Why is the wife constantly dissatisfied with her husband?

Husbands are often perplexed: why does their beloved woman in marriage suddenly or gradually turn into a dissatisfied, critical, grumbling “stranger”? Let's discard those cases when the reasons for such behavior lie on the surface (the partner drinks, is idle, or is aggressive). The greatest bewilderment of the spouses is the fact that the wives behave this way against the backdrop of relative prosperity in the family. Yes, it’s never ideal, but mysteriously, dissatisfaction becomes expressed even if there are no acute problems and basic needs are satisfied. Often, as a reason for divorce, representatives of the stronger sex cite the fact that the wife is constantly dissatisfied with her husband, criticizes him excessively and even humiliates him. But even without leaving the family, husbands may not be able to withstand such pressure and withdraw themselves (start drinking, cheating, or showing coldness). The difference in psychology and thinking style complicates mutual understanding between spouses and threatens a happy and prosperous marriage, so it makes sense to understand what reasons motivate the fair sex to behave this way.

Stress, chronic fatigue syndrome

The modern woman is the “breadwinner” in the family together with her husband. But the realities of the labor market are such that women have to either compete fiercely for a place on the career ladder, or put up with routine responsibilities that are not always interesting to them. All other things being equal, a Russian woman earns less than a man, and the level of tension in women's groups is often very high. Traditionally, representatives of the fair sex work in the most psychologically difficult areas: education, trade, customer service, social security. Together with household chores, the workload becomes serious. Professional burnout and chronic fatigue syndrome are not some abstract terms, but something that happens to 8 out of 10 women after several years of hard work.

And, as a rule, completely unconsciously, a woman “pours out” her dissatisfaction on the one who is closest to her - her husband. In this case, grumbling, criticism and negativity find a “false addressee”: everything unspoken to the boss, the team, and the customers falls on the head of the innocent spouse.

Yes, of course, such behavior of a woman indicates insufficient skills of reflection and self-regulation. But a truly loving husband can hear a cry for help in his partner’s grumbling: “I can’t cope, I feel bad, I have no one to express this to except you!”

Psychological problems

A wife who is constantly dissatisfied, aggressive and allows herself to insult her husband may behave this way because of a deep intrapersonal conflict that she transfers into her relationships with loved ones.

The basis for this condition may be the following factors:

fears (that her husband will leave her, cheat on her, fears for the well-being of children, financial stability, etc.);
post-traumatic disorders (surviving an accident, a threat to health, material loss, solving a big problem and much more can affect them even after a long time against the background of complete well-being; while it was necessary to overcome a real problem, the woman held on with all her might, and then the psyche in a calm situation began to give out reaction);
complexes (due to a changed figure, age, orientation towards inflated living standards, disappointments in one’s dreams, etc.);
family attitudes (this is how her parents behaved);
codependency, the Karpman Triangle trap;
anxiety and inability to regulate one's emotional states.

Neurotic manifestations can also be caused by a woman’s chronic dissatisfaction with receiving rewards from her partner in accordance with her leading love language. Garry Chapman's classic work on this topic perfectly illustrates that a husband may not be aware that he is not giving his wife satisfaction in something that is fundamentally important to her. For example, he spares no expense on gifts, but she needs the opportunity to spend time together. A chronically dissatisfied woman begins to break down, subconsciously feeling that there is nothing to lose, because her husband does not give her love.

But still, open aggression, the desire to humiliate and insult are signs of more serious psychological problems than a mismatch of love languages.

Lack of mutual understanding

Different goals and values often become the cause of conflicts. Even if they coincided at the start of a marital relationship, life significantly changes the partners and their aspirations. For example, a young couple initially planned to move to another region. But over time, the husband, having found a job that suited him, decided that there was no point in making efforts to achieve this goal. The partner, not seeing any prospects for herself, wanting better opportunities for the children, is still determined to leave. If there are significant differences in life goals, a woman begins to “remind” a man of her values in one form or another. If the partner ignores the words of his wife, does not engage in dialogue, does not fulfill his promises, discontent accumulates and is expressed in an increasingly aggressive form.

