- September 9, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Epifantseva Anna
What to do if you meet your first love many years later? There is a story in everyone's life that is remembered more vividly than the rest. Memories of that person overshadow all subsequent ones, no matter how vivid the emotions experienced afterwards. As if he gave something that others could not give. You are drawn to him at the slightest memory of those events, and if you meet your first love years later, you are seized by a real storm of emotions mixed with curiosity. What to do here?
Ideal image
First of all, you should be aware of one thing. You once communicated with this person, and then broke up. And there was some reason why this happened. Why did it happen so? Probably, circumstances got in the way - moving, different plans for the future. Maybe for some reason you yourself interrupted communication. Or perhaps the object of desire did not want to continue. But there is only one conclusion from this situation: if a person burns with love, he always takes a thousand steps towards being together and turns the world upside down. And this thought should sober up from the surging fantasies. The peculiarity of the psychology of a lover is such that there are and cannot be any barriers for the one who loves: people destroy entire families and change cities in order to achieve reunification with their soulmate. Therefore, you need to understand that since you didn’t do everything possible, maybe you didn’t want it that much? There was a reason that held me back from reuniting with this person; my intuition probably did not deceive me. If you resume communication now, these traits will appear again. If that side did not want communication, then does it make sense to focus on one thing in order to suffer forever? A person who once left will again discover the reason why he left. In this state it will be easier to make a decision.
Causes
Psychologists say that the importance of first strong love is high. She tends to acquire over time a veil full of thoughts: “With him I would be happy. If only everything could be returned and corrected!” It may seem that you will never meet anyone like him again. This happens due to idealization; usually there is nothing real behind this idea. This is the most common phenomenon that every person encounters. Your case is not unique. Essentially, these are the thoughts of a child. If you don’t continue to think like that, then you will become very happy with others. After all, you are the master of your thoughts, and not they you? If this is a problem, watch your thoughts: what were you thinking about a minute ago? Now take any new thought that was not in your head, and think only about it. You will notice that it will begin to appear among your thoughts. This proves that you yourself can control what runs through your thoughts, if, of course, you want it.
First love can happen at 12, 18, 22, and sometimes even at 40 years old. During it, a person acquires a unique experience, he discovers hitherto unknown emotions. Everything is seen in a completely different light. This experience influences all further communication with the opposite sex. If the separation was peaceful, there were no mutual grievances, then this positive aftertaste will transfer to the next relationship. When there is a lot of pain and dissatisfaction left, a person experiences suffering, he begins to try to find compensation in other people.
From a psychological point of view, the first serious feelings are a real personal test. The personality will be “built” in accordance with the characteristics of the experience of a given situation. Like any strong surge that unbalances a person, love destroys the previous personality, and what kind of personality will be built later depends only on the lover himself. The irresponsibility or absurdity of a breakup sometimes turns into trauma and great resentment towards people. Such a trail sometimes follows a person, always serving as a reminder that he missed something important. And thoughts come that hope for happiness is lost forever. But this is the purest illusion. And there is not a single person who has not broken wood in the past.
- School years are wonderful...
- Love, infatuation, passion...
Chapter 8. First love...
In response to an adult’s smile, the baby’s mouth stretches into a smile. This is an instinct to imitate, and the child does not care what to copy - a smile or a frown. Cheerful and smiling kids grow up in families where they are welcome, desired and loved. The attitude of parents towards the baby is the first stage in the school of education of feelings. How he will do in this school depends both on his natural needs and abilities, and on how his abilities develop in the process of communicating with adults and observing the communication of adults.
And the first love that a newborn person meets is maternal love. The mother feeds and caresses the child, plays with him. From a psychological point of view, maternal love is a feeling of active interest in the development and growth of another person (child). The desire of children to attract the attention of new acquaintances and to please them has long been noticed. In infancy, this desire to please is not sexually oriented, but already a three-year-old child begins to show the first signs of interest in beings of a different sex. The great Russian writer and doctor V.V. Veresaev called a man and a woman two galaxies, between which there is a high field of tension, attraction, magnetism. These are two different worlds.
Men and women are different
for each other, and thus are constantly interesting and attractive to each other. Asexual communication and behavior is characteristic only of a very early age. In the following, the differences between men's and women's perceptions of the world are obvious, even if "man" and "woman" are barely visible from behind the table.
A person begins to become familiar with the science of love from a very early age. Fairy tales! Stories about the Prince and Cinderella, about the scarlet flower and the Frog Princess, Vasilisa the Wise and Ivan Tsarevich tell about love, about where and how to look for your destiny. Fairy tales teach that you need to choose your betrothed not by appearance, not by clothes, but by spiritual beauty, intelligence, hard work and devotion. Listening to fairy tales, a child receives certain ideas about human values and learns the most important thing in the system of relationships - what love is. And he often gets his first love experience in kindergarten. By observing the baby, parents can obtain important information about their child. Does a boy like one girl today and another tomorrow? Does he come to his girlfriend's defense? Are you embarrassed when the “bride and groom” tease them? Is it easy for a girl to forget her “fan”?
A child learns love, and this is natural, because this is how nature created man. But what the baby’s parents perceive with emotion, they often take with hostility several years later.
School years are wonderful...
The phenomenon of falling in love “with the whole class” is well known. Already in the first grade, “idols” appear, and being in love with whom is considered almost an obligation. They try to attract the attention of these “first beauties” and “first handsome men” at any cost. Moreover, each teenager is simultaneously included in a whole constellation of relationships with the opposite sex. So, for example, a boy, worshiping a common idol, willingly spends time with another girl, treats her as a friend, “his boyfriend,” experiences unconscious sympathy for a third, arouses interest in a fourth, who flatters (or annoys) him with her attention, He is friends with his housemate and shares his extracurricular activities with a girl with whom he goes to the sports section or preparatory courses. Any girl develops a similar set of connections and relationships.
