Shyness: why and how does it prevent a person from being himself?

• What does modesty consist of?
• What is shyness
• Difference between concepts

Very often, certain personal qualities prevent a person from joining a team and freely communicating with others. Modesty and shyness fall into this category. First, you need to understand what the essence of these concepts is, and only then look for possible options for dealing with excessive manifestations of such qualities. Be sure to find out what the difference is between modesty and shyness.

What is this

Shyness is a mental state of self-doubt, internal tension, constraint in words and movements, fear, awkwardness and indecision. It occurs periodically when, due to a number of external provoking factors, stable patterns of behavior are triggered due to the existing internal sense of self and undeveloped communication skills. It manifests itself primarily in the impossibility of casual communication.

Shyness and self-consciousness

In many dictionaries and sources, shyness and self-consciousness are used as synonyms. However, their psychology is slightly, but still different. To grasp the nuances of differentiation, one must look deeper into the etymology of these two words.

“Shyness” goes back to the word “close,” and “shyness” goes back to “wall.” Based on this, psychologists differentiate these two concepts. A shy person feels cramped within himself. He is oppressed by his own low self-esteem and the limitations that he has defined for himself. He cannot communicate normally with other people because he considers himself too unworthy and is afraid of failure. The shy person consciously builds a wall around himself in order to isolate himself from others, since his main phobia is betrayal, humiliation and hostility from others.

Based on these differences, the main direction in getting rid of shyness is to increase one’s own self-esteem, while shy people must first learn to trust others in order to build a line of communication with them and establish contacts.

Shyness and modesty

But modesty and shyness in psychology do not differ at all in shades. There is a deeper chasm between them. The first is a consequence of a conscious choice, while the second is a difficult-to-control psychological complex.

The table clearly demonstrates the difference between them:

If a modest person experiences psychological trauma, as a result of which self-esteem decreases and internal complexes develop, he may become shy. Therefore, psychologists say that shyness is pathological modesty.

Misinterpretation of society

In the modern world, it is generally accepted that modesty is nothing more than a manifestation of weakness and indecisiveness, but in fact this is far from the case. Many years of experience, as well as a huge number of existing facts, indicate that modesty is, first of all, an unusual manifestation of character and fortitude.

People who engage in self-analysis come to the conclusion that to be modest is to be a well-mannered and moral person, and this is now sorely lacking in modern society.

Advantages and disadvantages

From a psychological point of view, is shyness good or bad? This character trait has more disadvantages than advantages for a person’s personal development and career success.

Pros:

• evokes more respect from others than arrogance;
• adorns the female half of humanity;
• guarantees that such a person will not be rude or offend;
• protects against intrigue and gossip, since a shy person is not the center of attention;
• in some cases, it promotes self-development if you turn loneliness to your advantage and start improving a skill.

Minuses:

• difficulties in communicating with people;
• lack of opportunity to express a personal opinion, express yourself and your abilities;
• development of isolation and excessive concentration on one’s own experiences and sensations;
• inappropriate reactions to the words and actions of other people;
• incorrect judgment of others about the personality of a given person - reluctance to communicate with him;
• lack of friends, often family;
• impossibility of career advancement;
• first - concealment, and soon - suppression of natural inclinations and abilities;
• impetus for the development of depression and autism;
• Among the consequences are loneliness, alcoholism, neuroses, mental disorders, and suicide.

Given such an advantage, psychologists strongly advise getting rid of shyness in a timely manner so that it does not have such negative consequences.

Example from practice. Despite the fact that arrogance and the absence of any complexes are condemned in society, and modesty and shyness are welcomed, for a successful career it is the first two qualities that turn out to be more productive. Two young people were hired to work in the office. The first had mediocre abilities, was restless, but at the same time believed in himself and demonstrated himself in every possible way to his colleagues and superiors. Something wasn’t clear (and he always didn’t understand something) - he asked and asked for help. Initiative was required - he proposed ideas, even if they were not entirely successful, but this created the impression of an active employee.

