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What does "normal relationship" mean? What are they and who has them? A family psychologist answers.
As a family psychotherapist, clients often come to me with questions about relationships that can be boiled down to one thing: “Is this even normal?!” The question of the “normality” of relationships arises because people often have some idea of this very “normality”, and non-compliance with this (conventional) norm often raises a lot of anxiety, bewilderment or protest.
So what is a “normal relationship”? What are they and who has them? Let's try to figure it out.
You accept each other's past
Each of us has a past. Accepting the fact that in the past your soulmate had a close and beloved person and this person was not you, naturally, is painful, but necessary.
Don't be afraid to talk about the past. You can’t erase words from a song, and if you flatly refuse to even hear that a person had someone before you, then you are simply cutting off a significant part of his life.
In a healthy relationship, as we said above, there are no taboo topics, no senseless jealousy, especially about what is left in the past.
Sign 1. They don’t waste their time on you
Time is what any serious person values above all else. It slips through your fingers every minute, and it is no longer possible to return it. You spend a lot of time together , and your partner doesn’t get away with phrases like “I’m very busy,” “I don’t have time today,” “I have other plans,” when you suggest going for a walk or sitting in a cafe? Only those who see the promise of this communication are not sorry to spend time on communication.
Couple on a winter walk
Partnership between a man and a woman
This is a very important point that not all people pay attention to. And to you, dear readers, I recommend that you pay attention to it. We are talking about partnerships between a man and a woman. Whatever relationship you build with the opposite sex, if you want it to be serious, strong and long-lasting, it must include a partnership between you and your man or woman. Many people, I repeat, do not attach importance to this relationship, but I believe, based on my experience, that a man and a woman, especially if they are husband and wife, must be partners, in addition to everything else. They are one team that must have common goals and agreed upon ways to achieve those goals. Therefore, a man and a woman should be a support for each other, they should be at the same time, they should support each other and help each other in difficult situations. So there must be a common cause, there must be common goals, so that people - men and women - have the most in common, so that they are interested in each other and are useful to each other on many issues. A man and a woman must understand that together they are strong, and they need to use this strength as a bonding agent in the foundation of their relationship. In general, a man and a woman should have a common life, and not so that one lives his life and achieves his goals, and the other, the other, his own. Common interests, common goals, common views on many things, maybe not all, but many - this is what makes relationships strong and lasting.
Stop manipulating
When a child cannot get what he wants, he begins to be capricious, take offense and throw tantrums - thus, he forces his parents to submit to his weak will. A little miracle walking under the table can make adults dance to its tune. It is not surprising that the technique of such manipulation is postponed and strengthened in his mind as the most effective way to achieve his goal.
And then the child grows up. Desires change, relationships with the world and other people change, but the manipulation technique is only being honed. Even where one could simply ask, heavy artillery is now used - pressure on pity, on conscience, on a sense of duty, on pride - just to avoid refusal and long explanations.
Manipulation is a way to get what you want from other people without taking any responsibility for it. Asking is more difficult - you need to take the courage to clearly state your desire, and even get involved in reciprocal obligations that you so want to avoid. Therefore, hints, sighs, an offended or upset look are used - anything to make the person next to him want to do exactly what I want from him.
And although it seems that manipulation is harmless, it actually greatly complicates the relationship. Any manipulation is deception and self-deception. And any such dishonesty is the shortest path to the destruction of relationships.
Yes, in any person you can find those strings by which you can pull him. But why? Don't want to get rejected? But in reality it’s not so scary - you never know what we want and don’t get. Don’t feel like talking about your desire directly? Why not say, why not take a risk? This is also not as scary as it seems. Don't want to be held accountable for fulfilling your wishes? But isn't that fair? And is it really such a big problem to fulfill the wishes of a loved one?
Why are all these games needed if everything can be agreed upon? It is clear that it is scary to lay all your cards on the table at once - revealing your desires and passions to another person is scary. So what, hide like this all your life? Why not start slowly talking about your passions openly - because this is the only way to truly satisfy your desires and move on. Why do we need mutual trust if we don’t use it and don’t develop it?
There are so many grievances in ordinary families because of these fears and stupid shyness - “Oh, you don’t hear or understand me at all!”
- so maybe you need to sit down and calmly explain everything, and not expect that a person who, in general, owes you nothing, will understand the intricacies of your conflicting desires?