Every more or less long and interested “different-sex” communication is already a school of feelings. Without these connections and relationships, we cannot nurture our feelings, develop our mind and heart. Without these lessons, we will not be able to comprehend not only other people, but also ourselves. School friendship shapes our character, our feelings, it is a rehearsal for love.
But one of the problems that most worries the parents of a teenager is “no matter what happens.” A son or daughter (especially a daughter) has fallen in love - this is a disaster, a natural disaster! The reaction of parents is stereotypical: suspect, be indignant, “don’t let them in,” lock them up, scold them. Their attitude is defined in one word: suspicion. And suspicion is the result of mistrust. How did you raise a child if you immediately begin to suspect? Apparently, even before, relationships in the family developed according to the type: “I order, you obey, but your feelings do not interest me...”
Another common parental (most often maternal) reaction is jealousy. “Don’t you dare love anyone. Except me." Attempts to keep a son or daughter close to oneself sometimes take the ugliest forms, and everything is used: threats, tears, lies. Our poor children...
You can often hear from parents: “When I was your age, I didn’t think about love, but only about studying.” The mother of her daughter usually says this, and the pride in her past that sounds in these words masks a deep feeling of female dissatisfaction. If mom had had the courage to analyze her feelings, she might have realized that she was experiencing envy at that moment. And those parents whom life has deprived of love, sometimes, out of self-defense, tend to consider the experiences of their children as a whim or dirt (“We know your love!..”).
This kind of parental behavior never leads to good things. Reproaches, suspicions, scandals push our children to reckless actions: early marriage, running away from home and even suicide attempts. And if the poor child has been wrecked in his feverish love, spurred on by the unreasonable actions of adults, the parents have the opportunity to utter their favorite phrase: “We warned you!”
True, there are rationalist parents who are quite lenient when it comes to their son or daughter falling in love, but they are firmly convinced that real feelings are still far away, and for now this is so, nothing, nothing. They look down on their child's experiences. “Still young!” And the silent question in anxious loving eyes is answered with a condescending grin: “Yes, your pimply knight called!” (“Yes, your big ass called!”)
How dangerous is this attitude towards the feelings of teenagers! At this age they are extremely vulnerable. Parents, trying to ground, debunk their feelings, humiliate their chosen ones, thereby humiliate their children. This is where the origins of the hatred that growing children begin to experience for their parents are, these are the origins of their aggressiveness, nervous breakdowns and illnesses. And then they really give up their studies, leave home, relieve stress with alcohol, drugs and (the circle is closed!) with promiscuous sex.
The teenager feels powerless next to a self-confident, all-knowing parent, and his feelings begin to seem empty and petty. For a long time, perhaps forever, a feeling of doom and deep resentment towards his parents who did not bother to understand and help will remain in him.
Teenagers are just forming the psychological structure of their personality, and their entire future life depends on what happens at this time and how it affects the teenager. This period in human development is very important, because it can leave indelible scars on the soul. It is during this period that people become intimate-phobic. Who are intimate phobes? These are people who are afraid of lasting relationships. They have friends, partners, sexual relationships, sometimes very long ones, but they run away from marriage like fire. Everything related to starting a family and having children frightens intimate phobes. They experience an unconscious fear of emotional attachments.
Most often, those who have suffered some kind of disappointment in love become intimate phobes. As a rule, intimophobia is very rare in women, but among men of “marital age” (21–66 years old) there are about thirty percent of them.
Love, infatuation, passion...
First love... For everyone it proceeds in its own way, but for few it is easy and simple. Sometimes first love is called falling in love, sometimes - infatuation.
The difference between these concepts, in my opinion, is not only that a person can fall in love and get carried away more than once, but first love is still first love... It is difficult to distinguish first love from real great love. There is nothing to compare with yet.
Here is one of the countless definitions of love: “Love is behavior oriented toward the Other. The purpose of this behavior is to bring joy to the Other or reduce his suffering." In other words, love is expressed in the ability to perceive the emotions of a loved one and create an emotional echo.
A true lover masters the difficult art of sacrificing himself and at the same time not feeling like a victim, but, on the contrary, rejoicing that he had the opportunity to be useful to his loved one. Love is a variable quantity: just because it exists today does not mean that it will always be there. Love can bloom, but it can also hurt and die.
What about passion? This is a strong, sometimes all-consuming craving for another person. To be carried away means to attune yourself to the Other because you need him. This means that a person who is experiencing infatuation is not capable, unlike a lover, of a joyful sacrifice.
Of course, it is impossible to draw a sharp line between love, infatuation, and infatuation, especially since infatuation can imperceptibly develop into love. Only time will put everything in its place. If you want to find out whether you've fallen in love for the rest of your life, you'll have to wait your whole life.
And let people fall in love more! This is wonderful at any age, but in youth it is especially useful. The first love is like a whetstone on which great love is polished. This is a dress rehearsal, without which, as we know, there is no premiere. Even disappointments have their own value. A teenager learns to recognize love, feel, realize, evaluate it and endure disappointment if love remains unrequited.
First love, if you think about it, is never unrequited, because it is self-sufficient. The main need - to see, hear, breathe the same air as a loved one - is satisfied even without the consent of the object of attraction.
A person often draws strength from his love; he is happy simply because his Beloved or Beloved lives in the world. Legends are made about such love. Let us at least remember Niko Pirosmani and his beloved, dancer Margarita, the same one to whom he gave a million scarlet roses. Margarita is present in many of Pirosmani’s paintings, and we, seeing her portraits, are surprised - what did he find in her?
They say that the great Russian actress Ermolova carried a secret love throughout her life and the reflection of this unrequited love fell on all her brilliantly played roles. And we all loved someone, without making plans for the future, without counting on reciprocity, and were happy that we could occasionally see our loved one. Even unrequited love can be happy, and perhaps this is the happiest and most selfless love, because it does not demand anything for itself, the main thing for it is that the loved one is happy. Such a selfless feeling presupposes a complete absence of possessive instincts, and some researchers believe that only this feeling can be called love. But the understanding of this does not come immediately. And how possessive we can be, especially in our youth, how often we confuse love with physical possession!
