Shyness: why and how does it prevent a person from being himself?

Shyness is a periodic mental state caused by a combination of external factors and internal self-awareness, manifested by behavioral reactions and characteristic of both humans and animals. Shyness includes a whole set of traits that together form this character trait. These include tension, fearfulness, uncertainty due to a lack of social and communication skills, and a certain degree of awkwardness during social interaction.

The reasons for shyness always lie in the desire to hide one's true personality due to fear of interaction, so a person is quite careful in his statements and manifestations. Because of this style of behavior, shyness is often mistaken for internal modesty, sophistication, restraint, and secular manners, but at the same time it is not an external reflection of the presence of these qualities, it is just a mask that looks like that.

There are several categories of manifestation of shyness: external (when a person is afraid to appear in society, attaches overvalued importance to public opinion, subordinates his own thoughts and actions to the assessments of others and is afraid of their condemnation) and internal (when a person is embarrassed in front of himself, the prerequisites for which are too strong feelings of shame, low self-esteem, lack of adequate self-perception and skills to cope with psychological problems).

Shyness is formed during personality development at the earliest stages. This can be served by the examples of parents and copying the model of interaction with the world and reactions to it. Another point that shapes these reactions is the process of socialization, which was traumatic or impoverished, which resulted in a lack of formation of the necessary social skills.

In addition to external ones, there are also internal reasons for shyness. Psychological factors include serious intrapersonal conflict that occurs at subconscious levels. An internal emotional storm arises, often caused by conflicting reactions or desires that are suppressed or the entire conflict is suppressed. At the same time, a person consciously chooses to follow the rules of society, which drown out his own needs - the level of tension grows, it becomes increasingly difficult to find contact with society. The shyness caused by such experiences is comparable to a sealed steam boiler, which explodes after a certain pressure point. At the same time, the person is unlikely to be perceived as shy, and this will shock those around him.

Shyness is also caused by a disturbance in the metabolism of neurotransmitters in the brain and serves as a symptom of certain psychological pathologies. This condition is associated with weakness of the nervous system, hyperthymic accentuations of the personality. When shyness is due to physiological indicators, drug therapy is usually required. If the condition is constantly expressed, and not situational shyness, psychotherapy is recommended.

How to get rid of shyness

If shyness is justified by psychological factors, then the first way to solve this problem is to become aware of its presence and one’s own influence on the emergence and development of this situation.

Shyness is a character trait that is not something immutable and constant, like temperament and the strength of the nervous system - it is a special response model, a habit that has become comfortable, a certain style of thinking. Just as a person reinforces the development of a response mode, he can reduce its impact. To reduce the number of such manifestations, you will have to remember at what point the decision was made about the benefits of this method of response. Most likely, this was a justified situation in childhood, when only such a reaction could be successful, but now the person has become more mature and different situations occur, accordingly new methods are needed.

How to get rid of shyness? To understand what is happening to you at the moment of embarrassment, you need to listen to yourself very delicately. Note what other feelings arise at this moment, what happens to the physical sensation (tension or tremors may appear), how quickly this feeling develops and in what situations. Perhaps, with this detailed analysis, you will have childhood memories of some situations, people, phrases, characteristics in your direction. All this needs to be noted so that you can change it later.

Next, in order to change your own reactions, you need to change at least one of the components of your habitual response. That is, if in a familiar situation, when you begin to feel shy, your breathing quickens, then you can make a conscious effort to breathe as slowly and deeply as possible. If an unpleasant feeling appears in the chest area, you can mentally move it to your hands and shake it off. When critical voices come to mind, imagine what the cartoon voices said. The more things you can consciously change, the more different your final response will be.

In addition to working in the immediate situation, it is necessary to work with internal beliefs regarding self-perception and internal sensation of the situation. This even works when asking how to overcome a child’s shyness.

You can increase your self-esteem through sports and changing your image, you can enroll in a studio of like-minded people or ask specialists to highlight your strengths and attractive features. The more you develop, both physically and mentally, the higher your positive self-perception.

It is also important what kind of people you surround yourself with: the fewer reproaching and humiliating individuals, the less reason you have to constantly hang your head in embarrassment

You can search in your coordinates for an image of a person or hero whom you would like to emulate. On the one hand, this will help to develop tactics for achievement, to learn what this person can do. On the other hand, it is useful to analyze where you got this particular reference image from and check how much it is yours, since external ideals are often instilled in us in childhood, and they have nothing to do with the personality we have at the moment.

When the example is truly chosen by you and corresponds to a valid value and semantic system, try to live a day like this person. You don't have to do much, just play the role, try on the character and feel what it's like to be in that role. You may feel that you were more comfortable in your previous life, and you may feel how easy it is to show confidence and express yourself.

