How to distinguish physical attraction from love: advice from psychologists

Sometimes it is difficult for each of us to understand our feelings and understand what we really feel for another person: love, sexual attraction, affection, or just sympathy. Especially for those who are now in such uncertainty, we decided to talk about how to distinguish simple attraction from true love. Find out if your relationship can be called happy

- read our article about their signs.

Sometimes it is difficult for each of us to understand our feelings

You want to help

A very important difference is your desire to help your partner and support him in any difficult situations. If you worry when he has difficulties at work or in the family, and are ready to listen and support him, it is unlikely that you are only experiencing sexual attraction for this person. Most likely, you are connected by something much greater.

And it works exactly the same way in the other direction. If you ask for help and receive a refusal over and over again, a request to cope on your own, or support like “Come on, everything will be fine,” most likely the person you doubt about is not in love with you.

If you are ready to help a person in difficulties, then there is not only attraction between you

You don’t want to be separated and strive to spend as much time as possible with each other

Most often, simple sexual attraction is limited to periodic evening and night dates, which can end before morning. If you constantly spend time together and do not want to part, there is a high probability that what is between you cannot be called just passion.

If you're looking forward to a meeting and are upset when it comes to an end, think about taking your relationship to the next level, because meeting someone with whom you truly feel good and comfortable is actually not so easy.

What is falling in love

Before we discuss the difference between infatuation and love, let's try to understand what both of these terms mean. Sandy Lamott, a CNN journalist, explains the initial sparks of passion in her article:

“That first spark of attraction ignites an area hidden deep within the brain called the ventral tegmental area, or VTA. Recognizing a potential reward, the GP begins to produce a chemical called dopamine, called the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, which causes an uplift in mood.”

She goes on to explain that dopamine is not only associated with feelings of “romance,” but also with addiction.

“Jumping from neuron to neuron, dopamine travels along an ancient pathway called the mesolimbic pathway, causing the brain to pay attention and respond to expected rewards from food, drugs, hugs, sex or other activities.”

So, when we fall in love, we experience a kind of chemical high that has little to do with who our lover is and whether he is suitable for us for a long-term relationship.

By the way, even during the period of falling in love, we often feel such a strange phenomenon as “butterflies in the stomach” - read more about them in a separate article.

• M+F Butterflies in the stomach: what actually causes this physiological reaction What kind of phenomenon is this?

Because of this dopamine surge, you begin to want a “new dose” of pleasure - just like smokers dream of another cigarette. And although falling in love is a short-lived state, it can lead us to someone who could become the greatest love of our life. Don't rule out this possibility!

Just keep in mind that when everything is happening very quickly and you are not completely in control of your emotional state, it is worth trying to take a little distance from the object of your feelings and remember to show yourself love.

Let your dopamine levels drop a little so you can be more aware of your feelings for her.

You are not pretending to be anyone

One of the biggest signs that there is more than just attraction between you is that you feel so at ease with the person that you don't have to pretend to be someone else. You are not trying to be better than you really are, you are not assigning yourself some non-existent qualities. You are just as calm about your appearance - you don’t rush to put on makeup as soon as you wake up, you don’t meet your partner exclusively in smart clothes, but you can calmly be next to him in warm pajamas and your favorite home T-shirt. Around him, you simply remain as you are and behave as you would behave alone or with your closest friends.

When “to be, not to appear” is your rule in life

You don't hide or feel shy about your partner

For your family and friends, your partner is not some mythical creature that no one has ever seen, but only heard many stories about him. This is a very real person whom they have seen more than once, and who comes with you to birthdays, weddings and parties. If he has long become a friend or a good acquaintance of your friends and fits into your company, most likely it is difficult to call him your little hobby.

By the way, good self-esteem helps to avoid embarrassment of yourself and your choice (other half). We have already written in the article “How to love yourself and strengthen self-esteem.”

You talk for hours

When you are together, you are not silent for a minute. You can discuss both the simplest things, like what happened over the past few days, and the global problems of the universe that concern you. You never have enough communication with this person, and it seems that the topics for discussion will never end. What is very important is that you share the most intimate things, sometimes even what those closest to you don’t know about you. You are not afraid to trust this person with the most personal things. If all this fits your relationship, then there is definitely more than passion between you.

You never have enough communication with this person

Do you have joint plans?

Most often, people who are together only because of sexual attraction do not have any plans. Because their relationship is limited to simple physical attraction, behind which there is no emotional component. Both understand that this is temporary, so they see no point in making long-term plans.

