Taming the obstinate... psychopath, or How to negotiate with inappropriate people

Martha Stout's book "The Sociopath Next Door" is about sociopaths, the danger they pose to society, and how to deal with them. The book raises the important problem of the widespread prevalence of sociopathy, which until now has either been silent or not given much importance.

Martha Stout is a clinical psychologist with 25 years of experience in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of two bestsellers: “The Myth of Sanity” and “The Paranoia Switch,” which have not been published in Russian.

Her book “The Sociopath Next Door” is recognized as a National bestseller in the West, has more than 1,000 positive ratings on Amazon and more than 15,000 on the book portal GoodReads.

Why does no one seem to notice the problem of sociopathy and realize the damage that sociopaths cause to society? Let's take a closer look in our review.

Who is a sociopath?

Sociopaths are people who lack conscience and also lack feelings in the usual sense of the word. A sociopath is rational; for him, people are just pawns in his big game. Sociopaths are not able to experience emotional experiences; the words love, care, mutual understanding, compassion, altruism, for them have the same emotional connotation as, for example, a mug, table or chairs. They are absolutely neutral to these feelings. However, sociopaths can masterfully fake them. A sociopath is like a chameleon, it is difficult to notice him in his surroundings, but these people have a natural tendency to manipulate people, many sociopaths have enormous influence in society and are authorities.

Interesting Facts

• A person who simply does not like society is not a sociopath. Perhaps you can call him a social phobe or an introvert, or maybe he is simply anxious or lacks sufficient communication skills. But now we definitely understand that sociopaths are not afraid of people and society.
• A sociopath is sane and capable of responding and accounting for his actions, unlike many other mental disorders.
• We have already discussed that a sociopath cannot withstand many feelings, such as frustration, the unknown, and his own failure. But there is one feeling that a sociopath can endure perfectly - this is the feeling of loneliness.
• It is extremely rare for a sociopath to seek help from specialists (psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist) on his own. Most often his relatives bring him.
• A sociopath pushes the boundaries of what is permitted, boldly looks beyond the boundaries of social norms, and sometimes, but not always, it is with the help of this inadequate courage that he achieves a lot or makes interesting discoveries.
• Sociopathic personalities are really interesting to relatively healthy people. They attract with their superficial charm, interesting oddities of behavior, and a certain aura of mystery. This is why sociopathic traits can often be found in the main characters of literary works, movie characters or mythical characters.

Why should you be wary of sociopaths? What damage can they cause?

Imagine the world's worst predator. For example, a shark or a crocodile. Introduced? Do you think that when a shark hunts its prey, it is tormented by any remorse? When a crocodile grabs an antelope with its teeth, does it think how much the antelope is hurting? Most likely no. Predators are designed in such a way that they do not experience all these feelings. They are cold and calculating in their desire to take possession of the victim. The same can be said about sociopaths - they are real predators among people. But if we can notice a shark or a crocodile and avoid colliding with them, then identifying a sociopathic person is much more difficult; at times, even the most experienced psychologists can’t do it.

To look at the sociopath from the outside, let's study the case of a certain Skip, about whom Martha Stout talks.

Skip was born into a family of wealthy parents, but was deprived of attention from both his mother and father. Skip was an unusual boy with very unusual hobbies. He didn't need friends; as a child he was unsociable. One day, when he was 12, he broke into his father's office and stole documents that showed his father's assets and fortune. The boy liked to read these papers, he imagined how rich he would become when his father died and left him an inheritance.

In the summer, Skip's whole family went to a country house. Skip loved it there. There was nature all around, and nearby there was a lake, which the boy often went to. But Skip didn’t just walk in nature, on the lake he did truly terrible things that give you goosebumps. That lake was famous for the fact that there were many frogs on it. The boy liked frogs. He caught dozens of them, tortured them and conducted various experiments. It gave him pleasure to watch this strange living creature suffer.

Reading about Skip's adventures, one gets the impression that this boy, when he grew up, inevitably turned into a brutal killer. However, this did not happen, at least the author does not mention it.

Skip grew up to become a ruthless social climber. Thanks to his lack of conscience, he intrigued a lot in order to move up the career ladder, and lied in order to conclude million-dollar contracts. The bosses loved Skip, because he brought substantial profits to the company. Skip later married the daughter of an oil billionaire. He became the father of two children. The image of an exemplary family man helped Skip grow higher and higher and enter into more and more expensive contracts. The bosses doted on their employee. And this allowed Skip to get away with many troubles: he often harassed female colleagues, once he was accused of fraud, but the company turned a blind eye to everything and even paid compensation “for silence” from the general budget to victims of harassment. At age 50, Skip became president of the company.

