Why doesn't the girl give? 7 main reasons for your failures

It is natural for men and women to desire intimacy. The desire to procreate is inherent in nature, so why doesn’t the girl give and resist? Sex is fun, healthy and logical if two people are in love with each other. Maybe you’ve been dating for a long time and it’s time to move into bed, or you’ve already had intimacy before, but now the girl is avoiding it. Let's look at different situations and figure out why it arose and what to do if a girl doesn't give.

First, let's look at common reasons that are beyond your control. The girl does not give because of her “corrals” or other objective-subjective reasons.

Reason No. 1: Wrong time, wrong place, so it doesn’t work

Sometimes it is clear that a girl wants, but does not give. You are at a loss and don’t understand what’s wrong, but the reasons can be quite simple:

She doesn't have nice underwear and is embarrassed to undress. She was not ready for intimacy and wants your first or hundredth time to be beautiful, and she is wearing “granny pantaloons.” You can try dimming the lights, maybe that will relax her.
She is having her “critical days.” For a minute, out of 30 days, a girl has 3-10 “red” days, and don’t forget about the discomfort before and after this event. So look, in the most unpleasant case, a whole third of the month can fall out of the sexual schedule. And if these days are short for her, then the “law of meanness” has not been repealed.
She didn't prepare her body. For example, she didn’t shave her legs and because of this she has a terrible complex.
The girl did killer makeup and used push-up or figure-shaping underwear. She may be afraid that in the process of undressing her, the man will lose all desire.
The situation is not conducive to intimacy: the back seat of a car or a movie theater is not suitable for every girl.
You had an unpleasant conversation. You or she remembered your exes and it killed the romantic mood.

You are good and correct. In short, boring

You are the one who is used to opening doors for a woman, giving her space, giving her compliments and asking permission about everything. You are good and correct.

Who instilled these principles in you? As a child, it was my mother who gave me an understanding of the word “good.” Then the teachers, girls from school, trampling on the last eggs.

You are used to acting on command and not worrying about anything, since a woman will solve all problems. And what's sexy about that? What should the weaker sex like about this?

Do you know who women sleep with? Who do they want during the day, at night and immediately after sex? Do they want it in the bedroom, on the table, in the cinema, in the restroom and on the embankment?
Women are attracted to bad boys. Because assholes are the alpha. This is strength, this is leadership, this is masculinity and emotion. Brutal energy emanates from them.

This is the type of man who makes girls want to possess him, tame him and domesticate him, like a wild animal. Everyone sees this scenario in their rosy dreams before going to bed.

The bad guy is unpredictable. The young lady is excited and spurred on by interest, intrigue, inner strength, and risk. Such a man is used to winning and achieving. This is courage. These are actions. This is the result.

Reason #4: She is looking for a sponsor

A beautiful girl may turn out to be an ordinary kept woman. It is beneficial for her not to give it as long as possible in order to whet your interest in her. At the initial stages, it is not so easy to recognize that she only cares about the size of your wallet, but it is still worth paying attention to these “bells”:

she often complains about financial difficulties and hints that she would like help;
she immediately talks about money: literally from the first meeting;
she tries to keep her distance, but at the same time piques your interest.

No seduction process

You don't seduce because you don't know how to seduce.

Don't agree? Do you think you understand a lot? Why did you decide this? Why are you a guru? How many women did you have? What were they like?

Nobody taught you how to position yourself correctly. Your father didn’t do this - rather, for everything, your mother was the main one in your family. Since childhood, you haven’t had the correct male model of behavior before your eyes.

Complexes from childhood, an unsuccessful first experience with the opposite sex - there can be many reasons, but there is only one result. Everything you know about women is just the advice of your friends, who themselves do not understand anything about it.

You don’t have a step-by-step working model of behavior with a girl: how to meet her, how to call her out on dates, how to go on dates, what to talk about with her on a date, how to start touching her, how to take her home and how to make her run after you afterwards with a mattress.

That is why, at the 16-day workshop “How to turn a woman’s NO into a woman’s YES ,” I tell you what needs to be done from A to Z, with what consistency and intensity - at every stage of your relationship.

Do you want to get a working model of behavior with a girl and solve all your problems? Click the button below and start learning!

