My husband is jealous of the past, what to do, advice from psychologists

Increased interest in a partner's past romantic and sexual life is called retrospective or retroactive jealousy. Often it does not have good reasons, but it poses a serious threat to relationships.

At first, you just feel uncomfortable thinking about your crush's ex-lovers. Then you begin to doubt the value of the current relationship, consider your partner immoral and groundlessly suspect him of cheating. Finally, jealousy takes over completely, forcing What Is Retroactive Jealousy / Ballard Psychiatry to check social networks and browser history, spy.

At this stage, flashbacks may occur about events that you have never witnessed. According to relationship counselor and sexologist Ammanda Major, Retroactive jealousy: Obsessed with my partner's past / BBC, this often leads to obsessive thoughts and an insatiable desire to find out what "really happened" between a partner and their previous lovers.

Amanda Major

relationship consultant and sexologist

This can end with the person tormenting both himself and his lover and turning the relationship into an abusive one.

Reasons for being jealous of your wife's past

If a girl had several boyfriends before marriage, then the husband may doubt whether she will be faithful to him in marriage.
The reasons for the behavior are considered to be a sense of ownership, uncertainty, and low self-esteem. In fact, every person is characterized by jealousy, but some individuals can control emotions, while others are eaten up by thoughts from the inside.

Nature has laid down psychological attitudes in people:

1. The male must fertilize as many females as possible.
2. The female must have a single partner.

It turns out that a man is not forbidden to have rich experience of past relationships (and this is even tacitly encouraged: the richer the experience, the cooler the man), while a decent woman supposedly should not have any premarital relationships.

If a girl had several boyfriends before marriage, then her husband may doubt whether she will be faithful to him in marriage, whether she will want variety.

Provoking factors of jealousy include:

1. Idealization of romance novels. A person lives by outdated traditions and believes that a woman should marry a virgin.
2. Little experience. If a spouse had fewer connections before marriage, then he feels awkward because of this, gets irritated, and may cheat.
3. Love of youth. The guy might have fallen in love a long time ago, but the girl became his wife after a while. It was deposited in the subconscious that the chosen one “cheated on him.”
4. Familiar exes. The man sees ridicule from people who had contact with his wife.
5. Suspicions of infidelity. If a girl keeps in touch with her exes, the man believes that the connection is reinforced by sex.

Reasons for discontent

There may be enough reasons to be jealous and suspicious. However, their validity is not always based on facts. Often speculation is presented as truth and is considered the only true one. Do not succumb to the provocations of the subconscious and assess the situation soberly.

Comparing your current partner with your ex

Openly telling your partner that he is losing compared to his former lover is the biggest mistake that can be made in a relationship, even with a non-jealous person. Such words are usually disguised as a desire to motivate change, but as a result, both receive a negative response. Hearing this, the young man will probably be offended, because his leadership position has been greatly questioned.

Naturally, after this the guy is jealous of the girl for her past. The same applies to the opposite situation. Don't say this to your partner if you don't want to break up in the near future.

Such words are not always spoken consciously. Sometimes a comparison is made as a harmless remark, a hint of improvement in a certain action. This motivates some men, but discourages others from continuing the relationship. If a girl decides to use such tactics to achieve her goals, she needs to think about the wording and situation so as not to anger the young man.

Great love for children from a previous marriage

Strong feelings for another object cause feelings of competition. The situation when a child and a parent live separately but see each other periodically is familiar to many young families. Fathers who have left the family and started new relationships often find themselves in this situation.

One of the options for the situation is that the current partner stole the guy, destroying the marriage, but is now jealous of the children with whom the young man is dating. The reaction is natural, since the woman forced or provoked betrayal, and now she is worried about the possibility of the same outcome, a repetition of betrayal. In this case, the problem is solely in the girl’s head, because at a certain moment she competed with her legal spouse, but won, which means a clear lead in all aspects.

Another situation is that a young father met a new girl after the divorce. Now that he is visiting the children, the woman is worried about a possible return to her ex-wife. This is a more reasonable case for concern, since such situations occur often, especially if the ex-wife is not caught up in a new hobby. However, you cannot panic and constantly reproach the young man for infidelity. This may make him think about getting back together.

But it doesn’t hurt to observe more carefully, especially when it comes to the aspect of your relationships. Assess the level of attentiveness, romanticism and interest. Compare with the initial stage. Draw conclusions about the behavior, and if the result is unsatisfactory, discuss the problem.

Good relationship with ex-partner

Trusting relationships between separated young people are possible, but their establishment requires time to accept the situation. Three options are possible:

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How long does falling in love last and how does the feeling arise?

1. Young guys who dated for a short time. Such people can remain friends, especially if before the start of the relationship they knew each other for a long time and communicated closely. There is no point in being jealous, since this is really a friendly relationship and nothing more.
2. A young couple who recently separated after ending a long-term or romantic relationship. This is an unlikely scenario in which new partners are usually used as a "pill". If suspicions constantly arise about a not entirely friendly relationship, most likely these are not only suspicions.
3. A couple who have lived together for a long time and have children. Usually these are people aged 33-35 years. Having separated and received a divorce, they can maintain a trusting relationship, especially against the backdrop of communication with children. Rumors that their relationship is dangerous are often exaggerated.

