Partnerships are something that many people dream about, but almost no one has ever seen, says family psychologist and psychoanalyst Irina Kamaeva. Let's figure out what a partnership is, what skills you need to have, what ways to know in order to be in this relationship. And is it worth striving for them?
We propose to consider various models of partnerships. So let's take a very simple continuum from to to to. On this continuum, on the one hand, we place the attitude towards a marriage or business partner as a means. And at the opposite end, accordingly, is the attitude towards the partner as a value. Let's consider all types of alliances sequentially: dominance, manipulation, rivalry, partnership and commonwealth.
Domination
In this union, the attitude towards the partner as a subject prevails. Such relationships are based on the dominance of one of the couple.
Dominance is the attitude towards a partner as a thing, a part of oneself, something that does not have independent thinking, its own feelings, its own goals and achievements.
Unfortunately, a huge number of parents treat their children this way. Precisely as a part of themselves, that “piece” that will realize their goals, objectives, expectations, fantasies. It's the same in marriage.
In such unions it is often found:
- domestic violence,
- psychological abuse,
- hyperdominance,
- merger,
- codependency.
The desire to possess, control, decide for..., gain unlimited power, control is completely typical for partners.
People who are prone to dominance are absolutely stereotypical in their ideas about marriage. You can often hear phrases from them: “A man is a man, but a woman is no one,” “eggs don’t teach a hen,” “children have no right to...” and so on. Everything stereotypical is appropriate here: a woman should bake pies, greet her husband with a smile, dress up the children for his arrival. And imposition, suggestion, domination, punishment without any rewards, up to and including the use of gross coercion, is a common story in such families.
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Partnership Agreement
Organizing partnerships requires careful consideration of all details. To avoid fatal mistakes, you need to know the main components of the agreement that is concluded between the allies.
The contract must define the decision-making process, as well as the control that will be exercised by both parties. The areas of competence of the partners, their powers and the features of reaching agreements on controversial issues are established. The issue of division of responsibility is discussed.
Next, it is stipulated how the property will be divided, the profit that will appear during joint activities. The contribution of each party to the common cause is also assessed. There are usually no problems with financial investments. However, when contributing your share of property and intellectual property, an adequate assessment of such resources is required.
The procedure for resolving conflicts, as well as the procedure for exiting the partnership, is stipulated.
Manipulation
The second format of relationships in a couple is associated with manipulation. At the same time, the attitude towards the partner remains the same, but is hidden behind a mask. If during dominance the influence is open, then during manipulation it is hidden. One of the partners does not take into account the interests of the other, but if during dominance he directly demonstrates this, then during manipulation he hides his true intentions.
When a psychologist has to tell a client that a partner dominates, but hides it, the person cannot believe it. Manipulations can be quite thoughtful and sophisticated. More complex moves, communication techniques, and negotiation options are used here than with dominance. But in both the first and second options, a person wants only one thing - to achieve his goals, to take into account only his interests.
Family models
Modern women of the post-Soviet world have seen only the traditional family model of their parents: both spouses work, in the evening dad lies down on the sofa with a newspaper, and mom collapses from fatigue, but heroically begins to work around the house “on the second shift.” And they call this LOVE, and at the same time they are surprised: “Is a partnership a family?” What then is family? Put up with an infantile quitter? Carrying the entire household on yourself? To be like many wives - “me and the horse, me and the bull, me and the woman and the man”? Well, you can accept it and drag it out. Or you can approach the matter differently and ask yourself the question: what is a truly happy family? How can I be happy?
Let's look at three examples of successful marriages
Think about which of these models is closer to you? What kind of relationship with your spouse would you like to be in?
✔ FIRST PAIR. They got married when they had practically nothing but youth. Their parents lived a long life together, knowing that marriage is for life: the husband works, the wife does more housework. And the young couple accepted their parents’ behavior model as the only correct one. They may not have caught the stars from the sky, but they lived quietly, peacefully, happily. This is a traditional family model.
✔ THE SECOND COUPLE decided to fairly divide everything in half. Both work, both do everything together. Today one cooks, tomorrow another. Cleaning? Together. Utility payments are 50/50. If a wife needs a fur coat, she earns for it herself, just like a husband does for the car of his dreams, because there is no common wallet, everyone has their own budget. This is a partnership marriage.
✔ THE THIRD COUPLE grew up in a different environment. For a wife, the most important thing is the good of her husband. His desires are in the foreground. He reciprocates his feelings by taking responsibility for providing for the family. The man works, the woman builds a nest, completely trusting him and obeying him unquestioningly. This is an eastern model.
Rivalry
The favorite, adored format of relationships in marriages (and one that is almost never realized) is rivalry. It can manifest itself in anything: in the struggle for power, for who controls and manipulates better, who is more valuable, who needs whom more.
The main game of this not very free relationship is competition.
The interests of the partner are taken into account only in the format or to the extent that the other needs. For example, “I will take into account your interests, but only as long as they do not interfere with mine. If they attack, we will fight, and if they do not contradict each other, we live peacefully and coexist well.”
The question is that in a lot of areas and in a lot of daily moments, the interests of partners may not align. Each of the fragments can be discussed separately for hours to figure out what it is. In rivalry, there are also a lot of subtle manipulations, there are also rough ones, but the most important thing is that there is constant competition between partners.
