn out to be normal for him. After all, it was only you who came up with fidelity, but for someone else, your relationship may still look like the initial stage, when there is freedom of choice. To avoid this kind of betrayal, you should constantly clarify your requirements and even seemingly self-explanatory points.
The situation is different in situations where all actions seem to be regulated, for example, in war. There it is not customary to abandon others, hide or hand over important information, it is recorded and voiced, every person follows this code. However, there are situations when the personal predominates - under threat to the life or health of loved ones, during prolonged torture, with post-traumatic stress and other other conditions, a person is not able to control his behavior by volitional effort. Yes, this can be considered a betrayal, but if you put yourself in the person’s shoes, it may turn out that you would give up faster.
And of course, we should not forget about such reasons for betrayal as personal gain and advancement. When the explanation does not include either the situation or the emotional state, and the person simply goes towards the intended goal. Perhaps this is true betrayal, carried out consciously.
Apologies
Express your remorse. Be sincere. It will be quite a long journey to repair the damage. Do everything you can to let your partner know how supportive your partner is.
The tips listed above may work. But there must be a willingness to try, be sure to do what is necessary, and, of course, have a mutual decision that the relationship is worth saving.
It all depends on the person. What to do next?
Negative consequences of pathological mistrust
Such manifestations often cause a lot of unpleasant problems in everyday life. Moreover, you may not even be aware of why something is going wrong. There are several of the most serious consequences of uncontrolled distrust of people:
- Difficulties at work.
This is the first thing that is affected by the inability to communicate normally with people. You stop trusting the advice of your colleagues because you are sure that they want to harm you in every possible way and expose you to management.
At meetings with your boss, it is difficult to listen to his recommendations and promises, since every word raises doubts. Of course, all this does not contribute to career advancement.
- Inability to build a comfortable, healthy relationship with a man.
Photo by Liza Summer: Pexels
Everything here is basically clear. When there is no trust in your partner, dating and living with him will become simply impossible. After all, every minute spent apart will turn into a source of suspicion and various negative thoughts. Such a relationship will not last long.
- Problems with social interaction.
If you don't trust anyone, it becomes almost impossible to make friends. As a result, in difficult times there will be no one to share your experiences with. This greatly affects emotional stability and general well-being.
- Neuroses and paranoia.
When it seems that everyone around you is plotting something evil against you, your brain begins to play a cruel joke, throwing up more and more new plots. Mistrust is a direct path to the development of paranoid thoughts and severe neuroses due to constant nervous tension.
- Low self-esteem.
A consequence of failures in your personal life, career and attempts to make friends with someone. You will start to feel like everyone else is doing well. After a long period of soul-searching and searching for causes, depression and low self-esteem come.
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Attempts to define the concept
Psychologists explain the concept of self-confidence in different ways. Some believe that this is the ability to perceive your needs and desires as the greatest value. Although, as for me, this is rather evidence of self-respect and self-love.
Others are sure that only an honest person who does not engage in self-deception can have confidence in himself. Still others believe that this character trait arises under one condition - when the conscience is clear. Fourth – when you manage to accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses.
Interlocutor analysis
Take a closer look at who you communicate with. Before you open up, you need to understand what your interlocutor is like. This is especially true when you communicate with members of the opposite sex. Naturally, everyone needs great and sincere love. However, it is necessary to understand that ideal people do not exist. In life you can encounter any person who has not only positive, but also negative sides.
How to trust a person? When communicating, you need to be guided not only by your own feelings. Take a closer look at the character and actions of your interlocutor, study his manner of behavior. There should be no unjustified hopes. Try not to expect from a person what he is not able to give.
Such a position should be a priority not only in relationships, but also in business activities. Naturally, you need to trust people. But first you should collect information about them.
Who can you trust?
Naturally, there are people who should not be trusted. But quite often there are those who will not betray. You need to trust such people. What character traits do they have?
- You need to trust honest people who strive to tell the truth and do not lie in their own interests.
- There are people who only talk but don't act. However, if a person keeps his word, you can trust him. Naturally, it is not always possible to fulfill the promise perfectly. But if he does do what he promised, you can trust him. And you shouldn’t pay attention to small mistakes.
- Calm and correct individuals who know how to keep their emotions to themselves, think with their heads and show adequacy in difficult situations are worthy of trust. Such people will be reliable in any relationship, you can always rely on them.
- You can trust those who do not wish you harm, who sincerely rejoice at any achievements and appreciate you.
- What does a person you can trust look like? We all have our shortcomings and vices. But if a person wants to change for the better, cope with his negative character traits and constantly works on himself, he can be trusted.
I'm afraid of everything
Anna Utkina. Photo: Anna Danilova
I'm afraid all the time. Mainly oncology, but also blood clots, multiple sclerosis and heart attack. I'm afraid of the dark, of going far from home, of losing sight of one of the children. I’m afraid I won’t get enough sleep (and that’s why I can’t get enough sleep without pills), I’m afraid that my loved ones will die in their sleep. I'm afraid of maniacs, I'm afraid of the elevator, I'm afraid that I'll throw up. Rotavirus for me is hell on earth. I'm afraid of the inevitability of death. Not so much that I’m a little afraid, sometimes I think or “Oh, when I think about it...”. And I constantly spin these thoughts in my head. I have been struggling with anxiety disorder since November 2015. I faceof anxiety disorder.
It all started with an operation to remove a benign tumor. When my histology came back, the doctor advised me to double-check the result at the oncology clinic. “Mistakes happen so often! - he said. “There was one case...” This became a trigger that set off a terrible alarm in my head. Everything began to grow like a snowball.