Things are completely different in those couples who are connected by love. Even if they are not yet making plans to get married and have children, they can discuss vacationing together, renting a shared apartment, and planning activities together. You can start small. The main thing is that joint plans are, in principle, present in your life.

You can make plans both for the next vacation and for joint projects

Signs of attraction to a man

Strong sexual desire on the part of a woman is usually manifested by a number of non-verbal external signs. Some of them appear unconsciously, as a natural reaction to the object of attention, others are used consciously to attract attention.

If a woman is attracted to a man, then she automatically:

• makes a head movement, raises his face for a better view of the object of interest;
• straightens her hair, revealing most of her face and neck.

To attract attention and stand out from the crowd:

• smiles - a man would rather approach a less beautiful woman with a smile than the rest of the fair sex with a neutral face;
• laughs loudly and loudly;
• demonstrates a beautiful and slow gait, swaying his hips;
• takes a beautiful pose - straightens his back, bends at the lower back, crosses his legs;
• casts a flirtatious, fleeting glance, with a bashful aversion of the eyes;
• slightly exposes the shoulder, wrists, knees, neck;
• plays with her hair, braids it, twirls it around her finger.

Love is, first of all, spiritual closeness, emotional attraction.
Sexual attraction is strengthened by shortening the distance, taking initiative in getting to know each other, copying a partner’s gestures, licking lips, playing with a chain and rocking a shoe on the toe. If a man is interested, we can talk about mutual sexual attraction followed by a pleasant conclusion to the meeting.

You've been together for a long time

As we already said, attraction most often does not last long. After some time it passes, and then two options are possible. Either relationships between people transform into something more, or they simply end. If you and your partner are in a long-term relationship, most likely there are feelings between you that keep you together. At the same time, of course, it is worth mentioning that this does not mean meetings once a month for three years. Of course, in such a relationship there can hardly be any talk of love.

Attraction to a man: reasons for the absence and ways to increase it

Loss of sexual desire can be permanent (anhedogia - the inability to experience pleasure) and temporary under the influence of various factors.

A woman may have several reasons for this:

• frigidity – lack of excitability;
• psychogenic factors - fear of pregnancy, sexual diseases, penetration, injury, bleeding;
• gynecological diseases, exacerbation of chronic diseases;
• dyspareunia – pain during sexual intercourse;
• physiological aversion to a partner;
• pregnancy, breastfeeding;
• emotional state – fears, depression, nervous tension, fatigue.

Lack of libido for a long time requires psychological help or treatment from specialists.

Situational loss of desire can be dealt with in simple ways:

• “listen” to the pheromones of your beloved man, the smell of your partner is unique and has an exciting effect;
• use natural aphrodisiacs - cardamom, coffee with cinnamon, dark chocolate, caviar, avocado, almonds, bananas, hot peppers, oysters;
• take a one-time potency drug based on yohimbine, cantharidin, ginseng;
• engage in moderate physical activity - gymnastics, fitness, swimming, jogging;
• think positively, be in a good mood.

A woman’s attraction to a man is a natural and wonderful sensation, without which a love relationship is impossible.

You have common interests and you like to spend time together not only in bed

Common interests can be anything - from watching all the new TV series together to skydiving, from embroidery to philosophy courses. The main thing is that you like to do this together, that it has become your tradition - say, meeting every Friday and listening to lectures on quantum physics, and then drinking coffee in your favorite cafe.

Any common interests and joint activities that do not relate to your sex life indicate that you are at a certain level of mutual understanding when you want to spend time not only at night, but also share interests and everyday life with your partner.

It's cool when you have common interests - for example, sports

You are always in touch

Whatever happens to you, your partner is always the first to know about it. Something joyful happened to you - you immediately share your happiness with him. You have some kind of trouble, or just a bad mood - you go to him again to share it and get support. Such communication speaks of a high level of closeness and intimacy, which cannot be achieved in a relationship that is based only on sex.

In addition, if you always learn everything first of all from another person and know all his secrets, then, most likely, he is not with you because he feels exclusively attracted to you.

What is sexual desire

Physical attraction to a person is a whole complex of experiences and emotions based on the biological instincts of reproduction. It is expressed in the desires and aspirations of sexual intimacy with the partner you like. In professional literature it is referred to as “sexual desire” or “libido”.

The direction of attraction depends on two fundamental factors - genetic (set of chromosomes) and psychological. It is based primarily on instincts that are inherent in humans by nature. To these are added individual personality preferences and emotional characteristics. Together, these components are the basis for building a love relationship.

