How to communicate with toxic people without breaking your psyche

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It is especially difficult if one of the parents turns out to be a problematic family member. How to deal with this?
As a child, I had a harmful relative. I know he loved me, but he was missing some life skills.

Sometimes it was fun and joyful with him, but there were cases that I don’t want to remember. I often encountered harsh criticism, scolding, and rejection caused by his high expectations.

The driving forces behind my behavior were shame and guilt. I often could not predict what would irritate this member of my family. I endured explosive and sometimes violent outbursts of rage.

Much of my childhood was confusing, sad, and terrifying. It still affects me to this day. Unfortunately, as a child, I did not know how inappropriate many of his actions were.

I also didn’t know how to fight such treatment. Now that I have matured, we managed to reconnect. For this we needed to separate. And each of us had to change our behavior.

We don't always get along, and sometimes hurtful remarks do slip through. But now I am able to maintain a relatively pleasant and comfortable relationship with this relative.

It is believed that a family should initially be loving and safe, but this is not always the case. Some native people are destructive, complex and dominating. It is especially difficult if one of the parents turns out to be a problematic family member.

In any close relationship there are disagreements and difficulties.

We all have family members with whom we clash over music, life decisions, or politics. We usually spend the necessary effort working on the problem or simply smile politely and ignore it. However, toxic relationships are those in which one person emotionally or physically ruins the other's life on an ongoing basis.

This kind of behavior is not acceptable, even if such a person is part of your family. Your priority should be your health and emotional balance. If someone puts them at risk, the situation needs to be corrected.

How can you tell if someone is causing harm?

Here are some examples of behavior of a problematic family member:

• Constantly inserts offensive comments.
• Doesn't support you if it's not beneficial for him.
• He has an unpredictable, complex character.
• Uses your time, skills or money.
• Emotionally manipulates you to control your behavior.
• Refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
• Makes decisions for you.
• Shows a lack of empathy towards others.
• Blames you and everyone else for his problems.
• Uses violence or aggression to get what they want.

It is clear that this behavior creates an unhealthy environment and can have a negative impact on your health and well-being. For example, it might call:

• anxiety;
• depression;
• fear when being near this relative;
• shame or guilt;
• low self-esteem or self-doubt;
• difficulty forming emotional intimacy with other people;
• inability to trust your gut or intuition;
• distancing from others;
• aggression as a form of defense;
• sleep problems.

No one is able to control someone else's behavior. It is impossible to force another person to change their actions. The only thing we can control when we are in a toxic relationship with our family is our own reaction. It's up to you to take care of yourself.

Rules for dealing with toxic people

“Toxic people attach themselves to your ankles like cinder blocks and then invite you to swim in their poisoned waters.”

— John Mark Green

Now let's talk about toxic people. Alas, everyone around them has one of these. And God forbid that he be alone. First of all, let's clarify how to recognize them.

After communicating with such people, negative emotions may appear: anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, a feeling of worthlessness. These people will not think about your feelings when criticizing you. Maybe in addition there will be another phrase: “Well, I wish you only the best.”

What pushes these people to behave this way? It's simple. They see the world in gray and black tones, for them the world is not fair to them, life is bad, there is continuous drama around and they diligently promote this to the masses. We will leave their point of view to them; our task is to learn not to succumb to their influence. Remember!

1. Before communicating, you need to set yourself up for positivity.

No matter what the other side says and with what attitude, you must remember that your life is wonderful and everything is fine with you: it was, is and will be. You can repeat this to yourself like a mantra.

Toxic friendship: 9 signs that a friend is ruining your life and relationships

Solve everything quickly

“Getting rid of toxic people in your life is a big step towards self-love.”

— Hussein Nishah

There is no need to pay much attention to toxic people; we resolve all issues with such people quickly, without going into long conversations.

Don't let yourself feel guilty for someone else's suffering.

You are not the Sun and you won’t be able to warm everyone. If someone is trying to instill a feeling of guilt in you (as a rule, this comes through accusations), inhale/exhale and ask yourself the question: “Is this event/action my direct fault?” If no, bye everyone. We do not allow people to enter into our personal territory (now we are talking about spiritual things, not about housing).

4. Change your focus or stop talking

Alternatively, if you are bombarded with complaints from such a person, you can offer him a couple of solutions or switch his attention to the positive aspects of this world. If the person does not respond or becomes angry, end the conversation.

“Surround yourself only with those people who will lift you higher. It’s just that life is already full of those who want to drag you down.”

— Oprah Winfrey

I am not advocating that you stop communicating with such people. Alas, such people can be among our relatives and very dear people. Remember to accept people for who they are BUT don't let their toxicity affect your life. Along the way, fill your life with like-minded people.

Be prepared to face resistance from others as you begin to implement the new rules. This is quite possible, because you are no longer comfortable. Don’t worry, because our task in this life is: TO BE HAPPY, not comfortable!

Happiness is possible only if a person lives HIS OWN life, OWN opinion, OWN plans and does NOT depend on the opinions of others. If you are reading this and understand that life is not going according to your scenario, then it is NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE IT! The choice is made only by you!

“AS LONG AS YOU BREATHE, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!” Film "Moving Up"

Only you are the directors of your own destiny! Remember this!

