Photo from answers.com The death of a loved one is associated not only with a feeling of grief, but also with the experience of guilt.
When a loved one passes away, it seems that you are to blame: you are tired of the difficult care and painful last days, you didn’t give something, you didn’t take him to another hospital, you didn’t buy another medicine, you stayed alive when he died.
Why does it occur and how justified? Answered by psychologist, director of the Christian psychological service “Candle”, Doctor of Biological Sciences Alexandra Imasheva .
Feelings of guilt for the death of a loved one. How to stop blaming yourself?
2021-06-04
The content of the article:
What is guilt Why do I feel guilty after the death of a loved one How to admit my mistakes How to correct mistakes in front of a person who is no longer around False or imposed guilt Create a Memories Diary or get a free consultation
Any person who has buried a relative, in addition to intense grief and pain of loss, also experiences a feeling of guilt for the death of a loved one. The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s my fault, I didn’t deliver enough, didn’t look after it, didn’t have time, upset me, insulted me, etc.
If trouble happened recently, this is a natural reaction. And if the feeling of guilt, accompanied by painful experiences, gnaws for a long time, it is important to know how to get rid of it.
Help from specialists
If you have an obsessive feeling of guilt, you should consult a psychologist. The standard period for mourning is up to 1 year. But it is impossible to accurately determine the length of time when the pain will subside. If a person feels unwell, it is better not to hesitate and make an appointment with a specialist.
When a bereaved person needs psychological help:
- Prolonged depression, attempts to commit suicide;
- Problems sleeping, frequent nightmares;
- Poor performance, reluctance to interact with society;
- Decreased immunity, exacerbation of chronic diseases;
- Nervous breakdown, observation of symptoms of psychological illnesses;
- Migraine, epilepsy, seizures, tremor;
- Taking alcohol and drugs (futile attempts to escape reality);
- The occurrence of phobias, unreasonable fears, panic attacks.
If these signs are not eliminated in time, this can lead to serious problems. In some cases, a one-time consultation with a specialist is sufficient, while in others, serious long-term work and medication are required.
What is wine
Guilt, firstly, is a feeling that hits a person with great force after a loss has befallen him. Essentially, this is remorse due to a certain act, which seems to him to be the cause of bad consequences for the deceased and for other people.
Secondly, this is a pattern of behavior that we recognize as wrong, but despite this, we allow it again and again.
Finally, thirdly, guilt is also an admission of one’s mistakes. Let's take the word "apology." It comes from the word “wine”. A person begins to look at everything that he lived with the deceased with different eyes. And he admits that he did a lot of things wrong, so guilt gnaws at his soul.
What can be done?
Admit your mistakes first on an internal level, to yourself, and begin to correct yourself. It is also useful to admit mistakes to someone. That's why people go to church and apologize publicly. After all, it’s one thing when you yourself accepted the guilt, another thing when someone heard it.
Why do I feel guilty after the death of a loved one?
Where does this feeling come from, which can sometimes drive anyone to despair? It will not bypass anyone. After all, we don’t always call and check on our loved ones, we don’t often confess our love and good feelings to them, we don’t do what the deceased expected from us during their lifetime, etc.
Therefore, in different situations we begin to blame ourselves in different ways:
- the mother
reproaches herself because she did not protect her child, and now he is gone, but she lives; - the child
grieves that he was rude to the parent, did not pay attention, did not come to visit, did not fulfill requests, upset him; - spouses
reproach themselves because they were not attentive, were rude, cheated, or soon after the death of their husband or wife found their other half; - the family of the suicide
cannot forgive themselves for not noticing his strange behavior, not paying attention to his suffering and not helping when he so needed support; - The relatives of a loved one with an incurable disease
also blame themselves greatly, because they were reluctant to look after him, were irritated by his requests, tried to evade this responsibility and felt relief after the sufferer left.
But there are other situations when we feel guilty after the death of a loved one. Including when:
- We give harmful advice, for example, suggesting abortion, unnecessary surgery, committing harmful acts and crimes, advising divorce;
- we fire an employee who has nothing to support his family;
- we scold a subordinate, after which he could not survive a heart attack;
- we condemn someone, we reproach them publicly, without monitoring our rhetoric;
- We do not give loans for treatment, accommodation or other needs.