Reason #5: She is sure that all men are lustful males

This “truth” could have been drilled into her by her parents, films and TV series, or friends. But she is sure that intimacy should not be on first dates, so if a man is assertive, then it seems strange to her. Girls who have little or no sexual experience usually think this way. Perhaps she herself was burned and now has difficulty trusting men. If a girl doesn’t give, then it’s important to understand the real reason. The opposite situation may also occur, when a guy specifically does not touch on the topic of intimacy, waiting for the girl to “ripe.” This is also wrong, because the initiative should still belong to the man.

You overestimate its importance

This is a problem for most men. You don't have problems with girls who are below you, do you agree? You behave naturally with them, don’t bother, it doesn’t matter if she gives it to you or not. But as soon as you meet someone who is a level higher than you, problems begin.

You feel like you have to be a super multimillionaire to get her interested. You indulge any of her requests and agree to everything.

And are you happy with the result? If you live in hope that Her Majesty will give you, then I have bad news for you. Will not give. After all, by overestimating someone’s importance, you thereby underestimate your own - why would a woman sleep with a low-ranking male? She will tease you for months, asking you to test your feelings.

Reason #7: She saves herself for “the one”

Well, since you are still not in the same bed, then most likely you are not the one. All you have to do is either convince her otherwise, or give up empty attempts to storm the impregnable fortress. Men are turned on by inaccessibility, but such a game is dangerous for both: at a certain moment, your goal becomes to conquer her at any cost, and when sex finally happens, it turns out that there is little that connects you. This is good if it doesn’t come to marriage, children and a mortgage: then the realization of your mistake and stubbornness is even more painful.

Understand how to no longer receive refusals from the girl you like!

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Which you will receive during the FREE ONLINE INTENSIVE and you will learn:

1. How to spend less resources (money and time) to seduce girls
2. How to easily meet and lead communication with a beautiful girl to sex
3. How to find your unique effective model of seducing girls

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Unpopular with girls

Your personal problem that you need to do something about. If you don't have enough sex in your life, you need to get serious about improving your seduction skills.
Think about what you are doing wrong, read the relevant literature and constantly practice communicating with different girls. This is a winning tactic that has never failed anyone. What to do if girls don't give? I have a lot of materials that will help you take your first steps, for example, how to learn how to look sexy. You can also sign up for a course and receive complete information in a concentrated form. Only direct instructions for action and constant practice with support.

Why doesn't the girl who used to give

All forums on the Internet are full of the phrases “My girlfriend won’t let me.” Why is that? Here are the most popular reasons that will help you understand what needs to be changed in order to improve your personal life:

She's simply tired.
She stopped loving you.
You have changed not for the better: you have gained weight, you have neglected yourself.
Your sex is boring.
You don't care about her having fun, so she doesn't want to waste time pleasing you. Previously, the girl had to lie down and endure, but now she has the right to refuse.
Some of you cheated.

You take a passive position

Continuing the previous reason. Remember how often it happens that you sit on a date and wait for the right opportunity to touch her hand?

Now remember, a man does not wait for the right opportunity. He creates them himself.

Or are you waiting for her to make the first move herself? Will he text you first, put your hand on his chest, take your car keys and take you to his home?

You are a man - you do everything! You said where and what time we meet, what we will do, you entertain her, you seduce her, you kiss her, you take her home, you unfasten her bra, you... In general, all of you.

Read also: How to behave correctly with a girl

What to do if a girl doesn't want intimacy

When a girl doesn’t give, it’s important not to give in to emotions and not rush from one extreme to another. Be a man and show restraint and tact, first finding out the reason for her behavior, and then taking action:

Explain to her that sex is a normal physiological need. That your hormones are raging, and you involuntarily begin to pay attention to other girls due to the lack of sex. The argument will be especially powerful if you have been together for a long time and the girl stopped giving due to unknown reasons. A frank conversation will help to understand her fears and difficulties and establish normal relationships.
Carefully monitor your appearance so that a well-groomed male with a burning gaze is always looking at you from the mirror. Girls are attracted by energy and physical attractiveness: she will drag you into bed if you broadcast sex only with your presence.
They moved away a little: let her think what was wrong with her. This method will help if your relationship cannot become concrete and teeters on the brink of romance and friendship. If you are with her this way and that, and she still keeps her distance, then it’s time to secretly raise the issue head-on. Let her feel that she can lose you and then she will have to make a decision about getting closer or breaking up.
Convince her that you are serious about her. There is no need to run after the ring and fulfill all her whims, just show with your actions and voice out loud that you consider her as a person with whom you would like to be together forever. Keep your doubts and doubts to yourself: a man must be specific, and if it seems to you that such words will be a lie, then it is better to find someone with whom they will become true. The girl doesn't give it because she's not sure of you.

