Each of us has encountered this feeling more than once. We understand in which situations it occurs and in which it does not. What is this feeling for? What happens to them at the moment when we experience it? Would you like to minimize the manifestation of shame because it is uncomfortable? Yes of course. In this article we will look at the causes of shame, why and when it happens. And what does this give us, how to deal with it?
General characteristics of shame
If you analyze the palette of feelings that arise in a person, then shame will be one of the leading ones. In addition, it is one of the leading feelings of interrupting contact with a need. We often cannot achieve a goal or get satisfaction from it, because something is stopping us. Shame is high on this list.
A difficult, difficult feeling to bear. A person, trying to avoid discomfort, tries to free himself from unpleasant sensations. However, it is important to understand that if you close your feelings, there is a possibility that they will become toxic.
Guilt often follows shame along with it. How can you tell them apart? If it sounds something like this: “Did I really do this?”, then most likely it will be guilt. And if with an emphasis on “I,” then this is a feeling of shame.
Don't keep everything to yourself
We are rather strange creatures, often expecting from our environment certain actions and actions that seem most appropriate to us. We don't give other people a chance to do differently.
. This is why many of us look at this or that situation rather one-sidedly, not noticing all the facets, all the nuances (or, conversely, exaggerating them).
Let's imagine the following picture: you, while in a company, did something that personally causes you a feeling of strong and deep guilt. Try talking to someone from this company; with someone you trust
, if there is such a person or just with an outside observer. And you may be very surprised when you find out that no one but you thinks about your action!
Perhaps you misunderstood the situation, imagining who knows what. Perhaps you simply incorrectly interpreted someone’s accidentally dropped phrase, someone’s gesture, or look. Discuss it with someone who could see more
Perhaps it will turn out that all your worries and pangs of conscience are not worth a damn! This is why it is very important not to keep everything to yourself.
How is the feeling of shame formed?
Shame is a social feeling that was formed in childhood. Children are born without this feeling. They are completely spontaneous. They can burp, fart, or scream at any moment.
The feeling of shame socializes us. In society, it is customary to behave in a certain way. Moreover, it should be noted that in different cultures this looks completely different. It's about mentality.
Through the feeling of shame we understand what is good and what is bad. If we notice the conformity with ourselves, then the feeling of shame does not arise. That is, what happens to us does not contradict our beliefs and attitudes. For example, we believe that there is nothing wrong with laughing loudly on the subway. And disapproving glances from fellow travelers may not bother us at all.
Shame arises, for example, as a parent's gaze built inside. “Ayay!” And you can also wave your finger. In childhood, the child was thus shown disapproval of his behavior.
When children develop sexual interest, parents must understand that this is a cognitive function. It happens that an adult begins to shame a child for any manifestations of interest in this area. At this moment, the child develops a fixation: “I won’t do this,” and the appearance of a “freeze” can be noted. Or “I will do this in public!” – in this case, the personality, on the contrary, will be unfixed according to this parameter. It is important for parents to talk to their children about this matter as much as possible. Tell children about all aspects of life in a clear manner.
Excessive “loving” of children by parents can also negatively affect the formation of an individual’s relationship with these feelings. Parents can show their child approval no matter what the child has done. Excessive Self is formed.
In kindergarten, at school, the child encounters society. They may tell him that he is not perfect in some way, but in the family they said that he is the standard. The task of the individual or psychologist himself is to live these feelings with clients.
"What do you think about it? How do you feel about this? Stay close through the experience of shame.
And if, on the contrary, the parents say something like this: “It’s okay!” – excessive approval and internal toxin to be kept inside.
Immunity to shame
In the process of development of society and man, individuals may develop immunity to shame. This may occur due to the following factors:
- They understand what shame is and know exactly what can make them feel this way.
- They test whether the demands placed on them can be met and convince us that to be imperfect is to fail to meet society's expectations.
- They bare their souls to people they trust and tell them everything.
- They say the word “shame” out loud, talk about their feelings, and ask for what they need.
Criteria for feeling shame
The relevance parameter reflects how much I do not correspond to the context; Ego determines where I can present my need and where I cannot. For example, it happens that we behave quite correctly, however, we feel “out of place”, we are not comfortable, and there is a desire to break off contact.
If there are those to whom I can present myself, this feeling will be reflected by others and accepted by them, then shame does not arise. For example, if in a given society it is customary to speak loudly in the presence of others, then the feeling of shame will arise less and less, and then may completely disappear when trying to raise the tone of voice in the dialogue.
Why are we shamed since childhood?
The manipulation of shame in raising children is a fairly common, but, according to psychologists, harmful technique.
Parents resort to it to direct the child’s behavior in the direction of the “generally accepted norm,” but they often do this in an impersonal, non-constructive form. Instead of teaching, showing ways out of the current situation after making a mistake, adults may not be able to cope with emotions and simply exclaim: “Shame on you!”
