What to do if your husband has become angry, aggressive and irritable - advice from psychologists

Women sometimes turn to a psychologist for advice with a problem - their husband has become aggressive, irritable, angry and rude, what to do, what is the reason? If such changes in the spouse occurred abruptly, then something is clearly wrong. A man cannot be aggressive out of nowhere, attack his wife, take it out on her and show irritability. Perhaps he has difficulties that he does not talk about.

Any woman begins to worry if she does not understand why her husband’s behavior has changed for the worse. And who would like to be a victim of aggression if there are no objective reasons for it. If your husband comes home irritable after troubles at work, it makes sense to talk to him, find out the reason for his bad mood and help him come to his senses.

But if the situation becomes natural, and family members and animals suffer from manifestations of anger, then this case must be dealt with carefully.

Psychologist/psychotherapist Elena Maksimenko will help you understand this problem, find the reasons and develop behavioral tactics for your wife.

Aggression is destructive behavior that is contrary to the norms of human morality, expressing psychological discomfort and physical harm by causing damage to the object of aggression. Often, unprovoked hostility is explained by the aggressor’s desire to dominate others and includes an encroachment on freedom and personal space, having a destructive effect.

What forms of aggression are there?

The degree of expression of aggression in a man can vary. But psychologists divide its expression into two main types:

• verbal
• physical.

There is also such a form of verbal aggression as negativism - negativism. This is intentional “against” behavior when the husband constantly argues and does not support his wife. When he always shows negative emotions in everything.

It would seem that nothing compares to a physical blow. But a well-placed word sometimes hurts just as much. Offensive nicknames, uncontrolled statements, rude attacks, threats, comparisons towards the wife - all this causes deep psychological trauma, especially if it happens often.

Even if the words are not fair and everyone knows about it, they hurt very painfully. And if later the angry and aggressive husband asks for an apology, they still do not subsequently straighten out the shaky relationship.

Physical violence is very common in many families - no matter how many times a hot-tempered and irritable husband hurts his wife, time passes and she forgets everything. Either in an effort to save the family, or in a hopeless belief that everything will change in some wonderful way, or out of great love. And unfortunately, many women tolerate this.

Methods of dealing with a husband who has character problems

1. "Don't add fuel to the fire." Anger has an important feature - it is temporary. So, if your husband has become angry, then after a while he will calm down anyway. If you try to fight him, it will only increase his negative emotions. Remember that anger will pass, but what you say to each other may forever “leave scars in your memory.”
2. Wait until he calms down. Understand that the body is an energy system and it takes time for that energy to calm down. As a rule, the adrenaline effect subsides after at least 20 minutes. When he has calmed down, only then talk to him.
3. Set your boundaries. The biggest mistake I notice is that spouses do not clearly define the boundaries of what is permitted in their family life. And establishing them and bringing them to the husband is one of the most effective methods of managing anger in the home.
4. Know when to have your say. The greatest commanders know that they can only fight battles they can win. They don't waste their resources on things they can't do. The fewer battles you fight, the more powerful they will be. Not only will they hit harder, but you'll be more likely to surprise your husband and win in situations that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about remembering which problems are worth solving and which can be ignored.
5. Don't tolerate disrespect. This especially applies to condescending and dismissive attitudes. This is not constructive for him, let alone you. In addition, a man treats a woman poorly in cases where no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he will say hurtful things to you to boost his ego. Therefore, if your husband treats you badly, you should put an end to it. Make it clear that you will not tolerate such disrespect from a person who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life.
6. Apologize when necessary. This is such a common sense step that I didn’t even want to mention it. However, it bears repeating, if your husband has become angry and aggressive, and you have clearly done something bad and provoked conflict, then simply take responsibility for it and say “sorry.” Nothing calms someone down more than a sincere apology. Make sure that it is truly sincere and that the apology does not come with the word “but.” If you use this, you are denying your apology.
7. Proper nutrition. What does your husband eat? Do you have a lot of junk food in your diet? Good nutrition is very important for a person's physical and mental health. The saying “we are what we eat” really rings true here. If he consumes nutritionally deficient foods, it is not surprising that he has problems with his emotional state. So add more fresh produce, meat, fish and poultry to your diet. Make sure that the products contain all the necessary vitamins B, C, E, zinc, selenium, omega-3 and high-quality multivitamins. After proper nutrition, your boyfriend's mood and irritability will certainly improve.