Now you know what to do if a girl doesn’t give. Basically there are two reasons: either she is not the right girl, or you are not making enough efforts. You have to make sure that she understands that you are her ideal option.

You are embarrassed to show your true desires

Many people would like to sleep with her - but you are trying your best to prove that you are not like that. That you are interested in her inner world and what she eats for breakfast. So you talk to her about work, the weather and clouds, films and Bach opera. And at night, left alone, you google “why doesn’t the girl give you?”

Now answer the question: why do women take so long to put on makeup? Why do you constantly visit beauty salons? Why do they spend so much money on shopping and getting plastic surgery?

To become in demand in a man's world. And if she came to you on a date, it means she was interested in you as a man.

So don't be afraid to show it! Give her compliments, flirt, be sure to touch her, touch her - show in every possible way that you are interested in her as a woman. That you want her.

And if you do nothing, nothing will happen. You'll be like everyone else. At best, you will lead a cavalry of her idiot fans.

Read also: Why is it so difficult to seduce a woman into sex?

What to do in case of manipulation

Let's imagine that you analyzed your relationship, but found no reason to offend her. Then he asked her directly, but did not hear an intelligible answer. At the same time, a couple of days after trying to talk, the girl continues to remain silent. You can re-initiate the conversation and calmly repeat your question. It is important at this moment to avoid emotions and a raised tone - anything that could give her a real reason to be offended and replace the reason for the initial silence.

If you understand that there is manipulation in front of you, then this is a signal to start ignoring the girl in return. Again - without any emotions and demonstrative resentment. Maintain your masculine composure. You did everything you could. Now everything depends only on her. If you want to take a step forward, you will have to explain your behavior and apologize. No, that means you can’t go any further.

Having played by her rules once, you will be doomed to endure the girl’s whims and experience her manipulations for the rest of your relationship with her.

Your task now is to distance yourself and switch to that area of your life where there is no girl. I hope you have a lot to do, worries, hobbies, have friends and long-term plans. All this can be done without the girl’s participation.

They may offer something else instead of money

Another situation may happen. Let's say you borrowed a certain amount of money to a person, but it so happens that his financial situation becomes even more depressing. As a decent borrower, he explains the whole situation to you and offers to take something instead of the debt (for example, some product that he produces, gold or any other value). What are you going to do?

In this situation, you find yourself in an ambiguous situation: what you are offered instead of money is not needed, but otherwise you risk not getting anything at all. In the end, you have to take what is offered. Are you ready for this development?

The young lady always writes first, what does it mean?

She likes to be the "leader"

You've probably heard that in almost every relationship there is a leader and a follower. As a rule, in couples the man becomes the leader, but this does not change the fact that some women prefer to reserve this right for themselves. There may be certain reasons for this behavior. Perhaps the girl previously came across infantile men who were unable to build full-fledged relationships. Now the girl prefers to take everything into her own hands, starting with correspondence.

It is possible that Mademoiselle has sincerely fallen in love with you, and it is quite natural for her to write to you first. Moreover, she does not see anything wrong with this at all, and simply rejoices at any opportunity to communicate with you. She can openly write that she was waiting for you on the Internet, bombard you with a lot of questions, and so on.

The girl does not write first not only to you, but also to some other people. The reason is quite trivial - she is simply bored and does not know what to do with herself. Having seen a person interesting to her on the Internet, she enthusiastically enters into correspondence, thereby simply “killing time.”

She wants her to be the main reason you go online in the first place. Fearing that this may not be confirmed, she acts proactively - she interests you first. In this way, she develops in you the awareness that she is invariably present in your life. She may also be afraid that if she leaves you “unattended,” you will begin to show interest in someone else, so she always tries to be in your field of vision.

Should a guy text a girl first?

If you don't know each other, to interest her

Of course, if you want to get to know the person you like, and hope to arouse reciprocal interest on her part, then it is quite natural to write first. Some guys, wanting to attract the attention of a person, simply like her photo or simply add her as a “friend”. They sincerely believe that they have taken the “first step”, and now it’s up to the potential interlocutor. However, the vast majority of girls have a completely different opinion on this matter. Sure, it's possible that your photo or special information on your page "speaks for itself," but often that's not the case.