As we can see in this example, sociopaths are guided by cold calculations and only goals that are clear to them. Skip's case shows that sociopaths can use any trick to get their way. Sometimes they do completely unpredictable things, and this is one of the markers by which we can determine that we are facing a sociopath. For example, they can lie for no apparent reason, knowing that their lie will be easily revealed and what they said can be easily verified.

Depending on how rich the imagination of a sociopath is, in what society he grew up, in what family he was brought up in, the damage he can cause to other people also depends. Remember the movie “American Psycho,” in which a successful careerist “cleaned” the streets of homeless people in his free time? This is a vivid image of a violent sociopath. Their actions can be completely unpredictable, and the damage is incredibly serious.

Sociopath: how to communicate correctly with a sociopath and get from him what you need

Concluding the series of articles on sociopathy, I would like to once again remind readers of what exactly was discussed in the previous articles of the series.

In the first of them, “Sociopath: how to recognize, what to do and who is to blame,” I talked about what sociopathy is, as a dissocial personality disorder, and what signs a sociopath is endowed with, using the classification of psychologist Anna Lozinskaya. Let me remind you of these signs once again:

1. A sociopath is always very charming; 2. A sociopath is always unpredictable. 3. A sociopath does not have feelings of shame, regret or guilt. 4. A sociopath is prone to boasting. 5. A sociopath must win at all costs. 6. A sociopath is endowed with a remarkable mind. 7. A sociopath doesn't love anyone. 8. A sociopath never asks for forgiveness. 9. A sociopath often positions himself as some kind of Knight (or some kind of Beautiful Lady, depending on gender) with high moral principles.

There are, however, two more points that all psychologists who have worked on sociopathy write about. And these distinctive features of a sociopath also need to be named.

10. A sociopath is always a great actor. 11. A sociopath lies constantly.

For him, permanent lies are a lifestyle and a way of existence. Even if there is no benefit to the sociopath in lying, he has lied and will lie.

In the second article, “Sociopathy: how to avoid getting into trouble. The Practical Aspect of Identifying a Sociopath" examined the question of how a sociopath can be identified before he can cause any harm to another or take advantage of him to achieve his goals. Four of the signs of a sociopath were considered, which can clearly manifest themselves literally from the first minutes of communication.

Let me remind you of these signs and briefly tell you what exactly needs to be used to identify a sociopath.

1. Personal charm and sex appeal

. With these qualities, a sociopath begins to put pressure on you as soon as communication begins. If this pressure does not have a sexual connotation, then it represents a well-calibrated manipulation, similar to the one the technique of which was masterfully described by Dale Carnegie in his books on psychology. A sociopath will always be perceived by other people as a wonderful person. But behavior that emphasizes these qualities will give away a sociopath - if, of course, you treat his words coldly and ironically and refuse to take them on faith.

2. Behavior in disputes.

A sociopath will always win, his point of view cannot be changed and it will not be possible to impose your opinion on him. At the same time, unlike an ordinary narrow-minded debater, who will also insist on his own, a sociopath, as a person endowed with a sharp mind, will argue not just with confidence in his knowledge and in his opinion. He will identify your “pain points” and will strike them with devastating blows. This property of a sociopath represents a very tangible danger to the interlocutor, since a sociopath is always an energy vampire. If such pressure begins in the dispute, consider that the identification of the sociopath is almost complete.

3. Positioning yourself as some kind of ideal person (leader, creator, etc.).

Even notorious narcissists do not do this; they only boast about themselves, but usually do not declare that the world rests on them and they are ideal. Remember that a sociopath always lies - and such words praising his essence should always be verified by searching for information on the Internet or finding out through mutual friends.

4. The sociopath has no shame, remorse or guilt.

A sociopath is a very specific personality; he will always try to get under the skin of his interlocutor, because this is one of the fundamentals of the technique of manipulating other people. If you try to harshly cut off a sociopath and demand an apology for the offense he caused, you will not receive any apology, much less repentance.

All psychologists note that the surest way to stop pressure on you from a sociopath is to completely break all communication with a toxic person.

But sometimes there are situations when such a gap is not possible. And in this case, it is necessary to build relationships in such a way that they will allow you to save your face, and will not give another chance to take advantage of you and play with you, and will even help you turn communication with a sociopath to your personal benefit.

It's not just your casual acquaintance who may be a sociopath.

