The husband does not want children from his wife: why is a man, a guy against a child from a woman because of money, what to do

The birth of a baby in a family becomes a great joy. But this event is preceded by plans, expectations, and sometimes great doubts. The spouse, who treats his half so tenderly and reverently, may suddenly begin to categorically protest against the birth of heirs. The reasons why your man or husband does not want children (or one child) may be different. Sometimes a confidential conversation with a loved one can turn the situation in a favorable direction. If you can’t cope on your own, then you should seek advice from a psychologist.

Why your spouse doesn’t want to have children: fears and doubts

Parental instinct manifests itself in different ways. From the first minutes, the expectant mother feels the beating of a new life; she gradually gets used to the idea that a soul mate will soon be born, uniting the pieces of her loving parents. A man does not realize or feel this unity. The fact that you will have to change your usual way of life, share your spouse’s attention with someone else, incur additional financial expenses and solve a whole bunch of other problems causes protest.

The memory of childhood, when parents quarreled over upbringing and care, also leaves an imprint. A negative reaction to conversations indicates that he does not want children because he is not mentally ready for this.

For each person, the desire for procreation awakens at different times, but for a woman, the period comes earlier, as physiological readiness, and for a man, the transfer of experience and accumulated knowledge is important, which happens closer to 30-35 years. In addition to psychological barriers, other reasons also influence refusal.

Psychology and reasons

Why doesn't a man want children? The woman is already ready for motherhood and feels that there is a suitable man .

In her eyes, her beloved husband or boyfriend has the potential to become a great father.

But when asked to have a child together, a man reacts negatively , aggressively, or simply avoids the topic.

The reason, as a rule, lies in personal attitudes and beliefs that have formed in a person’s head based on his own experience, the example of others or the opinions of people significant to him:

The wife will stop paying attention to her husband. Men are often afraid that after the birth of a child, a woman will give all her love to the baby.
But she will forget about her husband, getting bogged down in diapers, baby vests and baby formula. And while the new mother will once again shake the rattle over the cradle, the hungry and unloved father will go to work in a wrinkled shirt. And if earlier a man could talk to his wife at any time or ask her to do something, now the baby has become the “main person” in the family.
The wife will become ugly/uninteresting. Mothers often suffer from a lack of personal time. When should you take care of yourself if your infant son or daughter constantly requires attention and care? And childbirth often doesn’t affect a woman’s appearance in the best way. Here you have excess weight, stretch marks, and other delights of motherhood. And a man, having a beautiful and well-groomed girl as his wife, is afraid of getting a fat aunt with a dirty head and a swollen face from another sleepless night instead of his princess.
After childbirth, a woman’s range of interests also narrows to the “children’s world.” And the husband understands that when he comes home after work, he will no longer have intimate conversations with his wife or discuss painfully favorite topics. Now the tiny family member will always be on the agenda (how the baby ate, how many times he went to the potty, how long he slept).
I can't handle it. Fear of not being able to feed your family is one of the most common fears among men. After all, after the birth of a child, you will have to spend money on diapers, a crib, a stroller, toys, etc. And my wife will go on maternity leave. And if the spouse decides to go to work, then the nanny will be in charge of raising the heir, whose services will have to be paid from the family budget.
I will lose my freedom. Before children appear, a woman is loyal to her husband’s hobbies. While her beloved leaves to meet friends, she meets with her friends. The husband goes fishing - the wife goes to the beauty salon.
But after the birth of the baby, the woman finds herself in isolation. She is forced to obey a certain schedule (sleep, feeding, various procedures). And not all friends are willing to spend time with young mothers.
Here you can also add problems with transportability, because riding with a baby on public transport is inconvenient, and carrying him in your arms is quite difficult. Well, little changes for a man. He also goes to work, wants to watch football this weekend and plans to go fishing. The wife begins to accumulate grievances, ask for help with the baby and expresses dissatisfaction: “I sit at home, and you go wherever you want!” The result is quarrels with your beloved and omnipresent restrictions.
The relationship with his wife will deteriorate . Hormonal changes, fatigue, health problems (wife or child), lack of sleep, fears and worries. All this can seriously spoil the wife's character. And if before she was an affectionate cat, the man is accustomed to this situation. He does not want to live with a grumpy and embittered woman.
I've already been through this. This situation arises in families that already have children (or the husband has children from his ex-wife). Perhaps the ex-wife became unbearable after the birth of the child. Or maybe during the times of “naked youth” there was an acute shortage of money, and the family was forced to limit itself in everything for the sake of the children. Or the man became a hostage to his status as a “father” and was deprived of any joys and entertainment. The negative experience has been deposited in the subconscious and now the husband protests in every possible way to his beloved’s desire to become a mother.
The wrong woman is nearby. It also happens that, being in a relationship or marriage with a woman, a man does not see her as the mother of his children.
After all, the male body is structured differently than the body of the fairer sex. There are no age restrictions or “biological clocks,” and you can become a father at 40, 50, and even 60 years old. And as long as a man feels good next to his chosen one, he will be in a relationship with her. But at the same time, he will understand that sooner or later he will part with his companion for the sake of a more suitable candidate for the role of mother.
I don't want to be like others. If a negative example of a family with children constantly flashes before a man’s eyes, he will not want to have children of his own. After all, a bad example is scary. What if your beloved wife becomes as angry and irritable as your neighbor’s wife? Or will he also gain weight and start walking around in washed out dressing gowns? Or will the little one forever scream, cry and torment his parents like the son of his best friend?

