My husband hits me - what should I do? What prevents you from breaking off a relationship with an abusive man? Part 1

My husband hits me - what should I do? What prevents you from breaking off a relationship with an abusive man? Part 1

In this article I want to touch on the topic of domestic violence. If you are reading this text, then most likely you have experienced violence in your family. Perhaps this is happening now. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is very widespread, and - what is even more regrettable - few people talk about it.

Misconception #1

Victims of violence are to blame for being beaten

In fact, in this sense, practically nothing depends on the woman. Why? – the reader will ask.

• What if she says terrible things?
• What if she was the first to push or hit?
• What if she was flirting with someone else?

Even if all this is true. Even if she behaved rudely, indecently or said hurtful words, it was the man who made the decision to hit or not. Could he just leave her? But for some reason he chose the path of violence.

• Yes, he got so angry that he simply lost control of himself! – the same reader will say.

Then why didn't he kill her? Why, having seen his wife flirting with someone else, did he hit her only after returning home? Why did he close the door to the children's room before striking?

Experience working with those who practice domestic violence against women (rapists) shows that in the vast majority of cases the man is aware of what he is doing and is able to control himself.

The inability to control one's own behavior is either a pathology or an illusion, and this applies to everyone, not just men. Domestic violence against women exists because men want power and are taught that it can be obtained by force. Society condones this idea.

The idea that a woman provokes a man to use violence is completely untenable. Of course, we can say that some women (and people in general) behave in such a way that you want to strangle them, but this does not mean that this is what they do to them. There is always a choice. This is what distinguishes a person from an animal, which acts solely on the stimulus-response principle.

Human nature has the ability to be aware of one’s actions, and therefore to control them. The ability to make conscious decisions based on the analysis of stimuli, one’s own needs and desires, on the one hand, and predicting the consequences of one’s reactions, on the other, significantly distinguishes a person from an animal.

The person who committed domestic violence was willing to do it. He was looking (or waiting) for an excuse. Even if a woman silently fulfilled all his wishes and demands, he would most likely “punish” her for excessive submission, expressing contempt for her position.

By nagging a woman for any reason, the rapist thereby gets rid of internal tension. What he does is related to the need to vent his anger, and the woman’s behavior has little to do with this. She is just an object of influence here, and nothing more. It is internal tension that causes a man to beat a woman.

Life in an inpatient crisis center for women

The next day I called the crisis center for women who have experienced physical violence.

I was told that I could live in the center’s hospital after collecting a package of documents:

• form 9,
• SNILS, passport;
• a certificate from the emergency room (there is nothing complicated in relieving a beating, just come to the emergency room at any time and wait for your turn);
• a certificate from a therapist confirming the absence of contraindications;
• notification ticket from the police.

In order to comply with the form, I told the police and the emergency room that an unknown person had hit me.

In any case, the documents I received will be useful for my future family life. After all, it is unknown how everything might turn out.

I, both before and now, advocated and advocate for the preservation of the family. It is necessary to get out of any situation competently, so that the man does not consider the woman a victim, but understands that if something happens, the wife will be able to give a competent rebuff.

Competent does not mean hitting harder, but legally protecting yourself so that something like this definitely doesn’t happen again.

I was received very well at that crisis center. They gave me a separate room where I lived alone for 2 weeks. Then a young girl with a child moved in with me, with whom I lived for another 2 weeks.

All women in the inpatient care center have the opportunity to receive psychological help.

While still in the center, the idea came to me to write a similar article, for this reason I took several live photographs so that you understand what kind of place this is.

This is a shared kitchen.

This is the corridor behind the doors of the women's room, many of whom live in this center with children.

And this is the right wing of the center. Behind the doors are the offices of the center's administration.

Misconception #2

Domestic violence against women will stop if they become better (more affectionate, more skillful, more beautiful, sexier, etc.)

Violence is not just an action - it is an attitude. An abusive man may or may not love his partner, but he definitely needs power, and it requires constant confirmation.

Violence is born where the offender has an oppressive feeling of powerlessness. This is why violence will always be repeated. The reasons why an abuser needs power so much are varied, but are often compensatory in nature.

For example, once in childhood such a person was deprived of the opportunity to make decisions on his own, was under the yoke of someone whom he was unable to resist (we are not talking about normal parental demands that the child obey and behave appropriately, but rather the central place , here the word “oppression” occupies.

“When you are 18, you will decide for yourself what to do, but while you live with us, you must obey. We feed him, we give him water, you know, but he also decided to set his own rules. No thanks! - such parents are indignant.

