We all know the problem in the family - disagreements between parents and children. This is not a new generational problem. It often occurs when a sweet baby becomes a teenager. In order not to quarrel or find a way out of the conflict, it is important to understand the reason.
Causes of family disagreements
1. Overprotection of parents and grandparents. Family members do the following:
- exert strong psychological pressure on the child;
- exercise total control of his every action;
- closely monitor who he communicates with;
- they try to protect him from any danger, insisting on caution.
2. “Cult of personality” of older family members:
- they place the offspring on a pedestal;
- distinguish him from all his peers;
- they constantly praise and admire him;
- support in him a sense of exclusivity;
- free him from any household chores and responsibilities;
- fulfill his every whim.
On the one hand, this is not bad, but on the other, the child is completely deprived of independence, he does not develop a sense of responsibility. And the parents, acting in this way, do not think about what he will do if he is left alone. At a certain point, the teenager himself begins to violently resist excessive attention. This is where problems arise in achieving mutual understanding.
3. Lack of attention. Parents are not interested in the child's life. They do not respond to his requests and problems. Indifference is the main thing that children feel in such a family. This rejection can arise even during pregnancy, when the baby is unwanted by the mother.
4. The Cinderella situation arises in raising a child when there is no affection, tenderness, or love towards him from the parents, especially the mother. Humiliation, constant reproach and prohibitions, reproaches, comparison and contrast with other children lead the child to depression or protest. Then he can go outside and get involved with bad company. And parents will begin to have serious problems with law enforcement agencies.
5. Education “in a black body.” The essence of such a system of parental influence comes down to systematic physical violence, dictatorship, and moral pressure on an unformed person. The lack of warmth and affection, praise and support gives rise to self-doubt in him.
To summarize, it should be said that the causes of conflicts between the older and younger generations can be completely different in each family. Before influencing a child, you need to know how to do it correctly.
How to avoid conflicts?
Parents must learn to talk to their children as equals, to involve them in discussing family issues, for example, regarding an important purchase or help around the house. It is necessary to let the child understand that he is a full participant in the organization of the family process, his opinion is important.
Elders should calmly explain to the child their feelings, anxieties, worries about the fact that, for example, he was late somewhere or did not arrive on time. He must understand the burden of responsibility for the well-being of his parents. What can happen to them in case of constant unrest? We need to come up with ways to negotiate and warn about possible force majeure in a child’s life.
It is important for any child, and especially a teenager, to feel needed by his parents, that they not only need him, but will always come to his aid and support him in difficult times.
Children should not be deprived of their independence. If they can solve some important problem themselves, then let them do it. The ability to make decisions quickly and without hesitation is an important quality in life.
Conflict situations between parents and children are inevitable in any family. It is important to find a compromise and be able to negotiate, then there will be no serious problems, and minor quarrels will go away on their own.
What is generational conflict?
Generation conflict is the emergence of disagreements between representatives of different age groups. The most striking example is misunderstanding between teenagers and parents, grandparents. But disputes between “fathers and sons” cannot be attributed to teenage rebellion, since they also arise between adults of different generations. Most often, this is due to the character traits inherent in each individual age group, which developed against the background of the conditions of the time in which their personalities were formed.
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Main causes
There are many reasons why so-called “father-son” conflicts arise. In principle, each situation is individual and may include several factors at once.
We would like to present to your attention those that are observed most often and are the main ones.
Reluctance to obey
During adolescence, independence is formed. A child at this age is trying to understand what he is like and what he is capable of. Therefore, it is important not to limit his freedom, but to give him the opportunity to get to know himself.
But there are families in which such aspirations to become independent from adults are met with hostility. Parents believe that because of their age they have a better understanding of life, which is why they show their teenager what to love and how to act.
In principle, this is true; they usually have much more experience and knowledge than their children. But it is extremely important to give everyone a chance to fill their bumps.
Some resign themselves to the authoritarianism of their parents, but most do not want to obey them. That's why puberty is called the most difficult period.
The teenager protests, proves his point. And he usually fights just for the right to be who he is. The subject of the dispute itself may not be so important, it’s about the process and the result. He longs for recognition by adults of himself as an individual.
Discrepancy between expectations and reality
People tend to be enchanted and dwell in illusions and fantasies, completely ignoring reality. For example, when getting married, young people most often think that they will become happier simply because their relationship will become legalized.