Learn to talk about your desires as simply and directly as possible. There is no need to beat around the bush - speak about your desire honestly and openly. Yes, sometimes this requires a bit of courage and a willingness to meet a loved one in the same way when he asks for it - so what? This is how adults live - they negotiate. They do not bargain and do not calculate the cost of each service, but they are not shy about asking and do not hesitate to fulfill other people’s wishes.
This only makes relationships easier. The ability to ask and the willingness to meet each other halfway in fulfilling desires makes communication easy and carefree. Why wait until the gentleman deigns to give you flowers if you can ask him about it? After all, he himself will be happy to please you. Why quietly hope that your friend will read your innocent erotic fantasy in her eyes, if you can say it directly? And she herself will be pleased that you see an attractive woman in her.
There is a limit to everything - not every desire is appropriate and not every desire can be fulfilled, but that’s why we are adults - we can negotiate. Take courage and learn to play openly. Stop fussing and manipulating each other. The more simply you can talk about your desires, the more likely you are to realize them, and the more open, joyful and long-lasting your relationship will be. Go for it.
Sign 3. Personal growth
Serious relationships allow you not to think about energy-sucking jealousy, suspicions, and doubts. If your self-esteem grows, you don’t delve into yourself in search of flaws, you want to learn new things, you are happy to carry out your work duties and everyday routine - then you’re just feeling good . If your partner feels the same way, you will see that he becomes a better person and more confident around you.
In a real full-fledged relationship, it’s good for both partners
Sign 10. Living together
Living together is a difficult and serious test of relationships. Is your partner ready to wake up with you every morning, to see you without makeup and in everyday chores, to share your home and free time with you? Now it depends on both how similar your characters will be, whether you can pacify your temperaments, whether you will learn to live together, and whether your relationship will have a future.
Living together is always a serious step in a relationship
Ideally, if all 10 signs are present in your relationship , but even a few from the list are enough, and the rest may appear over time.
Solemn ritual
The consummation of the marriage received wide publicity. The very moment of intimate relations between those entering into marriage took place in the form of a solemn ritual. After all, the main purpose of this action was to prove that the bride is faithful to her husband, and therefore innocent.
In many nations, blood on a white sheet after the couple’s seclusion served as proof of the bride’s innocence. The very process of deprivation of innocence was accompanied by various rituals: chants at the marriage bed, the posting of special guards at the windows, and the preparation of ritual dishes that give strength. Such rituals were designed to ward off evil spirits and dark forces.
Love
And finally, Her Majesty love! You know, dear readers, I could tell you a lot more about the relationship between a man and a woman, but let’s finish the discussion of this topic within the framework of this article, after all, with the most important thing - love. If she is love, there is, then all of the above and much more, on which the relationship between a man and a woman depends, will be in perfect order. If you love a person, you will try to do everything for him! And if not, then no advice will help you. No psychologist can help, much less make you fall in love with a person; love starts in your heart and then reaches your mind. Therefore, you must not only feel, but also understand whether you love a person or not. If you love, then this is good, it means that you will do everything for your relationship with him, the best that you are capable of. As for him or her, let them decide for themselves how and with what to respond to your love. You won’t be nice by force, so don’t demand that people love you in return. And in general, listen to the advice of one wise man who once told me that the main thing is not that you love, but that you are loved! If they love you, then you will love someone who sincerely loves you - with bright and pure love, provided that you love not only with your heart, but also with your mind. And also provided that you are generally capable of loving someone other than yourself. For true love, friends, you need to grow up. After all, an immature, essentially childish mind is selfish, while a mature and developed mind is capable of thinking not only about itself, but also about others. We are too selfish beings, so when we are not developed enough intellectually, it is unusual for us to think about other people, we think only about ourselves. Relationships based on this selfishness will not be strong, they will lack true love - sacrificial love. But when you appreciate with your heart and mind the feelings of another person for you and are able to love him because he loves you, then you will have real, great love, which will allow you to create strong and lasting relationships. Isn't this happiness, friends?