Be prepared for the changes to take a long time. It is impossible to be shy for twenty years, and after one exercise show super-leadership qualities. This will be daily painstaking work, not only directly with the sensations at the moment of constraint, but also with the global experience of life and oneself in it.

Does shyness interfere with life?

Do you need to fight your shyness? How difficult does this character trait make life? Clinical psychologists believe that moderate shyness is common to many people and is most often not a serious problem. If this personality trait does not interfere with normal communication with others, then there is no reason to worry.

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For example, a moderately shy person may experience slight anxiety and shyness before public speaking. But he is able to independently overcome his fear, pull himself together and make a report or presentation. This is a variant of the norm. Psychologists note that shy people, oddly enough, are quite common among representatives of public professions.

However, excessive shyness can significantly complicate life. In psychology, this condition is called “social anxiety” or “social phobia.” Painfully shy people avoid many things they need to do. They experience enormous difficulties when communicating, and are constantly afraid of condemnation or negative evaluation from others. An overly shy person may even feel physically ill due to fear of contact with other people.

In this case, a person needs the help of a professional psychologist. After all, social anxiety can and should be fought.

How to stop being shy about people

The question of how to stop being shy about people is relevant for many. Using certain methods, it is quite possible to become a confident person. Having gotten rid of complexes, a person expands his social circle. This makes life more interesting. Psychologists advise: to get rid of shyness, you need to smile at least 20 times on the street, looking into the eyes of strangers.

At school, university or at work

Shy children usually do poorly in school. Moreover, if they manage to enter higher education, the problems continue. And in the future, it is always difficult for shy people to move up the career ladder

Therefore, it is important to stop being shy about people. This will allow you to tune in to the positive and receive a piece of the necessary energy from the world around you.

For this, parental help is important in childhood. Under no circumstances should you scold a child when he gets bad grades and is embarrassed to answer near the board. You need to seek help from a psychologist. He will recommend effective methods, taking into account the individual characteristics of the student.

If difficulties in studying arise against the background of shyness at university, then it is recommended to work on yourself. It is necessary to develop certain models of behavior that increase attractiveness in student society. This means you need to constantly improve. This will allow you to become more confident in life, and therefore stop being shy.

When starting a new job, many people feel shy. But, as a rule, it disappears after meeting a new team

It is important from the first days to express a desire to take on complex types of work. This will allow you to assert yourself in the team and stop being shy about your colleagues

In a new team, company

To feel comfortable in a new team, it is recommended to remain yourself. You shouldn't adapt to anyone. There will definitely be several people in the team with whom it will be interesting to communicate without changing their own worldview. This approach completely eliminates the occurrence of discomfort caused by shyness.

It is very important in the new team that they are not afraid to express their own opinions on certain issues. At the same time, the conversation must be skillfully maintained, without being afraid to switch from topic to topic

When addressing your interlocutor, you need to pronounce phrases clearly, loudly, looking into their eyes. This allows you to establish friendly contact, which eliminates the development of shyness.

When to make a new acquaintance

You should never be afraid of meeting new people. Thanks to communicating with new people, you can relax and, therefore, get rid of shyness.

It is necessary to make new acquaintances when there is a feeling that life is filled with routine and boredom. This condition is very dangerous for any person, as it is a factor that provokes the development of shyness. By communicating with new people, you can develop communication skills, which will allow you to feel comfortable in various life situations.

Mental reaction

Shyness is a psychological state of a person that prevents him from fully functioning in society.

Manifests itself in the following forms:

1. External. Embarrassment is determined by a person’s visible nervous state: trembling in the voice, hands and change in complexion.
2. Internal. Outwardly, the person appears calm, but will still experience great anxiety.

Shyness acts as a defense mechanism of the psyche. Appears when interacting with people and performing tasks that are assessed by strangers. This state can be determined by self-doubt and excessive isolation.

The manifestation of shyness is observed in all people in a mild form when meeting a new person, introverts are especially susceptible to it. A deeper degree of the condition is dangerous when it prevents you from interacting with people around you and achieving your goals. If a pathology is detected, you should seek help from a specialist.

How to deal with shyness?

