How to distinguish love from affection? Psychologist's advice

According to Agatha Christie,

Mutual affection between a man and a woman always begins with the stunning illusion that you think the same about everything in the world.

Swimming in the ocean of happiness, you are probably confident that this is definitely your soulmate. But as soon as people get used to each other, the degree of delight decreases and... hello, first doubts! How to distinguish love from affection?

Is this really your person?

Are you really right for each other?

Let's figure it out together!

What is love?

It is difficult to talk about love as a scientific phenomenon. But without this, it is sometimes impossible to understand your feelings. First, it’s worth deciding on the terminology. It is clear that each person has his own idea of love. Moreover, it has 3 characteristic features common to each individual case.

First of all, this feeling is determined by the degree of frankness. A trusting relationship between two people is a complex psychological process determined by a commonality of views and feelings. Love eliminates the fear of demonstrating one's own “I”. On the contrary, it motivates and inspires self-expression and the expression of the deepest thoughts.

The second significant factor is physical attraction. The partner becomes attractive, regardless of external data. This form of communication is typical exclusively for romantic relationships. This is a kind of fuel for feelings that stimulates the development of mutual sympathy.

The last characteristic is loyalty. A sincere desire to share all your time with your partner is an important aspect of a love relationship. At the same time, the couple is not stopped by difficulties and obstacles. And other people are not perceived as potential objects of desire.

Looking for the main differences

Love and affection are different things, but sometimes these concepts are confused. You can philosophize a lot about the difference between them; in fact, a person experiences both at the same time. They follow each other: attachment is the natural basis of love as a habit of intimacy.

What's wrong with this, you ask?

Let's look at situations from the point of view of fear of changes in usual life and emotions.

This habit causes addiction, which in turn leads to the fear of losing a loved one and a feeling of constant discomfort. In most cases, the actions of an addict will differ little from the actions of a loving person. And he will listen to his partner, do everything so that they do not move away from him and do not get angry.

The main sign of attachment is pain.

From the stress that you might lose your loved one, from the loss itself, from painful thoughts about whether he is cheating. Sometimes a person himself suffers from these experiences, and sometimes he receives pleasure.

Signs of true love

Based on the definition of love, we can talk about its key features. It is not necessary that all of them appear at the same time. However, most of them are still clearly visible in relationships:

frequent thoughts about a loved one;
the desire to give your significant other positive emotions;
periodic analysis of the partner’s words, thoughts and actions;
presence of inspiration, desire for self-development;
unchanging attitude towards a person, regardless of his shortcomings;
deep respect for your loved one.

When these signs appear regularly and do not recede, we can talk about a serious feeling. Another question arises. If everything is so simple, why do people often confuse love with affection? Does she really look the same? This is worth thinking about separately.

Substitution of concepts

In films and many fairy tales, love is defined as an emotional state that comes suddenly, forcing a person to do things that are unusual for him. As you grow older, you come to understand that this state is, in fact, falling in love, that is, affection, but not love.

At a young age, strong feelings are often associated with attachment, without understanding the difference between them. The main distinguishing feature of falling in love is building a relationship on mutual sexual attraction and passion. If in the formed connection there are no common interests between young people, there is no mutual respect, then such a relationship will not last long.

What is attachment?

If you try to define affection, the concept of sympathy immediately arises. This is a rather serious feeling that is associated with long-term adaptation. This sensation can manifest itself to different people and even inanimate objects. Many people are attached to their habits, the type of coffee or their slippers. Pleasant sensations from “favorite things” bring joy.

However, when it comes to relationships with a person, attachment often becomes unhealthy. People are simply afraid of loneliness or suffering, so they cannot let each other go. At the same time, both partners understand perfectly well that they do not feel happiness from this union. But imaginary attraction makes you feel a kind of love, which plays a cruel joke on the couple.

Addiction is a negative consequence

Emotional dependence is an unhealthy attachment in which an individual cannot exist without a significant other. He dissolves in the chosen one, does not feel like a separate person. Sometimes addiction occurs when a partner performs vital tasks for a long time (cooking, caring, providing moral support). The individual’s thirst for possession intensifies, the unbearable desire to constantly be near the “patron”. This is how codependent relationships are born.

A dependent individual constantly struggles with the painful thought that his partner will leave him and the world will completely collapse. He does not believe in himself, they will not trust the chosen one. Possible separation seems like the end of life. This condition is characteristic of individuals who lacked love in childhood due to the coldness of their mother. Often an individual understands that he does not love, but depends. But he can’t help himself. This causes self-hatred and decreased self-esteem (which is already low).

The listed differences were identified by psychologists while working with different couples. But you should listen to your feelings, because every relationship is unique.

Signs of affection

To better understand the very definition of attachment, it is worth determining the signs of this phenomenon. Some of them are completely contrary to expressions of love. This clearly speaks to the polar nature of these feelings. Here are the key signs that clearly indicate attachment:

there is too much selfishness in the relationship, both think only about their own benefit;
everyone in the couple sees only the positive sides of the partner, not wanting to put up with the shortcomings;
both expect changes for the better, but do nothing for it;
quarrels turn into large-scale scandals and mutual grievances;
Despite living together, everyone feels their own loneliness.