All of these dysfunctional relationships are quite strong and stable. Perhaps this stability is not needed, but it is there.
Make your choice
In order to understand which marriage model is right for you, ask yourself the main question: why do I need a family?
• Is the purpose of creating a family to have and raise children?
• Why do I need a husband if there are no children in the marriage?
• Why do I need a husband/partner in principle?
If you believe that the meaning of family is procreation, the purpose of your marriage is children, and the husband’s task is to provide for the family “on the work front” while you create a quiet, cozy rear, then you will most likely be comfortable in a traditional or eastern marriage .
And if your goal is a happy life with the person you have chosen, you just want to be together, if equality of partners is a guarantee of self-respect for you, and children are a possible increase in happiness, but not an absolute goal, then a partnership marriage will be optimal for you.
Which type of marriage is better? What is more comfortable – sneakers or a raincoat? T-shirt or jacket? These are incomparable things. Each couple has their own choice, their own “good” and “happy”. The most important thing is to remember that you will only have to live in one family model. It is not possible to take the pros of all types of marriages and combine them together, removing the cons. This is the harsh truth of life.
Partnership
What we all want to know about is partnerships. The ones people always ask about: what is it? The main features of partnerships: both partners are equal, each has their own interests, goals and objectives. Moreover, they can be different or the same. There is a desire to always negotiate and re-negotiate.
To create partnerships, it is important to practice individual skills. You need to devote time to this, because this is a negotiated, actual relationship. When discussing each new task in marriage, in the family you need to be able to negotiate, clarify your own interests, the interests of your partner and your common interests, understand where they differ, and, taking all this into account, build relationships.
Partnership is a good format of relationship. What's so difficult about this? The fact that we have minimal negotiation skills, and even fewer negotiation skills in the family. Even if you have negotiation skills outside of your family, you almost never use them in relationships.
Because it is common to think that when we love each other, we must, without agreeing, understand each other’s feelings.
It is not customary in our families, in our culture, to negotiate in marriages. Even when you explain the rules of agreements to a person, he will immediately ask: “What about love?” For some reason, agreement is opposed to love for us.
The main ways of interaction in partnerships are negotiations, finding common ground and changing agreements as necessary.
Freedom and harmony
The relationship between a man and a woman is a purely personal matter. Those. the communication model is adjusted only by the couple themselves and over time it, of course, can be modified and adjusted. A couple can adhere to family canons and more conservative views (sex only after marriage, a man is a breadwinner, a woman is a keeper of the hearth, etc.), but they can also throw away these old stereotypes and how it “should be” and live in their own way. pleasure.
Generally speaking, partnerships are any kind of relationship, but the main priority here is equality, i.e. complete absence of hierarchy, subordination or double standards. The main tool for resolving issues is the ability to negotiate, talk about the things you want to get, but also take into account the desires of your partner.
Commonwealth
An ideal and complex, but nevertheless the best format of relations is called the commonwealth. The Commonwealth is higher and more complex than a partnership. There is an interesting point in it. Marriages based on the commonwealth are early marriages, youth marriages, I call them child marriages. When you get married at 18–20 years old - you are students, you can be poor, happy, in love. You have quite a few resources, but the sooner you will join the community. The value of each other at this time is isolated from all everyday, material and any life-task problems, but as soon as they come, the commonwealth collapses.
Late marriages or not first marriages are characterized by the fact that we never enter into a community. We are those people who have experience behind us, including negative agreements and renegotiations and marriages. There are accumulated resources, many life goals and material things. It is ideal in such marriages to someday come to a commonwealth.
Commonwealth is an attitude towards another as an intrinsic value, a free personality and the desire not to reach an agreement, but to coexist, choosing common tasks in life.
The community includes adult, reasonable, rational, mature relationships. Partners come to them, knowing how to negotiate, and then gradually (in life this doesn’t happen right away, only among young, poor, hungry lovers) they identify common goals, tasks and experiences, then joint friends appear. Close or coinciding goals, built gradually in life, understanding each other, agreement with each other (since we have common goals, we agree not on trifles, but on the most important) - this is the basis of community.
Many of us don't even realize that there is something better than partnerships. The Commonwealth is the best option for partnership and interaction between two people in close relationships - in business, in friendship, in marriage, with children, especially with adult children. This is the option you should strive for.
Two business meanings of the term "partner"
The word “partner” itself translates as “participant”, coming from a French root that denotes a reliable, proven, experienced card game friend who you can always rely on.
What deductions can be used when working with partners from the EAEU country ?
In business, the term “ partner ” is used in two main meanings:
- co-organizer of any form of ownership for running a business, when the business is officially registered in the name of several persons, legal entities or individuals;
- legal entities that formally cooperate, although this is not stated in their charter documents.
Close to the meaning of partnership, the term “ counterparty ” designates one of the parties to a contractual relationship, which is also a form of cooperation.
Question: Is it possible to take into account for income tax purposes the costs of visa support, travel and accommodation for business partners who arrived for an official meeting (clause 22, clause 1 and clause 2 of Article 264 of the Tax Code of the Russian Federation)? View answer