1. Anti-shyness pills: Scientists are trying to invent anti-shyness pills based on oxytocin (the cuddle hormone). The medicine is believed to relieve people of shyness. Today, unfortunately, there are no pills that would help solve this problem. Sometimes doctors can prescribe some medications that will help cope with anxiety, but the effect of such pills is temporary and they cannot cure.
2. How to stop being shy and blushing: to stop being shy, you need to work a lot on yourself. First of all, you need to communicate more with people, “step over” yourself, and do what is usually not typical. You need to understand that all people are the same, everyone has their own fears and complexes, just not everyone shows them. With redness, things are more complicated. After all, this is an involuntary reaction of the body. You shouldn’t get hung up on this if you feel like you’re blushing; under no circumstances should you stop talking and fall silent. It would be best to translate everything into a joke: “Oh, I’m blushing, it’s a little hot here.”
3. How to become sociable and not shy: Constant practice in communicating with people is the best medicine. Yes, it may be difficult at first, but, as they say, everything comes with experience. It is worth starting with those people with whom it is easiest to communicate, with whom you feel the least discomfort. You need to express your point of view, try not to remain silent. There is no need to be afraid to say something unnecessary, because even if this happens, you should remember that it happens to everyone and there is nothing shameful in it.
   You can start with the topics you are best at. Then the feeling of seeming stupid will disappear, because you are an ace in this field.

How to overcome shyness? Psychologist's advice:

Psychotherapy

One effective method of combating shyness is cognitive behavioral therapy. With its help, you can change your thoughts and behavior patterns.

Psychotherapeutic work with the patient is carried out in 2 stages:

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1. Cognitive therapy. The psychologist recommends that a person analyze the anxious thoughts that appear before communicating with people or public speaking. Usually all the patient’s fears turn out to be excessive and far-fetched. A shy person is taught to change anxious expectations into more positive thoughts.
2. Behavioral therapy. The psychologist invites the patient to rehearse the upcoming communication or speech. At the same time, it is very important to teach a person to fix his attention not on himself, but on others. After all, focusing on your feelings increases timidity and fear.

Quite often, shyness is associated with excessive demands on oneself. A person strives to be perfect during public speaking and communicating with others. This creates high anxiety. The psychologist’s task is to remove the patient’s unreasonable fear of failure.

How to overcome shyness: start thinking positively

It is important to realize that shyness is a common feeling that has no serious basis. Most often, a certain chain of thoughts arises in the style: “I’m awkward, I’ll look funny, awkward, I’ll worry, I won’t be able to communicate properly, they’ll think something unflattering about me.”

It is important to be able to track such conclusions and reformulate them in your mind in a positive way, but without the “not” particle. They should sound in an affirmative form: “I will look confident”, “I will be able to answer all questions”, “I will make a good impression”, etc. A positive attitude will definitely launch a program of confident behavior!

Realize the reason for your shyness. Why do you feel insecure? In what situations do you feel the most embarrassed? How does this manifest itself? Are you blushing? Are your fingers shaking? Do you hide your gaze from others? Do you want to fall through the ground? Be sure to track your feelings that arise when you feel constrained. Once you identify the cause of your insecurity, deep inner work awaits. For example, you realized that this feeling arose in childhood during the process of upbringing. Now it is important to free yourself from those negative attitudes, assessments and criticism that were received at that early time. To do this, accept the position of an adult, self-sufficient person. You are no longer a dependent child who relies on the opinion of your parents in everything. You are a free person, and only those principles and attitudes that are convenient and valuable only for you should remain in your consciousness.

It is also necessary to work with other reasons at the level of feelings and attitudes, without deceiving yourself, but accepting all your weaknesses as they are. In some situations, you may need the help of a psychologist, which you certainly shouldn’t be embarrassed to seek.

Consequences

Shyness can harm a person and deprive him of many opportunities in life.

Consequences include:

• increased fear of the opposite sex;
• there is no opportunity to make new acquaintances;
• lack of career growth;
• hiding creative abilities in front of the public;
• distortion of adequate reactions to events;
• the appearance of depression.

In society, shy people are unlikely to achieve success. They fear and worship people who are authoritative for them. They can only play the role of subordinates, where they are under the constant control of their superior.

When shy, a person tends to be closed. This prevents him from expressing himself; emotions cannot come out. There is a fear of speaking in front of an audience and demonstrating one's talents.

Explore the reasons why you are shy

Thinking about the root of your shyness can help you realize and accept who you truly are. For example, if you know of a traumatic event that has made you feel self-conscious, it may be time to get help dealing with those circumstances and memories. Once you learn to process what happened in the past, you will be able to move on with your life and overcome your feelings of shyness.

If you think this is due to your upbringing, consider your current relationship with your parents. Are they still bossy? Or are they embarrassed themselves?

Another thing that may have happened in your childhood that affects you as an adult is being what other people call shy. Often people are shy when they are little, but then they outgrow it. Unfortunately, some people become attached to this label and continue to relate to others they perceive as “shy” through childhood habits, even after their personality has outgrown shyness.

Causes of shyness and timidity

Stiffness can arise for any reason, but to solve the problem you need to find out its cause.

