Whether to break up with her lover, and at what point it is better to do this, each woman must decide for herself independently. The fact remains undeniable that maintaining a dual relationship is tiring for all the men involved in this interaction, which means that not only the lady will be in a bad state. At a certain stage, a choice may arise or the situation will turn towards one’s own reluctance or the impossibility of such a continuation, despite all the advantages and expected development.
If you start a relationship, showing your ability to betray, without appreciating what you have, then you should understand that the lover also views you as a temporary option and all the planning at night after the pleasure received about the development and deepening of interaction can only concern the first moment in order to maintain illusion. Breakup happens, so it makes sense to end an unsuccessful relationship yourself, doing it as correctly as possible, rather than waiting for an unexpected collapse.
The first step to parting with your lover will be to admit in your inner world your changes and unwillingness to continue, to see that you have no longer been chosen as the only woman. The lover is already sharing you with another, which shows your minimal value and lack of responsibility for your destiny, perhaps he himself has another relationship. It may seem that this is equality - you are not obliged to anything, the two of you have an official relationship, but on the energy of continuation, priority and care, neither you nor your partner have completely chosen each other.
That buffer that helps to preserve the main relationship, to receive what is not given (or there is no opportunity to ask) from a permanent partner, is the desire to take without paying for the good of one’s own soul, the inability to return any experiences, an infantile position in building interaction.
When the thought “I want to break up with my lover” arises, then questions should arise about what the relationship brought me, because then, without drawing conclusions, you risk returning to an unsuccessful relationship, repeating the scenario ad infinitum. Before any radical changes, it is important to understand yourself and your needs, because no matter how frustrating the relationship is, they are optimal for satisfaction, and it is worth finding other more comfortable and nourishing ways for the soul to restore gaps in desires.
After your own needs have been identified, you need to look at your partner without various filters. According to the theory of systemic constellations, a lover is not the destiny of a lifetime, not met by coincidence before - it is simply an element that allows one to stabilize the relationship between spouses. He has his own unique set of negative habits that can infuriate him much more than his husband’s shortcomings; he can be extremely disgusting in everyday life, but seem ideal simply because you rarely see each other.
If a couple finds the ability to talk to each other frankly, to present their needs not in the form of a scandal, but of necessity, then it often turns out that the third is not needed and evaporates on its own. You can get the same awareness without direct contact with others, but in your own head, using your imagination or with the help of a psychotherapist. As a result, you risk getting a not very pleasant image of not an ideal, but a very real person, with whom it is much easier to part with.
Reasons for breaking up relationships
For a married man, a relationship with his mistress is an adventure and entertainment. There is no point in making plans for the future with such a person, because, most likely, he will stay with his family. He will spend all holidays with his wife and children, weekends too. He will devote little time to his mistress. Perhaps he doesn’t even have one, so there is little chance that a man will choose her and build a serious relationship. When a mistress expects him to leave his wife for her, she loses time and the opportunity to build a strong and sincere relationship with another person.
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Useful advice from psychologists
Most men react quite strongly to a breakup. There are very useful tips from a psychologist that will help everyone cope with shock:
- New hobbies - do not lose yourself under any circumstances. Each guy is an individual with his own preferences and hobbies.
- Do not look for those to blame - in any quarrel there are always two people to blame. Therefore, there is no point in looking for a reason in the behavior of only one person.
- Small joys - an interesting film or book, a delicious exotic dish - will undoubtedly bring pleasure and distract from problems.
- No communication with your ex - and no searching for information about her. Forgive and forget.
- Accept the fact that the relationship is no longer there and move on with your life. It's not as difficult as it might seem at first.
Breaking up a relationship is a difficult test for a man’s psyche, especially if the initiator is a girl. But this is not the end. Life is just beginning. The main thing is to analyze the mistakes and make efforts to not repeat them again.
How to act correctly
To start taking action, you need to gain willpower and determination. There is no need to doubt and replay in your memory the events that happened in the relationship. You should refuse to sort things out, make calls, view photos and pages on a social network. You need to prepare carefully for a conversation with your lover, choose a place, time and appropriate words.
Awareness and acceptance of the futility of relationships
First you need to understand that such relationships will not last forever. Breakup will happen sooner or later. You need to be able to respect yourself, understand that you deserve better treatment. To decide to break up, you can use the method of balancing the pros and cons of the situation. To do this, the negative and positive aspects of the breakup are written down on the piece of paper. You need to find more advantages so that they motivate you to break up and start a new life.