You can identify it in your boss, in your friend, in your significant other. And the worst thing is when a person realizes that one of his parents or close relatives is a sociopath. You can change your job, break off relations with a friend, divorce your wife or husband - and often this option will be the best way out of the situation.

But what if you have prospects in your organization, but your immediate boss is a sociopath, and your career depends on him? What to do if you cannot immediately break off relations with a friend or relative or divorce your “other half”?

And finally, the most terrible question is how to get out of a situation where a father or mother is a sociopath, with whom, even if you leave them in another city or country, you still need to communicate? This question is actually very acute, since, unlike all other people, a person a priori cannot treat parents without prejudice and from the position of an observer. And also because parents always know their children like crazy, and better than anyone else they know how to manipulate them and deal dagger blows to their self-esteem.

There are certain rules for communicating with a sociopath.

And it is important to clearly imagine them. Believe me, you should be ready to use these rules at any time.

The following measures must be taken:

1. Ruthlessly reduce the time you communicate with the sociopath.

If it is not possible to completely break off a relationship with a toxic person or completely refuse to communicate with him, the time of such communication should be reduced to an absolute minimum.

2. Critically evaluate yourself and your capabilities to counter or reduce susceptibility to manipulation.

In a word, you need to approach the problem from the position of a risk manager and calculate the risks of such communication.

Think very seriously about your behavior strategy if you have the following qualities:

a) You are an easily suggestible person; b) You are a “driven” person, you need someone to control you; c) You are easily influenced by others; d) You lack self-confidence.

Calculate the risks especially carefully if you belong to the masochistic characterological type

, colorfully described in Liz Burbo’s book “Five Traumas That Prevent You from Being Yourself.” The masochistic character type is very “suitable” for manipulation by a sociopath. This characterological type does not at all mean the presence in a person’s life of a tendency towards masochism as a sexual deviation. It only indicates that a person with a masochistic type of character is inclined to “gnaw himself from the inside”, lacks unshakable self-confidence and is very suggestible. Usually these are quite overweight people, or at least predisposed to overweight. And they may be just as prone to depression. Although not always.

3. Think first of all about yourself and your own interests.

It was already mentioned in the previous section that sociopaths, when choosing victims, choose people who lack independence, are “driven” and are inclined to act according to instructions and under someone else’s guidance. But there are ways to protect yourself from the attacks of a sociopath.

These are the methods:

a) Demonstration of self-confidence; b) Demonstration of the independence of their views; c) Having a strong position on issues affecting your interests; d) Demonstration of the ability to quickly think and react to a situation.

Sociopaths cannot stand people who are independent and have an inner “core.” The reason is that the more independent a person is, the more difficult it is to control him and the less opportunities to manipulate him

.

In order to develop the above-mentioned qualities in yourself, you need to carry out titanic work on yourself and your character.

This work is always very long, sometimes for many years. Accept yourself as you are, highlight your own problems, start working with them - not everyone is capable of such actions. It’s easier for people to “go with the flow” than to understand the intricacies of their own destiny, and most often they come to the conclusion that this and that are destined for them from above, and doing anything with “this” is pointless.

It is necessary to read books, learn new things, communicate with a variety of people from the position of an observer and learn to listen to someone else's point of view without unconditionally trusting it.

Self-confidence and self-confidence is the most important property that will help in all areas of activity.

In dealing with a sociopath, it will become the determining factor.

4. Ignore provocations and under no circumstances succumb to them.

If a person is not manipulated, then the sociopath will not be interested in communicating with him, because he will not be able to control him and the sociopath will become frankly bored. Equanimity in communication on the part of the interlocutor and the absence of an emotional reaction to his own attacks against the other will most likely force the sociopath to stop such communication himself.

5. Don't tell the identified sociopath who he is.

This is as dangerous as telling an aggressive alcoholic that he is a drunken pig. Such a conversation will cause a flow of negativity towards you and encourage the sociopath to actively argue with you, and a sociopath, as already mentioned, is simply great at arguing. It must be remembered that most often a sociopath is not at all aware of the inhumanity of his behavior. And it’s best not to demonstrate that you see right through his essence. In this case, you need to communicate with him emphatically politely and without showing any emotions.

6. Don't give in to his charm and sexuality.

A sociopath is great at charming other people and is able to present himself so favorably that no one will notice his external or personal shortcomings. However, such an attitude towards others can be noticed and immediately questioned. If a person immediately starts trying to charm you for no apparent reason or in the absence of your desire, you should know that there is a certain catch hidden in this.