By using violence, a man who grew up in such conditions proves to himself over and over again that he is not powerless. Once upon a time he should have obeyed, but now someone appears (he who seeks may find!) someone weaker than him.

No matter what a woman does, no matter how hard she tries to be better, the violence will continue until the abuser reconsiders his values ​​and accepts his weakness in order to learn to be truly strong.

Showy strength hides vulnerability, a sense of inferiority, inner weakness and still leaves a person in a state of powerlessness. True strength lies in having the courage to admit your powerlessness (which happens to everyone), and give yourself the work to overcome it, without causing harm to others.

Misconception #3

An abusive man can be a good father, so it makes sense to tolerate abuse for the benefit of the children

According to various studies, about 90% of children whose mothers are abused become unwitting witnesses. Domestic violence against women has a significant impact on children.

It has been proven that people who regularly witness violence have the same (or very similar) psychological consequences as the victims themselves.

In addition, as a rule, if there is a violent type of relationship in a family, it extends to children. Can a person whose actions cause significant harm to the health of his children be called a good father? This, as you can understand, is a rhetorical question.

Alarm suitcase

If the incident with my friend happened today, she would have a chance to resort to an ambulance - call the free helpline for women victims of domestic violence: 8800-7000-600.

“Our first priority is to listen carefully and sympathetically to the woman who called,” says Irina Matvienko. “After all, sometimes she doesn’t even have anyone to share her sorrows with.” Then you need to find out how dangerous her situation is, how she herself assesses it. Together with her, we draw up a safety plan, find out if there are relatives or friends with whom she could hide for a while, and give her information that she can use in a critical case. For example, the address of the nearest crisis center or shelter for survivors of violence. We do not recommend anything - as a rule, it is ineffective. We are trying to help her find internal resources to overcome the situation. And to file an application against the rapist in court or not to file, to divorce him or not - she decides for herself.

Irina Matvienko gives several recommendations in case a catastrophe is brewing in the family. Firstly, it is best to pack an “emergency suitcase” with the personal items necessary for the first time and some products for yourself and the children.

Be sure to keep with you or in a secluded place inaccessible to the offender, the most important documents - a passport and birth certificates of children, a little money for the first case.

You should also save all payment receipts for large purchases and real estate - they will come in handy if you still intend to file for divorce and division of property.

...And what about Tatiana? Recently I went to visit her again. And she told me the end of her woman's story. Sergei, once drunk to the point of insanity, beat her so much that she lost consciousness and spent two weeks in the hospital with a concussion. After being discharged from the hospital, she left home without looking back. Now she lives with her adult son and went back to work.

“But I’m afraid of men,” she admitted. “I don’t want to become dependent on them again.” After all, my first husband beat me too. What if the monster gets caught again?”

Misconception #4

A man hits a woman, but he really loves her

Here the situation is as follows: firstly, maybe he really loves, but does this mean that everything is allowed to him?! Love is understood differently by everyone. For the abuser, as a rule, this feeling is associated with a desire to control and dominate.

However, confusion often arises when vivid sensory manifestations are mistaken for true affection. Love, however, is more than ardent passion. It includes caring for the object of desire, and such care that does not run counter to the desires of the latter.

The desire, for example, to isolate your partner in order to protect her from the harmful influence of friends and relatives, is not very similar to a manifestation of love, at least because it can go against the woman’s desires and cause her pain.

One should separate love (the feeling that may live in the offender) and violence (how this feeling manifests itself). If a man beats a woman, then it is no longer so important whether he loves her or not. What matters is that he causes her suffering. The violence used is a fact that makes sense to resist, regardless of what other feelings may be behind it.

In fact, domestic violence against women is a topic shrouded in many myths, but these four misconceptions, in my opinion, most often prevent you from breaking off a relationship with your abuser.

So, to summarize: a woman may find it difficult to leave her rapist because she blames herself for what is happening to her (agrees with the accusations of others). As a result, he believes that by changing and “becoming better,” he will be able to convince his offender to stop (will satisfy him). She sacrifices herself (or bravely endures this test), believing that this is a benefit for her children.

All this, of course, may seem like good reasons, but they are wrong. Ultimately, only the rapist is responsible for what he does.

Here we do not take into account his own history of training in violence. Of course, he has his own, often objective, reasons for behaving this way - childhood traumas, an instilled belief in patriarchal power, etc. But this is not an excuse, because ultimately a person always has a choice: how to live through his traumas and how to implement the attitudes given in childhood.

Now that the myths are over, let's turn to the objective difficulties and dangers that are associated with breaking up an abusive relationship.