Other reasons

A list of other reasons for jealousy is given by practicing psychologists:

• diffidence;
• nervous disorder, obsessive thoughts;
• critical age - usually associated with self-identification at 20-22 years old, 37-40 years old;
• jealousy as a defense to hide one's infidelity;
• trauma, previous experience;
• direct provocation of a partner.

The adequacy of each reason should be decided with a psychologist.

The other side of such jealousy: what is the negative point for a woman?

Few people can withstand reproaches, suspicions, insults, especially if they are groundless. In situations, girls get lost: men don’t believe excuses; if they remain silent, they become more suspicious.

In most cases, scandals end with the jealous person:

• may not let you leave the house;
• pick up the phone;
• deprive the Internet;
• accompany you anywhere and everywhere;
• prohibit working, wearing makeup, wearing skirts, communicating with friends and relatives;
• threaten;
• let go of your hands.

The behavior causes fear, the woman becomes a victim of domestic violence . Psychologists do not advise to be patient; you need to quickly get away from the tyrant: being around a man is dangerous, especially with children.

A man who realized that baseless jealousy destroys a family

Partner feeling insecure

Where does the feeling of self-doubt come from? Where all our fears and phobias come from is from childhood. It is very important to instill in a child from an early age a correct and adequate perception of the world, as well as an awareness of his place in it. By constantly repeating to a child that, due to his young age and dependent financial situation, he is not a full member of the family and is forced to accept the point of view of his parents, you develop in him a lack of self-confidence, belittle his importance in the family and society, and provide fertile ground for the development of doubts in your capabilities and talents.

Growing up and entering into love relationships, such children continue to remain nobody and interpret any comparisons not in their favor. Only psychologists can help change this attitude towards oneself, but changing the vector of one’s attitude towards a partner’s past is entirely within one’s capabilities. First of all, you need to decide whether you want to save your relationship. If so, how can you learn to trust your loved one and curb your unfounded claims about his past? The first thing you should understand is that the main reason for your jealousy lies not in your partner and not in his past affection, but in your lack of confidence in your abilities. You do not believe that you have become the one and only for your beloved person, who is not afraid of any competition from other contenders, be it former or future.

How to get rid of jealousy about your wife's past?

The man, who realized that groundless jealousy destroys the family, entered the first stage of “healing.” A person must understand: there are no ideal people, everyone has a past. The main thing is the present, the future is being built now.

The advice of psychologists comes down to the fact that a man suppresses outbursts of aggression:

• no longer in control;
• allowed me to dress beautifully;
• stopped judging;
• increased my self-esteem;
• showed concern for his wife.

Jealousy is the fear of a partner leaving. A spouse is more likely to leave a jealous husband than a caring husband.

Regarding former partners

Jealousy towards ex-partners develops due to comparison. To solve a problem, you need to love yourself; there are different ways to increase self-esteem.

It is important to learn trust , especially if the companion did not give any reason to suspect. A woman has already made a choice in your favor - which means that other partners are inferior to you in some way.

Items, gifts from the past

You shouldn’t take gifts seriously; in most cases, it’s just a shame to throw away trinkets. In fact, a jealous person doesn’t care about things, he just needs a reason.

You need to figure out for yourself whether suspicions will really stop after the disappearance of past objects. If yes, explain to your partner; if not, things have nothing to do with it.

Why are you thinking about this

The reasons may be different and depend on your character, the conditions of meeting your partner and external factors. But more often than not, according to The 4 main reasons why people suffer from retroactive jealousy / YouTube by Eve Thompson, a therapist specializing in retrospective jealousy, it comes down to this:

Are you afraid of being hurt?

Perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your parents, you experienced betrayal by a friend, or your previous partner was an abuser. One way or another, your body remembers this and tries to protect you from such a situation. The defense mechanism kicks in when you fall in love and begin to experience strong emotions. It is he who encourages you to sabotage relationships and avoid any potential danger.

Are you worried that you will be compared to your previous partner?

This reason is closely related to your inner beliefs, self-esteem, and attitude. If you feel insecure at the beginning of a relationship, it is likely that it will only get worse. Having learned that your significant other had other partners, you will subconsciously begin to look for flaws in yourself, worry that you will be compared with previous lovers, and decide in advance that you will be worse.

You think your partner's past is not good enough for you

In this case, you compare your partner with yourself. You feel like he's not good enough for you because he's done things in the past that are unacceptable to you. You focus on his past mistakes and devalue his achievements in the present.

You don't like that your partner has experience that you don't have

A busy past can be a serious cause for disagreement. It may seem to you that the person next to you had a brighter and more interesting life. Then you will want to quickly find a reason to break off the relationship in order to “catch up.”

