What to do if my mother constantly yells at me over trifles - advice from a psychologist
A short preface. In my distant youth, while receiving my first education, I did an internship in a kindergarten. The nuances were erased from memory, but one moment was clearly imprinted. The mother brings her son and kindly advises: “Don’t babysit him, this one (here a savory swearing epithet addressed to a five-year-old) doesn’t understand well. If anything happens, yell or smack harder!” And she reinforced what she said with a poke. I, a seventeen-year-old girl, fell into a stupor; I thought the baby would shrink and get scared. No, I took it as the norm. Because for him this was the norm - the closest person brings up swear words. By the way, the boy understood perfectly well without strong words, slaps or threats. Later, while studying developmental psychology, I analyzed that case. The boy mentioned and kids like him are psychologically flexible. And the fact that mothers constantly scream does not turn them into downtrodden creatures. Of course, this style of upbringing affects the worldview, socialization, and the ability to quickly adapt, but a naturally strong psyche serves as a powerful airbag.
“At the age of forty, the realization suddenly comes that my mother never loved”
Over the years of practice, I have heard stories from clients that make my blood run cold. These are stories of how the dearest person - the mother - humiliated, beat, neglected, abandoned, raped, crushed, ignored, insulted, intimidated.
Memories are not always saturated with pain and bitterness. A person who grew up in such conditions does not understand WHAT happened to him and HOW he was treated. For him, this is the only possible option, this is “normal,” and he didn’t know any other way. Memories are shared with frozen faces and glazed eyes, because this is an area of trauma and pain - and you don’t want to relive it. The episode where the mother is beaten with a belt until she bleeds is told as an ordinary biographical fact.
It takes time for clients to start crying in sessions, that is, mourning these moments and connecting with them. And then, as if from Pandora’s box, all the taboo feelings towards mom come out: discontent, fear, rage, resentment, hatred, envy. At the same time, the mother remains a mother, affection and love for her does not go away. Such ambivalence - I love and I hate - drives me crazy, it’s hard to come to terms with it, it requires separate work.
It happens that, having matured, you cannot forgive your mother - communication with her is too destructive and wounding, and then you have to conditionally say goodbye to your mother.
In addition to the tsunami of feelings, many questions emerge: why, why, when, what were you thinking about. In my experience, the main questions are “Why did you give birth to me?” and “Do you love me?” A person may not voice them right away, but they have torn him apart since childhood. If you treat me like this, then why do you need me? Is this love? This is a very painful question, and the answer to it sometimes destroys a person. At the age of forty, the realization suddenly comes that my mother never loved, but gave birth out of stupidity, childhood and ignorance. And this is not the worst option yet! It happens that they give birth for the sake of an apartment or benefits.
After such a “discovery,” psychotherapeutic work changes course. Firstly, in the direction of experiencing grief and loss (loss of hope that mom will change and love). Secondly, towards building a new picture of the world, in which the mother is who she is, even if she is frankly bad. And thirdly, towards life without resentment towards the mother.
When non-intervention is criminal
We found out what grown-up children should do, but what should the little ones do? Who should preschoolers go to, who should they count on? On other adults - father, relatives, neighbors, passers-by, fellow travelers. Indifference in such cases can be criminal, and if behind the wall there is swearing, regular children's sobs, sounds indicating violence, it is necessary to intervene!
I once read discussions in which people shared non-standard ways to solve various social problems. One forum member wrote: “New neighbors moved in, and on the very first evening a masterly obscenity sounded from their apartment. And female. At first I thought it was coming off on my husband, but no, on my little daughter. I listened for a day, two, and on the third I wrote a letter in which I colorfully told what I thought, where I would turn, what consequences awaited the loud-voiced, unrestrained madam. That’s it, the screaming has stopped!” I believe, since tyrants are often cowardly, it is enough for them to understand that you are aware and are not going to remain silent. Other approaches are possible, but ignoring any manifestation of aggression towards children is unacceptable!
