In the life of any family there are disagreements that lead to quarrels. The emergence of family conflicts is caused by the interaction of people with different worldviews, temperament and upbringing. Even the strongest feelings can make it difficult for people to be together. Romance gives way to a series of scandals, and a wall of misunderstanding appears between loving people.
Every family faces conflicts. The only difference is that some try to solve this problem by coming to a compromise, while others break up. Knowing how to properly resolve disputes is an important skill. This skill is achieved through a person’s painstaking work on himself. In any case, resolving family conflicts concerns all family members.
What kind of disagreements happen in a family?
The typology of family conflicts distinguishes two types of quarrels.
- Constructive are family conflicts, the peculiarity of which is that reconciliation brings a sense of satisfaction and relief to the two partners. The spouses find a compromise solution that will satisfy the interests of both parties.
- Destructive – features of family conflicts of this group in duration and lack of solution to the problem situation. Often in families where destructive quarrels arise, divorces occur.
Why do family conflicts happen?
Everyday family conflicts are inevitable in every family, because there are no perfect people, therefore, there are no ideal relationships. Moreover, in psychology there is an opinion that disagreements in the family do not harm relationships, but strengthen them, but provided that the spouses are able to resolve the conflict and not return to it again. Read in detail about the psychology of family relationships in this article.
It is important! Any contradictions between spouses give rise to a quarrel. It is important to focus efforts on learning methods for resolving conflict situations and preventing quarrels.
The causes of family conflicts are usually trivial and are repeated in every family. What are the main ones? Here are the main reasons why quarrels arise.
- Mutual disrespect, disdain for each other, mistrust and jealousy.
- Sexual dissatisfaction and lack of tenderness in relationships are a popular reason highlighted by the science of conflictology.
- Quarrels often arise against the backdrop of an unfair distribution of household responsibilities. They arise like everyday conflicts.
- Inability to spend leisure time together, have fun and relax.
The very fact of uniting two people into a family is a problem, a conflict situation. After all, before marriage, each person had his own personal life, experience, and views. At the courtship stage, two people are so carried away by emotions and feelings that they do not notice conflict situations. After the wedding, the spouses try to combine two separate lives into a single whole, and at this stage, domestic conflicts, even divorces, most often arise.
Crisis periods of family relationships
In addition to the main causes of conflict in the family, psychologists also identify special factors that can lead to discord in the family. These are crises in marital relationships. As a rule, there are only four such “problem” periods. [1]
First crisis period
Observed in the first year of marriage. Partners “get the hang of it”: they establish norms of behavior that are important for each, learn to manage the family budget, and can test each other’s “strength” in order to reserve the right to be the head of the family. All this inevitably leads to one kind of conflict or another.
Second crisis period
The appearance of children in a family is an important stage in the development of relationships. For many couples, raising a child becomes a difficult challenge. Each spouse has new responsibilities, so there is a catastrophic lack of time for intimacy. Their opportunities for personal and professional growth are significantly reduced. Disagreements may arise regarding the issues of raising the baby. Inattention on the part of the husband or, on the contrary, increased sexual activity against the background of the wife's fatigue and physiological changes can lead to problems in sexual relationships. All this becomes the cause of serious quarrels in relationships.
Third crisis period
“Experienced” married couples who have lived together for 10-15 years may also face a relationship crisis. Often partners, having become “satiated” with each other over many years, experience an acute lack of feelings. The wife may withdraw into herself or get lost in some hobby. And the husband begins to make up for the lack of “thrills” on the side.
Fourth crisis period
After 18-24 years of married life, some families face another crisis period. Many psychologists associate its development with the wife’s increased emotional dependence and her worries about her husband’s possible infidelities. On the one hand, a man’s potency level decreases and he can no longer meet his wife’s sexual expectations. On the other hand, the woman feels that she is getting old and is afraid that her husband will find himself a young and beautiful girl.
Crisis periods in the lives of spouses arise with a certain frequency. The reasons are different, but the “symptoms” are the same - frequent quarrels, mistrust and omissions. If you manage to “survive” the crisis and not break up, the relationship reaches a new level. But both spouses should be interested in this.
What to do to avoid quarreling
The method of resolving family conflicts is highly effective. In essence, ways to resolve quarrels are the prevention of family conflicts.
Show interest in each other.