If your acquaintance did not attract her

Here you need to look at the situation. If you were not able to immediately interest the lady sufficiently, then, most likely, subsequent attempts should still be postponed for some time - from several days to several months. It is obvious that today you do not arouse her interest, and if you absolutely want to win the favor of this particular girl, you should show her that some changes are taking place in your life that, in your opinion, will interest her. Seeing this, most likely, she will get in touch herself or will be more willing to respond to your next message after a while.

After the first meeting

Of course, after such a meeting you should write to the girl or call. Moreover, this is usually what women expect. They need confirmation that everything went well, that they met expectations, and if the guy is silent after the meeting, this can cause anxiety in the young lady. However, sometimes this anxiety can play into your hands. And yet, situations are different, if you have a goal to hook a girl who has not yet shown strong and obvious interest, then write to her not immediately after the meeting. But if your chosen one sincerely likes you, and she openly demonstrates this, then show reciprocal attention and, if possible, show your interest.

Nobody owes anyone anything: why requirements and rules prevent us from living

If life seems unbearable to you, do not rush to blame the whole world for it. Psychotherapist Daniel Fryer says there are four thoughts that keep us from stressing out about everything. must do something In his book “Harmful Thoughts: Four Psychological Attitudes That Prevent Us from Living,” Fryer explains the psychological mechanisms that make us worry about and without reason, and tells us how to deal with them. This book is published in winter by Alpina Publisher. Inc. Russia publishes an excerpt from it.

Dogmatic requirements

A mature person meets the demands of life, and an immature person demands that life meet his demands.

Henry Cloud

Among the four thoughts that set you up, the number one enemy is dogmatic demand. Behind any emotional or behavioral problem that bothers you (that is, you think, feel or behave in a way that you do not like, but cannot change), there is a demand for something. But what is the requirement?

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy has a clear definition: it is a strong dogmatic belief that makes you uncomfortable. Requirements are expressed by words such as “should - should not”, “should - should not”, “must” and “must”. By strict and dogmatic, I mean that you have a belief that you consider to be an immutable truth. An unshakable, unshakable law, stuck in your head, which cannot be broken (otherwise disaster will happen!). You need this and only this. This belief is so absolute that no deviation is allowed. Sounds too uncompromising, right?

As a rule, the requirement becomes a strict expression of some desire. So “I wish I had” becomes “I should have” - and this can be applied to all areas of life. If you react inappropriately to a person, to a situation, to anything, there is some kind of demand behind this inadequate reaction. In the third part of the book I will give an algorithm for getting rid of this attitude, but for now it’s enough for you to know that among the four thoughts that ruin your life, demand is the first evil.

Let's say, for example, that I have a thing about keeping to a schedule—a desire for punctuality. Let us also assume that behind this desire I have formulated a strict, absolute conviction: I must always and everywhere be on time. And I do mean absolutely always, every time, no matter what, period.

Thus, it becomes a dogmatic requirement, that is, a rigid expression of the desire to be on time in any situation. It’s completely normal to want to be on time; there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is my belief: “I must always be on time.”

Strict requirements challenge you on several levels. First, they are often unrealistic. They are so strict and absolute that they do not provide any room for maneuver, leaving literally one single option. This is crazy because no possible delays are taken into account. But sometimes (in fact, quite often) delays occur. For example, right now I'm typing this chapter while sitting on a late train from Bristol Temple Meads Station to London Paddington.

Secondly, the requirements are illogical. It's perfectly fine to be a person who wants to be on time, but there's no logic in insisting on being punctual just because you feel like it.

And finally, requirements do not help you; on the contrary, they hinder you. Because of them, everything goes wrong for you. Sometimes they just blow your mind. Requiring yourself to be on time won't protect you from occasional delays through no fault of your own, but it will mean you won't be able to handle those delays well.

All this makes the demands irrational and in this sense useless, that is, they do not provide you with good results from a psychological point of view (you are angry, worried, upset, and so on) and interfere with achieving your goals. In short, demands blow your mind precisely because they are strict and dogmatic: they do not fit into real life situations, they do not make sense and they are of no use to you.

Before diving deeper into the problematic realm of demands, I would like to discuss those that do not create problems, because outside the world of REBT people throw around words like “should” and “should” without thinking much about their meaning.