A person can also experience a strong emotional crisis and mental breakdown because he was not with his loved one in the last minutes of his life, did not call a priest for confession, was greedy in giving him money for treatment, and so on.
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband. How to deal with loneliness
The widow's friend will need all the sensitivity, care, and tenderness she has. During such a period, it is extremely important to be nearby and show your participation with all your might.
What not to say to a friend
Avoid talking about finding a new partner or future marriage - the widow will take what is said as an insult.
There is no need to give examples of similar tragedies. Someone else's pain cannot drown out personal pain.
Don’t copy the widow’s behavior; don’t cry with her or complain about fate. At this moment, you need perseverance and fortitude.
What do we have to do
You should unobtrusively remind that there is a lot of good left in the widow’s life, and try to get the woman to think about a bright future.
You can try taking the widow out to crowded places and offering to learn a new hobby together.
Try to talk about abstract topics. Carefully monitor the woman’s condition, insist on visiting a psychotherapist if her condition sharply worsens.
How to admit your mistakes
Many people believe that guilt, like pain, will subside over time. And they prefer to live with her until the end of their days. No, it won't subside. Remorse will only flare up with even greater force. Until understanding and acceptance of some important points comes.
First, we must accept the fact of death. After all, we will all leave, but life will continue after us. That is, it is important to cope with all periods of loss and grief.
To do this, live through the situation - say goodbye to the deceased, bury him with dignity and, without focusing on grief, let go (you can’t bring back the past), start living your old life, proving your love for your loved one with your actions
.
You need to analyze your mistakes, and they happen to everyone. Having understood them internally, at the first level, having realized, admitted: yes, this is true, my behavior in that situation was not correct. And this is the right step.
It’s good to share your confessions with someone who won’t judge and start spreading them left and right. This is an admission of error at the second level.
You can visit a psychologist. A good specialist, having figured it out, will quickly begin to help get rid of the obsessive thoughts that haunt a person.
It also happens that it takes 2-4 sessions to answer the question “how not to blame yourself for the death of a loved one.” Sometimes even regular correspondence on Skype or another messenger is enough.
Believers go to church. And not just to light candles or order the demand. At such moments, communication with a priest is very saving. This could be a confidential conversation with him or a confession. It is enough to tell very honestly about what worries you, what is wrong in your soul and what was done wrong during the life of the deceased
.
Home prayer helps a lot, asking God to grant you the ability to see your mistake and admit your guilt.
Advice for others who are experiencing loss
People close to the grieving woman should be especially attentive and sensitive. They are required to have patience, perseverance, and participation.
Physiological reactions of the body and responses from the psyche
It is necessary to take a closer look at the widow’s reactions and behavior. Your presence nearby should be unobtrusive and tactful.
Be ready to listen to a woman at any moment and support her with a kind word.
Apathy
If the wife of the deceased has been in an apathetic state for a long time, you need to gently persuade her to visit a specialist. Invite her to go to the reception together.
Do not allow a woman in a state of apathy to drink every day; try to distract her in every possible way.
Appetite disturbance
Lack of appetite for a long time may indicate the onset of depression. Try to gently persuade the woman to eat, offer to go to a cafe or cook her favorite dish.
The opposite situation may occur when the widow overindulges in food - this is a manifestation of extreme stress. Try to find another distraction for the woman.
Dizziness, tachycardia, microinfarctions, seizures
These reactions are typical for the first hours after the sad news. If the attacks do not go away over time, seeing a doctor is vital.
Unusual reactions
If a woman has an unstable psycho-emotional background, atypical reactions to bitter news may be observed: hysterical laughter, a desire to destroy everything around, or icy calm, followed by attacks of rage.
Be discreetly nearby
Presence should not be intrusive. You should be there when a woman needs it, without putting pressure on her. It is important to understand and feel when it is better to leave a widow alone, and when not to leave a single step.
Help when a woman asks for it, clarify whether she needs you, do not impose your help when there is no need.