Where does aggression come from in a person?

To help your husband establish self-control, you need to understand the reasons why anger can come from in a person. In essence, aggression is the result of fear, a defensive reaction.

When faced with something in life that is difficult to overcome, some people withdraw into themselves, run away from problems, or take their anger out on others.

The “fight or flight” principle comes into play. The husband becomes aggressive and rude because he cannot overcome the difficulty and cope with the problem.

It is necessary to correctly identify the forms of aggression, because anger is manifested not only through shouting or assault.

Aggressive behavior in a man is:

• physical anger (assault, destruction of things);
• irritability (rude words, toxic communication, scandals, quarrels due to temper);
• verbal anger (swearing directed at a person, raising one’s voice in conversation, threats, shouting);
• indirect anger (vicious, humiliating jokes in public or in private, gossip).

All these manifestations of the husband’s inappropriate behavior must be eliminated. Unfortunately, sometimes before marriage it is not possible to discern the essence of a person, and all negative character traits are revealed to the wife too late.

It also happens that a husband’s anger and aggression is a consequence of mental disorders and other disorders when he cannot cope on his own and the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist is required. In milder cases, you can cope on your own.

If your husband has become very aggressive for no apparent reason, you should take this as a serious signal.

Important! Male aggression can be directed towards children and animals who are unable to fight back directly. If this happens, you just need to run away from this person to avoid worse consequences.

What to do if your husband becomes angry?

Here are a few steps to take when this problem arises in your family. The main thing is to always try to approach conflicts calmly and casually. The situation can very easily get out of control if you both get angry and yell at each other.

1) Don't be afraid of your husband's anger

Know that anger and anger arise from a lack of strength. Often because the person is not in control of the situation. Think of it as the cry of a child, not the roar of a lion.

Why does a man become aggressive?

What could it be if the husband became aggressive, irritable, angry. Psychotherapists know that the reasons are not only the psycho-emotional problems of a man. Like women, they also experience hormonal imbalances. And hormones, in turn, greatly influence the human psyche. And physiological pathologies may well influence a person’s behavior, feelings and emotions.

Physiological causes of aggression, anger and irritability

Let's consider what disorders in the body can lead to a change in the husband's behavior:

• Low testosterone levels. Studies have shown that low levels of this hormone make a man more irritable and emotionally unstable. He may experience sudden mood swings and outbursts of aggression.
• Low serotonin levels. This is a key neurotransmitter that is responsible for our mood. The hormone plays a significant role in the psycho-emotional state. If serotonin levels decrease, a man may become apathetic, irritable, lazy and depressed.
• High cortisol levels. It is also called the stress hormone. If a man is constantly under stress, then his cortisol increases, stimulating the nervous system to “outburst” accumulated negative emotions. High cortisol also disrupts sleep and causes severe irritability.
• Psychopathy . This is a serious and incurable condition in which a person does not experience moral feelings. In the modern classification of diseases 10th revision, psychopathy is called personality disorders. Psychopaths make no difference between actions, between humiliation and respect, between empathy and ignoring the feelings and needs of other people. They divide all people into useful and useless, those who can be used and those who are unnecessary.

Physiological causes of outbursts of anger, anger, and constant irritability in a man can also be diseases, for example, hyperthyroidism or tumors of the brain and adrenal glands. Therefore, it is advisable to undergo an examination to rule out diseases.

How to help at home

Help at home can only be provided to accommodating drunkards who make contact and listen to words. If the intoxication is not severe, then you can refuse to use strong medications. In this case, may well help :

• The first step is to rinse the stomach with a weak solution of baking soda;
• Next, you need to take a solution of ammonia. 45 drops of ammonia are dissolved in 200 ml of boiled water. The finished composition is drunk;
• Afterwards, it is recommended to use an adsorbent; activated carbon, Polysorb, Enterosgel are ideal. These products will help cleanse the stomach of ethanol residues. They must be taken in accordance with the instructions ;
• The body's fluid reserves must be restored. This is done by drinking plenty of fluids . For these purposes, you can use homemade compotes, fruit drinks, berries, chamomile-based decoctions, and teas.

After the drunken state has become more or less normal, he will begin to think better and understand that he needs to be taken out into the fresh air , for a walk. This will completely remove the remnants of alcohol from his body and sober up.