Depressed woman

Due to the peculiarities of the psyche of the fair sex, mood swings, a negative attitude and groundless criticism of the husband are possible due to the depression the woman experiences. If his wife nags him, cannot hold back tears or hysterical displays, and does not control her words, it is worth thinking about what lies at the root of her condition.

The so-called “depression with a smile on your face” has become the norm of modern life, when neither the woman herself nor her loved ones correlate mood swings and hysterics with psychological problems. “Everything is fine,” “I’m fine,” and then a breakdown for no apparent reason or because of a trifle.

A woman is especially vulnerable during periods of hormonal changes. Postpartum depression, associated with a radical restructuring of the entire body, the woman’s condition during the feeding period and the stress of caring for the baby can lead to inappropriate and illogical actions on her part. At these moments, it makes no sense to look for a rational explanation for the spouse’s behavior. This is the influence of hormones, which a woman in a weakened state cannot cope with. Some diseases can have the same effect on the female psyche. It is necessary to first provide assistance to the partner to stabilize her condition and improve her health, including finding a doctor and/or a qualified psychologist.

Age-related manifestations, also associated with changes in hormonal status, can also be the reason why a wife constantly nags her husband.

Fading feelings

Falling in love and mutual attraction gradually weaken, or even disappear completely, in any relationship. And if the spouses have not been able to move to a higher level of love, tenderness, and care towards each other, based on intimacy and knowledge of the partner, then negativity and mutual grievances can accumulate.

A woman tends to react more emotionally to fading feelings. Her feelings are connected not only with the fact that she no longer feels attractive to her husband. Ladies also worry that they themselves are no longer passionate about their spouse. All those little things that seemed insignificant in the wake of falling in love suddenly become huge “stumbling blocks.” The lack of spark in a relationship makes it meaningless for a couple to exist together. Many ladies say: “We live like roommates, united only by a common mortgage.”

Typical example:

“My wife is impossible to please. We have two children who go to school, we have been married for 10 years, we both work full time. No matter what I do, she is always unhappy, even if I try to do my best or give up things to do her errands. The list of tasks she writes to me for the week is huge. Very often I am the one who takes care of the children, taking them to school, taking them to classes.

I have to ask her several times every day how she is doing. At least once a week she gives me a dressing down. And during the day he can make several comments. This has been going on for about two years and I am very tired of it. I began to think that I couldn't do anything right. I let her relieve the tension by swearing at me.

Recently I went to football with my friends; it was the first weekend in six months that I allocated for myself. When I returned home, she was furious. Then she didn’t talk to me for a week. We decided to fix everything and went on a romantic date. But even there she could not relax. We ended up bickering over little things instead of enjoying our vacation.

Why does my wife scream and swear at me? How can I help her relax? All my friends are married, most of them do much less housework, and their wives hardly scold them. I also want to be happy, how can I get my old relationship back?”

Why do women manipulate men?

It is important to understand that not every girl is fully aware of her motives. To do this you need to have a handful of cynicism and a couple more pinches of selfishness.

But, by nature, many women have a desire to “tame” a man. And such an ambition has a very good reason. A depressed man has no power over the relationship. This means that he will not be able to put forward sharp ultimatums like “Either you stop your nightly walks with your girlfriends, or we are breaking up,” or simply break off the relationship. After all, a woman does not want to be abandoned. A woman wants to manage relationships herself, to act solely at her own discretion. And break off the relationship if she wants it, or if it becomes profitable (a more successful couple turns up).

Now let's move on to the main thing - what tools can be used against a man.

What does a psychologist say in such cases?

This is a typical situation in which both are to blame. It is understandable that you, as the author of the request, may say: “But she takes it out on me and gets angry much more often.” You may not even agree that this is your fault either. Okay, let her be the active aggressor and you the passive aggressor. But you both are pragmatic towards each other, and it's time to stop.

Accept as a fact that a family with two children, where both work full time, is a difficult case. This is objectively true. Love is a wonderful feeling, having two children is an amazing achievement. Having a job that you're happy with is also a great thing. But when you try to put it all together, there aren't enough hours in the day. And this happens not once a week, but every day. Until one of you collapses from fatigue.