How to recognize psychological violence

The fourth type of violence is the most elusive for the minds of our women. This is psychological violence. Let's look point by point at what it might involve.

• Devaluation: You are never good enough for your partner. He finds flaws in you and comments on them - with pleasure or ridicule. Whatever you achieve, he manages to downplay it. Any success you have is zero for him. Your appearance, weight, humor, career, plans are a reason for ridicule or even insults.
• Manipulation "closer-further". Today he is warm and dear, he carries you in his arms and everything is like in a fairy tale. And the next day he disappears from the radar or speaks in a cold tone. And you don't understand what you did wrong? You start to beat yourself up and blame yourself. Look for mistakes in your behavior. But it's not about you - it's only about him.
• Cultivating feelings of guilt. The partner does not admit his guilt, and blames you for any quarrel. Gradually you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you.
• Torture by ignorance and silence. This is perhaps the most painful manipulation for the victim. Silence can last from hours to months - this is how the rapist punishes the victim. He does not engage in dialogue, completely ignores her, and at this time the victim is burning in emotional hell.
• Triangulation is a new word to learn. This is when a third character is introduced into the game. And not necessarily a rival.

This could be a mother whose opinion is more important than the opinion of her wife. The wife has no say because his mom always knows best. This could be a friend or friends with whom the partner goes away for the weekend, leaving his wife and children at home. He's relaxing. He’s so used to it, he needs “male” communication. Friends are placed higher than a woman’s emotions, they are a priority. Ex-woman or so-called childhood friend: the “we’re just friends” story is a classic triangulation.

This is a manipulation designed to show the victim that she, her feelings, emotions, desires are not a priority in a man’s life. It is very painful and destructive.

Why is it difficult to leave? – the objective side of the issue

Why don't you just leave? is a question that victims of violence often hear. The thing is that this is not very easy for a number of reasons.

First of all, it's dangerous. According to statistics, murder in couples where domestic violence against women is practiced is more likely precisely when the victim declares an intention to leave. As paradoxical as it may sound, often a woman remains in a relationship with a rapist because she feels that if she leaves him, she will be in even greater danger.

Secondly, abusers, as a rule, do their best to limit the freedom of their victims, including financial. Therefore, a woman simply may not have a means of subsistence. Economic dependence is a very compelling reason. If a woman does not have sufficient work experience and education, if she has been sitting at home for a long time, raising children, it is very difficult to find a job.

In addition, a woman living with an abuser is often cut off from her social circle and has difficulty finding support. Typically, isolation occurs gradually. There are two reasons for this: the first is the systematic actions of the rapist. The male abuser does his best to prevent the victim from communicating with anyone. So he strives for absolute power over her.

Someone will ask: why does the woman agree to his demands? He offers to stay at home (at first he only offers), but can’t she herself, perhaps, defend her interests?

In reality, yes, as a rule, it cannot. After all, a woman living with a rapist once chose him herself. Such a couple is formed on the principle of matching unconscious “requests”: a man with a tendency towards tyranny subconsciously looks for a potential victim, and a woman with an internal feeling of her own insignificance is looking for a “master” who can make her life more meaningful.

Of course, this phenomenon is more complex than this conditional scheme, and it is called codependency. You can read more about this in the corresponding article. But the bottom line is that victims of violence become such even before entering into a relationship with their abuser. Something inside pushes them towards this union.

Therefore, to get out of an abusive relationship, it is not enough to simply leave the offender - it is necessary to resolve internal issues, then the next relationship will be different. Few people can do this on their own; more often than not, the help of a specialist is required.

There is another concept that is relevant to this situation – learned helplessness. When a person fails over and over again in solving any task (in our case, satisfying his partner), sooner or later a moment comes when he stops believing that he is capable of anything at all.

You can learn more about this by reading reports on Martin Seligman's experiments. According to his research, the life of a person trained in helplessness is accompanied by a feeling of loss of freedom and control. This, among other things, leads to the woman becoming unable to resist the demands of her abuser.

The second reason is the gradually occurring reluctance of the woman herself to communicate with anyone. Often, victims of violence deliberately stop communicating with relatives and friends because they feel a sense of shame for what is happening to them. In addition, society often condemns them.

In addition, it is quite possible that the time when a woman was forced to endure humiliation and insults deprived her of faith in her own strength. If we look deeper, it rather did not deprive, but rather aggravated, her initial codependency, but on a subjective level this is often perceived by a woman as the final loss of at least some self-confidence that took place before marriage.