Is it worth staying in this relationship? The answer is quite simple. Attachment is a painful condition that is destructive. It is extremely rare that it develops into love. More often, people simply get tired of the tension and dissatisfaction, after which they break off such a connection or find a mistress (lover). Therefore, it is so important to determine the differences between love and affection as early as possible.

How to understand your feelings

Today, it is increasingly possible to meet people who divorced literally a year after starting a family. And it’s good if they didn’t have time to have a baby, because he will suffer the most from the divorce. Therefore, it is so important to understand what is in front of you - love or affection.

There are a number of criteria, by answering which a person will be able to understand whether there are real feelings or just falling in love.

What keeps you close to your loved one? If the answer is external data, a figure, then there are superficial feelings. If you understand your partner’s inner world, can easily point out his strengths and weaknesses, know how to evaluate him as a whole person, perceive him as he is, along with all his shortcomings, then true love takes place.
How many aspects of your loved one's character can you name? If there is attachment, then there are literally two such traits, and they indicate the superficiality of character. For example, a cool gait, an awesome smile. In the case when there is a real feeling, the following answers will be relevant: “in difficult times, he finds words of support,” “if he sees that he is not feeling well, he stands at the stove and cooks dinner.” It’s not so important here how many positive manifestations of your partner’s character you can name, but what exactly these manifestations will be, what their value is for your relationship.
How it all began? If there is falling in love, then the relationship was born on the presence of external factors, such as “beautiful eyes”, “radiant smile”. Love arises from common interests and grows stronger as you get to know a person, becoming stronger.
What is your interest? Attachment, as a rule, can flare up and then fade away. In such a situation, the partner often causes irritation, even over trifles. If there is love, then there are deep feelings about his soulmate, the person will not start scandals right away, he will first think about the reasons for his partner’s behavior.
Do feelings force change? If your partner makes a remark, how do you react to it? Are you angry or trying to change? Of course, it is worth considering the presence of such character traits as hot temper and irritability for any reason. Then this criterion cannot be fully taken into account.
Attitude towards people around you. Love helps change your outlook on life and your environment. When falling in love occurs, a person’s entire attention is concentrated on the object of his affection, and the people around him become secondary in his eyes. If you have real feelings, relationships with relatives and friends will not suffer. Otherwise, there is love attachment.
What feelings come to you when you are about to part with your loved one? If a person begins to experience a breakup acutely, literally tearing his hair out, if the feelings are not real, then over time they will simply fade away.
Frequency of conflicts. Psychologists note that quarrels arise due to the lack of common topics for conversation. When there is no true love, then a large number of disagreements arise in relationships, often groundless. If there are real feelings, then the partners strive to understand each other, make compromises, which allows them to avoid a scandal.
Are you benefiting from this relationship? When it comes to attachment, a person is necessarily looking for some benefit for himself. This is not always a material benefit; it can also be a desire to show off a handsome guy to your friends.
It is very difficult to part with a loved one. It’s easy with someone who arouses affection.
In love, we show concern for our partner. When there is attachment, there is more egoism.
Love allows you to be free and has no restrictions in relationships. Attachment paralyzes partners.
Love is a lasting feeling. Attachment is short-term.

True love is characterized by the desire to make your partner happy, but a person also does not forget about his own needs and feelings.

There is no need to focus too much on the criteria outlined above. Situations may vary. For example, a couple in which people really love each other may experience temporary communication difficulties. The partners begin to quarrel, but literally after a few days their relationship can improve. Therefore, it is so important to look at the whole situation as a whole, to evaluate everything, both objectively and subjectively.

Differences between love and affection

In addition to the general signs of both feelings, there are certain marks by which unhealthy attraction can be identified.

Love is a storm of emotions. She cannot be apathetic or passive. People who are attached to each other rarely experience true passion or happiness in a relationship. Rather, anxiety, sometimes even paranoia, manifests itself here.
Affection is always about yourself, love is about another person. When you want to do everything for your partner, and his feelings are more important than your own, you can be confident in the correctness of your choice. If you just need someone nearby, you should reconsider your need for this relationship.
Love gives energy, affection takes away.
Attachment binds, but love liberates. A sincere feeling gives a feeling of complete security. It becomes easy and calm to be around a person. Attached people are only burdened by the attention of their partner. Jealousy turns into a poisonous dagger that gradually destroys relationships.
Love gives new opportunities, affection makes you fight for power. True soul mates have a chance to experience true freedom. They are filled with energy and a thirst for life. Attachment makes you doubt, fight for control over the situation, and therefore terrorize your partner.

These are just some of the differences between these feelings. However, they clearly demonstrate how big the difference is and how easy it is to notice.