Mom insults me
Name
: Andy
Hello! Help me with advice, tell me what to do next, I’m already completely confused myself. I'll go to 11th grade. I study normally, good student. I read books, in my spare time I study psychology, philosophy, and sometimes I draw. Like many people my age, I surf the Internet. Well, this is so you have an idea about me.
Now about the problem: I have a complete family, mom, dad, we love each other very much and support each other. I'm an only child, so naturally I get all the attention. My parents always take care of me, at a younger age they paid me a lot of attention, on weekends they took me to museums, exhibitions, cinemas, and just all walked together. Everything was fine with us, of course we fought, but this is probably the case in all families. Yes, they dressed me well too. We are not rich, but I didn’t feel disadvantaged in any way. And now, about what worries me: since childhood, when my mother and I fought, she often insulted me with various nasty words, called me a fool, and at the age of nine she called me a bitch. Like this. We used to make peace and I forgot everything, well, that’s normal. In the years 13-15 there was a period when everyone turns from children into teenagers, and I am no exception. All problems seem global, etc. My mother is hot-tempered, and here I am still growing up. They fought, they made up, but to tell the truth, looking back now, sometimes the quarrel happened because of my mother. Maybe she was having a bad day, so I was always the first to go and apologize. I just wanted to make peace and forget everything. I understood that I had a lot of problems, because my parents worked to feed and clothe me. Now I’m already 17, almost an adult, but we still fight with my parents, even over nonsense. Mom has become even hotter, on the contrary, I am trying to smooth out the conflict. My dad and I hardly ever quarreled before, he often defended me, but now he, too, gets irritated and can say things rudely and respond. But this is nonsense too. Mom began to insult me even more. She can start swearing out of nowhere, I’m always at fault, I didn’t calm her down, that’s why I get it. She can call me a stupid creature, an ungrateful brute, a dumbass, a nit, I apologize for the details. But what hurts me most is that my mother screams that I won’t be able to go anywhere, that they won’t take me anywhere, that they’ll take anyone but me, saying that no one needs such idiots. I am very upset, because throughout the 10th grade I tried to improve my studies, my grades at 9 were bad, I moved of my own free will to another school to start all over again, so that the new school would treat me well, as a smart girl. I don’t go out at night, I’ve never gotten involved with bad companies, I have one friend, just like me, we’ve been friends for 2 years, she supported me when supposedly “friends” turned their backs, she’s an excellent student, very kind... I have more friends so far and it’s not necessary, but my mother shouts, again, during scandals, that I have no friends. I am generally a sociable person, I find a common language with everyone. When my parents work, I constantly clean the apartment and prepare food. I can say that I try to help my parents as much as I can. Here's the story. I talked about the insult with my mother, asked not to do this again, my mother says as usual, you calm me down... Of course I’m trying, but after a dose of the words “stupid creature” and “ungrateful brute” I’m hysterical, I can only lock myself in my room and sob. He says, how will I continue to live if someone I don’t know says this to me? It won’t matter to me even if they tell me, BUT MY BIRD MOTHER TELLS ME THIS! The only way I see after school is to go to the capital, go to university and live in a hostel.
What do you think I should do? Maybe you had a similar situation, how did you cope? I love my parents very much, they are wonderful people, but after such words I want to run away and cry so that no one can see. It's upsetting to me
Similar
How to communicate with adult sons
You need to talk to older children. About everything. About joys. And about troubles and problems too. Do not swear, do not make a scandal, do not cry (this is the lot of emotionally damaged people, the lot of neurasthenics, the lot of people with low culture), but rather talk, talk about your problems. Not about everyone at once - this can alienate (even a loved one), but by identifying one or two problems.
Your adult son (or daughter) deserves to be greeted by you not with an offended expression on his face, when the corners of his mouth are sadly and reproachfully lowered (they say, look son, how bad, disgusting, inattentive you are and...), you need to tell the story without breaking into pathos and repeating two or three words later in memories, how hard it was for you to raise him and how you spent sleepless nights when he was sick with whooping cough, and how you cried with him when in the 5th grade the girl Katya responded to a declaration of love , snorted contemptuously and... turned away, muttering through her teeth that “Petya’s outfit is cooler and his dad doesn’t walk around...”.