I sincerely wish you just such a relationship, based on pure and bright love, but not without natural flaws! I understand that these relationships will never be perfect, because both men and women, as was already said at the very beginning of this article, are different. Each person has his own shortcomings, which will inevitably determine his attitude towards other people. And in each specific case, the relationship between a man and a woman will have its own characteristics. However, by adhering to the advice I have given you in this article, you, dear readers, will be able to avoid many unnecessary mistakes, neither for you nor for your relationship, because of which these relationships may suffer. A man and a woman are different parts of a single whole. And when they live together, they should complement each other, not fight each other for dominance, for the opportunity to ride on the other’s neck, but rather complement each other, when one puts one thing into the relationship, and the other another. Then such relationships will be strong and durable.
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Relationships between a man and a woman
The relationship between a man and a woman has been and will be one of the most important topics in this life. It is so arranged by nature that men cannot live without women, and women cannot live without men. But despite the importance of these relationships, for some reason we are not taught how to build them correctly. This topic is not seriously considered either at school or in other educational institutions. It seems to be of secondary importance for most people. However, because of this lack of seriousness towards this topic, it is sometimes very difficult for both men and women to build good, long-term, mutually beneficial relationships with each other. What can I say, about eighty percent of all problems with which people turn to me for help are related specifically to the relationship between a man and a woman. This is not little, you will agree. Therefore, let's thoroughly understand this topic.
To begin with, let's think about it - where, how and from whom do we learn to build relationships with the opposite sex and with people in general? We learn this from the people around us, mainly from our parents, or from those who replace them. It is these people, by their example, who teach us how to treat other people, how to behave correctly with them, how to solve problems that arise in relationships with them. Roughly speaking, if your parents set a bad example for you - they constantly quarrel with each other, engage in assault against each other, then most likely you will not have to expect good manners from you. It is also clear that we, again, learn about men and women from the people around us, both from their words and from their own example. If from childhood we are surrounded by alcoholic men, as well as women of easy virtue, without self-esteem, then it will seem to us that all men are drunks, and all women are easily accessible and can be treated like a thing. Bad examples are generally contagious, and when they still have no alternative, in the form of other, more correct and worthy examples, then a person begins to consider these bad examples as exemplary and the only true ones.
In connection with the above, we conclude that without a correct understanding of people, it is impossible to build at least some competent relationships with them. Men are different and women are different, and when it comes to relationships between them, we must understand that there is no single correct model of behavior with different people. Each person needs his own approach, no matter whether we are talking about a man or a woman. All people have their own characteristics that must be taken into account when building relationships with them. Let's say you are a woman, and you know about men only what you were able to learn about them through communication with some of them, that is, thanks to your experience of communicating with those men who surrounded and are surrounding you. And suppose that you were surrounded by not the best men - liars, tyrants, degenerates. How will you build your relationships with future men? You will see in every man a liar, a tyrant, a degenerate, that is, someone you have an idea about. This means that you will treat all men as liars, tyrants and degenerates. With a high degree of probability this will be exactly the case. That is, your past experience of communicating with men will make itself felt. How will men react to this? It's clear that it's not very good. And normal men will completely bypass you, because they have absolutely no use for such an attitude towards themselves, they do not want their beloved woman to see them as a liar, a tyrant and a degenerate, and treat them accordingly. This is why many men prefer to build serious relationships with decent women from good families; they do not want to have problems with inadequate women who have mental disorders due to a negative past. And women are often drawn to men whom they know about and whom they understand, even if they are not the best men. Let's say, if a woman's father was an alcoholic, then there is a high probability that her husband will also be an alcoholic. With men, who know about women exactly as much as they know about them thanks to their life experience, things are the same. They are also drawn to those they understand.
So, from the above it follows that if you want to have the best relationships with the opposite sex, rethink your life experience. If you are a woman, find out what men are like in this life, what their characteristics are, what their behavior is, how certain men treat women and what kind of attitude they expect towards themselves. If you are a man, find out the same about women. You must know what kind of people there are in this world, not only through your life experience, which is not rich enough to teach you everything you need to know about people, but also through knowledge about them. And if you treat all men or all women with the same brush, then your relationships with them will be monotonous. Know how to distinguish people from each other and learn to adapt to the best of them if you are interested in normal relationships with normal people.
In general, of course, the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is not a simple thing, so its analysis can be reduced to a few simple rules of behavior with the opposite sex, which should be followed when building these relationships. People who are too different in character and temperament can get along with each other, or try to get along, so that all the subtleties of their relationship can be foreseen and they can be given universal advice for all occasions. But it is always necessary to take into account the most important points in such relationships. Let's see what these moments are.