It lies in dissatisfaction with oneself (body, earnings, mind, etc.). Ashamed of ourselves, we are afraid to show our shortcomings to colleagues, a random passerby, or a person we like. This can lead to more absurd situations, which can lead to increased feelings of shyness.

In addition, the reason for embarrassment may lie in distrust of the environment . It may seem to you that any error will be noticed and simply not left; that you will regret every mistake.

My words are easy to verify; you just need to observe yourself in moments of stiffness and embarrassment. What makes you feel this feeling? That YOU will/have made any mistake? The fact that YOU look/may look funny in the eyes of others? That's it.

How do the lives of people who overcome inhibition change?

• Life
  As we have seen, there are quite a few simple everyday situations in which a shy person feels insecure. Starting from calling the clinic receptionist (delaying a trip to the doctor can affect your health), ending with the inability to ask for directions (getting lost and looking for a way in an unfamiliar place is not the best choice for leisure time!). Saying goodbye to such difficulties and deciding how to overcome shyness means really changing your quality of life!

Relationship.

Problems with shyness in relationships are, of course, central. The inability not only to tell a nice person that you like him, but also to communicate with him in principle is bitter! We need to start taking steps, we need to start warm relationships, we need to look for friends. If only because friends, family and loved ones are the basis of our lives. And shyness destroys this foundation. A person who has overcome himself and realized how to get rid of shyness will be able to build new relationships, will be able to say if something does not suit him, and will be able to plan a life together.

Dreams.

Shyness is uncertainty, and uncertainty is dislike for yourself. A person who considers himself unworthy of various benefits, who has not decided how to deal with shyness, can he allow himself to dream? Of course not. Your childhood dreams are deflated as social failures occur. You gradually convince yourself that you won’t succeed, but your stiffness prevents you from diving back onto the path of success. Maybe you sing great, but... stage fright. You play volleyball great, but you are afraid to approach the group playing... You write poems perfectly, but they do not leave your table. Letting go of yourself means letting go of your dreams. A person free from shyness achieves more. Because his horizons are expanding, and he really can do anything!

Career.

A career, akin to dreams, of course, goes up. You stop enjoying a small office that no one comes into, where you do things that are invisible to others. You want to realize yourself. You want to emerge from behind the office fence and start doing what you are truly meant to do in life. Write. Photograph. Maybe even manage people.

This is the difference, “to have or not to have” – it’s up to you to decide. Remember that every day you are moving either towards total modesty, which destroys your life, or towards a happy open existence.

Involvement in social situations

A painfully shy person needs to be involved in social situations. After all, communication skills need to be constantly trained and developed. However, this process must be gradual.

If contact with others causes you anxiety and stress, then start small. Try to communicate more with people you know well. After all, talking to an old friend is unlikely to cause you anxiety.

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Then you can start communicating in virtual space. Chat with classmates and classmates on social networks, join communities of interest. You will see that there is nothing wrong with contacting people. However, avoid communicating on forums where heated discussions take place. You are not yet ready to participate in disputes.

When visiting public places, say hello to cashiers, consultants, and janitors. Ask the seller to help you choose the product. Gradually you will adapt to communication and will be able to talk freely with strangers.

Take every opportunity to talk. Remember that every contact with others brings you closer to getting rid of social anxiety.

Why does shyness develop?

It is not difficult to guess that shyness has a direct connection with a person’s self-esteem, self-esteem, self-recognition and self-worth. If for some reason these moments are unstable, the person will invariably encounter timidity on his part. It can be difficult for shy people to establish themselves in a work or educational team; it is not easy for them to develop their inclinations and talents, or to assert themselves in any way. Against this background, there may be hidden personal conflicts and complexes repressed to the subconscious level. Timid people, as a rule, have a very strong voice of an internal critic who scolds, accuses, and adds even more self-doubt. In particularly critical cases, increased shyness can lead to isolation, unsociability, and separation from reality.

What can cause a person’s self-esteem to suffer? Why in some cases does it become painfully low and at the same time drag down self-worth and other important components of personality? Most often, problems with self-esteem, resulting in timidity and isolation, arise under the influence of upbringing and the influence of people from outside. If a child does not receive the necessary support from his parents, constantly faces accusations and humiliation from educators and teachers, and finds himself in situations where his achievements and successes are not valued, gradually healthy self-esteem is replaced by inadequate self-esteem. The child begins to doubt himself and his strengths more and more, gives up attempts to develop natural talents, and begins to show a tendency to self-flagellation. The problem of self-esteem is very complex, sometimes it requires work with a specialist.