A sociopath always knows how to demonstrate excellent storytelling skills, and even create the impression that he has an amazing sense of humor, at the level of an Odessa resident, in order to evoke sympathy in his interlocutor. He masterfully evokes sympathy for himself in another person. He will perfectly prove to anyone his supposed importance and value. And here you need to know - such behavior is as natural for a sociopath as it is for a cat to be independent, and for a dog to obey its owner. You could even say that such behavior is not the fault of the sociopath himself. However, you cannot allow him to manipulate you. Remember this and treat a sociopath calmly and without emotion. Believe me, this will cause persistent irritation in the sociopath and he will step aside.

If he begins to demonstrate his sexuality to you, your lack of reaction will force the sociopath to switch to someone else. That's all.

7. Break off difficult family or more personal relationships than friendship.

Unfortunately, living with or dating a sociopath is dangerous to your health. The feelings that a sociopath will evoke will be very vivid, due to the fact that he masterfully creates the illusion of love for you, as well as respect and even adoration, but at the same time he will always manipulate you. And it will constantly hurt you.

Again, worry if you have a masochistic character type, according to Liz Burbo, or if you have a “fugitive” type, a person who suffered the trauma of being rejected in childhood. If this is the case, then you are at risk.

Anyone can quarrel with their chosen one, and, in principle, anyone can hurt their partner in marriage. No family can do without quarrels, and even the indifference of one person to another for some time after a fight does not mean that he is a sociopath.

In any case, a sociopath never repents of his actions. And the other may repent, and ask for forgiveness, and try not to behave the same way as he did before. Which is a utopia when it comes to a sociopath.

And the sociopath will repeat the disgusting situation once, ten times, and as many more as he needs.

Ending a relationship with a sociopath is not easy.

. He doesn't take no for an answer. Even if sexual relations and friendship with him are forever, in your opinion, a thing of the past, the sociopath will try to keep you in his “orbit”.

Moreover. A sociopath will do the same, even if the breakup took place on his initiative

.

So you need to prepare for a long confrontation and enlist the support of not only your family, loved ones and friends, but perhaps also the relatives of the sociopath himself, who, I assure you, most likely also suffer from his attacks.

Let me give you a specific example. I have a friend, she is a cultural figure, a musician. At the beginning of the 2000s, after graduating from the Moscow Conservatory, she left for the West, not finding herself in Russia. After traveling around the world, the girl received German citizenship and finally settled in the European Union. Seven years ago, she met a man in France who captivated her with his endless charm and created such a “love story” that my friend now recalls with tears in her eyes. For about two years, a man, a television journalist by profession, treated my friend as he wanted. She didn't even notice the strangeness of his behavior. Just as she didn’t attach any importance to the fact that he always avoided the topic of marriage.

Everything changed when my friend gave birth to a son. Fatherhood was not part of the journalist’s plans, and he led the lady into all the jungles of sociopathy that were listed above. Ultimately, after another scandal, the man, if you can call him that, put the young woman out on the street along with the child, who at that time was five years old. The lady didn’t think long about what to do next, and left for Germany. Now she is trying to settle there, rented an apartment, found a job. No longer counting on men.

Do you think my friend's ex left her? How wrong! He has already exhausted her with subpoenas and bills for costs, which in Germany, regardless of who and what exactly was awarded in family matters, or even if the court rejected the claim in family matters, are divided equally between the wife and the husband. At the same time, the man refuses to pay alimony and to come to his son, demanding that the boy be brought to him in France.

Interesting fact: the said journalist, an ethnic Frenchman, works in Paris in... the Russian editorial office of the Russia Today TV channel. And it covers, among other things, political events related to relations between Russia and France.

8. Warn those with whom the sociopath interacts who they are dealing with.

There is no point in shouting everywhere that you have identified someone as a sociopath. However, if you have common relatives and friends with him, then you can warn them

, especially since sooner or later you will see how they become victims of the manipulations of a sociopath and how his influence has a detrimental effect on them. You can try to help the victim understand what is happening.

However, you must be prepared for the fact that the victim of a sociopath will take both your arguments and the arguments given in the literature on this problem with hostility and will even end the relationship with you.

Such a case happened in my practice.

The sociopathic lady discussed in the previous two articles has a girlfriend. She has a pronounced masochistic type of character. However, she always tries to look cheerful and relaxed, although her inner gloominess repels men from her, even though she is much more beautiful than her sociopathic friend.