Or maybe to each his own?
There is a general opinion that exclusively all representatives of the fair sex, from a young girl to a woman of Balzac’s age, dream of lasting romance in relationships, of unfading bouquets, of round-the-clock attention from men to their person, of tenderness, crystal-clear love, swan fidelity, etc. like .
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The list can be endless. It all depends on the imagination of women. And if one of them’s imagination ends with just a couple of the listed “dreams” and she already considers just such a relationship to be impeccable, what then? What about the generally accepted set for a happy life, starting from the first bouquet and invitation to the cinema and ending with the long-awaited wedding?
It’s just that, in fact, it doesn’t matter to anyone whether they had a candy-bouquet period or not, whether their relationship will end in marriage or whether everything will be built on mutual trust. A specific person has his own concepts of “ideality” in life , so to each his own. What can I say, even among men and women there are a lot of people who have their own unique ideas about the ideal.
For example, the average couple tries to build their relationship as dictated by the principles of morality, as advised by loved ones, and, ultimately, as laid down by family traditions. And if a family from time immemorial has practiced reverence for men, expressed in unquestioning “service and obedience,” then it is unlikely that a girl from such a family will be able to make cardinal and fateful changes in her life. As a result, she will wait for her man to decide everything for her and she will consider such a relationship to be ideal.
Some people love frequent declarations of love and an endless stream of tenderness, while for others, on the contrary, such “calf” affection begins to make their stomach ache. Here is another confirmation that there simply cannot be equally good relationships for everyone.
Sign 4. Increased energy
A person with positive, strong energy will help improve your mood with every meeting or call. Your eyes light up, you smile, you are happy to do some things together. The negativity goes away on its own. If everything happens exactly the opposite, this relationship is toxic for you , and the sooner you get rid of it, the better.
Despondency, dissatisfaction, depression, constant understatement in communication - it’s worth thinking about the need for such relationships
Sex
Well, what can I say - sex is sex, without it it is difficult to imagine a full-fledged relationship between a man and a woman, unless we are talking about friendly relationships that do not involve developing into a more serious relationship. But friendship between a man and a woman, you know, is a rare phenomenon in life, and not because this friendship itself is somehow wrong, but because people of different sexes are not always perfect for such friendship. So whatever you say, sex is our everything! Therefore, there should not be a shortage of sex; one of the basic human needs must be satisfied constantly. And this need must be satisfied beautifully, efficiently, and interestingly. But I don’t recommend doing any stupid things. There are women who blackmail their husbands with sex. These, friends, are very stupid women who themselves do not understand what they are doing. With these rash actions they destroy the foundation of family relationships - undermining self-confidence, showing disrespect for a man for whom a woman’s refusal to have sex is a great insult, and sowing hostility in their own home. No blackmail, be it sex or divorce, is acceptable for a normal relationship! If you don't want to live in a constant state of war with your partner, eliminate all blackmail from your life. Otherwise, do not rely on an unhappy fate when you find yourself at the “broken trough” to which you will lead yourself. Normal, regular sexual relations between a man and a woman are a prerequisite for a normal and lasting relationship between them. There is no need to idealize sex, as people with sexual disorders do; sex is not the main thing, it is one of the main conditions for normal relationships. Therefore, take into account each other’s desires to the extent you can, and try to satisfy them in a timely manner. No matter what anyone says, in most cases, problems with sex inevitably turn into problems in the relationship between a man and a woman, no matter how developed and advanced people they are. Consider this fact in your life.
Uncontrolled processes
In absolutely every respect one can observe wonderful and sometimes inexplicable, strange phenomena. It is very difficult to understand, so these mysterious things make us wonder. Sometimes, looking at a couple, you involuntarily catch yourself thinking: “How can these people be together, because they are completely different and do not suit each other?”
Contrary to public opinion, they continue to live together and enjoy each other's company. Yes, this is love . There is such a thing as energy. If people’s energies coincide, then it’s unlikely that anything can separate them, because they feel good together.
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Usually the energies coincide when lovers physically enjoy being together, when there are common topics for conversation. This rarely happens, but one coincidence is enough to create a marriage.