Choosing a place and time for dialogue with your lover
The place to talk with your lover is chosen carefully. It must be safe if the partner is capable of showing aggression. At home, in a fit of rage, he can hit, shout, or try to persuade you to continue dating, put you to bed, after which everything will start all over again. It is better to choose a place where there are a lot of people. This will prevent the lover from showing aggression and pressure. The time must be chosen at your own discretion. At lunchtime there will be a chance to quickly lay everything out and leave, leaving no attempts to persuade him to stay. But it’s better to meet in the evening to discuss the breakup efficiently and intelligibly.
How to look
The partner is not always ready to let go of his mistress. He will begin to persuade you to continue meetings. To make it easier for him to let the woman go, she should come to the meeting in a more modest manner. If usually your lover looked amazing and well-groomed, now you should appear in front of him without makeup, with regular hair, in a simple dress or trousers. Perhaps it will be easier for the man to let her go. If this does not help, you need to change your behavior, become capricious, nasty, rude.
Where to start a dialogue
The dialogue should begin with a message about the desire to talk. Let a few days pass after the phone call so that your partner understands that the conversation will be serious. During this time he will prepare. When meeting, you should avoid insults and humiliation, calmly and consistently tell them that changes have occurred, the time for romance and tenderness has passed, and there is no point in continuing the relationship.
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How to quickly and painlessly break up with a married man
How to talk about your decision
Continuing the conversation, the lover is informed that the woman has analyzed their relationship, she is tired of being in the background, she wants sincere love, to become the only one. She no longer had the strength to endure his return to his family and remain alone in a cold bed. If by this time another man has already appeared, then it is not necessary to inform the lover about this.
Disadvantages of a relationship with a married man, or how to quickly forget an affair
Focus on the downsides of such a relationship. Try not to remember your meetings and turn off all emotions. Consider whether the novel has a future. Only a reasonable analysis of the situation will help you forget a married man.
Misconception about separation from family. A man can talk a lot about how many factors prevent him from separating from his wife. Be it the lack of her own income at the moment, the difficult situation in the family, the lack of independence of the children. But if a man really has a desire to be with you always, he will not see any obstacles to this. Otherwise, he agrees to the current format of relations.
The misconception that your feelings are not serious. You do not consider these relationships important and meaningful to life. But are such arguments true? Are you sure that your feelings won't get worse? At the stage when a seemingly meaningless relationship with a married man develops into great and strong love, it will not be easy to forget them.
Even if it works out. Let's say a man finally broke up with his wife and came to you. The relationship has reached a new level, but everyday life and routine have been added to it. They burden the man, and the woman no longer feels desired. Don't you think that he will take another woman instead of his mistress? Do you agree to accept such a situation or would you prefer to immediately forget the married man?
The difficulties of secret meetings. At the beginning of a relationship, secret dates add mystery to the relationship. Together you go through another quest on how to achieve what you want and remain unnoticed. Overcoming obstacles to meeting together turns both partners on. However, such a game becomes exhausting over time.
I just want to be together, walk hand in hand, chat in a cafe and not look around. The woman is tired of the fact that the man does not pay attention to her in front of everyone, hides their relationship from others, hides her from his friends. Such meetings quickly lose their charm
If the secret format of the relationship does not suit you, you should forget the married man.
Lack of respect. The status of a mistress, as a rule, is condemned by society. A married man hides you because he is ashamed of this relationship. This behavior is unlikely to please the woman he is dating. Could a lack of respect make you think about getting over this man?
Dismissive behavior The position of a mistress usually does not involve providing a choice in resolving issues. A man simply confronts you with a fact, and there is no other choice but to accept his conditions, otherwise you can forget about the relationship. You put up with his frequent lateness, canceled meetings, sudden disappearances. How long can you endure this?
If you are in a relationship with a married man, you can probably name a few more points that do not suit you. Remember them often to draw the right conclusions. If the relationship is not developing and your future is not planned, it is better to forget the married man.
Options for behavior depending on the man’s reaction
A man’s reaction to his mistress’s statement about separation can be anything. What he can do:
- persuade to stay;
- threaten;
- promise to marry;
- press for pity.
You need to be prepared for anything when you are going to talk to your lover about a breakup.