Seek help

Dealing with a toxic relative is a psychologically challenging and emotionally draining experience.
Therefore, you need to gain strong support from outside. Share your problems with loved ones, trusted friends or family. Read books about dealing with abusive family members to hear other people's stories. This way you will get more information and find new strategies.

You may be able to find a support group. For example, there are organizations that help those who suffer from alcoholism in their relatives.

You may want to seek professional help from a psychologist to work through toxic relationships and their consequences.

Why is this “poison” needed?

Toxic people take special pleasure in causing problems for others. The idea of ​​universal equality and prosperity is not for them. Unfortunately, they masterfully turn any situation into a stressful one. And stress, as we know, does not bring anything good to a person. His performance and well-being deteriorate and, in general, the entire team can suffer from one such “poisonous source”. After all, toxic people receive satisfaction only when they manage to create problems and anger others, spoil the mood and destroy favorable relationships in the team.

How to deal with toxic people without harming yourself

Help yourself

Self-help is vital to maintaining mental health.
And it takes on special significance in difficult situations. Make time to meditate, journal, relax in a hot bath, or do anything else that brings you joy. Daily affirmations will also help.

Treat yourself kindly, encourage yourself. Focus on the positive by listing things you are grateful for every day.

Remember: your value is not diminished if someone is unable to see it.

4. Using your body as an ally

Be extremely attentive to your body language so as not to unknowingly provoke conflict.

How do people perceive information?

• 7% are words, i.e. what you say.
• 38% is the tone of your voice, i.e. how you speak.
• 55% is your body language.

The fastest ways to anger a toxic person:

• Turn away, turn your back, thereby showing disrespect.
• Look down. This is how you show that he is not your equal.
• Take a closed body position, i.e. cross your arms, legs, slouch, as if being in the position of a victim. This body position can provoke the desire to attack you more and more.
• To yawn. You show that you are so bored talking to him that you are unable to hold back a yawn.
• Showing tongue and other indecent victims. It is clear that after such gestures it will be difficult to agree on anything.

Be Responsive

Despite the difficulty of the task, showing compassion to a harmful relative can be beneficial.
However, this does not mean that you should excuse his behavior. It's just about recognizing that he is not a bad person to begin with. We are all imperfect. He ended up in his current situation due to difficult life circumstances or lack of skills. Each of us has our own problem that we are trying to cope with, and we all make mistakes sometimes. It's part of human nature.

Active listening

Active listening will help you take control of the situation. There is a high probability that if you pointedly ignore toxic people, they will attack you even more aggressively. Using active listening tactics will show that you fully understand what they think is a serious problem. In addition to the fact that a toxic person can calm down if you listen to him, you can also look at the situation from a different angle and find an option that suits everyone.

What is active listening?

1. During active listening, you should not interrupt your interlocutor or criticize his statements. Just nod your head to the beat of what you hear, thereby showing that you are listening.
2. After your opponent has spoken, repeat the gist of what he said.
3. Summarize what has been said and ask a clarifying question.

There is a high probability that the person will stop attacking you, since you paid him due attention and listened to him.

Situation

Always find out what is behind a conflict situation. In my practice, there was a case when a client came for a trial lesson, but there was no trial lesson that day. She began to swear heavily, but when they began to understand the situation, they found out that she had signed up for a trial lesson at a competitor’s company and had simply mixed up the address.

Therefore, in conflict situations, it is important to understand what is behind it. If there is no serious reason here, then the conflict can be quickly resolved.

What if it didn’t work out?

What if all this doesn’t work? Well, that happens too. If you understand that there is no way to cope with the situation, and the person is literally destroying you, filling you with toxins above the waterline, the best solution is to stop contact. Break up, resign/fire, remove from all contact lists and other social networks. Stop all one-on-one communication. Toxic people won't leave you alone. They do not consider this necessary, and they simply do not know how and do not want to do so.

Remember: when poisoning occurs, the first task of the doctor is to remove it from the body, and only then eliminate the consequences of its effects. So it is here. First, remove toxicity from the environment, and then put yourself in order and draw conclusions. But first, it is important to make a decision and say to yourself, and then to the toxic environment: “Farewell. I don't have any internal resources for you. I will need them for my own life."

Why is it important to get rid of (and get rid of toxic people on time)?

Ill-wishers, wittingly or unwittingly, hinder your normal life and slow down the process of comprehensive development in every sense. You miss the most important moments in your life, reconsider important decisions, lose friends and opportunities, and even gradually (oh horror) turn into a toxic person yourself. And this continues until you realize that you have become a victim of such a person, and until you protect yourself from his harmful influence.

A toxic person could be your boss, your best friend, your parent, or even your significant other. And, if it is easy to isolate a toxic stranger (simply not communicate), then with all of the above the situation is more complicated. Well, how can you isolate yourself from the man you live with, from your friend or your boss?

These toxic “parasites” are akin to energy vampires - they eat our joy, receiving more satisfaction the more angry and upset we are. And there is nowhere to hide from them...

The result of communicating with a toxic person is always conflict and stress, and the latter, getting out of control, begins to poison consciousness, health, etc. That is why it is important to identify such people in time and protect yourself from their toxic influence.