However, up to a certain age (6–7 years), children do not understand all social norms, but simply get scared, reacting to a change in parental mood, and stop doing something out of fear. A child who is reminded almost daily of the need to be ashamed grows into an adult who is unsure of his behavior and constantly evaluates his own actions from the position of an outside spectator.
Dynamics of experiencing shame
How does this feeling change over time? It varies. If there is someone who shares this experience, then it becomes more comfortable. It happens that we quickly want to share the feeling we are experiencing with another person, and then its intensity decreases.
Shame is labeled as an extremely negative reaction, and you want to get rid of it. Regardless of the intensity of this experience, it is unpleasant.
The generally accepted criterion of social reality is regulated from the volitional context. In society, people have agreed that we do this and we don’t do that. This is the level of moral and ethical criteria of reality. These characteristics may change as the historical context progresses.
Shame does not disappear if in a new place it is not considered such, and a person has become accustomed in early experiences to the fact that it is shameful.
Excessive display of shame reduces its toxicity through familiarization with other people. For example, some people prefer to tell the team about some kind of misconduct themselves, especially in a humorous manner.
What exactly makes us ashamed: society's norms or our own principles?
There are two competing theories: autonomous and heteronormative shame.
- Autonomous shame theory states that we only feel ashamed of something when we act contrary to our values and principles. For example, it’s important for me to deliver my work on time, but I don’t have time and I’m ashamed of myself for it. Society may approve or criticize my desire to not have a deadline, but I feel burning shame because I violated what is important to me personally.
- Heteronormative shame theory states that I feel shame primarily when I violate norms that are important to the society in which I live. If society cultivates the image of a person who is on time always and everywhere, then I will shame myself for violating all deadlines. But if society encourages self-care and an indulgent attitude towards one's shortcomings, then I would rather be ashamed of taking on too much and not getting enough rest.
Many arguments can be made in favor of each of the theories. But to understand why shame can be toxic, it is worth turning to the object of shame itself and asking: why am I ashamed of this particular thing? What are the rules behind this? Are they important to me personally or is this what most people are motivated by?
Sometimes we feel embarrassed about what really matters to us. Then shame helps us see what exactly we are doing wrong, so that we don’t do it again in the future and correct ourselves.
But sometimes we are ashamed of something with which we ourselves do not agree. What to do then? Philosophers and psychotherapists advise questioning these norms, recognizing their inadequacy and calling on healthy pride to help.
Pride in yourself and your actions is the opposite emotion of shame. She helps to change not only herself, but also society. If half a century ago people were ashamed of the fact that they belonged to LGBTQ+ and hid it in every possible way, then thanks to gay prides (pride in English is translated as “pride”) and the fight for equality, homophobes are now more likely to be shamed.
When we examine our own shame and the shame that is promoted by society, we better understand ourselves and our culture. If social norms do not satisfy you, doubt helps you change them - and stop being ashamed of yourself.
It is important to think and talk about shame.
We need to not only notice it, but also check why we shame ourselves and others. And then, perhaps, shame will become our friend: it will help us cooperate better, respect our own and others’ boundaries, or tell us how to change social norms.
The effect of shame on a person
If shame is strong, it freezes our actions. Shame can regulate and stop until something dangerous happens in the environment.
A person who is ashamed looks either stunned or frozen. This is what stops any movement. And if the factor that caused this feeling continues to act, then it causes pain.
For example, in front of the whole class, accuse the child of what he did. Not all teachers, unfortunately, are able to do this correctly and in doses.
It's also important to mention shamelessness. As a rule, this happens in the absence of restrictions. As we found out earlier, parents create shame. If the socialization process was not carried out correctly, or in the absence of parents, then the person is simply not familiar with how to behave in society and how not to.
If the experience of shame, horror, and fear is suppressed, this can lead to deviations. The child could not survive it at that moment. The intensity of these experiences, of course, influences how the individual will deal with these feelings in the future.
If a person starts to do something, he is ashamed, and a feeling of guilt appears. It comes from another person. For example, you can do something about feelings of guilt. For example, to atone, pray, ask for forgiveness. It's harder to do this with shame.
Guilt can be overcome, lived, unlike shame.
Shame and guilt: the glue of civilization
The sad side of human existence is the eternal tension between the individual and society. I want to take a day off and drive someone else's car. I want to ski naked and post videos on YouTube. But if everyone behaved in accordance with such desires, the world would go crazy.
Accordingly, human society requires compromise. From childhood, you and I learn to give up some desires, thereby creating a society from which we receive more benefits. Don't say it. Don't wear that. Say “thank you” after a friend gets you out of jail. These are simple practices that make the gears of society turn. Although they require sacrifice from individuals, they add up to a better life.
But how do you get people to give up their own impulses and desires for the common good? From behavior that reflects poorly on the group, even if it pleases the individual? Right. Shame them.