If he persuades or begs
It is not so difficult to tell your lover about breaking up as to resist his persuasion to stay. Even if at first he agreed with the decision to break up, then he will begin to look for an opportunity to see each other again. This is fraught with the fact that both will hold on for a while and pretend that everything is over.
Subsequently, both will not be able to stand it and will again find themselves in each other’s arms. The romance will not last long, everything will happen again. The problem of loneliness and a cold bed will return, and he will go to his family. Having decided to break up, you don’t need to give in to your partner’s persuasion. It’s better to blacklist him on social networks, block his number, and leave the city for a while, if possible.
In case of threats
A married woman will have to listen to threats when breaking up with her lover. Not wanting to let the lady go, the man is able to blackmail her by telling her husband about their relationship if she leaves him. And a married lover is capable of threatening to bill the girl for everything he has invested in her: expensive gifts, an apartment, a car. There is only one way out - to pretend to be a frigid woman who will no longer satisfy him in bed.
Another promise to legitimize relations
A situation often encountered in love melodramas: a man persuades his mistress not to leave him, vows to tell his wife everything, leave her and marry a new lover. Such cases also occur in life. The mistress will melt, agree to wait, and everything will start in a circle again. Every evening he goes to his wife, leaving the other lady alone. She runs out of patience again, she announces a breakup, and he again declares that he will divorce his wife and marry her. If this continues, then the man will no longer divorce. You need to break up completely and irrevocably.
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You should turn on ignore, find something that will help you distract yourself and start a new relationship, but with a free person.
Pressures on pity and scares with suicide
There are also individuals who threaten suicide if their mistress leaves. Conversations are useless; a man does not go to a psychologist. The lady needs to maintain her composure. Here, too, the method described above will come to the rescue - become frigid so that your lover no longer wants you.
If this option doesn’t suit you, we try to create scandals as often as possible. Men cannot stand shouting, reproaches, or nitpicking over trifles. Jealousy of everything living and inanimate can also affect and enrage him.
The stages a girl goes through after a breakup
A breakup is a kind of loss. It is always difficult to experience, especially if people have spent a long time together and got to know each other well. But the man remains with his wife, the mistress is tired of being in the background, she breaks off the relationship, experiences pain. It is difficult to enter the calm channel of life; you have to get used to new circumstances. During this period, the mistress goes through several stages:
- non-acceptance of the situation;
- rage;
- bargain;
- depression;
- new life.
Each stage has its own distinctive characteristics. Going through them is difficult, but inevitable. You need to pull yourself together, even if it seems impossible.
Not accepting the situation
At the first stage, a contradiction occurs - the girl does not believe that she has broken up with the man. It always seems to her that this is a dream, it’s not true, it’s not happening to her. She believes that a day, a week or a month will pass and they will be together again. He will return or she will return him. Everything will happen again: meeting, hugs, kisses, sex, dates, evenings together. It seems that this is just a quarrel, they will soon make up. She is already ready to share him with his wife, if only he would be nearby.
A withdrawal occurs, a desire arises to see him again, to possess him again. If you feel that everything is useless, then you should sign up for a consultation and hear the advice of a psychologist.
Fury
He doesn’t appear, you don’t see him, don’t hear him, don’t feel him anymore. There comes a period of anger and rage when you realize that there is no love and never will be. Anger arises towards everyone around you, as if it were their fault that you left him. Or he you. Then comes a period of transferring the blame onto yourself for leaving the person you love, even if he was married.
Bargain
The rage subsides, the mind becomes clearer, and a conversation with oneself begins. It examines options for the development of events, determining the time required to renew the relationship. This allows the psyche to get used to negative emotions, the thought that a separation has occurred. In the process of reflection, the girl tries to understand her mistakes, to imagine what would happen if she turned back time. The partner already seems ideal, and the blame at this stage is completely shifted to the mistress.
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Depression
The understanding comes that it is pointless to deny what happened. The girl becomes indifferent, she is sad, she becomes depressed. The woman begins to miss the past, the moments she experienced in her relationship with her lover. It seems to her that life is over, she simply exists automatically. There is no pleasure from life.
It seems to her that she is a log carried by the current. She feels nothing, her soul is tired of fighting and worrying. Finally, the lady realizes that the past will not return, but life goes on. Some people who lie around all day and stare at the ceiling may need help from a psychologist. At this stage, you need to cry in order to easily move to the next stage.