How to correct mistakes in front of a person who is no longer around
Why do they feel guilty? Because they don't admit their mistakes. Or they admit them, but extinguish the gnawing feeling of guilt (by the way, it is necessary, because we learn through it) and do not correct themselves.
It is important not only to admit mistakes, but also to begin to correct them
.
What if he admitted it, but our loved one is no longer with us and there is no one to apologize to? You can say words of apology to the deceased for the mistakes made towards him. Do this mentally, as if communicating with him. But this is optional.
And then eradicate them in yourself and not allow this to happen to others.
Finally, there are other people around you. And you may be making the same mistakes with them. Acknowledge them. Apologize. Stop doing them.
That is, the formula looks something like this. Guilt and guilt after the death of a loved one is an unacknowledged mistake. An apology and correction following the admission of mistakes is the best thing that can happen for the soul of a living person and a deceased one.
How women were able to cope with the death of their husbands
I was very young when my husband died and a serious illness developed. I thought I would go crazy with grief. I started reading the Bible and praying every day. I still remember how I read the lines, and they blurred because tears flowed from my eyes in an endless stream. Now the grief has turned into a bright melancholy. I was able to let go of my loved one.
Ksenia, Tyumen
Ekaterina, Voronezh
New meaning came into my life 2 years after the tragedy. Before leaving, my husband fought cancer for a long time. I was able to rely on my children; they were always there. The children helped me open my own bakery, and I directed all my efforts there.
I buried my husband more than 5 years ago. A new man appeared in my life quite recently. I didn't think I could fall in love. The grief I experienced taught me to appreciate every moment with dear people. The new man is married, I think that I will soon be ready to give him a positive answer.
Inga, Orel
Viola, Moscow
We all couldn’t believe that dad could die so suddenly. He and his mother got married when they were both 18 years old. My brother and I supported my mother with all our might and did not leave her alone. Now the grief I experienced seems very far away.
My friend met with terrible grief. When her husband died, she was left with a small child in her arms. I supported her every day, we read the Bible covenants together, went to church. She was sad, but was able to get out of this state. I sincerely admire her.
Albina, Saratov
What if there is no feeling of guilt, but you are blamed? False or imposed guilt
Could it be that I don’t feel guilty, but everyone around me claims that I do?
Alas, people can impose their mistakes on a person. But that's not his problem. Or the deceased loved one could be blamed for something. But this is false, and not about you.
The living can falsely accuse themselves. Like, I didn’t have time, otherwise he wouldn’t have died, I screamed yesterday and didn’t apologize, didn’t call, but he needed me.
There are many such reasons to blame yourself. But there is no point in blaming yourself for the death of an elderly parent - everyone, and not just mom and dad or grandparents, die.
Therefore, if there is no feeling of guilt inside, i.e. remorse means there is none. But try to impose it on yourself, torment yourself endlessly? Don't blame yourself. It is not worth it.
How to help your mother cope with the death of her husband
Adult children should come to the aid of a mother left without a husband. Children need to not only cope with their own grief, but also become a support for their mother.
What not to say to mom
Don't leave a woman alone with sadness. She may claim that everything is fine - for your sake. But having lived for so many years with one man, his departure cannot but affect her condition.
Mothers may begin to treat their children with overprotectiveness. Do not prohibit such manifestations. A woman needs care to fill the void.
Do not forbid crying for the deceased.
What to say
Actively support any new endeavors: dating, hobbies, going out to public places.
If mom feels better, you can look through old albums together, remembering the best days from the past.
Try to walk together, and while walking, highlight events not related to the tragedy.
Instead of a resume
Someday each of us will go into Eternity. So that those living do not suffer from feelings of guilt and understatement, as if tangled in one ball, they do not need to engage in self-flagellation and self-criticism.
First, it is important to accept the fact of death; second, admit mistakes and correct them; third, stop blaming yourself, continue to live, proving your love for the deceased with good deeds and deeds.
If there is a feeling of guilt, justified or not? Choose any of the options described above. After all, the dead don't need anything. (And certainly – our groans due to imaginary or not imaginary guilt.) In addition to our good memory and constant prayers for their repose...
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