The second guy had all the skills and abilities necessary for this position, he was diligent and even talented, but at the same time he was overly shy. I did not communicate with anyone, did not put forward my vision of solving the problem at planning meetings, although it existed. Yes, he had perfectly written reports, but at the same time his superiors could not discern anything else in him.

As a result, it was the first one who went up the career ladder, while the second one remained sitting as a gray mouse in his department. This is a clear example of the devastating consequences shyness can have.

Modesty concept

Modesty is a personality trait of a person, expressed in a reluctance to specifically attract attention, demonstrate any virtues or knowledge that distinguishes him from others.

This is an indicator of good manners, self-control and the individual’s work to improve himself. Modesty is alien to the manifestation of vanity. It has been valued from time immemorial among all peoples. L.N. Tolstoy and J. Labruniere spoke laudably about it. Russian, Kazakh, Georgian, and Japanese folk proverbs are dedicated to this trait.

Modest is one who is not boastful, unceremonious, or tactless towards other people. It does not unnecessarily demonstrate its advantages and features. Modesty contains strength and is a positive trait, a virtue, an advantage.

Causes

Shyness is primarily caused by internal complexes and low self-esteem, the formation of which can be influenced by various factors throughout life. Psychologists name the following possible reasons for its development:

• lack of communication skills;
• conflict between the conscious and unconscious (the procreation instinct dictates that you meet a girl to create a serious relationship, but internal complexes prevent you from doing this);
• an inferiority complex due to a physical disability, excessive spoiling or constant status as an outcast in the team;
• a self-defense reaction from psychological trauma, from which a person closes himself in his own world;
• type of temperament: phlegmatic and melancholic people are more prone to shyness than others.

However, most often the cause of shyness is an incorrect upbringing system in childhood:

• lack of contact and trust with parents;
• lack of care and love;
• overprotection: excessive control of every step forces the child to suppress and keep emotions and desires within himself;
• anxious-suspicious type of education;
• physical punishment, humiliation, constant comparison with other children, excessive demands.

As adults, people rarely become shy. Unless they find themselves in some kind of traumatic situation or under the influence of a tyrant (manipulator, rapist). But most often this character trait is formed in childhood. Both parents (wrong type of upbringing) and school (bullying) can be to blame.

Example from practice. A few years after graduating from school, two friends met, whom life had taken to different cities, and during all this time they had not seen each other. One of them did not recognize the other at all. She used to be an activist, an excellent student, beautiful, sociable and had many friends. Now she has turned into a gray mouse, timid at every word and sparingly answering all questions in a quiet voice. Sensing something was wrong, a friend took her friend to a psychologist. During the sessions, it turned out that she had an unsuccessful marriage. The husband was a real tyrant, he beat her and humiliated her. Despite the fact that she was able to divorce him, her internal complexes, along with her pathological shyness, remained.

A burden or a joy?

Each person is already unique by nature. And there is no need to prove this to anyone. Based on this, we can conclude that each of us has our own set of certain qualities, outlook on life and habits. Such a set as you have will never be found in any other person. Of course, if you don’t look too deeply, it may seem that we are all very similar to each other, and therefore, in order to somehow identify ourselves, you need to be immodest.

So what is better for our lives? If it seems to you that it is impossible to give a definitive answer, then you are mistaken, and let’s look at why.

Surely there have been cases in your life when someone offended and humiliated you, thereby hurting your dignity. Try to remember how you felt. Or pay attention to the behavior of teenagers when they want to attract attention. Surely such situations cause negative emotions in you.

Signs

External signs of a shy person:

• never meets anyone anywhere;
• does not start a conversation first;
• when addressing him, he averts his eyes and becomes lost;
• answers questions briefly, quietly, without enthusiasm;
• shows no desire to carry on a conversation;
• avoids large crowds of people;
• refuses invitations to public events, celebrations, does not participate in corporate events;
• dresses modestly, does not stand out in the crowd, and is not interested in fashion.