Other reasons

Consider other reasons why a husband may become aggressive, rude and irritable. And why did he suddenly change if everything was fine before?

Life stresses

If your husband is under a lot of stress at work, doesn't sleep well, and doesn't eat well, it can turn him into a completely different person. Constantly irritating your husband as he tries to live up to your masculine ideal can wear him down.

Focusing on constant work and earning money can lead to stress and depression. His mental state will deteriorate significantly, and this will manifest itself in outbursts of anger and displays of anger.

Emotional Trauma

Often the cause of aggression and anger in men is unresolved emotional problems. These could be problems at work or in the family. Instead of solving them, men try to forget about them, but this is not easy, because over time they arise again in their minds. At this moment, men do not know what to do and begin to show anger and negative emotions.

Alcoholism

Often women come up with this problem - the husband drinks and has become aggressive, what should I do? Alcohol affects everyone differently. Some, on the contrary, turn into merry fellows, while others turn into aggressors.

You need to understand that people usually start drinking not because they have a good life. Something is gnawing at them and they are trying to drown out the emotional pain. Sometimes it turns out the other way around - under the influence of alcohol, all the negativity, all the anger comes out.

With constant consumption of alcohol, a person already develops negative physiological processes.

In a healthy person, a dose of alcohol first causes excitement and a powerful feeling of euphoria, since under its influence endorphins are released - “pleasure hormones”. When the inhibition phase begins, the person usually falls asleep.

Already at the first stage of alcoholism, the period of euphoria is sharply reduced (the body is accustomed to constantly drinking alcohol and no longer reacts to it properly). Therefore, the drunkard gradually increases the dose to achieve the desired effect, but under the toxic effect of ethanol, the functioning of the brain begins to change, irritability, short temper, impulsiveness arise, and self-control decreases.

At the second stage, another problem appears - severe abstinence. A person feels physically ill, and this also increases aggressiveness. A constant painful desire to drink appears, which overshadows all other impulses. To alleviate the condition, an alcoholic drinks a bottle, but this no longer gives a feeling of euphoria. In the end, he remains angry and irritated all the time, even when sober.

A situation where the husband becomes aggressive when he drinks, insults, raises his hand requires a serious approach - distancing from him and treating the alcoholic.

Trouble at work

Major constant troubles at work are another common reason why a husband becomes irritable, aggressive, and nervous. Under stressful conditions, the brain does not have time to move from one mode, work, to another, family relationships, so a transfer of behavior patterns occurs.

A man proves his case to the director by standing in front of his wife. Physical exhaustion, lack of sleep, overwork are also reasons for irritability, both with yourself, and from there - with those around you.

Anger that can't be contained

Children who suffer most from such outbursts of anger are those who do not understand why dad or mom suddenly yelled at them or hit them for no reason. At the same time, the people themselves who exhibit such acute reactions to minor stimuli or even “out of nowhere” suffer from them. Often this causes an ongoing feeling of guilt, careers suffer, established relationships deteriorate, friendships collapse, and families are destroyed. In such situations, people try to solve this problem on their own, turning to psychologists or seeing advertisements, they begin to take advertised drugs. However, such actions only lead to a worsening of the situation in the future.

The sooner a person turns to a specialist in such a situation, the faster and more effectively the necessary assistance will be provided.

Why do temper tantrums happen?

Outbursts of uncontrollable anger occur as a result of a breakdown of higher nervous activity. This can occur as a result of constant stress, high psycho-physical stress at home and at work. Our doctors will be able to correctly understand the situation and provide adequate medical and psychological assistance. Such borderline mental conditions are treatable, and our specialists can treat on an outpatient basis.

Disappointment and failure in life

Own failure, disappointment, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled dreams and goals are the most critical factors because of which the husband becomes very hot-tempered and aggressive.

When your partner feels that his life has gone wrong because he tied the knot with the “wrong woman,” he tries to express his dissatisfaction in nonverbal ways.

Usually these are momentary outbursts of anger, accusations, grinding of teeth, sudden movements, grumbling “under the breath” or furious screams, destruction of furnishings. Often such feelings are transformed into direct aggression - threats, veiled or overt humiliation, insults and even beatings.

At the same time, disappointments can be both groundless and justified when, for example, a wife is not attentive enough to her husband, shows more love for children rather than for her husband, or prefers to spend her free time not with him, but with friends or relatives.