Reading the stories of seriously ill people, I began to try them on myself. Moreover, many could not be diagnosed for a long time, people missed valuable time. Over the course of two years, I did five or six ultrasounds of each organ, an MRI of the brain, and an MSCT scan of the skull (it seemed to me that the skull was a little uneven). And even the positive research results could not convince me. After all, mistakes happen!
What will happen to my children? Who will take care of my elderly parents, because I am an only child! For two years my life resembled hell with a constant search for symptoms of often non-existent diseases.
Every morning I started with self-diagnosis. Did you go to the mirror and look to see if a rash appeared anywhere? She constantly checked the condition of the lymph nodes, teeth, and pupil size. Any cold and slight increase in temperature were accompanied by detailed blood tests, urine tests, and allergy tests.
Tried to act like she didn't care
Vivian grew up the middle of three sisters and always felt like the black sheep of the family. Her two sisters were athletic and popular, adored by everyone, including her parents, while Vivian always felt like she didn't belong in their circle. She was more interested in the theater club, computers and art events, and all this was alien to Vivian’s family.
Although Vivian knew that her family cared about her, she never felt fully loved or accepted by them. Vivian always tried to act like she didn't care when in reality she was in a lot of pain.
In high school, Vivian gained a reputation as a black sheep. She figured that if people considered her a rebel, then she would be able to live up to her reputation. Vivian broke many boundaries and rules and came across as someone who was constantly in trouble for one reason or another.
After high school, she decided to travel for a year before going to college, and even now, years later, the woman realizes that it was one of the best decisions she ever made. For the first time in her life, she did not live in the shadow of her sisters.
Now that the sisters are older and have their own families, Vivian gets along well with them. Given her respectable job and impressive income, Vivian is no longer considered a troublemaker, but she still feels like she doesn't fit in with the family and therefore still doesn't let her sisters get too close.
Vivian is an Outcast.
Looking for motivation
People do this to other people for a variety of reasons. The reasons given for doing so are significant and rational for the person doing them. They may feel resentful, lonely and/or unappreciated. Sometimes an outsider does a job that the other partner failed.
For example, in the movie Thief of Hearts, Mickey Davis, played by Barbara Williams, is constantly ignored by her husband, Ray Davis, played by John Getz, whose main focus is writing. The hero is always working against a deadline. The character's wife is nothing more than an accessory in his life. It doesn't take long for an encounter with a handsome stranger, played by Steven Bauer, to reveal a lady's lonely heart and make the heart sink in the romance. Giving the woman all the attention that she doesn’t get from her own husband. Of course, this man is a thief, has stolen all of her diaries and now knows her deepest, darkest desires and desires.
Motivation plays an important role in maintaining relationships. Neglect, an unsatisfactory sex life, anger, lack of commitment - all this can lead to cheating. Then blame yourself for what happened, or even take part in it. Although, perhaps, there was no trace of this. The article by A. Pavlovsky states:
“You can be perfectly correct, but still the temptation to deceive overshadows your partner’s common sense, having nothing to do with the quality of the feelings shared.”
How to learn to trust
Lack of trust is not a death sentence. Many people who did not receive the necessary dose of love in childhood enter adulthood with a lack of trust in others. But they have the power to change their attitude towards the world. To do this you need to start taking action.
Psychologists consider the following technique to be effective in helping to develop trust.
1. Think about where your mistrust came from. Perhaps it is associated with negative experiences with other people. But if someone deceived you, this does not mean that you need to suspect the entire population of our planet of dishonesty. This is how immature – childish – thinking manifests itself. Global conclusions cannot be drawn based on one or two cases.
Psychologists recommend analyzing the unpleasant situation that happened to you, “replaying” it and “letting go”, at the same time forgiving the offender.
2. Write down on paper what psychological attitudes prevent you from showing trust. Well, for example, such phrases: “We live in a world where lies and deceit reign,” “I am surrounded by crooks who strive to deceive and steal,” “People by nature are greedy and self-interested; move”...
Now try to prove the fallacy of each of these judgments. Surely you will remember cases when a bag of groceries that was forgotten in a supermarket was returned to you, or when a seller on his own initiative offered you a discount on a quality product, or when you were given the bottom bunk in a train compartment... If you think carefully, there are such cases that prove selflessness, honesty and the kindness of others, one can cite a huge number.
3. Try to turn off the strict “censor” in yourself, who tends to see a catch and a bad meaning in everything. Criticism towards people is good in moderation. Set yourself up for a positive perception of a particular person. Tell yourself: he never let me down, never betrayed my trust, that’s why I trust him. Remember the presumption of innocence.
This is what the process of re-education looks like. It is clear that no one is calling for throwing away all caution in relationships with unfamiliar people. But getting rid of excessive distrust, which threatens to develop into pathological, will be a blessing. This may require consultation with a psychologist. But the main thing is the desire to change. And it's worth the effort.
Positive qualities of an Outcast
Outcasts tend to be mobile, motivated, and determined to succeed in a particular endeavor. Even if a reward is not expected, they will be happy to express themselves in this way. Outcasts are often successful. Where most people would have given up long ago or given up hope of making a difference, the Outcast is persistent and willing to take risks.
The Outcast may not always be a great team player, but he is capable of being an excellent leader. An outcast, in principle, is not afraid of mistakes, uses any opportunities and knows how to take responsibility.
The Outcast is an individualist, he thinks critically and often has extraordinary opinions. These people tend to be attracted to careers that allow them to think outside the box, recognize their individual achievements, and promote recognition. They prefer to do everything on their own, to lead, rather than follow other people's instructions.
