How to decide on a second baby? How to overcome your fear? Adviсe

The baby is one month old: “I will never give birth again!”

The child is one year old: “It’s so hard, how do women cope with two?!”

The child is three years old: “What a cute baby sleeps in the stroller, I want a second one!”

Such thoughts probably visit every second girl, but is the fear of having a second child justified and how to overcome it if you dream of a large and friendly family?

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Motherhood as a feat

No one prepares the mother of her first child for the difficulties of pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year of a child’s life; she herself follows an unbeaten path, where there are many “bumps” and “holes.” After such a “baptism of fire”, it seems that you will never set foot in this river again!

But here’s the paradox: time passes, and you increasingly look at babies and imagine how your children read books together at night, race to finish porridge, or fall asleep in a hug. And the first-born himself keeps hinting at a new addition to the family, leaving his peers crying on the playground. What to do? Give the world a little life again, especially since it will only bring benefits for your firstborn!

The more children there are in a family, the more sociable, relaxed and cheerful the child grows. Brothers and sisters learn from each other so quickly that no super developmental technique will be more effective. Children in a large family are simply HAPPY children, because only adults think about difficulties!

What are you afraid of? Be honest with yourself. You shouldn’t dismiss it with the generally accepted “we can’t handle it.” These excuses are suitable for annoying relatives who think that it’s time for you to get a second one.

It’s worth finding YOUR fear, boldly looking it in the eye, and... driving it away! If you can already imagine how you feel the kicks in your tummy again, how you rock your baby and sing a lullaby, how you kiss tiny fingers, then you really want to become a mother again. Why deny yourself such happiness?

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Health anxiety

Photo source: shutterstock.com

“The first child was born healthy, but the second may be born sick,”

- a thought that should be excluded from your head at the stage of its first appearance. If all tests and examinations are normal, and the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, the risks are minimal. If any problems arise, doctors will do everything possible to avoid pathology for the baby. Mothers with such fear should carefully monitor their health throughout pregnancy and do everything so that the baby in the womb develops without the mother’s stress. Do not forget that a full comprehensive examination before planning a child is an 80% guarantee of a successful pregnancy.

“It’s too late to give birth!”

. If you believe the statistics, the average age for the first birth among women in our country is 27 years old, therefore, the youngest children in Russia are born at about 32-35, but this is not at all a critical threshold when it comes to repeated births. You shouldn’t be afraid of the title “old-born”, which is so fond of “awarding” patients in maternity hospitals; this medical mark is placed much earlier, so with a 60% probability you earned it at the birth of your first child. Moreover, the average age of parents is getting older every year, so your maturity is unlikely to be a real issue during pregnancy, birth or after. But you will be able to give your second child parental wisdom and authority, and yourself youth in your soul for many years to come!

“The first birth was difficult, the second will be the same”

. There are many reasons to be afraid of this, because it all depends on why the first birth turned out to be a difficult ordeal. If it is possible to prevent this in advance, you can find a doctor whom you trust, discuss with him the expected birth scenario and talk through everything, down to the smallest detail. Well, if natural delivery is definitely excluded, and fears of an “epidural” are great, you can organize a caesarean section under full anesthesia.

By the way, the second birth is an excellent opportunity to arrange everything the way you want. Was partner birth a bad idea? - Give birth alone. If you don’t like one, ask your spouse to be present or sign a contract with a doula. Did it seem easier to give birth standing? – Choose a maternity hospital with vertical birth capabilities. The same applies to birthing in water, with musical accompaniment or with a personal midwife. Now you will no longer enter the maternity room with trembling knees and eyes round with fear, you know everything, which means you can prepare!

Housing problem

“How I want a daughter, and my husband is asking for a second one, but the mortgage is nipping all our dreams in the bud! We’ve only been paying for two years, and there’s another eight to go. With two children it will be a bit cramped in a one-room apartment. If only we had a bigger apartment, I’d already give birth to my second, and maybe even my third!” — says young mother Tatyana Nesterova. And she is not alone in her thoughts.

When is the best time to plan a second pregnancy?

Are you sure that one day you will be able to buy a huge apartment with panoramic windows and a flower garden on the balcony? If not, is it worth postponing the birth of a second child for the sake of ghostly meters? If so, how can a baby prevent you from getting a spacious home? Just think how lucky your firstborn is, he has a loving mom and dad, and he doesn’t even know that he needs his own room. PARENTS need it, but he, on the contrary, wants to always be near you.

How to solve a problem?

Get on the waiting list to expand your living space or take advantage of social support programs.
Collect all financial reserves, receive maternity capital, and buy your home with a mortgage. She, of course, “bites”, but you can’t live in a rented apartment all your life.
Take advantage of a mortgage with government support. By the way, the program has been extended until the end of this year and helps save a tidy sum.
Buy land and start building a large family “nest”.
If it is not possible to expand your living space, then simply arrange your “nest” for two children.

