Find and neutralize: 4 ways to deal with toxic people

It is believed that a family should initially be loving and safe, but this is not always the case. Some native people are destructive, difficult and dominating

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It is especially difficult if one of the parents turns out to be a problematic family member. How to deal with this?
As a child, I had a harmful relative. I know he loved me, but he was missing some life skills.

Sometimes it was fun and joyful with him, but there were cases that I don’t want to remember. I often encountered harsh criticism, scolding, and rejection caused by his high expectations.

The driving forces behind my behavior were shame and guilt. I often could not predict what would irritate this member of my family. I endured explosive and sometimes violent outbursts of rage.

Much of my childhood was confusing, sad, and terrifying. It still affects me to this day. Unfortunately, as a child, I did not know how inappropriate many of his actions were.

I also didn’t know how to fight such treatment. Now that I have matured, we managed to reconnect. For this we needed to separate. And each of us had to change our behavior.

We don't always get along, and sometimes hurtful remarks do slip through. But now I am able to maintain a relatively pleasant and comfortable relationship with this relative.

It is believed that a family should initially be loving and safe, but this is not always the case. Some native people are destructive, complex and dominating. It is especially difficult if one of the parents turns out to be a problematic family member.

In any close relationship there are disagreements and difficulties.

We all have family members with whom we clash over music, life decisions, or politics. We usually spend the necessary effort working on the problem or simply smile politely and ignore it. However, toxic relationships are those in which one person emotionally or physically ruins the other's life on an ongoing basis.

This kind of behavior is not acceptable, even if such a person is part of your family. Your priority should be your health and emotional balance. If someone puts them at risk, the situation needs to be corrected.

How can you tell if someone is causing harm?

Here are some examples of behavior of a problematic family member:

• Constantly inserts offensive comments.
• Doesn't support you if it's not beneficial for him.
• He has an unpredictable, complex character.
• Uses your time, skills or money.
• Emotionally manipulates you to control your behavior.
• Refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
• Makes decisions for you.
• Shows a lack of empathy towards others.
• Blames you and everyone else for his problems.
• Uses violence or aggression to get what they want.

It is clear that this behavior creates an unhealthy environment and can have a negative impact on your health and well-being. For example, it might call:

• anxiety;
• depression;
• fear when being near this relative;
• shame or guilt;
• low self-esteem or self-doubt;
• difficulty forming emotional intimacy with other people;
• inability to trust your gut or intuition;
• distancing from others;
• aggression as a form of defense;
• sleep problems.

No one is able to control someone else's behavior. It is impossible to force another person to change their actions. The only thing we can control when we are in a toxic relationship with our family is our own reaction. It's up to you to take care of yourself.

The psychologist told how to protect yourself from toxic people

Surrounded by residents of a big city, there is almost always a pessimist, always offended, a quick-tempered person, there are always scandals and squabbles around him, if after communicating with him there is a feeling of devastation, then he is a toxic person. The first thought is that you should limit communication with such people, but what to do if these are close people, colleagues or relatives?

It is important to maintain emotional distance, says family psychologist Lyudmila Tkachenko. “It's important to keep your emotions in check, and sometimes it's better to choose a neutral approach, such as nodding and agreeing,” she says. “As an example, if you are comforting your upset friend, don’t let her make it a daily tradition, otherwise you will become bogged down in her feelings, which will affect your emotional state.” You need to keep your distance, building a constructive dialogue, without absorbing negative information, this is the only way to develop an internal filter from other people’s bad emotions and problems.

“A good way to neutralize a toxic interlocutor is to ask him the question: “How and when are you going to solve your problem?” He will either change the subject or shut up because he is going to complain rather than solve the problem. Remember that only the search for a solution is constructive, not worry,” adds Tkachenko.

It is equally important to reduce communication with toxic people. For example, if there is a negative colleague at work, then communication with him can be reduced to resolving work issues. If we are not talking about work mates, you can put calls and notifications from toxic callers on silent mode. “Toxic people need a response, and if they don’t get it, they move on to the next “victim.” Alternatively, for some people you can become a very boring, unmotivated interlocutor who cannot be angered,” notes Tkachenko.

Also, when communicating with toxic people, you can openly say what exactly doesn’t suit you, in this case, either the person will begin to change their behavior for the better, or will stop communicating with you. The psychologist advises developing the ability to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. “All toxic people are manipulators. They need to make it clear that you can stand up for yourself and are not going to be manipulated by him. A good way is to set time limits for communication. For example, if your friend is a toxic person, set a time limit for communication, explaining it with tasks that cannot be put off. If communication with her cannot be limited at all, suggest that she address her problem to a psychologist. If a colleague violates boundaries, provokes conflicts and “puts a spoke in our wheels,” it’s worth talking to your manager about the division of responsibilities between you,” the expert emphasizes.