But in fact, everything depends only on them, how ready they are to accept each other’s shortcomings. Do they know how to withstand intimacy, and how do they cope with the difficulties that arise?
In general, family happiness is ensured by a lot of factors, which are dangerous to ignore. So, with charm, disappointment is sure to follow. The only question is time, how quickly it will come.
In the same way, parents, not noticing reality, can expect from their children what they are simply not capable of. When a boy who loves to dance is forced to box, this gradually provokes tension in the relationship.
He will feel angry towards such a harsh parent, and, accordingly, will try to rebel, defending his rights to do what he likes.
If it is strictly forbidden in the family to show aggression and generally become irritated, he will direct the destructive vector towards himself.
That is, either he will consciously strive to get into traumatic situations, or he will develop a number of complex diseases that will not allow him to continue his sports career. Simply put, they will give you reasons to quit boxing.
Differences in value system
There are people who are acutely aware of the fact that others may not agree with their point of view. That they don’t live at all as they should and in general, they don’t understand a lot of things, unlike them.
Some people prioritize family, others career. And each of them will be happy and unhappy in their own way. There are no single correct values. Workaholism will benefit some, but on the contrary, it will harm others.
In addition, people have different needs at different times. We should not forget that during the Great Patriotic War people needed to be able to survive and fight enemies. The next generation was rebuilding the country, so they worked tirelessly.
What was important before is not as relevant now. But this does not mean that representatives of different generations have the right to devalue each other.
Fear of everything new
Older people most often refuse the technologies that the modern generation offers them. They spent most of their lives without the Internet and gadgets, enjoying each other’s company and nature.
Why is it difficult for them to understand how to handle phones, how to use a computer, and why robots were invented in general.
They are also afraid to make mistakes, because they are accustomed to the fact that they entail negative consequences. And they have no idea how to deal with these errors. What if, by pressing the wrong key combination, they completely break some piece of equipment?
In addition, it is worth considering the fact that scientific and technological progress undermines the authority of the older generation.
Any five-year-old child is able to go to YouTube and turn on a cartoon, download an application or game of interest. Why would he then listen to a person who is not capable of such a thing? But he only declares that he has seen a lot in this life?
Selfishness
There are individuals who are not interested in other people's opinions, they only care about their own well-being, even if this means creating inconvenience for others. They simply lack the feeling that there are boundaries beyond which they should not go.
People call them complacent and spoiled; in psychology there is such a term as selfishness.
So, you shouldn’t expect respect, recognition and acceptance of another point of view from an egoist. Especially for older people.
Neglect of the past
Our ancestors made a lot of mistakes, as, in principle, each of us. After all, ideality, as you know, does not exist.
Moreover, in the past, people were limited in their capabilities. Every year, humanity receives more and more answers to questions that have bothered it for decades.
So, modern youth may consider themselves smarter than their predecessors, which is why they ignore the experience that their elders are trying to pass on to them. This, naturally, offends and angers, which makes relationships difficult, provoking conflict situations.
What generations are there?
The following generations can be distinguished:
- Silent . This includes individuals who were formed in the period 1923-1943. The Nazi regime and Stalin's repressions instilled in people loyalty, respect for status, observance of rules, patience, and honor. But also fear, suspicion and bias.
- Baby Boomers . Cold War 1943-1963 has turned into a race in science, medicine, technology. A person who was formed at this time is characterized by a spirit of collectivism, optimism, and interest in growth.
- Generation X (rebels). Formation took place in 1963-1984. - time of restructuring. Such people were not afraid to change; they adapted to the realities of the time. New subcultures were born. The spirit of rebellion became especially noticeable in attempts to escape patriarchal society and in the struggle for gender equality.
- Generation Y. These are people whose formation took place between 1984 and 2000. The development of a market economy has brought many technological innovations. Universal computerization, the advent of mobile phones and other technologies formed the idea in the mind that everything is possible. The main features of such people are responsibility, the desire to receive immediate reward, and an understanding of subordination.
- Generation Z This includes modern children and teenagers. Almost all of their free time is scheduled by their parents - clubs, tutors, sports clubs, etc. Children compensate for the lack of “freedom” by transferring their lives to social networks. They cannot imagine themselves without technology and feel uncomfortable with limited access to the phone, computer and the Internet. For this generation, age alone is not a reason to respect a person; they need reasoned proof.