You think you made the wrong choice

When you fall in love, you see everything in a rosy light and endow the person with super qualities. But then you get to know him better, and your ideas are shattered. Your partner turns out to be not ideal, but ordinary, and you don’t want to put up with it. Then you dive into the person’s past and begin to look for evidence there that he has always been selfish, unfaithful, evil, and you were simply mistaken about him.

Exercises and advice from a psychologist

To get rid of the state of jealousy, first of all, psychologists recommend taking care of yourself, increasing your self-esteem, finding a hobby, stopping living the life of your partner, and not contacting your wife’s former boyfriends.

Psychologists have developed an exercise that affects consciousness, the rules are that the jealous person must:

1. Analyze suspicions, set your thoughts to get rid of them if the assumptions are not confirmed.
2. Control your emotions. Replace angry outbursts with pleasant memories.
3. Talk about a sore subject, learn to believe the words of your beloved.
4. Take your mind off the problem. You can play sports, learn something new, set a goal, spend your time usefully without leaving it to think.

The harm of jealousy for real relationships

There are manifestations of jealousy that affect relationships, rather, beneficially: it can provoke passion and force partners to look at each other in a new way. But jealousy of the past can harm even healthy relationships, since it is not creative and in most cases is based only on subjective speculation and fantasies.

For example, if a girl is jealous of a guy’s past, she puts him in an uncomfortable position, since he will not be able to prove or disprove the facts of his biography.

If one person lives in the present, and the other endlessly digs into the past and finds more and more signs of former happy relationships and connections, this will negatively affect both partners and gradually destroy intimacy.

It is worth remembering that jealousy of the past is a one-sided conflict, the addressee of which is not the partner, but the inner “I” of the jealous person, his grievances and complexes.

Is this normal and what are the consequences of such jealousy?

The saying “He is jealous means he loves” is actually wrong. Constant suspicions only provoke betrayal. A violent feeling of jealousy requires self-control and suppression, otherwise it will lead to irreparable consequences. For example:

• quarrels, scandals - destructive behavior leads to misunderstandings, quarrels, deterioration of the microclimate in family relationships;
• mutual reproaches - constant accusations towards the spouse will provoke a defensive reaction, expressed in retaliatory attacks;
• loss of respect - demonstrating self-doubt and low self-esteem will sooner or later lead to your wife no longer respecting you;
• betrayal - constant suspicions of betrayal can push her, if not to betrayal, then to thoughts about it;
• breakup of a marriage - a growing feeling and complete distrust will lead to the fact that the relationship will be put on pause or completely destroyed.

Are you jealous of your spouse and her old friends?
Not really

The "five no" rule

If you want to save yourself and your partner from jealousy of the past and learn how to learn to trust a person dear to you, you should apply the “five don’ts” rule, well known in relationship psychology:

• Do not dramatize the situation by raising your partner’s past love to a non-existent height - if your chosen one is with you today, then it does not have such a serious meaning.
• Do not demand that your partner forget the past - firstly, this cannot be done on command, and secondly, he may be painfully wounded by your dictatorial tendencies, which will lead to completely the opposite result.
• Don’t try to become like your husband’s ex-passion and copy her style of clothing and behavior - maybe all this did not suit him in his ex? Show your individuality and your personal qualities that are unique to you - this will attract more attention and interest to you.
• Never speak badly about your ex, because this is basic disrespect for the taste and choice of your partner; he may not like your impartial statement, and the relationship will crack. In addition, discussing a person in his absence has always been considered bad form and was perceived by others accordingly.
• Don’t dwell on past relationships - focus on the present, create a cozy home atmosphere for a man, where he is loved and expected, reassured, where affection and fresh delicious food, respect and understanding await him - and he would never exchange such a family for any feminine charms.

Examples from life

In order to provide ourselves with the right guidelines within which to show interest in our partner’s past, let’s consider some real-life examples:

• The wife is very actively interested in her husband’s past life, but this does not upset or irritate him, because her interest is dictated solely by the opportunity to better understand her husband, and not by competing with her former degree of importance for the man. According to the family psychotherapist, this will help her come closer to understanding her partner and appreciate his individual qualities.
• Sometimes this interest becomes too active and intrusive, especially in men who are not very confident in their masculinity. For example, an older husband is afraid of appearing to his younger partner as an untenable lover and thus tries to find out how things were with her previous partner. The psychotherapist believes that although there is jealousy of the past here, it is more constructive in nature, since it helps to gain an understanding of a woman’s sexual experience and her preferences in carnal love.
• If a wife, talking about her husband’s jealousy, mentions that they have been married for 20 years, but in her younger years she lived for several years away from her husband, working abroad under a contract, then his somewhat passive jealousy of the years that have passed without him even flatters the woman, not at all without humiliating her. The husband thus confirms her feminine attractiveness to other men, and this opinion of his extends to the present time.

These examples do not become a destructive force in relationships, but help spouses become closer and closer.