Financial difficulties

Happiness is not measured by money, but the level of comfort in life depends directly on it. In some aspects, the man is right when he says that the child needs to be provided with everything necessary. I recommend not putting pressure on your other half, but trying at this time to think about the true reasons for the refusal and look with an open mind:

whether the spouse will be a caring father;
will he be able to find a place in his heart for the baby;
how much he can resist increased responsibility.

It’s worth waiting a little, taking a closer look at your spouse. If the husband said that he does not want children because of money, then sometimes a joint calculation of upcoming expenses and financial plans helps.

Fear of losing freedom

The subconscious fear that the list of urgent matters with the birth of a baby will increase and take away part of the free time, limit a man’s desires and possibilities, also becomes the basis for not wanting to have a child.

Then comes the understanding that family and continuation of children are very important, but first personal freedom is more expensive. If a girl thinks about why my boyfriend doesn’t want children and even considers talking about it unpleasant, then it is likely that he has not yet matured and perceives family relationships as a free form of communication without obligations.

What you definitely shouldn't do

Wanting to have a child, some women are ready to take extreme measures, for example:

trying to “accidentally” get pregnant;
they give the man an ultimatum, threatening divorce;
they shame him in front of his friends;
compare him with other people who already have children;
trying to find a support group in the form of relatives;
trying to make a man feel guilty;

they explain their desire to have children by certain social stereotypes: “the clock is ticking”, “a family without a child is not a family”, etc.;
reduce all communication to talking about children.

Such actions, as a rule, only strengthen a man’s reluctance to have children and cause irritation.

Even if they led to a positive result and the man nevertheless “gave in,” then believing that the birth of a baby changes his attitude towards fatherhood is a dangerous delusion. In life, everything happens exactly the opposite. Such actions can have negative consequences.

For example, a man will be cold and distant towards the baby. Or he will often be late at work. If conflicts arise, he can transfer responsibility to the woman, saying that “I didn’t want this, you insisted” and so on.

In any case, this will have a bad effect on your relationship, trust, emotional closeness, and a sense of community may disappear from them. After all, in a family, all decisions must be made together.

Fear of relationship deterioration

In a harmonious union, there comes a moment when there is so much love that it requires release and a happy child appears, basking in the rays of parental attention. But when a man is selfish and requires tireless care, then at the thought of a new family member he begins to experience a feeling of jealousy. Nothing has happened yet, but he is already greedy and trying to delay the moment of the baby’s birth for as long as possible.