The psychologist recommends in all situations to take responsibility only for yourself, and not for the problems of other people, because the goal of a toxic person is to shift this responsibility onto the shoulders of others. “You were asked for advice, you expressed your opinion on how to solve this or that problem, but this decision turned out to be wrong. You will be the last one in this situation, and you will be made to feel guilty. Stop all possibilities of involving you in solving the problems of toxic people,” Tkachenko concluded.

Seek help

Dealing with a toxic relative is a psychologically challenging and emotionally draining experience.
Therefore, you need to gain strong support from outside. Share your problems with loved ones, trusted friends or family. Read books about dealing with abusive family members to hear other people's stories. This way you will get more information and find new strategies.

You may be able to find a support group. For example, there are organizations that help those who suffer from alcoholism in their relatives.

You may want to seek professional help from a psychologist to work through toxic relationships and their consequences.

Why are toxic employees dangerous?

They are like snakes: they poison colleagues, the work atmosphere, and the general psychological climate in the team with their poison. This is if in general. In addition, toxic employees interfere with work in the following specific ways :

• demotivate the team. This is especially pronounced if the toxic employee is a charismatic person who is able to lead others. Word after word, sabotage after sabotage, and now executive workers are already dancing to the tune of one, stronger one;
• cause a split. If there are other dissatisfied people in the team, you can bet anything that they will unite and form an opposition “committee”. This is fraught with a split in the team, division into opposition parties and general discord. Nothing good will come of this. It happened that after such a split, people left companies in whole groups;
• undermine the authority of the leader. And this is true: if the boss, for some reason, tolerates such a person in the team, it means he cannot cope with her. Subordinates are not fools and will quickly recognize this weakness;
• interfere with the work of normal employees. When passions run high in a team, one half expresses dissatisfaction, the other fights with them, how can they normally fulfill their duties? Even if a peaceful employee is not involved in the fight, office wars still affect his mood and performance;
• slow down and complicate business processes. When one important part in the car breaks down, the car does not drive or drives poorly. It’s the same in a company: one disrupted business process leads to others, and as a result, work slows down or stops altogether.

In general, you understand. Now let's look at what types of toxic employees are most common and how to get along with them . We are not considering the “fire immediately” option: we are civilized people, let’s try in an amicable way first. Dismissal remains a last resort, but it may come to that.

Help yourself

Self-help is vital to maintaining mental health.
And it takes on special significance in difficult situations. Make time to meditate, journal, relax in a hot bath, or do anything else that brings you joy. Daily affirmations will also help.

Treat yourself kindly, encourage yourself. Focus on the positive by listing things you are grateful for every day.

Remember: your value is not diminished if someone is unable to see it.

Who are the negative people?

A negative person is someone who constantly complains and dumps a lot of their problems on you. He won’t lift a finger to solve them on his own, but he will pleadingly and sometimes demandingly cry out for help. If you even once follow the lead, you will be made responsible for all the misfortunes that have happened or will happen in the future to such a person.

A negative person will never support you. Moreover, he is ready to make every effort to ensure that your idea fails. If you start losing weight, expect him to visit with a delicious cake. If you quit smoking, he will happily blow smoke into his eyes. Your failures and feelings of powerlessness make him happier.

Negative people, as a rule, are completely closed to criticism and perceive it extremely painfully. They do not want to change themselves and hate any attempts to change the existing order of things. Someone else's success causes them irritation, and failure causes ridicule. A negative person sees only the bad in everything, does not believe in his own strength and spreads an atmosphere of despondency and hopelessness around him.

Why is it so important to banish negative people from your life? There are three main reasons.

1. Negative people prevent you from growing and achieving your goals in life. They discourage you from taking action, sow doubt and lead you astray.
2. The negative energy of such people affects your energy level. They can also cause stress and anxiety.
3. Your life directly depends on those around you. The more negative characters there are, the more difficult and down-to-earth it will be. Positive people will help you achieve what you want, negative people will turn your life into a swamp in which you will drown.

Be Responsive

Despite the difficulty of the task, showing compassion to a harmful relative can be beneficial.
However, this does not mean that you should excuse his behavior. It's just about recognizing that he is not a bad person to begin with. We are all imperfect. He ended up in his current situation due to difficult life circumstances or lack of skills. Each of us has our own problem that we are trying to cope with, and we all make mistakes sometimes. It's part of human nature.

Why is it so important to get rid of people who make your life miserable?