Manifestation methods

Aggression is sometimes a peculiar way of male self-affirmation. This behavior often occurs in cases where a person experiences a lack of love, attention, or warmth. In this way, he begins to fight for them, to prove that he is worthy of attention.

Jealous husbands aggressively express their rights over women. For many women, such emotions are mistaken for outbursts of passion, according to the principle “hitting means loving.”

It also happens that aggressiveness becomes a way of communication.

Aggressive behavior of a person is a manifestation of his internal properties, such as:

• weakness;
• lack of self-confidence and strength;
• inner anger;
• various psychological complexes. It’s easier for women to cope with them, because it’s easier to admit their inadequacy. Men are less flexible;
• various fears, especially not being realized, wealthy (in any matter), achieving something.

Often the husband is very hot-tempered and aggressive because this is a response to a ban, restriction of rights, infringement of dignity. A way to get what you want if it turns out to be impossible otherwise. When such behavior receives the approval of a partner, it is clearly established as not only normal and producing results, but also placing the spouse on a higher level, allowing him to dominate in the conflict. However, aggression has a property - it is like fire, it attacks everything around without choosing an object. Therefore, in the next conflict, the place of the neighbor or conductor will be the wife who recently admired her husband, who solved the issue with his fists.

Why did my husband become aggressive after the birth of the child?

There are situations when the husband began to show aggression and irritability towards his wife after a child appeared in the family. Why does a man become angry after the birth of a child?

After the birth of a child, the relationship in a couple moves to a new level. From dyadic (paired) they move into triadic (relationships of three). On the one hand, this makes the family more stable, but on the other hand, such relationships alienate the spouses, distancing occurs due to greater attention to the child.

The birth of the first-born changes the functions, rights and responsibilities of family members; for the first time, spouses are faced with their partner’s ideas and expectations about parenthood.

A man may become more irritable after the birth of a child for a simple reason - his wife stops giving him due attention and care - all her energy is spent on the baby.

For some couples, after the wife gives birth, intimate relationships are upset. The wife may lose interest in them and begins to push her husband away. Sexual relationships are an important aspect of intimacy between partners, especially for men.

But, as a rule, most women during pregnancy, as well as in the postpartum period, experience a decrease in libido (sexual desire), and this cannot but affect sexual relationships. In addition, when a mother breastfeeds her baby, prolactin (the hormone responsible for milk production) also reduces libido.

And if motherhood is not easy for a woman, and she is emotionally exhausted, then libido decreases to a minimum level. And how can her body think about reproduction (which is how nature intended the purpose of sexual relations) if she is already unable to cope and is under stress?

If the baby is restless, sleeps poorly, and often screams, then the working husband may become irritable due to lack of sleep and overwork.

Diagnostics

Diagnosis of aggression and its causes is carried out by a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or clinical psychologist. Of particular interest are cases of determining the tendency to aggression during examinations, when the patient may have a desire to hide undesirable qualities. In such situations, in addition to standard diagnostic procedures, experimental methods are used, during which influences that provoke hostility are carried out. The following procedures are used as part of the baseline study:

• Survey.
  During the conversation, the doctor finds out the reasons for the aggressiveness, its duration, severity, and justification. Patients are not always critical of changes in their behavior, therefore, to obtain more objective information, a survey of relatives (accompanying persons) is carried out, and characteristics from school and place of work are requested.
• Observation.
  A tendency to aggressive reactions manifests itself during a medical consultation: patients are irritable, quick-tempered, and rude. They answer unpleasant questions with abuse, and easily move on to accusations, quarrels, and scandals. Observation in a hospital setting provides a more complete picture of patient behavior. As a rule, they show verbal and physical aggression and become instigators of quarrels with medical staff and other patients.
• Psychodiagnostic testing.
  Personality questionnaires make it possible to quantify the severity of aggressiveness, determine its position in the structure of character, and its combination with other qualities, for example, impulsiveness. The Bass-Darki test (Diagnostics of the state of aggression), A. Assinger test (assessment of aggressiveness in relationships) is used. Projective techniques are effective for identifying hidden aggression: the hand test, the Rosenzweig test.