An adult son should be greeted with a smile (preferably not forced), seated almost immediately at the table, where two minutes later there should be a cup of hot and tasty tea and something else tasty (just tasty, not tasty) - a couple of pies, or buns, or... The son should feel that he is in his own home, where at any time of the day he is the most, most, most welcome (no, not a guest) person, closer and dearer than whom there is no one in the world.
So how should it be?
This is what I said about what not to do. Okay, so what should we do? In fact, this is not even one question, but two. First of all, what should you do right now, at this moment, when mom (or dad) is already screaming? And secondly, what to do later (speaking in adult terms, “in the long term”) so that there is much less screaming in your family (or better yet, that there is none at all).
Let's start with the first question - what to do when the conversation has already begun in a raised voice. We must listen to everything in silence. Do not interrupt under any circumstances. Wait for a pause (and a pause will certainly arise, because a screaming person needs to take a breath). And when mom temporarily fell silent, say in a very calm tone: “Mom, don’t yell at me. I already understood everything.” Or: “You misunderstood me, let me explain it to you again.” Or: “Let me explain to you why I am asking permission for this and that.”
Keep in mind: this does not necessarily work right away. It is quite possible that another scream will be heard - and a long one. In this case, you need to wait again. Silently. Under no circumstances should you respond to aggression with hysterical screaming. Wait for a new pause between insults, shouts, accusations - and calmly continue to stick to your line.
But keep in mind: it is very difficult to listen to a cry in silence. This requires enormous willpower from you. It's good if you have it really huge. And if not? What if, no matter how hard you try to listen to the screams in silence, at some point you can’t stand it and scream too? Then we must mentally note: I also lost my temper. And at the next pause, say: “Mom, I’m sorry, I was yelling at you just now, I was wrong, it was impossible!” By the way, it is very possible that your apology will influence your mother - she will look at herself from the outside and realize that she also screamed, but, unlike you, she did not ask for forgiveness for it.
How mothers can avoid hurt feelings
Anyone who wants to enjoy life, try to understand (the sooner the better) that the life of an adult son belongs only, exclusively to himself, not wanting to fit into the Procrustean bed of your plans. He, your son, lives his life. It’s not for nothing that in Rus' they said and say: “Plans at home are no good on the road.”
Rejection and misunderstanding of this fact leads to chronic resentment. And do not try to hide your problems from your son (sons) - this does not lead to good things. As well as the collapse of a mass of accumulated problems (all at once) - as a result of a showdown, interspersed with tears (and what flows from the nasal passages) and cries. Such communication is unproductive.
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“Every mother lays out in front of her child the path he should follow.”
Mom is the first person in everyone's life. She doesn’t just bring you into the world, she tells you through herself, as if through a prism, about this world: is it good or bad, is it scary or safe, what kind of people live there, and how the whole story will end. Mom, with her behavior, words, mood, views and laughter, lays such a basis, such a foundation of our personality that many of its characteristics cannot be changed in any therapy.
We learn all theoretical knowledge about the world, about people and about relationships through our mother. Precisely “through”: she may not say “don’t trust anyone, they will betray you,” but she will behave in such a way that you will internalize this reality, and perhaps you will never be able to doubt it.
The role of the mother cannot be overestimated, since even her absence affects us. It has been proven that deprived children grow up sick, anxious, have difficulties in learning, establishing contacts and are prone to addiction.
The episode where the mother is beaten with a belt until she bleeds is told as an ordinary biographical fact.
Mom is not just the body that carried us and gave birth to us, it is a guide not just to the physical world, but also to the world of relationships, feelings, rules, creativity, freedom. Every mother lays out a road for her child to follow, the bricks of which she herself is. For every child on earth, a mother is a sacred figure, a semi-deity, although just a person, with her own fears, traumas, pains, sorrows, inability and ignorance.
It happens that you are lucky with your mother, and your mother has nothing to do with it. It happens the other way around, and then the mother is really to blame.