Does a baby need that much space? In your heart, yes, but not in your apartment. Just a piece of your bed or a corner for a cradle. The baby will grow, but you won’t sit idly by either. Someday the children will definitely have their own room.

Psychological fears

“Will I love the second one as much as the first?”

- a question that worries absolutely every mother. Of course, it is difficult to imagine the emergence of a second center of the universe like the only child in the family now. Experts advise trusting your instincts - as soon as you take your youngest newborn in your arms, see how unnecessary these fears were, because love for your children is genetically embedded in a woman. Do you agree that before the birth of your first child, you also didn’t know what a strong wave of feelings would engulf you in relation to him?

“What if I love the younger child more than the older one, or vice versa?”

- and this is also unlikely. You will love the baby who behaves better at a particular moment, and this cannot be avoided. But overall, both of them will be the most expensive and most loved.

“What if the first child gets jealous and feels unwanted?”

- this will not happen if you initially do not separate him from the younger one, either during pregnancy or after. Psychologists recommend immediately presenting the situation in such a way that you are all expecting your second baby together, and you will also take care of him together. While you are pregnant, together with your elder, arrange a corner for your future brother or sister, go to an ultrasound together, come up with a name for the baby, discuss how you will spend time together. Be sure to remind the first-born that, despite his new role as the eldest child, everything will remain the same and he will not lose his beloved mother. Consider in advance how you can allocate individual time for your first child when it is just the two of you, and let him know. Also allocate personal space for the older one so that he can spend time without the younger one.

By the way, experts call sending the elder to grandma, to a camp or to the dacha for the period of birth and the first weeks of a newborn baby’s life a parental mistake. If you don’t want to make your first-born feel like you’ve gotten rid of him for a while, you shouldn’t “send” him away. An older brother or sister will also be pleased to meet a new family member from the maternity hospital, go with him on his first walk and watch him get his first bath. This is how the older child’s feeling of caring for the younger one arises.

It is believed that the relationships between children in a family are largely determined by the difference in age. It is optimal when the arrival of the youngest child in the family occurs during the period of “babysitting” for the elder – this is from three and a half to five and a half years. They won't notice their age difference, but raising such kids will be extremely difficult for their mother. According to psychologists, a difference of three, seven or thirteen years would be undesirable, since these are children’s crisis ages, and the appearance of someone else in the family may be perceived with hostility. A difference of 4-5 years will help maintain the hierarchy between children, and a gap of more than 6 years will turn the older child into an additional parent and protector of the younger one.

“I can’t pay them a decent future”

This is my option, my “stop” for the second baby. And it’s not that I’m afraid of financial problems myself; I don’t want my children to feel them. In a year and a half of motherhood, I have already imagined my baby as an excellent student, an athlete, and a student at a university in the capital. An annual subscription to the children's pool costs as much as a vacation in the Maldives, but I'm afraid the family budget won't be able to afford two subscriptions.

The child grows, so do the costs. Beanbags and onesies give way to scooters and branded jeans. Is it better to give one child all the best?! No! Your main task is to give your child the right to life, and financial difficulties must be resolved as they arise.

Life is so unstable, if you are afraid of everything that has not yet happened, you can go crazy. Admiring your newborn baby and hugging your sleepy kittens, you are unlikely to remember that you denied yourself another handbag.

At the birth of the second child, the mother of the first child psychologically dies!

Protect yourself from financial problems:

Create a “safety cushion” in advance, save up some money that will be useful during maternity leave.
Change your “gray” salary to a “white” one even before your second pregnancy, then you can count on a normal maternity benefit, which is 40% of your salary.
As soon as your second baby is born, get in line at the nursery; if necessary, you can go to work early.
Don’t be lazy and apply for all state, including regional, child benefits.
Take advantage of your right to benefits. For example, all medications for children under one year of age should be given free of charge; ask your pediatrician for this.
Think about remote work; millions of women combine freelancing and motherhood.
Don’t rush to sell and give away your first child’s things; if the children are same-sex, then you won’t have to buy anything at all.
If “finances sing romances” and the baby is about to be born, register in groups on social networks where mothers sell used baby items or even give them away for free.

Watch the recording of the webinar “Working on maternity leave online. Step-by-step instructions on how to make money with a child in your arms" (free in ViLine.Club)

Why shouldn't you be afraid of a second birth?

Most women with many children claim that each subsequent birth was much faster and less painful. There is a logical explanation for this: the body has already been in labor, and the woman knows how to behave. The woman in labor understands what stage she is at now, how to act to make the fetus pass more easily through the birth canal, and how to reduce her pain.

As obstetric practice shows, the period of contractions during the second birth is reduced by an average of 3 hours. Moreover, after the first birth, the tissues of the birth canal become more elastic, which increases the speed of fetal passage.