Occasional irritability, such as lack of self-control

Periodic irritable behavior and aggression of the husband may indicate the psychopathization of a neurotic personality, when they imitate offending loved ones. When a person is convinced that he cannot solve problems, achieve what he wants and is extremely irritated and dissatisfied with this, he can transfer his irritation, anger, and dissatisfaction to other people, usually close and weaker ones.

Most often they become wives, children, subordinates, pets. Using this form of behavior in a stressful situation, a person can also complain, whine, appeal for sympathy and claim that he is right and is doing everything right, and external circumstances and other people are insurmountable obstacles and reasons for his failures.

Since the cause of reactions to stress lies in the person himself, that is, in your spouse, and not in you, only he himself can influence his reactions and his behavior. He chooses how to treat people and react to situations with the help of his beliefs.

Emotional self-control skills must be developed before adolescence. If an adult has not learned to control his negative emotions, a specialist can help him. Psychopathization can be corrected through long-term psychotherapy.

When the cause of the husband’s aggression and irritation is his mistress

In the event that before the husband was a kind, caring and attentive man, and after some time he suddenly became picky and irritable, it is worth checking his behavior for signs of another woman.

Usually in such cases the man becomes secretive and uncommunicative. He suddenly stopped sharing his plans, experiences, news; became thoughtful, cold, irritable, rude (emotionally or physically); strange absences from home and a desire to spend free time without you appeared; stopped communicating with you on the phone, more often he is either busy or does not answer.

Became dissatisfied with your appearance, weight, clothing style, behavior, the way you cook, keep the house in order, your expenses; There were a lot of caustic remarks and painful jabs directed at you.

Also, the husband may start spending more time in front of the mirror and change his perfume. He may have started to dress differently, new stylish things appeared, changed the style of his underwear; began to play sports and monitor physical fitness; began to shave thoroughly and go to the hairdresser more often; After coming home, I began to spend a long time in the bathroom.

This is a typical type of behavior of men who have a mistress. And not just a mistress, but another woman for whom feelings arise.

Domestic issues.

There are men who are always unhappy:

• Keep the house in order;
• Prepared food;
• And all sorts of other household things.

At the same time, all these “sins” are your fault and only you!

There are two ways out of such situations.

First, do as he wants.

Second, send him away and let him do everything the way he wants!

But if he constantly makes comments, makes claims, finds fault with little things, then this is a clear sign that he clearly doesn’t like something and it annoys him. He won’t go into the psychological jungle of reasoning about why he is like this? He is who he is. And there is one important point!

If you think that his comments are just nitpicking, that he likes to blow your mind, then think - do you want to adapt to him? Do you want to break yourself to please him?

These are not idle questions; sometimes, behind nagging and criticism, there is a person who wants to dominate another. And a wife who can bend over backwards for the sake of peace in the family is the easiest prey.

What if his comments are true? If he is on point, does he make comments? Of course, his words are unpleasant to you, but if they are fair, then you should listen and thereby make life easier for yourself

What to do - advice from a psychologist

So, we have looked at many reasons why a husband can become aggressive, irritable, hot-tempered, and nervous. Now let's discuss how a wife should behave in such situations and what to do.

Advice from a psychologist:

• Distance yourself. If your husband has become angry and aggressive, then he makes your life miserable and you cannot find a common language with him. You should reconsider the situation and think about whether you can build a normal relationship with him? Or maybe you should just leave? Just do thoughtful things. And remember, abusive relationships do not serve anyone's best interests. When there is a lot of anger and anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, your husband, children, loved ones and even your pets.
• Have a conversation . Wait for the right moment and try to call your partner for a heart-to-heart conversation - when you see that he is more or less mentally ready for a calm conversation, try together to figure out exactly what things cause him dissatisfaction and what specifically provokes uncontrollable outbursts. Remain restrained even when you hear accusations against you.
• Think about your actions . Consider whether you played any role in making your husband angry. At this point you need to be honest. If you did something wrong and caused conflict, then you need to take responsibility for your actions and apologize for them. However, if you haven't done anything wrong, then try to help him figure out what his problem is.
• Avoid conflicts. If you see that your husband is close to a new attack, avoid talking to him - go to the store, take a walk, go about your business. The main thing is to let him calm down. Even if the husband is very aggressive, show that his behavior is unacceptable. This needs to be communicated clearly and calmly, and then a joint strategy must be developed to combat the negative consequences of these emotions. There are quite easy ways to cope with anger and irritation, the simplest and most useful is physical activity.
• Switch to humor. When you are in a difficult situation, your husband has become angry and aggressive, remember that positive emotions are the best medicine for you and for him. Think of some things that make him smile. Be positive towards him and do not show retaliatory aggression.