Among other common reasons due to which a timid, shy character is formed, the following reasons are usually distinguished:

1. a distorted idea of ​​oneself, which can be imposed by parents or society, a person’s immediate environment;
2. a person’s clear conviction that he is naturally shy;
3. painful prejudices formed during life; Against this background, increased anxiety, a tendency to suspiciousness, passivity, causeless anxiety and various fears often develop;
4. any traumatic/painful situation that occurred in childhood, the result of which was the idea that a person does not correspond to other people’s ideas and expectations;
5. internal mental contradictions, conflicts that are not realized or not accepted;
6. a certain, not always traumatic or toxic, upbringing in a family where the child is deliberately made to be a secretive and timid person;
7. lack of developed social skills, inability to interact correctly and easily with other people and with the world in general.

It is also worth noting that some experts (psychologists, sociologists, physiologists) are of the controversial opinion that shyness is a quality that is invariably passed on from generation to generation. This trait is a kind of hereditary marker with which a person is already born. Depending on the style of upbringing and lifestyle, the conditions in which the child grows up, this trait can develop very strongly or, conversely, be suppressed over time.

From a physical health perspective, shyness may be the result of long-term or chronic exposure to harmful chemicals such as mercury. However, you need to understand that in this case there are other signs and symptoms that indicate a physiological cause.

The influence of genetics

Scientists from King's College London studied the nature of shyness. Until recently, it was believed that shyness is a feature of human temperament that is genetic. This opinion was based on a study of the characters of identical twins. Such people quite often had similar personality traits. If one of the twins was shy, then his genetically identical twin was also shy in communication.

However, it remained unclear what exactly caused this similarity. After all, shyness in identical twins could be caused not only by genetics, but also by identical upbringing conditions.

In 2006, scientists identified the gene for shyness - 5-HTT. However, it is not decisive. A person born with this gene does not necessarily become shy and timid. The conditions in which he grew up are of great importance.

Recent research by scientists from King's College London has shown that shyness is only 30% determined by genes. Character traits are largely dependent on the surrounding social environment.

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How to stop being shy when communicating with the opposite sex

Shyness at a young age is normal, there is no experience of communicating with the opposite sex yet, there is a fear of doing something wrong. But over time, most people become much more confident in themselves, while some, on the contrary, become withdrawn and begin to be even more afraid. What should you do, try to change yourself or remain scared and shy, but yourself?

Historically, there has been an opinion that shyness and modesty are good for a girl, but in practice we often see that beautiful, but too shy girls remain lonely because their merits are simply not noticeable. Well, shy men have even less chance of starting a relationship with a girl, since they are usually expected to make the first step. Therefore, we can say that shyness is definitely unnecessary when looking for a life partner.

Very often the reason for shyness is the feeling of being unattractive. Those who suffer from less than ideal appearance need to understand that people look at appearance only for the first few minutes or even seconds; then they judge a person by his behavior. And in order not to scare off the object of sympathy in the first minutes, it is enough to simply look well-groomed.

Of course, you need to try to correct your appearance with the right hairstyle, clothes and accessories. This will give additional advantages, but in no case will it be a decisive factor. The decisive factor here is your personality, try to show off what you have - intelligence, a sense of humor, kindness, an interesting increase or even sweet simplicity.

And yet, you shouldn’t think about your failures too often. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to analyze your mistakes, but there’s no need to constantly engage in self-flagellation. If the girl/guy of your dreams didn't appreciate your efforts, it might not have been a dream. There is no need to be afraid to start all over again; perhaps your destiny is also shy to approach and is waiting for the first step.

Signs

External signs of a shy person:

• never meets anyone anywhere;
• does not start a conversation first;
• when addressing him, he averts his eyes and becomes lost;
• answers questions briefly, quietly, without enthusiasm;
• shows no desire to carry on a conversation;
• avoids large crowds of people;
• refuses invitations to public events, celebrations, does not participate in corporate events;
• dresses modestly, does not stand out in the crowd, and is not interested in fashion.

Internal signs:

• dissatisfaction with oneself (behavior, thoughts, appearance);
• low self-esteem;
• increased level of anxiety;
• self-criticism;
• fixation on one’s own feelings and experiences;
• indecision;
• pathological fear of making a mistake (saying the wrong thing, sitting in the wrong place, offending someone);
• inability to say “no”;
• guilt, which gives rise to neuroses and obsessive thoughts;
• pessimism;
• logophobia.

Physiological signs (manifest at the moment when it is necessary to communicate or speak in public):

• hand tremors;
• wobbly, weak legs;
• rapid pulse, heart jumping out of the chest;
• dry mouth;
• hyperemia or, conversely, painful pallor on the face;
• increased sweating;
• tingling or numbness in the fingertips;
• labored breathing.