Psychologist Daria Milai

Make an appointment

There is only one piece of advice on what to do if a man does not want children from a woman for fear of a change in the relationship. Let your spouse know that he is irreplaceable in your life. If the hints don’t get through, then tell him about it directly and more than once. Convince him that he will still remain the center of your universe, but will shine 2 times brighter because he will become a father.

Fears that a woman’s character will change during pregnancy and childbirth, and not for the better, require separate consideration. I advise the married couple to come to me for a consultation and try to clarify the situation. Often, having heard from an outsider a statement that fears are groundless, the spouse calms down and begins to look at the situation even with a bit of humor.

"No. I'm not that age anymore."

A man of any age can say this. But usually - somewhere from 40+. He worries that at some point he will not be able to provide for his family and child, respectively. Afraid of new duties and responsibilities - at a younger age, decisions about replenishment are easier to make. The man begins to calculate how old he will be when the child turns 18-20 years old - and becomes sad...

What to do?

Give him examples of all the domestic celebrities who were motivated by this fact to become fathers.

Fathers 50+ have long ceased to surprise anyone. But, as we observe, people become fathers much later - as an example, the well-known actor who became a father at the age of 78. I very much doubt that your husband is so “at the wrong age.” And he should know about it.

Next - regarding health. Rarely can anyone boast of excellent health, even in their youth. Everyone has one problem or another. If a man’s health difficulties are not serious (I really hope that this is not the case with you!) and do not interfere with the performance of his paternal function, then there are no obstacles to becoming a father - except, of course, his reluctance to become one. The main focus is still on the health of the mother! And this also needs to be said.

My husband doesn't want children due to health problems

A very serious matter that requires careful consideration. If there are serious or chronic illnesses in the spouse’s family, he may be right in not wanting to condemn the heir to the same existence. We need to be understanding about this form of care.

It’s another matter if a man is infertile, but does not know about it or does not want to admit his insolvency to his wife, for fear of being abandoned. Many are indignant at the proposal to undergo an examination, insisting that everything is in order. The woman will have to take the opposite method and visit specialists.

After receiving the results, it will become clear in whose body the problem is hidden. A gentle conversation about the illness and a joint search for a solution brings loving people even closer together. You can convince your spouse to undergo examination and treatment; many types of infertility can be successfully treated. If there is no hope, then adoption is the solution.

Fear

If you are wondering from a psychological point of view why a man does not want children, then first of all it may be fear.

Recently, a movement has emerged - childfree. The point is that people deliberately refuse the joy of becoming parents. Some do not want additional hassle and want to live for their own pleasure. Others are simply afraid of children and everything connected with them.

And again, I recommend confidential communication, attending classes for future parents, and watching programs together about children and the troubles associated with raising them. It is necessary that everything happens only in a positive way.

One. Completely alone

Today, approximately every fifth resident of Moscow and fifteenth of Russia is a staunch opponent of motherhood. It is clear that demographers, government officials and the public are sounding the alarm and trying to intervene. But hidden behind the noise of these discussions are no less interesting characters—childfree men. The iz.ru portal took a closer look at them.

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They usually do not advertise their beliefs publicly. Firstly, because it is often impossible to say with certainty whether even the most inveterate bachelor has a child on the side, and secondly, because the agenda is tense and the position is unpopular. You need to have the charm and charisma of George Clooney to painlessly fool the public until the age of 52 with stories about your reluctance to be fruitful and multiply, and then get married and give birth to two at once.

But this is George Clooney, almost everything will be forgiven. Eduard Limonov was also a convinced childfree, then in his seventies he gave birth to two children and now proposes to punish with taxes for childlessness.

The reasons why the state, as best it can and knows how - in some places with discouraging initiatives, in others with competent and generous support programs - stimulates the birth rate are understandable. The country always needs the masses. From the point of view of evolutionary biology, everything is also clear: we are programmed to copy and multiply our genes, thus providing what we call “the continuation of ourselves.”