Family psychotherapy gives good results. But, unfortunately, it can be difficult to persuade aggressive and hot-tempered men to see a specialist.

What to do in cases of male aggression

If your husband is aggressive, what should you do first? It is very difficult to restrain your emotions and not succumb to mutual aggression or violent tears, depending on the woman’s temperament. This is possible in conditions of composure and a rational approach.

First of all, you should not enter into conflict. A woman should avoid this in every possible way: go shopping, even if she doesn’t need anything, go for a walk, trying in every possible way to disappear from sight and stop being an annoying factor. When an aggressive husband is alone with his emotions, due to the lack of a punching bag, he will calm down.

Helping a man get rid of attacks of anger and irritability is possible only with his consent and willingness. No doctor will heal a sick person who does not want to be healed.

When you can’t tolerate it and you need to leave your aggressor husband

There are cases when the husband became very aggressive and began to raise his hand against his wife, causing harm to children and loved ones. In such situations, a woman should immediately leave the tyrant, without trying to understand the reasons.

If you remain in the presence of such a husband, there is a threat to health and even life. A woman should not endure beatings in the hope that the man will change. Usually things only get worse. You can try to understand the reasons for inappropriate behavior without being near him.

But when it is obvious that the husband is an alcoholic, drug addict, despot, tyrant, mentally unstable and, possibly, a psychopath, you need to run away from this before misfortune happens.

In such cases, a woman is recommended:

1. Think about your own health . Forgetting about herself, she dissolves in her husband, surrounding him with care and comfort. Violence and ever-present fear undermine a woman’s mental and physical well-being.
2. Have your own opinion and not be afraid to leave a man in fear that others and relatives will condemn this act. Who, if not the victim of violence, needs to make a decision on which the future life of her and her children depends.
3. Increase self-esteem. Living in the same territory with a male aggressor, do not allow yourself to be offended, trying to repel all his antics. Do not allow your hand to be raised in your direction.
4. Do not hide the fact of violence. Often the aggressor is afraid of external condemnation and the application of measures against him by law enforcement and administrative bodies, so a woman should under no circumstances keep silent about acts of violence.
5. Do not listen if your husband says during attacks that it is your fault that he behaves this way and in no case should you feel guilty.

1. Never lose your self-esteem. You cannot allow another person, whoever he is, to humiliate you and trample on your self-esteem.

Expectations about family life did not come true.

Remember in fairy tales, “and they lived happily ever after and died on the same day.” We each have our own expectations of how family life will turn out. What kind of relationships will there be, how many children will there be, what kind of house or apartment will there be, will there be animals, etc., etc. And so, those same family everyday life came when the initial intoxication caused by the work of love hormones passed and eyes opened to all the shortcomings of your other half.

The job is done, and nothing can be changed, and you clearly understand that your dream of that same magical family life will never come true, and disappointment sets in!

This reason occurs in both men and women; it is not worth blaming men for being dreamers. Think for yourself, what expectations did you have about the relationship?

What to do in such a situation?

First things first, talk. Frankly, honestly. The most important thing is without conflicts and claims. Difficult? No more trust? This means we need to restore and conquer. In a good way, when you know what did not come true for your husband with you, then you can slightly change your behavior or attitude towards him. I won’t reveal a secret if I say that add a little affection, tenderness and attention, and he will become a little happier, and the dissatisfied expression on his face will appear less often.

And if you don’t know what he’s dissatisfied with, then you can’t change anything, maybe he doesn’t like your borscht, and if you cook it differently, everything will work out. (joke)

Want to improve your relationship? Do you want to receive support, attention, love from your man? In fact, it is not so difficult, you just need to learn to say the right words at the right moment! I suggest you download the checklist “22 phrases that will save your relationship”!

Watch the video “How to Talk to Your Husband”

Why do women endure abusive husbands for years?