Requirements that don't bother you

To begin with, we all have empirical needs, such as immutable laws of nature that cannot be violated. My favorite is the law of gravity because it has a real requirement, namely, “what goes up must come down.” This law does not interfere with you or anyone in principle - it only states a fact. Here on planet Earth, without the help of physics and hundreds of tons of rocket fuel, everything that takes off always falls.

Now let's imagine that we are acquaintances who went for a walk and enjoy a pleasant conversation and sunny weather. So we walk past a coffee stand and I exclaim, “Oh my God, you just have to try their salted caramel macchiato!”

Firstly, it would be fair to reproach me for adhering to the class of pampered liberal bourgeoisie, if only because I know about the existence of such a drink and what it tastes like, and secondly (and more importantly), again this word “ must". But, of course, I don’t want to offend anyone with my demand, I just recommend: try this type of coffee, it’s quite tasty - that’s what I mean.

Let's continue to consider the scenario of acquaintances and assume that you invited me to visit you, but I’m just a little late. You know that I left by car a long time ago, but since there was no more news from me, you decided to call me. “Sorry,” I say, “I was delayed due to traffic, but everything is fine now. Should get there in about twenty minutes if the roads are clear.” And again the requirement (“must”), but this time it does not cause inconvenience to either party. In this case, I make a guess: if the roads are clear, I think I'll get there soon.

In addition, there are also so-called ideal requirements. In an ideal world, people would not litter, they would not kill other people, there would be no homeless people, and there would be universal equality and justice. But, unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world. And people litter, they kill, the number of homeless people is steadily growing, and there is no equality or justice. However, in conversation we often hear about these ideals, and this seems normal to everyone. There is no need to attack those who say this with reproaches like “Aha! This is a strict belief, and you have no right to voice it!”

The most common requirement, which is expressed every day, is called the conditional requirement: for XYZ to occur, ABC must occur. Let's say I, like many people, go to work by commuter train. Let’s also assume that I have the attitude “I must be on time everywhere.” As you know, the train is not the most reliable transport, at least in England. Now imagine that I use the services of a very bad carrier who is not known for punctuality. With this mindset, I will start to worry before I even get on the train. In fact, I may become one of those people who gets on a train that leaves much earlier than necessary, just to be on the safe side. I'm also more likely to get nervous every time I think the train is slowing down or stopping.

But if I say that I must arrive on time for an important meeting or interview that is scheduled exactly for:, well, then this is a conditional requirement: the fulfillment of condition ABC (arrive on time) is necessary for XYZ (being on time for an important meeting or interview) to happen. This is a statement of fact.

Life and the people around you impose many conditional demands on you that affect your time, social life, ability to plan, and even your psychophysical state, but whether you worry about these conditions or not is up to you.

Summarize. Requirements that don't bother you include empirical needs, recommendations, assumptions, ideal requirements, and conditional requirements. You can put forward and accept them from other people as much as you wish.

Let's return to the requirements that interfere

Should - should not, should - should not, must, must. These are all things we know as demands, and they are beliefs that get in your way, causing anxiety and depression, because they are rigid, out of touch, illogical and unhelpful.

From the point of view of REBT and the four thoughts that set you up, this is the first thing you should be wary of. Behind an outburst of anger or a panic attack there is always some kind of demand. Attacks of depression, rage and jealousy, addiction and much more are caused by certain demands.

“Cherche le debt,” said Albert Ellis, who was not even French: always look for a demand. If you think, feel or act in a way that you don't like, but you can't do anything about it, always look for a demand. In fact, from now on, every time you find yourself in such a situation, try to take a step back and ask yourself the question: “What do I demand?”

For example, if you are arguing with your husband or wife over which one of you will do the dishes, and you are angry at the lack of respect, then you have a demand that “my partner must respect me.” If you are nervous when talking to your boss and are worried that you will look stupid in front of him, you have a requirement “I should not look stupid in front of my boss.” If you have a phobia of elevators and your biggest fear is getting stuck in an elevator, then you have the requirement “I shouldn’t get stuck in an elevator.”