As a rule, family quarrels and marital conflicts arise due to the fact that there is no communication between people. It is important to learn to put aside everyday activities and make time for each other.
Prevention of family conflicts involves daily conversations between spouses, ask each other how the day went, take an interest in their mood and affairs. Take part in the conversation, sympathize, show emotions.
Most often, family conflicts and quarrels occur in young families. To avoid stressful situations, from the first day you meet, try to get to know each other, ask questions, and be interested in your partner. It is important to know a person’s weaknesses in order to understand whether you are ready to put up with them.
It is important! To the question - how to avoid family conflicts - psychologists answer - take the trouble to understand your soulmate and this will significantly reduce the likelihood of aggression.
Listen and hear.
Family conflicts and quarrels are a consequence of the fact that people do not know how to hear each other.
Learn to spend time with each other in the evening, ask about work, take an interest in your concerns. Try not to dump your own problems on your spouse, this will lead to the person becoming withdrawn.
It is important! If a quarrel has begun, make every effort to listen to your opponent and understand the essence of the complaints. Show that you want to find a solution to the conflict situation. Always give your spouse the opportunity to express their point of view.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
Diagnostic psychology offers an effective way to resolve a conflict situation - put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Often the partner sees the cause of the quarrel and perceives the situation completely differently. It is enough to try to understand the feelings and emotions of another person and the atmosphere in the family will become calmer.
It is important! According to psychologists, this is the best preventive measure aimed at preventing and resolving family conflicts.
Don't criticize or bring up the past.
As a rule, family conflicts and disagreements arise when one of the spouses constantly criticizes. Psychologists recommend never starting a conversation with accusations, because every sharp word will return to the accuser.
It is important! Psychology and psychotherapy of family conflicts does not exclude the element of criticism in family relationships, but it is important to be able to criticize. The basic rule is that criticism should not offend, but should motivate; when criticizing, be sure to praise your partner. Start with praise, and then point out what your partner doesn't like.
Breathe.
How to avoid family conflicts? The answer is simple - when you want to say something caustic and sharp, breathe deeply for a few minutes. For what? On the one hand, this calms you down, and on the other hand, it will keep you from saying words under the influence of emotions. If you want to sort things out immediately, take a piece of paper and write down your complaints. Such written messages help to contain negative emotions and look at the situation from the outside.
It is important! Never swear under the influence of emotions, wait until they calm down, and only then talk calmly.
Admit mistakes and forgive.
Be prepared not only to listen to your opponent's point of view, but also to admit that it is correct. Sometimes, for a successful and positive outcome of a quarrel, it is enough to admit your guilt. In this case, the spouse will appreciate the courage and honesty of the partner and will be the first to reconcile.
It is important! Preventing and resolving family conflicts lies in the ability of spouses to sincerely forgive each other. By accumulating grievances, a person exposes himself to severe psychological stress, so forgive each other and live in peace and tranquility.
Make a compromise.
Every argument a person gives in favor of being right is a step towards divorce. You cannot try to win a dispute at any cost; it is better and more effective to jointly find a compromise that will suit both sides.
It is important! Smile - a sincere, friendly smile can extinguish the most serious quarrel. This shows that the person is friendly and positive.
Permission
Family conflicts definitely need to be resolved in a timely manner. If you let the situation take its course, it will only get worse over time. It will be very difficult to save the marriage. Resolving family conflicts consists of several components. Let's take a closer look at them.
Understanding the reasons
First, you need to come to an understanding of why the conflict itself arose. In each specific case it is necessary to consider the situation individually. Conflict resolution begins with accepting what is happening at a given moment in time. It is necessary to analyze the origins of the problem very well. Understanding it will allow you in the future not to get hung up on difficulties, but to strive for their resolution. Some people find it difficult to be completely honest with themselves because they immediately start thinking about their own shortcomings. However, this is a necessary and important step in order to be able to fully move forward. It is possible to save a relationship only when the spouses have a great desire to do so.
Compromise solution
In marriage, it is impossible to think only about yourself without caring about the opinion of a loved one. Partnerships mean that people will work together to find a solution and offer their own options for overcoming the crisis. Anyone who is concerned only with their own benefit cannot fully care for a loved one, nor can they show love. Family conflicts often arise seemingly out of nowhere. However, any contradiction always indicates that the spouses did not solve some problem for a long time, hoping that it would go away on its own, without additional efforts. However, this does not happen. Everywhere you need to use certain mental reserves. It is imperative to look for a compromise solution. It will allow you to find mutually beneficial conditions, the observance of which will help achieve balance within the couple.