But convinced supporters of childlessness have learned to deftly avoid evolutionary, government, biblical, and social traps. They believe not in a demographic crisis, but in the overpopulation of the Earth and prefer to live not for the benefit of their homeland or posterity, but for their own pleasure.

Okhlabystin

Actor Ivan Okhlobystin with his family, left - actor Mikhail Efremov

Photo: TASS/Vladimir Astapkovich

To be fair, most men are still honestly fulfilling their mandatory program, having given birth to one child here, another there, and some simply cannot stop and stamp their genes in victory mode (Tsyganov - 8, Okhlobystin - 6, Mikhail Efremov - 6, Bruce Willis - 5, Sting - 6, Eddie Murphy altogether 9 children). There are few such enthusiasts, wealthy and star fathers are always in sight, but there are also ordinary child-loving men who are not afraid of either the unstable situation in the country or the world, or the prospect of not being able to feed a large family.

Arkhip, 42 years old (all names have been changed)

“I never wanted children. I don’t want to and I don’t think I will want to in the future. I’m not at all bothered by all these theories about my “continuation”. It’s not that “there’s a flood after me,” but somehow I don’t believe in these stories about genes and offspring. I don’t think that this changes anything on a planetary scale, and I also have no ambitions to give birth to a genius who will change something. I never got into conflicts with women, perhaps because I competently “merged” at the moment when conversations began on the topic “Should we have a little one?” Now I live with a woman who doesn’t want children or pretends that she doesn’t want children, in any case, she doesn’t blow my mind by talking about this topic.”

Egor, 49 years old

“It seems to me that one of my women gave birth to a boy from me. Everyone says that the guy looks suspiciously like me, but the woman is married, she won’t admit anything to anyone. At some point I began to think about my child, but I understand that the last thing I want is this family life. In principle, I would even be satisfied if a woman gave birth to my child and gave him to me to raise. She would be a “coming mom”, and I would do it with my family. But I understand that this is a utopia, so everything is as it is. And I'm fine. I have no fears about the “leaving train”. In the end, if he chooses, a man can become a father in old age, and then, if anything happens, he can adopt. But I have not experienced and do not experience any parental fever.”

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Alexey, 35 years old

“Perhaps I would have a child with the right woman if I were afraid of talking about my homosexuality. This is such a stereotype that if you haven’t gotten married and had children by a certain age, then something is wrong with you. But since I have a reputation as a womanizer, I don’t have such problems. Well, to be honest, I haven’t met any suitable women. For the most part, these are either females who are obsessed with the idea of family and motherhood, who look at you as a potential father of the family, or careerists and feminists who don’t look at you at all, live their own lives and use you for sex. There are actually a lot of them now, usually they are middle-aged and older women, many already have children from previous relationships and marriages. By the way, the most excellent partners accept you for who you are and don’t throw tantrums about the ticking clock and women’s destiny.”

Karen, 39 years old

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“If I wanted children, I think I would have them, but I won’t have them just because everyone else is doing it, or counting on them taking care of you in old age. I have seen enough of families in which the parents did everything they could, invested in their children, and then it turned out that no one needed anything except an apartment. I would rather succeed in my career and earn enough money so that in my old age I would be looked after honestly - for a fee, and not under pressure because of some kind of obligation. I don't think I'll make a good parent. In any case, I wouldn't risk it. In principle, I feel good anyway. Why tempt fate?

Ilya, 28 years old

“I don’t know what I’ll say in 10–15 years, but now children are not my topic. Firstly, I don’t really like them, I don’t have any affection for these kids. Secondly, I am passionate about skydiving and in my free time I travel all over the world. What children? I have friends who dreamed of having a family and children, and everything is fine for them. Although, depending on how you look at it: many gave birth and got married “on the fly”, they pretend that everything is fine and this is all they dreamed of, but in fact, many would be glad to exchange lives with me even for a day, like in the movies.”

business

Photo: Depositphotos.com

If we summarize the manifesto of childfree men, it turns out that they do not want responsibility, the key word in relationships for them is “convenient”, they see themselves as independent singles, do not strive to fulfill the socially significant role of a parent, are interested in their career and freedom, perhaps they themselves and did not leave half-childhood, but they successfully turned off all their “genetic counters” in favor of a carefree existence.