ATTRACTION is an instinctive sexual desire directed towards a person of the opposite sex.

Strong physical attraction between a man and a woman manifests itself:

• the desire to continue the family line;
• get physical and psychological relaxation;
• achieve pleasure;
• assert oneself;
• compensate for missing areas of life.

The intensity of the sensations can vary - from a rare desire for intimacy to a willingness to have sex for days. What does physical attraction to a person depend on? It all depends on the individual characteristics of the individual, age, functioning of the brain and endocrine glands, hormonal levels, upbringing and living conditions.

Can you feel it

In fact, everything is extremely easy - you just need to listen to yourself. Really listen and understand what your inner voice is telling you. Because he and your intuition are almost never wrong. If it seems to you that a person is with you only for sex, or that he does not want to build any future with you, most likely you don’t think so.

If you feel that this is the person with whom you could share your life, if you feel at ease and comfortable together, and you just can’t imagine yourself apart from him, then listen to yourself.

We are used to deceiving ourselves and often not doing what we want deep down. But if you stop and listen to what your inner voice is saying, you will know exactly what you need to do. The main thing is to remain honest with yourself.

And if you want to know something else about relationships, then read our article on invme about how to get closer to your loved one .

Whether or not to agree with the arguments below is up to the reader to decide.

At the first meeting, a man experiences sexual attraction to a woman - he calls this “spark”, “love at first sight”, but in fact it is a powerful release of testosterone into the blood. The ancient Hindus said: “There are three sources of human desires: soul, mind and body. The attraction of souls gives rise to friendship. The attraction of minds is respect. The attraction of bodies gives rise to desire...

The union of three attractions gives rise to love.” When a man wants a woman, he uses all kinds of seduction tricks - he says what she would like to hear, treats her the way she wants. Having seduced a gullible woman with his charms, he creates in her the confidence that she is loved (in fact, she is still only desired). But, having achieved what he wanted, he loses interest in the one he recently lusted after. The woman is offended by this behavior. She regards intimacy as the apogee of love. It leaves a bad taste in her soul, as if she had been used. As sad as it is, to a certain extent it is true - the man used it to relieve sexual tension.

A man can get “turned on” by seeing an erotic photograph or a scene in a movie, a glimpse of a piece of naked body in the neckline of a stranger’s clothing, beautiful legs or breasts, and from many other things that are designated by the word releasers (external stimuli that cause sexual arousal). Excitement is accompanied by an erection, which goes away after some time. But it happens that a man remains excited for quite a long time. When he is in an excited state, he requires physiological release. In this case, any woman who happens to be nearby will suit him. She may be a permanent partner or a girl whom he is still courting, but it may also be the one he is seeing for the first time.

Cunning men know that the cynical proposal: “Shouldn’t we sleep?” - will shock and repel any self-respecting woman, and therefore they use the entire arsenal of seduction tricks.

What does a man overcome with desire do to achieve what he wants? Exactly what most women regard as infatuation, infatuation and even love: he says compliments and various sweet nonsense with erotic overtones, confesses his love. Moreover, he skillfully combines words with action: he hugs, kisses, caresses, so that his partner also feels sexual arousal.

In the life of every man, there have been cases when he sought in sex only pleasure or even just a release of sexual tension, while a woman is more in need of the emotional aspect of intimate relationships. She regards a man's kisses, hugs and caresses as an expression of his feelings. This is why women are disappointed when, after sexual intercourse, a man immediately loses interest. He can get up and leave, leaving an indifferent goodbye: “Bye!”, without even bothering to take his partner’s phone number; or may promise to call, but will not call; or he might call two weeks later, telling a big lie that he was very busy (in fact, he didn’t even remember about her, but remembered only when he was once again “in the mood”).

It is a rare woman who will not respond to the passionate embrace of the man she likes. And it’s rare that a woman will not feel the fire of desire. But for her it’s not just sex—the feelings she has for a man come first. If she is indifferent to a man, then his hugs and kisses are unpleasant to her.

Many men use romantic confessions only at the stage of seduction. Some cynical representatives of the stronger sex claim that beautiful words are needed only to get a woman into bed, and after that tenderness is no longer necessary.

If this is the case with your partner, know that he does not love you. He just uses a typically masculine technique: tender words, declarations of love - just a necessary prelude to sex. Women want to hear them, and men tell them so. But only before or during “intimacy”.