It is very rare when ill-wishers completely interfere with all your attempts to change for the better, but it does happen. Basically they slow down your progress.

The main thing is, do you want a person in your life who is actively preventing you from making your life better?

The answer is, of course, no. This may be hard for you to accept, but not until you realize the impact his company is having on you.

Under the influence of a person who is poisoning your life, you may reconsider an important decision. You may feel sad, uncomfortable, and downright ashamed of your progress. You may even adopt some of the poisoner's bad qualities, such as becoming jealous of someone else's happiness. Because all toxic people have one thing in common: they want you to become like them.

Most often, we simply do not realize that someone’s behavior is poisoning our lives. If you have a boss like this, then you understand how it works: his behavior makes you irritable and angry, you lash out at your subordinates, then the employees begin to conflict more and more with each other, and then they transfer this irritation to their family and friends. And before you knew it, the poison had already spread.

Pessimist

Pessimism is a state of mind in which absolutely every situation is seen in the darkest colors, and only the worst solution is expected.

Pessimists are negative people who should also be avoided because they can easily drag you into their land of black thoughts. As soon as you notice that someone is influencing you in this way, run away! Don't give up your positive energy.

To make matters worse, pessimists are such negative people who very often create difficult and scary situations in which they are unable to meet and attract other people.

Even if we offer them a thousand ideal solutions, the pessimist will still look for the negative sides of the idea. Don't waste your energy on such fights.

Instinctive hostility does not exist

— Other people are always mirrors for us. What offends others, what is incredibly popular or incredibly annoying, should be read as a signal that provides information about oneself.

For example, we are terribly annoyed by a colleague who has done nothing wrong to us. Moreover, he may not pay attention to us at all, but we look at him and simply lose our temper. There may be several reasons.

Victoria Markelova, psychologist. Photo from the site vdohnovimir.ru

Liar

Lying or innuendo happens to everyone, but if someone you care about constantly deceives you, it means you don't respect your personality and your emotions. This is another type of negative person that should be avoided by avoiding unnecessary problems and troubles.

It's worth noting that some of these people don't even realize that they are being fed lies every day. Don't feel guilty about wanting to cut them out of your life. Do this for yourself and your own comfort and safety.

Also recommended - A woman’s birth month says a lot about her personality

Quotes on how to deal with negativity

“Failure is an opportunity to start again, but more wisely.”

Henry Ford, automobile designer, founder of the Ford Motor Company.

“Failure is also success if we learn something from it.”

Malcolm Forbes, son of the founder of Forbes magazine.

“Success has many authors, but failure has none.”

Peter Sauber, engineer, head of Formula 1 teams

Miser

Greed is one of the worst traits a person can have; a miser - no matter how much he has - he will always find a reason not to share what he has with others.

We are not just talking about material and economic issues here; all you need is a lack of willingness to help others.

Greed is not always selfish, although we often associate such negative people with this patch. However, they are very often people who are very happy to lend a hand for something that is not properly theirs, but when they can help in some way, they suddenly disappear into thin air.

Also those “friends” who are never there for you when you need them. Trust me - you don't need to worry about them.

What else can you do?

First of all, you need to pay attention to yourself and take measures to ensure that such situations do not happen again. If you allow bullying in a team, who is to blame? If employees drink tea instead of working, who contributed to this, at least indirectly? You yourself know the answer.

So, what measures should be taken to prevent toxic manifestations in the team?

1. Keeping people busy is the most effective method. When working hours are barely enough to complete all tasks, there is simply no time left for complaints and intrigue. True, in this case there is a danger of new complaints - and from adequate employees. They are definitely not to blame for anything!
2. Develop a set of rules that regulate working and personal relationships in the team. Try to anticipate all situations that may arise. Familiarize each employee with the new decree and post a copy in a visible place.
3. Develop a system of punishments. Introduce sanctions for failure to comply with the rules: fines - very carefully; it is possible to reduce the premium. Yes, you yourself know. A disciplinary violation, for example, is punishable by a reprimand, a severe reprimand, up to and including dismissal under the article. If a person clearly knows that he will be fired for such and such a violation, there will be fewer people who want to continue.
4. Improve the psychological climate in the team. Even if a toxic employee wanders into your friendly team, don’t let one fly in the ointment ruin the whole barrel of honey. Try to correct the person with kindness: surround him with care, give him a mentor, hold a joint corporate event.
5. If the poison has already begun to act, take immediate action! Try to cope on your own or invite a consultant or coach. Go together to a training or any other team-building intensive.