Gender differences dictate different attitudes toward love among adolescents of the same age. A young man often strives to achieve intimacy from a girl, even without being in love with her. And for a girl, the most important thing is to feel loved, so she often finds herself in a rather difficult situation. She understands that there is no real love, but she really wants there to be! That’s why it’s so difficult for her sometimes to say “no.”
The Eastern treatise on love “The Peach Branch” defines love this way:
Human drives come from three sources: soul, mind and body. The desires of the soul give rise to friendship. The attractions of the mind give rise to respect. The drives of the body give rise to desire. The combination of three attractions gives rise to love.
But youthful sexuality is different from adult sexuality. If the mature physical love of adults represents a harmonious unity of sensual-sexual attraction and the need for deep spiritual communication and mutual understanding between loving people, then in youth these two attractions do not mature simultaneously, and, moreover, differently in girls and boys. Although girls mature physiologically earlier, at first their need for tenderness, affection, emotional warmth and understanding is more pronounced than the need for physical intimacy. In young men, on the contrary, in most cases the desire for physical intimacy appears earlier and the need for spiritual intimacy and mutual understanding arises much later.
The need for spiritual understanding and sexual desires very often do not coincide and can be directed towards different objects. According to one sexologist, “a young man does not love the woman to whom he is sexually attracted, and he is not sexually attracted to the girl he loves, he has a chaste attitude towards the girl who evokes tender feelings in him.”
Due to the different characteristics of the sexual maturation of girls and boys, mutual misunderstanding, vain illusions and, as a result, disappointment may arise. Since girls first have a spiritual need for love, and not a sexual one, then, as a rule, a girl enters into her first sexual contact with the guy she really likes, with whom she is in love. They usually judge others by themselves, which is why many girls think that the guy who gets intimate with her is in love with her. But in young men, sexual maturation is ahead of the stage of spiritual need for love, so they are sometimes ready for sexual contact with women who are indifferent or even unpleasant to them. As a result, the young man’s sexual relations may have nothing to do with falling in love, and he assumes that the girl also enters into a relationship because she experiences physiological needs for sex, and not love. With such a discrepancy between the psychosexual characteristics of boys and girls, mutual disappointment often occurs. The girl thinks that “he is a scoundrel, he abandoned me, he deceived me,” and the young man is sincerely perplexed: “I didn’t promise her anything! We just had sex together, what does love have to do with it?” As they say, “bed is not a reason for dating.”
Very often, teenagers enter into sexual relationships due to a lack of warmth and love in the family. They need not so much sex as affection, friendship, acceptance of themselves by the Other, which they believe sex will bring them. They are driven by a need for intimacy that they did not receive at home. For some, the question is: “If I want to be caressed, hugged, I need to have sexual relations.” Many teenage girls say they weren't interested in sex—they just wanted to be held by a man. Girls in particular strive for intimacy, which is not limited to sex.
Teenagers are engaged in a fruitless search for physical intimacy, not understanding what real intimacy is. Sex for them is a substitute for spiritual intimacy. It is easier to go to bed with a person than to share his dreams, worries and hopes. People are afraid of real intimacy because it makes them vulnerable. Sharing an emotional life requires self-disclosure, and for many, revealing your innermost self to another person is a frightening prospect.
According to sociologists and medical observations, the average teenager’s sexual life begins at sixteen and a half years old. Of course, we are sure that it is early. Even too much. The teenagers themselves don’t think so. About 7% of schoolchildren aged 10–15 surveyed believe that it is normal to start at 13 years old, 9% - at 15, 14% - at 17 years old, and only 5% of respondents believe that sexual activity should begin at 20 years. (Probably only these 5% somehow link the onset of sexual activity with marriage.)
Statistics are statistics, but in reality, in big cities, half of the boys and a quarter of the girls already have sexual experience by the age of 16. These are not some “street children” - these are ordinary children from ordinary families.
A simple question: why do girls at the age of 12–14 agree to first intimacy?
Are they burning with passion? Not at all! Nature will leave them indifferent to sex for a long time. Kissing and cuddling dances are another matter. And sexual intercourse is scary, it hurts, something breaks, there is blood—everything is known, even from girlfriends. You can get pregnant, you can get infected. But... the boy insists. And in 48 cases out of a hundred this solves the problem. The young woman agrees because she is afraid that her friend will be offended and leave her. He will become “friends” with her friend.
And one more factor, confirmed by sociologists, is the desire to experience something forbidden, secret and, judging by the films, very pleasant.
So it turns out that the girl, who just yesterday was playing with Barbie, begins to play “true love.” Sometimes these games end very badly.
Table of contents
Little love
There is no situation that does not depend on you. If a person has built his life successfully, then the first feelings will be a pleasant memory and nothing more. New emotions received in your current personal life will come to the fore. And for some, meeting their first love many years later will be a reason to reconsider their life, to ask themselves the question: “Am I really happy now?” If you are strongly drawn to what is gone, perhaps something in your current lifestyle needs to be changed. As a rule, in such cases, the temptation to meet your first love after many years becomes very great. If both people are free and willingly surrender to the power of feelings, this is ideal. Be sure to plunge headlong into this pool! But the situation will be different when the choice arises - to destroy your family or not.
The pain of first love
The pain of first love. First love... The most beautiful feeling. Youth is not prepared, it does not know what love carries within itself. She knows only the words: infatuation, love, sex - what can happen between a man and a woman. Together with his first love, a person enters adulthood. Before this, he still remains a child who does not understand what is happening to him. Something just vibrates in the body, in the mind, calling you to fly somewhere, to run somewhere. But where? What is this? What do adults do in such great secret?
And first love comes. There are many hopes placed on her. The first kiss, the first hug, the first sex - they are unforgettable. They are unforgettable because the body is still completely innocent and knows nothing about these sensory sensations; the mind cannot yet invent anything about this. He cannot yet stamp and replicate definitions, imposing old perceptions on everything new. Then he will definitely reduce his experience to a specific person, a boy or girl, with whom he experienced certain feelings and emotions. The mind classifies everything and gives definitions to everything, but that will happen later.