In addition, if the second pregnancy was planned by a doctor, and the woman honestly followed all his instructions, then there is no reason to worry: the body was completely restored after the first birth and received enough vitamins, both before the second pregnancy and during it.

Goodbye career!

“I haven’t been able to find a normal job for six months now, five years on maternity leave are taking their toll,” a friend complains to me.

After such words, you involuntarily understand that a second maternity leave can put an end to your career.

Is there a way out?

Just accept that you will devote yourself to your children.
Find a nanny for two children at once.
Open your own business, change your profession, work remotely.

Agree, even the first year and a half on maternity leave can hinder your career growth. At first, you will have to “get into” work for a long time, your young kindergartener will often get sick, and you will also have to refuse business trips. And the second decree will not change this situation much, so you should not be afraid of it.

Preparing the firstborn for the arrival of the second baby

The story of Ainura, 27 years old:

“I am 3 years younger than my sister, and since childhood we have been very friendly. It was my sister who taught me how to dress dolls, put on makeup and communicate with boys. I think that 3 years is the most optimal difference between two children. My Danial is already 2, and I seriously think it’s time! Moms, I understand that everyone has their own logic in the matter of having a second child, but I will share my thoughts.

My friend, who has five children, simply explained her condition: “I can’t live without a little baby!” I heard the same words from her happy husband: “You should hear the steps of a 2-year-old toddler at home!”

Having heard such unanimity, I also agree with them, I understand that I can no longer live without the little tasty baby lying in the cradle, smacking its lips so funny in his sleep! My Danial seemed to have recently smiled his toothless smile, cooed funny and twitched his arms, and now he is already running around the yard with all his might.

I’m even afraid to meet friends who have just recently had children - this fragrant smell of milk and warm diapers drives me crazy - I just want to immediately give up all my plans about work and driving a car and rush for the second one!

When should I give birth to my second? I am sure that all babies should be born at the moment when you definitely WANT another BABY! Not when you want a daughter or son as a friend for your first child, but simply when you have a wild desire to become a mother again!”

Universal laws of psychology and medicine

Physiological concerns

They are especially relevant if during the first pregnancy there were risks of carrying a healthy child, weak labor was observed, the baby was born by caesarean section, or there were serious ruptures and other injuries.

The second pregnancy requires preliminary preparation, it is important to exclude all chronic diseases, visit the dentist, drink a special vitamin complex, monitor the level of progesterone in the blood using appropriate tests, etc. With a second pregnancy, a woman may encounter varicose veins, hemorrhoids, she also needs to be prepared for this, visit a proctologist, therapist, check the functioning of the cardiovascular system

With a second pregnancy, a woman may encounter varicose veins and hemorrhoids; she also needs to be prepared for this, visit a proctologist, therapist, and check the functioning of the cardiovascular system.

A second pregnancy may be difficult if the following factors occur:

woman's age over 40 years;
break between children for more than 10 years;
chronic age-related disorders;
the presence of abortions and miscarriages after the first pregnancy;
negative Rh factor;
serious gynecological diseases;
lack of physical fitness.

Doctors say that the second birth goes faster than the first, the stages of labor are the same, and the postpartum period lasts about half an hour

It is important to call an ambulance before the start of amniotic fluid, so that pregnancy does not start on the doorstep

Features of the second pregnancy

Pregnancy becomes noticeable already in the second or third month, and movement occurs at 17-18 weeks.
The fetus is located lower, this increases pressure on the lower back and spine, so wearing a bandage at this time is recommended by experts.
It is necessary to be careful about physical activity, especially when you have another small baby in your arms.
The belly drops a couple of days before giving birth, and not a couple of weeks, as during the first pregnancy.

History of Saltanat, 39 years old:

“My eldest son was 3 years old when I found out about my second pregnancy. I had already returned from maternity leave and was working; my husband was at home with my son. Having learned about her situation, she told her husband, he was happy and supported: “Nothing, there’s enough food for everyone! We can handle it!” I did not share his enthusiasm, and threw a tantrum, feeling sorry for myself (“overweight again,” “again this swelling and poor sleep at night,” “unstable financial situation,” and so on). But my husband and mother were adamant in their positive perception of the news and encouraged us: what if we have a girl, a little princess and, in the future, my mother’s assistant?!

The eldest did not understand my bad mood, asked why I was in tears, and when I said that I was waiting for Lyalya, he replied: “Is there really another way out? I need to bring Lyalya out into the light!”

I looked at my belly and thought why the second baby is worse than the first, why don’t I want to give birth so much? I couldn't find an exact answer. I chewed my snot for two weeks, then went to the doctor and decided to have an abortion. I took tests, the gynecologist says that the child is developing normally, I’m fine too...