If this doesn’t help, it’s time to say goodbye to the toxic employee. You did everything you could - if a person doesn’t understand, that’s his problem. Don't let one single poison ivy choke your entire company. Get rid of ballast and move forward with adequate employees. Good luck!

Why can't we overcome the evil that pervades our world?

How to put out a fire? Water. But for some reason we fight fire with fire and want it to go out.

How is that?

By responding with evil, we only make each other worse, corrupting ourselves.

We are deceived when we say that we took revenge on someone so that he would understand something and become a better person. This is just an excuse. This was done simply for his own satisfaction.

Energy vampires

It is important to be able to distinguish people who are simply unpleasant to you from energy vampires. Let's look at the signs that there is an energy vampire in your environment:

• After talking with him, you feel a loss of energy and a worsening mood.
• He is constantly dissatisfied with life, his conversations are based on negativity.
• Tries to establish tactile contact.

Energy vampires themselves usually do not suspect that they are such. They feed off the positive energy of other people. It is often empathic individuals who are most susceptible to their influence. When communicating with an energy vampire, you lose energy, which affects your mood and physical well-being.

Important: If possible, you should avoid such people.

But if you meet such a person at work, then this is not a reason to quit. There is no guarantee that such a person will not be found in another workplace. You need to be able to get along with such people. Therefore, it is important to know how to protect yourself from an energy vampire at work .

• Don't react to provocations. Energy vampires love scandals, this is how they feed on energy. It is important not to react to provocations and remain calm and unperturbed. Avoid any disputes and quarrels.
• Don't be sorry. If a colleague starts complaining about life, then you can start complaining about your own in return, but even more. You can also change the topic to something more positive. The main thing is not to feel sorry for the person, not to let him pass on a negative attitude to you.
• Avoid unnecessary contacts. Communicate only on business and avoid unnecessary conversations with energy vampires.

Negative people can be found anywhere, and it is not always possible to completely eliminate them from your life. But, you need to stop them from taking your energy and not share the negativity with them. Constantly communicating with a negative person can not only ruin your mood, but also affect your health.

What to do with the negativity inside yourself

How to abstract yourself from the negativity that is present inside you? Emotions and humor are the main tools for installing a powerful shield. It will protect you from internal negative manifestations. You will learn to manage your emotions and appreciate the power of humor, and you will also understand how to “attack” negative events and negative people. You realize what luck is.

Scientists have found that luck is not only a favorable combination of circumstances, but also a person’s willingness to take advantage of them, the ability to go beyond the proposed situations, a kind of expansion of consciousness. Richard Weissman, a professor of psychology from the University of Hertfordshire (UK), author of the book “The Luck Factor,” came to this conclusion.

Taking as a basis the principles of probability theory and quantum mechanics, he conducted an amazing experiment on people who consider themselves exceptionally lucky or, conversely, unlucky.

The scientist gave the subjects a very thick newspaper and asked them to accurately count the number of pathological photographs in it. At the same time, on one of the pages, among many advertisements, Weissman placed a call with the following content: “Tell the experimenter that you saw this, and you will receive a reward of 250 pounds sterling.” This ad was in large print and took up half the page.

However, it turned out that none of those who declared their bad luck before the test paid any attention to this text. These people were busy mechanically following instructions, that is, counting photographs.

“The reasons for the bad luck of losers lie within themselves,” Weissman noted. — As a rule, such people are tense, neurotic, tense, unsure of themselves and complex. And this constant inner restlessness blocks their ability to notice something new and unexpected, to listen to their intuition and to see the random opportunities that equally occur on the path of all people.” As you can see, the negativity they carry within themselves ruins their lives.

find out

How to get rid of negative obsessive thoughts?

Keep a diary of feelings

Photo from godlifechurch.me

The second step is keeping a diary. It is necessary to describe in writing as detailed as possible what specifically irritates a person. We take a notepad and draw a table in three columns. The first is the cause of irritation, for example, “he sits and spins in his chair” or “laughs insincerely when talking to his boss.” The second is my feeling that arises about this. Third - how, in my opinion, an “irritant” should behave. We keep such a diary for at least a week, with all care.

We need to start analyzing the issue point by point, that is, very clearly, on paper. Because when everything is only in thoughts, it scatters in all directions. I need to clearly write down what I specifically don’t like, what annoys me.

It is necessary to write down all the details - it’s not just annoying and that’s all - but you don’t like the way he talks, or ingratiates himself with the boss, or sucks up to everyone, is a hypocrite, puts on airs, brags, etc.

There will be several results here. Firstly, we will bring out the feelings and emotions that previously tormented us from the inside. Secondly, we can figure out for ourselves whether there is something in ourselves that irritates us so terribly. Or maybe we really don’t, but we really want it?