And now the first, priceless feeling has come, which knows no cliches and stereotypes, and the body must respond. if the child’s sexual manifestations were not suppressed in the family, then his body will definitely respond - waves of sexual sensuality will begin to rise and roll within it. So the man has grown up! He came into life. He feels like an adult. he has to respond to this feeling. And, of course, all the best is for each other. The young lovers are all beautiful, like spring itself.
But for the most part, lovers come to the moment when they need to part and move on. If a girl or boy shows a tendency to immediately project marriage, this indicates the young man’s desire to capture the desired moments, like frames he liked on a photographic film. That is, in essence, he wants to capture a moment in life and stay in it forever. Even if we imagine that he or she managed to do this at fifteen, sixteen or seventeen... A person’s sexual activity continues on average until he or she is over forty years old, and stopping the search for love almost at the very beginning means stopping the movement of life.
If we meet, we enjoy. But when our feelings are over, it’s time to move on, we need to learn to leave, learn to part. When we meet, we try to attract each other while being the best we can be. But how to break up?
The pain of first love: he didn’t marry, she left and didn’t come back, he fell in love with another - so many of these human stories. They talk about heartache. It must be lived consciously, exactly as long as it lasts, allowing the experiences to touch us deeply. if you suppress it into the subconscious, defending yourself in your mind with certain thoughts, then you can close yourself off from love for the rest of your life. The woman will conclude: men are deceivers and cannot be trusted. The man, in turn, will think that if she fell in love with another, betrayed, cheated, then the conclusion is: women cannot be trusted!
Having gone through your first love without, in fact, experiencing the pain of parting, you can lose the opportunity to meet love throughout your later life. Unexperienced mental pain makes a person wary. He escaped pain, but this pain became his memory, his subconscious. Now he is only concerned that something similar does not happen to him in a month, a day, a year, or in general in his life.
Once closed off from mental pain (the pain of first love), a person becomes insensitive, practical and now selects and verifies his every move while in a love relationship. His mind became insinuating, painful, wary. And a guarded mind is a closed mind that is unable to understand, hear, or realize. He is always tense, distrustful, secretive, and deceptive. But neither the person himself nor other people see this. In order not to experience mental pain, the main thing in life for him may be the desire to achieve what he wants at any cost, compensating for the internal defects that arose due to a lack of understanding of life itself.
No matter what happens in life, there is nothing wrong in it! Nothing wrong happens in it at all. A person may lack only one thing - understanding and seeing the essence of the life situation itself, as it is in reality. Without this essence, a person's view of life remains superficial, and then, without thinking, he judges other people, dividing them into good and bad, into those who can be trusted and those who cannot. Life requires us entirely, so that we become participants in every moment. And, no matter how long it lasts, while we are alive, we have a choice - either tell each other what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, or build our own lives.
____
Psychologist services
Personal growth and self-discovery services
Married, but met my first love
Choices vary greatly depending on gender and experience. Psychologists say that when a man has met his first love and surrendered to her power, he will strive to return to his family, while keeping his emotions on the side. Often public morality is stricter towards women, and they, committing the same actions, can be tormented by this. Based on psychological practice, this is characteristic of them even more so the younger they are.
A representative of the fair sex who restrained herself, who endured a lot for the sake of her family, often discovers with age that no one needed this, that men are much more selfish in this matter, and a guy, having met his first love, will be less tormented by betrayal. Usually, upon reaching the age of 40, a woman begins to live for herself and, having met her first love again, rushes into the arms of emotions and does not avoid cheating. This is a very common case in the practice of psychologists. Having looked at these cases, isn’t it better to draw conclusions for yourself and not wait a few more years to live the way you want?
Having a good family, quality relationships and strong love for her husband, a woman will not be drawn to another. If this occurs, is your husband probably not the best man in your life? The instinctive program of any woman is that she is always looking for the best, she will not be happy until the strongest is next to her. If she realized that there is a weakling next to her, she often begins to persuade herself, tries to come to an agreement with herself in order to leave everything as it is. She even inspires herself to love him. This is because women have been taught for years to adapt to the situation and endure. But this does not bring them happiness.
When that very strong man meets her way, she falls into his arms. This is her nature. And there are a lot of such cases in the practice of any psychologist. Don't you need to admit the truth to yourself and meet your desires halfway, getting rid of the weaklings? Even if the truth entails a revolution in your whole life? Everyone makes their own choice.
How first love affects relationships in the future: a psychologist answers
Content
What does first love mean to an adult? How to get over a breakup? And why shouldn’t you speak negatively about such relationships years later? Psychologist Valeria Yeletskaya explains.
Valeria Yeletskaya
psychologist, creator of the author's personality diagnostic method
Why does everyone talk so much about first love?
First love in Russia is highly idealized due to the Soviet past and upbringing. All the ideas that were broadcast to society at that time were not specific, but very streamlined. In families, it was not customary to discuss personal issues of adolescents, to prepare them for the emotional “swing”, the first relationship. It turns out that at a certain moment a person is faced with powerful turbulence, a test from which he must find a way out on his own. In this situation, people often “mirror” the experience of their parents and demonstrate their complexes. In fact, other cultures do not place as much emphasis on first love and even describe it in less dramatic terms.
At the same time, first love is indeed a very important stage in a person’s growing up and personality development. She must make him holistic, raise him to a new level of perception of himself and the world around him. But it was not there! Very often, the intensity of passions goes off scale, a person becomes immersed in emotions, loses sight of his partner and does not learn the most important things: responsibility, the ability to conduct a dialogue, and evaluate oneself from the outside. And when (if) the relationship ends, the person leaves it with emotional trauma, which directly affects his future and which can be described as the consequences of first love.
If your first love is over, how do you get over it?