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But before you start writing them off and reproaching them for all sins from irresponsibility to short-sightedness, it makes sense to look at what exactly motivates them and what imbalance in modern society has given rise to the philosophy of unproductive consumers.

The desire to live for your own pleasure. Yes, perhaps it borders on selfishness, but is that in itself so bad? This is a real problem of the time: a society of hyperactive people, overwhelmed by work and life, who seem to be doing everything as they should, but there is no happiness. The UN regularly initiates research projects that measure happiness levels in different countries, trying to calculate who lives well and where. The Scandinavian countries traditionally lead the ranking; Russia in recent years has fluctuated between 49th and 64th place, which, taking into account almost 200 countries participating in the study, is not so bad. But the question of what exactly, besides peace and prosperity, makes a person happy remains open.

Despite the obsessive promotion of socially approved options: family - a full cup, a successful career and a healthy lifestyle - a person here focuses on the desires and needs of individual production and insists on them, even if they become loneliness, downshifting, alcoholism and childlessness. Well, it’s funny to assume that under the influence of stereotypes and a concerned public, a businessman of the level of, for example, Mikhail Prokhorov will one day realize that he will be much happier if he starts a family and has children. Although, as we remember, unexpected plot twists are possible in these matters at any stage.

Reluctance to share spouse with someone else

One of the manifestations of infantilism or total control of the situation. If a family has a relationship where a woman demonstrates maternal care, the man simply does not want to grow up. This is the so-called “older child syndrome,” accompanied by the fear of feeling unnecessary and relegated to the background. Involvement in joint activities and a gradual increase in the share of responsibility with constant expression of love will help correct the situation.

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A tyrannical man wants to control everything all the time. He doesn't need the baby as an unaccounted factor, full of surprises. In this case, the woman risks living her whole life as a weak-willed toy behind the bars of a cage. But there is hope for dialogue, especially with the participation of an experienced psychologist.

How to persuade a man?

The desired result can be achieved through negotiations and discussions of all the pros and cons. If people have known each other for several years and know each other well, finding the right approach will not be difficult.

The desire to have a child immediately after marriage is, to say the least, unreasonable. It takes some time to get used to the new status, improve your daily life and improve your financial situation. Perhaps a man wants to enjoy life together, travel, have fun and, having received this opportunity, will be ready to move on to the next stage in the relationship.

Then, slowly, the man is led to the decision to become a father. Having enlisted the support of relatives and friends, they unobtrusively touch on this topic at family celebrations, communicate more often with relatives and friends who have children, and watch family films. It is important to remember: assertiveness in this matter is not a help, but a subtle psychological approach will make a man think that this is his own decision.

If a couple has been living together for more than a year, the life partner needs to be explained to what age it is possible to give birth without harming the woman’s health and the child’s future. Experts advise having your first child before the age of 25, and the next child before the age of 35.

Why a spouse doesn’t want to be a father: the opinion of psychologists

The secret mechanisms of desires often present a complex mystery. In the process of studying the questions of why a husband does not want children from his wife, what to do and how to react to this, several patterns were identified. The most common reasons were:

infantilism;
fear of increased responsibility;
negative childhood memories;
unwillingness to lose your comfort zone;
uncertainty about the feelings of the spouse;
lack of knowledge and skills to care for a baby;
fears for the wife's health;
the presence of a genetic predisposition to a certain group of diseases;
infertility.

Any of the reasons can be eliminated if the partners wish and strive to find a compromise.