If you are a perfectionist who does not put up with any imperfections, then you have a requirement that everything must be perfect; if you fly off the handle when events are not completely under your control, you have a demand to be in control; if you are worried at the very thought that you might get worried, then you have a requirement not to worry. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

To figure out what you require, try to determine what really bothers you in a given situation. For example, if you are angry at your partner or colleague, ask yourself: “What is really making me angry right now?” If you are upset about something, ask yourself: “What upsets me most about this situation?” Once you've identified what's bothering you the most, add a demand word, and voila - there's your unhealthy belief. And once you have identified an unhealthy belief, you can begin to fight it.

When I volunteered to talk about my problem in front of an audience and for the first time, in a psychotherapy format, admitted my “love” for crowds and crowded places, the teacher quickly identified what infuriated me most “when other people stood in my way.” I really didn't like it very much. Well, I was angry because of the conviction that had settled in my head, because of the desire that had become absolute, because of the harsh expression of the desire. In short, the thought that was bothering me was the demand that “other people should not get in my way.”

And I seriously thought so: never and under any circumstances.

Challenge the demands

REBT teaches us to examine beliefs, both unhealthy and healthy. We challenge unhealthy beliefs to weaken them until they are destroyed, and to strengthen healthy ones so that we can have something bright and good to replace the broken unhealthy beliefs. After all, nature does not tolerate emptiness, and if you do not replace something unhealthy with something healthy, this place may be taken by something equally or even more unhealthy.

Challenging beliefs in REBT is called “challenging.” As I said earlier, the requirements are unrealistic, meaningless and useless. By challenging, REBT backs up words with action.

There are many ways to challenge beliefs, but challenging beliefs can primarily be done by asking three questions. Here they are:

Is this belief true?
Does this belief make sense? . Does this belief help me?

Truth, meaning and benefit; or, if you prefer scientific vocabulary, empirical, logical and pragmatic questions.

Empirical means based on (or related to or verifiable by) observation or experience. Logical - conforming to the laws of logic and formal argument or characterized by reasoned reasoning. Finally, pragmatic means having a reasonable and realistic approach to things.

It turns out that the question “Is this true?” is scientific: it asks for evidence, reasons. Whether you answer, “Yes, this belief is true,” or “No, this belief is false,” you will have to back up your answer with evidence.

The question “Does this make sense?” involves reasoned reasoning and a good deal of common sense. Just because I think <insert premise here>, does it follow that <insert conclusion here>?

The last question, “Does this help me?” is hopefully the most clear of the three. If you are reading this book, you most likely have a reason, a psychotherapeutic or psychological purpose. So just ask yourself: “Does this belief help me behave rationally and appropriately? Does it help you achieve your goal?

These questions may seem simple, and in some ways they are. But at the same time, they are very rational, objective and help get to the heart of the matter. It is precisely because of their rationality that they can be used everywhere - not only in psychotherapy. Mathematics, science, philosophy, law, and any debate wherever it occurs—anywhere where a point or claim needs to be substantiated, these questions can be used to test it.

Suppose I am a scientist who has recently successfully completed an experiment that will fundamentally change our understanding of Einstein's theory of relativity. Of course, I will consider myself very smart and will want to present the essence of my experiment in an article and publish it in a scientific journal. Therefore, I will show the results of the study to my colleagues. And the first thing they will ask me about is evidence. If I don’t have them or the material grounds are insufficient, I’m lost. If I have convincing evidence, the first obstacle has been overcome. The next test is logic. Is my research rational? Does the conclusion follow logically from the premises? If the answer is no, I won't be published. But if the ideas follow logically from beginning to end, I have overcome the second obstacle. Finally, I am asked a pragmatic question. Is my experiment useful, does it expand my horizons, does it add something new to the understanding of the problem? If not, I'll run home with my tail between my legs; if there is novelty, if I can expand on what Albert Einstein originally proposed, then everything is fine.

Let's try to apply this approach to requirements.

The claims are false: you will have evidence to the contrary

Consider the requirement “I must always be on time.” How can this be true? Delays occur every day: trains, city and suburban buses are late, there are delays due to breakdowns, traffic jams, delays due to the fact that your loved ones were unable to get ready on time. If you have ever been delayed or late for any reason, then the requirement “I must always be on time” has not been met. The proof is the fact that you were late.

When I ask people if the statement “I should always be on time” is true, they often answer in the affirmative. And as evidence they give examples such as: “my being late can have negative consequences,” “my boss doesn’t like it when I’m late,” “I don’t like being late,” “I get very irritated if something delays me.” In truth, this doesn't prove why you "should," but it does highlight why you personally prefer to be on time.