If the relationship is over, there is no need to continue to clone it in other situations and with other people. Analyze everything that happened to you, draw conclusions, find the positives. Otherwise, unlived experience, incorrect work with emotions, phobias - all this will be repeated in your life until you complete the chapter called “First Love”. You will meet the same partners and continue to solve the same unsolvable problems.
Before ending a relationship, talk to your partner as openly as possible and talk about your emotions. You will remember everything unspoken and unexperienced for many years to come and return to these thoughts not at the most successful moments in life. For example, when girls' relationships don't work out, they often think about their first love. In fact, these emotions were so vivid because they became new to you specifically at that period of your life.
Going into depression after such a relationship is not the best solution. You involuntarily admit that love is pain, and it cannot be any other way. Afterwards, there are two options for the development of events: you begin to control everything and everyone (so as not to experience pain anymore) or avoid relationships.
What if my first love was a long time ago, but I still can’t forget it?
Many psychologists believe that if you do not relieve stress in time, it will remain with you forever. My opinion: healing is always possible as soon as you decide to choose joy and happiness for yourself. If you yourself like to stew in this broth of pain and tears, then no one else can help. But once you decide to leave a relationship (even a long-standing one) and find out what harmony is, no one can stop you. Creativity, personal or professional growth, self-development, sports, travel, or even changing cities help a lot in this matter. Also, remove all the “anchors” that mentally lead you to this person. Evaluate the experience you have lived, not the emotions that continue to overwhelm you. There is no need to endow yourself and your partner with demonizing qualities or distort the world.
The man is married and met her
As for men, after many years of meeting their first love and giving in to their feelings, most often in the depths of their souls they remember that they have a family. Receiving an even life with loved ones on two sides of the scale and a mistress on the other, they continue to balance, but are in no hurry to leave their wife. There is comfort in the family, and the presence of new feelings on the side only awakens in them the personality of a lover, which adds spice to relationships with women. If your husband has met his first love, you should not expect that he will want to exchange his family for her just like that. It is generally impossible to destroy a strong family from the outside. If it falls apart due to seemingly external forces, this is not so: it means that everything was no longer so good in it, and a crack has long appeared in the relationship between the spouses.
Therefore, the situation is somewhat different when he already experiences discomfort in the family and is thinking about leaving. If such a husband has met his first love, she may be the impetus after which he takes this step.
Sometimes it can be difficult to meet that woman from your younger years for fear of entering into competition with her current lover, who may be better than you. But everything is in your hands. And for sure, if you feel strongly in love, you will not ask such a question. You will simply go to destroy obstacles.
New girl because I'm used to comfort
The process of rehabilitation after the end of a failed personal relationship for representatives of the stronger half of humanity sometimes takes only a few hours. Conventionally, just yesterday he went to the cinema with one girl, today he gives flowers to another and looks at her with adoration. Ladies may consider such individuals insensitive, but this is not so. German sexologist Frauke Hellering conducted her own research and found that only four weeks are enough for men to “lick their heart wounds.” During this time, their defense mechanism is activated, protecting their damaged pride, and the best of the recent past with their ex-partner is erased from their memory. And now men are happy to rush into new relationships. Dr. Hellering believes that this happens so quickly because a young man who has lived with a girl for a long time gets used to the comfort and care with which she surrounded him. In addition, the opportunity to have a permanent sexual partner, which has disappeared from life, has an impact - a young, healthy male body is not able to tolerate this for more than four weeks. Well, in order to get maximum pleasure from communicating with a new person, you need to completely forget the one who was close yesterday, and not try to compare the sexual and other characteristics of your current and former girlfriends, so as not to suddenly find yourself disappointed. Out of sight, out of mind and out of heart.
Emotions
At the same time, sometimes emotions simply interfere with life. Sometimes you can understand with your mind that a person is not suitable, but still have feelings for him. There is only one way out: take a deep breath and announce that you are leaving. Enjoy yourself in this moment of taking a strong and decisive step. A week of black emptiness, subject to cutting off all contacts with a person, will result in a feeling of deep self-esteem, which will then manifest itself in new successes on the personal front. And most importantly, there will be internal freedom to leave the relationship at any time, whatever it may be. The realization that he has the power to leave anyone, at any time, makes a person self-sufficient and damn attractive. Isn't this a wonderful price for that pain?
Well, where we do not
A person's need for love is very deep. When he is filled with someone else's love, he cannot help but love himself. And this is the whole source of his strength, energy, this is his support in life. When she's gone, he languishes. This is a great danger, a direct indication that it is time to change something in life. Often in this state, after many years of meeting first love, a person gets stuck in memories of the past for many years. Forgetting that the past has already died and no longer exists. Why does someone remember the same love story for years and replay it in their head? There is only one reason: insufficient brightness of current life, unsettledness on the personal front. Even while remaining married, a person can be unhappy and dream about missed opportunities and past delights. Of course, it will seem to him that that pie in the sky was the best thing that happened to him. If it turns out that this is so, then this means that this is the best moment to turn everything around.
What dangers are fraught with first love?
From a psychological point of view, first love is the first real personal test for a person. The final “completion” of his personality depends on how a person experiences the period of his first love. The fact is that each of us lives in a society in which the conditions of life and behavior in society are stipulated, no matter in what capacity we are. A child knows how to behave, a student knows what his academic performance depends on, adults know what needs to be done to keep the family in order. But with first love, you have to decide for yourself what to do, you are your own student and examiner. There are no written rules here, no one taught this, and it is impossible to write rules for lovers, since first love gives a person a completely free scale of his personality. Here you are no longer a successful student, not a caring father, not a good friend or an attentive husband, here you are revealed in relation to another person - as you are.
Experiencing this feeling, no one thinks about what kind of apartment the chosen one has, what his status in society is, what kind of car he drives, whether he has a dacha or whether his parents are rich. In first love, no one cares. This feeling is romantic, bright and the purest. And this feeling should be taken very seriously, since, I repeat, this is a serious test for a person, which can not only break all plans, but also break the lover himself. Break him internally.