This girl has been collaborating with a sociopathic lady for several years, and, according to the girl, she often gets the nuts from her friend; the sociopathic woman often allows herself to shoot sharp critical arrows at her professional friend, and even hurt her dignity.

But this sweet girl really helps the sociopath “maintain” one of her endeavors - without her, the sociopath lady’s business will simply fall apart. Moreover, a friend helps a sociopathic woman organize her entertainment with members of the opposite sex (note, by the way, another very characteristic behavior of a sociopath), and keeps her mouth shut.

And the sociopathic friend greatly “rewarded” the girl for her efforts and patience. A sweet young woman has a very small child, an absolutely normal, but very hyperactive daughter. And you still need to be able to cope with it. And the girl very rarely sees help from her husband - he is on constant business trips. Their family doesn’t have enough money to keep a nanny in the house all the time.

So when the girl returned from maternity leave, she discovered that her favorite position at work was already firmly occupied, and she was offered another, lower paid one. The sociopathic lady did not think twice and used both her influence on her friend and her official position to help a loved one in a difficult period of life.

It was such “help” that all my friends to whom I told this story were horrified. In a situation where there is nowhere to wait for help with raising a child, and the husband is still constantly traveling, the sociopathic lady pushes her friend to enroll in a master's program at a well-known metropolitan university (and her friend lives in the not very near Moscow region) to study full-time (!!! ), and “to the heap” pushes her through an appointment to a leadership position in her organization. Completely, by the way, subordinating her friend’s life to her interests, and not to the interests of her family. In which there are already enough nerves - the girl’s husband has a very serious profession associated with a constant risk to his own life!

The sociopathic lady provided her girlfriend with both a career and a higher salary, but at what cost! By the way, the girl still doesn’t have enough money for a nanny. For she, like many people in our difficult days, pays off the loan together with her husband.

There is a good Russian proverb: with such friends you don’t even need enemies!

I tried to talk honestly and very delicately with this sweet girl. After all, we collaborated with her for some time and even practically became friends. But the girl did not listen to me. Her condition could be compared with the action of the “cloak of happiness” described in Henry Kuttner’s novel “Fury” - a Venusian organism, which, upon contact with the victim, began to slowly digest it, merging itself with the nervous system of the object, which experienced true pleasure from the process of digesting itself , comparable to a drug high.

Is it necessary to write that now we don’t communicate with her at all, let alone not be friends?

9. Completely reject the fear of sociopathy.

Knowledge of the subject of the article should not contribute to the emergence of a phobia towards others whom you suspect of sociopathy.

It is very difficult to resist paranoid thoughts and not reduce life to suspicion of sociopathy in everyone around you. A lot of people have a vile character, and anyone can start to get on your nerves. In the end, a lot depends on your self-esteem and on your level of knowledge and endurance.

And when faced with a sociopath, it would be unnecessary to think that he will definitely use you for his own purposes and mix you with dirt.

How to behave with sociopaths should already be clear. There is nothing complicated in this list, except that you need to think about yourself and start working on yourself. But if you decide to do this, you can not only communicate with sociopaths, but also simply change your life for the better.

Could a situation arise when a sociopath thinks about his behavior?

Despite the seeming improbability of such a turn of events, the answer will be positive. Yes. Maybe.

Precisely because a sociopath always has a very high level of intellectual development, he may think about why his behavior is unpredictable, why the reaction to his actions and behavior is often negative, why many people condemn and hate him behind his back, which can sometimes cause him to sociopath and harm, especially if it concerns more senior people.

No, a sociopath will not suddenly begin to feel remorse and will not experience feelings of guilt, he will still not be imbued with love for anyone. But, realizing that something wrong is happening to him, a sociopath can turn to psychologists and even seriously challenge them on the question of what to do. Especially if the sociopath himself began to understand himself, and, after studying the relevant literature, discovered signs of dissocial personality disorder.

Again, this does not mean that a sociopath will be afraid of anything or question his value, which he so loves to present to others. But he may come to the conclusion that he needs to work on himself. And perhaps he will be able to rethink his own life. And even discover something in yourself that was not there before.

Is it possible to successfully communicate and work with a sociopath? Is it possible to get from him what you need? This is perhaps the most interesting question.

And the answer to this question will be positive. Yes, you can communicate with a sociopath and such communication can even be very interesting. You can work with him and even get an impetus for your own development from him, because sociopaths, I will emphasize this again, are endowed with a very sharp mind and they may have a very serious store of knowledge, which it is not a sin to use. You can even live in the same house with a sociopath, if we are talking about one of the parents, if the person’s self-esteem is normal and he does not allow himself to be manipulated.