A man’s behavior in and out of bed can be strikingly different: in an intimate setting, he is gentle, affectionate, and speaks words of love, but as soon as the sex session ends, it’s as if he has been replaced. Just now he whispered: “God, how good it feels to be with you!” You are the most desirable, most beloved woman in the world!” - and here he stands at the window and smokes, cold and indifferent, a complete stranger. If the one who five minutes ago was “the most desirable” turns to him, expecting kind words, he looks at her with bewilderment, saying, who are you and what do you even want from me?!

Many women are in a similar situation. It seems that there is a man in her life, but at the same time he is not there. He appears whenever he wants, and she waits for weeks for his call. When he comes, everything is great. He says that he loves her and that he missed her very much, but was so busy that there was not a single free minute. But he constantly thought about her, remembered and yearned. And a woman believes everything her lover says.

A man loves with his eyes, and a woman with her ears! The more beautiful words a man says, the more a woman falls in love with him. And at the same time, he doesn’t even think that the lover’s words are at odds with his actions. If he was so homesick, then why didn’t he find an opportunity to see each other? There are no things that cannot be postponed or rescheduled. The one who loves can neglect even important matters in order to see his beloved. What's the matter! In the name of love, men perform heroic deeds! And here are some banal excuses: “I was very busy,” “I didn’t have a single free minute...” Well, let’s say he was really busy, but at least you can call! And besides, things happen during the day. But there are also evenings and nights. Yes, there is no such work until late at night and seven days a week!

It cannot be denied that work is a priority for a man. But a loving man devotes himself to his favorite job, not to the detriment of the woman he loves. If he knows that she misses and is looking forward to him, won’t he really find an opportunity to meet?! But most importantly, the lover WANTS to see his beloved!

A person in love is very resourceful and will find time even when there is absolutely no time! Dear women! When a man disappears for two weeks and then says that he couldn’t even call because he didn’t have a single free minute, don’t believe it! Did he go to the toilet? Did you have breakfast, lunch, dinner? So, I could find time to call. And he didn’t call because he didn’t want to, because he was busy with something (not work at all!) that was more interesting to him than communicating with you - for example, he drank beer with friends, went to a sports match, was in a restaurant on another occasion. a woman or at a friend's birthday party.

Men catch gullible women, knowing how words of love affect them. He says: “I love you!” - and the woman melts. But there is no love! This is just sexual desire, in a simplified form - a combination of the effects of the male sex hormone testosterone and the so-called Tarkhanov phenomenon - accumulated sperm presses on the walls of the seminiferous tubules and requires sexual release (you will forgive me for being mundane). Primitive sexual desire can be mistaken for love, if you call it in the most beautiful words, but - alas! - This is not love. In such cases, “I love you” means “I want you,” and sometimes even more cynically, “I want sex.”

Love is, first of all, spiritual closeness, emotional attraction, a state when it is impossible to live without each other, you want to be with your loved one every second, live his life, his problems and worries, accept him for who he is, with all his shortcomings and virtues are respect for each other's rights, empathy, unity of soul, finally. And meeting from time to time is not love, it is just sexual release. But how often a woman’s desire to be loved puts blinders on her eyes, and she does not see what, it would seem, is visible to the naked eye!

“You are the way I imagined you, the way I dreamed of you,” is approximately how a woman in love perceives her lover. She really is in love, because a woman can fall in love with anyone if you create the illusion that she is loved and desired! How often are banal phrases about sublime love mistaken for true love - after all, a woman loves with her ears! The tempting serpent in the form of a man whispers sweet words to her, weaves three boxes of it, but she believes and melts.

This does not mean that all men who confess their love to a woman actually experience only sexual attraction to her. There are also those who really have sincere and deep feelings. Without a doubt, a truly loving man also experiences sexual attraction to his beloved, but not only that.

A sane person cannot make his life dependent on someone: I can live with him, but not without him. Losing a loved one is a tragedy, but it is not the end of life.

When life is “fixated” on one person, and there are no interests besides him, this is not yet love. It is addiction.

Love is when there is an invisible connection between two people. They need each other so much that they use every free minute at least to hear the voice of their loved one.

Some interesting facts about men.

Admiring women's breasts prolongs men's lives

Regular admiration of women's breasts helps prolong a man's life, according to researchers from Germany. Scientists conducted a study in which 200 men took part. Experts observed the subjects for five years.