Reasons why wives stay with dictator husbands:

1. Fear of change. Some women, even after severe beatings, remain with tyrants due to a banal reluctance to change the situation. There is only one way to really evaluate new prospects - by breaking the hated bonds.
2. Material side. Often the aggressor in the family tries to forcibly turn his wife into an uncomplaining housewife, completely dependent on his salary in financial matters.
3. Fear of loneliness. Abusers want to increase their importance and belittle the victim, deliberately presenting her as ugly, unkempt, pathetic, and worthless to anyone. Look at yourself from the outside, dress up, put on makeup. If you wish, you will find yourself a new betrothed, leaving the vengeful and cunning aggressor in the cold.
4. Problem with children. Having decided to stay with the aggressor for the sake of the child, think more carefully about the example the abuser sets for the heirs. Often boys begin to copy the tyrant parent, adopting his negative aspects of character. Girls who grew up in an uncomfortable and creepy atmosphere subconsciously choose the same despot as their husband.

Any woman should realize that constant abuse in the family is not normal.

Cases from the practice of psychologists

Zinaida turned to specialists with a problem:

“Hello, help me find a solution to the problems. Lately my husband has become aggressive, nervous, and attacks me.

We also have a daughter, but she is not his own and he constantly finds fault with her and can hurt her, offends her.

If you tell him something is wrong, he yells, I used to nag him a lot, treated him a little rudely, maybe he got tired of it and lost his nerves, maybe he’s tired of our life, we have two children, one is not our own, we live in cramped conditions.

If I start presenting something to him, he becomes even worse, he may even reach the point of assault. If I’m silent, he can’t stop, he says that there’s something I can’t keep silent about, I’m trying to talk to him calmly, to calm him down, but he becomes even worse. Sometimes he says that we got him, he curses at me, even as a child.

I don’t know anymore, maybe he’s always been like this, he’s just opened up now, or I’ve brought him to his senses. I feel sorry for the child, I protect her as best I can. We were already leaving, but it was even worse. We have feelings. I suggested going to a psychologist, he says that I need to go there, he is never to blame for anything, only I am to blame. Maybe I should go light a candle.

We used to communicate, he listened to me, but now he doesn’t tell me anything except household chores. He doesn’t drink, but he always goes for a walk, before only if I gave permission for an hour, but now he doesn’t even ask. Can this be fixed, can things get better, or is this coming to an end? I want to save our family, help me, I’m in despair.

Psychologist Elena Pavlovna Davedyuk answers:

“Zina, saving a family makes sense when both need it. Everything that you now tolerate from your husband removes you from each other. Every insult is destructive. Now the husband is doing everything to show that he does not need a family.

The fact that he blames you for everything speaks about the work of the psychological defense mechanism - he is afraid to admit his guilt to himself, and, most likely, this guilt lies in his weakness, fatigue, and lack of incentive to fight.

Of course, everything will not return to normal. But the more you tolerate his accusations, the more he will become stronger in his own rightness. If it is possible to separate, then now is the time to be away from each other in order to understand the importance of a person in your life.

The most important thing is to remove children from your quarrels: they perceive every cry of their parents as their own fault and suffer greatly - this is precisely the reason why quite often child psychologists recommend that parents separate and stop deceiving themselves that they are “together for the sake of the children.”

If this is not possible, then simply stop entering into disputes and conflicts, just remain silent - not offended, but detached. Let your husband feel that you are not with him - perhaps he will feel the loss and begin to “bring you back”. If not, then it means he doesn’t need your relationship.”

Opinion of psychologist Marina Valentinovna Stolyarova:

“Hello, Zina!

Your husband does not feel like a Man in the family. His aggression is a destructive way to prove to himself and you that he is the head of the family. You made claims, nagged, were rude, controlled, insisted on your own. He doesn’t want to live like this anymore, and so far this protest is expressed in his detachment and nervous breakdowns.

You need to learn to take a feminine position in a relationship, accept your husband for who he is, not make claims, but appreciate everything. What he does for you and your family, do not demand, but inspire him.

At the same time, you should not tolerate violence directed at you, neither physical. neither emotional. Now you are suffering, which means you have problems with self-esteem. We need to work with her.

If you need help, come for an individual consultation.”

Olesya turned to psychologists with the situation:

"Hello! This is the situation. Everything was fine, we got married and planned children. A year after our wedding, I became pregnant with twins. We bought an apartment, a car, and were planning to do some renovations. But at 20 weeks, an ultrasound revealed malformations of both fetuses.