Family psychotherapy

Psychologists studying the level of happiness among family people have noticed that at the age of 20 everyone says that they live wonderfully. Then everything goes in a downward direction until the bottom is reached at 40 or 50 years old. During this period, people feel especially unhappy. And then things gradually begin to return to normal, and happiness levels rise until they peak in their 60s or 70s.

What's happening? Children leave family nests. And both parents can again live for themselves, pursue their own hobbies, without looking at anyone around them. Life turns out to be calmer and more harmonious, the feeling of happiness returns again. There are fewer obligations, and spouses can focus on what they have dreamed about all their lives. They may return to old hobbies: going to yoga or repairing and restoring antique cars.

Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash

Many families, even today, can afford one non-working spouse. But in the described situation this does not happen. Both are forced to work and raise children. The husband and wife have practically no time for themselves or for rest. That is, both exist in terrible stress and constant time pressure. Reactions to this stress can be very different, sometimes spouses begin to fight against each other.

Instead, they need to become a cohesive team, a reliable support for each other. And help restore strength, for example, by taking turns resting one day a week. It's quite clear where the battles come from. This is a war for limited resources: sleep, time for yourself, favorite hobbies. All this becomes an invaluable source of grace and peace, because this resource is lacking for both. Small children and work take up almost all the free time of each couple.

Wife problems

What is the wife's mistake? Instead of looking for the causes of stress, she focuses on the symptoms: irritability, fatigue and other unpleasant feelings. And she begins to blame her husband, who is unlikely to be the source of stress.

She begins to perceive her husband as her slave, as an employee. She cannot talk to him calmly and openly. She does not want to discuss with him possible changes in life that will allow her and him to rest more and regain strength.

Photo by priscilla du preez on Unsplash

She works her butt off, and when she feels that she has absolutely no strength left and there are still many unfulfilled tasks, she lashes out at her husband. It's mildly offensive and the wrong way to communicate. When she screams at her husband, she experiences release. But it hurts him, which can be bad for the relationship.

The wife in this situation needs to realize that the very fact of a ten-year marriage is not an excuse for such behavior on her part. The husband did not undertake to be her slave; he has a choice: leave or stay. He may decide to stop being her punching bag.

It is important for her to understand that there are no situations in which she is always right and her husband is always wrong. She needs to get to the bottom of it and understand what drives her into a state of frenzy. And change these circumstances, and not throw out your dissatisfaction on the person who is trying to support her.

Hysterics in the house - how to avoid?

Every family should have a ritual - ordinary communication, before bed, during dinner, on an evening walk or at other times, to give each half the opportunity to speak out, share sore points, and perhaps find a way out of the current situation.

If work is so exhausting, maybe you should give up on it and look for another one in order to preserve vitality and peace in the family. A woman needs compliments, kisses, a smile, and therefore it is important for a man to find time to caress his wife (as well as vice versa).

Often a man does not insist on his own where necessary and his wife does not listen to him, and he, struggling with his own humiliation, makes attempts to become the head of the family. But if a woman begins to give in, then her husband will give in to her, with joy. However, if a man tyranny insists on his own all the time, he loses his wife’s respect.

What more can be said? A man must be a man, and if he has not fallen in the eyes of his chosen one, then everything can be solved and corrected. In the worst case, reconsider your marriage and decide whether it is worth continuing such a relationship.

Sometimes it is worth compromising, giving in, so as not to escalate the situation. And when the wife calms down, then talk frankly, avoiding screams and scandals. It is important to be patient, and then the intensity of passions will remain in the past, and in the future there will only be a smile and a great mood.

Husband's problem

So, the wife constantly yells at her husband for doing everything wrong. What is he wrong about? He is not her employee, and does not have to act as if he works for her. The husband needs to stop reacting like a subordinate. And take the position of an equal partner in the dialogue.

He's a grown man, why does he need a to-do list? Does he have no eyes? He is not able to assess whether it is time to do the laundry, whether there are dirty dishes, whether he needs to pick up the child after school? People do these everyday things without focusing on any lists, automatically. Whatever problems they see in front of them, they eliminate them.

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

It is very strange to hear from a man who feels like a cornered horse that his wife is “not relaxed enough.” Do you think she's tired of the difficulty of managing a grown man?