But what's most interesting about this is that true first love is rare. It is the real one, and not what happened to all of us in kindergarten, school or college. There are many among us who have never experienced real first love, but there are also those who could not stop loving that girl or that boy from the distant past.
Psychologists believe that first love should be complete. Afterwards, you can and should remember about her - either with a smile or with light sadness, as you like, but to yearn for her, and even more so to return to your previous relationship, means dooming yourself to unbearable pain.
Yes, you can remember your first love all your life, yearn for it, then meet it - and experience great disappointment, followed by relief, since you are different people, you are no longer the same young boy and girl and you will never be like that again. But sometimes, if you yearn for your first love and accidentally meet it on the street, you can plunge headlong into this feeling again and forget about everything in the world. Such lovers leave their families, children and enjoy what they have longed for all these years. As a result, families are broken up, destinies are crippled, children are left without parents. And what's the result? Most often, over time, insight comes and a person returns from a fairy tale to reality, realizing that what is gone cannot be returned, he is drawn to the family, his conscience and feelings of guilt begin to torment him.
Understand: first love is an irrational, psychological event. But not vital. You cannot step into the same river twice. When going to meet our first love, we perceive her in advance as a 16-20 year old girl or a young man. But in the end, we have before us a completely different person who may be very inferior to our current life partner.
What contributes to being “stuck” in first love? One of the factors is an unsuccessful marriage. A person who does not fully receive what he needs in his life now may regret missed opportunities. At the same time, the imagination turns on and the person paints a picture in which he and his first love live happily ever after.
The second factor is the personality structure, which is prone to dual feelings. On the one hand, there is love for your current spouse, but all sorts of possible options are scrolling through your head. And here, if an opportunity is presented, and especially one that is associated with such strong feelings, then the person is unable to resist.
The third factor is that this is characteristic of people with narcissistic tendencies who love themselves very much. Self-indulgence and admiration for oneself do not allow one to forget about that time when there was so much admiration, so many pleasant and tender words were said by the beloved. But the most important factor is people, a special category of people for whom psychologically there is no time - neither the present, nor the future, nor the past, nothing except the time “always”. These people perceive everything that happened, relationships and people, as part of their life now, despite the fact that a lot of time has passed, that circumstances have changed, that nothing can be returned. For them, the first love is mine and only mine. And not only was it once, but it is and always will be.
But the worst thing happens not when people get stuck with their first love, but when they did not experience this feeling at a young age. And now, having lived to forty years or more, they fall in love for the first time. This is a disaster, despite the fact that love is a wonderful feeling that carries so many positive emotions and creative effects. The thing is that by this time, as a rule, people already have an established life, have families, work, everything they need for a happy life. And suddenly... a feeling comes that changes everything, turns everything in life upside down. And without this - another, loved one, life has no meaning. This is the danger of belated love. The first love, which does not ask when it will appear, but comes when it pleases and always finds us unprepared. And the rules of conduct for first love are not written down anywhere. So you have to withstand this, perhaps the first serious test of personality, yourself, no longer relying on experience and reason, but on those very feelings that you cannot restrain.
I wish everyone to withstand such trials and come out with honor and stay with love. With first love and forever.
Tags: love, feelings, marriage, psychology
Feelings won't be the same
Sometimes a meeting with an ideal image of the past confirms one fact: you can’t catch the wind. It happens that, having met your first love after 20 years, you realize that feelings will not be the same.
And it’s really like this: whoever tries to bring back the past catches the wind. It won't be the same as before. In the practice of psychologists, there are cases when a person is simply disappointed in his former love. Looking at this ideal image, which has already changed over the years, a person experiences sadness. Out of old memory, I still feel drawn to him, but that mad passion leaves no trace.
Meeting your first love many years later, you go to that young person, but a completely different picture appears before your eyes.
When comparing your nearby husband with that exalted image of a guy from the past, you will always find at least one reason for your real partner to lose in a competition with an ideal hero. After all, the second one was not pettyly annoyed because of the charred potatoes, and did not propose to cast lots for who would go for a walk with the dog. This is an imperfect person with his own shortcomings. But at that wonderful time, man loved and was loved at the behest of inexperienced hearts. Therefore, the first feelings are charming, tender and especially pure. And this is also the past. Having met your first love after 20 years, you see “déjà vu”, which is of a different taste. Maybe it's better to keep warm memories of good moments in your head? Let them remain that beautiful and untouched fairy tale that they once had the opportunity to create. Wouldn't this be more effective than, having met your first love, bitterly noticing that she is not as fresh as you would like?
Why are we looking for her?
The desire to relive what happened in the past can overtake anyone. One day the question may arise in your head: “Where can you meet your first love?” Is this useful?
The thing is that first feelings are part of a person’s life history. With the return to youth, a person is looking for a source of unspent energy.
Such a return confirms consistency: sometimes you need to understand that the choice was made correctly, and the relationship was completed for the better. When a question that has been tormenting for a long time is closed, a person is inspired to build new relationships in the present.
The search for first love is always nostalgia for a bygone romantic era. Many, plunging into the pool of past feelings, revive in themselves that bright personality who knew that the whole world was within her reach, and who had an incredible future ahead of her.
Only with the development of the first relationship does the idealized image of a lover give way to a real person. Usually the question “Where can you meet your first love?” are asked by those who have not had time to sufficiently know each other.
Psychologists believe that in any case, the search for this personality from the past is aimed at oneself. On a subconscious level, a person wants to return to a time when, as it seems to him, he was stronger and purer. This indicates that now his “I” is not realized.
Express
Sometimes those who want to meet their first love are those who feel that their “gestalt was not closed.” That is, questions remained unanswered, there was no sense of completion from those episodes.
This is often felt most acutely when the relationship ended due to the influence of an external force with which the couple did not begin to fight. This could be due to parental pressure in youth, relocation, or public opinion.
On a deep subconscious level, a person identifies this story with the relationship of Romeo and Juliet, forbidden feelings. They are actively cultivated everywhere.