Motivation to have a child

For spouses it is radically different. For a woman, emotions come first, while for a man, a rational approach comes first. The expectant mother, already in her dreams, surrounds the baby with care, receives pleasure from touching him, and is touched by his first achievements. For the spouse, the awakening of paternal feelings occurs in the period after birth. It is rare that any member of the stronger sex is able to love a child in advance, especially if it is the first-born and there is no moral experience yet. An important motivation for the desire for fatherhood is the possibility of subsequent communication, transfer of knowledge and accumulated material values. Tenderness and pride for your offspring will definitely come, but later.

Ask a question

Respect and understanding

It is preferable to clarify issues regarding future children before marriage. Then many motives of behavior and views of the partner will not become an unpleasant revelation or serve as a reason for refusing to live together.

He doesn't want a second one

The situation is common. The argument may be that the first-born is still small and the infant chores are not over. Another obstacle is the tight financial situation. And sometimes an experienced parent knows in practice what he will have to face at the birth of the next one and does not want to repeat what has happened.

For women who say that my husband no longer wants children or a child, what to do, the advice of a psychologist will be vital. An unbiased opinion and calm conversation during the consultation process will help to identify hidden motives and better understand your spouse.

“I already have children...”

Situations when a man has children from a previous relationship are, of course, not uncommon. And, most likely, he helps them financially, and sometimes even provides them completely. There are also difficult cases - when the ex-wife blackmails a man with children, does not allow him to see them... It is no wonder that he is very afraid to take on such responsibility and new responsibilities again. And, of course, not only responsibilities. Any normal father loves his child very much. He sees what happens when he breaks up with a woman - how he and his son or daughter move away from each other, how rarely they see each other, how his child is raised by a stranger. And this is very painful... And therefore his new wife needs to be very careful and delicate.

What to do?

A divorced man is, in principle, a “wounded animal,” even if he does not consider himself one. Especially if he was not the initiator of the breakup.

It is very important that you warm it up. I began to trust women again... I was filled with love, imbued with trust. In this case, the child will become a natural extension of the relationship. Yes, it will be more difficult for you than for women whose husbands are experiencing the joy of fatherhood for the first time. Although there are men who, on the contrary, strive to have children as soon as possible in a new marriage. Unfortunately, this is not our situation...

But in any case, you see that most men have children in new marriages, so you most likely will not be an exception. Explain to your husband how important a common child is to you. How wrong it can sometimes be to postpone this important decision - both in terms of age and in terms of health...

Another problem is that my husband remembers very well the difficult diaper-diaper period and sleepless nights. And he doesn't want to go through this again. Especially if you previously took an active part in the process. You can promise that you will take on the main responsibilities. Moreover, this is what mostly happens in families - basically all husbands work. But this does not mean at all that the spouse will be an outside observer. It’s trite but true: most husbands help their wives take care of the children – some more, some less. Regardless of whether they dreamed of a child or not. You will act based on your situation...

What to do

There is no ready-made algorithm, each situation is individual, but it’s worth starting small and finding out the reason. Increasing communication time and increasing the degree of trust, a pet and spending time together with married couples raising one or more children can, over time, shake his intransigence.

The main mistakes of women

Thoughtless spontaneous actions can destroy relationships. It is necessary to avoid scandals and reproaches, moral pressure, and manipulation of love. Under no circumstances should you cheat and become pregnant in secret from your husband. Setting ultimatums, withdrawing into yourself and refusing to communicate is also useless.

It is worth considering: if the relationship is shaken, the child will not give it strength. This burden can only be shouldered by self-confident, loving couples.

The birth of a child should be the result of a mutual decision and joyful anticipation.

Psychologist's advice

If a woman is mentally ready for motherhood, but her husband is tormented by doubts or he is categorical in his refusal, then it is worth listening to the basic recommendations.

Stop having illusions and really assess the situation.
Find the true reasons for refusing to have your first child.
Don't give birth against his wishes.

If all methods have been tried and there is no hope of changing his opinion, then you should reconsider your relationship. You can agree with him, giving up the joys of motherhood, or build a life with another person.