Some have tried to reinforce the truth of the demand “I must always be on time” by having their boss insist that they be on time. But this means either that the boss has an unhealthy dogmatic demand, or that he is making a conditional demand of you. If it's the latter, he means "you have to be on time or..." (or I'll get angry, or time will be lost, or I'll cut your salary, or make you work overtime, etc.).

You are not responsible for what your boss thinks, feels or does. You are also not responsible for his beliefs (rational or not). You are only responsible for how you think, feel, or act in response to your boss' behavior.

The boss’s dogmatic demand for you (if this is exactly what you are faced with) is not true. And your demand for yourself is false: no strict dogmatic demand can ever be true. Let me give you another example...

I'm bald. (You'll have to accept that.) My hair started falling out when I was young. By the time I was twenty-five, I gave in and got a buzz cut. And whether it’s because I have a photo of myself on my website, or whether it’s just a coincidence, over the years of practice, many bald or balding young men who, along with their hair, were losing self-confidence, turned to me for help.

“But I shouldn’t be bald!” - many of them exclaimed in my office. “My father and grandfather were not bald, so neither should I!” Unfortunately, the large bald heads - which often had even less hair than mine - of these guys were in themselves proof that their claim was untrue.

The empirical claims are true. Take my favorite, the law of universal gravitation, or “what goes up must come down.” If I throw a ball up, it will fall. If I throw it a hundred or a million times, it will fall every time. I can say that I will throw it next week or that I threw it last week - it fell, falls and will fall in % of cases. Here on planet Earth, this is an immutable law.

If you demand respect for yourself, you must provide evidence of % respect in % of cases. If you can't do this, the claim is false. If you claim to be in control, you must provide evidence of % control % of the time, which means there should not have been a single situation where control eluded you. But you can't do that, right?

You can demand that elevators don't get stuck all you want, but that won't stop them from getting stuck. And if you've ever used elevators, you may have found yourself in a stuck elevator at some point. There is no claim that cannot be refuted by providing evidence to the contrary.

State and biblical laws are not absolute. They are conditional. The main law (from the point of view of both the state and the Bible) is that you cannot kill people. But as a demand it would be false, because, unfortunately, people die violent deaths (sometimes due to tragic accidents) every day. So what the government law actually says is that you must not kill other people or you will go to jail.

Demands are meaningless: the world works differently

Do you know the story about Aladdin and the magic lamp? It is a Middle Eastern folk tale and one of the plots of The Book of One Thousand and One Nights. In a nutshell, the lovable tramp Aladdin, who is always getting into something, has found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared from there and gave the hero three wishes.

“Your wish is the law,” said the genie.

Just imagine what you could wish for if you had such a lamp.

“I want to win the lottery,” you say, and with a snap of the genie’s fingers it comes true. Look, you are already swimming in money.

“I want a new Aston Martin DB.” - Click - the genie does this too. And now you are driving along the highway in a sparkling and eye-catching convertible.

“I want to be on time,” you say and add: “always.” Click! The genie grants a wish. Finally, you are calm and confident that you will never, ever be late again.

Can you imagine wishing that some thing would never happen to you again? It can be either perfect heaven or absolute hell, depending on how you look at it. But the point is this: there is no genie, no lamp, and your desire is not a law. You don't get what you want just by wishing for it - that's not how the world works.

Logically, there is no point in saying “I must have something” simply because you want to have it. You might like to win the lottery, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to win. Chances are you won't win: it's a game of luck after all. Desire is one thing, but demand is something completely different. Logically they are not connected. There are too many factors and conditions between them. First, you need to at least buy a lottery ticket.

You may dream of a new Aston Martin DB, but just because you want one, it doesn't logically follow that you should have one. These are different things that are logically unrelated to each other. Again, they depend on many factors: will you have enough money for the deposit, monthly payments, insurance and operating costs?

This happens with any requirement. Don't forget that a demand is a strict expression of a desire for something. It's completely normal if you want to be on time, like to be in control, or want your partner to respect you and have more hair on your head than you currently have, but just because you want it doesn't mean that those things have to be the case.

Therefore, when you make a dogmatic demand, you are behaving illogically and unreasonably.