At the same time, the prognosis for one child was negative, for the other it was positive. The doctors wanted to force us to terminate the pregnancy, but we refused.

Premature girls were born at 28 weeks, and 2 months later one died from hydrocephalus. The second one took a long time to nurse. Many diagnoses and the question of surgery still haunt us. Scandals began in the family.

The husband's company was closed and interrogations began. They demanded to admit non-existent guilt. As a result, he was left without work, had an accident, gave all the money for repairs to the workers, and they deceived us about the repairs.

There was no money for half a year - we could not treat the child, pay for the mortgage, housing and communal services, loans, we could not make repairs or fix the car. My husband became aggressive and blamed me for everything. At that time I was pregnant with my second child. There was nothing to eat. Today my grandmother helps with the children and lives with us.

My husband found a job, but all the money is spent on debts and on the treatment of the child. The husband began to find fault with little things in the style: “The chargers must be plugged into the socket, the bucket must be moved from its place, etc. He blames me and my mother for everything.

He says that he could not take care of the child and work, since I had postpartum depression, that we look after the children poorly and inattentively. I try to listen to his words, but he is still unhappy.

It’s impossible to express my opinion, he immediately shouts and calls me names, orders me. But then he apologizes for being rude. He used to be kind, good, always smiling and everyone liked him. Now he doesn’t communicate with anyone, has quarreled with everyone, calls everyone names and is very negative, audits all day long, calls them stupid.

I have nowhere to go, no housing, joint mortgage. Living with my mother is not an option; she also has a complex character. She doesn't like to be told anything. Everyone wants it to be as she said. I do not know what to do. The children are small - 2, 6 years and 7 months. For the eldest, the question of surgery is still open.

Psychologist Elena Suslova answers:

“Olesya, your husband’s responsibility is probably. quite high. And the possibilities are overestimated or not calculated. Hence the aggression. Dissatisfaction with yourself, first of all.

Not finding, perhaps, real constructive support on your part, and in need of help, the husband directs his anger at you. Talk frankly, think together, what could you do together to help each other and to alleviate the current situation? Maybe give up something. What was it that you couldn’t do? Postpone for a more favorable period?

It would be good to reconsider all the options, where could you restore resources? Otherwise, without them, where will you move and how?”

Psychologist Elena Yuryevna Pustovoitova answers:

“Hello, Olesya! I really sympathize with you, the situation in which you find yourself is very difficult, you are with two children, the eldest needs surgery, and your financial situation also leaves much to be desired.

And your husband is experiencing stressful situations in which he finds himself and he relieves his stress, thus, he brings out negative emotions on you. It’s very bad for you, I understand this, you feel it, but it’s difficult to say whether he realizes this, I can assume that he hasn’t bothered to look for another way yet.

We need to tell him this, it’s better to choose the words so that it doesn’t look like an accusation. You can say that you understand all the nervous tension that he has to experience and are ready to support him morally, let him share with you what kind of support he can accept from you, what words or actions can be this support for him.

And say that you are also experiencing nervous tension, that you are worried about both the children and the future of the family, and that you also need his support and agree on mutual support, instead of trying to relieve tension at the expense of family members.”

Help from doctors

If a drunkard, after drinking alcoholic beverages, regularly demonstrates attacks of aggression to his loved ones, makes scandals, humiliates, and lets loose his hands, then this will be a direct reason to organize for him full-fledged treatment for alcohol addiction. The process of sobering up in a medical facility is much faster than at home.

To remove toxic substances from the body, ethanol residues, medical specialists in clinics usually use special medications. The following procedures must be followed:

• Infusion therapy (installation of IVs);
• Dialysis procedures – cleansing the body of alcohol metabolites;
• Plasmapheresis – cleansing the blood of toxins and waste.

Carrying out these procedures allows you to completely cleanse the body of toxins and alcohol metabolites. Doctors prescribe several sessions to ensure that all toxins are completely removed from the digestive organs and blood.

It is worth remembering that aggression from alcohol can manifest itself in anyone; its causes lie in character traits, as well as in the effect of ethanol on consciousness. This is inevitable, so experts advise how to behave correctly with a drunkard. There is no need to quarrel with him or respond with irritation, this will only spur the alcoholic and he may become even angrier. It is better at these moments to leave the apartment or house, leave the drunk alone, and spend the night in another place. The right approach will help prevent dangerous consequences.