It is impossible to jump over your head and outplay a sociopath in an argument. It is useless to prove something to a sociopath if it goes against his point of view. It does not seem realistic to re-educate a sociopath, even if he is still a teenager, even if you use all imaginable and inconceivable pedagogical methods.

But if you are self-confident, independent and do not give in to provocations, maintaining constant vigilance and realistically assessing the situation, then the sociopath will perceive you as an equal.

Moreover, if you correctly “shut up” a sociopath, he will even look into your mouth and begin to respect you. The main thing is not to argue with him or show emotions! But a sociopath will not try to beat your reinforced concrete confidence! He doesn't need it!

But it’s unlikely that if you’re talking about a sociopathic boss, even if you build relationships competently, you can count on a promotion. A sociopathic leader will begin to perceive you not just as his equal, but as a contender for his place. He will judge you by himself. Checked!

And my final advice - if you want to make a career, and there is a sociopath on your way, then slowly look for another job!

Well, unless, of course, you are seduced by the path that my friend’s friend took. Then drink the whole “cup of poison” to the bottom and don’t complain about Fate!

Sociopaths don't know what they are

Consider the situation: a sociopath was caught red-handed in his deeds. For example, Skip, whom we wrote about above, was accused of fraud when concluding transactions. Under normal circumstances there would have been serious public outcry, courts, press, huge fines and even imprisonment. But Skip escaped all this. His charisma and cold charm had such an effect on people that many simply did not believe that their “successful and talented” colleague was capable of such a thing. The case was put on hold. And what about Skip himself? Didn't he feel guilty? Not at all. When asked, he said that these were the machinations of envious people who wanted to “ruin” the career of a successful employee. Skip wasn't lying. He didn't really feel like he was at fault.

Martha Stout writes that sociopaths, like predators in the animal kingdom, do not feel any remorse. They are absolutely confident that they are doing everything right. And people who may disagree with them are considered their blood enemies, whom they will fight with all available methods.

Ways to combat sociopathy - how to cope on your own

The first step towards getting rid of dissocial disorder is taming the negativity. Simply put, sociopathy occurs as a result of an incorrect perception of the world around us and our own self. As a result, a person withdraws into himself and is constantly overcome by anxious thoughts. The longer this state lasts, the more negativity accumulates due to a feeling of hopelessness. It is advisable to experience the current circumstances while talking with someone. If there is awareness of the problem, it is better to seek help from a psychologist. The main desire to alleviate the symptoms of sociopathy is to reduce negativity, which will allow you to extract emotions and free yourself from fears.

The next step is curbing anxiety and aggression. They prevent a person from normally assessing the situation and perceiving the environment. When overwhelmed with aggression and anxiety, a spark is enough for an emotional “explosion.” Once you can get rid of these irritating factors, treatment will be much easier.

Sociopathy has not been fully studied, so there are no techniques yet that can completely cure a person. A sociopath is unlikely to accept the fact that he is unhealthy. If awareness has come, given the number of factors that provoke sociopathy, it is difficult to cope with the problem without the help of specialists. With help and desire, you can teach yourself to control emotions and impulses.

How do sociopaths disguise themselves? Why are they so difficult to notice?

The camouflage tools of sociopaths are quite wide. All their methods, to one degree or another, come down to charming or intimidating people. Let's take a closer look at the most common techniques, one or more of which will help you understand that this is a sociopath.

Charm

Many sociopaths have mastered this technique. They easily gain a person’s trust and at first meetings evoke the most positive emotions and impressions. The further into the forest, the more firewood. In Skip's case, we learned that he masterfully used his charm to gain the trust of clients and his superiors.

It is important to remember that not all charming people are sociopaths, but you should be wary if the first time you meet a person, they break all your natural psychological defense mechanisms: mistrust and critical thinking.

Seduction

Very often this means entering into very close emotional or physical contact with those at whom this technique is aimed. Sociopaths cold-bloodedly seduce people in order to get what they want - financial support, information, or just a temporary relationship that may be beneficial to the seducer.

Crocodile tears

This is usually a last resort tool used by sociopaths. Its manifestation is especially likely when someone comes very close to revealing the dishonest deeds of an unscrupulous person. A sociopath, who is pressed against the wall, immediately turns from a predator into a victim: she sheds bitter tears, repents of all sins, presses for pity. Such a performance has a very effective effect on unprepared people - depending on the degree of mastery of the technique, a sociopath can either get off with a light punishment or get away with it completely.