In my practice there was a very quiet and modest girl who was afraid to speak out and speak. And her colleague at work wouldn’t shut his mouth. That is, she told everyone exactly what she thought.

And this irritated the quiet girl to the point of fainting; she called her colleague an upstart, and vain, and worse.

But in fact, she wanted to be able to be so decisive herself. But for a very long time she did not want to admit to herself that she also wanted to be able to behave so openly. That is, in fact, she liked the quality that her colleague had and the lack of which she was so upset about.

Or another example. Let's say I'm incredibly annoyed by the gossip that a person engages in at work. Then I need to track how I behave myself, and then ask: “Am I not gossiping myself?”

Your first instinct will be to say “no.” But take your time, think about it, and then try asking someone you trust. You need to learn to watch yourself carefully.

If the cause of irritation and hostility towards another is found and eliminated, then the irritation goes away.

When a person admits that he is also not a saint and can also gossip, be jealous, boast, etc., he becomes more tolerant of those who are also not saints. This is a rule: the more tolerant we are able to treat ourselves and accept ourselves with shortcomings, the more tolerant we treat others.

If I discover in myself the same qualities that irritate me in another, I go to confession, and then say: “Okay. If God forgives, then why don’t I forgive myself?” Then I can be tolerant of others. That is, I will treat myself with love, and I will treat others with love.

This does not mean that you need to be tolerant of objectively bad actions and manifestations. Love the sinner and hate the sin.

Get to know the enemy better

“The absence of enemies testifies to the insignificance of nature.” These words belong to Abraham Lincoln. “If we do something worthwhile in life, we inevitably encounter the interests of other people and cannot always come to mutual agreement with our opponents,” he said. – Enemies are inevitable. Another question is: is it possible to coexist peacefully with them? I conquer my enemies by turning them into friends."

Turning enemies into friends is aerobatics, not accessible to everyone. But is it really possible to keep the enemy within the framework of relatively peaceful coexistence?

Photo: MTRK "Mir"

Psychologists say that before you draw conclusions about a person, you need to distance yourself from the situation that makes you consider a colleague your opponent, and try to examine his motives.

“There are different enemies,” says psychologist Sergei Klyuchnikov

. – Some of them are truly your conscious and consistent antagonists. Other people become our persecutors due to some temporary discrepancies and can then calm down. Sometimes hostility occurs due to psychological incompatibility or fear of losing one’s position at work.”

To understand how to behave with the enemy, the psychologist recommends understanding why and how your enemies became them. Was it possible to bypass this hostility? Didn't you inflame it yourself with your careless actions? Study how hostility manifests itself in each specific case: is it open aggression, or hidden intrigue?

Manipulator

Another negative person who definitely needs to be kept at a distance are manipulators. They are not always easy to identify because they are smart and cunning; they use a range of techniques and methods to always get what they want.

With determination, they also avoid any confrontation that might reveal their evil intentions. They are usually hiding somewhere in the background, trying to manipulate your emotions, make you feel guilty, or blame you for the situation.

The more sensitive and empathic you are, the easier it is for them to target you because they see you as weaker and more vulnerable to manipulation.

Negative people of this type also do not want you to achieve your goals because they care about your own affairs. Run away from them as soon as you recognize them because their influence can be destructive to you.

Forgotten problem

Photo from ndtv.com

And finally, the fourth reason for “instinctive hostility” is some kind of repressed trauma.

It happens that a person cannot stand a certain type of people. For example, tall and thin. He cannot stand them to such an extent that he cannot even touch them without disgust - it’s the same as touching an insect. Such things may be tied to some repressed childhood traumas. Maybe an adult, tall, thin uncle approached a little girl at the age of three and scared her with something. In the unconscious part of the psyche, fear remains and is consolidated. Then a person grows up and no longer remembers, but this suppressed, forgotten, repressed, associated with some kind of trauma or unpleasant situation, develops into such hostility.

This can happen not only in childhood, but in adulthood something happens to us, and the psyche works in such a way that we forget it.

If it is very unpleasant, then we convince ourselves that it did not happen.

Nevertheless, the image that traumatized us remains, and we will feel hostility towards it, without understanding why we feel this.

Jokes

- Well, did you have a fight with yours?

- No, it didn’t work out.

“You were going to give him a hard dressing down and all that?”

- Yeah, try it when he tenderly declares to you at any rise in his voice: “You are so touching when you are offended, and so sexy when you are angry!”

Joke.

“It’s time for him to grow up” is a phrase that whiners and bores use to describe interesting people.

Author unknown.