Nevertheless, I came on the appointed day for the operation, but then my legs gave way... I simply could not sit in the chair and burst into tears. Smearing tears down my cheeks, I told the doctors that I was going to give birth! Having registered, I took the tests again, my gynecologist was so happy, as if she had found out that she herself would soon become a mother.

...I became the mother of a daughter, my delicious and sweet girl, this is the most important gift from the Almighty! So many bright things happened after the birth of my baby, although I’m omitting all the details now. I just want to thank Allah again for giving me time to change my mind and I was able to give birth to a healthy child! Dear women, do not have an abortion, take care of your babies! This is a real gift from God!”

There is a mother who still doubts whether to give birth to a second child, being pregnant, our readers will probably be able to cheer her up with words of support:

Pathologies in the child and mother

Of course, when the first birth ends not with a happy discharge and joyful moments, but with the mother and newborn being transferred to a hospital, such an event is difficult to forget. And many who have already experienced this are scared to give birth to a second child. “I’m afraid that everything will happen again,” say desperate women. But this can be changed if you understand the situation more deeply. Firstly, no two births are the same, and the fact that there were certain problems during the first does not mean that they will happen again.

In addition, it would be a good idea to visit an obstetrician and find out why this happened. For example, during the first birth a woman had multiple ruptures. She was stitched up, and all this caused her psycho-emotional trauma

But it is important to find out why this happened. So, as a rule, ruptures occur due to infections of the female genital organs (cocci, candidiasis)

In addition, they can occur if you push incorrectly or do not listen to the instructions of the obstetrician at the most crucial moment. Instead of being afraid of this situation, it is necessary to realize it and draw conclusions. Perhaps you should more carefully choose the maternity hospital and the doctor who will deliver the baby.

If the fears are related to the child’s illness, then a genetic examination should be performed. Such analysis allows you to identify anomalies and prevent them in advance.

Ready for a second child

Many girls are scared to give birth to a second child. Afraid of not being able to cope, they wonder if there is any way to test their readiness for a second child. There are also two factors for this in psychology:

Physical – mother’s health.
Psychological – readiness for pregnancy and childbirth on a subconscious level.

And in order to determine psychological readiness, you should ask yourself the following questions:

Do I enjoy raising children?
Do I want the house to be noisy and fun?

If you answer these questions positively, then you are ready for a second child, and the fears that overcome you can be dispelled fairly quickly.

To summarize, we can say that the question: “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child. What to do?" quite popular these days. Many women spend years thinking about what to do and cannot find a solution. In any case, you must take it. Don't let other people force their opinions on you. If you feel that you are neither physically nor mentally prepared for a second pregnancy and childbirth, you should openly tell your spouse about this. The decision to add to the family must be mutual, otherwise only one person will be happy, while others will suffer.

Deciding on a second child is not difficult if you note for yourself all the pros and cons of this event and turn to your family and friends for support. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to parents who already have several children. Find out how they organize their day, how they manage with babies, and then you will definitely understand whether they are ready for a newborn or not.

Financial difficulties

And they exist in almost every family. Rarely can anyone say that their financial situation is excellent. In any case, another child in the family can have a very good impact on the budget. “I'm afraid to give birth to a second child. What if we can’t provide it?” - These are questions that concern many parents. But in reality, there will definitely be money for the baby. If you have a reliable person next to you, a husband who really wants another child, he will definitely do everything in his power so that his beloved and children are happy and do not need anything.

Don't sleep at night again

Sleepless nights are over. The first child already falls asleep on his own, does not wake up to eat, and does not suffer from colic in the tummy. Is it really all over again now? Bruises under the eyes, everything falls from the hands due to fatigue, readiness to fall asleep even in an upright position.

Stop! It's definitely time to put this fear aside. Firstly, it is not necessary that the second baby will be as “restless” as the first. Don’t set yourself up for “defeat” - who knows, maybe the child will sleep peacefully all night long, gently waking you up for a late dinner at night (eat and go back to sleep). And secondly, you have impressive experience in building your own schedule to suit your child’s daily routine - put the acquired skills into practice.

You can't forbid being beautiful

Such a familiar phrase for a woman who is pregnant for the second time only causes an influx of sadness. You can hear from your mother: “I’m very afraid to give birth to a second child, because I’ll get fat.” In addition, the first year after childbirth is usually quite difficult. Mom doesn’t get enough sleep, doesn’t rest well, and has bruises under her eyes. But this period can also be avoided if you approach the problem correctly. It is advisable to create a schedule for yourself, your older child and your newborn and try to stick to it. You should walk with your children as often as possible, do exercises with them and do not forget to take time for yourself. When the baby goes to bed during the day, the mother should do the same. Then you won't be so tired and will look much better. If you organize your sleep and wakefulness correctly, you can be beautiful and attractive even with a newborn child.