Having an affair with a married man is not the best scenario for a love relationship. Girls who happen to fall in love with a “ringed” man themselves understand everything perfectly well. But you can't order your heart. They wait and believe in a happy ending to the story. They try to be the best, take care of the chosen one. Is the game worth the candle, and can you count on a “happy ending”? Let's look at the most obvious signs that a man will never divorce and will never be with you.
I propose to discuss the topic. Write comments at the end of the article. Have you had any experience with married people?
Why is a relationship with a married man doomed to failure?
There are situations when a relationship with an unfree man is beneficial - for example, when a woman herself is married and only wants a romantic relationship on the side.
But most often, those who are looking for a serious relationship fall into the love networks of “married people”. Such ladies naively believe in the conversations of their beloved about the fact that he sleeps in the kitchen, constantly quarrels with his wife and is generally very unhappy in his marriage. This illusion can maintain a relationship for a very long time, but in the end it will still collapse someday. The result is loss of time, nerves, decreased self-esteem and a feeling of deep dissatisfaction with life. Let's figure out why a married man almost never leaves his wife. He's comfortable. No matter how cynical it sounds, between passion, romance and the usual, quiet evenings watching TV, a married man will always choose the latter. Any person gravitates towards some kind of stability, this is how our brain works, for which “stable” means “comfortable” (even if this means quarrels, misunderstandings, lack of sex). And in an established marriage, most often, even if there are large “emotional holes,” there is an established, well-functioning way of life that is difficult to abandon. In the end, after a hard day at work, a man doesn’t want to think about his feelings for you at all, he just wants a familiar dinner, boring conversations, and quietly “getting stuck” on social networks.
Secondary benefit. Again, an insufficiently warm and loving relationship can be to some extent beneficial to a man - if earlier, for example, he tried to prove something to his wife, to sort things out, now, with a mistress, at home it is convenient for him to be indifferent and cold. It’s convenient to come, brush off difficult conversations with your spouse, and just play “dance.”
Your affair only strengthens his marriage. Yes, yes, that’s exactly it - you are not a homewrecker at all, but on the contrary. Having a mistress is always a man’s unconscious attempt to save his marriage, to find, roughly speaking, that “plug” that will plug the “hole” that has formed in the family. It is for this reason, by the way, that a man, as a rule, chooses the psychological opposite of his wife for the role of his mistress - so that the puzzle of all his needs comes together. And the longer you maintain a relationship with a “married man,” the more balance his married life comes into. For example, a man can receive emotions, great sex, intense quarrels in a relationship with you, and at home - comfort, constancy and care. Or, a typical infant may be an obedient and thrifty “good boy” at home, and a sexy superhero who feels needed and important on the side.
In fact, you don't want this yourself. And of course, it’s not always just about the man. If you constantly fall for married people, then, most likely, you are unconsciously striving for a relationship in which your partner will be unavailable to you. This happens, for example, if you are afraid of emotional intimacy or traumatized by the negative experiences of your parents, and try to avoid creating your own family. In this case, it’s convenient for you to be a kind of “holiday woman” who doesn’t have to think about what to cook for dinner, endure scattered socks or someone else’s snoring at night.
In any case, if your loved one is not free, your relationship will most likely remain in the “illegal” status. If you're willing to accept that, then great. If you still want a harmonious, healthy union with someone who you don’t have to hide from friends and parents, then you should think about breaking off ties with the married man.
Escape from the relationship model4
Living with a mistress is not always a good decision. New happiness ends very quickly when everyday reality begins. Some men wake up from sleep after a year or two. They claim that they are in another marriage and are starting to miss their previous wife and family. Often, unfortunately, it is too late to save the old relationship.
A man is running away not from a woman, but from a relationship model that he cannot change. It is not the woman, but the relationship that becomes a prison for a man. He is enslaved by his internal blockages and limitations. He feels depressed, used, enslaved, criticized, underappreciated.
Emancipated women and free men are an example of modern culture. You can hear it everywhere - let's not limit ourselves, let's enjoy life. Relationship difficulties increasingly affect those who live with intense internal conflict.
On the one hand, life is full of images of the freedom that people should enjoy, so many opportunities, so many adventures around. On the other hand, being with someone for a long time has also become fashionable. However, this is not easy, so when men destroy relationships and leave, they blame their partner for everything. This is a rationalization so as not to feel bad, not to feel guilty.
How to break off a relationship with a married man?
Think about the prospects
Of course, it can be extremely difficult to get out of a relationship with a married man - after all, all the disadvantages of a joint, routine life with him pass you by. That is why it makes sense to evaluate, in principle, the hypothetical prospects for such a connection. First, sensibly evaluate the personality of your beloved, and think about whether you could, in principle, live with this person, even if he were free? Taking into account all its features? For example, excessive pedantry or, conversely, chaos? Most likely, it’s unlikely, given that the wife who has been tolerating him all these years is your antipode. Secondly, sensibly assess your real prospects for communication with him. What will happen in a year? And in five years? Are you ready to spend all this time on the thankless role of the “waiter”?
Think about the "cons" of your relationship
Formulate everything that does not suit you about your loved one - unpleasant traits of his character, painful feelings that you experienced due to his fault, unpleasant situations, etc. It's better to write it all down on a piece of paper. Next to this list, write what you like about the relationship. Then evaluate the resulting lists, and honestly answer yourself the question - are you ready to continue to endure all this that you don’t like, for the sake of the “bonuses” described? Is it worth it?
Cut off all contacts
Relationships with a married man are quite toxic in the sense that they do not have clear boundaries and rules. It is for this reason that it is difficult to break them up - for example, you can break up, but then get sad, and call him for the night, then again, and the relationship will gradually be restored again. It is for this reason that if you have already decided to break up, then close this door properly. Block your lover everywhere on social networks, stop following his life, or remember those moments when you felt good. Remember: the period after a breakup is just like the flu, you just have to get over it.
Get busy with your life
For a long time you were on the sidelines not only for your partner, but also for yourself. It's time to fix this - think about what you want, what you dream about, do interesting things, meet friends. Your task is to fill your life with activity as much as possible, even if you don’t want to do it at all. At first it will be difficult, but believe me, after some time life will be filled with new emotions and impressions, and it will become easier.
Can a man love both his wife and his mistress at the same time?
A man who finds himself at the top of a love triangle approaches relationships with a degree of pragmatism. His wife supports his life and gives birth to children. The mistress satisfies his needs for passion and relaxation. For some, this becomes a dream and goal. Such a lover does not let go, and why? Each of the women benefits him. But truly deep feelings for both are doubtful.
What exactly should you not do?
Call his wife. Many mistresses, desperate to turn the situation in their favor, decide to “open the eyes” of their beloved’s wife. Thus, they want, on the one hand, to take revenge, and on the other, to provoke a break in this love triangle. However, most often this step will not bring the desired result. As a rule, the wives of cheating men are well aware of this, or at least guess. Moreover, if a man has not just a one-day affair, but a long-term relationship on the side. Do you think that if his wife continues to be with him, your frank confession will fundamentally change something? Most likely no. Yes, there will be a scandal, yes, perhaps your loved one will be kicked out of your house for a while, but gradually everything will return to normal.
Give ultimatums. “It’s either me or the wife,” you might say, trying to manipulate the breakup. But in such a situation, the man will most likely try to sit on two chairs again and will simply play for time. He will tell you, for example, that he has already filed for divorce, but “the situation is difficult, we have small children, everything will drag on for a long time,” “my wife is depressed now, I can’t leave her, we have to wait,” etc. Well, besides, any ultimatums drive a person into a corner, and this causes nothing but irritation. So it’s unlikely that after this you can count on any kind of trusting, warm relationship.
Throw yourself into a new relationship . After a breakup, the temptation is very great to plug the “emotional hole” inside with a new romance. However, most often in this state we choose a partner impulsively, get disappointed very quickly, compare him with a former lover, and end up feeling even worse.
When the reason is your mistress
There are women who are truly different from the rest. Men are afraid to lose them and won’t let them go. Temperamental beauties have a special attractive aura or know how to manipulate men so much that they simply lose their heads and only the remnants of prudence do not allow them to abandon their legitimate family and follow the enchantress into the sunset. In this case, responsibility for the extramarital affair lies with them.
Causes pity
Homewreckers often use the famous “damsel in distress” pattern - and men willingly fall for it. This may be the reason that a married person does not dare to break off an affair. After all, his secret lover is so helpless - and all the other men only used her, and she cannot cope with everyday life alone, and the evil people around her constantly strive to offend her. How can you abandon a fragile little girl in a huge, cruel world? Next to her, anyone will feel like a knight saving a defenseless lady.
Causes feelings of guilt
A woman enters into a relationship with a married man for various reasons. There are many women who, due to their age, try to have time to give birth to a child for themselves from a handsome and intelligent man. If she manages to get pregnant, the cheater may continue to date her out of guilt.
Threatens and blackmails
Despite the title of the weaker sex, there are real predators among women. If they feel that a man’s heart is starting to float out of his hands, they use all available means. If the carrot doesn't work, let's use the stick. Such mistresses collect incriminating evidence in advance and actively use it when trying to break up. Those who have developed a passion at work are especially at risk of falling into this trap.
Pursues
In an effort to win a man over to their side, homewreckers do not allow him to forget about himself: they flood his messengers with thousands of messages, force meetings, and may even come to his home. If she works in the same organization with her lover, she literally takes up residence in his office. Of course, she does this without pressure, trying not to scare off with her persistence. Sometimes it works: a man submits to the gentle bonds and does not let go.
Male gaze
To get your husband away from his mistress on your own, it is important to understand that men and women think and perceive emotions differently. In general, men are much better at separating work life from family life, sex from romance, and mistress from wife. They may mentally jump from one mode to another throughout the day.
Some spouses say they need time to think. They want you to give them time and space, presumably to figure out what they want. It never happens like that.
The spouse already knows what he wants and will not waste time fighting his decision. This is a delaying tactic so that you can simply enjoy your other relationships while your wife is not around.
As long as a man can keep all relationships separate from each other, there is no problem. Therefore, he can make his wife feel that he is still in love and an hour later enjoy life with his young girlfriend.
A woman can do this by pretending, but a man is actually able to have two types of relationships with his wife and with his mistress, interacting sincerely with both.
What to do if your mistress has or will have a child from her husband
If your husband’s mistress gave birth to a child for him or became pregnant and plans to give birth, you must first of all soberly and carefully protect yourself and your children in the property sphere. The best way out is a prenuptial agreement and alimony agreement. The marriage contract must redistribute the property that already exists, as well as provide for the redistribution of the planned property. The alimony agreement provides for the maintenance of the wife and children. A child born by a mistress, if the husband’s paternity is established, will not be able to claim the property that belongs to the father’s abandoned wife or half-brothers and sisters.
Advice from psychologists
For your husband to decisively leave his mistress, your love must be strong.
The spouse will need a lot of endurance to properly get out of the situation with betrayal. A wife must be able to communicate with a man and attract his attention. It is very important that she does not quarrel with him and is not passive. Neither one nor the other will help to reunite.
For a husband to leave his mistress, the marriage relationship must take into account the needs of both.
The wife should help her see the best choice. Ideally, the husband should want to return to his wife because he understands her value. Men hate giving up what they consider valuable.
Love must be patient
You need to choose the right time to force you to choose between yourself and your lover. Sometimes this happens at the very beginning, as soon as the fact of betrayal comes to light, sometimes only after the relationship between the spouses has strengthened.
You shouldn't force a choice while your marriage is weak. His choice will be easy.
It was no coincidence that the rival appeared
Some men can have an affair and remain married for many years due to their ability to mentally compartmentalize life. This is especially true if the other woman plays along in keeping the secret.
The mistress often assumes that the husband is suffering in his marriage. He probably told her that he had been planning to leave all along.
A man who lies to one woman will easily lie to two. Cheaters often use words as a tool rather than as a way to honestly express feelings.
Another woman is not a problem. If it weren't her, it would be someone else, there's nothing magical about her. She's just an opportunity that's been jumped at, so don't get too caught up in thoughts about your opponent.
If you want to discourage your husband from his mistress, it is important to realize the real problem - the loss of connection with your partner. This is why a spouse doesn't care enough about the marriage to remain faithful. He's willing to risk losing it.
Don't think that if your partner doesn't care about marriage now, then he never did.
First reaction
Even though your spouse is having an affair, he will most likely blame you for it. Be careful not to fall for his accusations. Even if a man can point to specific harm that you caused, this does not justify his affair.
Cheating did not happen because of what you did, but because of what the partner receives from the other.
It is important not to remain in defensive mode. Apologizing or trying to make amends will not help make your husband leave his mistress. Blaming the wife is only necessary so that one does not feel ashamed of what the man does. It helps to appear like a victim when in fact you are.