Strange behavior

This is not exactly a technique of influence, but something that is characteristic of all sociopaths. This is a marker with which we can figure out an unscrupulous person. How does the strange behavior manifest itself? Always different. For example, a charming employee may lie to colleagues, knowing that his lie will very soon be revealed. In the book, the author describes a case where the head of the medical department, at the end of the working day, when everyone was ready to go home, approached a colleague who was junior to her in status and said that the colleague was urgently called by the chief physician for a meeting. The junior employee knew nothing about this, did not receive any message from his superiors, was at a loss, but still ran in a hurry to the chief physician's office. The woman who lied could have guessed that in just a few minutes her lie would be exposed. However, out of envy of the young employee or for other reasons, she wanted to show her superiority and power over him. She succeeded for a short time.

The common thing in the strange behavior of sociopaths is that such behavior was not previously characteristic of the person whose image was played by the sociopath. Be careful.

Phase 6: Awareness and Understanding

Over time, constant lies, inconsistencies, negative emotions and comments from friends and family will lead you to believe that you were a pawn in a psychopath's game. It will take a long time before you are convinced of the validity of your suspicions and accept this fact. Once this happens, everything will get better.

Once you realize what happened, you will feel like a simpleton. Many victims of psychopaths say to themselves: “How could you believe such a lie?!” This is a natural reaction, but it comes with a price.

People who feel fooled are reluctant to share this and, instead of trying to find confirmation or justification for their new opinion about the psychopath, begin to avoid others. Maybe those around you really didn’t notice, but in any case, it’s much better to trust your friends and family than to allow yourself to be tormented by your own stupidity.

Talking to someone about your experiences and writing about them in a journal is a good way to release negative feelings. You may want to write down everything that happened after your encounter with the psychopath.

And of course, you need to make sure that all your things are in place: bank account, credit card, documents, computer, phone. It is very important to distance yourself from the psychopath and take steps to protect yourself from retaliation from him. It might be worth posting your story (anonymously) on a website for support groups for victims of psychopaths.

How many sociopaths are there in society?

You will be surprised, but there are enough of them to, like parasites, poison society and drag it down. According to studies, approximately 4% of the population, i.e. four out of a hundred people, suffer from the defect of lack of conscience, i.e. sociopathy. This is a lot, considering how many respectable people can succumb to the manipulations of sociopaths. To show the destructive power of the influence of sociopaths, the author of the book cites as an example the sensational experiment of Stanley Milgram (more in our sprint “Beyond Morality: The Psychology of Submission to Authority”). The essence of the experiment was that people were placed in two different rooms. In one room there was a person who had to answer questions from another subject from the second room. If the answer to the question was incorrect, the subject had to punish him with an electric shock (the electric shock was fake, but the person who pressed the button did not know about it). In addition, next to the person who asked the question was a scientist who controlled the effect of the punishment and tried to prevent people from stopping giving the other person "shocks". What did the experiment show us? For every hundred people, there were approximately 70 people who unquestioningly obeyed the “scientist’s” demands, that is, they were ready, on his orders, to torture another person almost to death. All these 70 people were ordinary people without any psychological abnormalities. But they carried out the will of a “crazy” authority, whose authority was proven simply by the presence of a white coat and a badge as an employee of a research center.

Is sociopathy treatable?

According to the author, sociopathy is incurable. On the other hand, few sociopaths will be able to admit their illness and voluntarily undergo treatment. Is there really nothing that can be done? Unfortunately, we cannot treat the lack of feelings that such people lack. But you can work with such people: instill responsibility in them, talk about the rules and norms of behavior accepted in society, explain what feelings are, how other people experience them, explain what damage can be caused to other people by incorrect behavior, etc. d. As we have already learned, sociopaths will never be able to learn to feel like normal people, but they will know how others express these feelings and will be able to adapt.

Two types of sociopathy in women

Who is a sociopath: 10 signs of the disorder Photo: Depositphotos
Typically, sociopathy in women occurs in a milder form than in men. The disorder can occur against the background of schizophrenia, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, and brain diseases. Experts distinguish two types of sociopathy: active and passive.

Active sociopathy

An active sociopath is sociable, often the life of the party. But she is not able to empathize or have compassion for other people.

For women with this disorder there is no word “no” - they can do anything. That is why they sooner or later end up in prison.