This is often experienced as the inability to cope with life's tasks without a husband. And where should you go, especially if you have children? After all, you need to live somewhere. It’s good if there are parents or close friends who can provide living space, but what if not? What to do then?

One should not discount the fact that many women have an emotional dependence on their abuser, since there may well be good sides to him. After all, she once loved him. In addition, divorce is a loss of social status, and for many women it is very important.

In this article, we looked at some of the reasons why women stay in relationships with abusive men.

We found that when a man hits a woman, the latter may be afraid to leave, and this fear is often objective. We also talked about the fact that often women (victims of violence) unconsciously look for men who will offend them. This means that having left one rapist, a woman is highly likely to find another. However, if, once she is safe, she can deal with the reasons that are pushing her into a violent relationship, the result will be different. This is good news because it means that women have the power to change this scenario.

The second part of the article will be devoted to practical recommendations for those who have decided to take the first step towards getting rid of violent oppression.

If you have any questions about the article:

Blog

Dear friends! Today's article reveals the reasons why a man might raise his hand. In the article I write about three types of men who have this tendency. In the article I give specific recommendations to both sides. The information is priceless and has already helped many couples maintain and significantly improve their relationships! Happy reading.

So, there are three types of men who can hit a woman: people with a special type of nervous system, psychopaths, men who consider such behavior acceptable.

And now more about each type with specific recommendations for both sides.

1. PEOPLE WITH NERVOUS SYSTEM DISABILITIES

The first type is people with a special type of nervous system. These people are characterized by very mobile processes of excitation both at the level of muscles (body) and at the level of emotions. Who are these people in real life?

The most prominent representatives of this type are special forces soldiers and representatives of the Ministry of Emergency Situations.

These are the people who were fired up with emotion, did not have time to think about the action and committed the action.

Such a person sees that someone is drowning in icy water and, not having time to judge that saving him could die himself, rushes to help.

In contrast, people in whom inhibition processes predominate at the level of the body (muscles) will have time to judge how appropriate a given action is and will behave not under the influence of emotion, but under the influence of reason.

So, if you or your loved one are dominated by arousal processes at the level of emotions and body, you are an impulsive person, a Person of Action.

And if you are thrown off balance, you are prone to commit actions that you will greatly regret in the future.

Such a man can hit a woman under the influence of strong emotions, and then very much regret what he did, ask for forgiveness, etc.

Recommendations for a person with a highly excitable type of nervous system are as follows.

In cases of boiling over, it is necessary to sublimate the powerful energy caused by emotions.

To sublimate is to translate instinctive forms of behavior into socially acceptable ones.

You can sublimate in different ways: you can hit the wall with your fist, or you can write a poem.

So, in this case (an attack of anger and a desire to hit), it is necessary to apply the following algorithm of behavior:

1. The very first thing is to use a timeout (break).

A time-out is an action between a stimulus (what caused the anger) and a reaction (hitting).

This could be physical removal from the situation: going to the bathroom, another room, outside, to the gym. This could be counting to yourself to 10. Or as one of my followers wrote on the Instagram blog @yakovleva_help “I need to eat barberry.”

Any action taken between the stimulus and the response weakens the final response. The response is inversely proportional to the force or time-out time. This is how the work of our nervous system works: pure psychophysiology.

2. The second is living the emotion.

Taking advantage of a time-out, you need to correctly experience the emotion that has arisen.

The bare minimum is to say it out loud in privacy. As for anger, it is necessary to use muscles: either tense your fists, back muscles, cheekbones, feet on the floor, or perform striking actions. You also need to find a place in the body for the emotion that has arisen, concentrate on it and breathe deeply through it.

For more information on how to experience emotions correctly, see my video on the Yakovleva Help YouTube channel “Managing Emotions.”

The result of implementing these recommendations is a weakening of their strength from 8-10 points on a 10-point scale to 7 and below.

When an emotion is above 8 points, it controls our behavior. When lower, our mind controls our behavior.

For example, if we are afraid of flights by 8-10 points, we will end up not flying to Vietnam (although we really want to go to the sea), but will relax in Altai. If our fear of airplanes is less than 8 points, we can still make the flight.

So, if we used a time-out and lived through the emotion, thereby weakening it to 7 points and below, we will no longer take actions that we will regret, i.e. we won't hit!

Recommendations for people who interact with representatives of a highly excitable type of nervous system.

One recommendation here is not to provoke.