The role of parents in conflict
“My son is 12 years old. Over the past year, my boy has changed a lot - he has become embittered, does not obey, and constantly makes scandals. In the evenings he stopped going out into the yard with friends, spends more time at the computer, and does his homework very poorly. I tried to scold and punish him for this behavior, but he just starts taking revenge - he doesn’t eat, he “fails” tests at school. His only friends seem to be our cat and the computer. I don’t allow my son to watch TV for a long time, I blocked the Internet on my smartphone, and started picking him up from school. I hoped that he would stop being so embittered. But it didn’t get better, the child is moving further and further away from me and from his father. I do not know what to do".
— Anastasia, mother of 12-year-old Igor
At a young age, parents are the whole world to a child. But later everything changes. Children become more independent, increasingly express their opinions and want to do things their own way. And all this in the eyes of relatives looks like a rebellion. They read the child’s changed behavior as an attack on their own authority: “I’m in charge now! It will be my way!” As a result, an elementary struggle for power begins in the family. A teenager quarrels with his parents, faced with their misunderstanding.
Adults accustomed to an authoritarian parenting style are dissatisfied with literally everything - the child’s studies and appearance, his choice of friends and hobbies. They are frightened by the deviant behavior of their beloved child - deceit, aggression, Internet addiction, gambling addiction. And the teenager is afraid of not living up to the high expectations of his family. This is a heavy burden for him.
The main mistake parents make when communicating with a teenager is their strict control. Many adults, despite the fact that they already have sufficient experience in conflict resolution, try to subjugate the child to their will. And this only alienates and embitters the teenager, and what’s worst is that it “breaks” the growing person, making him dependent and indecisive.
How does generational conflict manifest itself?
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Generational conflicts in a family can happen every day. They have different scales, some end in a minor quarrel, others spoil relationships and further increase the gap between “fathers” and “children.”
For example, parents forbid their daughter to stay out late, tell their son that his friends are bad company and forbid him to see them. All this can lead to children starting to run away from home and rebel, deliberately provoking conflict. But things are not always so bad. For example, an argument between a grandmother who wants her dieting granddaughter to eat more may not result in a major quarrel.
Family disagreements cause much more damage to a person than social ones. However, an argument with a stranger can ruin your mood, and if it is, for example, a neighbor with whom conflict situations occur constantly, then it can become a source of stress.
Disputes in a clinic, store, or public transport can occur due to human factors. The one who started a verbal altercation could not have gotten enough sleep, be overstressed at work, or get sick, which prevents him from controlling himself.
There are conflicting individuals who deliberately start an argument in order to relieve tension, and the easiest way to do this is with a stranger. It is best to avoid an argument by not reacting to the interlocutor, showing indifference. This is exactly what will bring the greatest dissatisfaction to your opponent.
How to listen to a child correctly
To get out of a conflict situation, you need to learn to listen to your child. Most often, children suffer from parental misunderstanding. “Fathers” need to make it clear that their children’s opinions are important to them.
- Do not interrupt the child, give him the opportunity to speak.
- Watch your facial expressions. Even if you speak exclusively kind words, but your facial expressions show otherwise, the child will not make contact.
- Don't get distracted while talking. Put everything aside, sit down and talk to your child.
- Watch your intonation during a conversation. There shouldn’t be a thread of condemnation or indignation in it, so that you don’t hear it now. Otherwise, the teenager will withdraw and become even worse. You won't know anything about what's happening to him.
If you want to minimize conflicts with children, then pay attention to the books by Russian psychologist Yulia Gippenreiter “How to Communicate with a Child?” and “Let’s continue to communicate with the child. So?” In them, the author touches on the topic of communication with children in conflict situations and more.
With the right approach, “fathers” can minimize conflict situations with children. Understand that there is no perfect relationship. You need to learn how to resolve conflicts constructively, reduce your anxiety levels and be ready for change.
Options for resolving generational conflicts.
There are 3 optimal ways to resolve a conflict situation.
Presentation of arguments.
It is not enough to simply express your opinion; it is necessary to support it with arguments based on personal experience, information from a reliable source, and an example from life. It is important to be able to listen to your opponent. Sometimes there is a rational grain in both points of view that will help, if not win a person over to your side, then force him to respect a different opinion.