Second chance
Sometimes, having come a long way in his life, having changed a lot during personal crises, a person wants to find some support in the past. If he wants to meet his first love, the advice of psychologists will be clear: he needs to understand why he is drawn to safe territory, where everything has already been studied instead of new unexplored distances.
Finding those feelings again regenerates a person; it may seem that a recipe for eternal youth has been found. Even those who have everything in their life already arranged can go in search of them. It would seem that everything is there: why look for first love? For the fountain of youth!
Female aspiration
Often, female representatives strive to meet that guy from the past, experiencing a craving to get away from the daily routine, where, within the framework of the traditional roles of wife and mother, they become too bored and cramped.
They go into dreams of those relationships where there were no burdensome obligations, and everything was light and airy, like porous chocolate.
Any person likes to feel that there is that support in life to which he can always return. But if he is always mentally in the past, living in memories, then this is direct evidence that he is afraid of the present and the future. He is trying to escape reality into his illusions.
Update
Even if you meet your first love in a photo while searching on social networks, you can be disappointed. It can feel like a walk around the block from your youth. It becomes clear how much the image deposited in the head differs from the real situation. Even if he remains in the heart, then a person will leave less room for him.
Sometimes a meeting with the object of your first feelings can result in a startling discovery: your current partner is your true soulmate.
Psychologists advise: if you have a desire to meet that person from the past with whom a lot of good things are associated, you should bring it to life. This experience is always useful and it in itself cannot destroy anything. It will become an indicator of what is happening in the present. It will show the sincerity of feelings in the current relationship, highlight those moments that need correction, or confirm that everything is fine in the present.
The loss of illusions is extremely useful for further development. It will open the door to a new world in which a person will find himself.
GuruTest
Infatuation and love are two different concepts. Without falling in love, love does not appear - this is an axiom of any relationship between a man and a woman, that is, a statement that does not require proof. When falling in love passes, love remains. Falling in love is the very spark that kindles real feelings and creates long-term affection in the good sense of the word.
Differences between infatuation and love
The first difference: the duration of action. Falling in love can last from one day or one hour to several years. The longer it lasts, the stronger its residual effect in the form of love will be. It's like fuel for the stars - the greater the love, the brighter the love itself will be. The heavier the star, the brighter and larger it is, but its death is also quick, lightning fast. Everyone knows very well, because they themselves have encountered or seen from the outside how people who are not particularly in love with each other date for a long time, but break up hard. This indicates weak love and weak willpower, which does not allow you to let go of the person and free yourself.
The second difference: love can return. There are very bright moments in relationships when you are light and positive with your other half. Here we can also draw an analogy with the life of a star. It can expand and become brighter. Love also has this property, but it can do this not once, but many times. Of course, the power of falling in love again is not as great as at the very beginning, because we already know the person inside and out.
Difference three: falling in love is pure chemistry . During a period of intense love, the body experiences severe stress from pleasure. You can compare this to a powerful drug. A variety of substances are released, so overall concentration and rational thinking are lost.
Falling in love is admiration, emotions, chaos. Love is trust, calmness, respect, warmth, affection, friendship. Love can live forever, but infatuation never. For men, all this works in much the same way as for women. The only gender difference is the duration and intensity of love.
Duration and characteristics of male love
Start. It all starts spontaneously, but not like with women. In men, falling in love appears with increasing intensity, gradually but quickly. Men know how to enjoy it. They first show it with their looks, then with their actions, and then with their tenderness. At the beginning of a relationship, a man who is truly in love can be identified by his eyes and behavior. He never yells at you and is always as gallant as possible. He is absent-minded, so he can get into funny situations. It’s not for nothing that psychologists call strong feelings and the beginning of a relationship a disease, a disorder, because people change radically, especially men. It is in the initial stages that you need to start building true love, and not put it off until later. At the beginning of a relationship, you need to decide on plans for the wedding, plans for your future destiny. If a man proposes too quickly, then there is a chance that he will be disappointed later, so the best period for this is the middle of falling in love.
The height of . He has already gotten to know you better, so he is ready to evaluate you more or less sensibly. During this period, rational men confess their love, propose, or understand that you will not be together for long.
End. Tenderness is the last stage of male love. After this, a sharp but indistinguishable decline occurs, which turns into routine. It is extremely difficult for women to catch this decline, because our love lasts longer than men's. When his hobby and passion comes to an end, your love still lives on.
Falling in love is the building material of love. It allows you to build a long-term relationship or doom love to a quick collapse. During the period of falling in love, it is better not to part with your man for a long time, because this will have a very negative impact on the relationship. This will be even more stressful for both of you. That's why long-distance relationships are not welcome.
If you need specific numbers, scientists can give them to you. The average man's love lasts approximately 2-3 years. Women's up to 5 years old. Don't be afraid of it disappearing from your man, because love can live forever. Give him bright emotions to keep the fire burning in him for the rest of his life. He will repay you exactly the same.
How to prolong a man's love
You need to do the same as during the initial stages of a relationship.
Active intimate life . Without physical contact, a man's love won't last long, so become that girl or woman who never has a headache.
Learn to take a break from each other. Work is the ideal option. You don't need to go to your mom for him to miss you. It is enough to find a job that will eat up your time so that there is no opportunity to generate negative thoughts within yourself.
Give him positivity. A man loves not only your body, smell and habits, but also how you influence him psychologically. Women fall in love with the opportunity to give themselves to someone, and men with the opportunity to receive it.
Lightness . There is no need to be overly strict. Communicate easily, as if with your best friend. Partnerships and friendship are the key to success.
Avoid routine. Travel to other cities, countries, walk in unfamiliar places, try to diversify your life.
Be realistic because living in a fairy tale can make you believe in it and take it for granted. Nothing happens for nothing - you have to pay for everything. That is why it is worth correctly assessing your capabilities in love and understanding your goals. A man's love cannot be made into an idol. It is necessary to respect his emotions, his goals. Finding a man for a serious relationship is not difficult, but you need to evaluate yourself correctly.