Characteristic features of active sociopathy:

• Women lack the ability to think and act strategically;
• They cannot maintain their impulse - therefore they are often addicted to gambling, drug addiction, and alcoholism;
• They cannot keep their attention on one thing, so they often change jobs;
• Prone to aggression, theft, vagrancy, promiscuity.

Sociopaths become prostitutes or hangers-on and kept women of oligarchs - that is, they enter into relationships for profit.

Passive sociopathy

Only a specialist can recognize a passive sociopath. As a rule, those around her have no idea about her disorder - only her close ones know.

These women have a limiting factor - something they are afraid of: public opinion, superiors, God, etc. Therefore, their disorder is not so obvious. But there are characteristic features of passive psychopathy:

• Lack of disgust;
• The house is a walk-through courtyard, and the hostess herself is hospitable, helpful, and loves feasts;
• Cannot take responsibility for his life, for the future;
• Can’t control the impulse – gets involved in alcohol, drugs, gambling;
• Hot-tempered;
• When something doesn’t work out, he can’t stand it and tries to cope with difficult emotions with the help of alcohol and drugs;
• Constantly gets into unpleasant stories and situations;
• Men perceive such women as an intermediate option when they need to rest somewhere. But no one is planning a family or children with them.

Causes of female sociopathy

A combination of factors leads to female sociopathy:

1. Genetics - the disorder could have occurred in distant ancestors, for example, in a great-grandfather. And appear after several generations.
2. Psychological factor. For example, a codependent mother will raise a sociopath (codependency is a pathological attachment on an emotional or physical level). There may also be childhood psychological trauma.

Women who are sociopaths do not consider themselves sick and do not go to treatment, even forcibly. In this case, psychotherapy is needed by their loved ones.

What causes sociopathy?

Martha Stout identifies two important factors that provoke extreme manifestations of sociopathy in people. The first factor is upbringing. When parents distance themselves from their child, neglect his natural needs for emotional and physical contact, are too rude with them, and resort to punishment, then the child withdraws into his own world and ceases to experience feelings normally. In addition, many parents are characterized by emotional suppression of their children. If a child cries, he is told to stop. If he expresses emotions too loudly, they ask him to be quieter or shut up. If a boy cries, they call him a snotty weakling; if a girl cries, they call her a crybaby. Some parents do all this not out of malice, but because they are susceptible to stereotypes, but in this way they provoke their children to become afraid of them and stop expressing any emotions.

The second important factor is the social attitudes that are accepted in society. In the West, the rate of sociopathy has been steadily increasing since the 1990s. The author of the book sees a relationship with social attitudes that are accepted in the United States and other countries. Robert Hare, a renowned psychopathy researcher, writes in his book The Frightening World of Psychopaths:

“Our society is moving in the direction of allowing, reinforcing, and in some cases actually encouraging some of the traits listed in the Psychopathy Inventory—traits such as impulsivity, irresponsibility, and lack of remorse.”

* You can learn more about the ideas in The Frightening World of Psychopaths in our sprint Without Conscience: The Frightening World of Psychopaths Around Us.

We tend to agree with Dr. Hare. Our society encourages individualism, which gives rise to shameless manipulation of people. Sometimes it seems that some cultures are simply designed to breed sociopaths in their society.

Throughout our review, we've been telling you how dangerous sociopaths are. And now we have come to the main section, which will tell you how to interact with sociopaths if you have encountered such people on your life path. In her book, Martha Stout outlines 13 rules that should help anyone understand what to do if they find out that there is a sociopath next to them. Let's take a closer look at them.

Ugh, toxic!

How to identify an “unhealthy element”:

• Constantly provokes scandals and actively participates in them
• Frankly freaks out if you're in a bad mood
• After communicating with you he feels great, you - not so much
• Comments on your work, doubts your professionalism
• Afterwards it’s better not to go to the boss - the boss is evil
• Often tries to evoke feelings of guilt, duty, pity
• Forces communication
• Ignores the opinions of colleagues
• Emphasizes his own importance by belittling the work of others

In addition, vampirism can take various forms - we have identified 3 types of office aggressors :

1. Maniac

The name is creepy, but it perfectly conveys the meaning. He chooses one victim and splashes out all the negativity in a targeted manner. This behavior is common in student-teacher relationships—when a senior colleague bullies a trainee, for example.

2. Superhero

This character annoys everyone - he has countless opinions and knows everything: from blockchain to the spawning features of salmon fish in the Cretaceous period. Do you remember this one?

3. Bully

Everything is simple here. The office bully is aggressive without doing anything and exhibits antisocial behavior in every possible way, not just at someone, but in general. Usually these are line personnel.