Requirements are useless: look where they lead

The only thing that a rigid demand does for you is a reaction that does not benefit you or those around you. If you demand that you always be on time, you will freak out every time you encounter an inevitable delay. It is likely that you will turn into a person who arrives not just early, but absurdly early. About two hours to be sure. You will become like the people I am watching on the train as I write this, swearing under their breath, or telling off the train company service manager, or venting their frustrations on social media or even over the phone, something like this: “ Yes, Tom, it's fucking happened again. I know that without me it will be a complete mess, but you will have to hold the line.”

If you have an exam coming up and you demand that you pass it, you will become stressed, underprepared, sleep deprived, and end up performing worse on the test day. (If you show it at all: we have all seen how people run away from exams in tears.)

Perhaps you demand more respect from your husband or wife, but when you don't get it, you do nothing but shout and swear. It all ends in a fight and everyone ends up losing respect for each other. You may be a perfectionist, but instead of being motivated to do things the best you can, you are driven by fear of failure, act impulsively, and become despairing if you fail to achieve the bar. All or nothing is what it sounds like in your head. And if you demand to always be in control, this only leads to the fact that you turn into a crazy dictator, afraid of becoming like your mother.

The rage-provoking demand that “other people should not stand in my way” was not true. And everyone who bumped into me on the street, stepped on my foot, stopped dead in the doorway of a crowded store to chat with an acquaintance when I needed to get in or out, or dropped my drink and splashed it on me, or rushed past , overtaking me - all of them were evidence that my demand was not fulfilled.

And although it was obvious to me that the desire for those around me not to block my path was obvious, it did not at all follow from this that they should not. (But I really wish it were that way. If I had my way, no one would drive anywhere when I'm on the road, and stores would mysteriously empty as soon as I walked into them.) As great as this idea may seem, She doesn't have a logical rationale. Desire is one thing, but demand is something completely different.

And finally, this belief did not help me. It made me angry, screaming, swearing, grabbing people and growling at them, which I was told was inappropriate behavior, although at the time it seemed completely justified.

That's all. Dogmatic demands are strict beliefs that get in your way (causing emotional and behavioral problems). Demands aren't truthful, they're meaningless, and they don't help you get what you want (in fact, they make you less likely to get what you want). They are a strong expression of the desire for something and among the four thoughts that set you up, they come first.

So is there a way out of this madness? Is it possible to correct this harmful thought? Can you remove an unhealthy requirement and replace it with something healthier, healthier and more sustainable? The answer is yes, you can, but you'll have to wait until the second part of the book to find out why, because the requirements are just the tip of the iceberg. There are three more harmful thoughts that we need to consider. The next one sounds like “dramatization.”

Claim holders tend to greatly exaggerate the extent of the problem...

A reference to Cherchez la femme, a French expression that literally translates to “look for the woman” and implies that at the heart of every problem or mystery there is a story related to a woman. — Approx. lane

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy

You are deteriorating money energy

Always remember one very important rule: by borrowing money from someone, you violate your financial energy. Your personal money should be yours alone. Always.

You should never lend money if you feel some resistance inside, if your intuition tells you that it is better not to do this. Strictly avoid providing financial assistance to other people on Sundays. On this day you risk giving a person all your financial success.

Under no circumstances should you lend money with your right hand: this way you will also give away all your financial success. It's better not to borrow cash at all. If you want to help another person who finds themselves in a difficult financial situation, do it by bank transfer.

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You may need this money

Our life is unpredictable. Today everything is fine with us, but tomorrow something unexpected may happen. For example, today you borrowed money from someone, and tomorrow your upstairs neighbors flooded you, so you urgently needed a certain amount. What to do in such a situation? Demand to repay the debt immediately? But the borrower is unlikely to do this. Demand that your neighbors compensate for the damage? But they may end up poor. Occupy yourself?

If you want to help someone with money, then don't give it away.

Why did my friend suddenly stop communicating?

Hello! My name is Igor Lapin, I am a professional pickup trainer. Today we will figure out why the girl stopped communicating as before.

Relationships are a complex thing and their development depends equally on both the guy and the girl.

More recently, communication seemed ideal: interesting conversations, mutual understanding, passionate intimacy and other positive things. But suddenly, one day everything changes. The lady stops paying attention as before, answers reluctantly, avoids meeting, and it happens that the girl suddenly stops communicating at all. It seems that there were no scandals, everything went on as always, but suddenly it changed. What is the reason?