Pros and cons of relationships without true love

Quite often you can hear the phrase: “It’s better that they love me than I love someone.” There are many advantages in such relationships, but only if it is a matter of sympathy, and not habit or addiction. The lack of true love leads to suffering and a feeling of loneliness. Advantages:

freedom of action, since there are no remorse;
there is no jealousy, which has a very good effect on the psychological state, peace is not disturbed;
increased attention to one’s own person in exchange for little;
you can have an affair on the side, change sexual partners, which initially seems tempting.

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Flaws:

spiritual emptiness, loneliness;
feeling of a wasted life;
decreased self-esteem;
lack of feeling of real happiness;
periodic irritability towards a partner;
involuntary focusing on the shortcomings of the chosen one.

However, relationships without true love that are based on healthy attachments last longer. There is trust between partners, mutual assistance, and care. To the spouse’s question, “Why don’t you leave me?” You can often hear the answer: “I’m used to you, where should I go to someone else’s aunt?” In such a marriage, a man perceives his wife more as a mother. He stays with her because he feels comfortable. At home they will always feed you, clothe you, and take care of you when necessary.

The woman, in turn, gets used to a certain rhythm of life, her husband’s shortcomings, and does not want to start a new process of building a relationship with another man. She does not want to experience new emotional upheavals.

Giving up attachment is the path to happiness

Having realized that attachment can be harmful, there is a need to abandon this feeling. However, everything is not so simple. Many people torment themselves for years with relationships going to a dead end, simply because they are afraid of change. There are several effective ways that will make it easier to get out of the state of attachment:

It is necessary to clearly identify all the shortcomings of the object of desire. It is advisable to revive in memory all quarrels and negative moments.
You need to understand how painful the relationship has become. Giving up them is like leaving a harmful addiction.
There is no need to enjoy your suffering. It's better to spend more time with friends and loved ones.
You should organize your day in such a way that there is no time left to think about the subject of painful attraction.

Sometimes it is useful to understand yourself and your own relationships. With effort, it is quite easy to distinguish love from affection. The result will allow you to avoid many unpleasant situations and give you a chance to find sincere feelings without wasting time on imaginary hopes.

Ways to get rid of psychological addiction

Psychological dependence is a pathological condition in which one partner cannot imagine his life without the other, psychologically depends on him, and the latter, in turn, takes advantage of the helplessness of the “victim”. Such relationships are characterized by signs of dominance. An addicted partner agrees to almost anything just to avoid being abandoned.

The difference between true love and psychological dependence is that neither partner in such a union feels happy. It is important to distinguish between concepts, be able to correctly assess the situation, and get rid of addiction in a timely manner.

First you need to analyze the situation:

level of freedom in relationships;
own feelings, state of health;
dependence of mood on the emotional state of the partner;
a dependent person blames his chosen one for all his misfortunes, not allowing the thought that his unhealthy attachment is pathological;
personal independence.

There are several ways to get rid of psychological addiction:

Start working on yourself. Increase self-esteem, expand your sphere of communication, improve professional skills, etc. You need to restore the balance between relationships, personal space, your desires and aspirations.
Continue in the same spirit, hoping that this condition is temporary, everything will change soon. Even after interrupting one dependent relationship, a person enters into another similar one. The same problems begin again.
If deep down there is an awareness that the relationship is disastrous for both, then it is better to leave. You need to understand what you want, and not think about what you need to do.

Experts offer an algorithm for the right actions, tell you how to distinguish affection from love, but you can only change the situation yourself. This requires a strong will and a clear understanding of your desires.

Is it possible to return love from attachment?

Family life is destroyed and turns into a routine because passion and romance leave it. If you want to improve your relationship, bring back romance and passion into your relationship. Make your partner feel desired again, diversify your sex life, resurrect what was once between you.

There is no panacea, no general advice that will help you get your love back. Each case is individual and each case has its own reason. First of all, conduct introspection and find the answer within yourself: is there love or affection between you? Then think about what you are willing to do.

How often do we begin to appreciate a person and everything he did for us only after we lose it. You should not bring love to the point of indifference. There is no turning back from there. It may turn out that when you find another person, you will regret the past. If a person is truly dear to you, then you will do everything to ensure that your relationship does not develop into a routine and does not turn into a habit. Just ask yourself the question: “Do I need this person, do I love him.” If the answer is yes, then fight for your happiness to the end, because love is worthy of being fought for, appreciated, cared for and cherished.

We updated this article on December 24, 2022.

Conclusions TheDifference.ru

Attachment is based on external attraction; for love, what is important first of all is spiritual kinship.
Attachment either fades or flares up, love is a more even, strong, deep and constant feeling.
Attachment spoils the life of both one and the other partner, love gives strength and freedom to the lover and the beloved. Love makes a person better, more perfect.
Attachment is based on self-centeredness and selfishness, love is completely devoid of self-centeredness.
Attachment makes us expect our partner to meet our desires and requirements, but love expects nothing. A loving person gives without demanding anything in return.