Naturally, physiological signs may be mild if a person knows how to control his emotions and manage his condition. He tries to suppress the mini-stress that he experiences when he is forced to communicate with someone against his will. But, if at every contact with people you barely know, your hands begin to shake, your voice trembles and your legs give way, this is already pathological shyness, caused by deep psychological trauma. Psychotherapeutic intervention is required here.

It should also be noted that such manifestations are not typical for a narrow circle of relatives and friends. For example, shy people communicate much more actively with their parents or loved one. However, even with them, they are constantly afraid of doing something wrong and limit themselves in emotions.

Is it good or bad?

Often, shyness is not a good thing. It can cause discomfort and sometimes interferes with life. After all, because of his shyness, a person does not do what he wants.

For example, he likes someone, but it is difficult for him to make the first move, or to maintain a conversation if the first step is taken towards him. There are also problems at work. Because of fears of doing something wrong, a person does not take the initiative and does not put forward his ideas.

In studies everything is the same. A student may perfectly understand a subject or know the answer to a question, but shyness prevents him from fully opening up and becoming the best.

But shyness is not always a bad thing. It happens that a person has some principles of his own that are difficult for him to cross and he will not do what others do. He does not feel afraid of what is to be accomplished, but simply considers it unacceptable.

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What is this

Shyness is a mental state of self-doubt, internal tension, constraint in words and movements, fear, awkwardness and indecision. It occurs periodically when, due to a number of external provoking factors, stable patterns of behavior are triggered due to the existing internal sense of self and undeveloped communication skills. It manifests itself primarily in the impossibility of casual communication.

Shyness and self-consciousness

In many dictionaries and sources, shyness and self-consciousness are used as synonyms. However, their psychology is slightly, but still different. To grasp the nuances of differentiation, one must look deeper into the etymology of these two words.

“Shyness” goes back to the word “close,” and “shyness” goes back to “wall.” Based on this, psychologists differentiate these two concepts. A shy person feels cramped within himself. He is oppressed by his own low self-esteem and the limitations that he has defined for himself. He cannot communicate normally with other people because he considers himself too unworthy and is afraid of failure. The shy person consciously builds a wall around himself in order to isolate himself from others, since his main phobia is betrayal, humiliation and hostility from others.

Based on these differences, the main direction in getting rid of shyness is to increase one’s own self-esteem, while shy people must first learn to trust others in order to build a line of communication with them and establish contacts.

Shyness and modesty

But modesty and shyness in psychology do not differ at all in shades. There is a deeper chasm between them. The first is a consequence of a conscious choice, while the second is a difficult-to-control psychological complex.

The table clearly demonstrates the difference between them:

If a modest person experiences psychological trauma, as a result of which self-esteem decreases and internal complexes develop, he may become shy. Therefore, psychologists say that shyness is pathological modesty.

Causes

What are the causes of shyness in adults?

1. Why are people embarrassed to look into the eyes: “the eyes are the mirror of the soul” and such a statement would be correct. You can learn a lot from the eyes, “read” emotions, and detect lies. Shy people avoid eye contact because they are afraid that feelings and emotions will be visible in their eyes. They believe that their interlocutor can find out what they really think.
2. I’m embarrassed by my appearance: almost all shy people have low self-esteem. Maybe at some point they were pointed out their shortcomings, ridiculed, or they themselves came to this conclusion. Because of this, a timid person tries to avoid being looked at.
3. I’m embarrassed to eat in front of people: how can I stop being afraid of people? A person is very vulnerable while eating, which is natural. Feeling shy in front of people is a sign of lack of self-confidence. It happens that timidity manifests itself only in the fact that a person cannot eat in front of others, but otherwise he is quite confident in himself and does not experience fear in other situations. This problem usually has its roots in childhood.
4. I’m embarrassed to go to the dentist: shyness when visiting a doctor is usually due to the fact that the patient has very neglected teeth and is afraid that the doctor will make fun of him.

How to become courageous and confident? You will find advice from psychologists on our website.

Causes of shyness. How to overcome shyness:

Psychological picture

A characteristic of a shy person is unusual behavior when the face turns red, the heartbeat quickens, the voice appears trembling, the palms sweat and the limbs begin to tremble.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

Signs of modesty appear: it is difficult to make acquaintances, to start talking to a stranger first. This limits the possibility of continuing further communication.

A shy person cannot defend his point of view, because he is afraid that it will simply not be accepted.

Closedness and lack of self-confidence manifest themselves at work when communicating with colleagues and the boss. A shy employee is afraid to express himself. This hinders advancement and career development.