Compromise.
It can consist either in finding a golden mean or in alternately following two different opinions. So, for example, a son wants to go out with friends, but his father says that he should help him repair his car. They can come to a consensus - first fixing the car, then going out with friends, or vice versa. Another example: a daughter is going to a party that her mother doesn’t like, but she agrees to let her go if the girl returns home by 10 p.m.
Behavior of adolescents in conflict
"I can not take it anymore. My parents got me. Their guardianship is manifested in literally everything - whether you put on a hat, where you were, what you did. I study quite well, but my parents, even because of 2 “B’s” in a quarter, manage to make a problem. My mother constantly asks about my friends and boyfriend, we can quarrel over any issue. It's annoying. I started lying because it was easier than constantly explaining to my parents where and with whom I was. I started staying longer at school, at friends’ houses, at my boyfriend’s – just so as not to go home! I live in a cage like an animal. Mom asks why I don’t share anything with her. But how else? After all, every conversation we have ends in a quarrel. I'm tired of living like this."
— Anna, 15 years old
The teenager’s behavior outwardly looks like a denial and devaluation of the authority of adults. He may dye his hair a bright color, wear provocative clothes, stay out late, or find a hobby that his family and teachers do not approve of. But in fact, a teenager quarrels with his parents not for the sake of conflict as such. All this is an attempt to break out from the strict control of relatives, to outline personal boundaries. Many of the child’s actions have the following subtext: “I can and want to make important decisions for myself. Please give me this opportunity!” But for parents, since they grew up in a completely different time, the manifestations of the age crisis only cause rejection.
It may seem to adults that a rapidly growing child is deeply indifferent to what is happening around him, since he often behaves, to put it mildly, aloof. But this is only a defensive reaction - the teenager simply does not know how to resolve the conflict with his parents. Therefore, he tries with all his might to avoid a showdown in the hope that the situation will resolve itself. As a result, he becomes withdrawn and taciturn, lying with or without reason.
Adolescent children, as a rule, respond to claims and conflicting actions of their parents with the following reactions:
- tough opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);
- complete refusal (disobedience to parental demands);
- isolation (silence, hiding the truth). [3]
Whatever the reasons for the conflicts between parents and adolescents, they become a huge stress for the child. Tensions in the family can lead to serious consequences for him, including depression. The child, although he strives with all his soul for independence, has not yet learned to cope with life’s difficulties. He needs his parents' help.
What to do when your relationship with your child is “on the brink”?
Conflicts between parents and adolescents are subject to the same laws as conflicts between adults. The only difference is that growing children live more “on emotions,” which means even a minor quarrel can end in a real storm. A loud showdown is not the answer. Both parents and children should start by changing their behavior patterns, getting rid of the habit of reacting to provoking situations with shouts and reproaches. It is important to react in time so as not to miss the moment when you can still improve your relationship with each other. If parents and teenagers cannot find ways to resolve conflicts on their own, psychology can help.
We will teach you to negotiate and reach a compromise
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7Spsy behavior modification technology for conflicts with a teenager is focused on the formation of new positive attitudes that will help transfer conflicts into a peaceful direction. The 7Spsy course will help you build a harmonious relationship with a teenager and cultivate the necessary qualities in him. This is a patented, scientifically proven method based on the theories of I. P. Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, A. A. Ukhtomsky. The program is designed for 2-6 weeks, the teenager studies independently at a convenient time. Having mastered self-control skills at the end of the course, the teenager will understand how to stop quarreling with his parents. This will help him in the future to resolve conflicts with his parents without aggression, while maintaining an emotional connection with his family.
The advantage of the 7Spsy program is the ability to work remotely with a psychologist. The child is guaranteed complete confidentiality. This is important because teenagers are often reluctant to share details of their problems with teachers and other significant adults for fear of their negative reactions. In addition, the child receives comprehensive psychological assistance - by phone and e-mail, in online chats.
Sources:
- “Age psychology”, 2006, G. S. Abramova
- “Psychological causes of conflicts between adolescents and parents” (dissertation, 1996), V. B. Tarabaeva
- “Fundamentals of pedagogical conflictology”, 1995, V. I. Zhuravlev