Life with a clean slate
Gradually, the girl comes to understand that she needs to pull herself together. She is ready to make new plans, achieve new goals. She feels a surge of strength, a desire to carry out her plans. A woman emerges from depression and becomes humble. She sums up her past life, completes the things she started and starts new ideas. The feeling of loss no longer bothers her; she strives to change her life for the better. Grievances are forgotten, new acquaintances and relationships are formed.
Analysis of situations
Every relationship is special, so the ways to forget a married person will also be different. You simply value some advantages of your relationship; you yourself cannot leave your husband. The most difficult situation is when you need to forget a married man whom you love with all your heart, but he doesn’t love you.
How to survive the pain of parting if you love him
When a girl experiences serious, real feelings for her ex-lover, the separation causes extreme pain. If you don’t help yourself cope with negative feelings (tears, resentments), the process can become lengthy and turn into depression.
When you cannot be with a person because he has a responsibility to his wife and children, and the prospect of a mistress is impossible for you, then the only way out is to forget the married man you love.
To erase memories of a guy from your memory, you need to increase your self-esteem and confidence. When you respect and value yourself, you realize that you do not deserve such a relationship. You deserve more - a person who appreciates you and makes you happy. How can you love someone who hurts? Figure out why you need to experience this pain, because love is a wonderful feeling that can be mutual and fill a person with energy, happiness and inspiration.
Take off your rose-colored glasses and perceive your lover as he is. You can forget the man you love who is married to another woman without idealizing him. These are his actions and choices towards you.
If you are married yourself
Married women also have lovers. In this case, an affair with a married man is not superficial. There are good reasons for him - the girl has problems with her own husband and is trying to fill the emotional void in the relationship. At the same time, a married admirer may not live up to her hopes and turn out to be frivolous. Then the woman is faced with the question of how to forget her lover if she is strongly attracted to him.
In order to save the family and prevent the husband from finding out about the other, you should end the secret relationship as soon as possible, since men rarely forgive their wives for infidelity, and it is difficult to regain former trust. You need to think about two important tasks: how to forget your lover and love your husband again. The following steps may help in this situation:
- Understand that your husband is an important person in life; you have a lot in common with him.
- Try to restore your former relationship with your spouse. Have romantic evenings and spend quality time.
- Bring back memories with photos.
- Compare two men, highlight those qualities in which the husband is much better.
- Have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse, talk about what you want. Have a constructive conversation: listen to his point of view. You should admit to cheating only if you are sure that it will not completely destroy the marriage.
- Become the same for your husband as you are for your lover. Try to surprise him, entice him, and be interesting to him.
If he left you and doesn't love you
If the initiator of the breakup was a man, then the problem arises of how to forget and let go of a married lover. When a girl hoped for this relationship, wanted to become a wife, she needs to try to forget him. You should not create scandals and sort things out - this will only prolong the negative moment. But during this period you need to distract yourself, for example, communication with relatives, friends, and loved ones will help. If your head is constantly busy with work, then other thoughts will disappear.
You can do something new and immerse yourself in some earthly affairs. The main thing is not to call, write or insist on a meeting.
The girl needs to take three mandatory steps:
- To forget someone who does not love, you must accept the situation. Understand that everything is destroyed and there is no more relationship.
- Give free rein to your emotions. To throw out your pain, you are allowed to break dishes, tear sheets, cry.
- You can tell your story on paper or to a person you trust.
Ways to help you get through a difficult period
There are many ways to quickly recover from a breakup with your married partner. They will ease the breakup and the stages of experiencing separation. You can change your appearance, your place of residence, go on a trip, take up a new hobby, meet with friends more, or focus all your energy on building a career.
Changes in appearance
You can start by changing your appearance. To do this, you need to invite your friends to go shopping and buy new things. Then go to a beauty salon, get a haircut, recolor your hair, cut off your bangs if you’ve never had them in your life, or get a bio-perm. You should also refresh your manicure and try a color that you haven’t painted your nails before. These procedures will distract you from your worries and help you cope with melancholy.
Change of residence or travel
When the ghosts of the past haunt you after breaking up with your lover, frequent meetings with him occur, this begins to excite your feelings. If possible, then you can move to live in another area or even city, so that familiar places do not remind you of your former lover.