Internal signs:

• dissatisfaction with oneself (behavior, thoughts, appearance);
• low self-esteem;
• increased level of anxiety;
• self-criticism;
• fixation on one’s own feelings and experiences;
• indecision;
• pathological fear of making a mistake (saying the wrong thing, sitting in the wrong place, offending someone);
• inability to say “no”;
• guilt, which gives rise to neuroses and obsessive thoughts;
• pessimism;
• logophobia.

Physiological signs (manifest at the moment when it is necessary to communicate or speak in public):

• hand tremors;
• wobbly, weak legs;
• rapid pulse, heart jumping out of the chest;
• dry mouth;
• hyperemia or, conversely, painful pallor on the face;
• increased sweating;
• tingling or numbness in the fingertips;
• labored breathing.

Naturally, physiological signs may be mild if a person knows how to control his emotions and manage his condition. He tries to suppress the mini-stress that he experiences when he is forced to communicate with someone against his will. But, if at every contact with people you barely know, your hands begin to shake, your voice trembles and your legs give way, this is already pathological shyness, caused by deep psychological trauma. Psychotherapeutic intervention is required here.

It should also be noted that such manifestations are not typical for a narrow circle of relatives and friends. For example, shy people communicate much more actively with their parents or loved one. However, even with them, they are constantly afraid of doing something wrong and limit themselves in emotions.

How does this trait manifest itself?

In fact, being humble is not that easy. But, believe me, this character trait is very good, so try to cultivate it in yourself. Let's look at how modesty manifests itself. A modest person always respects the opinions of people around him and never proves his own. This concept reflects a high level of education. A modest person will not show off all his merits and achievements and can always remain in the shadows.

However, he will not feel awkward at the same time. It is immediately obvious that such a person behaves with dignity. Of course, the meaning of the word “modesty” determines the meaning of this concept, and the list of its positive aspects can be continued endlessly. Today, think about your behavior; perhaps it was the main reason for your failures.

Aphorisms

There are not only a huge number of proverbs, but also aphorisms about this quality of the human personality. As you know, an aphorism is a smart and sophisticated thought of a person that has a certain meaning and is often used by other people.

So, let's look at a few aphorisms dedicated to such an important concept as modesty.

As Voltaire said: “It is very good to be modest, but you should not compare this concept with indifference, because an indifferent person simply cannot be modest.”

As Jean-Jacques Rousseau said: “Fools cannot be modest and modesty is taken as the greatest stupidity.”

It is worth reflecting on the words of Becher, who believed that a person who boasts of his modesty is already immodest. This is how arrogance appears, dressed in false clothes.

According to Plekhanov, the more talented a person is, the more modest he is.

As you can see, many famous personalities and sages left their philosophical thoughts about this concept. Many years of experience around the world testify that modesty is a great asset of humanity. Therefore, we ourselves must learn to be modest and teach this to our children.

How to become modest

It is very important to learn to be humble. This will make it much easier to succeed. However, do not confuse this concept with false modesty and shyness. In this life, everything should be in moderation. First of all, pay attention to your behavior. Don't be arrogant or show off. What should belong to you will come to you at the right time. Respect the opinions of other people, always be attentive to others. When talking, listen more than you talk, and you will notice how people will be drawn to you. And of course, develop yourself in every possible way, not only physically, but also spiritually.

conclusions

Being humble is a real talent. This quality was valued in ancient times, but over time nothing has changed. If modesty is a trait of your character, this already indicates that you are a harmoniously developed personality. Don't forget that your life is in your hands and only you can change it. So take care of yourself now. In the modern world, almost all people think only about the external manifestations of their life, and few people think about its spiritual side. Do not forget that modesty adorns a person. They thought so back in ancient times, and nothing has changed since then. If you want to exist in a truly harmonious world, create it for yourself, and you will understand how beautiful this life is.