Refusal of charges
It often happens that marital conflicts develop into open confrontation. In this case, it becomes very difficult to come to any understanding. Close people are sometimes so forgotten that they cease to control the situation. Manipulation, insults, and various tricks are used. This is the wrong approach and does not lead to anything good. To solve the problem, it is imperative to abandon all accusations. You cannot humiliate your partner, because by doing so the person devalues what is happening to him. If you are at least a little more attentive to your spouse, you can change a lot in life.
How to prevent a family quarrel
Family conflicts and ways to resolve them are the subject of study of diagnostic psychology - the science of identifying the causes of conflict situations and finding methods for resolving them. However, even a constructive dispute is better to prevent than to try to resolve.
So, conflict prevention and ways to resolve them are as follows.
- Don't stoop to insults.
- Keep calm. If you really love a person, remind yourself of this at the moment when you want to flare up.
- Emotional family conflicts can be prevented and resolved through solitude. If you understand that the situation has reached a dead end and there is no solution, go to different rooms for several hours.
- Speak one at a time and do not interrupt each other. At the same time, remain calm.
- Come up with a “stop signal” - a phrase that will stop too violent quarrels. As soon as the situation becomes critical, you need to say the stop signal and be silent for a minute. This is quite enough to calm down.
- After each quarrel, analyze the reason why it arose. If you are wrong, admit it. The most difficult thing to resolve is value differences.
- Intimacy is a great way not only to resolve a conflict situation, but also to prevent it.
- Go visit, communicate with other families. The social atmosphere will allow you to relieve stress and relax.
According to the typology of family conflicts, quarrels vary, but, as a rule, there is only one solution - learn to respect and listen to each other.
The video presents ways to resolve conflicts and typical mistakes of spouses.
How to solve the problem of conflicts in relationships
Experts divide all family psychotherapy techniques into separate groups. The main ones are sociometric, structural and behavioral. [6]
Sociometric techniques help the psychologist obtain adequate information about the functioning of the family. A number of effective techniques (“family sculpture”, “family choreography”, “straw tower”) allow you to simulate events of the past, present and future, which helps the couple acquire new ways of interacting with each other and restore trusting relationships after a quarrel.
When contacting a family psychologist, spouses have the opportunity to calmly talk about the reasons for their dissatisfaction with their marriage and discuss possible ways to solve problems. The specialist never takes sides; he consistently clarifies the subjective and objective reasons for frequent quarrels, helping partners improve relationships.
In marital psychotherapy, there are 4 stages: diagnostic, conflict elimination, reconstructive, supportive. [1]
The conflicting parties, discussing their problems with a psychologist and following his recommendations, begin to look at their relationships differently. It is constructive dialogues and mutual respect that become priorities in quarrels.
Structural techniques of family psychotherapy (“Memories”, “Family photographs”) help to identify hidden problems in the family and create space for personal changes in both partners.
Behavioral psychology is focused on changing behavior patterns in patients. Modern techniques used by specialists are aimed at developing more constructive ways for each family member to communicate with each other using remote techniques. To do this, it is not necessary to visit a psychologist - it is enough to strictly adhere to the course program. This method allows you to solve problems without plunging into past grievances or exacerbating the conflict.
Let's teach harmonious relationships
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The 7Spsy course will help in resolving family conflicts. This is a patented, scientifically proven method that shows good results. The technology is based on the theories of the classics of behavioral psychology - I. P. Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, etc. The duration of the course program is from 2 to 6 weeks. The method allows you to replace a pathological model of behavior with a healthy scenario: learn to resolve conflicts constructively and figure out how to improve relationships after a quarrel. This allows you to return love and harmony to the family.
Sources:
- “Workshop on Conflictology” (3rd edition), 2022, S. M. Emelyanov
- “Conflictology” (2nd edition), 2022, team of authors
- Divorce statistics, scientific article, 2015, team of authors
- “Conflictology”, 2008, N. A. Loban
- “Marital conflicts”, 1989, V. A. Sysenko
- Ellie Lisits, An Introduction to the Gottman Method of Relationship Therapy (https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/
- “Structured techniques for family and marital therapy,” 1997, G. Sherman