Shyness interferes with the development of creativity. Shy people are timid, so they don't like events where they have to speak in front of an audience. They are not confident in themselves, they think that they will not cope well. They are overcome by severe anxiety, which prevents them from expressing themselves.

How to get rid of shyness?

To get rid of shyness, you don’t have to make an appointment with a psychologist. Here are some useful tips that can help you get rid of your insecurities if you have this problem:

Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes and mistakes. Remember more often that even the smartest and most successful make mistakes.

Learn to react calmly, without panic or resentment, to criticism addressed to you

Please note that there is practically no person who is not criticized. They criticize politicians, artists, businessmen - only they, unlike you, are not very upset about it!

Don't compare yourself to anyone or get upset because someone is happier or richer than you. Firstly, you don’t know what problems those who at first glance seem to be quite successful have. Secondly, nothing prevents you from achieving the same success if you overcome your shyness complex.

Work on increasing your own self-esteem, since low self-esteem is the main cause of shyness. And to increase your self-esteem, learn to scold yourself less often and praise yourself more often.

Shyness is not always a bad thing

Shyness is common to many people. This condition is not a bad quality of a person. It protects the psyche from possible stress. A timid person is perceived positively by others. After some time, fears go away, the interaction process improves.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Another positive side of shyness is improving your abilities. It manifests itself in the desire to please others in order to gain approval from them.

Like any psychological condition, shyness can transform into pathology. It becomes difficult for a person to communicate with his environment, even with friends, and achieve his goals. The disease manifests itself as a desire for self-isolation due to constant fear of failure.

Shyness in children

Shyness in children is often a consequence of undeveloped social competence and its correction.

1. Reasons: sometimes the baby is shy because it is so beneficial for him (often, so that the child stops being shy, he will be offered some kind of encouragement); because of your age or because of your temperament; the child may feel shy in a new, unfamiliar environment; due to lack of self-confidence; due to lack of experience in a given situation.
2. Shyness in preschool children: at this age, the child becomes susceptible to the opinions of others. Whatever he does, he waits for approval. When others judge him, it hurts him. He becomes unsure of himself, begins to be afraid to do something because it may cause a negative reaction. He tries not to get into situations for which he would be criticized.
3. The child is embarrassed to answer in class: at school age, children react very painfully to comments in their direction.
   This may be the reason why they are embarrassed to answer in class, even if they know the subject well. Also at this age, they have difficult relationships with peers, and their first sympathy often appears for their classmates. Excessive demands from parents and teachers lead to the fact that the child may be afraid to answer insufficiently well, get a bad grade, and then be scolded.

How to relieve a child from tightness and shyness?

What is shyness

Shyness is often viewed as a convenient and positive quality by governing social structures. For example, at school it will be more convenient for a teacher to manipulate the behavior of a shy child than a self-confident tomboy. Exactly the same picture occurs at work and even in periodic friendly communication. But this quality is beneficial and useful only for those around them who are looking for their own benefit in contact; for a person, shyness is a direct path to artificially low self-esteem, increased anxiety and a depressive state. That is why caring parents are looking for ways to overcome their child’s shyness, and not how best to take advantage of it.

Shyness is not an innate quality; all children from birth loudly express themselves, sincerely express desires and emotions.

Shyness is not a basic condition, but is one of the social emotions and, accordingly, develops at the age when social mechanisms of interaction are mastered (usually this occurs between the ages of three and seven years). On the one hand, the behavior of parents and the style of education have an important influence: the more the child is pulled back, shortcomings are pointed out, and the initiative taken is criticized, the more likely shyness will be formed. With this approach, externally oriented shyness is formed, when a person is ashamed of himself, his actions and thoughts in front of others.

In addition to the direct external influence, parents influence by their example, when the child learns not from what he was told, but from what he sees. If parents lead a secluded lifestyle and show shyness during social contacts, then the child develops an internal position aimed at disguising himself. In this context, we can talk about the internal orientation of shyness, shame in front of oneself for oneself.

Both options lead to an inability to build social contacts, which causes relationships with peers to deteriorate and shyness to worsen. It turns out to be a vicious circle, where in order to overcome shyness, you need to show confidence, for which you need to overcome shyness.

But many children also master this social mechanism, like many others, from the standpoint of their own benefit. The more positive changes in the behavior of significant adults the child receives while being embarrassed, the more this personality quality will be consolidated in its structure. Manipulation by adults is the only way a child can influence the world, since direct confrontation is not yet available to him. If, embarrassed to take candy, the child receives two, then next time he will refuse several times not out of politeness, but in order to get more, and in such a way that adults consider it their own decision. In many cases, the justification of shyness with low self-esteem does not stand up to criticism, since this line of behavior is largely regulated and if a person stops receiving benefits, then the way of interaction changes.