Scandals
Scandals must be avoided at all costs! And to do this, you need to stop enjoying them. What, you want to say that you don’t get any pleasure from scandals, that they happen on their own, due to various objective reasons? Don't deceive yourself, and especially not me. I am an experienced person, I know that a scandal requires not a reason, but a reason. It’s just that some people do not always realize that they themselves provoke quarrels and scandals in relationships because they want them to happen, because thanks to these scandals and quarrels, people feed on negative energy and throw out the aggression that overwhelms them on their partner, instead of pacifying it . People who are not burdened with moral and cultural education, as well as intellectual development, need to express aggression. Man is an aggressive creature, so if he is, let’s say, not entirely reasonable, not intelligent enough, he needs to vent his aggression somewhere, somehow. Let's assume that you are one of these people and it is difficult for you to catch up, it is difficult for you to become less aggressive and more patient with other people. So be it, it’s not a problem, to hell with this upbringing and intelligence - at least try not to throw out your aggression on those people who are truly dear to you. And as I understand it, your beloved man or your beloved woman is still a person dear to you, who clearly does not deserve to be growled at him or her. Close people should become saints for you! There is no need to make scandals with those with whom you are in the same boat. There are such absurd situations in which people argue with each other for no reason, and having understood these situations a little, you understand that the problem is not worth a damn, and there is so much anger, so much hatred, so many negative emotions and aggression around it, as if it were about the opposition of the worst enemies to each other, and not about people who should actually love each other. In general, dear readers, please note that it is not problems in relationships that provoke scandals, but scandals that create problems in relationships between a man and a woman. As soon as you begin to approach the issue of scandals from this position, and not from the position of who is right and who is wrong, you will reduce their number in your life many times over. But don’t forget that scandals cannot be completely avoided, so don’t strive for a non-existent ideal. A pinch of pepper should be present in any relationship - it gives them flavor.
The needs of a man and a woman in a relationship
Both men and women need to understand each other’s needs and strive to satisfy them. A woman should understand what a man needs and try to give it to him, and a man should try to satisfy the woman’s needs. In some cases this is not easy to do, but it is necessary to strive for it. That is, this should not happen when everyone owes each other and no one owes anything to anyone, when everyone lives for themselves and does not think about their partner. And even more so, it shouldn’t happen when a man and a woman try to impose a lot of obligations on each other and insist on fulfilling them. If a man and a woman decide to parasitize each other, they will not be able to have any normal relationship. But there will be plenty of scandals, quarrels and mutual accusations. So you shouldn’t even try to build something with this approach to relationships. You either change and stop being selfish, selfish, or be content with those relationships in which you simply cannot live comfortably. So, take a close look at your partner's goals and desires to understand what he or she wants from you and what you should expect from him or her. It is quite possible that in addition to basic needs, your man or your woman needs a lot more from you. And think carefully about your goals and desires so as not to demand too much from your partner, but try to get from him only what you really need. Now I’m not talking about the desires and dreams of a man and a woman, which we need to try to satisfy, because people have an infinite number of desires, and it is impossible to satisfy them all. But be sure to think about each other’s normal, natural needs - think about how to satisfy them. Let not all your expectations from the relationship be met, but if you are a smart person - a smart woman or a smart man, you will not make excessive demands on your partner. But I repeat once again - the minimum needs of people must be satisfied! Otherwise, there is little point in having a serious relationship. A serious relationship is a responsibility, and not everyone is ready to take on it. And if people do not want to take responsibility for each other and do not plan to do something for each other, then their relationships will be fragile, unstable, and generally meaningless. Why build a relationship with a person if you are not going to do anything for him, and if you expect from him what he or she cannot give you? In this case, you can do without a serious relationship. To satisfy the same need for sex, a relationship is, in principle, optional. Well, as for other needs, to satisfy which men and women build relationships with each other, they will be discussed below.
Are joint goals an illusion or a way to strengthen relationships?
People who are even slightly interested in the psychology of relationships in couples have already repeatedly come across tons of advice on how to strengthen their relationships. And among these tons of advice, the recommendation to have common interests and common goals ranks high. This is, in general, correct, but a thoughtful reader and attentive observer still gets a feeling of either understatement or inconsistency. Why is that? Yes, because the concept of “joint goals” is much broader than advice to start learning English together or going to dances. In this article we will try to consider this issue as objectively as possible. Read more…
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