Understand that these are mentally healthy people, but due to the innate characteristics of the nervous system (which cannot be changed), they are prone to affect: they perform actions under the influence of strong emotions, not on purpose, without planning them in advance. Such people are even acquitted in court or have their sentences significantly reduced. Do not rely on the fact that a person will read the above recommendations and change instantly, it is very difficult to start applying new patterns of behavior in life, not everyone is capable of this right away. It takes time. How often do you manage to immediately eliminate them after realizing your mistakes in behavior? For example, stop provoking your partner with extreme emotions. These are habits - and it takes time to get used to them. For both you and your partner.

2. PSYCHOPATHS

Another thing is psychopaths. A psychopath is a mentally ill person. A person with antisocial behavior. He plans the beating in advance. He does this coldly, calculatingly, consciously and with a specific goal - to humiliate, devalue. Such a person does not love himself, does not respect himself, although outwardly this is practically not noticeable. He is terribly afraid of being left alone - and the only way he uses to keep the victim is physical and moral humiliation. Through this behavior, he is trying to show her that she is needed by no one and no one except him.

Such people do not suffer from pangs of conscience, feelings of guilt and the desire to beg for forgiveness.

Such a person needs serious psychotherapy. Here, recommendations are useless because the psychopath does not realize that there is anything wrong with him.

Recommendations for the person interacting:

Stop interacting with such a person. This is the only thing that can motivate him to psychotherapy. Only after he has completely completed the course of therapy can you try to restore the relationship.

3. PEOPLE WHO CONSIDER PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AS AN ACCEPTABLE FORM OF BEHAVIOR

Basically, these are naturally healthy people, with completely different nervous systems, but with problems in education. Such people, just like representatives of the first type, experience guilt and remorse. Being overly intoxicated is often the trigger for physical aggression.

Basically, these are people who witnessed or were victims of regular physical violence in childhood.

The power of physical violence in childhood is what is being demonstrated in the present.

I am not saying that all people who have observed violence or been its victims will universally use this form of behavior in their families. A significant portion of such people, on the contrary, have a hyper-harsh attitude towards physical aggression.

For example, a girl who throughout her childhood saw her father beating her mother, after the first similar act of her partner towards herself, categorically breaks off the relationship, without even trying to understand the reasons for his such behavior. For her, this is a huge unlived pain of childhood, she is not ready to face it even a millimeter.

So, if you recognize yourself in this type - you are showing aggression because you witnessed physical violence in childhood - the following recommendations are for you:

1. Primary is to work through the traumas of the past : those terrible episodes that you had to witness. As a result of such work, you will forgive the offenders, or at least these memories will fade, you will let them go. From now on they will lose their power. You will stop showing physical aggression.

You can work on yourself with the help of my article “How to overcome panic, anxiety, fear?” or with the help of a qualified specialist.

2. Secondary is working with emerging anger , in the impulse of which you can commit inappropriate actions - read point one and my video on the Yakovleva Help YouTube channel “Managing Emotions.”

If you recognize this type as your partner, then here is one recommendation for you - you need to strictly stop this behavior.

Let me explain with an example from life.

This case was told to me by my uncle, who worked in the criminal investigation department. One day a call came in. The man got drunk and beat his wife, she called my uncle for help.

He has arrived. The man was not at home. The uncle asks the woman why she doesn’t take off her clothes. She replies that in this case he threatened to kill her. The uncle laughed and said that he would not kill, but he needed to be given a message: “As soon as the next time he swings, grab the frying pan and hit him with all your might, so that he doesn’t get hurt!”

Six months later, this woman calls him, all in tears, and says that she did as he recommended and her husband was just taken to the hospital by ambulance. I was very worried that he would die. The man recovered and since then has never raised his hand against his wife.

A very similar episode is described in the book “Father Arseny” - those who wish can read it for themselves.

I'm not advocating for everyone to grab a frying pan and hit back at their husbands, I'm saying that this behavior needs to be discouraged. Inaction in this case is a form of encouragement.

It is imperative to negatively reinforce this habit (the habit of raising your hand). You can call the police, push you out the door, call your neighbors, not talk for a week, etc. The more categorical your rebuff is, the better it will work. It will work because this is how our nervous system works: we positively reinforce negative behavior - it forms and becomes a habit, we negatively reinforce it - it “gets used to it”.

That's all, dear friends! I hope it was useful! If you have any questions, ask them in the comments – I will be happy to answer them all!

With love, Your #psychologist Anna Yakovleva

PS The type of nervous system that I write about in the first paragraph of the article can be determined using the unique, unparalleled in the world, software and hardware complex “PROGNOZ-SIGVET”, see the section HELP IN SELF-realization.
Tags: relationship marriage save marriage man beats psychopath beating