If the idea of moving is rejected, it’s enough to change the environment for a while and go on a trip. It will allow you to escape from memories, experience new emotions, and get rid of sadness. New experiences will help you get over the breakup faster. During the trip you will meet people who will tell you a lot of interesting things. Excursions to famous places will fill the mind with new facts and useful information, so there will be no time to experience the feelings of a breakup. And it would be a shame to waste time on this.
If it is not possible to change your place of residence or go on a trip, it is enough to at least start cleaning the apartment. Physical labor is a great fight against sadness. Rearranging your apartment is also not such an impossible idea. The new interior will refresh your thoughts and restore peace of mind. Changing the wallpaper or curtains would also work. Getting rid of old junk will also help.
Interesting hobby
A new hobby can reboot your brain and distract you from suffering. There are many ideas: learn to knit, sew, embroider, play the guitar, take up dancing, sign up for yoga, master the splits. Book lovers should start collecting a library, sorting books by genre, writer, cover color. After this process, you can sit in a chair with a cup of tea or coffee, pick up a book and go on a literary binge. Let the book be about love, suffering, in which you can see the ways in which the heroes of the book pages experience grief. After reading some works, your own story will seem funny and absurd.
For those who don't like books, head straight to the gym or the skating rink. In the gym, physical activity will help you take your mind off your worries, and at the skating rink you will have the opportunity to learn how to skate if someone doesn’t know how. In winter you can go skiing.
Communication with friends or relatives
Depression is a dangerous thing. It’s better not to be alone, but to invite guests: girlfriends, parents, friends. You can go to them yourself. Communication with loved ones will allow you to express all the pain, hear and feel the support of family and friends. They will tell you other stories from life, and when you hear them, you understand that you are not the only one to whom this happened.
Career Focus
Being immersed in work really helps many people, because there is no time left to think about personal problems. And in the evening, when you return home, you don’t have the strength to think about them. Some people even take work home just to immerse themselves in it and not let bad thoughts enter their heads. Only career, only work.
What to say when breaking up
If you have decided to break up, you need to act decisively. You should not postpone the farewell conversation and give the person false hopes. Women try to end relationships with phrases:
- "Let's remain friends";
- “Maybe we should separate for a week, a month, and then we’ll be together?”;
- "I need time to think".
But they harm not only the girl, but also the partner. There is no certainty in them, which means there can be no talk of a point in the relationship.
The farewell speech should be uncompromising and decisive. After it, the lover must understand that a woman’s choice cannot be corrected.
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You can’t leave on a negative note, devaluing all the relationships you had with your partner. It's better to tame your anger. A calm breakup will help you get over the consequences faster. It is better to say the following phrases:
- "I don't want to be with you anymore";
- " I do not love you";
- “I want to be a wife and mother, but this won’t happen with you”;
- “I realized that I love my husband and don’t want to cheat on him anymore”;
- “Thank you for all the wonderful hours we spent together, but this is where our communication ends,” etc.
You should not part with a person by correspondence or telephone. It is advisable to wait for a personal meeting. Only face to face should you explain to a man the reasons why the breakup occurs.
It is not easy to survive the days of mental anguish, but it is possible with minimal emotional loss. The main thing is to patiently overcome all stages of separation.
Classic mistakes to avoid
Sometimes women make mistakes when breaking up: they keep their lover’s things, abuse alcohol or food. It’s strange that the girl broke up with the man who preferred his wife, and she keeps his toothbrush or shirts at home. We urgently get rid of them so that they do not torment us with memories when they come across our eyes.
You definitely shouldn’t drink yourself to death or eat your grief with buns. There are many other ways to distract yourself from the problem. Alcohol and baked goods, on the contrary, will add more problems in the form of headaches, hangovers, binge drinking and excess weight. And if you indulge in sweets, then you will also have problems with your teeth. Parting with your lover is a great reason to take care of yourself, proper nutrition, and things that you haven’t had time for for a long time.
Believing that life is over is also a mistake. It continues and you need to fill it with new emotions, impressions, goals and achievements. There was a lot of time to learn to live without a former lover and enjoy other processes.
Thus, in order to break up with your lover, you need to carefully prepare for a conversation with him, choose your words, and tune in to possible resistance on his part. You must immediately decide for yourself that resuming the relationship is impossible. It will be difficult to move through the stages of loss, but there are many ways to help ease the experience.