Our Yandex.Zen channel always has the most interesting articles on this topic. Be sure to subscribe!
24.04.2018 01:04
Love
Sometimes you can understand that it is that person who is the truest love. This also happens. In this case, you will need to take a number of actions to make sure that this other half also wants to continue. After all, she may have no idea that your feelings have flared up, she may not want to return everything and start over, she may not want to live in the past.
One of the most striking situations is when a girl marries someone she doesn’t love. Only because he will be a good husband and father.
And then, against this background, the very man with whom she feels a strong connection appears. She met her first love many years later. He probably only became better, more successful and more attractive over the years. It doesn't matter where he appeared or why. The memories immediately flashed through all the best moments together, reflections of those vivid emotions that we managed to experience together. At the same time, good moments appear more clearly, and all the bad is thrown aside: this is the property of the human psyche.
And it can’t help but creep into your head, sometimes constantly haunting you. There are more and more thoughts about him. And now - it can no longer be shaken out of the everyday flow of thought! The question arises: what to do if you have met such a past love?
Being in a relationship with someone else and experiencing such a vivid palette of emotions from a living personification of your past, it is worth understanding yourself by remembering the reasons for breaking up with such a wonderful person. There was probably a reason, and not such an insignificant one, since the relationship was terminated. This is where you need to pay the closest attention. Scroll through your head all the difficulties that arose during communication. After all, the deep essence of people never changes anyway. Only a few change radically over the course of life, and this is hardly a unique case. If this affair continues now, then again all the sharp corners will come to the surface, and this will be a repetition of the same steps. Why repeat yourself when you can build a new beautiful love story with someone else, someone who matches your values?
But if your gut clearly speaks in favor of resuming relations, the last line of defense will remain. You need to find out from yourself whether this is really love or just a storm of passions that was caused by one memory of what was and is gone? Perhaps it's just nostalgia. But even if so, there is nothing reprehensible in this. Feel free to plunge into the feeling where your soul calls you. It is always a pleasant and positive experience. You shouldn’t take this too seriously, because it is likely that when you get closer to the person, you will realize that you no longer want to continue. But this experience is necessary, it will bring pleasant emotions. Without taking a step towards the surging feelings, you can be left with a long lifelong regret about what was not done. According to psychological studies conducted in hospices, this is what dying people most often regret: that they never took a risk.
Why do men find it difficult to forget their ex? The answer may shock you
It can be difficult for men to forget their ex.
But be careful, it is not difficult for them to forget all their exes, but only those who really mean something to them. If a man can remember an unforgettable one-night stand with which he really had a blast, he won't have a hard time forgetting it during his next equally intense affair. And it can happen quickly. So you won't hear from this girl for a long time. On the other hand, a true love story doesn't happen every morning. It's not every day you get to experience a story like this. And it doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a girl, it is always more difficult to forget these memories and wonderful moments.
In general, men either want to enjoy the moment with a girl or they want to make a real commitment and create a long-lasting relationship. And when the second type of story doesn't work out, it's hard to accept.
Especially when it was she who broke off the relationship. But you may wonder why it is more difficult for a man to survive such a relationship than a girl.
Failure in such a relationship is difficult to accept because, in addition to the fact that it is the end of a wonderful relationship, it is also the failure of real life choices.
The same thing happens with girls, but sometimes they have a stronger desire to show strength, to show that this does not affect them so much. Hence, show that they can get over their ex quickly.
Men are less likely to try to hide this fact. And in this case, it is difficult for men to forget their ex only when she really meant something to them. You will not be able to forget the meeting, the wonderful memories, the experiences you had together, with a snap of your fingers.
This is a process that can take a long time depending on the intensity of the relationship, the nature of the person and how it ended. And the brighter the love story was, the longer it takes to forget it.
Thinking about your ex can also be a way to fill a void. If, after a breakup, a man has not met a single girl who makes his heart beat as hard as his ex, it is possible that thinking about his ex will help him feel better.
Of course, it will only get worse, because while rethinking his ex, he will most likely sort the memories he wants to keep: the bad ones in the trash, and the good ones, embellished even more.
This process is normal for men who find it difficult to forget their ex. And when a relationship falls apart, it's quite normal to think about those with whom you were once a good couple.
If a man is depressed when there aren't many positive things going on in his work, personal life or family, thinking about his ex can also be a way to remember happier times.
Here again there is a risk of falling into an idealization of the past that does not correspond to reality. Wanting to remember the good, we forget why it ended; we prefer to erase all the bad in order to save only the best.
Because when we have a choice, we fill the void not with bad thoughts, but with the best memories we have, and therefore our most vibrant relationships.
Thus, men cannot forget not only the ex herself, but the entire relationship as a whole. Therefore, in the eyes of men, experience and memories are sometimes more important than the girl herself.
After all, forgetting her is not only saying goodbye to a person, character, her habits, it is also saying goodbye to an entire part of your life, to memories, new discoveries and bright moments.
It's not always easy to accept that these things become distant memories and are no longer as important as they once were.
To accept this, you must look to the future, to the unknown.
It's not always easy to open up to the future without fear. Girls are often accustomed to taking care of themselves and taking responsibility, which makes them less anxious about the future.
This fear of the future can change a man and make him happy only in the past, in what he knows. Again, this is all for the sake of comfort and happiness in the present.
Living in the past means preserving the best memories. It's also a way to prevent yourself from looking too far into an unknown and slightly scary future.
After failure in love, after the end of a story that one really wanted to believe in, a person may feel that nothing good awaits him in the future.
He may think that he will never find a girl who will be as good as the one he knew, who will make him as happy and with whom the relationship will be as strong and vibrant.
At a time of such depression and facing an uncertain future, living in the past and being happy because of it can be a pleasant and comfortable solution.
Not forgetting your ex is a conscious choice. The “Readers' Opinion” section publishes materials from readers.