Female rudeness and how to deal with it

Boorish behavior is always a low level of spiritual rating. It ruins your mood for the whole day and unsettles you. People often don’t know how to react to this; smart thoughts come when the one who was rude has long disappeared from view. If a woman herself is constantly irritated and rude, this makes her a toy in the hands of her own passions.

Is it possible to develop immunity from rudeness? Yes, there are simple algorithms that will help you respond correctly to rude behavior. Your task is to show that you cannot be treated this way, so stop the rudeness, but without retaliatory aggression.

4 steps to defeat boorish behavior:

Try to understand the one who is rude to you. It sounds strange, but if you realize that the rude cashier is simply very tired or has received a scolding from her boss, then it will be easier for you to react calmly. Surely there is little love and respect in her life. She is clearly not being rude because she has a good life. Don't take everything said personally.
Keep your distance and don't respond in kind. Getting into a fight means starting to play by the rules of the aggressor. The desire to protect oneself will provoke conflict.
Apologize without any excuses and walk away from continuing the dialogue. Or just remain silent. This is what a person does from the position of an adult.
Neutralize boorishness with questions: “Can I help you with something?”; “What made you say that to me?” This way you will show that you are stronger, and that a rude person is a hostage to his negative emotions.

The techniques will work with both female and male rudeness. If you yourself are often rude to others, think about what the real reason is. Maybe it’s time to relax, take care of your mood, your inner state, and find somewhere to throw out negative energy? It is important for a woman to be filled with love, learn to respect, appreciate and love herself, and create a pleasant atmosphere around her. Otherwise, the chances of meeting a worthy man will fall below the plinth, and the one who is already nearby will run away or simply degrade. Boorish women are also manipulators, which indicates an inability to communicate in principle, especially with men. Take a look at the section “Ideal love relationships”, you will find recipes for happiness without insults, altercations, or rudeness.

Girls, be sure to come to the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness”, you will learn to enter the feminine state and forget about rudeness, the environment will change, relationships with men will sparkle with new colors. Look for details about the courses of the Pavel Rakov shopping center in the catalog section of our website “Online courses”.

Tell us, how often do you encounter outright rudeness? How do you fight it? Let me remind you that all comments are anonymous and you do not need to register.

What to do for both

If you recognize yourself in the description, read the recommendations and understand that this is about you, conduct an experiment. Write down everything you do around the house on a piece of paper. Be petty, learn all the nuances down to who takes out the trash and changes the toilet paper roll, who wipes the children’s noses and pours tea into everyone’s mugs.

Then, on this list, highlight all the things, all the items that you do for yourself, and not for your wife or children. Let your spouse do the same. If betting could be done in such cases, most experienced psychologists would bet that the wife's list is much longer than her husband's. There is no need to guess here: whoever gets more tired is more likely to break down.

Quarrel at a psychotherapist's appointment

Try another experiment: switch roles for a week. If your wife used to tell you what to do all the time, now it’s your turn. Ask for whatever you want: buy beer, bring tea, run to the store, put money on your phone. Let her serve you in addition to her standard to-do list. Then ask each other questions.

Did she manage to complete all your instructions?
Did she manage to hold out for a week?
Did she manage to hold out for at least one day?
Did she manage to do everything right? Or did you also have to make comments?

New time

The era of the 1950s has passed. Then the ideal family was like this: the husband worked, the wife stayed at home. She could spend 30 minutes choosing the best tenderloin in the store, and had time to wash and cook everything. After all, she didn’t have 2 hours after work to do this, but the whole day. She didn't have to spend 40 hours a week working in an office.

Now it is fashionable to live differently. Both work, and they do it for the privilege of having much more money than they could. But for some reason it is believed that women still have to do everything, and at home too. The children must be looked after, the apartment cleaned, dinner prepared.

In our grandmothers' youth, a man who was willing to take his wife's to-do list and do something about it was considered a hero. This was an exception to the rule. Everyone said: “Look at him, he’s so progressive, he doesn’t even complain, he allows his wife to run errands for him.”

Photo by Matthew Bennett on Unsplash

In modern generations, this type of behavior is no longer considered progressive. Husbands are called henpecked, and wives are called aggressive bitches. Start living as equals.