The position of a victim, an unhappy person, belittling one’s own capabilities always brings benefits - they will take pity on such a person, do the work for him, and give him the most delicious piece. They will not make high demands or will give disproportionately large rewards for small efforts.

Accordingly, before deciding to get rid of shyness or fight this quality in others, it is necessary to find out the formation of such a position. In cases of biological validity, a person will need support and assistance, and in the case of manipulative behavior, on the contrary, he will be given full responsibility and a peremptory style of communication.

Symptoms of shyness

Symptoms of shyness can manifest themselves on a mental level:

• fear of being judged;
• social phobia;
• ignoring crowded events;
• averting gaze during direct contact;
• communication in closed positions.

One should not think that shy people do not suffer physically. Often a person is so embarrassed and afraid of being rejected by society that he suffers from the following symptoms:

• trembling in hands;
• cardiopalmus;
• dizziness;
• increased blood pressure;
• redness of the cheeks;
• increased sweating;
• chills.

What is the difference between modesty and shyness?

People often confuse modesty and shyness, but in fact these are different concepts that should be distinguished. Modesty is the ability to keep oneself within the bounds of decency, depending on the situation, and the reluctance to attract unnecessary attention to oneself of one’s own free will. It is also a lifestyle in which people are not characterized by excessive refinements and luxury.

Shyness is the fear of unnecessary attention in one’s direction. Such fear arises unconsciously and a person cannot control it. This is the difference between modesty and shyness . A modest person does not attract unnecessary attention to himself due to his own decision, and a shy person does not attract unnecessary attention due to fear. A modest person knows his worth, is confident in himself and can demonstrate this at the right time. A shy person is unsure of himself and is afraid to share his achievements because he thinks that there will always be someone better.

Consequences of shyness

The consequences of shyness can be both positive and negative. Timid people are not always what they seem, and excessive modesty hides a trick that works to win over a certain contingent of people. Being modest is a social necessity and an indicator of good manners. Positive consequences of showing modesty:

• high assessment of good manners in society;
• timely restraint can affect the outcome of a conflict situation;
• it is appropriate to show restraint when communicating with unfamiliar people;
• modesty shown during communication should be perceived as good manners.

Some of the negative consequences of shyness include:

• excessive display of one’s modesty in society, inability to present oneself properly;
• inability to get what they want due to timidity: such people wait for years for a raise or raise in salary, embarrassed and afraid to ask for what they deserve;
• allowing yourself to be pushed around because you are embarrassed to refuse: often shy individuals do work for others, give their things, borrow money from someone and do not receive anything in return, and then are embarrassed to demand theirs back;
• inability to change and move towards something new: the fear of condemnation is so great that people live in convictions and shame for every action they commit until the end of their days.

It often happens that embarrassment leads to an inability to rejoice and live fully. A person on the way to a goal can be stopped by the phrase: “What will others think about me.” Thus, a mother is afraid to raise a child without a father, and endures quarrels and humiliation, only because of timidity before being judged by others. Due to excessive shyness, you can spend your entire life with someone you don’t love, trying to hide your disgust. Fearing condemnation, a person may not get a tattoo or never try a parachute jump, because by the standards of others his age does not allow it.

Test

You can determine the degree of your shyness using a test. Choose 1 option from 3 proposed answers.

1. Were you compared to other children as a child?

1. Yes, but only in my favor.
2. No, my parents thought it was inappropriate.
3. Yes, they criticized.

1. A colleague invites you to dinner after work.

1. Go, because you can get to know each other better.
2. You are anxiously thinking about topics to talk about.
3. Refuse to embarrass yourself out of concern.

1. In a cafe, you accidentally drop a cup of tea on a stranger.

1. Make jokes and apologize.
2. You get lost and ask for forgiveness.
3. You blush a lot and quickly leave.

1. Your friends criticize your hairstyle.

1. Laughingly say that she is not so terrible.
2. Wondering which hairstyle will suit you best?
3. You become isolated in yourself.

1. Your shyness.

1. It appears only in the first minutes of acquaintance.
2. Gives impetus to self-improvement.
3. Keeps you from taking advantage of life's opportunities.

If you get more “A” answers, this means you are not afraid of someone else’s assessment and have self-confidence. The predominance of answers “B” indicates the presence of a feeling of shyness, but very little and only in front of strangers. A large number of “C” answers indicates that shyness is preventing you from functioning normally in society. You should consult a psychologist to solve ingrained childhood problems.

Shyness is a natural protective manifestation of the psyche that is formed in childhood, but it is acceptable only in small quantities. Shyness in the form of a pathology prevents a person from communicating with people and achieving their goals.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .