The moment a spouse cheats, a shift occurs in the relationship and it can be very difficult to rebuild the trust that previously existed in the marriage. I often work with people who come to me for help rebuilding relationships after cheating. I won't sugarcoat it, this is no walk in the park. Rebuilding trust after being deceived is not an easy task, but it is possible.
Is it possible to regain trust after betrayal?
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Trust is a simple but very meaningful word. It is trust that is the basis of any relationship, since trust, this invisible substance
, like powerful cement holds together that without which normal relationships are impossible.
If there is trust in your relationship, then you will sleep peacefully at night, feeling peace and tranquility. And it is trust that makes every phone call, every text message from your partner so welcome and enjoyable.
. And only thanks to trust can any relationship be preserved even when the partners remain for a long period of time at an arc distance from each other.
Set the record straight
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When betrayal occurs, this event is perceived as a disaster - nothing less. Emotions run high, a stream of mutual accusations begins, which develops into some kind of long-term military conflict
. However, nothing in this world happens for nothing. Everything needs a reason. And to clarify, we need to dig deeper.
Did something happen between both you and your partner that should have been addressed sooner, but was ignored?
Talk to your partner. Try to figure out what happened and why. You may be bursting with anger, no doubt, but if you really want reconciliation
, you MUST learn to listen to each other. The answers that are heard in such a dialogue often allow you to get to the bottom of that very first wormhole that appeared in your relationship long before the betrayal.
Cheating itself is just a symptom (and not the only one), but not the main problem.
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It is very important that both sides show a desire to start this dialogue - open, honest, although very painful. In other words, both sides
must be sincerely interested in:
- clarify what happened;
- be ready to re-concentrate the efforts that are necessary to rebuild the relationship again.
If this does not happen, then your relationship will surely die, agonizing in a flood of pain, regret and resentment.
conclusions
No explanation for her husband’s infidelity will be perceived as exhaustive. Such a cruel act cannot be justified by anything. The pain will seem unbearable, and it will not always be possible to come to an agreement with yourself. Thoughts will rush from one extreme to another. That’s why professional help from a specialist is so important.
You cannot push yourself to the extreme, when prolonged and severe stress transforms into a psychological illness. Several consultations with our psychologists will help you cope with pain using constructive methods and fully heal. Understand your mistakes and don’t repeat them again. Rewrite your future by starting a new happy life.
Identify motives
People do certain things for certain reasons. Usually these actions are rational and important to the one who performs them. And such an act as treason is no exception. People who committed treason
, may feel hurt, lonely or unappreciated. Most often, they try to find on the side what they do not get from their partner.
Take a standard situation: one of the partners in a relationship receives less attention from the other. For what reason he is not given this attention is another question. Perhaps one of the partners is too busy with their career
, devotes a lot of time to friends or there were other reasons. And a person who suffers from a lack of this attention quite reasonably looks for it on the side.
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If on the path of such a person he meets someone who is ready to pay maximum attention, who is ready to spend all his time on communication and courtship
, it will not be difficult for him or her to reach the heart of a person deprived of this same attention.
It is also possible (and this is not uncommon) when the partner who was cheated on blames himself for what happened. There are also difficult situations when you did everything right, giving to your partner
the maximum that people in a relationship can usually give each other. But your partner still cheated on you for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Motivation also plays an important role in maintaining or repairing relationships. And then it’s no longer so important what exactly led to the betrayal
– dissatisfaction with your sex life, some small old grievances, lack of the same attention.
The main reasons why my husband turns to the left
- Lack of emotional intimacy
- Fresh and boring relationships
- New emotions
- Violation of prohibitions
- Unfulfilled sexual desires
- Psychological terror
It is extremely important for a man to feel the support of his wife. Read in her eyes that she empathizes with him, values him, shows sensitivity and care. Therefore, if the husband does not see a kindred spirit in her and does not feel like “the very best”, he will look for these emotions elsewhere.
When there is no intrigue in a relationship, and the wife turns from a seductress into a respectable housewife and mother, becomes boring and predictable, the husband loses interest and is pulled “to the side.” Sooner or later, a man in his life is faced with the “Madonna-Whore” syndrome - no matter how “saint” his wife is, he is irresistibly attracted to “harlots.”
Man is a creative person by nature and always strives for something new, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. Therefore, in most cases, the husband cheats not because his mistress is younger or more beautiful, but because he craves new strong emotions and discoveries: “Next to her, I am young again, I have finally begun to live...” and so on.
First of all, sex is an intensity of emotions. A man strives to break the rules (including cheating) for the sake of crazy sensations. Mystery, intrigue, danger - it excites and excites in a special way. After all, it is the forbidden fruit that is the sweetest.
One of the main reasons for cheating is sexual dissatisfaction. It is she who “pushes” a man to the side most of all. Sex is not just a need, it is creativity, crazy energy and “opening up” of partners. This is a different reality, created for experiments, self-knowledge and self-realization. Everyone has sexual fantasies that they want to fulfill. Therefore, if the spouse does not satisfy some sexual desires, does not help her to open up and realize her potential, the husband will cheat.
Self-doubt, various complexes and constant criticism from the wife can push the husband to cheat. This is a psychological defense: a way to assert oneself and prove to a partner that he is not nearly as bad as she is accustomed to think.
Get serious about rebuilding your relationship.
How valuable was the relationship that ended in cheating to you? If the first passions
After you find out about the betrayal and have settled down, ask yourself the following three questions:
- Am I ready/willing to interact with her/him despite what happened?
- Do I still love her/him?
- Am I ready/willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this crisis in the relationship?
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These are complex questions that cannot be answered immediately, offhand. warm feelings and respect left in you
, which could become the basis for restoring relations. Ask yourself, for example, are you able to have fun together and share each other's company most of the time?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above questions, then, despite the long and difficult path left behind, it makes sense to make an effort to move forward together
. If you are willing to dedicate your lives to each other, if you are sincerely willing to work together to figure out the situation together, then the chances remain that will allow you to overcome these difficulties together.
If you accept this, then you need to move on. There should be no indecisiveness. Now you have a simple choice - all or nothing
. If you hesitate, then you are not ready to restore the relationship.
Into the pool with your head or how not to be deceived again
The fear of encountering her husband’s betrayal again persists for quite a long time. It is necessary to work with it in the same way as with resentment. There are two proven methods:
- Undergo psychological rehabilitation that will teach you to live without fear, increase self-esteem and restore self-confidence.
- Lead an active lifestyle - you should always be busy doing things that give you pleasure (except work): hiking, hobby groups, training courses, sports clubs.
And also take precautions that will protect you from possible cheating on your husband:
- carefully control the situation in the family;
- find common hobbies for your couple;
- set boundaries for personal space;
- arrange relaxation evenings outside the home;
- realize each other's erotic fantasies;
- support the man, don't criticize him.
Contact a family psychologist
Jacob Lund
A civil engineer has an excellent understanding of construction; surgeon - in how the human body functions; and the psychologist deals with the complexities of human relationships. And if this were not so, such a specialty simply would not exist
. Almost always, rebuilding trust and wanting to rebuild a relationship is a difficult choice that requires courage. Sometimes with a lot of courage.
And since you have taken this step, but are experiencing difficulties on your chosen path, then why not take another one - turn to a family psychologist? People who are professionals
in matters of relationships and psychology in general, they know what to pay attention to first of all in such cases.
You and your partner may be quite smart and experienced, but you don't have to know, for example, how to operate on appendicitis. And don’t be embarrassed by the fact that you don’t know how to proceed after cheating.
. Third-party help, if it comes from a real professional, cannot be overestimated in this situation.
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A psychologist for those who have decided to cope with betrayal, forgive it and rebuild a relationship with the same partner, this is akin to a pilot who will guide your ship through stormy waters, avoiding rocks and reefs
. This is exactly what is needed not only by the person who was cheated on, but also by the one who committed the betrayal.
Some statistics
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A survey was conducted in Russia in 2022, in which 3,000 men participated, and it showed the following results:
- 76% of Russian-speaking men have cheated on their wife at least once;
- 60% had extramarital affairs on a regular basis;
- 11% date single women;
- 60% have relationships with other people's wives.
Forgiveness
You were fighting for your relationship. You worked tirelessly to overcome what happened. Your relationship is still quite fragile
, but at least you continue to work together to preserve and strengthen them.
Sometimes, despite the fact that you have not separated and hope to overcome the crisis
, feelings of resentment and even indignation persist. This only says one thing - the betrayal was not forgiven.
And then the victim of betrayal begins to use the situation in such a way as to extract various advantages from it. Phrases such as “it’s not for you to talk about this after what you did/did”
into your communication
every now and then . Treason begins to be used in disputes as a reproach; the person who has been cheated on constantly reminds the perpetrator that he has crossed a certain line.
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In other words, the victim of betrayal considers himself entitled to act as a kind of executioner (which, in fact, happens all the time). This means you haven't gotten over the betrayal yet.
– you, both partners. The cheater, perhaps, constantly feels guilty, giving in to disputes and conflicts.
This is a dead-end path that will not allow you to restore dilapidated relationships. Maintaining them for some time is possible. But build strong and trust-based
Only complete forgiveness will help the relationship rebuild. Complete forgiveness is when the victim of treason forgives the perpetrator of treason, and the perpetrator of treason forgives himself.
Give each other time
If someone has had an accident that results in a fracture, it will take a long time for the fracture to heal. But even then he will remind himself
, whine in bad weather, require special care and attention. Unfortunately, for many, betrayal turns out to be much more painful than a fracture.
A broken heart, even if you try to “glue it back together,” can take years to heal. Therefore, you should not be surprised that the situation does not let you go after a month, six months or even a year.
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According to psychologists, if couples manage to survive infidelity, it sometimes takes up to three years for the situation to be completely resolved
. Of course, a lot depends on the circumstances; much depends on the depth of feelings, on the sincerity of subsequent relationships.
However, if you are determined to restore your relationship, if you are ready to survive this difficult moment, give and earn forgiveness, you will need patience
. You must go through stages of anger, despondency, distrust, vulnerability and perhaps a feeling of shame. It is necessary to drink this bitter cup to the fullest.
Do not try to speed up this process - it is almost impossible. Take one small step towards each other
. Contact a psychologist when obstacles arise. Continue to move slowly in the chosen direction until the long-awaited healing finally comes!
Is it worth forgiving?
How to survive a divorce from your husband - advice from a psychologist on how to get a grip on yourself
How you can live through the situation and leave it behind:
- Realize what happened. There is no need to try to justify someone else’s actions or hope for atonement for a mistake. It’s better to tune in to your own feelings, accept betrayal as a given and think about whether you can forgive.
- Don't close. A frank conversation will reveal the views of each side and lead to a conclusion on how to proceed.
- Don't feel sorry for yourself. You shouldn’t remove responsibility from your half, but you shouldn’t belittle your shortcomings in behavior. If a couple has problems in their relationship, no one person can be to blame. It is worth analyzing your actions and trying to identify the mistake.
It is important that forgiveness comes from the heart. The decision to keep the family cannot be allowed to be forced. If you can’t stop blaming your spouse, then the relationship will not be renewed.
To survive deception, you need to experience the situation and try to forgive
Be extremely transparent
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Yes, be transparent, literally like glass! After cheating has occurred and attempts are being made to repair the relationship, transparency is required from both partners, not just from the perpetrator of the betrayal.
, although this is primarily expected from the guilty party. Full transparency is essential to rebuilding lost trust.
Don't give your partner a single chance to think that you are hiding anything from him again. Don't hide anything, don't keep secrets
, because secrecy and secrets in your situation can be detrimental to the process of restoring relationships.
For example, if the phone rings, it would be unforgivably stupid not to let your partner know who exactly called you and for what reason. On the way to building a new relationship with an old partner
it is necessary to forget about small personal secrets. The period during which you will restore lost trust is simply inevitable in your relationship.
What to do if your husband cheats but doesn’t leave
Why do men cheat, but are in no hurry to leave the family? Firstly, a wife is a reliable rear. A woman who will do everything for her husband, even at the cost of her own interests, and her partner feels this. Whether the mistress will do this is a big question.
Secondly, a strong emotional connection has been established with my wife, because we have experienced many difficult moments together. The mistress attracts physically and with new, lively emotions. But whether she will be faithful in grief is unknown. It is the fear of making a mistake in choosing that makes an unfaithful husband return to the family every time: what if things get worse in everyday life with her, he will leave me, and will not tolerate shortcomings. With my wife, everything is for sure.
And thirdly, it's convenient. A man gets everything he wants. Therefore, you need to decide what to do in this situation: come to terms with your husband’s infidelity or leave. This is one of the most important decisions in the life of every woman, because the future depends on it. Making the right choice on your own and, most importantly, not regretting it later is extremely difficult.
This is why it is so important to seek qualified help. Psychologists have extensive knowledge and extensive experience in helping women faced with a similar situation.
Cut off old connections
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If you are the same person who, having committed infidelity, betrayed the trust of your partner, you need to cut off all ties with the person with whom you cheated.
. This means that it is necessary to exclude all phone calls, all messages, all email correspondence, not to mention any personal visits.
Once you and your partner have decided to go through this situation together, there should be no “last or goodbye” meetings with the one with whom you cheated. No contact at all!
If you've decided to leave this stage of your life behind, then that's where it belongs. Your partner who is trying to forgive you deserves it.
Perhaps you had reasons for doing what you did. However, you now have even more reasons to restore your broken relationship.
. And if you try to do this by maintaining contact with “that person,” then you will not succeed.
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Even if you have business ties with such a person, cut them off too. Otherwise, your partner simply will not have enough internal strength to restore his trust.
to you. Few people are ready to accept the fact that their partner maintains at least some connection with the person who almost destroyed their life together.
Stop discussing what happened
Treason has taken place. Both partners decided to continue living together, strenuously fighting for lost trust, jointly building on the ruins of past relationships
new relationships. Relationships for the sake of a future life - happy, full of trust. In other words, you both decided to move forward together.
This means that once clarity has been established and the motive has been determined, it is necessary to stop discussing what happened. We need to stop discussing cheating
, return to it periodically in your conversations, adding salt to an unhealed wound.
There is no better analogy than this: imagine that you get seriously injured. You received stitches and a bandage. But you, instead of giving the wound time to heal
, periodically you tear off this same bandage in order to... look at your wound. This is reminiscent of the behavior of a masochist, isn't it?
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If you sincerely want to recreate a strong relationship with the same partner again, leave the past in the past. Live here and now. Learn from what happened, make the necessary conclusions and judgments
, and then move forward. Otherwise, the healing period may take much longer (if healing occurs at all).
How long does it take to cope with the psychological consequences?
Approximately 1.5 years of weekly therapy.
How do you know you've done it?
The check is quite simple.
Think about this traumatic situation and feel how you feel inside.
If you can freely think about it, talk about it and not feel pain, you can calmly start relationships with other men and look into your future, feel that the past does not pull you in, then the situation has been worked out.
You did it.
Keep your promises
If you committed adultery and are given another chance, you have an incredible responsibility. It's clear that you should be completely transparent and not lie to your partner. But this is not enough.
Now you must also be careful about what you promise. And if they promised, then they must do everything to keep these promises.
Say only what you mean and don't give false hope. Your optionality for a long period of time
will be perceived as a lie. Even a small attempt to embellish something can cause a suspicious attitude towards you.
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Each of your misdeeds will respond with a new blow to the structure that we call restored relationships. And any of these blows could be the last, destructive
. Not only be honest with your partner, but show that you are consistent and dependable.
How to avoid repetition?
It is impossible to insure against anything. Therefore, just move on, remember the pain that you both experienced, and enjoy your current relationship. Here I would like to quote Elena: “() do not forget that your husband is not your property, appreciate him, praise him, do not blur your view of him. Look after yourself and take care of yourself. For example, I went to the gym. My husband appreciates and notices my successes, but the main thing is that I do this not for him, but for MYSELF. This is My health, figure, well-being, tone. And finally, never “cling” to a Person. Be SELF-valuable. You’re nearby - great, if you leave - it’s a shame, but it’s Your decision.” As they previously wrote in LiveJournal - PPKS, I will subscribe to every word.
Do together what you both liked before cheating
After betrayal, even if you have declared your readiness to survive it together, it is quite easy to get bogged down in everyday trifles. It’s very difficult to immediately abstract
from what happened and move on with your life. However, answer the following question: what was your relationship based on before the betrayal?
Any relationship is initially characterized by pleasant moments that need to be returned to again. Have a confidential conversation with your partner. Remember the things you did together
, and which gave you a mutual feeling of happiness. Think about all the places you have visited before; remember where you felt comfortable and warm together.
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It's time to visit them again! It's time to make dates again in the same places, go to the same cinemas, visit the same entertainment venues, cafes and restaurants. Such behavior will psychologically return
you back to the good times. Take them as a basis. And then organize new pleasant moments.
Cheating always brings chaos into the life of a couple, tearing it apart, breaking it into multiple pieces. The sharp claws of betrayal leave deep wounds on the heart, which take a lot of time to heal. However, they can be cured.
Sometimes it is simply necessary to destroy something shaky in order to build something stronger in its original place. And sometimes, in order to move forward, it is useful to look far back.
Apologies
A person who keeps his remorse to himself is unlikely to be able to earn trust back. Be sincere.
To rebuild your relationship, you need to demonstrate to your partner that you are truly and sincerely sorry for what you did.
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This does not mean that you have to repent your whole life. But if you are not going to repent at all, live as if nothing had happened, and even in any conflict situation
make this clear, then you are hardly worthy of forgiveness. Express your sincere regrets and then move forward; restore what you destroyed with your own hands.
What diseases arise as a result of infidelity, and how long does it take for them to manifest themselves in the body?
Here, of course, everything is individual. Depends on the amount of energy in the body, on the person’s internal resource. The more resources, the longer it resists the onset of the disease.
The organs that are weakened are the first to be affected. Or diseases that you had chronically in childhood (for example, bronchitis) reappear.
A disease may arise that has never happened before.
Remember above we talked about the feelings that give rise to depression? So, each of these feelings is the progenitor of all kinds of diseases (without exception).
The only question is where is the thin spot that gets hit first.
Therefore, timely work with your emotions is the prevention of diseases .