The man who wrote the complaint with which the article began should start living for himself. He needs to remove phrases such as “helped with the children” and “helped around the house” from his vocabulary. He didn’t help, but did what he had time to do, insuring his wife, who will do something for you next time while you are late at work.

In the current family there are no male and female responsibilities, with rare exceptions this is true. Whoever has time takes the children out of school. Whoever can come early organizes dinner. Teaching children to do homework will be a good help.

Photo by Tina Dawson on Unsplash

From primary school onwards, they can clean their room or wash the dishes. Moreover, there is no need to hand out any trophies shouting: “Wow, you did it yourself!” In a family where both parents work, children should learn self-care skills from an early age.

The wife in this situation needs to learn techniques that allow her to relax and control her anger. These can be simple breathing exercises. Having spent a couple of minutes on them, she will not lash out at her husband and will not destroy a relationship in which both are having a hard time due to simple fatigue. No one should yell, insult or give negative feedback. This must be done in the interests of both, in the interests of the family.

It will be difficult for a wife to overcome this behavior if she has been using swearing and swearing as a way to reduce her stress levels for years. But you need to understand that she does not receive anything good in return. As a rule, after scandals there is only a feeling of sadness, loneliness, fatigue, and sometimes a feeling of guilt.

Is it possible to re-educate an evil wife - expert advice

Let's start with the main thing - the International Day for the Protection of the Male Nervous System from Violent Actions by Women is a fake. There is no such holiday and never has existed. The Internet first saw this “joke” on October 22, 2016. Since then, users have been “celebrating” the day with all sorts of jokes and poems directed at female aggressors. But there is no smoke without fire. And a woman who seems timid, fragile and vulnerable at home can cause real terror to the entire household. Channel Five will tell you how to recognize an abuser and whether it is worth trying to re-educate him.

Photo: globallookpress.com

Be careful, there is an abuser living with you!

Translated from English, “abuse” means “abuse” and “insult.” Essentially, this is psychological (and not only) violence directed at a loved one. Blackmail, coercion, humiliation, insult - this is not the entire range of the aggressor’s favorite techniques. It is believed that aggression is a consequence of a lack of love, and hence the inability to build relationships with a partner.

If the situation repeats itself over and over again, it’s time to either seek help (if everything is very bad, rescuers), or pack your things and leave (or change the lock on the front door, if this is your apartment), advises psychologist Maria Fedoruk. The specialist is sure that in all cases there are objective indicators when you should start worrying about the person with whom you live under the same roof.

Psychologist Maria Fedoruk. Photo: Marina Noskova

Emotional abuse in relationships is:

You constantly explain where you are and with whom, why you returned from work 10 minutes late, and why you went to a friend’s house and not to your mother’s, as you said earlier. You had to give up communication with some friends/relatives/colleagues and change your lifestyle to please the demands of your chosen one.
You constantly hear humiliating jokes and remarks addressed to you: “I don’t understand what’s wrong with your figure?.. Are you getting ready to replace Santa Claus?..”, “I would like you a lot more if you earned more.” It hits home and the jokes don't stop.
Your needs are ignored or devalued. You are deprived of the opportunity to defend your point of view, and you hear the phrase “you must” more often than your own name. Your chosen one doesn’t care when you warn that some actions/situation are unpleasant for you. She continues to act as if she hadn't heard anything.
You constantly make excuses in response to incessant reproaches, before any choice or action you fearfully think that she will say about it and “no matter what happens.” You go home with fear, expecting another “emotional storm” due to the reason “you again did not do what I told you.”
They blackmail you with sex (“If you smile at her like that again, you’ll sleep with a teddy bear”), they use intimacy as a reward or punishment.

It is important to understand that emotional abuse does not leave bruises and abrasions, it is much more difficult to notice, but its consequences are just as destructive as the consequences of physical violence: depression, depression, dissatisfaction with oneself, merging with the negative image imposed by the partner, loss of connection with your real personality. The main criterion, says the psychologist, is that in such relationships you experience fear and anxiety much more often than joy and happiness.

—Ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable in your relationship. If you agree that there is no place for respect and trust in your relationship, your needs and interests are unimportant, and there is much more power than love, trust yourself and leave. Your girlfriend or wife has no reason to change anything: she behaves in the most convenient way for her, without giving up herself and her interests. It’s you who is uncomfortable, and you have the power to change it,” says Maria Fedoruk.

The main thing is the cause of aggression

Before protecting your nervous system from harmful influences, you need to understand the reasons for female behavior, says sexologist Lev Shcheglov. It is impossible to call a lady an abuser until a specialist gets acquainted with the situation. Moreover, men should not rush to label their cohabitants as “aggressors.”

Video: Channel Five

— One woman will be rude, insulting and shouting at her husband or friend simply because she was raised that way and in her family it was considered normal. The second will do the same, but because she is psychopathic by nature, and she really needs to be consulted and correct the defect. The third will do the same thing in order to attract the attention of a man. The most important thing is not to do something, but to understand what is happening,” sexologist Lev Shcheglov told Channel 5 in an interview.

The doctor of medical sciences advised not to look for banal advice on complex family issues. At the same time, he noted that sometimes men really manage to build strong relationships with women of a hysterical and even aggressive type, who certainly act out scenes of jealousy with breaking dishes.

Video: Channel Five

- I won’t give any idiotic specific techniques or advice. This is for primitive glamor magazines. In this area, a specialist never gives advice like get together - get divorced. It helps to understand where the problem is coming from. And if a woman hit him on the cheek with her left hand, what should you do? Understanding the reason leads to decision making. Because if on this day she had a tragedy and catastrophe, then she needs to understand, perhaps accept and forgive. If this is her style, how can you tell if you should keep her? What if the man is a masochist? And we often see this in life. He doesn't show it, but he likes to be shouted at. So, what advice can you give here? - the doctor laments.

Dominated, dominated and “dominated”

Sometimes a scream in the house can arise because of a raised toilet seat or a half-eaten pear left on the table. And the more often this happens, the more difficult it is for a man to provide proper resistance. But everything has a limit. And then patience ran out - the man raised his hand in response or simply left. What should an abuser do if she finds herself with nothing, that is, without a victim? A visit to a psychologist will only help if the woman realizes that she needs help. Otherwise, it’s a one-sided game,” says clinical psychologist Elena Mayorova.

Clinical psychologist Elena Mayorova. Photo: Channel Five archive

Family therapy

This small analysis of the situation and recommendations on how to fix it will not help everyone. For most people, the article will only give food for thought, but will not allow them to move forward. Sometimes the transition from a relationship from the plane of “I’m the boss - you’re a fool” to equality is very difficult to make. Here you need the help of a family therapist or psychologist.

You will say that it is difficult for you to decide and go to a session. You can answer that it is most likely much more difficult for your wife to restrain herself and not yell at you than to get ready and go to a psychologist. You are not your spouse's enemy, and she is not your enemy. You are two people, tired, unhappy, stuck in a typical relationship mechanism that leads to a breakup.

Eliminate this mechanism, start building relationships on a new foundation. Take responsibility for this, change your behavior, give arguments that will force your wife to start communicating with you openly and without unnecessary emotions. You can understand that both you and she can handle this. But it will be better if you do this together, rather than bring the situation to the point where the easiest solution seems to be separation.

Advice from psychologists to women who are abused by their husbands

If your husband begins to insult you, the advice of a psychologist will help you easily overcome the current situation and direct the relationship in the right direction. Experts offer:

Leaving your spouse alone - even if you haven’t thought about separating, you can move out of the apartment for a while. Don't agree to meetings by ignoring calls and messages. Upon your return, tell your husband how calmly you lived without him. This will sober up your partner, and, most likely, he will think about his behavior.
Ignore your husband during the next attack of aggression. Just leave the room or turn away and wait silently until your husband stops insulting you.
Next, calmly tell him that you shouldn’t blame others for the fact that the man has driven himself into such a sad state. If he needs help, his family will support and help him. Hysterics and swear words are grounds for ending family life, which should definitely be mentioned during the conversation.
Questions are unpleasant and denigrating in a public place. This can stop an outbreak of aggression, since tyrants do not like spectators. But it is not recommended to resort to this technique if there are relatives or children nearby.