It turned out that those who regularly enjoyed looking at busty representatives of the fair sex had lower blood pressure, a calmer pulse, which reduced the risk of heart attacks.

Experts have come to the conclusion that admiring female forms has a very beneficial effect on the male body. They calculated that just 10 minutes of looking at female forms has an effect on the body comparable to 30 minutes of aerobics.

Psychologists have figured out how to quickly calm a man down

Psychologists have found a universal remedy for calming, which was used by our ancestors back in prehistoric times. Researchers have concluded that nothing can calm a man down as quickly as the sight of a freshly cooked piece of meat. The researchers linked this finding to the circumstances of primitive times, when men had the role of breadwinner. The heads of families went hunting to provide food for their relatives. Therefore, they associated the type of cooked meat with the fact that everything is good in the family and all relatives are well-fed.

Moreover, fried meat was for them not just food that could quickly satisfy hunger, but also a symbol of home comfort and tranquility. According to scientists, this is explained by the fact that in ancient times the whole family gathered together for food, as it was the safest.

Every fifth man in Europe does not love his wife

An unprecedented study was conducted in several European countries, scientists found out how the duration of marriage affects the feelings of the spouses. It turned out that men and women who are married quite often do not have tender feelings for their partner.

During the study, tens of thousands of male representatives were interviewed about relationships with their wives and feelings between them. It turned out that every fifth married man loves not his wife, but another woman.

After interviewing the women, experts also discovered a rather sad situation. It turned out that 20% of the fair sex did not experience tender feelings for their spouse.

According to researchers, the picture of the relationships and feelings of men and women in marriage looks quite dramatic. Most often, over the years, feelings fade away and people continue to live together out of habit or because of other obligations, finding the object of love on the side or living without it at all.

European men can no longer have children

Europe is on the verge of a new serious demographic crisis, the main cause of which is male infertility. Researchers from the European Science Foundation (ESF) have also found that the main cause of infertility in today's young Europeans is obesity.

The study showed that the sperm count of 40% of Europeans aged 18-25 years is not sufficient to achieve easy and reliable fertilization. At the same time, 20% of young people have a sperm count less than the level established by the World Health Organization. This means that they can only conceive through in vitro fertilization (IVF).

Scientists, having analyzed the results of more than 70 studies performed on European material, came to the conclusion that obesity leads to a significant decrease in the body’s production of the male hormone testosterone. A number of studies demonstrate a clear connection between decreased testosterone levels and obesity.

In Britain, 42% of men are considered “overweight” and 24% are considered obese. Accordingly, the difficulties of conceiving in Britain are very great: every sixth couple is forced to resort to the IVF procedure.

Talking to blondes makes men stupid

When faced with a blonde, men become stupider. Their brain activity is reduced, their IQ is reduced, and their cognitive abilities are slowed down. French scientists came to this conclusion. Representatives of the stronger sex were shown photographs of charming blondes, after which they were asked to take intellectual tests. According to scientists, after photographs of blondes, men actually “lost their heads,” that is, they thought much worse than after photographs of brunettes.

Scientists believe that men are subconsciously influenced by the stereotype about stupid blondes, and they try to adapt to their interlocutor and not be too clever.

Families are increasingly being torn apart due to online affairs.

Increasingly, virtual novels are becoming the cause of family disagreements and divorces, British psychologists say. According to experts, the danger of virtual communication is that a person invents a lifestyle, name, profession, age. He is definitely handsome, smart, gallant, that is, something he usually is not in life. However, without taking this into account, men resort to virtual love without thinking about the consequences.

Psychologists believe that women who discover their husband’s correspondence should not regard a virtual affair as treason, otherwise the family will no longer be able to exist. Having accidentally discovered your spouse’s virtual correspondence, try to understand what your man lacks in family relationships. In such situations, revelations read on the Internet become useful to both spouses, experts say.

Men's jealousy depends on their height

Scientists have found that short men are more jealous than taller representatives of the stronger sex. In a study conducted by Spanish and Dutch researchers, 549 men and women were surveyed about their views on jealousy.

In particular, scientists tried to find out what makes them feel insecure. The results of a study published in the British scientific journal New Scientist showed that men worry about attractive, rich and powerful rivals.

However, scientists found that the taller a man was, the less jealous he was. Previous studies have shown that tall men are often more successful in their careers, earn more and have more beautiful girlfriends. Researchers believe this is caused by the association of height with attractiveness, physical superiority, and good reproductive performance.

Source:
Online magazine “He and She”
Author:
Eddy